Original subtitles

[Theme - "love boat"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new, come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat promises something for every one.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Ah, yes, I do.

It's, uh, 20 minutes to 11:00.

You waiting for someone?

Yes.

I was hoping my watch was fast, but it's

my date that's slow, as usual.

Well, you have plenty of time before we sail.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

If you knew who I was sailing with, you wouldn't say that.

Oh, hi, Barry.

I'm sorry I'm late, but that darned taxi--

caught fire, had a flat, got stuck in traffic.

The last.

Let's not fight, ok?

Who's fighting?

It never changes.

We've been apart four months, and I haven't fought

with a soul in four months.

Maybe it's because you didn't call.

Toni, I wanted to call, but I was afraid to.

I didn't want to fight with you.

This has been painful.

I didn't want to make it more painful.

Then why did you call?

I mean, whatever possessed you to invite me

on a trip like this with you?

What possessed you to accept?

It was a mistake.

I'm getting off, Barry.

Toni, wait.

Hey.

I'm getting married.

Married?

I thought we'd take one last trip

to quietly talk over anything we had to say to one another.

I think you've just said it.

We've had 17 years of marriage,

and there have been some good times.

But before the divorce is final, and we start to, you know,

forget, you know, there are things that we should say

to one another, should settle.

Oh, boy.

Married.

One last time together.

Our marriage started on a good note, remember?

Let's make it end on one.

Well, I certainly hope you have booked us separate cabins,

because there are limits.

I have booked us separate cabins.

Enjoy your cruise.

Bye-bye.

[Shouting]

[Whistling]

Who are these strange people?

Oh, gopher, we've been expecting them.

They're the royal order of rhinos.

And they're not strange.

No?

Well, what would you call a bunch of grown man

who run around in funny hats?

A happy-go-lucky bunch of conventioneers

out to have a good time.

[Cheering]

[Buzz]

Ow!

What kind of men are they?

Just a bunch of happy-go-lucky conventioneers

out to have a good time.

I'm telling you, Wally, this cruise

could be just the thing to get the old fires burning again.

There's no use, Russ.

The old pilot light is out.

Oh, will you stop talking like that?

Impotence is almost always--

sh.

(Whispering) --Always temporary.

You'll get over it.

I've tried everything.

I've eaten so many oysters that every time I yawn,

I check for pearls.

Your problem isn't what you're eating.

It's what's eating you.

Have you thought about going back to that psychiatrist?

No, are you kidding?

He charged me 50 bucks, and the only worthwhile thing he ever

said to me was, your hour's up.

I should've sent the bill to Alice.

She deserves it.

Boy, she was crazy to leave you for that truck driver.

Yeah, I mean, who'd want an Adonis like that

when she could have a--

a wimp like me.

Listen to me, Wally, you're a good-looking

guy who's got everything in the world going for him.

You've gotta forget Alice!

There are plenty other fish in the sea.

[Music playing]

Here comes a pretty sexy salmon right now.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Sally thorner.

I wonder if you could tell me the best

way to get to aloha 136.

Well, the best way would be to have our handsome ship's

doctor personally escort you.

Well, what's the second best way?

Through those doors and to the left.

Thanks.

Mm-hm.

Excuse me.

Could you tell us that young lady's name?

We're interested in mingling.

Nice mingle material.

Her name's Sally thorner.

Thanks.

You know something, Wally?

I think she's just the right one to get you to feel like you're

back in the ballgame.

Sure.

No, I'll say hello, and then send in the pinch hitter.

[Buzz]

[Screams]

When I first heard about rhinos coming aboard,

I was worried they were real ones.

I'm not sure if we wouldn't be better off.

Oh, captain stubing.

Yes.

I'm Marv Mason, highest and most exalted of all rhinos,

the head man.

Well, welcome aboard, Mr. Mason.

This is my daughter Vicki. - Vicki, how are you?

How do you do?

Pleasure.

Do your members always act this way?

Oh, no, captain.

They've been-- they've been cautioned to be

on their best behavior.

They're wonderful fellas, all of them.

Merrill stubing: I'm sure.

However, there are certain ship board rules of conduct that

must be observed at all times.

Oh, have no fear, captain.

The rhinos are a responsible organization.

We're not as well known as some of the others,

but we're heavily involved in many charities-- hospitals,

schools, daycare centers.

All very worthy causes.

Marv Mason: Oh, yes.

And not only that, each year, we choose a private citizen whose

character and whose work exemplifies the high standards

of the rhinos.

Matter of fact, that's why I'm on this cruise.

I'm afraid I don't follow you.

Captain stubing, it is my great pleasure

to inform you that you have been chosen

the honorary rhino of the year.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

[Horn blowing]

[Music playing]

Mm, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Hey, wall, look.

Oh.

Well, why don't you go over and talk to her?

No, no, no, no, I can't.

I-- I just get so awkward around women these days.

I don't know.

It's-- I'd only embarrass myself, all right?

Don't let it be said that I didn't

give you the first crack.

Let an old pro show you how it's done.

Excuse me, but aren't you Sally thorner?

Why yes.

Have we met before?

No, I make it my business to find

out the name of the prettiest lady

within the three-mile limit.

Well, how nice.

I hope you also make it your business to introduce

your good-looking friend.

Sure.

This is Wally denton, and i'm--

mm, nice to meet you, Wally.

Hi.

I'm Russ Butler.

Oh.

Well, I guess you two want to be left alone, all right,

so I'll be on my way.

Oh, no, Wally, don't go.

I was hoping to get to know you better.

Uh, well, believe me, ignorance is bliss.

Besides, there's an afternoon movie I want to see,

and I really think it's about time--

Sally thorner: Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, don't, it's fine.

I'm really sorry.

It's fine.

It's just ok.

I like a man who-- who leaves an impression.

I'll see you later.

Woman: (On pa) Ladies and gentleman, don't forget,

jackpot bingo starting in 10 minutes in the acapulco lounge.

Come try your luck.

Mm.

Well, you've got the floor.

Oh, no, not now.

It's such a beautiful day.

Let's enjoy it.

You're gonna get burned.

Here.

You know I hate that junk.

Well, at least put some sunblock on your nose.

It always gets so red.

You know I can't stand the smell of the stuff.

Don't put it on.

Ok!

You're a baby.

You know, you'll always be a baby.

Look at your neck.

Every morning of your life, you wake up

and cut yourself shaving and then

bleed all over your collar.

I like the sight of my blood.

It reminds me that i'm still alive when you haven't

made love to me for two weeks.

Then you stand cursing yourself in the mirror,

calling yourself every kind of idiot, morning after morning.

Two weeks, my foot.

You listened.

17 years of marriage, I never knew you listened.

I'm sorry, what we were saying?

Ah.

[Music playing]

Oh!

They're making the captain what?

Honorary rhino of the year.

If they did that to me, I'd sue.

Mr. Mason, I'm puzzled as to why your organization

would choose to honor me.

I'm a sea captain, not a celebrity.

Oh, yes, but we look for the unsung hero, the person whose

good work and high character and charitable acts

often go unnoticed.

We believe that you are this type of man.

Well, I'm flattered.

I'll do whatever I can to live up to your expectations.

We're not worried one bit.

We're gonna have to be on our guard, you guys.

There's no telling what these rhinos will try to pull.

Oh, with their cattle prods, exploding cigars,

itching powder, we can expect almost anything.

Ah, come on.

These guys can't be that bad.

Uh-oh.

Hm?

[Music playing]

[Screams] Ah!

Playing with water balloons, Mr. Smith?

[Knocking]

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

I just came by to apologize for my friend.

Oh, that's ok.

A little ice cream never hurt anyone.

Tell it to Wally.

He's so upset, he locked himself in his room.

He's really down on himself, isn't he?

Precisely why I hired you.

I figured the only thing that could possibly help

would be a sex surrogate.

I know.

But I hate being so secretive about it.

We're supposed to be completely open with our patients.

Sally, the man's ego is shot.

He needs to feel confident and attractive again.

Does it really make that much of a difference if he doesn't

know you're a professional?

Mm, you've got a point.

But getting Wally over his inferiority complex

is going to take time.

Well, you've got until the end of the cruise.

Think you can do it?

I'll try.

It would help if the captain could take the polar route.

[Music playing]

Mm.

Thank you.

Oh, from an admirer.

Oh, it's just like on our first date.

Oh, you were so beautiful that night.

Fortunately, some things never change.

You rat.

Married.

Well, at least aren't you going to tell me about her?

Her, you mean the woman I'm marrying?

Well, she's, uh, attractive, charming,

sensitive, intelligent.

I'm sure you'd like her.

I'm sure you're wrong.

Uh-uh, that's not funny.

I'm really glad you could join us, Sally.

Well, how could I pass up an invitation

from two such charming escorts?

You mean one charming escort and one total clod.

Everything I do nowadays always goes wrong.

You're too hard on yourself, Wally.

Instead of thinking about the bad things in your life,

try concentrating on the good things.

Well, right now, the only good thing in my life

is this vichyssoise, and it's really delicious.

May I have a taste?

Sure.

Wally.

I'm sorry, all right?

Try and forgive me, all right?

All right, I'll--

I'll forgive you on one condition.

What's that?

That you take me dancing later.

Oh, I was gonna ask you to go dancing with me.

Sally thorner: You're very sweet, Russ,

but Wally's more my type.

What are you, some kind of masochist?

No, just a woman who enjoys your company.

Hey, Russ.

Yeah, Wally.

If I'm dreaming, do me a favor.

Unplug my alarm clock.

Captain, I had to tell everyone about your award.

It was just too monumental for me to keep to myself.

Mm-hm.

I know how you feel.

I can't wait to tell everyone that I know that my father's

the rhino of the year.

On the other hand, maybe I can wait.

Adam bricker: Vicki, I'm surprised at you.

This puts your father right up there

with immortals like the grand marshal of the altoona

arbor day parade.

Ok, all right, just a minute.

Let them laugh, sir.

Let them laugh, but they obviously

do not understand the grave responsibility you now

have of being the idol of every man in america,

who owns a whoopee cushion.

Well, your concern touches me deeply.

So I'm sure that one of you will be

happy to say a few words on my behalf

at the award ceremony tomorrow night.

You want one of us to speak?

Merrill stubing: Oh, it was Mr. Mason's suggestion.

He didn't think any of his group knew me well enough

to praise me sufficiently.

Well, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't mind.

I'd be happy to.

Why don't you just settle this all amongst yourselves later?

I'm sorry I'm late.

Some important business came up.

Yeah, he had to reload the exploding cigars.

No, we took care of that before we boarded.

Good thinking.

Marv Mason: Mr. Smith, I know we sometimes behave like overgrown

kids, but don't you think everyone

should be able to take a joke?

Here's to a sense of humor.

Here, here.

Here, here.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Oh, no one dances just like you.

Oh, you've been dancing with a lot of people?

Well, I have been dating.

Aha.

Anyone in particular?

Well, there is someone who's a little more particular.

His name is Henry.

Henry?

Mm.

Henry, uh-huh.

And how does he dance?

Oh, he's a very good dancer.

Not as good as you, of course, but--

you know all my moves.

[Laughs] Not only on the dance floor.

Sally, I don't get it, why a beautiful woman like you

would want to dance with a klutz like me.

Well, why do you think?

Because I like you.

You're bright, sensitive, virile.

[Scoffs] You ought to check my biceps.

I'm about as virile as a-- as a linguine.

Virility has nothing to do with muscles.

True virility is having the courage to show vulnerability.

You really think so?

Of course I do.

[Applause]

[Music playing]

I'll be right back.

Going to powder my nose.

Hi, Wally.

Hi.

You and Sally seem to be quite an item.

Yeah.

It won't last long.

I'm, uh-- I'm only gonna disappoint her.

Well, why is that?

You're a doctor, right?

Well, the fact of the matter is, uh--

[coughs]

I'm (mumbling) Impotent.

What?

I'm, uh--

I'm impotent.

Speak up.

I can't hear you.

[Music stops]

I'm impotent!

[Music playing]

We have always been able to have a good time together.

[Laughs] No argument there.

Oh, it's been such a long time, Toni.

It's gonna be an even longer time.

Just one kiss for old times sake, huh?

Mm.

Mm.

Ooh, your aftershave lotion always has gotten me sexy.

Let's make love.

What about your fiance?

Oh, she's grown up.

She'll understand.

One last time.

Oh, your cabin or mine?

Mm, either cabin is ours as long as we're in it.

Crew: [All talking at once]

[Clears throat] It certainly seems lively in here.

Well, sir, we were just trying to decide which one of us

is going to speak at your award ceremony tomorrow.

We all want to.

Well, I'm flattered.

But why don't you just take a vote?

We have.

Ended in a five-way tie.

Merrill, you'd better make the selection.

All right.

Ah, hm.

[Music playing]

Isaac.

Really?

Just kidding, sir.

It would be a privilege.

[Music playing]

Mm.

Sally this has been such a--

a wonderful night.

I just wish it didn't have to end yet.

It doesn't, if we go back to my cabin for a nightcap,

that is.

Oh.

[Clears throat] No, no, no.

I-- see, I promised myself that I would read,

uh, "war and peace" tonight.

I'm sorry.

I-- I guess I'm being a little too aggressive.

No.

Well, it's just my way of telling you

how attractive I think you are.

Really?

Oh, yes.

You think I'm attractive?

Mm, very.

You know what else I like about you?

You're a gentleman.

These days, it seems that everybody expects you to--

well, what I mean is, after an evening like this,

that you're required to make love.

And what do you expect?

Oh, I've never been one for command performances.

[Music playing]

Well, I think it's--

it's nice if two people can just cuddle up together

and maybe share a kiss.

Then we could stop right there if we wanted to.

Yeah, if we wanted to.

Toni Cooper: Where are you going?

Barry Cooper: You just said I should go.

You don't want me to go?

I don't know what I want.

Darn you.

I was just beginning to believe I

was falling in love with a guy.

And now you're not so sure?

Don't you feel even the slightest bit guilty?

I don't know what I feel.

I only know that i--

well, I wanted to find out if things

were still the same between us.

Aha.

So it was a test.

You know, I think that's just what

went wrong with our marriage.

You were always testing me.

See if she'll get somewhere on time.

If not, I fail.

When I want to put sun lotion on you, I fail again.

For 17 years, I gave you everything I had.

And as far as I'm concerned, I passed the test.

[Phone ringing]

You're the one who failed.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Henry.

No, you didn't wake me up.

I was, uh, reading.

What?

Uncomfortable?

No, no, what makes you say that?

[Music playing]

No, there's no one else here.

I'm all by myself.

[Music playing]

[Laughter]

Man: Captain!

Captain, oh.

You look terrific. I love it.

I love it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll catch up with you later.

Mr. Mason.

Captain, how are you?

Oh, look, did you choose anyone from the crew to speak yet?

Yes, Isaac.

I don't remember meeting him.

He's our chief barman, Isaac Washington.

The, um-- the black fella with the mustache?

Yes, that's him all right.

He's a very special person, bright and witty.

I know your members will enjoy him.

Hey, Marv, you coming or what?

In a minute.

Uh, captain stubing, uh, i'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask

you to choose someone else.

He, um-- he wouldn't fit in.

[Music playing]

He wouldn't fit in?

Rhino: Marv, let's go!

Look, captain, we're an old fashioned organization.

We have certain rules.

Why don't you choose someone else, anybody, ok?

Ok, rhinos, here I come.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hello.

Sorry about last night.

I mean, I'm sorry I just walked out.

I'm sorry, too.

I failed your test, didn't I?

I went to bed with you even though you're getting married,

but I failed your test after all.

You said it before, I'm a baby.

So now, let me be a man and invite you to breakfast.

Just give me a minute to fix my face.

You look fine.

You always have.

[Music playing]

Isaac Washington: Ok, I'm finished,

but I need an opening joke for the captain's

award speech tonight.

So help me, come on.

Why don't you just hit yourself in the face

with a pie. The rhinos would love that.

That's right.

Their sense of humor does tend to be a bit juvenile.

As a juvenile, I resent that.

- Morning, folks. - Morning.

Morning.

Could you tell a herd of hungry rhinos

where we can get some chow around here?

Breakfast is served on the starlight deck,

and it's through those doors to your right.

Pete, I hope you brought the rubber eggs.

Ha ha, he's kidding.

It's the eggs are plastic.

It's the bacon that's rubber.

Come on.

Go for a laugh and the whole world laughs with you.

Boy, with practical jokers like these guys,

you got to be on your toes every second.

Well, looks like they caught you flatfooted.

Cute.

Isaac Washington: Nice.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, sir.

I'm glad you're here.

I have a few questions about the seating arrangement

for the award ceremony tonight.

Oh, well, I'm not sure there's gonna be any award ceremony.

- Why not? - What?

Julie McCoy: Why not, yeah?

Merrill stubing: Well, I just don't

think I'd feel right accepting an award

from a group like the rhinos.

Aw, come on, captain.

They don't mean any harm, just a bunch

of guys out for a little fun.

Well, they just don't seem to be my kind of people.

Isaac Washington: Sir, aren't you being a little unfair?

I mean, look at all the great charity

work they do and all those daycare centers they built.

Doesn't that say something for them?

Yes, Isaac.

It just doesn't say enough.

[Music playing]

Beautiful morning, huh, Russ?

Well, if isn't the great Houdini, the man who

vanishes from the dance floor and doesn't

reappear till breakfast.

Well, actually, Sally is the magician.

I mean, she just took all my troubles

and made them vanish into thin air.

Really, all your troubles?

(Laughing) Hey, way to go, Wally.

Actually, you know, I, uh--

I just left her in the cabin, and I just miss her already.

You know, she is so beautiful when she's sleeping.

I just didn't have the heart to wake her.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, now's your chance to meet some other lovely ladies.

Well, no.

As far as I'm concerned, there are no other ladies.

What are talking about, Wally?

Now that you're cured, there's a whole world of beautiful women

out there for you to explore.

Well, the only exploring i'm gonna do is in the gift shop.

I'm gonna go buy Sally the--

the perfect present.

Wally, don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

You've only known her one day.

It happens to be the one day I fell in love.

See you later.

Wha--

[sighs]

Well, don't you want to know about him?

Henry.

The guy on the phone?

Oh no, forgot it.

You don't have to tell me about him.

He's a real estate broker.

I met him when I was thinking of selling the house,

after you walked out.

Toni, you don't have to put yourself through all this.

Forget it.

I was lonely, depressed and lonely.

I didn't care what happened to me.

I felt like I had failed, and I couldn't figure out why.

[Sighs] So I started seeing Henry, and it helped.

He was there when I needed him.

I think I fell in love with that.

But is he what you want?

We don't fight.

Is he what you want?

He accepts what I have to give.

He doesn't test me.

Just answer me.

What I want doesn't seem to matter.

What I want seems too late for me to have.

What I don't want is pain.

I have had pain.

Pain is no damn fun.

Thanks for breakfast.

[Music playing]

Oh, hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Isn't the captain around?

Oh, he's up on the bridge steering the ship.

It's a habit we can't seem to break him of.

Well, I got this message he wanted to see me.

He said it was important.

Oh, don't worry.

You should be able to reach him after we dock.

Hm.

Well, I'm going into town with some of the guys for a while.

Oh, it was probably about the introductory speech

for tonight.

Ah.

Oh, by the way, no hard feelings about us bumping you

out of the ceremony, are there?

Uh, oh, no, no, no hard feelings.

Well, you know, Isaac, I have nothing against you personally.

I know you'll understand.

[Music playing]

Yeah, I understand.

[Music playing]

Woman: (On pa) Buenos dias, and welcome

to puerto vallarta, where the temperature

is a glorious 83 degrees.

Perfect weather for a perfect day

of swimming, parasailing, or just

browsing through the many charming shops in town.

However you plan to spend your day,

we guarantee you a [Speaking Spanish]

- [Sighs] - Hi, Russ.

You wanted to see me?

Well, I've heard of overnight successes,

but you are a miracle worker.

[Scoffs] Well, I don't think it ranks with the parting

of the red sea, but thank you.

Well, there may be one problem.

You may have done too good a job.

What do you mean?

Wally told me he's in love with you.

He did?

[Laughs] Yeah, crazy, huh?

Next time you send one of your patients to seventh heaven,

you better try a no-frills flight.

Here you go, $500.

Thanks for bringing Wally back to life.

He paid you to be with me?

Wally, i--

forget it, Sally.

You've done your job.

You don't have to work overtime.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Come in.

Uh, captain, can I talk to you for a minute?

Of course, Isaac, come on in.

I know why you're thinking of canceling the awards

ceremony this evening.

I ran into Marv Mason, and he kind of let it slip.

I'm sorry.

Sit down.

I, uh, didn't mean for you to find out, Isaac.

Oh, please, sir, let me finish.

I want you to accept the award.

You want me to accept the award?

Why?

Well, because you deserve it.

And I don't want your loyalty to me to deprive you of an honor

that you've earned.

Isaac, I can't in good conscience

accept an award from a group of racists.

Sir, I've dealt with people like that before,

and I found that racism comes from ignorance.

But I've been thinking about this a lot.

It's kind of a dilemma, because they have done some good work

and that should not be dismissed.

That's what the award is all about,

doing good work for people.

And they want to recognize you for the good work you've done.

Oh, I don't know, Isaac.

Sir, I appreciate how you feel.

And believe me, I love you for it.

But I want you to accept the award.

Please.

[Music playing]

Do it?

All right, Isaac, if that's what you want.

Good.

And as far your introductory speech

goes, I'm sure you can get gopher or doc to replace me.

They might be able to give your speech, Isaac,

but no one can replace you.

Thank you, sir.

[Music playing]

Wally, I have to talk to you.

I don't know why.

You see, I didn't know that you were--

well, how should I put it, a, uh--

a lady of the evening.

A lady of the evening?

Is that what you think I am?

I am a professional sex surrogate.

A what?

A sex surrogate.

I help people with sexual problems overcome them.

Just because you put a fancy title on it, you know,

it doesn't change anything.

I'm still just another paycheck to you, aren't I?

No, that's not so.

I have very strong feelings for you.

How can I believe that?

You haven't been truthful with me on this whole trip!

Well, I'm being truthful now.

And Wally, last night was magic for me.

It was magic for me, too.

I just didn't know that I was the trick.

[Music playing]

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You're just in time to join the celebration.

Ah, what are we celebrating?

I've just talked with Henry.

He's asked me to marry him.

And what did you say?

I said I would think about it.

And?

And I told him I loved him.

You lied?

Did I?

[Music playing]

Woman: (On pa) Ladies and gentlemen,

we hoped you enjoyed your stay in port.

As we head home, don't forget you're all invited to join us

at 8 o'clock in the acapulco lounge, where our very

own captain stubing will be honored

by the royal order of rhinos as their man of the year.

See you there.

Wally, I'm sorry about what happened,

but there's something I think you should know.

Sally gave me back my check.

She did?

Yeah, she said she didn't feel right accepting the money.

I wonder why.

If you had a brain, you'd figured it out.

She doesn't care about the money.

All she cares about is you.

[Music playing]

Really?

Yeah, and if I were you, I wouldn't want to blow it.

[Sighs] Thanks.

I'm afraid I already did.

[Music playing]

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, brother rhinos.

[Cheering]

As you know, we're gathered here tonight

to pay tribute to a man whose exemplary citizenship

upholds the policy of our organization's

charity and goodwill.

But before we meet our honored guests,

I think you'd like to hear a little more about him

from one of his loyal crew, Dr. Adam bricker.

Dr. Bricker.

[Cheering]

[Music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very proud to be

introducing the recipient of this award tonight.

I think I speak for all our crew when I say we couldn't work

for a kinder, more humane man.

I couldn't begin to list his many charitable acts.

But I know to the kids in the acapulco orphanage,

he's the real Santa claus, because he consistently

goes out of his way to help those

less fortunate than himself.

There is no one who deserves this honor more than

our captain, merrill stubing.

[Music playing]

Captain stubing, it is my great honor

to present you with this plaque, making you

our honorary rhino of the year.

[Cheering]

Man: Who's driving the ship, huh?

Thank you.

A moment ago, Dr. Bricker gave me some wonderful compliments.

He even said that, uh, he couldn't

work for a more humane man.

Now, I don't know how humane I am.

But I know I wouldn't consider myself humane

if I accepted this award.

[Crowd murmuring]

Because ladies and gentlemen, one of my closest and dearest

friends, Mr. Isaac Washington, is not

allowed membership in the organization

that's giving me this award.

[Music playing]

You know, up to this very moment,

I expected to accept this, because Isaac

urged me to, saying the rhinos do some good works.

That's just an example of Isaac being

a lot better than some people who consider

themselves his betters.

And so Mr. Mason, I have to refuse being named honorary

rhino of the year, since the year in question

seems to be the year of the dinosaur.

[Music playing]

[Whistling] We have to stop meeting like this.

We will.

Barry, what do you want?

I want you to come to my wedding.

Your gall knows no bounds.

No, honey, just a second.

At least look at the invitation, will you?

I don't want to read your wedding invitation.

Please, look at it.

[Music playing]

Toni Cooper: Mr. Barry Cooper, having come to his senses,

wishes to have the presence of Mrs. Toni Cooper at the wedding

of himself to her?

Where did you get this?

I've had it for weeks.

Well, what about the other woman you were gonna marry?

There isn't any other woman, Toni.

You and I have been apart for four months,

and every day I say, why?

I love you.

And you can't say you don't love me, too.

You can't argue with that.

No, I can't.

Toni, we can't rub out the past,

but we can start a great new future.

Just like that?

Let's give it a shot.

What do you say?

I say you're crazy.

Maybe I'm just as crazy, 'cause I sure want to try.

Oh, Toni.

Mm.

Ok, Mr. Stevens, come on inside.

I know just how to cure you.

All right, you, get outta here!

Wally, what do you think you're doing?

I will not stand by and let you have sex with this man!

Sex?

I was just helping Mr. Stevens get rid of his hiccups.

Hiccups?

Yeah, but you just scared them out of me,

pal, so if you'll excuse me.

I'm, uh--

I'm sorry, Sally.

I just got so jealous when I thought he was

another one of your clients.

Patients.

You don't have to worry about it much longer.

I'm thinking of retiring.

You are?

Why?

Because a good sex surrogate doesn't get personally

involved with her patients.

You've got to be really terrible to fall in love with one.

And, um, which kind are you?

The worst, I'm afraid.

(Whispering) Oh, Sally.

[Sighs] That's wonderful.

Do you mean it?

With all my heart.

I love you, Wally.

I love you, too.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Sir.

Isaac.

I'd like to thank you for what you did tonight.

It meant a lot to me.

Reason I did it, Isaac, because you mean a lot to me.

Captain stubing, may I have a word with you, please?

Merrill stubing: Certainly.

But first I want you to know that I

have no regrets or apologies for what I did tonight.

Well, you may not, captain, but I do have.

As I told you, ours is a pretty old organization,

and that has its merits.

But maybe it's time we rhinos revised our thinking a bit,

if we don't want to become extinct.

[Music playing]

So long, you two.

I hope you had a good cruise.

You bet.

Oh, we sure did, gopher.

So much so that, when our divorce is final,

we're gonna get married again.

Gonna get married again?

Why don't you just stop the divorce?

No, no, this gives us an excuse to act like newlyweds.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Russ, I think you should be the first to know that Sally

and I are getting married.

Oh, that's great.

- Congratulations, you two. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't you think you should have told her before me?

And, uh, there is another announcement.

Sally is making a slight change in her career.

You're quitting?

Sally thorner: No, just going into private practice.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

[Whistling]

Captain my fellow rhinos and I would like to thank you for not

accepting our award last night.

You want to thank me?

Marv Mason: Yes, captain.

Because of your turning us down, we

met later and added the following clause

to our bylaws--

without regard to race, color, or creed.

Well, because i'm at least one of those,

I'd like to congratulate you on the change.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]