Original subtitles

I know it's a soft legit, almost the last alive

I know it's a soft legit, over 95

She's high and goes to fall when it's just the beginning

You haven't seen anything yet

I know it's a soft legit

Gwen

Gwen

Yes, just putting out my homemade fairy cakes Margaret

Gwen

Yes, just coming

About these placards, Gwen

What was it exactly you said to Mr Jones from the woodyard?

Well, I said 6x3

6x3 for the poles or 6x3 for the poles

I'm not sure Margaret, I'm not sure

I was just very conscious not to take up too much of his time

as he's made them for us for nothing

I'm not sure I made a ham gesture

Where were you?

Well, I was in the line at the butchers

and Mr Hill, the butcher, had asked me

how large I wanted the beef brisket for the annual St Augustine's church dinner

and Mr Jones from the woodyard

had just asked me what dimensions I wanted our placards to be

and I looked at Mr Jones

and oh yes, I did gesture

I've gestured to Mr Hill 6x3

They're wrong aren't they?

They're not wrong

Oh Margaret, I'm so sorry, I'm exhausted

Mother was up all night with a pleurisy

She's finally agreed to take up smoking

which the doctor recommended

but it just seems to keep her wide awake

Good grief

Are you putting together a paddle steamer?

They are wrong

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

I wouldn't have wanted them any other way

when they're perfect for our purpose

I bought a trip down the Mississippi

We are putting a boundary intricate craft circle

politely requests women's suffrage firmly on the map, Mr Miller

We're carrying them on a suffrage march to the post office

and they are wide like this

so that we can fit more writing on them

Well you can fit the testament old and new on those

I'm here, I'm here

I wasn't going to come tonight

as I've been extremely busy with the annual ball bearings gala

It wasn't a gala Helen, it was a dinner for seven

Thank you Mother

When one has spent one's life pursuing pleasure for its own sake

I'm sure it's hard to imagine how complex the responsibilities

of dutiful married life are

Yes, I'm sure as I lie on my deathbed

I will cast my mind's eye back

over all the table arrangements I never made

Not long now

Helen Lee, don't speak to Emily

She's being punished for indulging in the most deplorable unnatural act

I was listening to Beezing

Music for fallen women

What's this? You're building a windmill

No, um, these are placards for our suffrage protest

We're marching to the post office today

Oh, I see you are still hell bent on attempting to captain this

ruddlest ship of fools upon the topsy-turvy seas of a motherless society

If you mean campaigning for women's votes, then yes

Well I come today to tell you that I shan't be joining you

Oh

No matter how hard you try to persuade me

Yes

I'm not a suffragette

Right

And I never will be

No

Goodbye

Goodbye

I'm sure we'd all love it if you'd stay

Yes, yes, please Helen, please stay

I love very well if you insist I will

But I will not participate, I will merely observe and criticize

Constructively

I very self-resilface of you, thank you

Thank you Helen

Right, so shall we all get on with pain

Not at all

Painting these placards

Right

Well, shall I talk you through the various bits and bobs?

It's the bobs

Well the brushes and paints to paint the signs

It's a complicated business and it can't be approached with any degree of slackdash

There's art in it

You can't dip brushes like you're dipping toffee out

Oh I know that, I've just recently read

Ruskin's placards of Venice, I think I know what I'm doing

Right

Well just remember to thin the paint with the turps

Turps

Ruskin didn't mention turps

Hang on

Why don't I do one?

You've got enough placards

Now this is a one-inch horsehair merry weather

The second most expensive you can buy

Dip it in lightly

Just a little, you don't want to clog it

Now what do you want me to write?

Oh, uh

Down with men

Down with men, right-o

So lightly as you go paint it right out

Till the brush is empty and then dip again

Had Michelangelo been a caretaker

Yes

Well had he been a caretaker, we would have

I don't understand

Well I was saying if he had been a caretaker

He would have paid a lot of attention to his brushes

I would say

Oh goodness

It wasn't I was just it was a passing horse

Please I must say

I'm a bit worried about these placards Margaret

I'm not sure if I'll be able to lift them up high

Hillies

Oh yes

Um

Now I'm sure it'll be fine

I'm sure it'll be fine

The gravity exerts a downward force

And the floor exerts a downward force

And see it is both forces or equal magnitude

In an opposite direction

They balance each other out

This is simply a case of just finding perfect equilibrium

Like this

I think this is commonly known as falling at the first hurdle

Don't worry Mrs. Unwin

I have a solution

There are many ways to wrangle a pole

Indeed

I should be back with technical reinforcements

Let's get on with painting a placard

Everyone there's been a suffrage attack on the statue of Venus in the Bambi Library

It's in the papers

Yes

The attack is believed to have been carried out by suffragettes

The suspects are still at large and the police are calling for witnesses

Do you want to see Helen?

No thank you

They act stuff for a blubbery Mabel's

goodness

And they take it out of Flannery Anne

Oh why did they do such a thing?

Because she's more than just a Flannery Anne and her blubbery Mabel's Gwen

Emily

She's not an object

Well she's a statue which technically is an object

I've spent many glorious afternoons being an object

Of desire

When I worked as a governess for the two chief langeres in Napoli

The baron took a shine to me

And we lay in his orchard discussing beauty and truth in the shade of his rare plums

Eve

What is a Flannery Anne?

Your uh your pom-pom-libute

Your Jennifer

Your Micoma Savonu

You were Jina Gwen Emily

Emily there is a child present

Oh are we doing placards?

Oh that's exciting

What can I write in my Margaret?

Taxation without representation is tyranny

All right

Do we have to write slogans or can we just do patterns?

We're a protest group Gwen not a children's nursery

Yes but I don't see why we can't decorate them

Perhaps there's some flowers in the corner

It is vital one study as one's canvas

Before one commits one's brush to it

When I studied painting and a yackabow tonnily airy in Roma

It would insist that I paint naked to add freson to my brush

Did it work?

It certainly did

It was not as fair as this catalogue of letterist Trist's mother

No

No

Eva

Yes Gwen

You know you're well you flannery Anne

Yes Gwen

Um how does that

When does it join up?

Is that is that how the kittens come out?

Join up with what Gwen?

Well does it join up with your soldiers mitten

You what?

You're reared guard

You're reserved constabulary

Oh no

So where do they come from?

Oh dear sweet innocent Gwen

They come from heaven

Through the fiery furtice of hell

Oh no everyone

Oh I'm sure you haven't

Oh no look everyone

Yes she has

Yes

As I see I see don't worry Eva don't worry everyone will know what you mean

I just didn't want anyone to know that I couldn't spell tyranny

No taxation

No representation

No is

Did you hear about Mrs Latham and the general's eldest son?

Oh yes

He's quite exquisite though is he not?

She's no better than she should be

I heard they were at it in the kitchen and Fran the scullery made walked in and found them

Apparently he was in nothing but his boots

Oh truffle, truffle, non-stop

Listen to yourselves

This is all just a little game for you isn't it

You provincial gossips

Nothing but a petty distraction from a loveless servitude your empty lives

Well I hope I never end up like you

Oh really Emily

And how exactly do you think you will succeed where all these women have failed?

To perfectly obvious

I will simply choose never to fall in love

That is women's downfall to succumb to the vanity and idiocy of romance

Sorry Emily

Ladies

Miss Emily

Late for what?

For the meeting

Is this a woman's suffrage meeting Thomas?

Yes

And you wish to join us?

Very much so

Absolutely welcome

Welcome we sold the mail here

I don't think my Charlie would like it if he knew I was in a group with other men

Please please

Do not think of me as a man

Or as a pupil one who can educate and illuminate as to the nature of your truthful fearless human hearts

You

You you you

You are unhappy cogs

Worn down by the grinding mechanics of male society cogs that would break free of the system and shatter the machine forever

And though I am not a cog I can act as a spanner

A spanner in the works of your oppression

Yours to you

Yours to use at will a tool of protest thank you

Bro

Well

We have ourselves a spanner

What do you think shall we use this tool

When will there be enough cake?

No he says plenty of fairy cakes left

Fairy cake Thomas?

Oh

Thank you

Did you make these miss rapier?

Erm yes

Yes absolutely

Constively um made those of myself

Yes

Very firm

Oh

Did you read about the attack on Venus?

Yes

Isn't it wonderful?

Oh well

I could never consciously said about mutilating such a

fine depiction of gentle beauty

Well shouldn't this battle be waged with the pen rather than by the mallet?

Well

I suppose the weight of one's weapons depends on the strength of one's risks

This is the sort of thing we should be doing

Not picketing some stupid post box

I chose the post office because of its proximity

But I'm perfectly open to any suggestions of suffrage action

Anyone?

We could shout?

Shout

Very good Gwen

Shout

Anyone else?

Awesome

Awesome?

Yes good

We could set fire to something

Again?

Good

Ride a horse bear back through the town

Completely naked

With garlands in our hair

We do that for a thing in Wiltshire all the time

Well we are not in Wiltshire

And we're not celebrating harvest festival

We're protesting

I think we should chain ourselves to something

Chains?

Very good

Very good

Kidnapped the Prime Minister

Well

You will do no such thing

Blow up Parliament

Er

Yes

And I'm writing these down Emily

But that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them

Kill the king

Sit down Emily

I've never been on Sarah Emily

But I'm not going to write that down

Because I don't think any of us want to face the death penalty now do we?

If I might just say I did rather think that preventing people from posting letters does set just the right tone

Thank you Thomas

We're not doing that though, we Margaret

I thought it was an important letter

An old rebel for example

For a birthday card for a little kitten

A detailed letter of complaint to boundary council

A letter to a married man trapped in a loveless hell

Oh yes

Well um we don't have to

If no one wants to we could just go to the post office and stand near the post box and shout

Well done Gwen

But we're supposed to be disturbing things aren't we?

Isn't that the point?

If we're worried about inconveniencing people surely we're missing the point

Yes no you're right Emily you're right

Ladies Thomas Frank

I knew we had something

Excellent, what have you bought this Frank?

They're from the marching band

You just hook on your drum or in this case

prop up your placard

Oh so good idea absolutely perfect Frank

Now I don't think you step into it Gwen I think you've put it over your head

No no no you're doing it all wrong

Let me demonstrate

Are you suffragetting Thomas?

His hair must have metra-fact Frank

Do you want me to pop back and get you a marching band belt?

No no I I think I can manage perfectly well

Thank you

Can I help you Miss Emily?

Scary!

I'm all right

I'm quite all right

I have a congenital wrist condition

How are you managing ladies?

Geez that's no

There's a wonderful Frank

Just absolutely fine

Good evening

Oh it is now

Oh

Good evening officer may we be of assistance

Are you the Bamberee intricate craft circle politely request women's suffrage?

There I am not I'm just here

Right who's in charge?

Goodness only knows frankly it's a rangoon fiasco

Well it was Margaret's idea

Margaret right

Margaret

Margaret and North Coast

You do recognise me hello John

I spent my summers on John's father's farm

Oh John

What are you doing here?

Investigating a crime

What a surprise to see you

No we're always up to something in those hay bales weren't we?

Ladies and sailors

Ladies and shepherds

Ladies and highway men

Stand and deliver

See one on my marble

Yes I gave them you back though

Yes you did you did I still had them all

Only just

What do we owe this pleasure John?

I'm here to investigate a terrible act of vandalism that was carried out on a statue in

Bamberee library

They extrafurbilabry Mables

Indeed

Now I want to make any assumptions but misread from the bakers on Thrum Church Street

told me there was a suffrage group meeting here

How dare she?

What a cow

When?

Sorry

So I thought I popped down and asked you a few questions and I'll let you get back to your uh

Whatever it is

We don't think we did it do you?

No no just routine

Do you have any clues?

The only things left at the scene were a moldy cheese sandwich on stale bread

and a chunk of peanut brittle

Well we are suffragettes but we're very low key

We're just taking these placards on a march to the post office

Yes they look like you're about to barricade yourselves in

As I say I'm sure you've got nothing to do with it

Kidnap PM

Blow up on

Oh yes no no no no don't worry about that John

That was it was we were just a

Bill the king

Emily you are not going out like that

Officer she's not a suffragette

Yes I am

No you're not you're a naughty girl

Right

Well will you there who is it may?

I need to speak to you all individually

I'm sorry Margaret

I'm going to have to file a full report on this

Kill the king and everything

Yes no I quite understand John

Officer Therkering

Sorry yeah John sir

Officer Therk

Right I'm sure it's all very innocent

Now is there somewhere I can use for interviews?

I can use the kitchen

Right who would like to be interviewed first?

Me

The one that got away

Stop it mate

Ask me anything you like

Right yes well I intend to

I'm an open book

Name

Merthel von Hekling

Age

Guess

I'm sorry

See if you can guess

Yes

Where were you last night

Between the hours of 10pm and 11pm?

In bed

Alone?

Alas

That's in bed

Alone

Can anyone verify that?

No because you're alone

Obviously

Who do you think it was Margaret?

Well

Somebody likes peanut brittle and cheese sandwiches

I imagine

I like cheese sandwiches

Did I do it?

I did not know when did you?

I don't think so

You'd know if you did or not Gwen

Oh you'd remember Gwen

Oh yes of course

Thank you Mrs von Hekling

Miss

Who's next?

Gwen would you mind?

And

Margaret if I do not return

Will someone take with her fresh pulp test?

Yes yes I will

But don't worry

Gwen you will return

It's just routine

She has the look of a guilty woman

Now there's no need to be nervous

I just want to ask you a few simple

Questions

What's your-

Gwen Raypier

Three Don Donald Street

Vambray Oxfordshire

And what seems to-

Who, my brother?

Have you-

No never

I had one proposal from Kenneth Hlingdon

My mother forced me to turn him down

Because she said it was a simpleton

No

I was never in love with him

But he had a kind heart

And I felt he loved me deeply

So

No no, Miss Raypier

I wanted to ask you where?

Oh sorry

And with my mother

All evening?

Yes

Thank you

You may go

Oh thank god

Oh

Thank you

Just to reiterate

We had no intention of killing the king

You've done very well Gwen

Try not to undo that good

Send me the next person please

Thank you

I'm in the clear

Helen you're next

If I must

Mrs Helen Butte

Wife of Samuel Butte

Owner of the Butte

Ball bearing company

Sponsor of the Banbury Flyers

The Banbury Rovers

And the Banbury Water Boatmen

Thank you

I think what you're trying to say is

Thank you Mrs Butte

That will be all

Yes

Yes

Thank you Mrs Butte

That will be all

You're too kind

Would you send in the next one?

No

Who's next please?

I'm Eva

Would you?

Let me just get this right

You've gone

14

Yes 14 children

Liberty Charity

Patience Providence Prudence

Justina Ernestina

Constance Clemens

Chesty virginity

Absnast moderation and John

That's 13 girls

One boy

Last night

Last night

Virginity was locked in the co-hole

By chesty and abstinence

Cause she smashed chesty's doll on the fire grate

Virginity

She got a terrible temper

She gets that from her father's side

He's hotheaded

He went there last night

Otherwise they wouldn't dare behave like that in front of him

They gave the key to Liberty

Who's too

So only the good lord knows where that went

It was housekeeper's night off

So cook now

We had to bash down the door

With my husband's bronze line door stopped

Whoa who was

There's the little pigeon

She was fast asleep on a pile of coal by the time

He smashed the door down

I knew I probably should give her a punishment

For smashing chesty's doll

But it just didn't have the heart

See my feeling is

Virginity's punishment had already been meted out

By chesty and abstinence

I'm not your time for sir

Do you have any children?

You just send him Margaret please

Of course

Of course

You're too Margaret

Right yes

John and Margaret sitting in the tree

Mother

Well this really couldn't be any worse for Margaret could it?

I mean picketing the post of was what a catastrophic idea

I thought we should pick it very sweet shop

She's always very miserly with a peanut brittle

If they was gonna pick it anywhere

She'd be Mrs. Allen's cheesemongers on Griggly Hill

She once sold me moldy cheddar and told me it was blue lester

Or that dreadful bakery on Thromchurch Street

Run by that slatter in this reed

The one who shocked us over

Why anyone would let her near flower eggs in a mixing bowl with those hands

Oh we know if you've seen them

She's got filthy fingers like burnt sausages

Well this is

However could we have guessed we'd be in such a situation

That's just routine

I think you're worried about it

Right I'll ask you a few questions

You know my name obviously

Not your married name

It's Zachary

Unwin

Yes Unwin I'm married

No

Twelve long years

Extraordinary isn't it?

That we should meet like this again

After all these years

You remembered my name

Yes well I'm good with names

Faces it helps in my profession

You must be professional

What's your address?

I'm 14 lavender road

Bambi obviously

And yours?

No just ask questions

I will

Where were you last night?

My husband was in his bedroom

Reading and

I was in mine

Alone

On my own

Writing

Were you there all night?

I can't do this

I must think of my son Cecil

Was he awake?

He sleeps fitfully

He wears calipers

Well I uh I think that's all

Thank you

Yes goodbye John

Thank you for being strong

For both of us

It's the right thing to do

Goodbye

Bye then

Yes you can't look up

It's too painful I understand

Right well I'm off

Wait

Aren't you going to interview me?

I don't really see the zenia

But why did it?

But you didn't be quiet Emily

I did

I did it

Arrest me

She didn't

She was with me all evening

What colour paint did you use to paint out uh

Blannery Anne

Um

Bloo

Yell

Look you're all perfectly innocent

Now if you'll excuse me

I shall leave you to get on with your

Whatever it is

Ladies

Frank

Thomas

Officer Thackerate

Right

Come on everyone

Placards up

Let's get to the post office

I am abstaining

Oh everyone except Helen

Oh Mrs Unwin

The post office shuts in five minutes

Oh no

Shall I pop down the road and see if they'll stay open for a bit longer

Would you Frank

Would you?

I know Bob from the vegetable growers gilly

Do you think we need a signal to allow us to danger?

Well like a whistle

I never whistle is common

Everyone can whistle like that

But we don't need a whistle can we just go

How about a bird call?

What about an owl?

We can all do an owl can't we?

Owl

Twitoo

Twitoo

Twitoo

Twitoo

Twitoo

Yes on your own Gwen

Oh

Whoo

Isn't it like the wolf going your owl

That was my owl

Definitely a wolf

In order a wolf can't we?

Ahhh

I want standards

I can't bear it any longer

I wish to be turning set out

in road on the salt and room floor

Anything

Anything but this interminable inaction

Can't we just do something?

Somebody just do something

Up the women

Huzzah

No

All right Gwen thank you

All right

Who threw this?

I did this

No I threw it

Arrest me

No you didn't be quiet Emily

Who has been consorting with Miss Reed

from the Thrum Church Street Bakery?

I have

I'm sorry everyone

Wait how could you?

I just didn't have time to make our Tiffin

I would never ever normally buy shop bought a cake's officer

Well it was Miss Reed

Mrs. Alum the Cheese Manger

and Betty from the sweet shop who attacked the Venus

Am I an accomplice?

Are you going to arrest me?

Margaret

Mother's Poulters is in the larder on the meat shelf

Please stop forced feed me

No that won't be necessary

As far as I can see the only crime you've committed

is buying cakes from Miss Reed's bakery

I recognize it because I use them as slow compost on my courgettes

Do you really?

Yes I work a treat

Anyway it turns out you're not the only suffragettes in Bambi

They're calling themselves the free suffragette army

Now that is a strong name

Don't you think Margaret?

The post office will stay open for 10 more minutes

Ouch come on

No put that down Emily

Kathy from Urban Mothers

Ayy

Thanks Steve...