Original subtitles

Too upset... to cry.

That might be the most I've ever told them off.

That might be the most she's ever told us off.

I've just never seen Alison so angry.

She used a word I'd never heard before

as a verb and a noun.

Yes, was rather colourful. I mean,

I did some pretty awful things back in the day,

but I have never been rebuked like th...

Oh, hang on, actually.

There was this one time...

Oh, and they just go on and on and on and on.

And they know that we're stressed,

with the Gatehouse and this place.

I know. They're a lot.

I mean, I find them a lot, and I can't see or hear them.

Turns out,

the arms contract had been sold to the newspapers

by one of the prostitutes.

Too confused to cry.

So, how do we make things right?

Well, you'd have to refund the Libyans,

find the prostitute...

With Alison! Oh.

Well, is obvious.

We need say sorry.

ALL AGREE Huh?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, that... Ye...

Yeah, no, just... Just thanks for letting us know.

Yeah. All the best, yeah. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Unbelievable!

I mean, how selfish can you be?

What happened? The Carters just cancelled.

What? Why?

Because they're evil.

Er, and maybe because their cat's ill.

But mainly cos they're evil.

I mean, what is the point

in us offering five-star service

if there's no-one here to give it five stars?

Hey, you know what this means? That we're going to go bankrupt?

It means that

a very nice little guesthouse that I know of

happens to have a last-minute vacancy.

Yeah, I just told you that.

No, I mean... for us. Well, for you.

You never lose it like you did this morning,

even with that lot.

You're frazzled. You need to unwind.

Listen, if I said you had a day off

and you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?

I don't know.

Like... maybe a spa day?

Mm.

Or maybe like a nice meal.

Or a picnic!

Or the cinema.

Well, that's what we'll do.

Which?

All of it.

We have to be very careful.

I'm just saying, if we want Alison to hear us out,

we should send the person she likes the most.

Very well. I shall try, but I can't guarantee...

I was thinking more Kitty.

Is that wise under the circumstances? After all,

it was Kitty who pushed her over the edge.

That's a lie!

You said you wished she was dead.

No, I didn't.

Quite the opposite. I said that I wanted to comfort her

and hope that one day, God willing,

I'll be able to hug her and hold her and...

Yes, I see what you mean.

But it was you who made her use the C-word.

It was you who was being callous. Oh!

Come on, it was one little finger.

It was inappropriate.

I just so missed the texture.

Mm. I was being the soldier.

You are not to use that term! Oh, here he goes,

barking his orders. No wonder she's sick of you.

Do not lay this at my door, sir!

I was merely telling Robin not to play with the lamps...

Hey, no you pin this on me! Was Fanny,

with the yibbayabba, yibbayabba.

Excuse me, Robin! It was nothing to do...

Oh!

Five stars, right? Yeah.

And it's all ours.

Ooooh, yeah. Oh,

you've go to have a go on some of... What?

Sorry. I'm just thinking about how long it takes to change the bedding.

No, no, no. No. We're not thinking about bedding,

or cleaning,

or hoovering or dusting or bin change...

Yeah, you're right. It was a terrible idea.

It's never going to happen, is it?

So, day off's off? No, day off's on.

Just... not here.

Er... I've got a better idea.

You want a piece of me?!

Right. Right. Right!

Bang!

Oh! What are you doing?

I was firing my pistol into the air.

You don't have a pistol.

Well, we didn't win the war with attitudes like that, did we?

This blame game is getting us nowhere.

It's quite clear that we all share some responsibility

for provoking Alison's outburst,

whether it's Julian fingering, Fanny's lip

or Mary and her...

Why, Mary, I do believe that you didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, no. Er... No. I suppose... I suppose not.

Hey, this is perfect!

Alison can't be cross with Mary

if she's done nothing wrong.

Let's send Mary in with our apologies,

wait for the dust to settle, and then...

Yeah, no, actually.

No. I'm thinking... no. To that. To doing that.

But you're our secret weapon, Mary.

Yeah. No. Right. It's just...

Erm, I tooks the fall for something I didn't do

once before, and it didn't turn out

all that well for me.

So I'm... I'm thinkin', erm, maybe this time

I'm going to leave the guilt for the guilty.

Cos someone in this room has done nothing wrong!

Ah. Looks like it has to be one of us.

Any volunteers?

Or we could do nominations?

Ah, well in that case...

Oooh. Mm!

I like it. Homely. Really homely.

Oh, I think these might be the owners.

Oh-ho, she did all right!

What are you doing?

You can't go lying down, you've got relaxing to do.

Do you hear yourself?

We have a list. Your list.

And we've just lost 45 minutes going nowhere.

Well, if it's my list, I'm adding lying down.

OK, OK. But it's already 10.30, so we can't just go adding...

You know what? It's fine. Er...

If we combine it with "listening to some music,"

then I think I can make it work.

Deal.

OK, so I just add that on,

cross it off,

and we're back on track. Almost.

Right. See you in 30.

Where are you going? Shop. We need ingredients.

Ingredients for what?

Whatever you want. It's your day.

Oh. OK, so could we get...?

No time. Text me.

No, no...

Er...

You've got the most to apologise for.

Tadadadadadada! Tadadadadadada!

Chacachac, clink, clink, clink...

Now...

Yeah. I did not for a moment want to bring out

the Bren Mark 1 light machinegun

in such an enclosed space, but you forced my hand.

Is he having a breakdown? Very hard to tell.

This bickering is futile.

If nobody wants to take on this mission,

then, as ranking officer, I shall step up to the plate

and issue an apology on behalf of the entire unit.

My command experience has taught me

a thing or two about effective communication

you have to be direct, concise and to the point.

Apologies.

Not accepted. Understood.

She can't be reasoned with. Nothing to be done.

We shall just have to avoid her until she dies.

Probably longer.

Yes, well, whilst I'm sure you mined every ounce

of your natural warmth, do you think

you could take us through your key messaging?

What? Yeah, thought so.

You see, you can't just go around

shouting orders at people any more.

He's got a point. Silence.

Communication's become much more nuanced

in this modern age of car phones and pagers.

But, luckily,

you're looking at one of history's

greatest communicators,

the brains behind some of

the most memorable political slogans

of the 20th century. Erm...

"Family, family, family." Yours truly.

As was..."Better for Britain."

"I'm in. Are you?"

And of course... "A dog's just for Christmas."

I think it was..."A dog's not just for Christmas."

No. One year, there was a surplus.

Must have been the heat. Oh, surely not him.

Yep, that was another one. Election '83.

OK, then.

I now declare this meeting of Being In The Right Club

officially open.

What's that?

Oh, no, it's just, erm,

just us today, Flo.

Just us.

No. Yeah.

Yes?

We're closer...

together.

What?

We're closer... Yeah?

Together. Mm-hm.

Than what? Oh, come on!

This is very clear messaging. How are you not getting this?

We - you and us - are closer you know, rubbing along,

despite your over-sensitivity,

together -

ie, not off moping in our rooms about,

I don't know, whatever petty grievance it is

that's got you in such a tizz.

So let's admit mistakes were made on both sides

and hope that tomorrow

you get out of the bed the right side.

Because the fact is...

we are closer...

together.

Go away.

Now, that's clear messaging.

Did you forget your keys?

No, no, I'm still at the shop. Ingredients crisis.

There's chicken, but no breadcrumbs, so Milanese is off.

Er, I can do salmon if you can live without lemon.

Do they have broccoli? Normal, not purple,

but I could switch for asparagus if...

Without lemon? I wasn't thinking. OK.

Yeah. Let's bring back the chicken. We'll go peri peri.

Do they have paprika? Er, normal, not smoky.

OK, OK. Let's make it satay.

Which aisle is peanuts?

Just get peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy? Just get both.

But that's back with jams. I haven't got time. Just leave it. Get out.

I'm coming out. Go! Go!

Any joy?

Well, you know, er,

how does one define success?

Messed it up.

I suppose Elton John was right.

Sorry does seem to be the hardest word.

No. Hardest word is "apolocathry."

Ap...

Hang on. Maybe Elton John had a point.

If it's too hard to say it, could we sing it?

Hey. Still relaxing? All relaxed?

Where have you been?

Yeah. Well, turns out that if you run out

of a supermarket still holding a pack of stock cubes,

security want to have a little word with you.

Oh, God. Yeah, no, it's fine.

I, er.. I made this great joke about pinching their stock,

and we're basically mates now. He loved it.

Yeah? Yeah. Whoa, OK.

Er, there's no time to cook and we have nothing to cook,

so I thought we can order something in.

Like... pizza? What's faster than pizza?

Pizza's fine. Yeah?

Yeah. OK, great.

Well, you order the pizza,

and I will dig out the picnic set. Pizza picnic?

Yeah.

Well, you wanted a picnic, so you're having a picnic.

Aw.

I think it may be... carpet picnic.

Good call. All right.

You just keep relaxing.

OK. Er... OK.

But order a pizza! Oh, all righty!

But lyrics are a form of poetry,

and mastery of the English language is my...

thing. Yeah, I know.

It's just that you can be a little maudlin, mate,

and I think it should be something upbeat,

like, have you heard of Ging Gang Goolie?

The disease?

What?

No. As in like, you know, "Ging Gang Goolie gotcha."

It most certainly did not!

Although I hear Byron had a terrible case.

Wha...? Look, clearly neither of you

are exactly Cole Porter. Who?

My Heart Belongs To Daddy?

Philistines. My point is, perhaps you should look

to a more skilled songsmith for your inspiration.

I mean, how does John Elton compose?

Oh, for the last time, it's not Elton, comma, John.

It's Elton John! And he has a co-writer.

Bernie does the words, and Elt does the music.

Ah! Music's being taken care of,

thank you very much.

OK. Sure my note was in there somewhere.

No, no. I want no part in this embarrassing spectacle,

this circus of contrition!

Oooh! That's a good name for the band.

Cool name. Yeah.

Apoloclubby.

Apothecary.

Apottecaty.

Apothecary. Apoppercappy.

Just say chemist. No, no, no.

Come on. Come on. Ugh.

Apothecary.

Apolicecathery.

No, no...

No point wailing 'bout it. You made your beds.

Perhaps you'll think 'bout your actions from this day hence.

Justice is a fickle wench,

but 'pon this occasion

fairly served,

for 'tis heartening indeed

to feel not a licking flame,

but the warmth of a righteous sun.

I think things are clearing up a bit, Flo.

No. I don't want a refund, I want our pizza.

What do you mean,

you can't find the house? It's the only house.

If you're within three miles and there's a building, that's us.

Hello? Hello?

OK, slight change of plan.

Today's picnic will be courtesy

of the little shop at the garage.

But they only do crisps. They do more than crisps.

All right, I'll be back in ten.

Er...

15.

Relax! Yep.

A... A...

poth... poth...

ecary... ecary. Apothecary. Apothgagary.

Which is it? Which is it?

It's all one thing - R&B.

Like S&M.

What's S&M? Ah, well...

More electronic, I think. A lot of fun, a bit naughty.

Is it a firm no to country? I think it should be

pop music. Country is pop.

Hey. Hey!

Order! Orderrrr!

Thank goodness.

I don't think I had a grenade-launcher in me.

All this petty squabbling.

God knows how they pulled off Band Aid.

Ah, now, there's only one way to pull off a Band-Aid -

smooth, quick motion against the grain of the hairs.

No, no, Band Aid. Christmas '84.

Or were you already, er...?

I was dead. Yes, I had passed.

Blimey. You really did go too soon.

No, Band Aid was a charity single,

featuring all the top pop acts of the day.

Like S Club.

Er, more like Culture Club. Yeah. Was number one for ages.

What, and they all just mucked in?

Like, sung it together?

Yeah. They all kind of did a little bit each, you know.

Have you tried a cheese and onion one

with a roast beef one?

Tastes like a pasty.

I think I've tried all the combinations now.

Any luck with the bath? Nearly there.

Water pressure is a joke. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't need to be deep.

I'll just sink anyway. I'm mostly potato now.

Mm, delicious. In that case, your bath is drawn, m'lady.

Oh, wow. You know those are for sharing, right?

Too late.

It's not quite a day spa, but...

No, it's perfect.

You're the best.

I am the best.

Right, get in. We've got 34 minutes if you want to make the cinema.

Go, go, go.

Oooh...

Oh. Wine. Er, one sec.

Yeah, and Robin, Captain and then Kitty to end.

Should I not...? Kitty to end.

OK?

OK, here we go.

A-one. A-two. A-one, two, three...

OK. A-one, a-two. A-one, two, thr...

In a-one...

Got it.

Now, I know today hasn't been entirely plain sailing so far,

but I am about to turn it around.

Because, tonight, we are dining

at the French place.

Mm-hm! Mm!

Ooh la la! Ooh la...

Let me just give them a call

and check that they've got a table.

Actually, I should've done that first.

Er...

Bonjour.

Er, I am just wondering if you have a table tonight

for two, around eight-ish?

You can squeeze us in?

Yes! Wonderful.

Merci. Yes, the name is, erm...

Argh! Phone. No.

Oh! Wine! Waah!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Fine. You shower off, I'll call 'em back.

Oh, it's in my hair! Where's your phone?

Oh, it's on the be...

Oh! Oh! What now?

No more hot!

Argh!

Oh, hello? Yes, we were just on the phone...

No, no, no, that's just my wife screaming.

I was just talking to you earlier about a table

when we got... You're kidding me! It was like one minute ago.

Fine, but you're telling my wife.

Hello? Hello?

Table's gone.

Yeah? Yeah.

You have to listen to what I am doing.

I mean, come on.

One is reminded of Battersea Dogs Home.

Really? Was there a fire?

Perfick.

Hardly! You were nowhere near my note.

Yeah. I think maybe piano need tuning.

Yeah, so, you know, we might need to tweak the end.

But, overall, I think that went pretty well.

You know? I mean,

some parts were better than others.

But with a bit of polish,

well, it would be a cold heart not to be won over

by the sentiment.

Well, it did nothing for me.

Right, then, once more from the top?

We're probably going to have to burn the towels, but, erm...

No, no, no, no.

What? No cleaning. Day off.

Well, we missed the cinema, so I thought...

No. This is the cinema. Your own private cinema.

The AlisOdeon.

The AlisCineworld?

Oh, yeah. The Alis...

No, there's no more. All right. Come on,

the feature presentation is about to begin.

Hooray. OK.

What is it?

I think I found the perfect chill-out movie.

It's only 90 minutes long

and it could not sound more relaxing.

A Quiet Place.

Ooh.

Well, that is the most traumatic thing

I will see today.

Alison, we've written you a song!

Here we go.

I may have spoken too soon.

What?

Oh, front row!

Right.

No, no...

What are they doing?

Er, I'm looking at it, and I don't know.

This is not in the tone of the piece.

Skip to the end.

Now, Kitty! I can't.

Oh!

Apothecary.

Apologies.

Oh, you know, what he say.

At the end of the day, you know, sorry.

That felt weird. You have no idea.

Yeah, well, it was a little rough around the edges.

And further apologies for the middle eight...

Yeah. She liked it!

But, you know, you get the idea.

We really are very sorry, Alison.

Sorry for what?

Well, for, er, what happened, erm...

earlier.

What did happen earlier?

Why... Why was I upset?

No, no, no!

It's no one thing, or one person.

And it's not just today.

It's that, every day, we are breaking our backs

to make this guest-house work,

and I'm already waiting on eight people.

Nine. Every day,

it's "Turn that page,"

"Oh, it's time for my programme,"

or, "Google this horse,"

and without even a word of thanks.

No, I don't want an apology.

And I don't want some big song and dance.

I just want, like, a little bit of thought

and a little bit of help.

Yes, of course you can't help,

but do you really have to not help

24 hours a day?

I think that might be

the second most we've ever been told off.

Yeah.

I think you guys should probably go.

OK. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say

it's possible that you're still a little bit stressed. Hmm?

Sorry.

I know you really tried.

Not hard enough, though.

What?

You did everything. I...

Give me the list.

That's what I want to do today.

We can squeeze that in. Yeah? Yeah.

Best bit of the day.

Mmm.

Oh.

Someone's posted a new review.

Any good?

Yeah. Amazing.

But we don't have any guests.

Better?

Still a bit crampy around the knuckle.

I've been on it ten minutes. Hey.

You?

Ah.

Just the typing.

We all composed a bit.

And helped to edit Thomas's.

But she is a radiant beauty. Is off topic!

That is really, really lovely, guys.

But you have to delete it. It's like cheating or...

Nonsense.

We are guests in your house every day.

And you are the most incredible hosts.

Yes. Every word's the truth.

"We never wanted to leave."

Bit of luck, eh?

Thanks, guys.

Friends?

Friends.

Aw!

You see? We're closer... together.

Yeah. It sounds better now that you...

What?!

But they be in the wrongs, Al'son.

Where be the punishment? Where be the trial?

Oh, no. Oh, no, Mary, we've...

We've made up.

FLAMES CRACKLE Made up?

But... But I was...

Have you forgottens?

Now, you listen to me, Alison Coopers!

I think that might be the most I've ever been told off.

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