Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪♪

Right through those doors.

Hi. I'm Helen Williams.

I'm in 342 on the promenade deck.

Could one of you please direct me to my cabin?

Yes, Mrs. Williams. That's just up the elevator

and aft of the ship.

-Oh, thank you very much. -Hello, Helen. Remember me?

No. I don't believe I do.

Well, Walter love.

May I direct you to your cabin?

We met at a novelty convention about five years ago.

Ever since, I've been sending you my novelties,

and your assistant has been sending them back.

Oh. Well, Mr....

Love. Walter love.

This happens to be my vacation.

And if you don't mind, it's starting right now.

Well, struck out again.

Ah, too bad.

That woman owns one of the largest

mail order businesses in the country.

Boy, would I like to get my novelties into her catalog.

Well, don't give up.

This is a long cruise.

Anything can happen. -Yeah.

Let us know if you need a hand.

I hope your date for this cruise is as pretty as mine.

Merrill: Oh, she is very attractive.

We'll see whose date she is.

I have a feeling I've seen her somewhere before.

Well, if that's the line you plan to use, forget it.

That went out with high-button shoes.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, hi.

-I'm Jaime Sloane. -Hello.

I'm captain merrill stubing.

And this is Dr. Adam bricker. -Hi.

In case you're interested, i'm an old-fashioned ship's doctor.

I make cabin calls.

[ Laughs ]

I'll keep that in mind.

Wait a minute. I know who you are.

You're the, uh, you're the jungle mystery girl.

That's it. That television commercial,

the one with the girl draped over the lion.

Jungle mystery, the only thing you need to wear

when your man is king of the beasts.

[ Both laugh ]

If there's anything I can do

to make your cruise more comfortable

or hopefully more memorable...

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, there is.

Would you give this... To the kitchen staff?

It's a list of my dietary restrictions.

-A problem? -Oh, no.

Just watching my weight.

My theory on food is,

if you can't see it, you can't eat it.

[ Chuckles ]

Consider it done.

Yes. And while you're doing that,

I'll show miss Sloane to her cabin.

Thank you.

Right this way.

♪♪

Excuse me.

Yes?

I'm Rose York.

Oh, of course, miss York. I'm Julie McCoy.

I'm the one who hired you for this cruise.

Yeah.

You have a marvelous eye for talent.

Oh, are you the lady who's gonna be singing

in the acapulco lounge?

Uh, singing? [ Chuckles ]

Let's say "starring," darling.

I almost didn't recognize you.

Those pictures you sent were just...

Oh, those silly things.

Darling, those pictures are older than I am.

They were taken when I first started my singing career.

Well, miss. York,

I'm sure you're going to be a sensational attraction.

Well, if I'm not, darling,

I will be the first one to be surprised.

Excuse me. My name is radford harcourt.

I couldn't help but overhear that you're an entertainer.

Just what is it that you do?

Darling, I do it all.

I'll bet she does.

♪♪

Attention, all visitors ashore.

We sail in 30 minutes.

Rose, if there's anything else you need,

just let me know after we sail.

Well, thank you, darling.

I just know we're going to be

the closest of friends.

That's great. Bye-bye.

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Air horn blows ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Excuse my back.

If you think I'm gonna ask about the numbers on your shirt,

you're wrong.

Huh? Oh, this?

For goodness' sake, I didn't even know I had it on.

All right. I give up.

Why do you have the numbers on your shirt?

Ah.

That is a terrific question.

I thought you'd never ask.

Well, this is the perfect gift

for a woman to give to a man that she loves the most.

-I don't get it. -Well, it's really quite simple.

The guy doesn't have to move a muscle. He just lies there.

If he has an itch, he says to her, "scratch three."

Massage -- "scratch seven."

Should sell for about...

$15.

What do you say I put you down for six dozen?

You're right about one thing --

it's simple.

[ Laughs ]

You are a crazy man.

And you...Are a challenge.

I'll tell you what.

Either I put you down for six dozen, or...

You have dinner with me.

Suppose my answer is, "neither."

Yes, well, I never considered that.

Well, in that case, I'll just keep on bothering you.

[ Chuckles ]

See you at dinner.

Ah, wait. Eh, before you go,

could you do me one small favor?

What now?

Would you scratch three?

Ahh.

Wait a minute.

Now, seven is itching. -Oh.

I should've put numbers on the front.

♪♪

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?

Oh, yes, operator.

Are you ready with my call to San Francisco?

Thank you.

Uh, hello, Rose?

It's Barry.

Well, so far, so good.

Rose, will you stop worrying?

I'll pull it off for you -- believe me.

Look. I did this when I first started out in show business

10 years ago.

Now, you listen to me.

If the doctor says you're to spend two more weeks in bed,

that's exactly what you're gonna do.

Rose, you need the money from this gig.

Look. Later on, when things get better,

well, so you owe me one.

Yeah. Well, what are friends for?

I mean --

[ knock on door ]

Just a second!

I got to go. There's somebody at the door.

Keep taking your medicine.

Who is it? -Steward.

Steward.

Gorgeous.

You're not the steward. -Oh, yes, I am.

That's my middle name -- radford Stewart harcourt.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, radford, you are a scam.

Lovely roses for a lovely Rose.

I even had the thorns taken off.

[ Chuckles ] How sweet. Thank you.

May I come in?

Well, I'm hardly dressed.

Oh, I won't look.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, you are a naughty boy.

[ Laughs ]

We'll, uh, we'll see you later, all right?

Rose, I still have your flowers.

♪♪

Here you go, Jaime. I hope this'll cool you off.

Well... You're gonna spoil me.

A woman should be spoiled.

Ooh.

Beware of captains bearing fruit drinks.

Ah. I think you'll like this.

It's, uh, pineapple juice, papaya nectar,

coconut milk, and cream.

Ooh, that drink must have 10,000 calories.

Oh, I didn't think about that.

I did.

The Adam bricker special --

plain, pure mineral water from natural, running Springs --

no calories, no carbohydrates --

and no taste.

Merrill, how would I find out

if there's been a message for me?

It'll be in the radio room.

If you like, I'll check on the way back to my office.

Oh, I'd appreciate that.

I'm sweating out an appointment for a final interview.

-Oh, it sounds important. -It is.

Whoever lands this commercial assignment

moves up to supermodel.

-Ooh. -Ooh.

Right up there with Cheryl tiegs and christie Brinkley.

Ooh, that's major league.

And major money.

I've got to be absolutely perfect for this interview.

Looks to me like you already are.

Yuck.

I mean, perfect doesn't include pudgy thighs.

I don't think you should be so hard on myself.

Well, if I'm not,

I'll wind up modeling for cute and chubette.

The buffet's on the lido deck, right down that corridor.

Have fun.

-Oh, miss McCoy. -Yes?

You haven't, by chance, seen miss York, have you?

Rose? No, not since we boarded.

I have seen her since then.

I can't wait to see her again.

[ Laughs ]

-Miss McCoy. -Yes?

My name is Barry corwin.

I had an ideal childhood.

I love my mother and my father.

And my only character defect

is an uncontrollable attraction

to a lovely woman like yourself.

Why, thank you.

Why do I get the feeling that we've met before?

Well, probably because

you've been dreaming about me for years.

♪♪

Excuse me. Are you the jungle mystery lady?

Are you the king of the beasts?

I could be.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, how's my timing for a dinner invitation?

Not so good.

Merrill already invited me.

Oh, that's it.

If merrill gets dinner, I get dancing.

It's a date.

All right.

Jaime, what is all this?

Looks like you've cornered the market on diet aids.

Well, you know what they say --

you can never be too rich or too thin.

You know what else they say --

too much medication can be hazardous to your health.

Adam, they're nonprescription. They're very mild.

Yeah, but they do have medication in them, Jaime.

On camera, Adam, a pound can make the difference

between tres chic and chipmunk cheeks.

[ Laughs ]

Well, as long as you don't use them too often.

Word of honor -- only when it's absolutely necessary.

Okay. End of lecture.

The king of the beasts will see you later.

I'm looking forward to it.

[ Growls ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Attention, please.

Late-seating dinner

is now being served in the coral dining room.

♪♪

Glad you chose to have dinner with me tonight.

Chose? What else could I do?

You kept calling me on the phone and knocking on my door.

I had to knock on your door.

You weren't answering your telephone.

Yes, well, a quick little dinner,

and then I have to go back to my cabin.

Maybe for a little nightcap?

On second thought,

maybe we'll go dancing after dinner.

Is something the matter?

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't get you.

Well, we've almost gotten through the meal,

and you haven't tried to sell me anything.

Ah, good. Your milk is here.

I didn't order any milk.

Uh, thank you. You may pour it now.

Water. I...

[ Cow moos ]

So that's what you're trying to sell me.

I am not trying to sell you anything.

I am merely trying to sell the children of america

good health and nutrition

when the mothers fill this pitcher with milk

and then pour it.

[ Cow moos ]

Well, what do you think?

Noooooo.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, merrill. Just to set the record straight,

you get dinner, and I get dancing.

Right?

Right.

I love this attention.

Oh, then a bit more is in order.

Perhaps you'd enjoy a stroll on deck with me later

right after dancing with Adam, of course.

Thank you, merrill. I'd love that.

What is this?

Is there something wrong?

Uh, it looks like just about everything.

That list of restrictions I gave you

specified no sauces, no starches, and no fats.

And this chicken wasn't skinned,

and it's swimming in cream sauce.

And those are French-fried potatoes.

Would you please take it off? I can't stand to look at it.

Uh, please, uh, bring miss Sloane another dinner

and see that it is properly prepared

according to the specifications she gave the kitchen.

I apologize for this mix-up.

I don't mean to be a problem.

It's just I do have to be careful.

Well, we all do.

I know I do. It's a constant battle.

Usually won by the spaghetti.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

I guess things'll ease up after the pressure's off

and the competition's over.

Well, that's just it.

Competition is never over.

♪♪

Helen, you're a terrific dancer.

Thank you. I haven't danced in years.

I've been so wrapped up in my business.

In fact, I've not really relaxed in a long time.

So, how does it feel?

Oh, it feels good.

You know something?

You're nice when you're not selling anything.

You know something?

You're even nice when you're not buying anything.

[ Laughs ]

But I'm afraid you're not gonna have

too much chance to relax on this cruise.

Oh? Why not?

Because falling in love usually takes a lot of time.

Excuse me. Have either of you seen Barry corwin?

I don't even know a Barry corwin.

Hmm, well, I do.

Mm. Sounds like you had a very pleasant day.

Mm-hmm. And I'm looking forward

to an even more pleasant evening.

Where is this guy? I've got to meet him.

You will if I can ever find him.

♪♪

Do you always overwhelm the ladies?

Oh, on the contrary, most women bore me.

A few, I find entertaining,

but it's only once in a lifetime I meet someone like you.

[ Laughs ] Oh, you are a flatterer.

Oh, not at all. Not at all.

Beneath all of this frivolity, glitter, and charm,

I'm a very serious man.

I've known a lot of women from monte Carlo to New York,

but no one like you, Rose.

You're different.

Radford, you are a very persuasive gentleman,

but I also am a very serious woman.

Oh, that's great. We're both serious...

Yes.

...because I take love seriously.

Love?

I can wait.

It'll happen to you too.

Careful. You'll get frown lines on your pretty face.

How bad can it be?

It's nothing, really.

You're right.

For a woman your size,

92 pounds is practically nothing.

Well, thin is in.

Besides, my career depends on it.

All right, but being too underweight

can seriously damage your health.

You know something?

You're right.

And I'm awfully glad you brought it up.

As soon as this interview is over,

I'll put on a few pounds.

I promise.

Uh, Jaime.

Oh, look at the time.

I've got to go.

Hey, cinderella.

You forgot both your slippers.

Oh, thanks.

♪♪

I'm glad I finally ran into you, Julie.

Well, I was kind of hoping I'd run into you too.

Where have you been?

Well, I, uh, I fell overboard for a couple hours,

and I didn't want to make a fuss.

Ah.

Well, I like the strong, silent type.

Actually, I've been pretty busy myself.

Oh? Doing what?

Well, as cruise director, I have a lot of things to do.

I have to make sure all the passengers are happy.

I have to arrange for Rose York's performance

in the acapulco lounge tomorrow night.

I --

do you think she's gonna be any good?

Well, I've never seen her perform,

but she's got a great personality.

Better than mine?

Well, I think you're both kind of cute

in different ways, of course.

Listen. Uh, I know this is awfully sudden,

but, uh...

Could I have a kiss?

Uh, just in case I fall overboard again?

Well, it is sudden,

but you do look a little clumsy.

♪♪

Helen, you're a remarkable woman.

I really admire you.

You're successful, intelligent, witty.

Oh, keep it up. I love it.

You're sexy.

You're crazy.

Ah. Just what I always wanted.

Crazy sex.

Oh, that was nice.

Oh. I almost forgot.

I've got a present for you

perfume. How sweet.

Thank you.

Smell it.

I don't smell anything.

Exactly.

That's the beauty of it.

It's for women who are allergic to perfume

but want to spend a lot of money.

I think it should go for about $10 an ounce.

What do you think?

What do I think?

I think 10 seconds from now,

you are gonna be standing here alone.

You are, without a doubt,

the most self-centered, irritating salesman

that I have ever known in my entire life.

And I could go on and on,

but your 10 seconds are up.

Use that if you're tired of smelling like fish.

Forget it. It's unscented.

She's got me talking to fish.

Aha!

What are you doing trying to get into Rose's room?

Oh, I get it now.

You're the reason why she left me so early tonight.

I beg your pardon.

Don't -- don't act dumb with me.

Come on. Let's go in and let her choose between us.

Oh, no. No, no, no. You can't go in there.

What do you -- what do you mean, I can't?

Put up your Dukes.

What's going on?

What's going on?

I -- I'll tell you what's going on.

He is Rose's lover.

No, no.

He even has a key to her cabin.

No, no.

Julie, that's not what it looks like.

Oh, yes, it is. That's the key.

No. Let me explain.

Don't bother.

And from now on,

you don't have to fall overboard accidentally

because I'll push you.

♪♪

Oh. It's you, Adam.

I was expecting Jaime.

I know. That's why I'm here.

I would wish that Jaime and I got a little more privacy.

Merrill, I've been doing some research.

I think that Jaime had --

merrill, Adam.

Good morning, passengers.

Our delicious breakfast buffet

is now being served on the starlite deck.

Julie. Hi.

Hello, Rose.

Won't you join me?

No, thank you.

I have some business to attend to.

You seem upset, Julie.

Is something wrong?

Well, actually, I am upset.

But it's my personal problem,

and I'll just have to work it out.

Well, I'm sure you will, dear.

By the way, have you seen Mr. Corwin this morning,

a Barry corwin?

No, I haven't. Why do you ask?

Well, the dear boy was supposed to bring me

my little cloisonné pillbox that I keep my saccharine in.

Yes, I left it on the table yesterday

while we were having coffee.

Yesterday?

Yes, it's practically a family heirloom, you see,

and he was supposed to drop it off last night.

I even gave him my key

so he could leave it in my cabin.

Oh, no. I probably scared him off.

What's that, dear?

Nothing.

You know something...

I wish Barry could meet a nice girl like you.

That's what he needs.

The two of you would be perfect together.

Excuse me.

I think I owe someone a very big apology.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Hi, Jaime.

Hello.

You rest well?

Yes. Thank you.

Oh, good. You're feeling better, huh?

Oh, much.

I'm sure it was simply too much excitement in one day.

Great.

Is that all you've had, black coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Jaime, you can't fluff this off any longer.

I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

All right, when you fainted last night,

that was just one symptom of many

of a very complex and potentially dangerous illness.

Adam, I think you're blowing this whole thing

out of proportion.

Jaime, you have the classic symptoms

of anorexia nervosa.

You could be literally starving yourself to death.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, I checked you after you fainted last night.

Your temperature, blood pressure, and pulse

were dangerously low,

and you're very underweight.

I don't have to listen to this.

Oh, yes, you do. Jaime, Jaime.

Your obsession with weight and staying thin is...

It's all part of the disease.

In fact, your need to be thin

is what triggered the anorexia.

Models have to be thin.

Not to the degree you're trying to be.

Jaime, listen to me, please.

Every year, people die of anorexia.

Dr. Bricker, may I remind you

that you are not my physician?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

In the meantime,

I suggest you keep your opinion to yourself.

[ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hi.

Uh, I'm sorry about last night.

Forget it.

Look. Sometimes, I do dumb things.

But I want you to know that I...

Well, I really was enjoying you last night,

more than enjoying you. I was...

Will you stop selling?

For a minute there,

I actually thought that you were somebody

that I could really care about.

But last night, I realized that you were just using me,

and I hate to be used.

Helen --

look.

I know that you're a novelty salesman.

But for me, the novelty has worn off.

♪♪

Buenos dias, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the glorious port of mazatlán,

famous for its sun-drenched beaches

and romantic hideaways.

Enjoy your day.

And remember, we sail at 9:00 tonight.

If you're not back by then, you're a permanent resident.

Oh, Barry, just the man I'm looking for.

I'd like to apologize for last night.

Well, you didn't give me a chance to explain.

You see, all I wanted to do was bring --

I know. I talked to Rose,

and she told me everything.

Forgive me?

Well, not only do I forgive you,

but, uh...

I want to kiss and make up

and then kiss and make up again

and then kiss and make up again.

Not now. I've got some work to do.

But you can take me to the lounge

to see Rose perform tonight.

Well, uh, couldn't we find something else to do?

Well, maybe later,

but we do have to go and see Rose's show.

We don't want to disappoint her.

I'll meet you there.

-Oh. -Oh. [ Laughs ]

I'm sorry, merrill. I didn't see you.

It's a clear case of reckless jogging.

What are you doing jogging?

You're supposed to be taking it easy.

I am today.

I'm only running 8 miles instead of 10.

Oh.

Yes, but Adam said that you should...

You talked to Adam today?

No, last night.

But feels you should ease up,

you know, relax more, diet less.

Merrill, you don't understand the business.

A model can never ease up.

-Excuse me, sir. -Yes?

Jaime, this cablegram just came for you.

Oh, thanks, gopher.

It's from my agent.

I didn't get it.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't even make finals.

Well, it's only one assignment.

I'm sure there'll be others.

It wasn't only one assignment.

It was the assignment.

♪♪

Walter. You're all alone? Where's Helen?

Probably hiding from me.

And I'm hiding from her with a little help from the bar.

Ah, well, excuse me for butting in, Walter,

but I've never seen a romantic problem

solved by a stiff drink or two.

You're right.

It'll probably take a dozen or more.

Nah.

I hate intoxicated people.

The drunk light.

Runs on alcohol.

How did you do that?

Huh?

Do what? Oh, that.

Yes, well, it's no trick.

You see, if a person's blood

has more than 1/10 of 1% of alcohol in it,

it lights up.

Hey. That's terrific.

I invented it.

Every bar should have one of those.

It could save a lot of accidents.

That was my thought.

Listen. Could I have one of those for here?

Sure.

If you like, I'll send you down a couple more.

Thanks a lot, Walter.

See ya, Walter.

Isaac, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think I'm beginning to see the light.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Hi, Rose.

More flowers?

Well, I know I'm not you're only admirer,

and I just thought all these flowers

might tip the scales in my favor.

Listen, radford,

I'm a little nervous about this evening's performance.

So if you don't mind, I'd re--

Rose, you don't have to be nervous about tonight.

You're going to be fabulous.

Even if you're not that great,

I'll be there.

What I mean is, if you go out there and sing

and they just stare at you, I'll be there.

Even if you sing your heart out tonight

and they boo you off the stage,

[ chuckles ] I'll be there.

How can you be there if you don't get out of here?

Before I go, one little kiss first.

[ Knock on door ]

Just a moment.

Come on. Just one kiss.

Radford, you've got to leave.

Julie.

Hi, Rose.

Hi.

All right.

But remember, if I'm not here,

I'll be there.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

I hope I didn't come at a bad time.

Oh, no. No.

Uh, you came at a great time, Julie.

You just saved my lipstick

from being smeared all over my face.

[ Laughs ]

He was making me late.

Well, I must hurry and get ready.

Yes, the place is gonna be packed.

Oh, good.

Here. Let me help you.

Now, what dress would you like to wear, Rose?

Julie, don't.

So Barry's just a friend.

Julie ---

oh, I get it.

Barry brought so many clothes

he just didn't have enough room in his own closet.

It's still hard to understand, Adam.

One minute, Jaime was fine.

And the next, she blew up at me.

Well, sudden outbursts and extreme mood swings

are typical of anorexia.

Well, isn't there anything we can do for her?

I'm afraid not.

As long as she keeps denying the anorexia,

there's nothing anyone can do.

There must be some way we can convince her.

Jaime!

I need help.

What is it?

I have pain.

Ladies, and gentlemen, we've just lifted anchor

and are setting a course for home,

the port of Los Angeles.

Join us later tonight in the acapulco lounge,

where we're featuring the fabulous miss Rose York.

You're okay, Jaime, for now.

You're a lucky girl, Jaime.

Oh, yes.

But the stress of overdieting and strenuous exercise

has taken its toll.

The chest pains were a warning.

Next time...

You mean I could have a heart attack?

It could happen.

I thought that, if I were thin enough,

the thinnest,

that I'd be better, the best,

and everybody would love me.

But then, I -- I couldn't stop.

I tried to stop dieting, but I couldn't.

[ Crying ] You must think I'm a fool.

No, no.

It's just that you wanted something so much

you lost sight of what you were doing.

[ Cries ]

I'm...frightened.

I don't know if I can beat anorexia.

It can be done.

I'm betting on you.

♪♪

♪♪

Hi, Isaac.

Hi, gopher.

Golly, what the heck is this?

Oh, something I found in my travels.

It's a drunk light.

Oh, I get it.

This is what a drunk uses to find his way home.

No, gopher. Uh, put it in your mouth.

What?

Come on.

Put it in your mouth.

Oh, come on, Isaac. What is this, some kind of joke?

I'm serious, gopher. Open your mouth and put it in.

Okay.

See? You're not drunk. You're sober.

But when a person's blood has, mm,

more than 1/10 of 1% alcohol,

it lights up.

Isaac, are you making sport of me?

No, gopher.

Watch this.

[ Clears throat ]

Excuse me, sir,

but, uh, would you put this in your mouth?

What is this? A light snack?

No, sir. Would you try that?

Surely.

Ah. No, sir.

The other end.

Oh.

That's incredible.

Yeah. That guy could light up a city.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, I could sell a million of those.

Where did you get it?

We thought you'd never ask.

♪♪

Julie, where's that guy, Barry,

we've been hearing you talk so much about?

Yeah. I thought you were gonna bring him to the show.

We haven't even met him yet.

Well, you're a lot luckier than I am.

Excuse me. I've got to get this show on the road.

[ Drumroll ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Princess is proud to present

the belle of San Francisco,

that chanteuse fatale,

Ms. Rose York.

[ Applause ]

♪♪

♪ all of me ♪

♪ why not take all of me ♪

♪ can't you see ♪

♪ I'm no good without you ♪

♪ take my lips ♪

♪ I want to lose them ♪

♪ take these arms ♪

♪ I'll never use them ♪

♪ your goodbye ♪

♪ left me with eyes that cry ♪

♪ why can't I ♪

♪ get along without you? ♪

♪ You took the part ♪

♪ that once was my heart ♪

♪ so why not take all of me ♪

Jean stapleton.

[ As Jean stapleton ] ♪ all of me ♪

♪ why not take all of me, Archie ♪

♪ can't you see ♪

♪ I'm just a mess without you ♪

[ Normal voice ] Carol Channing.

[ As Carol Channing ] ♪ you took the part ♪

♪ that once was my heart ♪

[ Normal voice ] This is me.

♪ So why not ♪

♪ why not ♪

Barry.

♪ Why not take all of me? ♪

[ Applause ]

♪♪

Hi.

Oh. Hello.

Would you put this in your mouth, please?

What?

Isaac and gopher gave me this bulb

because it lights up when you're drunk.

And I want to make sure that you're sober

when you hear what I have to say.

Forget it.

Walter, this bulb is extremely commercial.

As soon as we get back, I'll have a contract drawn.

It should make you a lot of money.

I am not interested.

If you want it, I'll give it to you.

But I will never, ever again

try to sell you anything, ever.

Okay.

Besides, it's already accomplished

what I wanted it to.

It gave me a good excuse to come and find you.

You know, Walter,

i have been working on a little novelty of my own,

and I was wondering

if you would give me your professional opinion on it.

Sure. What is it?

A new kind of kiss.

A new kind of what?

Here. Try it.

Well?

I'm not sure.

[ Chuckles ]

Why don't we start off with an order of, uh,

say, 1,000?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I forgot.

You're on vacation.

Walter, business before pleasure.

♪♪

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

we hope you've enjoyed your cruise.

Please have your passports ready when debarking.

And again, thanks for sailing with us.

♪♪

Barry, you were one of the best acts

we've ever had in the lounge.

You sure fooled me.

Well, there's no business like show business.

Do you think you could do a return engagement?

Well, you have to remember, Julie,

I mean, I'm not the real Rose.

Well, I meant a return engagement with me.

I thought maybe we could go together to hear the real Rose.

You bet.

Ah.

I hope this doesn't mean

we won't ever see each other again.

I'll write.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Jaime. Uh, Dr. Alan holsted's number.

He specializes in anorexia

and has a very impressive rate of success.

You'll be in good hands.

Thank you, Adam.

I called my agent this morning.

Want to hear a little irony?

I lost the job because I was too thin.

I'm gonna put a hold on my career

until I've got this --

till I have my illness under control.

I think that's a wise decision.

I'm gonna miss you both.

I'm sorry I messed everything up.

Oh, please. You didn't.

Tell me something just to satisfy my curiosity.

In the race for Jaime Sloane's affection,

who was ahead -- merrill or me?

It was a dead heat.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

-Well, Isaac... -Ah, Walter.

...gopher, thank you for a very inventive cruise.

You're welcome.

What's that, one of your novelty items?

Oh, no. This is my cigar.

-Smells like perfume. -That's right.

It's for women who like to smoke cigars

but hate the smell.

Should sell for about...

$5.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪