Original subtitles

Keep in mind, sir...

this is a pivotal event for the campaign.

First, you and Wheeler give opening statements,

then the students will ask some questions.

These kids make me nervous.

Last night, I stayed up watching mtv

to familiarize myself with the current lingo.

Good idea. You're down with young people.

Damn straight, c-dog.

No, I meant down in the polls...

M-dog.

Sir, they're college kids.

Just try to remember what you were like back then.

I was skinny, awkward,

and the last virgin in my fraternity.

Okay. Think of something else.

It's too late. I'm already buried underneath my blanket,

pretending not to hear my roommate having sex.

Can you imagine how uncomfortable that was?

Absolutely, sir.

That's why I bought my roommate a walkman.

Now, you're no longer children.

You're adults,

with all the opportunity and responsibility that entails.

[APPLAUSE]

This is your city.

We are your peeps.

Stuart, call the cable company

and get a block on the mayor's mtv.

How about that naked channel?

He doesn't have it.

I know.

I was just saying... how about that naked channel?

Hey... it's Jennifer Duncan.

Wheeler's campaign manager.

I can't believe that she slept with you

just to get dirt on the mayor.

You lucky bastard.

I've waited three weeks for this moment.

I'll go put her in her place.

Last night was amazing.

You left your socks at my apartment.

I've missed them.

I'll come by and get them tonight.

If 9:00 is okay,

just say in a loud voice, "don't call me that."

Don't call me that.

Oh, he's really lettin' her have it.

I'm surprised.

She seems like the type of woman

Charlie would have a weakness for.

Oh, you underestimate him.

Believe me, he can be cold and ruthless.

First, I'm going to make you my famous stuffed salmon.

Then I'm going to give you a foot massage.

I can't wait.

I'm gonna walk away now.

Just say, "I'm sorry I met you, too."

I'm sorry I met you, too,

even though you're an amazing lover.

That was a freebie.

You just got yourself a homemade crumble cake.

I just got the results from the town-hall meeting.

The students like what you had to say.

Just keepin' it real.

But they hate the way you're saying it.

Well, then bling bling. It's all about the Benjamins.

You have no idea what you're saying.

Not at all.

Robin, do you want to do something after work tonight?

Yeah. You like jazz? Yeah.

Great. Courtney pine is playing down at the blue note.

Tonight you are gonna experience some amazing sax.

I'm in.

I said sax.

Never mind.

Paul, the times called.

They want to do a piece on the mayor's campaign.

Paul?

Robin is so beautiful. She makes me weak.

It's either her

or the fact that you haven't exercised for 30 years.

I wish I could ask her out,

but I'd get nervous and act like an idiot.

Never stopped you before.

You're right. Thanks, buddy.

Excuse me, Robin?

Hi.

Listen, I was... I was just wondering...

um, would there be a chance if I could, uh, buy you lunch?

Are you asking me out?

[LAUGHING] No! Not asking you... no.

No, I... I like to buy p-people lunch.

Here... here's $20.

Paul, I couldn't... just take the money and eat!

Caitlin, you've got to help me.

Fix me up with Robin.

Oh, I don't know, Paul.

No, come on. I really like her.

Besides, I'm already down 20 bucks.

That... that's like two dates.

Four if she doesn't order garlic bread.

I-I don't know, Paul.

I tried fixing you up with my friend Stacey,

and that didn't work out.

That wasn't my fault.

After one date,

she had to be put into the Witness Protection program.

Paul, she wasn't...

never mind.

[BEE] Charlie, it's Jennifer.

I thought the debate went well.

I'd like to schedule another one.

And we should allow more time for... Opening statements.

Oh, my God.

You're sleeping with her.

What are you talking about?

That whole message was in code.

"Debate went well"... date went well.

"Schedule another one"... she wants to see you again.

"Allow more time for opening statements"...

someone's rushing through foreplay.

I am.

Do me a favor.

I want to keep this quiet.

Don't tell anyone about this.

Hey, what's up?

Charlie's dating Jennifer.

I asked you not to say anything.

I thought you meant the part about rushing through foreplay.

Charlie... You rush through foreplay?

You're missing the point.

He's dating Wheeler's campaign manager.

You're what?!

I can't help it.

I know Jennifer works for the other campaign,

and I should be worried,

but... I'm drawn to her.

I don't know what it is.

You're dating Wheeler's campaign manager?

Charlie, that woman's already proved

that she's not trustworthy.

I'm sorry. I can't allow you to see her.

I can assure you this will not interfere with the campaign.

This election is a dead heat.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,

and just knowing you're with this woman is going to overpower

the positive effects of my tranquilizers.

Oh, come on, sir.

When it comes to women,

you know you can count on me to use my good judgment.

Okay, I don't even believe that.

So, am I gonna meet any good-looking guys

in this tai chi class?

Put it like this... you like Mel Gibson? Yeah.

You like Kurt Russell?

Yeah.

Well, then you better rent "Tequila sunrise,"

because the guys in this class are butt-ugly.

Hello, ladies.

Oh, here... allow me to get those.

That'll be $12.

I'll... I'll just get hers.

Paul, I am not gonna sit here

and let you make a fool of yourself.

You gonna help me?

No, I'm gonna go to the bar.

You know, this joint reminds me

of a spot I used to go to in the village...

Listen to jazz.

Oh, really? What kind?

Smo-o-o-oth jazz.

Okay. Well, what's your favorite song?

The one that goes...

* diddly up... Boodly ahh... Bop bop... *

[LAUGHS] Wow.

You really are a big fan, huh?

I've gotta be honest. I don't know anything about jazz.

I just know that piña colada song

about making love at midnight,

even though I prefer banana daiquiris

and I've never made love past 10:30.

[LAUGHS] You are a trip.

You know, I think you are too cute.

But?

But nothing.

Waiter?

Get this man a banana daiquiri.

It's what he likes.

Here's the plan... when Jennifer comes in,

you break up with her quick, clean, and cold.

Before you can buckle, we come over,

say we've got to go to the Knicks game, and get you out.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, I didn't realize

your colleagues were coming to this meeting.

It's okay. They know everything.

You told them about the foreplay?

We're very disappointed in him.

We're just gonna go over here.

Jennifer, we have to talk.

If I'd known your friends were gonna be here,

I would've worn a bra.

Oh, God.

I think he just told her.

She's taking it well. Uh...

Charlie, what are you doing? We've got to go to the Knicks game.

Go without me.

Your grandmother is meeting us at the game,

and this may be the last time you ever see her.

Have her call me at the half.

Paul...

Move back tomorrow's 9:00 meeting.

I may be late.

Me too.

Now, wasn't that better than seeing the Knicks?

That was better than being a knick.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

It's Carter.

Are you out of your mind?

You're risking the mayor's trust,

the careers of those closest to you,

and you're jeopardizing the election!

Anything else? Britney Spears is on "letterman."

What does that have to do with me?

Nothing. I gotta go.

Who was that?

That was my friend Carter.

He's freaking out

because I promised the mayor I wouldn't see you.

I had to promise Wheeler the same thing.

I guess being political rivals does make this pretty risky.

Yeah. It's dangerous.

Almost... Forbidden.

Look, if we're gonna do this, then we should set up

some ground rules for our relationship.

Good idea.

We won't talk about our candidates,

we won't discuss our strategies,

and we won't use lavender body oil.

You don't like my body oil?

It itches.

Hmm.

You know what?

This feels great.

I don't know why we let people tell us we can't see each other.

We've got nothing to hide.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MAYOR WINSTON: Charlie, open up.

It's the mayor.

Quick... get under the bed.

MAYOR WINSTON: Come on, Charlie. I know you're in there.

I can see a light under the door.

Damn it.

You're the one who wanted to keep the lights on.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Crawford!

Oh, hey, Charlie.

Oh, I know it's late, but I was in the neighborhood

and I just wanted to come by and tell you face-to-face

how much I appreciate your loyalty.

I can't tell you how much that means to me, sir.

Thanks for coming by.

Your promise to stop seeing that woman...

ooh... completely put my mind at ease.

I feel better than I have in days!

I-I don't know, sir.

You still look a little tense.

Maybe you should, uh, go home and rest.

Tense?

I haven't felt this relaxed since I smoked pot in college.

Smoked pot? Mm-hmm.

Uh, you must be talking about pottery class,

and that's called throwin a pot.

What are you, square? I'm talking about grass.

[CHUCKLES] That's funny, sir.

I'm sure it was just experimental.

Oh, yeah, it was.

Sometimes we rolled 'em, sometimes we used a water pipe.

Even smoked out of an apple once

when I was hard-up at a Joan baez concert.

Well, that was a long time ago,

and I'm sure it's the type of thing

that could never be proven.

Oh, yeah, sure it could!

Just call my old roommate Brian Delaney...

lives in the village, and he's listed.

[LAUGHING] Oh, no, you can't call him.

Oh, thank God.

No, the guy doesn't like me now.

He'd jump at the chance to bring me down.

So... Good night, buddy.

Oh, and, of course, it goes without saying...

this conversation doesn't leave this apartment.

I think it just did.

* she's a lady

* whoa, whoa, whoa

* she's a lady

* I'm talkin' about my little lady *

huh!

* and the lady is mi-I-ne

well, Caitlin...

Looks like someone was good enough for Robin.

I admit...

I may not know a lot about music and history...

Science, math... Philosophy,

geography,

but I do know how to please a lady.

I admit it... I didn't think Robin would go for you.

I should've given you more credit.

You know, I feel like my luck is gonna change with women.

No more Witness Protection programs,

no more job offers in Antarctica,

no more 5-year stints on the mir space station,

not to mention the women who blew me off.

Hi, Jen, it's Charlie... again. Call me.

We've got to talk about last night.

You're never gonna believe this one.

Yeah, we heard... Paul had sex.

Not that. The mayor stopped by my place last night, and...

Paul had sex?

Jennifer overheard him talking about smoking pot in college.

Then she disappeared, and I haven't heard from her since.

I told you not to trust her.

Charlie...

You have messed up before,

but this time there is no excuse.

She wasn't wearing a bra.

It wasn't your fault, man.

Maybe we should just stay calm

until we learn if she's using the information.

Guys, Wheeler just called a press conference for 11:00.

I think he's gonna make a big announcement.

I knew it. Oh, and did you hear?

I had sex.

Paul, I want you to set up a press conference for 10:00.

I like to brag. I think that may be a little excessive.

For the mayor.

He's gonna get this information out on his own terms.

That way, it doesn't look like he's hiding anything.

We're just gonna announce that he smoked pot in college?

The public will understand.

He'll just say, "I've made some mistakes.

"I'm not proud of what I did,

and all I'm asking for is another chance."

So basically last week's apology...

just put "pot" instead of "women's league."

Gotcha.

Okay.

Watch your breathing...

Clear your mind.

So, you slept with Paul.

You're supposed to be letting your mind go.

I did. That's where it went.

Well... Between me and you,

he's pretty wild.

Really?

Yeah.

He's quick, but he's intense.

The apologizing got a little old...

But there was no need.

The guy's got knowledge.

I don't know where he got it from,

but I'm glad he did.

Well, I wouldn't ever imagine you two hitting it off,

but I'm really happy

that two good friends of mine are starting a relationship.

Relationship? Are you kidding?

I thought you liked him.

I do.

I mean, he's a sweet guy.

Do you know before he left he cleaned my apartment?

Is that a euphemism?

[LAUGHS] No.

He got on his hands and knees with ajax.

But cleaning aside, it's just a fling, that's all.

So you're just using him for sex?

Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it...

two adults enjoying each other's company,

and one adult mopping the kitchen.

Sir, I feel terrible

that you have to have this press conference.

Charlie, I couldn't be more disappointed in you

even if you were my own son.

At least then I'd have the comfort

of cutting you off financially.

Maybe it's good that we come out with this.

These type of things are tough to keep hidden.

Oh, yeah.

It's been a real chore to keep it secret for 30 years.

Well, now I've got to go face 50 reporters

and explain to them my embarrassing behavior.

Some people would call that a tough job.

I call it Thursday.

Hey.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Did you come to rub it in my face?

What are you talking about? Don't play dumb.

Why haven't you returned my calls?

We said we weren't going to call each other at work,

and I grabbed your cellphone by accident

when I snuck out last night.

Wait a minute.

I've got your cellphone?

That explains why I got a call from Elizabeth arden

confirming a 4:00 pedicure.

I thought that was at 2:00.

2:00 didn't work for me.

Why did you leave last night?

As soon as I heard the mayor come in,

I panicked and climbed out the window.

So you didn't hear anything he said? No.

What's your big press conference for?

Wheeler's announcing our plan to cut taxes.

Would you excuse me a minute?

It was Joan baez.

I defy anyone to sit through her 40-minute version

of "if I had a hammer" without a little help.

Look...

I was young.

I experimented.

It was a mistake, and I regret it.

But it was over 30 years ago,

and it has nothing to do with the important issues

that are facing this city.

And if my opponent wants to focus on the past, that's fine.

But I'm going to be focusing on the future.

And we're cutting taxes.

Sorry, ladies. Taken.

Caitlin, listen,

I'm thinking of taking Robin on a romantic getaway.

What do you know about coney island?

Wow. You guys are having quite a fling.

Oh, it's a lot more serious than that.

I really like her.

I think she's the one. I see a future for us.

Uh, Paul, I-I think I need to tell you something.

This isn't easy for me to say,

but Robin's not really into having a relationship. She's not?

As harsh as this might sound, she's just in it for the sex.

I see.

Don't get down. I know this can be hard.

I mean, I'm looking for the right person, too,

but if we both hang in there, we'll find that someone special.

Are you gonna be okay?

No.

I'm gonna be great!

Nobody's ever used me for my body!

I'm a boy toy!

Hey! Hey, Stuart, did you hear?

Robin's just using me for sex.

Treasure this. It's a gift.

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go to Robin's.

I've got a job to do.

Ooh. A little afternoon lovin'?

No. I promised to clean her aquarium.

I feel really bad about today.

I should've trusted you.

Even if I heard what the mayor said, I never would've used it.

I'm glad, 'cause I can be pretty tough when I have to be.

More crumble cake?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MAYOR WINSTON: Crawford, it's me!

I know... hide in the bedroom.

Hey.

I know I was a little hard on you today.

I just wanted to come by and tell you all is forgiven.

Thank you, sir.

Have you heard?

Since the press conference,

my numbers with the younger voters have skyrocketed.

I guess they respond to honesty, huh?

Yeah.

Maybe we should try that more often.

I feel so relieved.

Why don't you go home and...

Think of a way we can celebrate it some other time?

Gotta ride the wave, Charlie, and I'm not gonna stop

until every young voter in this city thinks I'm the mack daddy.

That's why I picked up these DVDs.

"The 'nsync world tour"?

Yeah, with two hours of backstage footage!

I'll be back in a second.

I've got to check something in the bedroom.

Charlie, come back in here!

Lance and Justin are starting a pillow fight!

Charlie, you got a minute? Yeah, Paul.

You've been with a lot of women, right?

I don't really like to talk about that.

Well, it's more than three. Yeah.

Okay. We're both players.

As you know, Robin's been using me for my body.

Yeah. I was at the press conference.

Can I ask you a question about sex?

Okay.

How do you know when you're done?

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.