Original subtitles

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You got the ting, yeah?

Yeah, I got that still.

What you saying? Blacked out chrome ting?

Silencer?

Come on. You know man's certified out here, fam.

Yeah.

Man wanna ring off the ting, blud, you get me?

That's why man's shotting you the big ting.

What you saying?

You got the P, yeah?

Take this through...

Let me see the bludclart ting first, brother.

Cuz, man ain't really got time for this, you know, fam.

You know, boydem are on to man already.

We're moving kinda bait as it is.

The ting's wrapped in the bag. You want it or not?

Gimme that, man.

Yo, what the fuck is this, brother?

It's the Motorola Lexus 2000 obviously.

A phone?

Yeah, you listed your specifications

and us man pulled through for you, fam.

A rasclart phone, brother?

You said you wanted to ring off the ting, the ting rings.

You said you wanted chrome and black.

Rattattah, chrome and black.

You said you wanted a silencer...

Silence. You also said you wanted no fingerprints,

so I got you two protective screen wipes at no extra cost.

Damn, I'm so road.

And all that for 250, cuz.

Supply and demand, we do this.

Brother, are you mad?

Brother, I said a wanted a strap, bruv.

- I know. It's got a strap-- - Brother, a rasclart...

A gun, blud. A fucking gun.

Hey, cuz, I'm not gonna lie,

I feel mad hot in here, cuz. Are you hot, fam?

Is this guy alright, bruv?

I feel mad high, cuz. Like, next level high.

This Cali is loud, innit?

Pattern your boy, man.

Oi, Riko, I beg you don't do another mad one again, fam.

Brother, what d'you mean "a mad one again"?

He just has certain mental health problems, innit.

He's calm though.

Oh my days,

that ting is me, fam!

Allow it, cuz, man!

Not now, fam!

What kind of mental health problems?

Oi, my-size with the nice eyes.

Got a big bum and nice thighs.

What you saying, pengalicious?

The name's Riko, badman with the Chico's.

- Roadman since birth, certified. - Are you high?

I'm higher than a British Airways flight flying to Dubai.

I'm lean right about now, so I'll cut straight to the point, innit?

Why don't you give me your number

before I don't even want it no more. What ya saying?

What I'm sayin' is you're a fucking weirdo and you're lucky my man's not here yet,

'cause he'd have banged you up by now.

What? You got a man?

- Of course I got a man. - That's unfortunate.

- 'Cause I got a sword! - What the fuck?

Has your man got a sword? Furthermore, where is your man?

Is he even here? Definitely a fuckboy.

See, if I was your man I'd be here, innit,

protecting you, 24-6 from weirdos and wallys

'cause that's what I do. So, I'm gonna rewind and come again.

What you telling me? Man's a catch, I know.

But what you actually telling me?

You're a fucking lunatic.

A little bit.

- What you even on? - I was on you, innit?

But you don't seem on it.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda feelin' this, like

weird Rambo coyote vibe he's got goin' on.

It's ticklin' my toes.

Bang! Yes, my girl knows.

She's all talking toes and that.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'm a toe-loving kinda guy.

So, what you saying, babe? Let me get that number?

- Yeah, course. - Hold this, please.

You snooze, you lose, babe.

Are you seeing this? What is this fucking guy doing, bro?

I think he just smoked a little too much, man.

He does this sometimes. He's calm though.

Fuck do you mean, "he's calm", brother?

You got me inna some bait highroad

while my man's out there drawing tings with a fucking shetty.

Then I got you, some dickhead that don't know the difference

between a strap and a fuckin' mobile phone.

You man said you were about this life.

Who the fuck are you, bro?

Riko and Kane, Skengville topboys in the game.

The name's Riko, click-clack. Roadman for life. Ya get me?

- Really? - What can I say?

I get a wide-on for weirdos.

Fuck, move, man.

He's nasty, you're nasty!

Fam, I don't know if you think this is some sort of game or something, bro.

I swear down, bro!

So, you want to pay for the phone now

or you wanna pay in installments?

- Is he dumb? - Get out the fuckin' van, man.

- Fuckin' take your phone... - I'm sayin', man.

...and fucking get out of here.

Pussio!

Hey, cuz, you see that ting I just drew, fam?

She was peng! She was proper on it, innit?

Come, you're gonna get yourself sectioned again, man.

I'm cool, G-man. Where we going anyway?

We're goin' back to the hood, fam.

Ring, ring, pussy

It's your mummy on the phone

Allow it, peng ting Alexa. Stop the music, fam.

Sorry, fam, click-clack.

Alexa, what's on my calendar today, fam?

There's nothing on your calendar today, fam.

Hajima!

Rikoings!

- My friendings. - You alright, Patel?

Hey, it's Pinky Patel!

Say my dad's name, you bitchfuckings.

Come on, man.

Say it now! You imbecile boyings muddafuckings.

Mr. Pinky Patel, innit.

That's right, isn't it?

Show some respectings, you bumbacloting.

- What? - Shut it!

I want my bloody money, innit, blud?

And where is that pussyclart

bloody Black imbecile friend of yours?

Hey, hey, hey!

I see you didn't get the memo and all of that, you know.

Black lives matter now, fam, you get me?

It's proper good to see you!

Imagine, I was just about to call you, you know.

What the fuck?

You two fucking each other now?

No, we're not gay, bro. We just sleep together, innit.

Hey-ey-ey-ey!

Don't tell me your jiggy-jiggy sexy time, you bunch of bastardings.

You thought I forgot you, dickhead?

Where is my cocaines, you bunch of wastemanings?

Yeah, because word on the roadings, brothers

is that you got jacked

by the Somali gun peoples, dickhead.

Dickhead!

Dickhead?

You got robbed by the Malis, fam?

You told me you were proper cool with them, man.

Come on, man, me and the Malis are cool, bruv.

We're practically family, you get me?

I am a Mali, bruv, they rated that. Trust me.

So, imagine this, listen.

I must have pulled up to the ting with the merchandise

like a badboy. You get me?

My man started screaming out...

Then I got rushed.

Madting! Fifteen Somalis screaming out

"Warya! Warya!"

"Walahi! Walahi!"

"Kaleh! Kaleh!"

"Hoosgut! Hoosgut!"

"Walahi! I'm the captain now!"

It was emotional, fam.

That's a mad ting still.

Dad!

Let me fucking fuck him hard!

Motherchode gandu pussyclartings!

Wait, what?

Dickhead!

I give you one week!

And I want my 15,000 back.

If not, I'm gonna come back here and kill the both of you.

- Now, let me out of here. - Well, the door's there, bro.

I know where the fucking door is!

You bhenchod!

I'm not fucking blind!

I'll be back, dickhead.

I'm not gonna lie, fam,

them slaps kinda hurt.

I know, man, about slappin' me.

I should have slapped him back

but true say Pinky's an older, I thought I'd allow him.

I don't want to be disrespectful, you get me?

You gotta respect the age of nature, fam.

The age of what?

The age of nature, fam.

I was reading about it at my anger management classes.

I find the whole basis of the idea calms me down

- when I get agitated. - Man don't care

about all that, fam.

Man's got real life problems, G.

What we gonna do, bro?

How the fuck we gonna raise 15 bags, cuz?

Linkup TVpresents Lethal Bizzle

live at XOYO on the 2nd March.

It's gonna be...

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, fam?

Yeah.

Man's thinking Bizzle might have to be the next victim still.

Straight robbery settings, ya get me?

I dunno though, man.

I kinda like Bizzle, still. Do you remember the remix we did, blud?

Yeah, course, fam.

Pow! It's Riko and Kane

Pow! You don't know about pain

Pow! We draw girls in the rain Pow--

Allow it, man! Lemon and herb that shit, cuz.

My man's rich, bro.

All we need to do is just run up in a ting

rob him, no long ting, set pace, you get me?

His watch is worth, like, three million or somethin'.

Three million, fam?

Yeah, somethin' like that, it's-- It's Ps though.

Listen, we're back on the road.

The topboy duo are back.

Riko and Kane rush hour settings, fam.

- Are you on it or not? - Yeah, I'm on it, cuz.

If we're gonna set him up though,

we're gonna need a strap and some more soldiers.

- I'm gonna call my mandem, innit. - Bruv, call your mandem

and put down that fucking sword, fam.

Whoa!

So, where's your mandem?

Don't worry, them man will be here, fam.

- What, they're proper goons, yeah? - Course, fam.

Proper reckless.

My mandem are on this ting. Straight greez, you get me?

A'ight.

They sound like the type of mandem you see me rolling with still.

Trust me when I tell you these men are certified on the roads, fam.

A'ight, a'ight.

So, where are these men?

There they are, fam.

What the fuck is that, bruv?

They're school kids. Have you lost your mind or somethin'?

Look at my man, man! He's still in his school uniform!

Yeah, sorry about that. Man was just playin' out, innit,

and I didn't get time to go yard and change.

Plus, my mum's kind of vexing me for shotting the Sky box for a score,

so it's kinda peak at yard still.

See? These man are on stuff, cuz. I told you, reckless, you get me?

Playin' out, fam?

Tell me it's a joke.

- It's a joke, innit? - No, cuz.

This is perfectly real. These man are hungry, blud.

Gully, ruthless and only 15 years old.

Nah, man ain't even 12 yet.

Astaghfirullah! Not even 12!

I'll be hitting that come Christmas, fam.

You know what, it's way past your bedtime.

- Go home, be safe, bye! - Blud, relax, man.

Them man brought a strap for us still.

A str-- A strap!

A real-life gun, yeah?

Yeah. How else you think we're gonna rob man, fam?

That's the ting still.

It's my big brother's though, innit?

So, don't use no bullets

'cause he'll find out and beat us all up,

especially you, fam.

What? Are you dumb, bruv?

Your brother could never try a ting with me.

D'you know who I am, cuz?

Yeah, course I do.

My brother goes he chiefed you a couple months ago still.

On the high road.

He goes he linked you to buy a strap but you come

- with some dead mobile. - Whatever, man!

Bun all the bullshit and the long ting. You get me?

Let's go and yam this fool.

Dun know famalam.

What the hell are you doing, fam?

You're meant to be workin'.

Nah, I was just-- I was just preeing the ting, innit?

Nah, man, we're meant to be doing a fuckin' move

and you're here skanking with a gal named Sugar.

Have you even spotted Bizzle yet, cuz?

Yeah, obviously, he's over there, innit?

He's looking kinda hench though, alie?

Fuck that, fam.

Man's got the mash, innit?

I can't even lie, cuz.

I feel to let it off in the air right now.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's wrong with you, bruv?

Chill your pants, man.

- Why you so hype for, bro? - Sorry, bro.

How much weed you smoke today?

Just a couple of zoots, G. I'm cool, man.

- You had your meds today, yeah? - Yeah, bro.

Oi, calm, fam.

He's in the toilet on his Js, cuz.

We gotta move to him now! Get the mandem, innit.

I'm not gonna lie!

You man are sick!

I feel sick.

This is what I mean, man.

Can't we do this ourselves, bruv? Riko and Kane.

Riko and Kane.

Let's do this, famalamo!

Dench sausage needs to release!

Yo, Bizzle, click-clack, it's showtime.

Hold on, cuz, I'm pissin' innit?

For real. Sorry, fam.

True say, he is pissin', and you can't really rush a man.

What you sayin'? You finished yet?

Nah, fam.

He ain't finished yet.

- What's all this? - What does it look like, fam?

This is a click-clack robbery, cuz.

Remain silent and hush them big dry lips of yours

'cause I ain't scared of you!

Now gimme your...

What shall I ask first, fam?

His watch or his chain?

Dunno, what's worth more Ps?

What's worth more Ps, fam, your watch or your chain?

What, is this some type of prank or something?

This ain't no prank, rudeboy.

This is Crimewatch UK live and direct in your face!

This is a real life move.

Click-clack!

You man can't be serious, man.

Why's your hand all shaking for?

Nah, don't watch that, cuz.

Man's just got a lickle arthritis, innit?

But what you saying?

Can I have your watch, please?

Fuck that!

Man, I want your fuckin' watch, your fuckin' chain,

your fuckin' ring, your fuckin' hat,

the fucking creps, your fucking wallet!

Everything, fam! Oyster card, library card,

fucking Nectar card, and even your boxers, blud!

Give man everything. Anything and everything.

Man want your fucking car keys and some weed...

if you got any.

Man said boxers.

Take off or get lit up, it's that simple, fam.

It's like that, yeah?

Damn right it's like that, cuz.

Put this shit in your lyrics, rudeboy.

You got robbed by Riko and Kane, fam, Skengville, blud.

Yeah, that's right, cuz!

Gimme them Nectar points, cuzzy.

Yeah, tryna stall the ting, you get me?

I should shoot a man down for that!

What, what, what?

What you know about Riko and Kane?

- Biggest gangbangers in the game - Click-clack!

Man wanna talk about fame Until you get popped for your chain

- Click-clack! - That's right.

Any time you hear click-clack, you know Skengville are back.

I'm talking 'bout certi gang,

badboy for life, badboy up in this building.

What's with the fucking long ting, cuz?

Hurry the fuck up before I put a bullet in your bumhole, fam.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Sprinkle.

No, no, no, babe, what you doing playing with sexy sex toys?

It's not--

If you wanted to play with a big hard toy

then you should've just asked,

'cause I got a big hard one right here for you.

- You know man was just joking, innit. - Shut up, you dickhead!

Leave it, yeah!

Serious, I can expl--

Nah, fam.

Charlie, you know what these dickheads tried to do to me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

These pussios tried to rob me, fam.

Nah, these dickheads tried a roll-up on big Biz.

Dickheads!

Look at you now, fam.

Fuckin' BTEC boxers.

Hey, where you get them boxershorts from, rudeboy?

Swear it's got skid marks!

Now, hop on your legs for me, bro.

- Hey, hop, rudeboy! Hop! - Hop on ya leg, bro.

Hop on your legs, fam.

Higher than that. Higher than that.

- Hop! - Higher than that, bro.

Switch legs, blud. Squat. Squat.

Squat, fam, you got chicken legs, man.

Star jumps, cuz.

Gimme some star jumps. Put some energy into it.

Come on. That's not a star jump!

Hey, dutty wine for me as well.

Hey! Dutty wine for me as well, man.

Together, fam. Wine.

Slow wine, bro, slow wine. Lower than that.

Do what you're told, rudeboy.

Lower than that, fam.

Lower than that, fam.

That's nasty! Look at them, man!

Oi, Linkup TV, you gettin' this, fam? You gettin' this?

Do me a favor, fam, tell me who these fuckin' dickheads are.

Dickheads!

Dickheads! Dickheads!

- Dickheads! - Dickheads!

Dickheads!

Tryna rob me? You crazy, fam?

Dickheads! Dickheads! Dickheads! Dickheads!

Gimme some starjumps. Gimme some starjumps.

Hey, these men are waste, fam.

I'm catching bare joke.

Hey, let me see, fam.

Shut up, man.

Dickhead.

Listen, I'm sorry, mate!

I'll get your money, I promise.

I'll get your money, please, please.

Don't, don't...

Rah, my man got dashed off the fourth floor, ya na!

Going down.

What's up?

- Said he gonna be here in a sec still. - Cool.

Fam, what happened with my man?

That dickhead tried to short man five bills.

Five bills, bro?

You dashed man off the balcony for five bills?

Fam, I'll dash you off the balcony for two.

Fuckin' dickhead.

This is what I'm saying, cuz, you ain't built for this.

Nah, what d'you mean, bro? Man is. I wanted to chat to you still.

I think we should rob some banks.

This ain't fucking 1990, bro.

Na, man's got this app, innit, like, it can interfere and turn off cameras--

Shut up, man.

- Yeah, he's here, fam. - Cool.

Man's gotta go pattern some business.

My father will talk to you now.

Shotti.

Yeah. What you saying, Krzysztof?

I'm going to need some more of your product.

Yeah, that's cool but...

got a different batch this time around.

Better quality.

My daughter says it's good.

Thing is, yeah, this batch is 38 on a key

and the minimum I can bring you is three.

That's no problem.

So, I send someone next week to drop and collect, yes?

Yeah.

Next week's cool.

My grandmother used to say

"You should never steal from yourself...

or the hand that feeds you."

My gran used to say...

"Steal from me and I'll slap you silly."

Think our grans would get on, innit?

Wagwan, fam?

Man, fuck these pricks.

Man tryna pull up in his front room, you know.

Oi, listen up!

I want everyone out here active.

If any of the mandem see any of my fucking opps,

the DeMarcos,

I don't give a shit if man is with his fucking aunt

or fucking uncle. You light them pricks up.

- You hear me? - Course, man. Yeah!

What you saying for this Polish man?

On the next one, bro, man's gonna pattern that pussy.

Show man this is my hood!

This kebab is peng, blud.

I love the way the succulent beef mixes in with the flavorsome sauces.

So scrumptious, cuz.

Bruv, man's got real life problems, G.

What we gonna do about the Patels?

Oh yeah, the Patels.

We're a laughingstock, man.

That Bizzle video's everywhere, bruv.

I'm Just Bait, The Shade Borough, Grime Daily,

Linkup TV. I even emailed YouTube to take it down.

What? Allow that, cuz. Man, I kinda like the video still.

- What? - Man'll see a couple comments, bro,

saying I look buff and that.

- I'm all gettin' ratings, fam. - Bruv, it was one comment

and it came from someone called "Jimmy_69."

Jimmy, fam!

- That ain't a sexy look, G. - Oi, a comment's a comment, bro,

just 'cause you ain't getting no comments, fam.

Bruv, fuck a comment, bruv.

Bruv, we're out here on stage looking like some pussios.

I'm out here lookin' for redemption, bruv.

Redemption.

I like it. Like Shawshank?

You know what, yeah?

Man ain't havin' it no more.

Man's gonna show the roads what time it is.

And I ain't talking about no quarter past three.

I'm talking about a big move.

Riko and Kane, G.

Riko and Kane, cuz, you're right.

I say I call my mandem and arrange another move.

Nah, fam. I ain't got time for your CBBC mandem, blud.

This time we do something big.

Like what though, fam?

The move of all moves.

Somethin' that's gonna finally put us on the map

as roadman for good.

Riko and Kane, G.

Riko and Kane, G.

You sure about this, fam?

Told you, I'm sick and tired of not being rated as a roadman.

I'm on this ting, and after today

everyone's gonna know about us, fam.

I'm fully on this gun ting now.

You sure about that? The other day you was moving shook.

- You was all shaking and that, bro. - I told you,

it was the arthritis.

But my doctor sorted that out now.

Thank God for the NHS.

God bless the NHS.

It's time for that click-clack.

It's about to go off in there, fam.

You Ready Steady Cook, yeah?

I dunno, man.

A bank robbery, it's a bit hype for us, na?

Exactly!

That's where we've been going wrong, fam.

We need to be more hype.

Bare roadman do bank robberies

and now it's our time.

- Riko and Kane, bang-bang. - Fuck it.

Bang-bang, let's do this, fam.

Oi, oi, what you lot saying?

- What the fuck, man? - You know who man is, innit?

- Yeah, man know who you are, fam. - Nah, nah, it's man like Ed.

Certified crackhead.

Crack... Ed... you get it?

You get it? Crack-Ed...

Man beg for bread, I don't have a bed

I shit on my leg...

Just fuck off, man.

No, no, Reeks. Bro, Reeks, I saw your mum, innit?

- What? Don't talk about my mum, man. - No, no, no. No, bro.

I saw your mum innit, in the showers, innit?

- What the fuck? - No, no, in the swimming pool.

Leighton Leisure Lagoon.

I go there sometimes to wash my ball bags, yeah.

It's only 20p. It's a bargain!

Anyway, you see your mum, yeah. I'm watching her wash herself.

Yeah, no, no, I weren't looking. I weren't looking.

Tell a lie, I might have looked once but respectfully.

She's pretty, she's got nice legs.

- Strong legs. - Stop talking

- about my mum, man! - Nah, bro.

Nah, she's standing by the locker, yeah.

She's looking all sad and that, no P, just a bikini.

So, man like me, I subsidized that.

I made that transaction happen. I gave her the pound, bro.

She was so happy.

She was so perky and I'm just thinking out loud here bro,

I'm gonna need that pound back.

Move man, you ginger shithead!

What did you say?

- Alright, here we go. - Ginger?

You call me ginger, bruv?

D'you know what? You man can say whatever you want about me.

You can say I shit in a bush,

I shit on the highroad.

I don't wipe my bum, but so what?

Who does?

But ginger, bruv? It's not even ginger.

It's more like strawberry blond. Look, I'll show you my p--

- Whoa! Allow that, man! - Allow that, bro, man!

- Got like a salmon tinge. - Allow that, bro.

It's cool, you don't have to show man!

Allow it! Give him the pound, bro!

Here, just take the pound!

- Fuck off, bro! - Reeks, bro.

Love for that bro. I can feel the ginger love in you, brother.

Oi, Kane, what you saying, yeah? You got a pound for me, brother?

I'll sing for you, yeah?

Your balls don't smell Like they used to before

Chat to me and I will quarantine your life, rudeboy!

Big man, say no more.

I'm not tryna get my head licked off here, fellas.

I feel like I've got a lot of potential in life

and I can see you lot are somewhat busy

so I'm gonna bounce by the ounce, freaks.

I love you, son, Kane.

Keep doing you, brother. I see it, I see it all.

I see it, keep doing you, brother. I love you fellas.

I love you.

What you doing, fam?

What you sayin, man? I just got gassed, man.

Come, we do this, blud.

Yeah, hold on a minute. You got your debit card?

What? What for?

Parkin'! I ain't tryin' to get no ticket.

Blud, we're robbin' a bank, man, fuck the parking, G.

Are you dumb?

I ain't about this PCN ticket life!

That's about £65

and in the words of Joseph Junior Adinuga

that's not me.

Cuz, this looks mad wet, bro.

Bruv, stop being tight, man.

I paid for the petrol and the Frutellas on the way down.

Frutellas are badman sweet, you get me?

Whatever, man, I'll pay for the parking, bro.

Can we do this, fam?

My guy!

Hello!

Can't you see the sign?

It's a double yellow line

I'm sorry, sir

But you cannot park your car

Try to understand

I'm just an African So who d'you think you are?

Just move your car

Dirty Ed!

Look at this orangutan!

You are causing a tsunami in London again!

I should have seen the sign

Now I have to pay this fine

Mummy!

Fuck off!

About "man don't rob banks."

That's 'cause man don't know about the true capabilities.

See? Bet you didn't know I could do that, innit, Shotti?

That's a G out here!

Man like Leo.

Everyone shut the fuck up and get on the fucking floor!

This is what you call a roadman special delivery

fucking bank robbery extravaganza.

You know what, yeah? Everyone by the wall.

Everyone by the wall now.

Did I stutter? I said everyone shut the fuck up

and get on your fucking knees.

My God, this is so eeky! Please don't hurt me!

What? Eeky?

Shut your mouth, you butters sket! I'm not here to bum you, am I?

What you screaming for, man? This is a fucking bank robbery,

everyone shut the fuck up

and get on the fucking floor!

Yeah, I got this, bro, go hit that belly.

That's right, it's a bank robbery, baby!

Give me everything you've got.

I'm talking about pounds,

10ps, 5ps

and even the brown pennies!

You want the pennies?

I'm like ASDA, baby, every penny counts.

Now fill up my two JB bags, chop-chop!

Time waits for no one!

Okay, yep. Okay, alright.

Alright, so darlin', what you're gonna do is... How do...

- How do I put this through, man? - Slide it through, innit?

- I am tryna slide it through, darlin'. - Push and slide.

- Slide it. - What d'you, I'm-- I'm--

- I'm doin' it. - Push and slide.

Push and slide.

- Push. - Push and slide.

Okay, yeah. Take the second one, thank you very much.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- I swear I know your voice from somewhere. - What?

You better hush your gums.

You don't know me, bruv!

I swear to God I will shoot you!

I will put a bullet in your brains, fam!

I know you're not talking to me like that!

That's it. Everyone over here like one big happy family.

Are you deaf, cuz? I said get down on the floor.

Do your ting, innit.

But man ain't getting on no floor.

Fam, man ain't asking like to say if man wanted

a cup of tea or something, man is giving orders, fam.

Like I'm a madman, cuz, it's official.

Read about me. I will leng it down in here.

Please don't "leng" anything down!

Fuck me, how much longer's this gonna take?

I got a 48 bus to catch!

This is just spectacular.

Proper spectacular robbery, cuz.

Everyone shut your mouth, I swear down, man!

Nah, I swear I recognize

your little whiney street rat voice from somewhere.

I told you, you don't know me, man.

I don't think you're getting this.

I'm a roadman for life. Click-clack!

- Hold on a minute, fam. - What?

Am I going mad?

Why have you got two guns and man's only got one?

- You really doing this right now, fam? - Yes, I'm doing this right now.

What gives you the right to have two guns and man's only got one?

I couldn't get you two, innit. I could only get three so--

So, why d'you get two then?

I wanted two. I'm the one holding the hostages, fam.

Why d'you get two and I didn't?

- Why fam, why? - Riko, you're bugging out, G.

My gosh, you just said my name, fam.

What? No I didn't!

Yes, you did, you just said my name, Riko.

Why would you say your own name for?

I only said my name 'cause you said my name first.

What are you, some kind of snitch or somethin'?

Sounds like a snitch to me, mate!

I'm not a snitch!

- And I didn't say your name, fam. - You did, innit?

Innit? He said my name.

Question! Is this a joke?

My days!

Shut the fuck up and count my money, bitch!

If I said your name, it was an accident. I'm sorry, alright?

Alright, cool, bro. What if I say your name then, cuz?

Why would you do that for?

'Cause it might be an accident, innit?

This is some fuckin' joke ting.

Kane Patrick Armand Ketende!

What the fuck?

Why would you say my full name for?

I'm sorry, bro, it was an accident, innit?

Okay, okay, you wanna play games, yeah?

Alright. Check this.

- Richard Oshlam Byaseff Bulouck. - My God, fam.

Don't call me Richard, cuz! I told you.

You know I don't like it when people call me Richard!

- What you gonna do 'bout it? - What you gonna do 'bout it?

- I could do a lot. - I could do a lot too.

- Set pace then. - I'm setting pace, fam.

My days!

- You baited up your face, fam. - What?

- You ain't wearing your bally. - You ain't wearin' your bally either, man.

This is all your fault! Stop repeating me, man!

- Just shut up, man! - Just shut up, man!

Rah! Riko and Kane?

You two clowns, course it is!

Who else would rob a bank like this but Riko and Kane?

Idiots!

- Look what you done! - Look what I done? You mean,

look what you done! You started this by saying my name first, fam.

Richard Oshlam Byaseff Bulouck.

Such a good boy, always so polite and friendly.

What's happened to you?

He's that fucking weirdo that got himself sectioned.

Yeah, I read about that.

It's bipolar, alright? And that's why I'm doing this.

To show everyone with mental health problems

that you can do anything you put your mind to.

Even a bank robbery. Believe and achieve.

You can do anything.

Believe and achieve.

That's sick.

I mean, it is very inspiring.

You man need to hurry the fuck up.

- Man has got places to go. - I know!

I'm supposed to be sittin' on face in half an hour still.

Absolutely!

How long is this going to take?

I've left my bicycle out there and it's not even locked.

I wouldn't leave my bike unlocked around here, mate.

Lot of criminals about.

I don't see criminals out here.

I see young people

with no prospects, no future and no hope.

It's not very surprising

after ten years of a Tory government.

What the fuck is this, man?

Everyone shut your mouth!

This is a fucking bank robbery. Do you understand?

I will start murking people out here.

Allow it, wasteman.

On a real, I ain't got time for this shit.

You man are a fucking joke.

You ain't going nowhere, cuz.

What, you gonna shoot me, yeah?

Do you even know who I am, fam?

I don't give a shit if you was fucking Hercules, fam.

You need to be waiting over there, cuz.

Fam, you need to calm yourself

before I punch you through that fucking wall.

My gosh, do you not see what man is holding, fam?

I don't give a shit what you're holding, you dumb fuck.

Trust me, you don't want it with me.

Listen, I'm gonna have to ask you to sit over there, you know, fam.

- I fuckin' warned you. - What the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Shoot the brother! - Listen, I'll shoot you

you know, fam. I swear I'll shoot you, cuz.

Blud, you're lucky you're holding that strap.

But just remember, I've seen your face and them.

You fucked up, bruv.

I will come back and I will catch you

and your whole fucking family.

- Now ask about me. - What?

Are you mad? I don't give a shit who you are.

All I'm sayin' is...

keep pointing that gun at me

and I will shove it up your fucking batty crease!

What? Ain't no one shoving nothing

up my bumbum-hole, cuz. I'll smash your head

- through that fuckin' window. - You should allow it, fam.

Fuck that! Man's a badman out here, G.

Yeah? Think you're a badman, yeah?

Go on then, shoot me.

Listen, they don't call me "Bipolar Boy" for nothing, you know.

I'm a fuckin' madman, G!

Now sit the fuck down before I disable your legs, cuzzy!

Yeah? Is that right, yeah?

Fucking shoot me then!

Shoot the pagan! Pap-pap!

- Goldeneye ting! - Seriously, allow it, fam.

- I'll shoot you, cuz. - Fuckin' shoot me!

What do I do, fam? What do I do?

- Shoot him! - I'll shoot you, fam.

- Fuckin' shoot me! - Riko, shoot!

- Come on! Do it! - Shoot him.

Fuckin' shoot me!

Yo, fam, are you alright?

I was just joking, man. The gun ain't even loaded, cuz.

What the fuck did you do, fam?

You fuckin' killed him.

Nah, man. We were just chattin' and I dunno what--

I think he's just havin' a nap or something.

He looks dead to me, cuz.

So, that's attempted armed robbery and murder, so just so you know

you're looking at 30 years plus, for the both of you, so...

- Now wait, hold on. - Fam, you know who that is, innit?

That's Leo DeMarco from Skengville, fam.

I can't believe you just duppied him like that.

You're fucking sick, fam.

Wait, what? That's Leo DeMarco?

Yeah, cuz.

You're on that madman smoke, innit?

No long ting.

Man just run up in there backed off the bally, robbed the dance!

Killed off Leo!

You're on some fucking Rambo shit, G!

Nah, you're fucking nang!

What was your man's names again?

Riko and Kane, G.

What the fuck, man?

Stop tellin' everyone our names!

Nah, man's cool, G.

Man does full time road too.

I was actually gonna rob this place as well, but y'know.

Bruv, this ain't no fucking meet and greet, G.

A'ight, listen. Come, we kick man.

Boydem are gonna be here any minute.

We need to go.

Wait, after all that you lot don't even want the money now?

Riko and Kane.

Gang, gang.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ian, Bill.

Excuse me,

can you not do that?

You need a hand with that, love?

Fucking tosser.

Think she needs a big wide one up her ass.

Lighten her load a little.

D'you see who that dark fella was?

Ian,

Bill.

Willy Wanker William!

- Oi-oi! - It's just William, okay?

No "Willy," no "Wanker," just William.

Okay, "No Willy William."

I'll make another complaint, you know.

I will. I will do it!

Alright, ackee breath!

Very sensitive, you lot, ain't ya?

Always complaining about something.

Ian, I'm gonna go inside and do the camera checks.

No need, Bill.

I checked them already.

They went down at 12:42.

They're still struggling to get them back on.

An outside interference, it seems.

I must go now.

There are crimes taking place

and as always, I must solve them.

Excuse me, thank you.

I smell fishy fanny here, Billy.

What, mate?

I may not be an expert on these things

but I bet my left ass cheek

on this having something to do with Shotti!

I'm telling ya, mate,

if we want to start winning

all we've gotta do is catch the pricks who did this.

If we solve this, they've gotta start giving us guns

or at least some new tasers.

Do you think feds are gonna catch man, fam?

I don't wanna go jail.

I can't go jail.

Thirty-five years, nah, man.

Man's all small and all that.

It'll be peak for me in the showers, bro. I'll get raped.

Probably, fam.

But it's cool.

You're a roadman, innit?

Top gully badman, you get me?

All roadmen have to go prison sometime, fam.

Tupac, 50 Cent, Giggs,

Nelson Mandela.

It'll make you more certi on the roads, ya get me?

Where the bumbaclartings are you fuckboys?

You bloody fuck-fucks! Don't fuck me, I fuck you!

This is peak, man.

Man ain't got no P.

We got Bombay Patel on our backs.

The robbery went wrong. Man all killed Leo by accident.

Man's lookin' at jail.

I feel to cry, fam. Real talk.

I should've worn my woolly hat, innit?

It's kinda cold.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, come on!

- Come on. - Run that, run that.

- Growing pains, you'll be alright. - The circle of life and that.

- But you're nearly 40! - Shut up!

What you man saying? What you man telling me?

Shit!

Shit!

I beg you don't rob my creps again, fam.

Nah, it's cool, man. Man heard about what you man done still.

No, that video on Linkup,

that was just a little joke ting that we tried out, innit?

Nah, man's talking about you man murking Leo, fam.

- No, that was just an acc-- - What you saying?

- You man not on this ting, yeah? - It weren't even like that.

You know what man are calling you on the roads?

Man are calling you Rambo Riko, fam.

Rambo Riko?

How did you do it, G?

Big man, I'm hearing my man can't die, fam.

I'm hearing 28 lives, some black magic Obeah settings, fam.

On the real, fam, how'd you kill him?

That's the thing, we didn't actually--

What my boy's trying to say is of course we murked him, fam.

Fuck a Obeah ting, fam.

I am Mr. Obeah. Mr. Black Magic.

I done anyone's dance, you get me?

Hold on, you didn't even do--

A'ight, easy, easy, easy.

Man don't talk too much. You get me?

Oi! You the man?

A'ight, run that photo. Your phone. Let's go, let's go!

A'ight, line up, line up!

There you go, let me get the limelight let me get the main ting, there we go.

- You man in the shot, yeah? - You man in the shot, yeah?

Nice, nice, nice.

On three, "Riko," fam.

Riko!

Rams!

- Riko! - Let me see that, fam.

My God, yeah, this is hard.

Hey, what price plan you on, fam?

A'ight, listen! You man roll safe, you know.

Man hear Leo's brother's lookin' for you man still.

- What? - Yeah, boy, when he finds out

he's gonna go mental. His brother's a fruitcake.

Who's Leo's brother though, fam?

Who's on the greeze?

- Tyreese. - Tyreese.

Who's got da Ps?

- Tyreese. - Tyreese.

Grape!

Zoop-zoop, 2-1, fam.

In your face, cuz!

In your face, fam!

Man was just distracted, innit?

About zoop-zoop!

Gimme the fuckin' control pad, rudeboy.

See that goal? Standard procedures.

Next hype, two all!

What you sayin' now? Exactly!

You fuckin' speng!

This is my game, G. My game.

You alright, Tamara?

Yeah, I'm cool.

Don't be talking to no boys, lickle sketbag donkey head.

Fucking mongoose!

Oi, why the fuck you asking my sister if she's alright for, fam?

You tryna move to her, blud? You tryna press her out, blud?

Trying to chirps her up, cuz? Is that what you tryna do?

You must want man to confiscate your legs, rudeboy.

Sorry, T-man, didn't mean no disrespect, fam. I was just...

Damn fucking right.

Standard procedures about "Are you alright?"

What, you wanna end up like my guy, with a black eye?

Rah, that all rhymes an' that.

Man's so intelligent out here.

How do I do this?

Anyway, fuck about again,

you get a straight Chinese burn to the throat.

Rah, you're such a weirdo.

Your mum's a fucking weirdo

and blatantly sucks dick at the back of the 253 bus.

So, go suck your mum, you butters sket!

That's your sister, bro, that's your mum too.

Step-sister, dickhead!

I don't care. I don't care, fam.

I don't care about anyone. That's how naughty-waughty I am.

Yo, T...

You got a sec?

Man needs to chat to you still.

It's about your brother, fam.

Something's happened.

What you talking about, blud?

What you mean something's happened?

Fam! What the fuck happened?

Ya making man get butterflies inna ma belly-tummy, man.

Man's hearing he's in hospital, blud.

Think someone run up on him, fam.

Word on the road is some brother called Riko did it.

Wiko?

Who the fuck is fucking Wiko?

Oi, Jay.

Does he roll with Shotti? Is he one of Shotti's boys?

I dunno, bro.

Try move to my brother, yeah?

My bloodline! My brother, you know.

Rah, what happened?

Slapanory Time!

Shut your gums, rudeboy!

Man's speaking out here.

Don't insult man's superior intellect.

As a sideman, you only speak when you're spoken to.

You fucking coleslaw-face.

Man's gonna fuck this Wiko yute inside out.

Wiko and his family and his mandem.

Man's gonna fuck his fuckin' neighbors, blud.

Try touch my boy, you know?

This Wiko pussy boy must think he's Captain Planet.

Well, he's not. I'm Captain Planet.

Captain Planet, he's a hero

He's gonna take pollution down to zero

And you know what?

I know say it's got somethin' to do with that pussio, Shotti.

Fucking dickhead!

'Bout touch my bro.

Right, I want all you mans to hit the woads

and find this Wiko yute.

I wanna know where he resides,

where he sleeps, where he buys his weed.

What color socks he wears, what size they are.

I wanna know everything!

Everything!

This is big fucking wars on the woadside, fam!

I'm sure his brother will understand though.

It was an accident, right?

Bruv, fuck all of that, man.

The roads think we killed Leo, bro.

Man's got to run with that narrative, bruv.

Man's been waiting for this moment my whole life.

It's like we've finally been verified as bad boys, cuz.

You can't fuck this up, man. I'm begging you, bruv.

You gotta be more gassed.

You're a killer now. He-Man ting.

By the power of Grayskull

you are "Murder Man Reeks".

Murder Man Reeks?

I fucking like it, fam.

It gets my bipolar popping, cuz, I can't even lie.

What about Rambo Riko?

My guy was saying it earlier.

'Cause I do think of myself a bit, you know, a bit Ramboish, cuz.

I like that! I like that.

- Rambo Riko! - Rambo Riko, whoa!

Rambo Riko up in here!

You man Riko and Kane, yeah?

Yeah, that's right, bro.

- Riko and Kane. - Riko and Kane.

- That's Riko. - That's Kane.

- Riko and Kane. - Riko and Kane.

Get in the car, fam. Shotti wants to see you.

- Shotti? - Shotti?

So, you man are Riko and Kane, yeah?

Yeah, bro.

- Riko and Kane. - Riko and Kane.

- That's Riko. - That's Kane.

- Riko and Kane. - Riko and Kane.

Riko...

So, Dwayne tells me you're the guy that killed Leo.

Yeah, that's right, bro.

So, how you kill him?

D'you know what it was, my guy?

Man's robbing a bank, innit, and you got my man whatever his name is.

He's all up on the wall tryna flex all sexy and dat

like he's on some catalogue ting

and I'm tryna tell my guy, innit

"Get down on your fucking knees!" But he's not listening

and because of a certain someone

man's only got one gun but it's cool, so I back out the ting, yeah,

and he starts saying that he's gonna punch me

through the fucking wall and shove a strap up my bumbum-hole!

And I said, "Nah, cuz, are you mad?"

"No one's shovin' no strap up my batty crease!"

And then yeah.

And then what?

Then man dropped him.

No long ting. You get me?

If man comes in our way, we take 'em out.

Riko and Kane. Bang, bang. All day, midday.

Man said, "all day, midday."

I love that.

Come on, fam, we does this.

I'm not gonna lie, we do, fam.

Where you man from? Cah...

Man ain't really heard of you man before.

Skengville estate, cuz. Originally from Goonbred though.

Same way roadman since birth. Ya get me?

Click-clack! HM pizzle.

Bang, bang everywhere gang.

We do this, cuz.

These man are mad, you know.

But I like mad. You get me?

See? I told you I could find these man.

Shut up, Dwayne.

Go and bag the food with the youngers.

It's just like banter, we have a little...

So, what you saying, mandem?

Let man put you on, innit?

Come run with me. M Gang ting.

Money and murder, cuz.

Geez! Murkers "R" Us!

Yeah, murkers are us, G.

I swear I see you man on that Linkup video ting though.

What? You got the wrong people, fam.

You get me? We don't do no Linkup videos.

- We keep things mystic out here. - That's right, Mystic FM, G.

About Linkup videos.

Nah, he definitely looked like you man.

No, they weren't us, alright?

Hey, Shotti, wagwan for your boy, cuz?

We need some goddamn respect out here.

We are some trained killers.

I am an African giant

and I will burn a boy out here, cuz.

I furthermore shoot him, cuz.

Hasn't reached that level.

- Rambo Riko, shoot him! - What, now?

- Yeah, yeah. - No, no, no.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Fuck it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Whoa! - That's what I'm sayin', cuz.

Rambo Riko up in here.

I'll shoot him again you know, fam. Shall I shoot him again?

- Chill, chill, chill! - 'Cause you know I would, innit?

You shoot me!

My God will not forgive you, you demonic bastard!

No, no, no...

Fuck that, you man are gonna fuck up my sofa.

Sorry, Shotti, man. Man's got mental health issues, innit.

Mental health awareness and all that, so I thought I'd let you know. You get me?

So, what you sayin'?

You man wanna jump on the wave, yeah?

Man will put bread in your pockets, fam.

I just need them young Gs that are on it.

I need them madman shooters, you get me?

- Course, fam. - Yeah, man's fully on that, G.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oi, hear what.

You man smoke weed, yeah?

Yeah, bro, man definitely does, cuz.

Oi, Dwayne.

Get my man a loud pack, yeah?

Hold this, yeah.

This is my chain.

Ain't nobody fuckin' with you when you got this round your neck.

You hear me?

He looks sick, fam.

Here.

Proper Cali, cuz.

Gelato ting, peng.

I need you man do a quick little run for me, yeah?

Lose this bag,

or what's meant to come back to me,

and you ain't gonna have no neck to put no chain on, fam. You get me?

Dwayne, anything they need, yeah?

And take the Porsche.

And someone come clean this place up before my mum walks in!

Come, we hit the roads, mandem.

- Puh, puh, puh - It's Riko and Kane, fam

- Puh, puh, puh - We're in the game, fam

- Puh, puh, puh - You know our names, fam!

- Puh, puh, puh - We bring the pain, fam!

- Puh, puh, puh - You know our names, fam

Puh, puh, puh

I'm telling you, Billy,

those two are the contract killers.

Are you sure about that, Ian?

I mean, they don't look like your usual contract killer type.

They're fucking Black boys, ain't they?

They behave...

all, you know...

Black!

That one's not even Black though!

He is. Alright, his skin isn't.

But I'm tellin' ya.

He's got that look, ain't he?

- What look? - I dunno!

All that urban malarky.

That "wagwan famalam, innit" look.

All that cocoa butter goes to their heads, don't it?

I don't get it, mate.

What the fuck goes on in that head of yours?

Why have you always gotta talk like this?

I-- I-- I...

I don't want to talk about it, alright?

So, what now then?

We wait, follow them

and gather as much information as we can

and then we pounce like a fucking puma.

- Hello... - What?

Calm down, let me have a word--

- Chill, chill, chill. - What you doing, bruv?

- Stop! - Hey, what you doing, fam?

Who the fuck are you, fam?

Don't worry about who I am. Leave the pretty girl alone, innit?

- Look, it's fine. - No, it's not fine.

Man's moving like he's Harvey Weinstein out here.

Harvey Weinstein, what?

You know who the fuck you're talking to?

Do you know who the fuck I am?

It's man like Melvin.

- Man ought to punch you in your face. - Yeah?

Kane!

Kane!

Kane!

Allow it, man!

Hi, my name's Riko.

I hope you don't mind me saying but you are beautiful.

Hold on.

- Wait, wait-- - Hadouken!

Riko! Riko!

That's right!

Riko and Kane up in this bitch!

Man like a Black GI Joe!

Pussy!

I didn't even get your name, you know.

It's Tamara.

Are you taking the mickey, rudeboy?

Are you really tryna draw a ting right now?

This ain't a ting, fam. This is Tamara.

You man, come. We gotta kick. Come, man. We need to kick, fam.

Take care, Tamara, yeah? I hope you have a lovely evening.

Broski.

Look at you.

Face all dry and that.

We was just about to take over, fam.

Do the mazzer on Shotti.

Conquer the world.

From London to New York, you said.

Now look at you.

Some fucking couch potato.

Wake up, man!

I need you, man.

I can't do this without you, bro!

It was me and you. It was us, remember?

Bromo gang, remember?

Big bro, lickle bro!

- Big bro, lickle bro! - Hey, fam, I don't think--

Don't fucking touch me, man!

Fucking mongoose!

Man has done a little wibbly-wobbly one there still.

Man was on a Lion King vibe, innit?

Mufasa ting, you know them ones.

But fuck all of that.

This ain't no fucking Disney Plus ting, fam.

Man needs to get on my Scarface ting.

Hunt down that cockroach, Wiko.

Who does he think he is, bro?

Touch my bro, ya na?

My bro!

No one touches my bro but me!

Will you keep it down, please?

There's some seriously ill people in here, trying to rest.

Shut your mouth, you butters horseface donkey sket.

I'll dash you out the fucking window, you clown.

Fuck her, man.

I would, fam.

Can't we just circle the block and find this Riko, innit?

Whore!

So, where the fuck is this Wiko?

Has anyone got any credentials on him?

Try touch my family, ya na!

Nah, this guy must be some kinda madman.

Blud, I think I'm in love.

Riko and Tamara. It's all got that Romeo and Juliet vibe.

Alie, fam?

Tamara, fam?

Blud, that's Leo's stepsister.

Don't lie. She was peng though. Alie, fam?

Didn't you hear him, bruv?

That's Leo's sister, bruv. Don't be ringing her, you know.

He actually said stepsister, fam.

But yeah, I hear ya. Did you smell her hair though, cuz?

I smelt it when I was standing close to her.

It all smelt like wild strawberries.

Man said wild strawberries.

You're fucking sick.

Man's trying to draw down a dead man's sister

while smacking up bare man.

Rambo Riko!

I can't lie though. I've never seen nothing like it.

Maybe WrestleMania but never in real life.

Bad man ting, G.

Come on, fam, that's how we roll, G.

Badder man for any badder man.

I dunno what happened. I just saw red and went all bipolar.

You got bipolar, fam?

Yeah, bro.

That's sick.

I want some of that bipolar shit too, fam.

No, cuz, you don't. Trust me. It's dead.

It's fucking long.

Certain times I feel like a madman.

Certain times you are a madman, fam.

Nothing wrong with being a little bit mad though, cuz.

Man, you don't understand.

Man have to take meds every day and shit.

It's fucking dead, and sometimes...

I dunno, I...

I just feel kind of lost, if I'm being honest.

I feel your pain, bro.

- Man's autistic, innit? - Is it?

- Sick. - Yeah, man, so...

man say if you ever need to talk, innit.

Men should be able to talk about they problems more.

What the fuck, fam?

Man's got Jesus and Gandhi in the fucking whip.

Bruv, fuck all this NHS special needs talk, bruv.

Come and get the bag

give it to Shotti and park off, blud. I'm fuckin' hungry.

Where's the bag, fam?

- What bag, fam? - The bag, cuz.

What do you mean, "The bag, cuz"?

No, no, I swear I gave it to you--

No, you had the bag, fam.

I had the bag and I said, "Kane, hold this."

Bruv, I don't remember you saying that, fam.

I definitely did though, cuz.

I 'member giving it to you like this, I was like this, cuz.

How the fuck did you lose the bag, man?

- Look for it, blud. - No, it's not here, cuz.

We're gonna have to go back. We're gonna have to go back, cuz.

Blud, man can't lose the bag. We definitely have to go back.

Fuck!

- Shit! - Shit.

It's RoboCop time, baby!

Go faster, man, faster!

Put your foot down, Billy!

Can't fuckin' see 'em.

Where are you two pussyclartings?

Bruv, where's Dwayne?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Hey, Riko!

Kane!

Shit, I can smell petrol, bro, come on!

Bruv, I can't get out!

Don't worry, I've got you, bro.

Foot's stuck, help.

Help me.

Riko...

Come on.

For fuck's sake. Split up!

Come here, you little shit!

Shit!

Oi! Come here!

Fuck me!

Fuck off!

Come on, you two, get after him!

What the fuck, man?

Nice little doggie!

Nice little doggie!

You alright up there, mate?

Yeah. Just walkin' my dog, innit?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Usain Bolt?

Yeah, bro, you dickhead.

Alright, shitface?

You ain't so clever now, are ya?

How long am I gonna be in here, man?

How long am I gonna be in here?

Fuck's sake!

I feel really hot in here!

Should've took my meds today, man.

I swear I'm buggin' out.

Fuck's sake.

How long am I gonna be in here?

Come on! I knew I should've took...

Kane!

I knew I shoulda took my meds today!

Freezin' in here!

I feel really hot in here!

I shoulda took my meds today, man.

Fuck's sake!

I'm buggin' out, man.

Kane!

Kane, man! Kane, you sleepin'?

I don't fuckin' feel right.

Yo, boss!

Can man get a cigarette, or a zoot or somethin'?

I won't tell you again.

Shut the fuck up!

Get up.

So, how do you know Shotti, then?

Shotti?

What the fuck is that? Some kind of potty you shit in?

Shotti?

Yeah, I know him still.

I must have fitted a kitchen for him once a few years back.

Yeah, nice guy.

Why didn't you stop the car?

Car? What car?

I weren't drivin' no car.

I was just walkin' my dog, innit?

To be honest, I can't even drive.

Well, I did once, 'cause Kane got waved on some XlX Vodka.

I had to drive him home but it was just the one time still, I promise.

Is this Shotti's chain?

No, that's my one, innit?

Like he's got one and I've got one.

So, like one each, innit?

What does "MGANG" stand for?

The "M" stands for motivation, meditation and music.

I must say, I've been getting into a lot of yoga recently still.

Woosa.

Wagwan with all these questions, man?

Movin' like it's Mastermind or something?

Has Riko had his phone call yet?

'Cause you know when Riko has his phone call

we're out of here, you get me?

Man's got dat topboy Jewish solicitor.

And when he's finished with you and you,

I'm expecting a full-blown apology letter.

Ya get me? And that's some Mary had a curry goat, brother.

Hello, Tamara.

Yeah, who's this?

It's me, Riko.

I thought I'd just call and say hello.

It was really nice meeting you.

- I wish I coulda stayed and spoke to you. - That was crazy what happened.

I've never seen anything like it.

Yeah, that was a bit of a mad one.

It's just my stepdad used to try and hit my mum, innit,

so I'm totally against that shit.

When I saw that guy troubling you like that.

I dunno, it just...

It just brought out bad memories.

That guy was one of my brother's friends

and I actually fucking hate him, so thank you.

Yeah, your brother...

That's why I wanted to call, innit?

It-- It was me, I was at the bank

and I killed your brother Leo, I didn't mean to...

- it just happened all so quick. - What?

- You didn't kill him. - No, I did.

I dunno how. I think I've just got this power,

I felt it from young.

My brother had a heart attack.

He's had the condition ever since he was a kid.

But he's awake now.

Wait, what?

Leo had a heart attack?

- So, it wasn't my fault? - No, it wasn't your fault, Riko.

- Is that Riko? - Yeah. Hold on.

He wants to talk to you.

Riko...

I want to thank you, my brother.

You saved my life, bro.

I've seen the light.

Thank you, my brother.

Look, Riko, I gotta go.

I gotta call my other stepbrother and let him know

and also to tell him that it wasn't your fault.

Yeah. Yeah, if you could tell him that'd be decent still.

I will, Riko.

Well, look, I better go.

Be safe

and I'll talk to you later.

Alright. Bye, beautiful.

That was Leo's sister.

She said Leo had a heart attack.

- That means I didn't kill him! - Is that right, sunshine?

Well, you just wait right there

and I'm gonna go and check that out.

Gimme that fuckin' phone.

Come here!

Allow it, I ain't done nuffin!

It was just a zoot, bro.

"Just a zoot," he says.

If my calculations are correct

the last time I checked

cannabis was still an illegal substance.

Please, bro, come on, man. I'm sorry, innit?

Justice must be served!

Now get in the car. I am not going to ask you again.

I told you, get in the car!

Rah.

- Oi, is that Wiko, fam? - Fam, I don't think that's him.

- You just ran over a fed. - So, what though? Is he Wiko?

I don't think so.

How do you know, fam?

Do you know what Wiko looks like?

- Nah. - So, what the fuck are you doing

coming out the car telling me that this ain't Wiko, hm?

How do you know that information?

How do you know if this is Wiko or not?

He could all be a fed. Oi!

What the fuck are you lookin' at?

Are you Wiko?

Hey, Wiko!

He's gone mad, fam.

He's lost it.

Wiko, you fuckin' lickle pussy boy!

Where are you?

Where are you, little shitbag?

You can wun but you can't hide!

Oh my days!

It's the Murkle Man!

Murkle Man!

It's the Murkle Man!

Cuz, your timing is impeccable, rudeboy.

Proper superhero tings.

It's the Murkle Man.

Seckle!

I need your help, fam.

Please tell me you know who this Wiko is.

I need to know who he is and where he was at.

Please, tell me you know this information, fam?

You might have to circle still.

I see Riko, fam, he was all chillin' in Faces.

What? Faces?

Yeah, fam.

And he was all chillin' with your sister.

Murkle!

I'm not gonna lie, fam, she was looking kinda...

neckle!

Can you shut the fuck up? I'm tryna watch Gogglebox!

Suck your mum!

Murkle!

What the fuck?

My sister, blud?

Wiko is tryna chirps and press my sister, blud?

This dickhead must think that he's me, fam!

Wiko! You fucking lickle pussio!

I'm coming for you!

Fam, your sister just rang man and said that Leo's cool, bro.

He woke up, fam.

He's alive and that.

What?

Bruv, your brother's cool.

He's all saying he wants to talk to you.

Cuz, I know I've got a huge brain and all that

but all this information is too much for my head top, fam.

Come like some Christmas special of Emmerdale Farm, fam!

Too much is going on to rasclart!

Little bro.

I thought I'd lost you, big bro.

Never, family.

Never.

T...

T!

I gotta chat to you, innit?

All the badness and wickedness we do...

all the lengin' and drillin' we've done...

it's gotta stop, my bro.

It's all wrong.

We gotta stop with all this madness.

Man has seen the light, G.

Jesus!

He came to me, into my heart!

What the fuck are you talkin' about, bro?

Trust me, bro...

I've seen the light.

I've been awoken.

What light?

What the fuck are you talkin' about, bro?

It was probably this light, fam.

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck have you been inhaling, bro?

Oi, Tamara,

what the fuck is wrong with him?

Nothing, he's fine.

Even the doctor said he's fine.

Oi, and what the fuck are you doing sleeping with the enemeny!

What?

What are you talking about?

Tryna fuck that Wiko yute, yeah?

I'm hearing you was all lipsin' him up and conversating with him.

Oi, big up Riko, cuz.

A proper shepherd.

I weren't lipsin' him.

I just met him.

And he's cool, we were just chattin'.

Fucking hoebag!

Imbeciles every-where.

What you sayin' then, bro?

Do you want man to keep looking for Riko, yeah?

Duh!

Of course, fam.

Are you dyslexic or something?

He tried touch my brother

and now look at him.

He's all gay and that!

Nah, fam.

I'm gonna touch him up differently...

super violating.

He ain't even gonna see man comin'.

You're free to go, mate.

What? I'm allowed to go, yeah?

Yes, mate.

Just sign this and you're a free man.

You got a pen at all?

Yeah.

That's a nice pen, man.

Yeah, you can keep it.

You know, look.

You like flashy things, don't ya?

Look at that. Look at that. Look at that.

Souvenir, go on.

Sick. Safe, fam.

Yeah, come on, Bill, let's go.

Man try and lock me up like some cage animal.

This ain't 12 Years a Slave, cuzzy.

This is Sumotherhood.

Fam...

Pinky's been blowin' up man's phone. He's on to man differently.

Silly Billy wanna test moi.

Fuck that! Man's certi.

One call to the connect and bam! Man buss case.

No.

Man didn't even call Uncle Bernstein, you know.

I called Tamara still.

She said I didn't kill her brother, fam. He's alive and it was an accident.

That means I can fall in love with Tamara after all. Alie, fam?

You used your phone call to call Tamara, blud?

Are you fucking crazy, cuz?

Are you not listening, fam?

I told her what happened and she's cool with it, bro.

You're a proper idiot, cuz.

Fuck.

Come, we go and link Shotti, man.

Let's explain all this.

Where the fuck you man been?

Oh, cuz, man got into a lickle madness, innit?

Us man went to the club,

Dwayne spoke to security,

us man went inside.

Then man see bare tings there, bro.

Then I see my man, innit, bussed him the P.

He gave man the food,

was like "Rah, that's a lot of food."

Took that, then us man was dussing out

then I see the pengest ting, bro, like she was proper peng.

Fuck are you talking about, bruv? Are you fucking high or somethin'?

Nah, nah. Man only had two draw today still.

I'm just saying the ting was peng, bro.

Then man got into a little passa.

Us man were kicking out

and then boydem were on to us, innit?

Brother!

Where the fuck is my food?

Shotti, cuz--

Shut your mouth, Dwayne.

I'mma deal with you separate.

Ask you again, fam.

Where the fuck is my food?

The food, see...

See, I gave it to Kane, yeah, but now he's sayin--

What? Don't even try it, fam!

Okay.

So, you tryna take man for some dickhead, innit?

Calm.

Oi, take off my chain.

I don't want to get his blood on it when I shoot him.

Take that off, man.

Come on, bro, man.

So what? You wanna rob me of my food, yeah?

Nah, nah, it weren't even like that, fam.

Hello?

Say nuttin'.

Rah!

You man are somethin' else.

Man was just about to shoot all three of you on the spot

and man's hearing that you smacked up Melvin and his boys

in Faces, yeah?

You a bunch of lucky yutes.

Oi, fuck the package.

Man smacked up Melvin!

I've had beef with that dickhead for years.

So, what did you do to him?

Cuz, man just went all bipolar with it, innit?

First, I sparked him in the face, then I bottled him,

then I picked up a chair, then man did a elbow drop.

Man said "elbow drop"!

Ay, bruv, that's what we do, Shotti.

You get me? Anytime, anywhere.

Unlimited usage. You get me?

A'ight, but, uh, Shotti...

When do we get paid, 'cause...

man owes 15 bags to a certain someone, you get me?

What?

Don't be talking to me about no P, fam.

About you owe a certain man 15 bags.

Blud, you owe me 20 fuckin' bags, blud.

That's how much you lost.

But don't worry.

Man's gonna put that loss aside for the time being.

Man can pattern that. Don't watch that.

Man will make you run that back in favors.

I all got a favor now still.

Man's gotta go Docklands, and rob some Polish donnies.

But this time, I'm gonna come with you

and see your murder game for myself.

You get me?

Nah, man's kinda tired, you know.

It's just man ain't really slept yet, innit.

Man ain't askin' for a favor, cuz.

Man's tellin' you, that's the favor.

You understand?

Bro, say no more.

'Cause man don't even like Polish people, you get me?

Remember my man Falaski and that, yeah?

Bruv, he all fucked up my mum's flooring, man.

- I remember that, bruv. - Fuck all that!

You lot go downstairs and wait, innit?

Get tooled up.

Man's gonna ride out in a sec still.

Oi, you man, I left my phone.

- I'll meet man downstairs, yeah? - Cool.

Tamara, you alright, darlin'?

I didn't know if you was gonna call.

I was actually calling to see what you were doing now.

I was thinking,

maybe if you ain't busy,

we could link up or something?

What, now?

- Well, I'm just about to go Docklands. - Docklands?

Yeah, I just gotta sort somethin' out.

Okay, cool.

When you get there, send me your location

and I'll come and see you.

Yeah, no, definitely. I'll send you location

as soon as I get there. 007 ting.

Okay, cool.

See you later.

Yeah. Yeah, see you in a bit.

Well done, you lickle sketbag.

You're a dead man...

Motherfucker!

What you doing in here?

You're meant to wait outside and be lookout.

Fuckin' dickhead.

I see...

Hey, what you man sayin'? You ready, yeah?

Come on, man.

Man was born ready, G. What, they here now, yeah?

'Cause I'll gun a man down now, you know.

No long ting.

Dun know. Click-clack.

Yo, fam. Polish mandem are here, you know.

Cool.

You man get the ting ready, yeah?

Mandem.

You man work for Krzysztof, yeah?

Yes, my friend.

So, what you saying, broskis?

You got some money for me, yeah?

- You got the drugs? - Of course, man.

Always got drugs.

Click-clack.

- It's Riko and Kane. - It's Riko and Kane.

- That's Riko. - That's Kane.

- Riko and Kane. - Riko and Kane.

- We bring the pain. - We bring the pain.

Yo, Reeks, get the bag, fam.

Give man the bag, cuz.

I told you that pen was a little beauty!

Built-in mic, GPRS

and it's got a torch!

I feel like James fucking Bond out here!

Ian, I think you're taking all this a bit too far.

It's getting pretty serious in there.

We should call it in and wait for backup.

Nah, fuck that, Billy!

Let's go!

Who the fuck are you two?

We are the Polish people.

Dob-chez!

No, we are the Polish people.

No, vee are da Polish people!

Dob-chez!

Yes, we are the Polish people.

So, who the fuck sent you?

Poldolski sent us, Iach-shee-mesh.

What the fuck is going on here, fam?

What you sayin', famalam?

Everyone drop your weapons.

The fuck are you doing here?

Shut up! Man ain't even talking to you.

Bet you weren't expecting me, were ya?

See? Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

You men underestimate the power of planning.

Proper preparation prevents poor performance.

Man's a fucking professional out here.

Oi! Don't be tryna move, fam.

You best keep that dry crusty peanut head of yours still

before man start putting holes in man. Ya get me?

And that goes for any of you Mongolians tryna play Commando.

I'm the Bruce Willis out here.

This is my movie!

Now, who the fuck is Wiko?

Are you Wiko, fam?

I said, are you Wiko, fam?

You know what? You just missed him, innit.

He just popped to the shops. You want anything?

You tryna take man for some fucking Lenny Henry, blud?

Open your mouth! Say "ah."

Now, I'm gonna ask you again.

Are you Wiko, fam?

I'm Riko, fam.

You?

Don't piss me off, fam.

Be careful, bro, you don't want it with Riko.

Shut up!

Fuck sake, man. I had you covered, bruv.

The shop story was workin'. All you had to do was--

Shut up, you neek.

So, you're Wiko, yeah?

This weird-looking hairy yute?

So, you're the dickhead that touched my brother, yeah?

- Bro, I know-- - I swear, blud,

say something, anything,

anything and I will blow your head bareback, fam.

What you sayin' now?

Where's all that energy now, fam?

- Where's that energy now, yeah? - That's what I was trying to tell you--

Oh my days, you fucking cowpat!

What did I say? I said say anything!

Anything!

You know what? Credit's done.

It's game over!

Any last words, blud?

- Listen, bro-- - Time's up.

Enough of your bad breath lyrics, fam.

Stop! Don't shoot him, Theodore!

Tamara!

- Whoa... - Theodore?

Who the fuck is Theodore?

What the fuck is going on here?

The fuck are you doing here?

I told you to wait in the car!

Riko didn't even do anything, it was just a stupid argument.

You better shut your fuckin mouth, you fuckin' whore,

or I swear to Allahu Akbar!

Bro, that's what I've been tryna tell you, man.

I didn't mean to hurt your brother, cuz. It was just an accident.

I didn't even touch him.

I promise you, I'm not a killer.

What the fuck?

So, you're tellin' me you didn't kill Leo?

- No, I thought I killed him but then-- - So you did try kill my brother?

Nah, I thought I did but I didn't mean to

and then Tamara was like "Leo's cool and I was chattin' to him"

and he's like "Yeah, we're blessed, bro."

What? So, Leo ain't dead?

No, he's alive.

I wasn't sure how to tell you still.

What, and you was talkin' to him?

What the fuck is this?

Who the fuck are you, man?

I'm Kane, that's Riko--

- Shut the fuck up! - Shut the fuck up!

Hold up!

Back up, back up, back up.

I got beef with these pussios too.

Wagwan, bro.

What the fuck happened to you, fam?

Minor, bro.

Couple cracked ribs, broke both my arms above the elbow,

broke a collarbone, broke both my legs.

It's minor though, I can still bang out, you get me?

This pussio caught me off-guard.

Right, that's gas, man.

We had you out good and proper. Light work.

What? Hey, fuck this skinny tall Tinie Tempah wannabe.

Shoot him in the pum-pum.

Hey, no more interruptions for you man.

It's personal time.

The fuck is that noise, rah?

Yeah, what is that?

Swear that's coming from you, fam.

Nah, it's nothing. It's just somethin' I got from the police station, innit?

Rah! Man's a fucking fed, fam!

He's all recording, man!

What the fuck?

You man are feds now, yeah?

- What? - What?

What? I got beat up by a fed?

What? No, course man ain't a fed.

I'm not a fed, darlin'.

Don't chat to my sister, blud!

What? After everything we've been through, fam, you went to cooperate with the feds?

Are you trying to set me up too?

Nah, it's not even like that, bro.

I can't believe it, fam.

Man all sleep together, fam.

Okay, I haven't got time for all this.

Deal's off.

Whoa! How you gonna be pointing a gun at me, man?

It's me! Allow that, bro!

Yo, hold up, blud.

Nah, I feel violated, blud.

How could you do this to man, fam?

Man could have snitched together, cuz.

I'm not a snitch and I'm not workin' with the feds

and stop pointing that fucking gun at me, man.

Real talk, it's making me bug out, G.

Don't tell me what to do, bro.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't like how everyone's just picking up guns

like it's some Woolworths free for all pick-n-mix.

How'd you like it then, fam?

It's like that, yeah?

It's not like that, bro.

The pen weren't even mine.

- He gave it to me! - Who?

My man over there!

Tell 'em to get back.

Back 'em off, Brillo pad!

Back 'em off.

Go on, now!

That's right.

Mr. Cow Foot and Butterbeans.

What? Fuck that.

Shots fired!

Assistance required!

Help me, I'm gonna die!

Come on!

Fucking come on!

Pow, pow, pow!

You dickhead!

Take that, Leroy!

Pussio! Pussio, blud!

Do your research about me!

Ya Black bastard!

Yippee ki-yay!

Pow! Pow! Pow!

Hey, Tyreese, is that you, fam?

I beg you help me, bro.

Man's in a hurry, innit?

You got my deets, innit?

DM me!

Tyreese, no!

- Tyreese... - Come on, Billy!

Where are ya? You're missing all the fun!

How you gonna dark me like that, man?

We're supposed to be brothers! How you set me up like that?

I didn't even do nothing, cuz.

I'd never dark you like that, fam.

Come on, bro. BFF, fam.

Best friends forever.

What? Allow that, that's moist, cuz.

Man!

- You ready, fam? - I'm ready, fam.

- Click-clack. - Click-clack.

Blud, I've been shot.

Can everyone stop gettin' shot?

I'm gonna die.

I can feel it.

Tell Tamara I love her, cuz,

and tell her not to go out with anyone else if I die, fam.

Please don't die, fam.

Man still owe Pinky 15 bags, cuz!

- Tamara! - Come on, get up.

You're gonna be fine but we gotta go right now.

Come on, fam.

Go, fam, go!

Where you going, fam?

I told you them Riko and Kane, them man aren't worth it.

- You don't listen, fam. - Shut up!

Where is the love?

We ask for more love in the world!

Oi!

Fuckin' pagans!

Fuck your gang.

Man's got a new gang now.

Riko and Kane.

That's family.

Dwayne.

My guy!

You man.

We gotta kick. Boydem will be here any second.

No one open fire unless authorized by me. Is that clear?

Gimme that.

- Is that menthol? - Yes, ma'am.

You scumbag.

Look atcha now!

Answer me back!

Ya can't, ya dead.

Look at you now, you're dead!

You're dead!

What the fuck have you done, Ian?

M-- Ma'am...

Me and Billy here have unfolded the case

of a situation of events

where guns and drugs and money was being used by criminals!

Bad guys, Black guys, Polish guys.

Decepticons, ma'am.

Baddies.

Has he been smoking the evidence again, Billy?

No, ma'am.

I don't think he has this time.

I have just spent the last two weeks

having interviews and meetings at head office

to clear the Met's name because you...

think it's okay to taser innocent Black men.

- Yeah, ma'am-- - Don't you wave

that fucking thing at me!

You clown.

Do you know, I've had 18 complaints regarding you

and your "unorthodox" and xenophobic methods of police work?

And yesterday...

a complaint about inappropriate sexual misconduct

with an ambulance worker!

Again!

And now this!

She's chattin' shit, ma'am.

I didn't even touch her.

All I did was...

- What, that's all you did? - Yeah, ma'am, just that!

What? Just that?

What's wrong with that?

She must be a snowflake!

I tell you what, when I was starting out,

you never knew who was gonna slap your backside

from one minute to the next.

And it was character building, right?

Wrong!

Fucking wrong, you ridiculous prick.

She's an ambulance driver.

She sees horrific things all day long

and you think

she needs to indulge your inappropriate schoolboy

little dick behavior.

Your time's up here.

You know, we see your type every day at work...

hear about you on the news.

Our mothers, sisters, daughters, friends...

they encounter you on a daily basis

but that ends now.

What were you thinking?

Are you on crack?

I'm taking your badge.

You're fired.

- But, but, ma'am! - Go and get your shit and go!

Nobody likes you, Ian, you're a wanker.

M-- Me bollocks!

Here's Pudi!

Shit.

"Fifteen bags, bossman."

"Riko and Kane."

"Click-clack"?

They paid me in fucking rupees!

Clever little fuckings.

Where the fuck are you two hidings, huh?

You already know from London to LA, baby!

Click-clack!

Fam, stop doin' that, man.

Sorry, man. I'm only gonna do this four more times!

Not gonna lie,

feels like I'm in a Disney film or something.

Like I'm Aladdin and you're my Princess Jasmine.

It's crazy.

It feels like...

I dunno, like this is the part of the film where the hero gets the girl.

Like this is that moment. The moment when they finally kiss

and nothing can stop it, d'you know what I mean?

Selfie gang!

Take the picture for me.

Hey, Kane, Kane, Kane.

That's it, that's it.

And gang...

Gangsta rizz about his vibes!

- What you sayin' now, cuzzy? - What you sayin', boy?

- What you sayin', fam? - What you sayin?

- What you sayin', fam? - I was just jumpin'.

I was just jumpin'.

- I was just jumpin'! - Click-clack.

Click-clack.