Original subtitles

Great play, Kerry!

Way to go!

Oh; So it's over!

No, honey, that was the first point.

It just started.

So it's not over?

Sit down.

This is the city championships.

Kerry is very excited about it,

and we're here to support her.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be here for every game.

That's how much he cares about his cousin.

Ooh, she's bending over.

C.J.

The coach. I'm talking about the coach.

I think he's winking at you.

No, the other coach, the girl.

Hey, ref!

That ball was out!

Get that 'geezer' a pair of glasses!

Hey, that 'geezer's my grandfather.

He has glasses.

He just forgets where he puts them.

Rory; Sit down.

Grandpa can defend himself.

We're a much classier family than that.

Oh, my God; The top of her butt is showing.

Nice!

See ya.

Ooh, get it, get it! Great dig, honey!

Kill the owls! Kill, kill, kill!

Some of these parents...

I tell you, we do not need to take this.

-Let's go. -Bridget.

Hey! Kick some owl ass!!

That's it, I'm gonna tell her to shut up.

No, Rory, don't

They have rules about parents behaving this way.

Just go get the league commissioner.

He's on the other side of the court.

Oh, do you need me to drive him?

All right, be aggressive and let's run the middle.

Owls on three ...

1, 2, 3.

-Owls! -Owls! Owls!

Can I help you?

Should I not be standing here?

Heather!

Spike it down the munchkin's throat!

Uh, excuse me, that is my daughter.

And for your information,

she's only one or two inches below average.

Uh-huh, congratulations.

Okay, sweetie,

Hit it to the redheaded midget!

She's the weak link!

You cannot talk to my daughter that way.

Hey, you know what?

If I want any crap out of you,

I'll squeeze your head.

Let's go, go, go!

Go, team, go!

What do you think about that, you wacko?

-Mom? -Just a minute, honey.

Now, shut your yap or next time,

you'll be wearing the nachos, too.

-Mom... -What?

I found the league commissioner.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

See? There you go.

Now take your big mouth and get out!

I'm talking to you.

You have to leave.

Well, what did I do wrong?

Throwing of food, the threats

you may not be aware, but we have rules

against parents behaving like this.

Thank God for that.

Wait a minute; You cannot do that.

She's the one who started it.

I have a walkie-talkie, and I'm not afraid to use it.

This is ridiculous!

Who's that nut job?

I have never seen her before in my life.

Hello, coach;

C.J. Barnes here.

I met you the other day at the volleyball game?

In the huddle?

Listen, wondering if I could buy you

a sports drink sometime.

I imagine an active person like yourself

needs to replenish her bodily fluids

on a regular basis.

I know I do.

Okay, then, bye.

Hard to believe one man could have so much game.

I am so excited about the game today.

And I promise,

this time i'm gonna be on my best behavior

even though it was that wacko mother who started it.

Come on, C.J., let's get going.

Rory, get your grandpa. Bridget; Come on!

You didn't tell your mom she can't go to the game?

I just know she's gonna be upset.

Well, if you don't have the nerve to tell her, I will.

Tell me what?

How great that outfit looks on you.

Look at that!

With the textures and the thing and the wrap.

That's nice.

I'll be in the car.

Um,

Mom, C.J. wasn't telling you the whole truth.

He doesn't like the textures?

I don't want you to go to my game today.

What?

Well, you got a warning from the commissioner.

Yeah.

If our fans cause one more incident, we forfeit.

I mean, we could lose the championship.

Oh, honey, that was a one-time thing.

And that nut provoked me.

Mom, do you know how embarrassed I was?

Somebody posted the whole thing on the Internet.

I mean, you made Ron artest look like Gandhi.

Kerry, you are overreacting.

Do you actually think I'm gonna go off again?

Ha, I see you already told her.

You knew?

There was some chatter on the Internet.

I'll be in the car.

Well, Kerry,

I have to go to the game.

We're in the playoffs.

Guys, come on, we don't want to be late

for whatever it is, the game you play.

She's going, but I can't?

Oh, no. You told her?

Since when did you care about volleyball?

Volleyball, that's it.

Since I found out that Charlotte might be there with Grant.

I thought you broke up with Grant.

Well, Charlotte's my friend, she can't date my ex.

How's Grant's heart gonna explode from misery

if he's already with someone else?

Well, see, there you go.

I have to go to the game

to see if Grant is with Charlotte Haskell.

Okay, mom, I hate to do this to you,

but you have to promise me that you will not come.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Ohh, I was hoping not to be here when you told her.

Well, fine.

I won't go to the game.

You have to promise.

I have to promise?

For god's sake, Kerry, I'm your mother.

Everything I've done since the day you were born

is like a promise.

You can't say it, can you?

You know, the point is she shouldn't have to say it.

Thank you, Bridget.

But you can't, can you?

I promise...

I won't go to the game.

But I want you to take this video camera a-and tape it.

I-I don't want to miss a thing.

That's not gonna be a problem, is it?

If it means that I have to watch the game, then yeah.

Look, mom,

I know you're disappointed and I'm sorry.

Wish me luck?

Good luck.

Hey, aunt Cate.

I feel sorry for you, I really do.

Thanks, C.J.

You don't have to stay with me.

Oh, you thought...

No, I just needed to grab these.

Okay, then.

You better get those eyes checked, old-timer.

You just worry about the game, young lady.

If, in fact, that's what you are.

You tell him, Heather!

I told him, ma!

God, I love that girl!

Hey, keep it down,

she's trying to coach here.

Show some respect.

Oh, she's got a pink thong on today, hmm.

You're the scuzziest person I know.

That's a little harsh.

Hello?

Oh, hey, mom.

Hi, Bridget, how's it going down there?

Absolutely fantastic. I have a perfect shot of Grant.

Now if Charlotte shows up, she is so busted.

No, honey, I meant the game.

Are we winning?

Uh, either that or losing.

The score is something to something

with a bunch of minutes left.

Bridget,

I don't want to miss any of this.

-Oh, my God! -What happened?

Charlotte's here. She's talking to Grant.

He's smiling. I got to go.

Ahh, hot dog, mmm.

You can't possibly be hungry after eating all my fries.

It wasn't me.

Try feeding your dog once in a while.

Here we go, here we go!

Go, go, go!

Clean your glasses, grandpa!

Don't call me grandpa,

unless you want the special beating I reserve for family.

You've been missing calls all day, Magoo.

You know what? Don't talk to him like that.

Why don't you stand up and say that?

Hey!

You heard her ... hey!

Somebody hit me with a hot dog!

That guy!

It wasn't me!

You can't do this. I'm an educator...

And a veteran!

I am gonna kill C.J.! I'm gonna kill him!

What happened?

We had to forfeit the game because he started a brawl.

Oh, my gosh! A brawl? Really?

He threw a hot dog at a player.

Everybody started fighting.

It was like a riot, and it's all C.J.'s fault.

You can't prove I was involved in any such thing.

Oh, my God!

Don't feel sorry for him. He's a troublemaker.

He ruined everything.

It was awesome.

Troublemaker? I was the victim.

Are you kidding me? I almost got killed.

Look at me.

The doctor says

I may lose use of my chin.

Mom, I thought you were the maniac in this family,

but he's the crazy one.

Oh my! It just sounds awful.

It was a humdinger, Cate.

3 years in Korea, I never saw that much action.

I was the perfect gentleman. Gentleman? ...

I practically spoon-fed a blind man his lunch.

And then, out of nowhere, this amazon

I think it was "Daryl Hannah"

She popped out and crawled up

and dug her dirty digits into my neck and shook me

like a rag doll, for no reason!

You threw a hot dog at her.

I did not!

You did have a hot dog.

You missed 15 calls, and you see my hot dog?

And all of a sudden, the hot dog was gone.

Don't you have pimples to pop or something?

Oh, yeah.

Listen,

I don't know where my hot dog went,

but I didn't throw it.

You know, maybe the blind guy took it.

They think they're entitled to everything.

Uh, Bridget, did you see anything?

Oh; All I saw was my ex-best friend, Charlotte,

draped over Grant

like she worked for some sort of escort service.

You didn't see that huge sasquatch

shaking the life out of me?

Whatever.

I'm going upstairs to make Charlotte's life a living hell!

Call me for dinner.

You know, we are in the playoffs.

Now we can lose the championship because of you.

I hope you're happy.

Why would I throw a hot dog?

'Why would you throw a hot dog?' You're insane!

I'm not insane.

I was trying to trick your coach into falling in love with me.

Oh Gosh; A brawl.

Well, at least I wasn't there.

They can't pin this one on me.

Except you were there.

No, I wasn't.

I was here knitting all night and I-

Catey, I saw you.

You missed 15 calls, but you saw me?

Dad, I couldn't stay home.

I couldn't not go to that game.

Did you throw the hot dog?

What kind of person do you think I am?

I don't know. You're lying a lot

and running around in a bad disguise.

No, I did not throw the hot dog.

But I saw who did, and it wasn't C.J.

Well, who was it?

It was that crazy, wacko mother.

She was aiming for Kerry,

and she missed and hit her own beast of a daughter.

Well, t-then, you can get C.J. off the hook.

Well, I can't tell Kerry I went to the game.

I promised I'd stay home.

You're just gonna let C.J. take the fall?

Well, I don't want to,

but I've got to keep lying to Kerry

or she'll never trust me again.

Cate,

Kerry's team had to forfeit the game,

and C.J.'s gonna take the blame.

Oh, I wouldn't want to be him at that school tomorrow

Oh, dad, they're high school kids.

Trust me, by tomorrow,

they'll be all worked up about something else.

Good mor...

...ning.

Well.

I did not throw that hot dog

and cost the owls the game.

Girls' volleyball is very sacred to me.

I played it.

I'd like to think, in this classroom,

my word is enough.

Who threw that?

I'm telling you, Cate, it was like "Al Pacino" in "Scarface,"

only with hot dogs.

C.J., I feel terrible about this.

Why? You didn't do anything.

That's right, I didn't. Did someone say I did?

Cate, I didn't throw the hot dog.

I believe you.

What do I get from it?

One person believes me, she wasn't even there.

I know, it's been firmly established, I wasn't there.

I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a liar.

I cheat a little bit.

I don't have a lot of patience for the disabled,

but I don't lie.

I know you don't.

You know, it's so frustrating,

'cause there's no way to prove my innocence.

Wait a second.

You could say you were there.

Ooh, but that would be lying.

But that would be you lying,

and I think I'm okay with that.

Yeah, I'm okay with that.

Actually, I have an idea.

Practically everybody at that game had a video camera.

How do you know? You weren't there.

I meant, must have had a video camera

uh, do you want to hear my idea?

Why don't we round up the videos?

There's got to be someone with a tape

that proves you didn't do it.

Yeah, yeah, and if there's not, we can stage one.

That's not lying, that's theater.

Oh, wait, I'm not okay with theater.

Attention, students.

-Hello, students, it's Mr. Barnes. -Booooo...

You stop that!

I will not be booed.

I'm an educator...

And a veteran!

You will not boo me. -Boooooo...

Bite me!

Barnes out!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's pretty brutal, isn't it?

Anything I can do?

I was just gonna ask if someone had a videotape of the game,

you know, to prove my innocence. But...

I don't think anyone's about to help me.

Step aside.

Did you have a hot dog for lunch?

Attention, students, this is Bridget Hennessy,

student-body president. -Whoooo!! -Okay

I want anybody with videotape of yesterday's basketball game-

Volleyball.

Volleyball game to please drop them

outside of principal Gibb's office

as soon as possible.

Oh, and Charlotte Haskell,

you're antifungal cream just came in.

That should get you those tapes.

Well, thanks, but I'm pretty hated around here.

I doubt anybody will bring one.

Ceej', they heard it from me.

I've asked you all here today-

We live here.

Just focus, all right?

The league commissioner doesn't have all day.

Actually, I do. It's not a very demanding job.

After an exhaustive search,

I think I found a tape that proves I'm innocent

and Kerry's team does not have to forfeit.

All I see so far

is you with the offending hot dog in your throwing hand.

Wait a minute.

What you see may surprise you.

Did you just steal a chocolate raisin

from the blind guy?

Just keep watching.

See that? Look at that.

That blind guy's dog ate my hot dog!

You didn't throw it! -Ahh...ahhh

You didn't start the fight!

Ow, ow, ow!

Does that mean we're still in the playoffs?

Well, this certainly changes things.

That's right, I'm innocent,

and you guys don't have to forfeit the game.

O.M.G.!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And thank you, aunt Cate.

You're the only one that believed in me.

Well, she has a sixth sense about those things.

That's right.

Without your emotional support,

I never would have made it

through this very difficult time.

You're all that's good in people.

Oh, my God!

What?

Mom, that's you on the tape.

You were at the game.

And you hold a hot dog

Liar!

You promised me you wouldn't go to the game.

You lied to me.

Oh, Kerry, wait. Look, I'm sorry.

I-I just couldn't not go to the game. Okay?

Mystery solved.

Miss Henessy.

You don't have the authority to say, "Mystery solved"

Mystery not solved.

What do you mean?

He still has to find out who threw the hot dog.

I'm sorry. Could I do my job?

I still have to find out who threw the hot dog.

Well, it was that crazy, wacko mother.

Wait a second.

You knew who threw it the whole time

and you let me twist in the wind?

Well, I couldn't say anything because of Kerry.

You chose your own daughter over your nephew?

You think you know someone...

C.J.

No!

Kerry, I'm sorry.

Your team still forfeits the game.

What?!

It's obvious that your mother threw the hot dog.

I am telling you, I didn't do it.

Look, I've already escorted you from one game

for throwing food and making threats.

Now you want to accuse someone else,

the nice lady who follows the rules that we have?

I'm sorry, but I've made my decision.

Thanks a lot, mom.

I am telling you, Kerry,

I did not do it!!

Hey, come on; Wait up!

Honey, listen,

I feel like a prairie dog

chasing a giraffe.

What?

We all know in this school

that is was my aunt that threw the hot dog.

So I'm innocent.

Now, you still don't want a...

piece of this?

Listen, I'm gonna say this as nice as I can.

My brother's a cop.

Oh, come on; Let's hook it up.

I'll do all the work.

Hey, C.J.

I'm not speaking to you.

That was an exception.

So was that.

So was that. So was that.

I get it.

Look, C.J., I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything.

You know, sorry doesn't cut it.

So was that.

Look, if you're here to punish me some more,

just go ahead.

I deserve it.

Okay, well, let's see.

Your daughter thinks you're a liar.

I think you're a backstabber.

The whole school hates you.

I think that's punishment enough.

Thanks.

Apparently, that's not my decision.

Still watching those tapes?

Well, I just want to prove

that I didn't throw that hot dog.

Well, have you seen the one that, uh, Bridget shot?

Oh, yeah;

48 minutes of Charlotte's tongue

in Grant's ear.

Okay, well, what if I just say that I believe you?

-Do you? -No.

But God, I want this to stop.

I want my slightly less crazy mother back.

Kerry, I'm so sorry I broke my promise.

I just could not stay away from that game.

It's like a drug for me.

Well, can't you just say no?

Here's the thing ...

I can't shout for your art projects

or your writing or your math.

And I just love to yell, "Great dig, Kerry!!."

It sure beats, "nice existential sonnet."

And, you know, volleyball just

gave me an outlet

to get it all out and it felt great...

Up until the time I was ejected.

Okay, mom.

This is our last shot at the championship.

Just stop all this craziness and come to my game.

Oh, Kerry.

I'd love to.

They serve a great hot dog.

Ooh, go, go, go, go!

So, why aren't you sitting next to your girlfriend?

No. We're in a bit of a cooling-off period right now.

-Court order? -Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm saving this seat.

For who?

-Grant. We are back together. -Really?

Yeah; Charlotte gave him

some sort of fungal infection in his ear,

so we're gonna give it another shot.

-Oh, very romantic. -Mm-hmm.

Come on, Kerry!

Show them what you're made of!

Yeah, straw and red yarn!

Ha!

Hey, loudmouth, we all know

you're the one that threw the hot dog.

Yeah, that's right.

Next time, I won't miss.

Hey, hey, whoa. Nobody threatens my family.

Uh, trust me, C.J., don't go down this road.

Hey, look, everybody,

I'm feeding the squirrels.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

OHhhh...

She did it! Her, her, her!

---oOo---