Original subtitles

S03e11 -Princeton Girl-

God!

Could you make any more noise?

How's this?

What's that? Your teeth?

What time's it anyway, like, 6:00 am?

It's 10:30. You lazy bum.

Oh, when did you get up?

Five minutes ago.

You woke me up with your sick dream.

"Oh, slow down, Brandy. Slow down, Brandy."

For your information, I was walking my old dog

down an icy street.

Then I met some hot stripper named Brandy.

Is that my buzz lightyear toothbrush?

I believe you're right, it is. Here.

You know what? I think we've reached the end

of our long happy journey as roommates.

Don't act so shocked.

You got the same speech from grandma.

Fine, we're done.

Good luck out in the big, bad world.

I won't be out in the big, bad world.

You will.

The hell I will. I was here first.

Why don't you move into the attic?

-You move into the attic. -You move into the attic.

Well, I see we're at quite a stalemate here.

Let's try this from another angle.

You move into the attic.

Oh, I get it.

You're afraid of the big, dark, scary attic.

You're afraid of the big, dark, scary attic.

I'll tell you what, I'll make you a deal.

If you go up there, and you stay one night all alone,

then you can have this room, and I'll live in the attic.

One night? You're on. That's great.

I'll finally have some privacy,

you'll stop using my stuff.

You use my stuff all the time.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Well, there's my razor, my deodorant.

I can't find my favorite silk boxers.

Do you honestly think I'd want your--

Aha.

It was dark.

I couldn't see.

I pulled something on.

They felt nice.

Yes, and I need 12 bottles of aspirin

and 800 doses of flu vaccine.

What?

Still?

Just send enough for the teachers.

Hi. Okay.

I want you to guess something, but you'll never guess,

so I'm gonna give you a hint.

Scouts are coming from Princeton this Friday

to watch somebody's tennis match,

and they may give her a full ride scholarship.

-Princeton? -Yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I know, I know.

I always knew deep down I was ivory league material.

Oh, we all knew, honey.

Oh, I can't wait to tell Kerry.

Uh, you know, we might wanna think

of the best way to do that.

I mean, she will be very happy for you, of course,

but, you know, Kerry has always dreamt of going

to an ivory league school.

So, um, before you tell her your wonderful news,

you might wanna consider breaking it to her delicately.

She won't even know I told her.

♪ I'm going to Princeton 'cause I play tennis ♪

♪ You think you're so smart, you don't play tennis ♪

Ha ha ha!

So, what if you lose the bet?

Are you really gonna live in the attic?

C.J.'s scared of his own shadow.

He won't last five minutes up there.

But what if he does? What if by some fluke

he manages to spend the whole night?

Well, that's simple.

You know the trap door to the attic?

Just nail it shut, seal him in there.

You'd do that?

Ask your uncle Phil.

-I don't have an uncle Phil. -Exactly.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Did you get my message about Bridget?

Yeah, that's great news.

I don't know. Bridget and Princeton?

It just sounds

unnatural.

So, did Bridget tell Kerry yet?

[Kerry:] It's Ivy league, you moron!

It's hard to tell.

You know, I can't be that much of a moron.

Princeton is giving me my own car and driver.

You know, I know I'm not smart like you,

but I'm pretty sure that's not what they mean

by a full ride.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

You know, mom was jumping up and down.

You jumped?

Well, it was more like a hop.

It wasn't really a jump.

This whole thing is sick!

I work really hard, I get good grades.

I do that damned river clean up project

every week until my fingers bleed,

and the only thing my guidance counselor can say is

"You better pick a safety school."

And Bridget just swings her tennis racket,

and Princeton comes running!

-This sucks! -Hold on, honey.

This is a great opportunity for Bridget.

Besides, they only sent a scout.

It's a little early

for a "Welcome to Princeton" party.

But we'll sure be ready when it happens.

Mom!

Give me that.

You sure you wanna spend the whole night up there?

Yeah, why not?

It's old and musty and it smells weird.

I live with grandpa.

Hey, guys.

Ha ha, look at you.

You're so scared, you won't even go up there

in the middle of the afternoon by yourself.

I hate to disappoint you,

but I'm more than man enough to go up there alone.

Then what do you got the bodyguard for?

He's just holding the ladder down

'cause I don't weigh enough to hold it down myself.

I don't believe that for a minute.

You're scared. Why don't you admit it?

I'm not scared.

In fact, I feel wonderful, grand.

I feel spectacular.

You're wearing my boxers again, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Rory,

it's time.

The sine of an angle

is half the chord of twice the angle.

Now, to calculate the cosine --

So good of you to join us today, miss Hennessy.

I am so sorry I'm late.

See, I was changing. And I had on my blue socks

when I found my cute ones with the pink puff balls,

which match the skirt way better, so I thought --

The important thing is I'm here now.

Perhaps we should just start over.

I was changing, and I had on my blue socks,

but then I found these pink ones,

and, you know, like I said about the skirt --

Miss Hennessy, would you like to explain

the relationship between chords and sines?

Yes, I would.

If a guy is wearing chords,

it's a sure sign I'm not gonna date him.

You come in late and disrupt the class.

It's disrespectful, it's discourteous,

and a waste of my time.

Mrs. Krupp, I'm so sorry. I do not mean

to be disrespectful at all,

but no one really uses trigonometry in real life.

You know, it's like all the other

stuff you learn in high school.

Sounds like you have no use

for education of any kind.

Exactly. I'm going to Princeton.

See,There's a scout coming this Friday

to watch my tennis match,

and I'm pretty sure I'm getting a scholarship.

Did you know that you have a "D" in my class?

Did you know I have a 92-mile-an-hour serve?

Did you know that in order to compete in athletics,

students must maintain a "C" average in all classes?

And did you know that because of this,

you won't be playing your match on Friday?

Did you know I'm about to cry?

I heard you can't play.

You here to rub it in?

No.

Look, I'm really sorry about how I acted

when it seemed like you were getting into Princeton.

I should have been happier for you.

Yeah, you should have been.

If it helps, I'm...

Happy now.

♪ There'll be no Princeton 'cause you are dumb ♪

Give me that!

-♪ Let's see you make me ♪ -Kerry, get out!

What's going on?

Oh, nothing, the world is back where it should be.

Oh, stop that.

You know, Bridget doesn't need this right now.

You're right.

What she needs is a pennant from Irv's bartending school.

You know, very funny. Mom, she has not stopped

with the nasty comments, and the --

there's a bartending school?

Bridget, we are talking about your future here.

Well, I'm not in the mood for that lecture.

You know, you sound awfully flip for --

that one either.

Look, you work at the school. Can't you do something?

I don't know, maybe I can talk to Mrs. Krupp,

get her to bend the rules.

-What? -Just this once.

You've gotta be kidding me.

You're gonna fix this for her?

That is so unfair.

Oh, she's 'Off' again.

I come home 10 minutes past curfew, I get grounded.

I forget to put gas in the car, you dock my allowance.

That was different.

Yeah, because that was about me.

But apparently, you don't bend the rules for me.

Great, now that we all understand each other.

You know, Kerry, this is about

getting Bridget into college.

Which means her screwing around all year,

and you cleaning up the mess.

Now, look.

Your father and I always dreamed of everyone in this house

going to college. Which is expensive!

A scholarship for Bridget would really help.

♪ Mom's gonna fix it, I'm going to Princeton ♪

Bridget!

You know, as long as we're quoting dad here,

how about his favorite one --

Take responsibility for your actions!

You're really gonna clean this one up for her, too?

Oh, look!

All my old stuffed animals.

There's "Poo-poo", "Bo-Bo",

and "Ding-ding" the mouse!

'Poo-poo', 'Bo-Bo', and 'Ding-ding'?

Where's your easy-bake oven?

I didn't have an easy-bake oven.

There's that old rat trap.

Still loaded and ready to go.

What do you mean? You guys -- you got a rat up here?

Oh, that's right!

You weren't here when "Hercules" moved in.

Hercules?

That's what we named him

'cause he had the strength of, like, 10 rats.

We had a cat for a while,

but he disappeared.

Hey, I got an idea, little buddy.

Why don't you bunk up here with me tonight?

It'll be fun.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, come on! It's one night.

What, are you yellow?

C.J.; you'll be fine.

But if you do see Hercules,

play dead.

Why?

That way, there's a chance.

He'll just throw you around

a little bit, and then lose interest.

Well, see ya!

Yes?

Hi, I'm here for my flu shot.

Oh, come on in. Take a seat.

Here's my form.

Okay, just roll up your sleeve,

Mrs. ...

Krupp.

Oh.

You're Mrs. Krupp.

Skip the coffee maker jokes. I've heard them all.

You know, my daughter is in your class.

Bridget?

-Hennessy? -Yes.

Skip the cognac jokes.

I don't get it.

Well, you see, Hennessy is a brand --

anyway, let's just get you going.

Tough situation with Bridget.

Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

Uh, look...

Alice.

Mrs. Krupp,

Is there anything you could do

to let Bridget play her tennis match tomorrow?

Unfortunately, I don't make the rules.

I just enforce them to the letter.

Oh, gosh.

You know what else is unfortunate?

I just realized I am all out of flu vaccine.

What?

Yes.

And we are in the middle of a brutal flu season.

Nurse Hennessy,

this is sounding a little like extortion.

Oh, oh...oh.... Such an ugly word!

Just like "Chills," or "Fever,"

or "Post viral paralysis."

You're kidding, right?

Sort of.

You know, Mrs. Krupp,

as a mother, I would feel awful

if I didn't do everything

to try to get my Bridget into college.

Isn't there something you can do?

Well, there is a test next week.

I guess I could let her take it tomorrow morning

before her match.

And if she pulls her grade up to a "C"

she can play.

Oh...Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And if there's anything you need...

Well, there is one thing.

Right.

Um...

Oh, look!

More vaccine.

Where'd you come from?

Oh, thank you. Thank you, mom, so much.

You are the best!

It was very hard for me.

I did it against my better judgment.

That's okay. The important thing is you did it anyway.

Now you better study hard.

I will, I promise.

Okay.

Now, here comes Kerry.

She's gonna go nuts when she finds out

that I bailed you out.

So do me a favor, let me tell her.

I won't say a word.

Hi, care bear.

Before you 'care bear' me, I just need to know,

did you go see Mrs. Krupp today?

No, I did not.

Wow!

So you didn't fix Bridget's mess?

I did not go to see Mrs. Krupp.

Oh, my God, mom! How could you?

Oh! You know, your hair looks great today.

Don't change the subject.

You know exactly what you did.

I'm not trying to change the subject.

Who wants cookies?

You know what?

I made your favorite -- butterscotch.

That's Bridget's favorite.

Now look, Kerry, I know this is hard for you to understand,

but I would have done the same thing for you.

I wouldn't need that kind of help.

And for your information, I like peanut butter cookies.

That is so unfair.

Everybody changes their favorites in here

every five minutes.

Who can keep track?

Ooh, Butterscotch Bridget's favorite.

Can I have one?

This is off-the-charts unfair.

All right, I'll put one back.

Not the cookies! My life!

Honey, what are your favorite cookies?

I'll make them.

I just said 'Peanut butter'!!

I'm going to my room.

-Wait, wait. -What?

-Aren't you gonna ask her? -I can't.

Ask me what?

-Nothing. -Mom.

Shut up. Have a cookie.

I cannot pass this test without Kerry's help.

Oh, my God, you're gonna ask me to help her study, aren't you?

Well, I thought it would be a fun family project.

Ooh, 'butterscotch' Bridget's favorite.

It's just one night, Poo-poo. We can do it.

Oh, just my luck!

Aunt Cate's baking Bridget's favorite cookies.

What was that?

Down, down.

Hey.

C.J.; can I hang out with you for a while?

Yeah. Me?

Yeah, yeah. Go up, go up, go up.

No, it's kinda creepy. You go first.

No, no.

If you wanna come, you go up first.

Go, go, go. It's easy. It's fun.

Up, up, up.

You just bisect this line with this angle.

30 degrees, 40 degrees.

42 degrees! That's the answer.

Simple!

Ha! It all comes back to me.

Why don't you check that answer?

If you insist, but really, it's --

Negative 16/9?

This must be a typo.

We are not gonna get this.

You can't help me, Kerry won't help me.

What is the point?

The point is Princeton

A scholarship, your future.

Look, I'm gonna go make another pot of coffee.

But, Bridget, I know you can do this.

Okay, mom. Yeah, I can do this.

And, please, have you ever seen me

eat a butterscotch cookie?

Oh, God! Complain, complain, complain.

That's all you've done since you got here.

I'm sorry. I'll leave.

No. No, no, no.

God; Look at all this junk.

I know.

Oh, it's Rory's easy-bake oven.

And Mr. Peepers' collar.

Mr. Peepers?

Our old cat.

We never knew what happened to him.

[Bridget] Hey, C.J! Can I come up? -Sure.

No, I don't wanna see her. Don't tell her I'm up here.

Hey!

Can I, um,.. hang out for a while?

Yeah, you can stay all night if you want.

-My life sucks! -Ah... Yours, too?

Well, obviously, yours does,

but we're talking about me.

I can't pass this test. I'm gonna disappoint mom.

Plus, then Kerry's mad at me.

She thinks it's unfair that I'm going to Princeton.

And to tell you the truth, she's totally right.

I mean, even if I do get in,

I couldn't make it without her.

She's always saving my butt.

You ever tell her that?

No, all we seem to do is fight lately.

If she was here, what would you tell her?

Well, there is one thing

I've always wanted to say to her

Try smiling once in a while,

and stop dressing like Woody Allen.

Is there something that

you wouldn't say to her face?

Well, I'd tell her how great she is, and smart.

Even though it looks like I have everything,

there are plenty of times I wish I was her.

[Cate:] Hey, C.J.; Is Bridget up there?

Oh, God,1I don't wanna deal with her right now.

Uh, I don't see Bridget. Do you see her?

Um, how about this?

I'll live up here, you take my room.

Done.

You know, C.J.; sometimes I just wanna

disappear into this attic.

Yeah, like Mr. Peepers?

Oh, yeah; I forgot about him.

On second thought, you can take the attic.

Oh, C.J.; I blew it.

-I'm a bad mother. -Shut your mouth.

I just want what's best for my girls.

You know, but it just seems like

every time I turn around, I screw it up.

I can't expect you to understand.

No, I understand.

I see you do it every day.

You know, maybe I got carried away

with this whole Princeton thing.

But I just want the best for Bridget,

and I hope she knows that no matter what she does,

I'm always proud of her.

I think she knows.

And Kerry,

Oh...

You know,

she's gonna understand when she's a mom.

You just wanna do anything for your kids.

She's gonna be a great mom.

That Kerry, she's ... whoo ...

she has a great heart.

I don't know, it's just ...

even when they're fighting all the time,

you should hear the way Kerry talks about Bridget

when she's not around.

She even told me that she was

the best student body president

that that school had ever had.

She'd hate to admit it,

but she adores her big sister.

Don't ever say you're a bad mom.

You're a great mom.

Oh, thanks, C.J.

Hey, that 'Peepers' cat, he probably

ran away and got hit by a car, right?

[Jim:] C.J.!

Oh, you're not supposed to be here.

I'm supposed to be alone. Go, go, go.

Hide, hide, hide, go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, I just came up

to see how you were doing up here all alone.

Sorry to disappoint. I'm doing just fine.

It was kinda quiet downstairs.

Ha, ha... I wouldn't be surprised.

No, I mean it's like a ghost town.

Mom?

C.J.?

Grandpa?

Anybody?!

The truth is, I miss you down there,

and I don't like it when we fight.

And, damn it, I like sharing that room with you.

I can get lonely.

Oh, 'grandpy',

You 'old softy'.

Hey, hey, you mention this to anyone,

you'll end up like uncle Phil.

Who's that?

Exactly.

Don't worry. This'll be our little secret.

So, uh,

while I got you up here, man to man,

tell me what you think about the women of this house.

I mean,

what bugs you about them?

-How much time you got? -I got all night.

What time was the test?

It was about an hour ago. They'll be here any minute.

I don't know. Princeton?

I still say it's unnatural.

I passed my test, you guys. I passed!

I get to play my match,

and I owe it all to my baby sister.

Oh, girls, I am so proud of you.

And, Kerry, as a special thanks

for staying up with your sister all night,

I made you a big tray of your favorite cookies

Oatmeal raisin!

Peanut butter!!

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