Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Filling in a questionnaire for speed dating.

Speed dating?

Basically, you sit at a table at the mall

and have a series of 5-minute dates with different women.

And how is that different from all your other dates?

They ring a bell at the end.

But you still go home alone.

Speed dating sounds like something for desperate people

who want to have a relationship

without having to get to know each other.

You don't have to sell me, 'Baby'. I'm there.

Hey, you guys.

I got great news.

Mine's better.

My art project was chosen out of a hundred submissions

to be displayed at the mall.

They're making glitter mascara in my shade.

Did you hear that, 'gang'? In her shade!

My winning project is a statement

about the objectification of women.

It's a transparent box big enough for me to sit in.

Oh, Kerry, I don't even think you could fit in that box.

This is a model. The actual one is much bigger.

Anyway,

I'm making a point about men seeing women

as shiny objects admired only for their superficial beauty.

Honey, that is just so-

Wow! that stuff really makes your eyes sparkly.

Mom!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm so proud. I'm so proud.

This is exactly what my project is all about.

I mean, look at you tarting yourself all up.

Everything you do is to get the attention of guys.

It's also to make other girls jealous.

Mom!

So very proud.

This is so typical of my life

I do something really important,

and then Bridget just bats her glittery eyes,

and nothing else matters.

Mom! You're not gonna believe what just happened.

I was on my way, and I heard this engine sputter.

And I looked up,

and this plane landed right in the middle of the-

Bridget;

Your eyes, they're beautiful.

Hey, forget about that.

Kerry got on the Chess Club or something.

Over there, grandpa; you missed a spot.

To the left.

No, to my left.

Well, don't get snippy.

In my day, women were oppressed,

but they didn't go down to the mall and shout about it.

No, they ironed and drank in secret,

and everyone was happy.

I know I was.

So, this is the project that beat me.

Oh, my God! You're Tyler McBain.

You won last year.

And the year before, but...

yours looks intriguing.

Well, it's not done yet.

Good. I did "Old man polishing a box" 2 years ago.

I loved that.

I was partially inspired by that.

Well, why don't I come back when you're all set up?

I'd love to get a closer look.

Cool.

Oh, I'm Kerry.

See you later, Kerry.

Honey; Who was that kid you were flirting with?

I was not flirting.

That is Tyler McBain! He's an artistic legend!

Oh, my God! I can't believe someone like him

would be interested in my work.

I knew he looked familiar.

A couple of years ago,

he gave me 50 bucks to Polish a box.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second.

Wait. This is very important.

I'm playing match the butt to the teen star.

10 out of 10. I'm like a 'butt genius'! -Hey

Listen, I'm doing this speed-dating thing,

and since you and I

are the two most successful daters in the house-

When was your last date?

Anyway; Listen, um, I...

I could use your advice.

Change the pants. Lose the beard. Get a job.

Oh, and use a moisturizer.

Thanks, but I'm serious.

What's in it for me?

First: If I get a date, I'll be around here less.

-Second: - -Sold.

Listen, in speed dating, you only got 5 minutes,

and I got to come out of the box. Boom!

All right, when I'm into a guy,

I give him a little shot of this.

What? That's ridiculous.

Lips! Stop the lips! What are you doing?!

-Don't do that in my mirror! What? -You don't like the lips?

No! You look like that old rolling stones guy.

Oh.

Awesome!

I am so sorry you had to see that.

Yo! Hennessy; what's happening?

Hey, just hanging out, you know?

Well, come with us. We're gonna go check out the arcade.

Oh, I'll catch up with you.

I'm kind of waiting on a lady.

All right, dog.

So, honey, racecars or dinosaurs?

Mom!

Uh, they're not for him.

[Boy] Go with the racecars.

Hey!

It's been like 2 hours. Anybody looked at this thing?

There's been people.

Why don't you fill it with water

and then see how long it takes you to escape?

It's art, not a magic trick.

I don't know.

You sure made the people disappear.

Ha ha ha.

Why don't you just run along, go buy some makeup?

Kerry, I'm not kidding. If you want people to stop

and look at this, you can't be so boring in there.

Move around; put on a sho; a little razzle-dazzle.

Something like this...

Or like this.

Oh, so maybe I should just install

a big silver pole in here.

Now you are thinking.

Bridget, if I want help with lipstick or shoes,

I will give you a call, but when it comes to art,

I think I know what people want to see.

You don't have a clue.

Oh, yeah?

You think I don't know what people want to see?! Pshh!

Get out of there! You're ruining everything!

Ruining it? People are finally looking at it, okay?

I don't have a clue, huh?

Oh, my God, Bridget, do you really need

another excuse to get more attention.

You can't talk to me like that. I'm art.

This is my thing! Now get out!

Litte girl; Can you get out of the way? We want to see this.

What's going on there babe.

Now, are you wearing space pants?

'Cause your ass is out of this world.

You should see me in bicycle shorts.

How long have you been there?

Oh, somewhere between "What up, baby girl?"

And "you put the fizzle in my dizzle."

Listen, I'll have them lining up around the block,

especially when they see this.

Very impressive, but I think

you're supposed to put

the big bill on the outside.

The big bill is on the outside.

What a great idea putting Bridget in the box.

I didn't put Bridget in the box.

She got in when I took a break,

and now the whole thing is a disaster.

Well, just a little disaster,

and the people really seem to be enjoying it.

They're not supposed to enjoy it. It's art.

Stop it!

All right, all right. Honey, just calm down.

-I'll get her out of the box. -Try filling it with water.

Where are you going?

Away from here. I don't want anybody to know

I had anything to do with that embarrassment.

-Bridget, time to get out of the box. -What?!

Honey, it's Kerry's pro-

It's Kerry's project.

Now, I know you didn't intend to be mean,

but, you know, let's face it,

you have a history of stealing your sister's thunder.

But, mom, this is fun.

I want you out of there now.

[People] Oh...oh..no...

All right, all right, all right. 5 more minutes.

There you are. I saw your "Woman in a box."

-Oh, I can explain. -Shh.

I totally get what you were going for.

You do?

The objectification of women.

And that perfectly plastic blonde you put in there --

Oh, my God; Brilliant choice.

Thank you.

You have...

You have no idea what I went through to find her.

You know...

This is something I don't say to a lot of girls, but...

I really get you. And I think you could get me.

You want to go out sometime, maybe get some coffee?

I like coffee.

Can I get a scone?

Are you wearing space pants-

What? Come on.

I got 4 minutes and 56 seconds left.

Ooh, you are putting a fizzle in my di...

...zzle.

So I laid down the law with my mom.

I said, "Listen, Cate"

I call her that when I'm laying down the law

I said, "From now on, when I'm doing my thing,

you got to stay out of my grill."

So, you don't have to call in or meet her or anything?

Dude, I told her

I do not need adult supervision at the mall.

Oh, hey, champ, I thought I saw you over here.

Aha. I got your favorite extra sprinkies.

That's what he calls them "Sprinkies"

'cause when he was little, he couldn't pronounce "Sprinkles."

Wait, guys!

'Thanks', grandpa.

Now I'm the biggest loser in the mall.

No. You're not the biggest loser in the mall.

Hey!

Hey!

I have never said "Sprinkies."

Yes, you did.

You think I'm gonna forget

the cute things my grandson said?

Hey, take my place at speed dating.

I don't want to lose my turn. I'm on fire today.

Ooh, sprinkies.

Maybe it was him.

Hey, aren't you the girl from the box?

-Yeah. -I enjoyed watching you.

Well, everybody does. I'm Bridget.

I mean, I'm Bridget.

It takes someone with real depth to pull off that plasticity.

Totally.

I know something deep was going on in there.

I mean, what were you thinking about in that box?

Oh, war, suffering, but mostly puppies.

Wow.

You know, I don't say this to a lot of girls,

but I really get you, and I think you could really get me.

Want to go out sometime?

I don't know what kind of girl you think I am,

but I don't go out with anyone

unless I know them just a little better.

And I don't even know your name.

-I'm Tyler. -How about tonight, Tyler?

In my day, yeah we took a girl out on a date.

We bought her candy and flowers. I like roses

and then drove her out to the lake

to that special spot under the pines, and we talked,

and not in 5-minute increments.

Okay, She got the $5,

but I got most of the $1s back.

So, now that you've spent a few minutes

with the museum of natural history

How about a little modern art?

I'm sorry. Could you leave us alone?

I'm talking to this gentleman.

But he's not even... I'm the one.

But, come on. You're --

Dah!!

Kerry, okay, before you say anything,

I am so sorry I stole your art project at the mall.

It's your thing, not mine. Please don't be mad at me.

It's okay. I'm not mad.

Well, you were really pissed off this morning.

Well, you know us artists.

We get all moody 'cause of

paint fumes and everything.

But I'm over it.

You're over it?

I stole your scrunchie like 6 years ago,

and you never let me live that down.

Okay, fine.

I met a guy.

Really?

Yeah, and he thinks I'm brilliant

for putting you in the box,

and so now I'm gonna go with that.

Wow. And I thought this box was

the most important thing in your whole life.

I know.

I am the world's biggest hypocrite,

and I've sold out everything I believe in for a guy.

Oh, Kerry, we are sisters.

[Cate:] Girls, dinner!

Oh, Rory, I just bought you that shirt, and it's just-

Mom; Would you stop doing that?

I'm not 5 years old.

I don't need 'race_car' pajamas,

I don't need you to hold my hand at the mall,

and I don't need my napkin tucked in.

I just need you to start treating me like an adult.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Now, can I please have more "Psketti"?

That's right! You are 'Psketti'; You were 'Sprinkies',

and you just loved 'to go peepee' in the garden.

Don't you have a date?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have to go.

Where are you taking her?

Well, I thought a drink and a movie

and then, you know...

Who knows?

Uh, just a reminder,

I'm over my "I want a little sister" phase.

You know, I don't get it.

I strike out a million times in a row.

This guy steps up once, gets a home run.

What's the secret?

Well, C.J., I just try to be myself.

I don't try to dress it up and sell it.

Then, if that doesn't work,

I tell some cock-and-bull story about a lake.

No hard feelings, right?

I forgot about it already.

Oh...

Looks like our 5 minutes are up.

Don't wait up.

The guy's an inspiration.

I hope I'm still getting dates when I'm his age.

I hope you get a date before you're his age.

Hey, what took you girls so long?

Oh, we were just talking. You know, a little sister time.

Ah, so everything is okay again?

Yes, we realize it's really dumb

to fight over petty things.

We are way more mature than that.

And we both met great guys!

Oh, ho... That's wonderful!

-I'm going out tonight. -And I'm going out tomorrow night.

Okay, I get it! I'm the only one not going out!

C.J., Let it go.

I've let it gone.

Well, there's the asparagus.

So, where did you meet these guys?

-At the mall. -At the mall.

And what's their names?

-Tyler. -Tyler.

McBain?

Oh, my God!

Wait. You --ooooowW!

How could you do this to me?

What?! I didn't do anything to you!

-Girls -You do what you always do!

God! Is there any part of my life you don't want to take away from me?!

I don't want your hair.

That's right, Bridget, make a joke.

Well, it's not a joke to me.

You know what?

Just take it all. I give up.

I'll just disappear.

That's why I don't date.

Yeah,; That's why.

Bridget, why don't you just call this Tyler and cancel?

Why are you taking her side? I didn't do anything wrong?

I know you didn't.

It's complicated.

It has to do with the kind of person you are

and the kind of person Kerry is.

I'm gonna break it down for you, 'Bridgie'.

There's 2 types of people in this world. All right?

There's the good people, the solid people,

like Kerry and your mom here,

and then there's us.

-Us? -Yeah.

The beautiful people.

Yeah.

We burn hot, baby, red-hot, all right?

But every now and then, we got to

Turn the heat down a little bit

so the good people can throw off a spark or two.

We would be so grateful.

Honey, why don't you call this Tyler and cancel for Kerry?

I mean, he's obviously not the world's greatest guy.

But, mom, he's so cute,

and we're not even sure it's the same Tyler McBain.

Bridget!

Mom, I haven't had a boyfriend this entire year.

It's been a year? Well, I feel a little better.

Let me go at this from a different angle.

Just imagine, for one minute,

what it would be like to be Bridget's little sister.

Oh, my god. I'd have the coolest,

hottest older sister in the whole world.

And there'd be a few other things

You wouldn't be the girl that gets all the guys.

You wouldn't be the girl that

everything comes so easily to.

And you wouldn't be the

most popular girl at school.

Honey, I'm not gonna forbid you from seeing this guy,

but do you really want to do that to your sister?

Just think about it.

Okay, with the bells.

There was no bell.

Oh.

I'm so glad we're out together.

Me too. Your mind, it fascinates me.

Hey, who's your favorite painter.

Oh, I would have to say pasquale.

Pasquale? I'm not familiar with his work.

Oh, he did our garage for really cheap.

I really like you, Bridget, and I really get you.

Well, not so fast. You haven't gotten me yet.

Oh, there it is.

Do you want to hop in?

No.

The whole point is the objectification of women.

If a man got in,

it would totally compromise the integrity of the piece.

-I meant together. -Yeah, sure.

Okay.

After you.

It's gonna be a little cramped in here.

No, no, I don't think it's gonna be that bad.

Go for it.

Hey, I believe you've met the artist, my sister.

What? You're sisters? What's going on?

Oh, oh. Shh, shh, shh.

We don't say this to a lot of guys, but...

We really got you.

Bridget, thank you. You were awesome.

You would have done the same thing

if I was your little sister.

You're right.

Kerry, look,

I'm sorry if I do that thing

where I steal stuff that's important to you.

I don't do it on purpose.

I know.

I'm gonna try to be more sensitive to that.

You are the best sister.

I know, but I promise to try not to be so obvious about it.

Let me tell you a little bit about my style.

I like to take a girl out.

I like to buy her nice things

Candy, flowers.

I like roses.

We take off to the river

and the park underneath the tree with the pines, you know?

And just talk,

like the old days.

People don't just talk. And not for 5-minute increments.

Hmm?

Okay, well, I guess not. Thanks, anyway.

Are you wearing space pants?

You know what? I am.

-Oh. -Oh.

---oOo---