Original subtitles

Mom, can I have some money for new clothes?

Honey, I just bought you a bunch of new stuff.

but that was all the little kids' stuff you like.

Yeah, he wants to look hip for his new crush, hot Megan.

Oh. Who's hot Megan?

She's this freshman with, like, these huge...

Um, anyways, this perv cannot stop staring at them.

Shut up.

Ah, you love her!

You want to marry her!

And want to have her babies.

Grandpa!

They were doing it. It sounded like fun.

Look, I'll take you shopping this afternoon.

I'm sure I can help you find something

that this Megan will like.

Mom, I'm sure she's into sailor suits and saddle shoes.

Mom, I think I'm old enough hto shop by myself.

But I always take you shopping.

And we have so much fun.

Besides, I am hip enough to pick you out some fly gear.

Mom, you're white and over 40. Don't.

So, you're all grown up?

You don't need your mom hanymore?

Mom, you know that's not true.

I need your credit card.

Oh, here he comes, Mr. Full-time teacher.

Hno longer a sub -- he's a full-fledged teacher.

You gots dat right.

He's not teaching English, is he?

You know, I get vacation,

paid sick days, my own parking space,

and I finally get to hang out in the teachers' lounge.

You've never been in the teachers' lounge?

Hno way. They're super strict about it --

no subs, no students, teachers' only.

I've been in there.

So have I. Hme too.

Hell, even I've been in there.

Dad!

Well, they were doing it. It sounded like fun.

Don't pay any attention hto them.

Besides, we got you a little something

in honor of your first day.

Ooh, new suit, new briefcase, maybe a speedboat?

Ah.

"World's greatest teacher."

Then that's what I'll be...

Although I kind of wanted a speedboat.

Hell, even I've got a speedboat.

It looked like fun.

Well, this is the teachers' lounge.

Whoa!

It's excellent. Oh, my god.

Look, they've got doughnuts, coffee...

Ooh, those free stirrer thingies.

Yeah, well, it's home.

Hyeah. Oh, a water cooler!

I can have water-cooler talk.

Oh, we're having water-cooler talk.

Oh, good.

Everybody, could you come on in,

and can I have your attention, please?

For those of you who have not met our newest faculty member,

my adorable nephew C.J. Barnes.

Be cool.

What's up?

I am so proud of you.

Oh, no, the saliva -- keep that at home, all right?

Go, go, go.

Oh, no, the saliva -- keep that atI'm fine.L right?

Anyone see "desperate housewives" last night?

Who hasn't killed someone on that show?

I'm not kidding.

Must be nice to know people in high places,

like the school nurse.

Listen, she may have opened a few doors to get me the job,

but she didn't take all the urine tests.

C.J. Barnes. How's it going?

Mr. Edwards.

So, what do you teach here, Mr. Ed?

Like the horse, of course.

I've been the home ec teacher here for 17 years.

You're the home ec teacher?

Do you bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan?

Does anyone have a TV?

So, you're the funny guy, huh?

Class clown?

Well, I prefer mayor of snappytown,

but class clown will do.

You know, I don't like your type.

Never have...Never will.

I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot.

I'll tell you what -- I fix a great cup of coffee.

Let me get you a cup --

oops.

I broke some chick's fruity little puppy mug.

First day.

That was mine!

Of course it was.

You know, tomorrow you and I

are going to laugh about this at the water cooler.

You broke it Coffee mug?

- It was an accident!

The one with the puppies?

Heveryone knows his daughter made that mug

right before his ex-wife hwon custody

and took her to California.

Sounds like a great first day.

It's like high school again. Why do I always get picked on?

Because bullies always go for the weakest of the herd.

They pick on the most defenseless of the bunch.

They will zero right in on the puniest, scrawniest --

all right, grandpa!

I told you to stay away from Marion Edwards.

He is not -- wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

His name's Marion?

Yeah, point that out. That'll win him over.

Now, look, just stay out of his way,

and he won't bother you.

Catie, that's the dumbest thing hhI've ever heard,

and I share a room with him.

Where are you going with this?

Stand up to this jerk now or he'll be on your case forever.

What? you've got to get right back in Mary's face.

Marion!

Whatever.

This is ridiculous. That guy will kill C.J.

Hno, no. Grandpa makes a lot of sense.

He wants me dead so he can have the basement all to himself.

Only one problem with your plan, old man.

What are you wearing?

The new clothes I bought.

Look out, ladies!

Look out for the ugliest shirt hon the planet.

What are you doing with the glasses?

They make me look older and more sophisticated.

They make you look like Harry Potter.

Shut up.

Ooh, can you say that with a British accent?

Uh, Rory, I can still take you shopping if you want me to.

Look, I don't care what any of you guys think.

I like it, and I'm wearing it to school tomorrow.

You are not stepping foot in our school dressed like that.

What do you care?

Because unfortunately due to some drunken night

15 years ago, you're my brother...

And when you walk those halls, hyou represent me.

Hnow, mom, give me your credit card.

Hpotter, grab your broomstick.

We're going back to the mall.

Oh.

Sorry, dude. Go ahead.

What are you doing?

Eating lunch.

On the water fountain?

It's very convenient.

It's the right height. I got my drink right here.

Oh, I see.

Edwards is in there.

Edwards is in there? Oh, I didn't know that.

C.J., when I told you to avoid him,

I meant just stay out of his hair, not this.

You have every right to be in that teachers' lounge.

I know, I know. Fine. Fine, I'll go.

Come on. I'll walk you in. No.

I can do it alone. You're not my mommy.

All right, fine.

Let go.

I did.

Oh.

Hold on a second.

Hmm?

I like it here better anyway.

All right.

Who took the last cranberry muffin?

I thought they were for everybody.

Everybody but the class clown.

Here, you can have the rest of it.

I think you better leave.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, what are you going to do, kick me out of the lounge?

I'm not sure you have the authority to kick me --

Aah!

Hmm.

Uh, why do I need a makeover?

I got the new clothes.

Tell him why, kerry.

Because Bridget says so.

Wax strip.

Wax strip.

Pore strip.

Pore strip.

Uh, is this going to hurt?

Not at all.

Restrain him.

Ow! Aah!

Aah!

And, goodbye, Mr. Unibrow.

Now for the pore strip.

Is this going to hurt?

Not at all.

Restrain him.

Ow! Aah!

Ah, that's it! I'm outta here!

Kerry, tell him why he shouldn't leave.

Hot Megan.

Okay.

Oh, hello, Mr. Nose hair.

Hhhtweezers. Tweezers. Htweezers?

Restrain him.

Rory: Ow!

Bridget: Rory, get back here!

What are they doing up there?

He's their little brother.

Hwhatever it is, I'm sure he deserves it.

Maybe I should go help him.

He can fight his own battles.

Kerry: Hot Megan!

There. It stopped.

He's probably unconscious.

I hate school.

I'm never going back, and you can't make me.

Trouble with Meredith?

Marion!

Whatever.

Hhe kicked me out of the teachers' lounge.

And I didn't do a thing.

Well, like I said, the weakest of the herd

get pushed away from the water hole.

Stop angling for the basement, grandpa.

I'm going to go pick muffin out of my underpants.

Don't tell us everything you do.

C.J., wait. Oh!

This is insane.

He can't ban somebody from the teachers' lounge.

I'm going to go talk to that bully.

Why don't you just call his mother?

Better.

Hoh, catie, you're not his mommy.

He's a 35-year-old man.

I just don't want him to get hurt.

Well, he can handle his own problems.

Darn it, there's a cranberry I can't get at.

Well, you want to be his mother.

Go.

Hmr. Edwards, what are you doing here?

Did you want to talk to me habout something?

No.

I burned my hand taking an apple cobbler out of the oven.

Hwell, maybe you should wear oven mitts.

They're for wimps.

Yeah, and people who want fingerprints.

Nice mug.

Thanks.

You're not too hard on the eyes yourself.

I meant the coffee mug.

Where'd you get it?

It was a gift.

Yeah.

A gift from me.

You took it from my nephew.

He broke my puppy mug!

By accident.

And then you kicked him out of the teachers' lounge.

Sit down!

Now, look, C.J. has waited a long time for that job,

hand, odd as it may seem, he loves that teachers' lounge.

Why do you have to be such a bully?

Well, I'm a 6'2" home ec teacher named Marion.

You do the math.

Well, it's time to get over it, Marion,

h'cause C.J. is going into that teachers' lounge,

and you are going to leave him alone.

But he gets on my nerves.

Hhe gets on everybody's nerves!

Tough it out!

Find another way to deal with your frustration.

Aunt Cate? Yeah, um...

Did you by any chance have a conversation

with the muffin man?

Kids, C.J dinner is ready!

Good lord, son!

Why don't you just put on a dress and call it a day?

Dad, I'll handle this.

Girls, what have you done to your brother?

Mom, I don't need you to stick up for me.

They're making me beautiful.

It's kind of a long process, hisn't it?

All right, here he comes. Now, no flagpole comments.

Hey, C.J., glad you came up.

Made your favorite -- Mac and cheese.

HI'll eat your food, but I'm not talking to you.

Look, I am sorry I talked to Edwards.

I was just trying to defend you.

Well, it's like I said. The weakest of the herd --

can we just eat?

Before we start, Bridget and I would like to say a few words.

Together: I pledge allegiance hto the C.J. --

girls! No, they're right.

All I am now is the doofus hon the flagpole.

You are not the doofus on the flagpole.

Uh, yeah, he is. It's on the Internet.

Hhit's at www.Doofusontheflagpole.Com.

H.net. .Org.

Whatever.

Just search "doofus on the flagpole."

And it's all your fault.

Yeah, mom. Flag on the play.

Listen, jolly green Hannibal Lecter,

I wouldn't start with me.

All right, kids, just take your food and go upstairs.

Whatever. Fine.

Should my face be burning?

Now, C.J. --

nope. Enough talk.

It's time for grandpa's plan. I'm going to throw down.

C.J., please.

It's time to throw down. Hit's go time.

You're going to fight him?

Is that what that means?

He outweighs you by like 100 poun

well, then, I better load up.

Nice work, dad.

Oh, catie, once C.J. stands up to that blowhard,

he'll back down.

Then maybe I'll get my own room.

I'm going to go tell C.J. he shouldn't do this.

You're doing it again. You're mothering him.

I am not!

Of course you are.

You've been fighting his battle all week.

You've been making his lunches for him.

I wouldn't be surprised

if you weren't laying out his clothes every morning.

Aw, catie!

Just the first day.

Hhe wanted to wear baggy pants and a do-rag.

Oh, my god, dad. You're right

what the hell am I doing?

Hwell, if you want my opinion,

it might have something to do with a little void in your life

that goes by the name hof Rory.

Rory? Why, because he won't hgo shopping with me?

And he didn't need your help with the girls.

He didn't talk to you about hot Megan.

He's hitting that age where he needs to pull away from his mom.

Dad, I expect the kids hto grow up.

Hyeah, but he's your last one,

and I'm not altogether sure

you're ready to give him up just yet.

So, you're saying I've turned

to the next most immature, hneedy member

of this household, C.J.?

Well, we don't have a dog.

I miss my baby.

Oh, come here, sweetheart.

Look, the point is,

kids grow up, but we never stop parenting.

I mean, look what I'm doing right now.

Yeah.

The thing is that you have to make them think you've stopped,

even though you're really just cutting down.

It's kind of like smoking.

Hyou told me you totally quit smoking.

Why don't we have a dog?

Do you guys really think I can pull this off?

Rory, relax. You actually look like boyfriend material.

I mean, if I weren't your sister...

You know what I mean. Hbarf.

Oh, look, there's hot Megan.

Go talk to her and make sure you look in her eyes this time.

Hey, Megan.

Hey.

Rory, is that you? Oh, my god, you look so...

Oh, my stupid sisters did it.

...cool. Under my direction.

I needed a change.

So, you really like it?

Oh, no doubt.

Most guys wouldn't dress like this.

They'd be too scared of what hpeople would think.

Yeah, well, most guys aren't Rory hennessy.

Listen, I'm going into that teachers' lounge,

and no matter what, you stay out of it this time, all right?

You promise me you won't go in there?

Okay, I promise.

Oh, my god, he's wearing boxing gloves.

Those are oven mitts.

Oh, my god, he's wearing oven mitts.

I'll be fine.

I thought I told you not to come in here.

Look...

You're the class bully.

I'm the class clown.

It's high school all over again.

We're adults now.

Tell you what -- why don't you respect my space?

I'll respect yours, and everybody's happy.

You know, I didn't really like that, famous anus.

Famous what?

The cookies in the hair, hmrs. Fields --

not that into it.

In fact...

I'm not really crazy about your cookies at all.

Oops. Grind into carpet.

I'm going to pretend that that didn't happen.

You can pretend all you want, hhbut it did.

Problem is, I'm not scared hof you anymore,

so I might lounge in the lounge whenever I feel like loungin'.

Got that, doughboy?

Oh, he gives up.

Classic bully walking away.

If you can't stand the heat,

you gotsta get outta the kitchen!

Oh.

This was...

Aunt Cate!

Aunt Cate!

Plan's off! Come in now!

Aunt Cate!

Aunt Cate!

Ow. Take it easy.

Hwow. That lump is gigantic.

Yeah, well, you should see the other guy.

Hi did -- not a scratch on him.

Well, he's emotionally scarred.

That's wors

my words are like ninja throwing stars.

Hey, hey, look at this.

Before you start, this is nursing, not mothering.

You actually fought him?

No, he made me eat a dozen cookies off the floor,

and I bumped my head getting up.

I'm sorry, champ.

But I only ate 10.

Yeah.

You know what? It was worth it, though.

Probably get him off my case for good.

Plus, they were delicious. The man bakes a nice cookie.

Well, I'm just glad you're okay,

and this whole stupid thing hhis over.

It might be over for C.J., but I know guys like Edwards.

He'll just find another victim, some pitiful sap

who'd never stand up to him in a million years.

Nice frosted hair, hennessy.

Where'd you get that done, the beauty salon?