Original subtitles

Hurry up we don't want to be late. For the first day of school!

Who are you? You don't even like school.

Oh, no, I do, now that I am Bridget Hennessy,

student body president.

Which one says "I am a leader of power and integrity"

the blue thong or the gray?

I don't care what thong you wear!

You know, that kind of apathy

is so typical of your generation.

[Sighs]

Okay, I have a problem, and I need your advice.

Your president is here for you.

Okay, here's the thing.

I-I-I changed in Europe this summer.

I mean, I grew up, and it made me realize

that I have to break up with Kyle and I have to do it today.

Why are you nodding like that?

My listening face. I learned it over the summer in Washington.

I have to break up with Kyle today!

What?! Why didn't you tell me?! What happened?!

Well, I met this awesome guy in Paris,

and I don't know what's gonna happen with him,

but I do know that I shouldn't be with Kyle anymore.

Stop it! All right!

I mean, I don't know how to do this.

I've never broken up with anyone before.

Do what I do. It's worked for me a billion times.

Just tell Kyle someone better will come along.

And in your case, it'll even be true.

Wow. You're all dolled up.

Where are you headed, thurston?

I'm going downtown to have breakfast with an old friend.

We're meeting at his private club.

Ohhh. Is that what they call the mission these days?

Ah, hey, there's our new high school freshman.

Big step. You scared?

No.

Well, you should be.

A lot of upperclassmen

are gonna want to beat the hell out of you.

What are you telling him?

He's got to know.

You'll be fine.

He's a dead man.

[Sighs] I'm sorry I'm late.

Boy, these night shifts are killing me.

Oh, are you kidding? You look fantastic.

A cadaver in scrubs.

Girls, come on! First day of school!

Let's not be late!

You're gonna wear that?

I thought it was cute.

Too cute. You can't break up with Kyle in those pants.

Why not? 'Cause you look too good.

It won't take.

Why don't you wear your hideous black pants

with the gold rings down the sides.

You said they look great on me.

I'm a politician. I say a lot of things I don't mean.

Catie, that principal Gibb called.

He wants to see you.

They're not even in school yet. Who could be in trouble?

Maybe he just wants another date.

Mmm!

We never dated.

I am not romantically involved with ed Gibb.

Or any of the Gibb brothers.

Mom, have you seen my black pants?

They're missing.

Uh, honey, maybe that's for the best.

You said you liked them.

I'm a mom. I say a lot of things I don't mean.

I think they're in the laundry. I'll get to them later.

You're doing the laundry now? Eww.

I'm helping out your mother while she's working nights.

Unless, of course, you want to take over.

Eww!

Yeah.

Well, I got to get downtown.

Oh, yeah, we got to go, too. Everybody -in the car.

Mom...are any seniors gonna beat me up today?

Oh, no, honey. You'll be fine.

That's another one of those things moms say.

If you want, I'll drive him.

No, that's okay. I actually want to catch up with him.

I miss him so much.

Ooh, you must be so excited to see Kyle.

Um, by the way, Mr. Laundry man, I can't find my red thong.

I thought that was a handkerchief.

Oh, dear God!

Where's mom?

We're safe. She's at the end of the hall.

At least she was cool enough not to walk with us.

Bye, girls! Have a great first day!

Uh, what's that?

Oh, god. I bet it's from Kyle.

Give it to me. What are you doing?

Your mission is to break up with Kyle today.

You don't need any distractions.

Do you know what you're gonna say?

I don't know. I've never done this before.

Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy.

"I'm only 17 - you'll go to jail"?

No.

You say very sweetly "It's not me. It's you."

No, no. Don't you mean "It's not you. It's me"?

Please. It's never me.

[Laughter]

All right, man.

All right, man.

Later, dude.

Hey.

I can't get my locker open.

Freshmen.

It's not gonna pick itself up.

Here you go, big guy. Anytime. It's all good.

Love the hat.

Isn't that nice, Rory.

First day of school, you already made a new friend.

And you were so nervous.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hi, Ed. You wanted to see me?

Yes, come in.

I'm not in trouble, am I?

Not unless you're chewing gum.

[Chuckles nervously]

You look terrific.

Well, thanks. So do you.

Have you been working out?

In a manner of speaking.

I raise watermelons, and, uh...

Well, somebody has to bring them inside.

Please, sit down.

So, uh, how was your summer?

It was good. It was really good.

The kids were gone.

Actually, it was the first time I was alone.

I redecorated my room.

I got a new bed. Hmm.

I don't know why I mentioned that.

Well, probably because, uh, you got a new bed.

[Laughs]

Maybe we should just get off my bed.

Oh, God.

Look, uh, Cate, this is a little awkward for both of us,

but, uh, I want you to know it doesn't have to be.

I'm really okay with the fact

you weren't ready to go out with me.

We're both adults, and we can handle it.

[Sighs] Thanks, Ed.

That was exactly what I needed to hear.

And so well put.

Thank you. My therapist wrote it.

[Laughs]

Anyway, that's not

what I wanted to talk to you about.

Um, our school nurse is retiring,

and I'd like for you to think about taking her job.

Wow.

Seriously?

I ask you this because, first, you're a nurse

and, secondly, you're exactly her size,

so we won't have to buy new smocks.

Well, I-I don't know -

okay, we'll buy new smocks.

Boy, you drive a hard bargain.

Think about it, Cate. It could be wonderful.

The hours are great,

and you'd get to spend more time with your kids.

Ooh. That's tempting.

I feel like I'm missing everything

that's going on with them.

I could sweeten the deal

with about 800 pounds of watermelon.

I'm gonna think about it.

Thanks, ed.

-Bye. -Bye.

They're...seedless.

Just...

Okay, what's next?

Well, Bridg -

Uh! 'Madame president'

Some of the students are complaining

that they have to park too far from school.

That's because all the teachers get the good spots.

We're more important. We're the future.

They're teachers. They have no future.

So what should we do?

Uh, valet parking for seniors,

and the driver's ed class can park the cars!

Is there any problem that you can't solve?

Algebra, page 20, problem 6. Do it for me.

[Laughter]

Please don't see me, please don't see me,

please don't see me.

[Laughter continues]

Hey! Looks like we're showering with the girls today!

[Laughter]

[Shower water running]

Hey, Kerry! How did Kyle take the breakup?

I didn't do it. I've been avoiding him all day.

Kerry! I just don't want to hurt him.

He's gonna be hurt no matter what.

Oh, my God. There he is.

Hey, you're not going anywhe--

Hey; Nice top.

You said you hated it.

You cannot believe a word I say.

Except for this -

The longer you wait, the harder this is gonna be.

I know, I know.

You have to do this. He's coming.

Okay, I can do this.

Uh, I -

Oh!

Hey!

Didn't I just see Kerry?

She was here a second ago.

So principal Gibb wants you to be his naughty school nurse.

Are you gonna do it?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I would see the kids more.

Ooh, mom at school - every teenager's dream.

You know what, grandpa?

Maybe you could be a crossing guard,

I'll teach rugby.

We'll be a ragtag team of misfit schoolpeople.

Oh, hi, honey.

How was your first day at school?

Whoa! What is that smell?

Are you composting in there?

Very funny.

I thought Kerry was the one that went to France.

I didn't have time to shower after gym.

So you rolled around in horse crap?

Uh, look, I got to go to work.

Lucky you.

So you go upstairs and take a shower.

You burn his clothes.

Bye, mom.

Oh, you disgust me. But I love you.

All right, 'Pig-pen'. Spill it.

What?

They always give you time to shower. What's going on?

Well, I was at school today -

wait a second. Here -hold this.

Step back a little bit.

Come on. It's not that bad.

When it was time to take a shower -

maybe one more back.

There were all these seniors just staring at me -

this is gonna have to wait till tomorrow.

No, no, no, no! Hey, come back here!

Just talk fast, Rory.

I couldn't take a shower. I just couldn't do it.

All these seniors came in

hairy seniors... With hair...

Everywhere.

Right, and you're...

Not hairy -anywhere.

The family curse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What curse?

Uh, the men in our family

take a little more time

to grow, uh, grass in the infield.

Ironically, the women grow beards early.

Yeah.

I just can't stop thinking

about what I'm gonna look like

next to those guys in the shower.

Don't worry. Just do what I did.

I'm doomed!

Let me tell you how I handled it.

I walked in there like I owned the place,

head held high, proud of the body god gave me.

And that worked?

Absolutely.

Now go hose off.

You remember the beatings?

It never goes away.

C.J.?

C.J.!

Okay, your black pants aren't in the laundry. I lied.

Truth is, I was on a date last night,

and I spilled a bowl of clams on her.

She was wearing black pants, so I gave her yours.

It's not about the pants.

Good, 'cause I don't think I'll be seeing her again.

I wanted to know if mom was home. I need to talk to her.

Well, wait. Talk to me.

I'm more than just a 'washerwoman'.

Okay, what kind of things might a girl say to a guy

if she wants to end a romance?

Mmm...

"I'd rather French-kiss a car battery."

"I'm going back to men."

"That'll cost you an extra $100."

So, girls have actually said those things to you?

No.

No. No. I'm just spitballing.

Well, how can I do it without hurting him?

You can't. You have to stay with this guy forever.

What?

I don't care if his touch repulses you.

I don't care if you're seeing other men.

You stay with him forever.

But even if I -

Forever.

Well, what if I -

I'm talking "Forever"!

You gave my pants away?

Forever! Forever!

He's useless,

but he does iron a good t-shirt.

Hey, grandpa.

Kiddo, I don't know if this will help with the Kyle business,

but I, uh...

I found something you might be able to use.

What is it?

It's a "Dear John" letter I got in Korea.

Well, do you really think your old "Dear John" letter

is gonna help me break up with Kyle?

Well, I wouldn't use any of the Eisenhower references,

but, uh, you said you wanted to spare his feelings.

This spared mine.

Dear Jim, I'm writing you

from my grandmother's front porch.

All I see are acres of sunflowers.

They remind me of you - tall and strong and handsome,

making people smile.

You're a good man, Jim, but I've met someone else.

Like the sunflower, I think we've had our season.

I'm sorry if I disappointed you,

but thank you for making me more

than I ever thought I could be.

Always -Betsy.

That's so romantic.

Yeah.

You really loved her, didn't you?

Mm-hmm.

And this... Softened the blow.

Thanks.

Tramp!

Hey, Bridget! -Oh, Hi Kyle

Do you know if Kerry got the card I left this morning?

She hasn't talked to you?

About what?

[Sighs]

Kyle, look...

You shouldn't hang all your happiness on one person.

I hear that.

Um...Kyle, Kyle...

There's no easy way to say this,

but I am president now, and the buck stops here,

as does your relationship with Kerry.

What?

Kyle, Kerry can't do this on her own,

so I'm doing it for her.

You guys are...over.

Hey, but on the bright side,

we are gonna have valet parking very soon.

Well, little sister, I've got good news.

Me too.

I figured out why I've been having so much trouble

breaking up with Kyle - it's because I don't want to.

So I'm not going to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I know this sounds crazy, but I read the letter again,

and it's incredibly romantic.

He made me remember how sweet he is.

What's your good news?

Principal Gibb is giving out free watermelon!

They're seedless!

So, your good news is

principal Gibb is giving away free watermelon?

You don't even like watermelon.

T-the seeds. I hate the seeds.

These are seed_less.

[Chuckling] Okay. Whatever.

I'm gonna call Kyle and apologize.

I'm saying every bite -not a seed!

Okay, what is going on?

Well, you know, I just...

Kyle may, sort of, kind of...

Little bit be under the impression

that you already broke up with him.

And how did he get that impression?

I kind of, um... Kind of mentioned it to him.

And how did you do that?

I broke up with him.

What?! For you!

You're welcome! [Scoffs]

You broke up with my boyfriend.

This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!

No, no, it's not.

Remember -for seven years, I thought potatoes could talk.

Is Kerry here?

I haven't seen her all day, and I need to talk to her.

She hasn't talked to you yet?

No. She's been avoiding me.

I got to help you out, you poor sap. Have a seat.

You don't have to do this. I already know.

Okay. In her defense,

she never meant to fall in love with this guy.

There's a guy?!

I'll go get her.

Hey, Kerry, uh, listen, Kyle's downstairs to see you,

and he's, uh, steamed about something.

I got to go downstairs and straighten this out.

I got to tell you something else, and I'm not proud of it.

You're wearing my pants.

Those are my pants.

All right! I like the way they fit, okay?

Now, on another note, I told Kyle about the guy in Europe.

What?! He grilled me!

Ah, there's the dryer. I got to go.

God! This family is out of control!

What am I gonna say to Kyle?

I'll fix it.

You have done enough.

I'm sorry, okay? I really am.

I guess I just didn't realize how much you loved Kyle.

You do love him, right?

So, like the sunflower that has its season,

an early frost has knocked the hell out of you and Kerry.

Or something like that.

Kyle, we need to talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I got it!

Wait!

I'm sorry, Kerry, but someone had to tell him.

Hey, hey, hey! The girly-boy's back!

It's not "Girly-boy."

My name is Rory Hennessy -freshman.

What?

Or girly-boy. Whatever you like.

No, you said "Hennessy." Are you Bridget's brother?

Can't you see the family resemblance? Heh heh.

Don't hurt me.

Can you tell her I think she's really hot?

Sure. Sure. No problem.

So, what -you on the swim team or something?

It's not gonna pick itself up.

I should have told you myself.

It just never occurred to me

that my whole family would break up with you before I did.

[Scoffs] Yeah.

I even had a few phone calls from Rory last night.

But I didn't call him back.

I'm sorry.

You were always so great to me, and you're such a sweetheart.

I just want you to know it had nothing to do with the guy.

Europe changed me.

[Sighs]

Please don't hate me.

I don't hate you.

I hate Europe.

The whole country.

I'll never forget you.

I'll never forget you either.

So, I guess this is goodbye.

I guess.

[Bell rings]

This would work a lot better

if we didn't have 4 classes together.

C.J., The roast is in the oven.

Dad, help them with their homework.

And make sure they get to bed on time.

How much longer are you gonna work on this night shift?

[Sighs] I don't know.

But that job at school is looking better and better.

You know -normal hours, my own office.

There's even a rumor they're gonna have valet parking.

Hey.

Hi, gang.

All right, I got two seconds. Catch me up.

Kyle wrote me a romantic note.

Then I broke up with him, and then I did.

And I made a friend in the shower.

Don't worry. We're on top of it.

Except the friend in the shower.

We'll look into that.

---oOo---