Original subtitles

[Music playing]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[Mysterious music]

[Chatter]

Gopher: Bye-bye.

So long.

Sir?

Frank fenimore, private investigator.

What can we do for you, sir?

I'm looking for a young woman.

Who isn't?

Her name is Doris Holden.

I have information that she's booked on this cruise.

Doris Holden.

Uh, we don't have anybody listed by that name, sir.

That figures.

She's probably using an alias.

What does she want it for?

Oh, I read about this.

This is a big juicy divorce case.

Frank fenimore: She works for state senator kadden.

Now she knows everything there is to know about this case.

The only problem is she's been ducking me for weeks.

Well, if she is coming aboard, she's going

to have to use that gangway.

If she thinks she's gonna give me this slip this time,

she's got another thing coming.

Mirror, mirror in her hand.

The fair Julie expect a man?

No, just something in my eye.

Yeah, anticipation.

Come on, you can tell me.

All right.

His name is Steve, and according to my friend Sandy,

he's a real catch.

If he's such a catch, why doesn't Sandy grab him?

Sandy's a guy.

And from what he tells me, Steve has everything-- looks,

personality, intelligence.

- And you believe him? - Sure.

He told Steve the same things about me.

Excuse me.

Julie McCoy?

Yes, how do you do?

I'm a friend of Sandy's.

You're Steve?

No, Leonard gluck.

Steve got sick, so he couldn't make it.

Oh.

But I heard so many nice things about you, Julie,

that I bought his ticket.

I had to go and hawk to get the money.

But it looks like you are worth it, even at 11% interest.

[Chuckles]

How flattering.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

No, no, of course not.

Leonard: Good.

Because I don't get a lot of dates.

Now that's hard to believe.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got something for you.

[Zipping]

Oh, thank you.

I found those in the back of the cab.

Lucky for me.

Careful, Julie, this guy's a real charmer.

[Giggles]

That's right.

Well, I better go get settled.

[Giggles]

[Speaks poor French]

[Giggles] One word out of you, and it'll be your last.

[Chatter]

May I help you, young lady?

Oh, uh, no thank you.

My big sister's taken care of everything.

Oh, there she is now.

Bye.

Bye.

Wow.

This cruise is going to be outrageous.

- Excuse me. - Oop.

What's your rush?

Come on.

I think you and I should get to know each other.

Oh, wow, you and me together?

Wow, that would really be neato mosquito.

Jerry: For sure.

Your face is cute, but, gee, your outfit's prehistoric.

Oh, well, um, this is what all the kids wear at school.

Mm, I can dig it.

What's your name?

Dor-- um, deedee.

All the kids at the video arcade call me deedee.

Well, I'm Jerry.

Hi.

Like, maybe we can party later?

What cabin are you in?

Well, that's for me to know, for you to find out.

Bye.

Ah, to be 15.

You are, gopher, twice.

Ok, all checked in, son.

Great, dad.

While you were gone, I met the cutest little fox.

- Already? - Uh-huh.

Let's hope your old man can get as lucky.

[Inaudible].

Right. Bye-bye.

[Chatter]

Mr. and Mrs. Bakers.

We have cabin 132 on fiesta deck.

Welcome aboard.

I'm captain stubing, and this is my daughter, Vicki.

How do you do?

I'm certain I've seen your face before.

[Laughs] You see?

You're becoming more famous than Johnny Carson.

My husband's done a lot of talk shows

because he won the book club prize

for the best novel of the year.

Oh, now I remember.

You're Daniel baker, the author of that beautiful new book,

"many years from now."

Oh, you've read it?

Well, no, not yet, but I've heard you

talk about it on television.

It's one of the best written books I've ever heard about.

[Chuckling]

You can take the elevator to the fiesta deck.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

Excuse me, Mr. Baker.

Would you autograph my copy?

Yeah.

My celebrity.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

You bet.

Isn't that your secretary?

Oh, uh, Ellen, I didn't tell you before because I knew

you'd get upset, but I invited Wendy

to come on the cruise with us.

You're right.

I am upset.

I owed her something for all the long unpaid hours

she's put in.

Come on, meet her with a smile.

You meet her with a smile.

I'm going down to our room and make myself very seductive.

Then, I want to get down there just as quickly as you can,

so you can repay me for the lonely unpaid hours

that I've put in.

Wendy.

Oh, I couldn't get a cab.

I didn't think I was going to make it.

Might have been better if you didn't.

Ellen is very upset that you're coming with us.

Oh, she is?

Well, just remember, Dan, I can upset a lot more things

in your life than just Ellen.

Gopher: Well, Mr. fenimore, maybe you're

just wrong about Doris Holden being on board.

Could be.

Look, just in case she did give us the slip here,

there's $500 in it for you if you

will find her and let me know.

$500?

You got it.

[Chatter]

Sherlock Smith at your service, sir.

[Horn blowing]

Doris Holden: Well, deedee, you had a short life

but an important one.

[Knocking]

Jerry: Open up, little fox.

Your dude is here.

Jerry, oh know.

(In little girl voice) Um, Jerry, could

you please go away?

Um, I'm not dressed.

Awesome.

(In little girl voice) Um, Jerry,

I think I'm gonna stay in the cabin,

because I've got a headache.

What a bummer.

Hey, maybe I can call the doctor,

and he'll bring you some aspirin.

(In little girl voice) Oh, no, no, no, no, that's ok.

Um, you know, actually, i'm feeling a whole lot better.

Um, you know how it is when you're a kid.

You heal fast.

Uh, how about I meet you up on the deck?

Well, sure, but hurry.

[Sighs]

Leonard: Boo!

[Yelps]

I got you there, didn't I?

Oh, you sure did.

Yeah, I'm full of surprises.

Oh.

Back in school, I was voted second

runner-up for class clown.

How very impressive.

Thank you.

[Splashing]

Well, now that you know a little bit about me,

why don't you tell me something about you?

Where are you from?

Well, I grew up in Oregon.

You're from Oregon?

Boy, what a coincidence.

Are you from Oregon?

No, Ohio.

We're both from states that begin with an "o."

That's got to mean something.

[Chuckles]

It must.

Gee, Leonard, I'd love to stay and chat with you,

but I've got a lot of work to do.

Oh, well, if I could solve the unemployment problem every time

I want to talk to somebody, they'd suddenly

have a lot of work to do.

Well, I do.

I really do.

Well, I'll see ya.

I will.

[Splashing]

[Claps]

Hey, guys.

[Chuckles] Hey, over here.

[Sighs] Dan.

Dan come out here for a minute.

Well, well.

I told you I was going to make myself very seductive.

This is it.

What do you think?

Well, do you mean seductive "to persuade to disobedience"

or do you mean seductive "to lead astray"?

I think more of the second--

in fact, a lot more of the second.

[Phone ringing]

Yes?

Oh, hello, Wendy.

Uh, ok, I'll meet you on the lido deck a little later.

All right, all right.

I'll be right up.

[Phone clicks]

I have to go.

Wendy's arranged a telephone interview

with a publisher who's interested in my new book.

Now?

Well, it's important.

Well, it better be important, because it's interrupting what

I thought was very important.

Aren't we ever going to be alone together?

I'll be back soon.

Mm.

[Chatter, laughter]

[Splashing]

(In little girl voice) Take it easy, Jerry.

You'll melt the ice cream.

Gopher.

Hm?

If the private eye could not find Doris Holden,

what makes you think you can?

Because I'm like a bloodhound.

Once I'm on the scent, nothing can stop me.

You know, rover, I think you're

barking up the wrong tree.

Could be.

But if you help me, I'll split the $500 with you.

$500?

[Chatter, splashing, laughter]

So this is the reason I've barely seen

my son since we came aboard.

Deedee, this is my dad, Phil Howard.

(In little girl voice) Hi.

Delighted to meet you, deedee.

Jerry's said a lot of nice things about you.

And now I can see they're all true.

I told him you were really tubular.

(In little girl voice) Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Are you on board with your parents, deedee?

(In little girl voice) Yes.

Um, I mean, no-- uh, just my big sister.

Hey, I got this really rad idea.

Why don't you and your sister join us for dinner tonight?

(In little girl voice) Oh.

Uh.

Oh.

Um, we can't.

I'm sorry.

My big sister, she has that same headache that I had, ya know?

So I just thought I would take something in the cabin,

you know, because I hate eating in restaurants alone.

Well, now you're not going to be alone.

You'll join us, right?

(In little girl voice) Right.

Ah, this is the life.

I was born to be rich.

Right.

And I was born to be married.

[Splashing]

If I don't bet back to Ellen pretty soon I won't be anymore.

Go ahead.

I'll meet you both for dinner.

Uh, listen, Wendy, uh, Ellen won't want the three of us

to have dinner together.

Oh, she won't?

Then, I guess it'll just be you and me.

But be sure and tell Ellen she's welcome to join

us if she changes her mind.

Wendy, be sensible.

I'm sure there are a lot of men on board

who'd love to take you to dinner.

What if I asked Julie, the cruise director,

to introduce you to someone?

Dan, the day I met you I lost all desire to be

introduced to anyone else.

Anyway, if you didn't want to spend your time with me,

why did you invite me on this cruise in the first place?

You know very well why.

Oh, yes.

And we don't want Ellen to know, do we?

By the way, I saw this lovely watch in the gift shop.

I told the sales lady you'd be in to buy it for me.

[Sighs] I'll see you at dinner.

You can sign up for this tomorrow morning.

Hi, Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, Julie, I have some messages for you.

Oh, I didn't know I was so popular.

Who are they from?

Well, this is from a guy named Leonard.

And this is from Leonard too.

And so is this one.

In fact, they're all from Leonard.

Who is this guy?

Leonard: Julie!

See for yourself.

Boy, I haven't heard from you all day.

Yeah, well, that's because I really haven't

had time to take a break.

Hey, listen, I figured that since we were kind

of fixed up maybe you'd like to have dinner with me

in my cabin--

little candlelight, some music, maybe a couple of brews.

Well, gee, thanks, Leonard.

That's awfully sweet of you.

But I generally dine with the captain at his table.

Oh, and I'm not good enough for the captain's table?

No, no, I didn't mean--

I don't want you to feel obligated,

but I did take a bus 348 miles to meet you.

Leonard, you didn't let me finish.

I wanted to invite you to join me at the captain's

table as my guest.

Ah, that sounds like fun.

Boy, I can't wait to tell the captain all

about my sea shell collection.

[Rattling]

[Chatter]

Well, this is certainly better than eating alone, huh?

I hope your sister feels better in the morning.

Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but haven't I

seen you somewhere before?

(In little girl voice) Um, I don't think so.

Well, I never forget a face.

(In little girl voice) Uh, well, I

go to humboldt girl school.

Did you go to our junior prom?

No, my tux was at the cleaners.

[Chuckling]

But really, you--you look familiar to me.

Hey, look, like it's highly unlikely,

so why don't you just take my advice and pack it, huh?

Phil: Jerry, there's no need to be rude.

I think you have deedee mixed up with someone else.

Ok.

In that case, I'll just pack it.

Later, dude.

There you go.

Thank you.

I still can't get used to signing my name for people.

It embarrasses me.

It doesn't embarrass me.

I love it.

For years, I've been listening to my sister

Gloria brag about her husband.

Now even she will know that my husband is more successful

than her husband will ever be.

If that sounds infantile, then i'm

just the proudest, happiest wife in her playpen.

[Giggles]

- Good evening. - Oh.

Oh, hello, Wendy.

Hi.

Yeah, I guess with one thing and another,

I forgot to tell you I asked Wendy to join us.

Yes, I guess you did.

Well, I'm so pleased that you could join us, Wendy.

Thank you, Ellen.

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.

And I certainly don't have a good excuse.

I just got this lovely new watch.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Wendy: Thank you.

Dan gave it to me for all those nights we worked overtime.

Vicki told me you invited a date to dinner tonight.

Julie, you sly fox, you-- you never told us

you had a new man in your life.

Some things are better kept secret.

[Spritzing]

Well, this must be the place.

Hi, everybody. - Hi.

Evening.

Hi.

Well, Leonard, that is some Cologne you are wearing.

Oh, you noticed.

Well, at $2.99 a quart, it better be.

[Chuckles]

How much did he pay for that?

I've never had a smell close up my ears before.

So, what kind of grub we got tonight?

It's our chef's special Caesar salad.

Mm, looks great.

Mhm.

Boy, I remember the last time I had Caesar salad.

There I was ready to take a big old bite,

and what comes crawling out of the lettuce but the ugliest

looking bug I have ever seen.

Just goes to show you, you never know what you're getting.

[Music playing]

[Applause]

I didn't know you'd mind.

I thought you liked Wendy.

I do like Wendy in her place, which I think

is about 300 nautical miles from here.

I know how you've been looking forward to this cruise.

What I can't understand is why you

thought it was necessary to invite her along with us.

Oh, I know, I know--

to repay her for all of those nights she worked.

Well, she did.

Well, you also gave her an expensive watch

for those same nights.

What did she do all of those nights?

What are you implying, that I've been unfaithful?

I'm not implying anything.

But you did give her a watch and a cruise.

Hey, what's the matter with you two letting all

that great music go to waste?

Come on, Dan, dance with me.

Uh--

that is, of course, if, uh, Ellen doesn't mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, i'm going back to the cabin

to go to sleep.

But it's still early.

Oh, it is?

Well, of course, you and Wendy would know more about what time

it is than I do.

[Music playing, chatter]

You know, like this music is, like, totally lame.

You can't even pogo to it.

Deedee?

Deedee?

(In little girl voice) Oh, huh, what?

Do you think the music is totally lame?

(In little girl voice) Oh, no, I think it's very romantic.

I mean, um, I think it's tubular, totally.

Well, I think it's a shame for such a pretty girl

to just sit here when there's tubular music playing.

Someone should be a gentleman and ask deedee to dance.

(In little girl voice) Well, I'd love to, Mr. Howard.

Thank you.

That is, of course, if you don't mind, Jerry.

Oh, no, no. Go ahead.

Knock yourself out.

Wow, you're a big girl for your age.

(In little girl voice) Oh, um, wheat germ.

Does wonders for building bodies.

[Chuckles]

(In little girl voice) Um, Mr. Howard,

is there a Mrs. Howard anywhere around?

No, no.

My marriage was shot down in the divorce courts years ago.

Aw, well, that's too bad.

[Fake giggles]

Boy, that was fun.

[Applause]

Let's do it again.

Oh no, Leonard.

You said just one.

Besides, if I kept you all to myself,

it wouldn't be fair to the other ladies.

Who said life was fair?

[Fake giggles]

Look, why don't we get a drink?

Oh, that sounds nice.

I think I could use one right.

Great.

While you're up, you want to get me a rum and coke?

You get them for free, don't you?

[Fake giggles]

(In little girl voice) Oh, oh, um, I got to go.

It's really way past my bedtime.

Thank you very much.

Um, will you say goodnight to Jerry for me, please?

Bye.

You are coming in for a nightcap, aren't you?

Oh, I don't think so.

Dan, I wasn't asking you.

I was telling you.

[Clinking]

You don't think i'm bluffing, do you?

Wendy, I don't know if you're bluffing or not.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be taking you on cruises,

buying you watches, and dancing with you

while my wife, whom I love very much, is in our cabin alone.

Please come in for just one drink.

No, Wendy, this can't go on.

Dan, this is not only going to go on,

it's only just getting started.

[Giggles] And if you don't like it,

darling Dan, you should have thought of all that before you

lifted four entire chapters almost word

for word from some forgotten book

and plagiarized them for your own prize-winning novel.

[Sighs]

Now, would you like to come in for a nightcap?

[Door closes]

I was looking for the most deserted part of the ship,

but it looks like you beat me to it.

You look like a young lady I just met.

Oh.

[Giggles] I don't know.

I know-- you're deedee's sister.

That's right. I am.

I'm deedee's sister.

- Phil Howard. - Hi.

Doris.

Nice to meet you.

I feel as though we're old friends.

[Laughs] Yeah, so do I. I--

I guess it's us both knowing deedee and all.

You don't mind if I hold onto this just for luck.

Well, [giggles] Uh, i--i gotta go.

Doris, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean any--

was that her?

I think so.

Too bad we couldn't get closer.

Looks like we missed our big chance.

Looks like he did too.

Oh no.

Oh, looks like our Casanova's waiting

for some moonlight romance.

Doc, he's driving me crazy.

I don't know what to do.

Well, take it from a doctor--

when you have a pain, get rid of it.

You're right.

It's time I lowered the boom.

I just hope he doesn't take it too hard.

Leonard?

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Beautiful night, isn't it?

Mm.

All you can hear is they sea and the wind,

the sound of an occasional seagull.

[Caws]

Leonard, we have to talk.

About what?

About us.

Actually, Julie, i'm glad you brought that up.

Because there is something that I want to say to you.

Oh?

Sometimes when people meet on a blind date,

it's like magic, love at first sight, two totally different

personalities making a perfect combination, kind of

like knockwurst and Sauerkraut.

Leonard--

unfortunately, this isn't one of those times.

I think you're a really nice girl, Julie.

But to tell you the absolute honest truth,

you just don't do it for me.

Leonard-- what?

It's nothing personal.

I just don't find you attractive.

Let me get this straight.

Are you dropping me?

With a thud.

Don't take it too hard.

You're a young girl sort of.

I'm sure you'll find somebody else.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

You're not going to cry, are you?

Boy, I hate it when you drop a chick,

and she goes around blubbering all over the place.

Believe me, Leonard, I'm not going to blubber.

That's it.

Be strong.

You'll forget about me in time.

Ugh.

Aren't you coming to breakfast?

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

You're the writer.

You can supply the dialogue.

Aren't you coming to breakfast?

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

Because I spent the entire night waiting for you

while you danced with your secretary.

That's not true.

I had an idea for a new book.

And we went down to Wendy's cabin,

so she could take some notes.

Well, I'm sure that any notes that Wendy took last night

will never end up in a children's book.

Well, no matter how it looks, I've

never been unfaithful to you with Wendy or any other woman.

Now, come on.

Get dressed, and let's go have some breakfast.

Well, no.

As soon as we started on our ham and eggs,

Wendy would probably come up and ask you to dance.

[Door slams]

Well, Julie, how'd it go last night

with public nuisance number one?

Well, I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore.

Well, gee, I hope he didn't take it too hard.

Hi, doc.

Hi, Vicki.

Julie.

Hey, Vicki, what's green and black, and has 12 legs?

I don't know.

What?

I don't know either, but it's crawling up your arm.

[Gasps]

[Chuckles] [Inaudible] [Laughs]

[Fake laughs] Well, at least he's not depressed.

Wish I could say the same.

Listen, dad, man to man, how can you tell, like,

when you're really in love?

Well, that's a tough one, son.

I've learned to follow my stomach as well as my heart.

Your stomach?

Yeah.

When some people fall in love, they eat like crazy.

In my case, I can't eat a thing.

Well, I must be one of the crazy ones.

And if you're not eating anything--

[clinking]

See that guy over there in the red shirt?

Yeah.

That's the guy who was with Doris Holden last night.

Hey, gopher.

Hm?

I bet if we stick close to this guy,

he'll lead us right to her.

Yeah, not to mention the 500 smacker reward.

You're right.

[Chatter, clinking]

Hi.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to meet me 15 minutes ago.

[Sighs] Wendy, I've decided I'm not going to let

you blackmail me anymore.

It's ruining my marriage, which is the most

important thing in my life.

When you made your speech accepting your literary prize,

you said that was the most important thing in your life.

I wish I'd never written that novel.

As we both know, Dan, you didn't--

at least, not all of it.

All right, Wendy, how much money

do you want to stop blackmailing me once and for all?

Now I see why you had to steal someone else's book.

What do you mean?

I mean you're not as bright as I gave you credit for.

I don't want money.

I want to be married to a prize winner.

Vicki (on speaker): Good morning,

and welcome to Puerta vallarta, Mexico's answer to paradise.

We'll be in port all afternoon, so you'll

have plenty of time to take advantage

of all this charming town has to offer. Enjoy your day!

[Seagulls cawing]

Still feel bad about dumping Leonard, huh?

I'd really rather not talk about it, doc.

Well, he must be used to it.

Guys like him get rejected 12 times before lunch.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Am I attractive?

On a scale of one to 10, you're a definite three.

Of course you're attractive. Why?

Well, what about my personality?

Is there something missing?

Julie, what's this all about?

Are you all right?

I used to think I was all right.

I can't believe it.

Last night I was all set to let Leonard down easy.

But before I could, he rejected me.

You're kidding.

Julie: No.

Amazing.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing's the matter with you.

That's not what Leonard thinks.

Julie, you wanted to get rid of him.

So now that you have, consider it a blessing.

You're right.

Who cares why he isn't attracted to me?

I care.

Dad?

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize to Doris.

I may have come on too strong last night.

Well, you were lucky.

I didn't even get a shot.

That deedee, she turns me on to the Max.

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Phil: Doris, it's Phil.

Oh, Phil, how nice.

I'm also here to see deedee.

[Door slams]

Oh, Phil, I'm sorry.

I'm getting dressed.

Could I meet you up on the deck later?

Yeah.

Wonderful.

Well, when can I get to see you, deedee?

(In little girl voice) Um, Jerry?

Uh, you know, i'm not feeling so good.

I think I'm sick again.

Look, I'll just stay out here till you get better?

(In little girl voice) Aw, no.

Um, I'm sure I'll be better soon.

Can I meet you up on the deck later too?

Ok, ladies.

We'll be waiting.

[Whistling]

[Inaudible]

Hi, gentlemen.

Now we know which cabin she's in.

Now you know which cabin who's in?

[Inaudible]

Sir, there is a lady on board this ship

who was supposed to testify in a divorce case.

And a private detective offered

us $500 dollars to find her.

Well, I'll be offering you your walking

papers if you're not back on duty in exactly one minute

flat.

Just left, sir.

I don't suppose you'd be interested--

no.

[Seagulls cawing]

Hi, Leonard, would you like to go for a walk on deck?

Listen, lady, back off.

I tried to be nice to you last night and let you down easy,

so quit bugging me, ok?

Please.

Don't beg, Julie.

You're better than that.

I wasn't begging.

There are plenty of other guys on this ship.

You could find somebody else.

But please, for both of our sakes, quit chasing me.

[Clapping]

That was very good, Leonard.

Now if anyone else would like to audition for the ship's play,

you can sign up in the lobby.

[Applause]

[Rustling]

Ellen, uh-- why are you doing this?

Aren't you even going to answer me?

I'm getting off this ship and flying home.

Listen, Ellen, I know you won't believe me,

but I really have been working on a new idea with Wendy.

[Scoffs]

You know I never discuss my work

with you until I'm finished, but I'll tell you my idea.

Sit down a second.

What is it?

Well, this new plot I've got is

about a prize-winning novelist.

And without his wife knowing about it,

the novelist stole three or four chapters

from another novel that was published a long time ago.

And now, the novelist's secretary is blackmailing him.

And he-- and he can't tell his wife

because it's so humiliating and because he'd die if he

didn't have his wife's respect.

Well, what do you think?

It's a bit melodramatic.

Why don't you work on the ending?

Ellen.

[Rustling]

[Knocking]

Open sesame.

[Door closes]

I'm sorry to bother you, Leonard, but I have to.

I have to find out what it is about me

that you dislike so much.

Uh, Julie, don't get yourself crazy.

Let's just say you're not my type.

Let it go at that.

Well, what exactly is your type?

I happen to be an attractive, intelligent woman.

And there are a lot of men out there

who find me very desirable.

Oh, really?

[Chuckles]

Yes, really.

And besides that, a lot of them think I'm pretty damn sexy.

Sexy?

Yeah.

You said it, baby.

And I'm one of them.

What are you doing?

I think it's pretty obvious.

What's gotten into you?

Passion, my little mermaid.

Leonard.

Don't fight it, Julie.

It's in the stars.

You want to see stars?

Take one more step.

Julie, please stay, and I promise

this is a night you'll remember for the rest of your life.

I know.

That's why I'm leaving.

[Door slams]

Well, Doris Holden, alias deedee.

Ah, haha.

Well, I guess I can't stay 15 forever.

I'm afraid not.

Listen, before you call that detective,

would you please let me tell my side of the story?

- Huh. - Sounds fair to me.

Ok.

Ok.

Uh, I've been senator kadden's assistant

for the past five years.

I've become very close with both him and his wife.

And they've told me things in confidence

I would never reveal in court.

It would hurt them too much.

If you were me, what would you do?

Well, if it isn't the Hardy boys.

Is this the young lady you've been looking for?

No, sir.

On your wise advice, we gave up that assignment.

Yeah, sir, the lady in question

is not aboard this ship.

Well, I'm delighted.

Now I'll have the pleasure of having

my purser and chief barman back with me full time.

Oh, yes, in answer to your question,

the acapulco lounge is just around that way.

Thank you very much.

A right and then a left.

Well.

Julie (on speaker): We hope you enjoyed your day

in beautiful Puerta vallarta.

We expect clear skies and smooth sailing on our return trip

to Los Angeles.

Hi.

I've been on every deck on the ship twice.

I didn't think you were coming.

Oh, um, I got sidetracked.

It's a long story.

And I don't want to hear it.

You're here now, and that tells me everything I want to know.

Well, not everything.

You know, this is really grodie.

I've been on every deck on the ship,

and I can't find deedee anywhere.

Well, when you see her, tell her her sister

and I are going to be very close from now on.

Very, very close.

Hey, outrageous.

Hey, I wonder what deedee will say when

she finds out about you two.

[Sighs] I know exactly what she'll say.

(In little girl voice) Oh, wow, you and me?

That's like neato mosquito.

Come on.

The two of me will explain it to the two of you.

Oh, Julie.

[Door closes]

Julie, wait.

I'd like a chance to explain.

What's to explain, Leonard?

You're schizophrenic.

I don't blame you for being upset, but please hear me out.

All right, I'm listening.

You see, all my life, I've had this trouble with girls.

What kind of trouble?

They can't stand me.

High school, I had to pay a girl $50

just to go to my senior prom with me.

Our second date, she charged me $75.

Leonard.

It's all right.

I'm used to it.

Let's face it-- Robert redford I ain't.

But that's why I acted the way I did.

I don't understand.

See, a while back, I started noticing

that women were more attracted to men that they couldn't have.

So when it seemed that you didn't go for me,

I figured the only way to get you interested

was to reject you.

That way, I became kind of a challenge.

That's crazy.

Got you to come down to my cabin, didn't it?

Then, my animal instincts took over.

Boy, I'm really sorry, Julie.

You think you could ever forgive me?

I guess so.

I just couldn't help myself.

You looked so beautiful.

Then you do find me attractive.

Do I?

Aw, you knock me out.

You come any closer, and I will.

[Chuckles]

Ok.

Hello?

Ellen, I thought you'd left the ship.

No, I was thinking about the plot for your new book,

about the plagiarizing novelist.

Uh, darling--

I think the storyline would be stronger if you stressed

the reason why the novelist plagiarized to begin with,

because his overly ambitious wife wasn't satisfied

until her husband was more successful

than her sister's husband.

Yes, that's possible.

And what if the novelist made his wife love him again

by publicly confessing the whole thing

and returning the literary prize?

It wouldn't be easy.

There would be a great deal of humiliation

for both characters.

Ellen, it's a cliche but true.

Two people can survive anything if they really love each other.

And besides, his wife is the only prize

the novelist really wanted.

So long.

Thank you for joining us.

[Chatter]

Ah, gopher, Isaac, thank you so much for not telling

the detective you found me.

Ah, but we did right after he called a few minutes ago

to let us know that your senator and his wife

settled out of court. - What?

- Hey. - Yes.

Yes.

So there's no one looking for you.

You're free as a breeze. - Aw.

I don't know.

I have plans to limit Doris's freedom for a long time.

[Giggles]

I'm probably the only guy around who lost

his girlfriend to his father.

Outrageous.

I call it totally awesome.

- Yes. - Bye-bye.

Bye.

So long.

[Phone ringing]

Goodbye, captain.

Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Baker.

Captain stubing, I thought you might like

to have this copy of my book.

Why, thank you, Mr. Baker.

After the press conference which I'm holding tomorrow,

it could be a collector's item.

When this is over, Dan, your future

won't be worth two cents.

And don't expect me to be around.

Oh, the future looks brighter already.

Thanks a lot for everything, Julie.

You sure there's no hard feelings?

No, no.

I actually kind of enjoyed it.

Really?

Don't answer that.

Oh, hi, doc.

Hi.

Good luck, Leonard.

Take care.

Yeah, bye.

Bye.

Uh, Julie do you think it might

be possible for me to maybe get something to remember you by?

Yeah, sure, Leonard.

What would you like?

How about a weekend in Vegas?

I know this great motel that's got mirrors

on the ceiling, a fiber film--

[Theme music playing]