Original subtitles

Now there was a soft regret, never thought to fail

Now there was a soft regret, spent an eye in jail

Swinging thoughts for women, is just a beginning

You haven't seen anything yet

Oh now there was a soft regret

Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Morning!

Oh, we've a thank goodness

I'm very anxious to catch the 11-0 free train

But it's 9 o'clock

I'm cutting it fine, I know

No, no, no time, leave it on, leave it on

Where's Master Thomas?

This is the kitchen

Thomas!

I got some clothes for his workshade runkards

I think you mean

The destitute dips a maniacal men of the workhouse

that Thomas is charitably endeavouring to clove

Yes, those

Thomas!

I got some bits for your no-hopers

Wonderful, Mrs Moore

Those poor witches forced by circumstance

to huddle against the elements who surely be truly grateful for your generous donation

There

Keep those gypsome and eyeicles little tutsies warm

Thank you

Actually, I just remembered where the other one is to that pair

Very good

Thank you, if you're... sock

I shall put it with the other things

I've also brought some essential ladies travelling items Margaret for our trip to London

I got a nice little cushion, a footstool, a seat cover

In case the boy flees

Got some spare hats and gloves and

Oh no, where is my special going to London umbrella?

Right, I have to go back and get it

No, no, no time

Are we ready for London?

Ah, isn't it?

Keep it on, keep it on

I'm anxious to attend the great Japanese exhibition in White City

To see if the Emperor Magy's wax effigy is as impressive as the man himself

I met him in 72

He saluted me with his ceremonial sword

Well, perhaps after our suffrage business

Oh, yes, I've forgotten about this

That is the purpose of our trip, Myrtle

Are there is our travel provision?

Yes, I'm afraid you're going to have to make do with a little picnic

I've made myself, I'm afraid Gwen is not with us today

What have you made?

Flask of tea, treacle loaf, beetroot egg and fish paste sandwiches made with my unleavened salt bread

That's not food, that's punishment

Where is Gwen?

Oh, she's visiting a clairvoyant in Oxford

She's very anxious to find out where her father put the key to the privy

But hasn't he gone to the other side?

Yes, yes, hence the clairvoyant

Her mother's worsening rheumitis means she simply cannot continue to crouch

To use the, um, the oven?

No, the bucket

Oh, hello Emily

No, I've lost my daddy's clothes for Thomas

Well done you, he's in the kitchen

And can you hurry him along? We've only got one hour, 52 minutes before our train leaves

Morning ladies

Morning Frank

Oh, is that your bicycle, Frank?

Yes

Smart two wheeler

Which is my pride and joy

She?

I call her Lady Agatha

I once knew about Call Lady Agatha

I said you'll forgive us Frank, we are on a state of urgent and readiness for our imminent departure

Team Ertle

Well, you'll find Bambry all the buzz with the big news

News?

The police have foiled another attack by the Bambry Free Suffragette Army

The BFSA

Oh, what are they show off up to now?

They were seen loitering at the station, hackless and smoking cigarettes

Hatless?

Oh, yes, smoking a cigarette while not wearing a hat can hardly be considered an attack

Oh no, they were overheard discussing a plan to catch the train, carrying Winston Churchill

To present him with an incendiary pie set to go off in his face

Goldies?

Seven

The ladies were arrested and the pie was taken to the quarry and exploded from a distance

Imagine that?

I wonder what sort of pie it was

Yes, I assume it was a fruit-based pie as the boiling point of Jan is 275 degrees Fahrenheit

And the flaky pastry would have acted as pie crust shrapnel, yes, terrifying

What?

What I couldn't fathom is why suffragettes would want to attack such a fine gentleman

A poor war hero

Because he is vehemently opposed to female suffrage

I see

Who is Winston Churchill?

He's the home secretary, Eva

Well, perhaps he should have stayed at home then

Yes, very good, Eva

I knew Winston's mother, Lady Randy

Wonderful woman, so generous with her husband's

Oh, Miss Emily, those put upon a vagabondes would be most grateful

I brought shirts, collars, a tweed suit, two pairs of plus-fours and some obsolete sock suspenders

And Rachel have the smartest and fortune in the shire

Isn't it curious how we trust ourselves up?

Yes, quite

Do you suspend your socks, Thomas?

I confess I do, am I too terribly decadent?

No

No, there is nothing more distracting than the sensation of a stocking being pulled slowly down an unsuspended leg

I'm here, I'm here

Oh, hello Helen, I'm glad you decided to come with us

Don't be, I haven't

Where is Emily?

In the kitchen, with Thomas

Emily, put down your father's suspenders and come out at once

What are you doing?

Thomas is clothing the unfortunate because he is brave and kind

Oh, is he?

Well, since you undertook to strip your father's entire closet bare

Lawrence was forced to attend the annual general meeting of ball-badding manufacturers in a sports jacket

There are men in Bambi who have never even owned a sock, let alone a sports jacket

This is not a discussion, come out of this kitchen at once

I shan't

Then you shan't join Margaret's point as John to London

It's hardly a joint, Helen

The Bambi intricate craft circle, polite requests, women's suffrage

No Emily, don't sit, no time

A security appointment at the London office of the official righteous union of male patriarchy

And then we're going to the shops

You are meeting with Trump

No, we are meeting with...

Trump?

That's what I said, T.O.R.U.M.P.

Trump?

No, you said Trump?

I am well aware of what I said, Margaret

And I am well aware of the T.O.R.U.M.P.

Trump?

Lawrence and I are supporters of the society and of its leader, Sibismuth Alba-Mole

Yes, I am looking forward to my suffrage presentation

And a heated intellectual exchange with Sibismuth

When we take tea with him at four o'clock this afternoon, which is in...

Oh goodness, only six hours time

Wait, you are taking tea with Sibismuth Alba-Mole

The great physician and thinker

The lady hater and anti-suffrage campaigner

Yes, I simply adore Sibismuth's work

Lawrence and I quote to each other from the unexpregated case against female suffrage

Indeed, I'm currently reading his latest collected essays

No, as am I

Do you mean this drivel?

Tis pitish, she's a woman

A study on the limitations and reverberations of a hysterical female physiognomy

Why women are incapable of mental reason

Of course they're capable

But are they though?

No, they are not

And I quote, why not let women vote or make any significant decisions?

The answer is simple

Due to the phenomenon of the detached familia, which wander in eddy and illogical

Amongst the muddled organs of the female internum, it is my empirical medical conclusion

That all women are mad and stupid

Does that include you, Helen?

I cannot tell them why you would heed such nonsense

You a woman neither mad nor stupid

Thank you Margaret

But I find that by accepting the natural order of things

I garner a piece of mind and strength

Which eludes those women hell-bent on asserting their rights and freedom

How can anyone have a piece of mind in a society that continually and openly asserts her inferiority?

Well, why don't you come with us and meet this biz was after, Moth?

Seen as you like him so much?

Please, no

Well, I like to test spontaneity of any kind

I know certainly will come

No, don't sit, there's no time

Ooh, perhaps I can persuade him to sign my copy of his diatribe against women

Yes, well, I'm very glad you've decided to join us

We are leaving now for the 1103, come along everybody

Because of a 10 minute journey to the station is going to take us two hours

Ladies, do you intend to travel by train?

No

Camel

Yes Frank, I know it's early

But we must be prepared for any unforeseen delays

What about for scene delays?

Only on account of the BFSAs in Sen. Pi plot

Bamboree station has been closed to all people of the woman kind

All women are banned from Bamboree station?

Yes

Does that mean us?

Yes

Yes

Oh well, we should just go from King Sutton station instead

It is rather far, approximately five miles

Yes and begging your pardon

The police are on the lookout for suspiciously suffragetti gaggles of women

Oh, I'm so sorry everybody, what a disappointment

I won't be able to get my essential fritries now

Oh, I'll never see the Emperor's weapon again

Perhaps we could take Frank's bike

Will we all fit?

No

But Margaret, you could take Frank's bike and go on behalf of all of us to crush our business

Yes, Tate Lady Agatha

Everyone else, hell

May I borrow your iron steed, Frank?

I will be most distraught should anything happen

Don't worry Frank, I'll be perfectly fine

No, I was thinking of my bicycle

Oh, that's it, well, I will cherish her, I promise

Are you sure it's fitting for a woman of your standing to bicycle?

Oh, it's 1910, Frank

I've only been wheeling about for years

Yes, but you have no cycling knickers

What if a breeze were to...

Yes?

Nothing, no

Please Frank

The future of the female suffrage movement could be in yours and Lady Agatha's hands

Very well

Thank you

The B-I-C-C-P-R-W-S and the women of Britain are in your debt

Margaret, I hate to ask you this

Oh no, don't worry Helen, ask away

Oh, I'm not worried, I genuinely hate to ask you

Would you be so kind as to take my book to be signed by subismuth?

There is, well...

Ask him to make it out to Mrs. Butte, a woman thrilled for her husband's hand to be upper

If I must

Well, sure you know how it all works

Oh yes, Frank, I recently attended a lecture on gyroscopes at the Royal Locomation Society

There was a fascinating side on bicycles

The diaphragmatic force of the front wheel, its mass and spontaneous turn of the handlebars

All act together to keep the bicycle rolling forwards, do you say it's very simple?

Yes, but have you ever actually ridden a bicycle?

No, but really Frank, how hard can it be?

Well, that's the end of that adventure

Don't know, when one is thrown from a horse, one must pass a beer

And leap straight back in the saddle

Once again, we are thwarted

Once again, women are barred from the world

Do you call those anyone?

No, thank you

Don't feel too inadequate ineffectual and hopeless Margaret

I don't?

Oh, perhaps you should

Subismuth explains quite clearly that women are not physionomically capable of hand pedal coordination

You pedal with your feet, Helen, not your hands

You do if you can ride a bike

Face it, Margaret, it is pity you're a woman

Wondering, I believe that women will move freely in an end, drogenous sexual utopia

Oh, I hope I'm dead by them

You will be mother rest assured

Right ladies, I'm off

I'm gonna take Agatha for a spin

Oh, hello Frank

Good day sir

Hello everyone, just thought I'd pop in on my way to Oxford

Oh, shriekal, loaf Margaret, delicious

Shall I be mother?

Gwen, is it it it is you?

Gwen, is it really Gwen?

Gwen, you're dressed as a man

Well spotted

Yes, I'm in my man clothes

Man clothes?

Yes, man clothes, you know, that you're where to get around the bother of being born a woman

I haven't done it, haven't we?

Gwen, we know certainly have not

Speak for yourself

What if you have to go somewhere women can't?

You don't go there, because you are a woman

I think it's splendid, have you always done it?

Well, I'd have been no good to mother, had she not been able to put me in a cloth cap and pass me off as a boy when it was needed?

Then where would you need to be a boy?

Oh, to pop down the book is when mother had a hunt, sure

Take father's place down the pit when he went do lolly chap

So I was even a merchant seaman for two days until I realized I'd have to, shh, over the side

Add to a band and ship

Well, I fell overboard

How thrilling, do you do it often?

Oh, not so much these days, but when I do it all comes flooding back

It's a bit like riding a bike

Can you ride a bike Gwen?

Oh yes, what, she's here in trousers

Right, I've got the train to catch him 15 minutes

But you'll never make it, and they've banned women from the station

Oh no!

Gwen, you are a genius

Oh, hang on, the key to the privy

Oh mother will be pleased

When you were so magnificently clever

Oh, not really, no, I should have probably checked father's mascot in the first place

You know Gwen, I've always desired the manly pleasure of facial furniture

Why did you grow some?

I've ashamed to admit that I cannot

In fact, which has caused my fellow men much consternation

Yes, it is most men's belief that without facial hair one is merely weak and feckless

Oh, that's just not true

I haven't endured such taunts

Lady Cheeks, hairless wonder

Bumface

Oh dear, I am sorry

I don't have that problem, I can give myself as much or as little whisk as I desire

I would that I could enjoy the tickle of a pencil tash

The thrill of a mutton shop, the hearty exhilaration of a box beard

Well, with a lock or two of hair, my nails isn't some rabbit glue

You can have whatever you want

Duh-wim, a van dyke

Perhaps a handlebar puff

Or even but no, did I?

A full chin garden?

Oh, Grandma, mother, I had to explain it

Doesn't it?

I must say, before my only physical concern was the girth of my fingers

But were we to permanently wear a male reach me down?

I should also have to concern myself with the chunk of my calf and the heft of my derriere

Oh, not as eager in a hundred years time when women are trouser wearing voters

We shall be evaluated on our wit, not our waist size

Imagine that

Yes, we would be admired for our opinions, not our pinnies

Today of all days, it is not our derriere's that should concern us, it's our demeanours

In order to pass undetected, we must cloak ourselves in the ways of maleness

I've invented a male name for myself

I shall be, Ernest Truhart, a brave man to near-in scientist who is allergic to tomatoes

And has hereditary ganglions like Thomas

Who will you be, Mommy?

Oh, I will be, erm, a hell-re-bute

Anti-suffragist

If you must

I shall be Charlie Moore, husband, after my husband, Charlie Moore

Emergency?

Thank you

Who are you, Be Market?

I shall be

Northcott Brusk

Novelist, thinker, inventor, likes cheese, excellent on the piano

Oh, really, Margaret?

Northcott? Sorry? Northcott?

And you, grandma?

I shall be, sir, Ozzaman, dyer, silk

Traveler, poet, artist, wonderful lover

What do you think, Master Thomas?

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir

Very convincing

You look very convincing too, Master Thomas

Yes, Mrs. Moore, I am a man

I should have had Martin Chob's mother

This moustache makes me look like a walrus

It's not the moustache

It's a very odd effect that as my alter ego, Northcott Brusk, my time-keeping anxiety seems to have completely disappeared

I don't seem to care if I relate at all now, it's very liberating

What's your nail name, Gwen?

John

Oh, my John's called John

So, ladies, few tips if you want to pass as men

First, walk as if you've got a trouser, goiter, or at least a septic upper leg

Yes, that's it, good, good, good

Now, add in the occasional pocket shuffle

Pocket shuffle, then?

Yeah, pocket shuffle

Do you know any pockets?

Oh, you can do it on the outside?

Fucking shuffle

And speak louder and deeper than everyone else

Oh, do you know what I'm saying?

Goiter, goiter, goiter, goiter

Oh, do you know what I'm saying?

Goiter, goiter, goiter

You're on your own, Eva, on your own

Who are our long arms, Charlie and Rowan

I think perhaps Charlie is a mute

What?

Anything else, Gwen?

Yes, finally, most importantly, you need a firm, manly handshake

Go, go!

Hunter's true, huh?

Hell's revealed

Sorry, it's tough

I'm in the bed, I'm fine

It's tough

A day

Gentlemen, shall we?

Yes, this is good

It's good

Follow me, and you're telling me

I'll do something

We did it, slipped through the net in our messaging line

We were fortunate that the station master was remiss in his duties

There's two of you searching under the train for suffragettes, cleaning the upper cage

They haven't realised that facial furniture would garner such aggressive attention from my fellow men

Ah, but no bother

I don't wish this train would move

We shall be late for our appointment with subismuth

Not that I care

Shh, shh, men, at-natural, me, as we are

We shall surely be discovered

It's my husband and daddy

Look, Lawrence looks ridiculous in that sports jacket

Why is this blasted train not moving?

Suffragettes on the track

Insufferable jets more than

Yes, drat in nuisances

Well, between you and me, Larry

Lawrence, little Lawrence

I'm grateful for them

I mean, my little woman has herself

A warper of a shopping spree lined up

Wanted double her pin money and hat-sti-pinned

My chap can't say no

My wife is the model of thrifters

She has no use for hats or other, prettifying fibras

Uh, I bet she could teach Eva some housekeeping tricks

I mean, I know all the dresses and the doodads are entirely for my benefit

But frankly, I'm happiest when she's dressed as God intended one

Oh, Helen and I both pay very little attention to her appearance

Really?

What else is a wife for?

No, I think I've had less as a wife and more as a colleague

Yes, well, we will have our own ways of keeping our ladies in line

My little pudding is never more placid

than when she's in the family way, which is all the time

How many of you got now?

Well, why? Oh, just the one

Oh, she's just...

No, I lost count of the litter when she popped out number 14

14?

You almost got enough for a rugged team

No, sadly not old man

Just the one boy

Tiny John

Well, it's a good thing to do

There's so many fillies in the paddock

Helen and I drew the line at two

One of each

We both agreed we had no use for further progeny

The boy will be a captain of industry, of course

And dear Emily could have any man she chooses

But she's got herself all pie-eyed about some pimply poodle faker

And what's he like?

No, never met him

Still, more than one daughter, Superflus

Okay, so lucky

I got a merry off 13 of them

Now that's Superflus

What does Superflus mean?

Well, I could also bismuth Alpwal

Says, where would we be without our precious mad

Stupid little women

Much richer

Hello?

How long we met?

Well, you and Harrow

Do you cricket?

Pipes are sighted?

Henley?

Rawlin closure?

Play pigeon chute?

Come on man!

Can I call you tongue?

I'm a mirror

I'm a mirror

Wait a minute?

I've got it

We we came to the Fitzsimmons last season, didn't we?

When they pour champagne into the lake

We will swam in the naughty, I remember that

Oh, Charles, okay

There's something very strange going on, Helen

Everything

You, sir

Is that a false beard?

Are you posing as a gentleman?

No, sir

I am a gentleman, as are we all?

A gentleman in this full carriage?

A gentleman?

Yes, sir

Then why are you in disguise?

No gentleman I know would dream of deceiving his fellow gentlemen

By simulating facial bushiness

Out with it, bum face?

It's not clogging on the boy

It's not his faulty cart grow a beard, it's got intended

No, steady on laddie

Ah, no, I'm no laddie

I'm a man

Now do you want to see yourself out before you insult any more of these good gentlemen?

And I do so much, I'll regret

Yes, well, perhaps we should seat ourselves

Elsewhere, come, Charles?

Yes

Keep him out on that range you want, we're going to make a swing out

Thank you, Quinn

John?

John, thank you, John

I wonder why you're swimming in the nuddy

Ah, perhaps he forgot his bathers

You're not a passing man, I will sit wide, please

Very well sir, now there's a seat here

Dejandwin

Dejandwin

Dejandwin

All of the lannin

Yes

We have an appointment with Bismuth Bismuth

Bismuth's rocks over the mast

Who?

Bismuth's Alba Bao

Bismuth's Alba Bao

Bismuth's Alba Bao

What do you want with that old commagen?

You know him?

Know him?

Put it this way

If I weren't me, I'd be him

The man is a legend

He can sink a gallon of clarinet without drawing breath

Outsmart every doll in Oxford, swear in Greek

Drive in reverse without even looking kill a swan

Yes

An outstanding man

Yes, anything Bismuth can't do

Like respect women?

Oh no, Bismuth doesn't mind fillies

Just in case they'll just stick to what they're best at

What do you chair for with Bismuth anyways?

No, we intend you to change his mind about us

Them, women

About women

Why is that of concern to you?

Because we are men

Yes, we are men

Who wholly support the suffrage cause

That's right

Ah, not me

And here's a tip for you boys

If you want to outdo Bismuth, don't

Go home, he will demolish you

Will he demolish an emotive ballad

Honoring history's unsung heroines

Will he demolish an exhaustive dismantling of his 67 page

Invective, tis bitish is a woman

Will he demolish a cauldron suffrage treatise

Delivered in rhyming couplets?

Yes, he will

I don't know why you suffered years bother

You're fighting a battle you're never going to win

Stop winching

Get up

We will never get up, sir

We will fight, sir, and we will win

We will keep fighting like men, as men

We are men

Yeah, and men

We shall fight with growing strength

And growing confidence

Yes

We will defend our women's right to vote

Whatever the cost

Yes

We will fight in the fields

We will fight in the streets

We will fight in the hills

We will fight on the

The beaches

The beaches, what with your back of the spades

Oh, now I'm scared

We shall never surrender

Ah, absolutely ballad, eh, sir

But I know the way you said it

You may defend the rights of women wherever you choose

But you cannot alter the facts

As Subismath puts it

There exists in the world a natural order

That the head of which is the human male

Human male

Well, there will always be

Aberrations

The male is irrefutable superior

In physique and in intellect

The ladies may not like it

But they like the pin money

They receive from their husbands what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, grab his err

Oh, all fair man take to vote

Name, but, hell, and rebuke

Well, hell, and rebuke

These old men put a better worry here himself

All six of five and twenty-eight goutlin' stone of him

I see you are a man who has no respect for women

Thank you

So, yes, bad use

The line's been closed

The line's been closed

The suffragettes have now dug up a section of the track

And they're refusing to say where they've put it

That's awesome

My dear mother always said

Suffragettes should be forcibly fed consense

Well, there's a car waiting for you outside, sir

Gentlemen, I don't feel right when I come at the bag

What you stand for

But you, sir, there's loads of Trump

I've always opened

If any of you had a few more

Clear thinking rational chaps I'd do in the cabinet

Would you help?

Officer

Yes, Mr Churchill

Did he say Churchill?

No, he said Churchill

Remind me again

Winston Churchill has offered me a place in the cabinet

What an honour, Helen

A seat to the highest table in the land

It is pity you're a woman

Now you're sorry, Juliet

Now you're called to say

Never thought to fail

Now you're was a suffragette

Spent an eye in jet

Spinging boats for women

It is just a beginning

You haven't seen anything yet

Oh, now you're was a suffragette