Original subtitles

There was a South Virginia, never thought to fail

Nine there was a South Virginia, spent an island in jail

Singing boats for women, it was just a beginning

You haven't seen anything yet

Oh, nine there was a South Virginia

Right, so I think I've done everything on Margaret's list

Buck the furniture, shake in the rug, dusted the coving, shined the brasses

But it says he has set out chairs in an appealing arrangement

What does that mean?

How can it make seats more appealing?

Fill them with men

No, no, the only visa my Charlie lets me do this suffraging

is because there are no men here

Well, if there's nothing else, I'll get on with some of these very important napkins

for Helen's dinner party

Who would like some tea?

Oh, yes, please

Oh, I'd love a cup, oh, thank you Gwen

Thank you Gwen

Oh, right, I'll go and make a pot

Oh, Benvres seemed very quiet today

I took the trouble to parade through the Easington slums

But wasn't a soul to be seen

Did you chalk the pavements to advertise our meeting, Thomas?

Yes, Mrs. Unwin, every paving stone is covered

Indeed, my wrists are throbbing from the effort

I also took the liberty of creating this

A historical timeline of female achievement

Oh, wonderful Thomas, how does it work?

Yes, we begin at year zero

The first woman emerges from the primordial soup

Year one, the Virgin Mary gives birth

Year 1400, Lady Julian reveals Christ's love

1800, Madame Tussaud popularizes wax

1910, the Benbury, intricate craft circle, polite, requests women's suffrage

And future predictions include 1999

A woman flies to the moon

Oh, no!

Wonderful Thomas, most inspiring

And these are lovely bows either, are they for anything?

Oh, yes, to prettify and soften the room

And show that suffrage is an all ugly, ugly

Sorry Gwen

Ah, thank you Gwen

Gwen

Are you going to polish the woodwork?

No

I want to make the best possible impression on our potential recruits

So I noticed a little scuff on the wainsick by the door

Oh, so sorry, I must have caught it when I was waxing the floors

I'll get to cloth and polish

Yes, and did you manage to spruce the facilities?

Ah, yes, I did

It's surprising what gets under a rim, isn't it?

Yes, I went right around the uvend and round the bow

With the toothbrush, as you suggested

Oh, Gwen? Yes, I'll, er, I'll put the toothbrush back

My mother's wash bowl before she's even noticed

And what about refreshments?

In the privy

Er, no, quickly in the hall

Oh, yes, I thought perhaps strong tea and sandwiches

Dilly, just sandwiches?

Do you think that will appeal to the noble proletariat?

The noble prolor, what are you in it?

Proliteriate, poor people, either

Oh, what do we want with them?

We are hoping to spread our suffrage message

Across the social divide and to swell our eggs

Are we, though? Yes

Well, then just make them boil cabbage, poor people love that

Perhaps they would appreciate a change from their usual earthy diet

You know, olden biscuits, brandy snaps

But they can only suck food because of their no teeth

Nice

You think you could whip up a bamorang, Gwen?

Of course, Margaret

Good

I'll get with pink, wonderful

As I had hoped for some early comers

And perhaps they heard Margaret was giving a speech

LAUGHTER

Sorry, Eva?

Oh, I said

She can't wait for your speech

Well, perhaps I might rehearse it

Is it like a preview?

Lovely

LAUGHTER

Bring your tea

Ah, Gwen! Gwen!

I think you will enjoy this, Sip, Sip

Yes, the theme is dedicated to a remarkable individual who has touched

Many ordinary people

That's your book or the film star

No, Eva, so I shall begin

Good evening

Welcome

Gwen, could you...

Class of water, Margaret

Sorry, it's a nervous tickle

They're the best

LAUGHTER

Yes, thank you Gwen, thank you

Sit, sit

LAUGHTER

Ah, ah, so good evening

Welcome

Women of Banbury

I invite you to consider tonight the contribution made by another

Great woman

Oh, goodness, honey, I forgot the piesta resistance

Thomas, the grand phone

I thought my talk might benefit from a rousing musical backdrop

Yes

Women of Banbury

I invite you to consider tonight a contribution made

Mrs. Alwyn, I suspect a speck of fluff

If one simply blows like this

Yes, yes, yes

Should I put it at the beginning or where it was?

Yes, yes, yes

I invite you to consider tonight a contribution

I invite you to consider tonight a contribution

Made by another Great woman

That's too loud, Thomas, too loud

Yes, um, the woman I've hoped to...

It's too quiet now, Thomas

It's too quiet

The woman of whom I speak

I speak of course of Elizabeth Cleggorn Gaskell.

Oh, is that the lady with the one long tooth

who lives above the post office and only comes out of Mickelmas?

No. Um, who here can say they have not been moved by the works of Gaskell?

Rhetorical, never mind.

There's details, portraits of the very, very, very poor,

capture the wonderful language of the workhouse.

As if she knew the lower orders better than they, you, know yourselves.

Fravit, Novit, Clem, and Nobstik have a trip off the common town.

Do you know what they mean?

I think I know what Nobstik means.

Gaskell was a pioneer in his social reformer.

She longed to inspire and embolden women like you

for improving your sad, lonely, empty lives.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

Is not a compliment, Gwen.

Oh, thank you, Eva.

As we hear at the BICCPRW,

Stitt and our ivory towers protected from the viscera and violence of slum life,

you're quite all right, Margaret.

Yes, I'm just waiting for the swill.

I feel you have missed it, Mrs. Umwyn.

Yes, yes.

So, do you like some of this?

No, no. Take the edge of Margaret's speech.

Because I'm sure I'll try.

What is it? Cyanide.

Is Dr. Ham's invigorator?

Sorry, ladies. Have I said something amusing?

Not at all.

Do share. I know my speech is very important and affecting,

but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy a moment of liberty.

Is Dr. Ham's invigorator? Would you like some more?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't touch the stuff.

I tried it once and ended up barefoot on a train to Penrith.

I'm here. I'm here.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Helen, I'm so glad you decided to come.

I have come only to say that I shall not be coming.

And I see I'm not the only one.

I'm sure the working women will arrive soon.

You mean after they finished protesting outside my front gates,

clogging up my driveway and making a dreadful row?

Are they really protesting? Oh, goodness.

I splendid.

Not splendid at all.

Inconvenient and irritating.

They intend to disrupt my dinner tonight.

I have 20 captains of industry coming for an extremely important day.

Is it not because of the poem?

Is what? Not because of the poem.

Well, all those lady workers, they all pong a bit, don't they?

Because they can't wash because they haven't got any taps.

Is that why they're protesting?

No. They are demanding what they always demand,

even more money. A 100% pay rise, no less.

Goodness. How much do they get now?

A hairpiné. How much more do they want?

100% pay rise.

A hairpiné. How much more do they want?

A 100%, so a hairpiné.

But they already got a hairpiné.

Yes, and they want another one.

But then how much will they have?

A penny? Each.

Where is Gwen?

Not slacking, I trust. She's supposed to be making my new napkins

for the captain's dinner.

I have selected pale lemon yellow damask,

intricately embroidered with the butte factory crest,

a lion standing on a cog holding a ball bearing,

a motto in Latin, in blazened beneath,

Bonos est quadbute faket.

Oh, good day, too, Helen. I'm just finishing your napkins,

Captkins.

You mean my captain's napkins?

Do I? Yes, I do.

He's taken with the best part of a month,

at almost finish when I noticed that the lion on the crest

was facing the wrong way, so I unpicked the whole lot.

Only then I realized I've been looking at the reverse side,

so I didn't want to unpick them after all.

And then I did them all again.

Reputation of a woman stands or falls

on the quality of her napkin, Gwen.

Why does the lion only have three legs?

The other one's behind the cog?

It looks rather peculiar.

Like an has-suit milking stool.

Good old out-of-forth leg?

A whole new set of fourth legs in time for dinner.

Well, after dinner will be too late.

I'll do my best.

Why you disturbing Gwen, Helen?

She has important suffrage business to attend to.

These napkins will touch the mouths of the most powerful men in Europe,

nay the world.

These sandwiches will touch the mouths of the most powerless women in bandry,

nay the county, who are not here.

You choose Gwen.

When you approach the gates of heaven,

will it be the loaf of bread in your hand,

or the principles in your heart that will gain you entry?

Love of bread?

Wrong, Gwen, wrong.

Goodness cannot be measured in dough.

And how will she make your sandwiches without bread?

Mm-hmm.

Serve the ham between two slices of self-righteousness.

I'm sorry, Margaret. I've only got whole weight.

Pay no attention to Helen.

Gwen's work may seem menial,

but think one napkin will allow a captain of industry

to debate the cost of copper unimpeded by a dribble of cream on his chin,

or a streak of Holland days in his lap.

Thank you, Helen.

Also, as many lion legs as I can.

For each will be sufficient.

Gwen, if it makes it easier,

you can leave the crusts on.

Goodness. Please, that noise.

Napkin's Gwen.

Take one!

Two step arms out.

What are you doing?

Having fun, Helen. Ever heard of it?

Murch has teach us the cake walk.

It's all the rage in America.

Two step arms out.

Kick Thomas, kick!

Come and dance!

Absolutely not.

Ladies, this is a serious political meeting.

Come on, Margaret.

Oh, goodness, Eva.

Her reign, Margaret.

Her reign.

No, thank you, no.

What if a lady laborer was walking and mistake us

was some racy of dancing cabaret honky-tonk?

Oh, imagine.

And imagine if someone were to mistake you for someone happy?

No one's coming to your own meeting, Margaret.

Our meeting, Margaret.

And if one single solitary lady worker comes through those doors,

then my efforts will not have been in vain.

Oh, shh, shh.

An interesting party I knew someone would come.

Thomas Grennefert.

Oh, boom.

Come on, let's get Gwen to make it some more tea.

Oh, more fizzy tea, lovely.

Ah, good evening. Welcome.

Thank you for coming.

What an honour.

We have sandwiches, blomange, in case of soft tea,

and a short but stirring speech delivered by me.

Please be seated.

Oh.

Thomas Grennefert.

No, the back and firm did.

Good evening. Welcome.

Women.

Woman of Vanbury.

I invite you to consider tonight the contribution made by another great woman.

Margaret.

You can't give this office meat.

Emily.

What a convincing disguise.

Yes, I did have an inkling.

I've had the most thrilling morning rubbing shoulders with the actual ordinary women protesting for fair pay.

Meanwhile, we were running around getting the hall ready for them.

They were right in our doorstep.

I couldn't resist wearing the scullery maids clothes.

The workers were magnificent.

Thomas, mummy walked right past and didn't see me.

We all shouted things at her.

I can't say what.

It's too daring and awful.

Oh no, Miss Emily, don't tell.

That's the women. Right's the workers. You are pigs.

Go on, blimey.

Let's kick the capitalist toe-regs. Right's hot the arse.

Please.

How stirring?

Where did you find this?

With a doctor, he was scredder for the children.

My virginity's been quite sluggish.

And so we put in her milk.

Only she wouldn't drink it.

And let's say drunk some too.

So it's one for a mummy.

One for a virginity.

One for a mummy.

One for a virginity.

Three for a mummy.

Yes, I get the idea.

And that's how he discovered how exhilarating dot-dans invigorator is.

I'm all for a little invigorator.

A big invigorator.

Oh, God.

And is this quack dust?

Ingredients, baking soda, sugar, cocaine.

Bake or excitement, hysteria, increased confidence and delusions of power.

Don't have any, Helen.

Your head mindings blood.

I'd have a bear and other instant of this brainless yabbering.

When I shall expect those now things perfectly completed when I return forthwith.

What about when you return?

Fifth with!

Who's never with?

I'm returning home to attend to my titivations.

Fill the bellies of the already full with fair toiled for by the great unfair.

You understand nothing of the capitalist model?

I have read Descapita.

Have you?

I've read Descapita.

Have you?

I've read Descapita.

I've read Descapita.

I've read Descapita.

I've read Descapita.

I've read Descapita.

Have you?

Yes.

All of it?

Well, the German was rather dense, so I did skin most of it, but I understood enough to know that you profit from the sweated labours of others, and that is not very nice.

And on what is that profit spent?

Napkins, apparently?

Charity.

The butte school for left-handed boys.

The annual wake-week donkey ride for slow children.

The endowment fund for confused dogs.

We hold this town together.

Scraps from your table.

Better than Blomons from your bowl.

Blomons, blomons, blomons.

Don't work that funny when you say them over and over.

Blomons.

It's our term for the gramophone.

I want to practice my high kicks.

Can't walk the clock!

Oh, come, Master Thomas.

Oh, no, no, no.

I've been now as not quite the right time for a red time.

Excuse me.

The rubber barons, copper kings, steel magnates, financiers and tycoons are waiting.

I will send Emily back for the napkins.

I refuse to pass through that clag of insurgents again.

Who are you calling a clag?

Oh, look, Margaret.

Your audience has arrived after all.

That's right.

I was a working woman.

What tours me fingers to a bone I is?

Like...

Sorry, where are you from?

I don't matter where I was from or what eyes looked like.

I zoom in, in eyes.

What's it saying?

Where did you drag this creature from?

She's clearly an imbecile.

You were one.

More like.

Because you wait not paying.

Your work is adequately.

Adequately?

Do you even know what that means?

It means enough.

Well, they're not getting mother.

Emily!

Oh, Ellen, your face is a picture!

Did I miss something?

Get back to work.

And you, young lady.

Go into that kitchen and bring those napkins when they're finished.

And when you sit down to dying tonight with those eminent men,

think about who pays for your food and the roof over your head

and the dowry for when you choose to marry some floppy-handed,

half-a-fop.

I hate you, mother.

You see the trouble.

Your affected philanthropic damn squib has caused.

Who do you dare call affected?

Oh, no.

So you admit you are a philanthropic damn squib?

I do not.

You just did.

You just did philanthropic damn squib.

I know you are, but what am I?

I'm leaving.

Anobigechi!

It was very strong, Mrs. Unwin.

Yes, it was.

It just came out in the heat of the moment.

As if you were possessed by the very spirit of the lumpen pro-territ.

Yes, it was. It wasn't it, Thomas.

Such a shame.

We have no audience here to enjoy that spirit

and my cleverly constructed thoughts on oppression.

One lady came Margaret.

That was Emily.

Was it?

Are you quite all right?

Oh, yes, I'm on the last one now. Thank you.

You meant me.

Yes. I'll be fine.

Oh, Thomas.

Excuse my rough Callous Tans.

I have been scrubbing potatoes to understand what it is to be poor.

Oh, Miss Emily, you are extraordinary.

I confess I once experienced the life of a down and out myself.

Did you? No.

Yes.

Father forgot to leave the key beneath the statue of Christ of a Demo where it is usually kept.

I was supposed to sleep huddled and blanketless in the doorway for a full half hour.

Thomas.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Margaret.

The ribbons and the sandwiches are all finished.

No one's coming, Gwen.

All my hard work has been wasted.

Being a high-minded woman of principle is a thankless task.

Well, at least the napkins are done.

Oh, thank you.

Margaret, no.

Those are for the very important captains.

And God forbid a speck of dirt should offend their very important eyes.

I'm going to take these napkins to Mommy now, Gwen.

Thank you, Emily.

No to talk.

Oh.

Grage.

Miss someone.

Grage.

Yes, Thomas.

Yes.

You are right.

We mustn't give up.

I think we can manage one last push.

Gwen.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

How did you get on?

Well, I circumnavigated the town.

Three times, as you asked.

Oh.

Well, there was some interest in the half-price sausages, Margaret.

But no one wants to come to your meeting.

I'm sorry.

Oh, well, we did our best.

I suppose we should tidy away and fight another day.

Oh, no, thank you.

I know.

I was thinking you could put them in the kitchen.

Oh, would you like another one, Margaret?

Such a shame they should go to waste.

Oh, no, no, no.

I couldn't eat another thing.

Would anyone else like a sandwich?

Oh, no, thank you, Gwen.

I don't know why, but I don't feel hungry at all.

No, me.

Wouldn't you join us, Gwen?

Have a moment's respite from the twins.

No, I've got to put these in the kitchen and then clear away all these chairs, Thomas.

Gwen, allow me.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hello, Miss Emily.

Did you manage to deliver my napkins?

Yes, Gwen.

I certainly did.

Oh.

Helen was most insistent they would make or break her very important dinner.

Oh, Emily.

How lovely to see you.

Will you join us in the dance?

Thomas is wonderful.

She had Thomas.

I am Essence of Devil.

Come, Emily, it's easy.

Oh, Gwen, you have made such great efforts.

Just put all these chairs away.

Speak the floor and then I'm done.

It'll be helpful.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

Come, yes.

Grizzly bear.

Grizzly bear.

Grizzly bear.

Grizzly bear.

Hi, me.

Hi, me.

Two step.

Two step.

Great.

Great.

It should be joining us.

It's not toiling away alone.

Oh, well, in a mow.

Oh.

Well, at least have some of my fizzy tea.

That'll pep you up.

Oh, thank you, Eva.

It won't disconfuffle me, will it?

Oh, no, no, no.

It'll just give you a boost to make you feel special.

Oh.

Lovely.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Turn that infernal music off at once.

Gwen.

My napkin's Gwen.

How could you?

Oh, sorry, Helena.

I didn't think anyone would notice if I just sewed a few claws on the lion's tail and

passed it off as the fourth leg.

I'm not referring to a misshapen lion.

I'm referring to this.

And this.

And this.

Oh.

And utterly humiliated.

Oh, good.

How could you, Gwen?

Helena, you don't think I would do such a thing to my own napkins?

It was me, everyone.

It was me.

I wanted them to choke on their soup.

Emily.

I thought you would approve.

Oh, I would never condone such napkin abuse.

I saw Emily, did you do all of them?

Yes.

But why?

Well, if I'm Aegwen, I think in her own wrong way, Emily was trying to lift the burden from

the worker's shoulders as I, well, we all were trying to do today.

She wasn't doing anything of the sort.

She was trying to annoy me by slumming it with those hopeless women who couldn't be

elevated if you fired them out of a cannon.

Those workers were born foolish and stupid, Margaret, and if they work like donkeys, they

should be paid in carrots.

We are tabular eyes, I, Helen.

I think I'm going to be written on by history and circumstance.

I really did want to help all the workers I met, but I did want to annoy mummy as well.

I'm sorry, Gwen.

Can I say something, Margaret?

Yes, Gwen.

I'd love a cup of tea.

I'm sorry, Margaret.

You're going to have to make it yourself.

Oh, this is good, Tiva.

Isn't it?

Right.

Sit down, everyone.

I have something to say.

Go on, sit down.

Stop gawfing.

I'm Gwen.

I'm, er, Seem Strus and a worker and a woman.

When I was growing up, I had seven brothers.

Yet I was expected to work just as long and hard in the factories as them, but for half

a pay.

And then when we got home, they all put their feet up, but I had to work all night cleaning

the floor and making the bread and washing the clothes.

Well, mother was already getting sick by then.

And then one by one, my brothers all just took off and got married and left me and mother

to fend for ourselves.

They gave us nothing.

They gave us nothing because I'd only ever had one proposal from Kenneth Hillington.

There was a simpleton.

They said it was my duty to stay at home and look after mother and keep working.

And it was then, then, Margaret, that I decided, yes, I decided without any help from your

tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, you know, Christy, whatever it was you said,

I decided that if I could just find a few more hours in the day, then I could learn to sew

and I could get a better job for a better wage and I wouldn't have to work all hours

that God sends just to put food on the table for me and mother carrots included.

And I do for mother what father can't because well, he's dead.

Yes, and I'm proud of it, Margaret. I'm proud of it.

None of you lot know anything.

I'm sorry everyone. I don't know what came out for me.

That'll be the fizzy tea.

Gwen, you were magnificent.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?

I'm sorry I've been so blind.

Oh, no, Margaret, you haven't been blind. No, just a bit ignorant.

Sorry, Margaret.

I can still make the tea for everyone. No, can't, Margaret. I do so enjoy it.

Yes, if you want to.

Why do Margaret, I do.

May I make the tea, Gwen? Just this once.

Well, all right, Miss Emily. Normal tea.

Well, then let us have a tray and tuck into your delicious blomange.

Blomange.

Gwen, you have touched my heart today.

I'm not made of iron and your words have moved me to consider the hardships some endure.

I'm now going home to speak to those women on my doorstep

and to tell that clag of ingrades that I know someone much worse off than them.

Thank you, Helen.

Well, tell them that there are sandwiches and blomange waiting for them in the church hall

and a stirring speech set to rousing music.

I shall, indeed.

Who's going to be speaking, Margaret? Gwen is...

Margaret, what an honor!

Gwen?

Yes, Master Thomas.

I hope you do not find me too forward.

I have added you to the historical timeline of female achievement.

1910, Gwen, rapier's tepioca racy speech won over the hearts and minds of the B-I-C-C-P-R-W-S.

Oh.

And the blomange was delicious.

No! Thank you, Master Thomas.

Take one!

Oh, come on, Margaret.

Master, I...

Christi Bear! Christi Bear!

I need, I need, to step, to step!

Great, great, great!

Christi Bear! Christi Bear!

I need, I need, to step, to step!

Great, great, great!

Ah!

APPLAUSE

Charlie Brooker's bank tomorrow at 10, with his weekly wipe of sharp satire.

Don't take my word for it. He'll do his own sales pitch in just a moment.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Oh, none of us are self-reged.

Then.

Thank you, Helen.

Well, tell them that there are sandwiches and blomange waiting for them in the church hall.

And a stirring speech set to rousing music.

I shall, indeed.

Who's going to be speaking, Margaret?

Gwen is...

Margaret, what an honour!

Oh, Gwen.

Gwen?

Yes, Master Thomas.

I, uh, I hope you do not find me too forward.

I have added you to the historical timeline of female achievement.

1910.

Gwen, rapier's tepioca racy speech won over the hearts and minds of the B.I.C.C.P.R.W.S.

And the blomange was delicious.

Thank you, Master Thomas.

Kate, whoa!

Oh, Gwen, Margaret.

Oh, Master Thomas.

Greasy bear! Greasy bear!

High knee! High knee!

Two step! Two step!

Three parade! Four eight!

Greasy bear! Greasy bear! High knee!

High knee! Two step! Two step! Three parade!

Three parade!

Three parade!

Three parade!

Hand and a set for jet.

Hand and a roll to the net.

Now there was a set of for jet.

Spent an island in jet.

Singing votes for women.

It is just a beginning.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Oh, now there was a set of for jet.

You have to be a part of the

mission of the B.I.C.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.P.R.

You have to be a part of the B.I.C.P.R.