Original subtitles

[Theme - Jack Jones, "love boat"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Excuse me, can you direct me to my cabin?

Of course, captain Tobin.

Let's see.

You're on the aloha deck, cabin 137.

That's through the lobby, up the stairs, and to the right.

On furlough, captain?

Haven't you heard?

We're invading Mexico.

Funny.

Julie: This is purser Smith, and I'm Julie

McCoy, your cruise director.

If there's anything you need, just let me know.

There's nothing you can do, Ms. McCoy.

I've been stationed in the arctic circle for six months.

I need a man.

Can you imagine not seeing a man for six months?

I could go a year.

Hi.

I'm Fred Peters.

This is my wife, Louise.

- How do you do? - Hello.

How do you do?

Hello.

Has an art Fuller boarded yet?

Art Fuller?

Uh, let's see.

Art Fuller-- no, not yet.

Oh dear.

I hope he's all right.

Don't worry so much.

He'll pull through this.

There some sort of problem we can help with?

Oh, not really.

Art's just getting over a divorce.

Oh.

Well, we'll go out of our way to make him happy.

That's what we're here for.

Oh, thank you.

We're hoping the trip will perk him up.

I think he's already perked.

Louise, Fred, meet Patti Samuels.

(Muttering) How do you do?

Uh, Patti and I have been together since last month.

Well, uh, last month was a much better

month than I thought it was.

Uh, Mr. Fuller, you two are in 354 aloha deck.

And Mr. and Mrs. Peters, you're right next door in 356.

Come on, Artie.

Let's go to our cabin.

Oh, I'm all yours, patticakes.

With a view like that, I always try

to get her to walk ahead of me.

Wow.

Mrs. Dolan, you are in 484, fiesta.

484 is no fiesta.

484 is breaking and entering.

Ugh, Edgar, not everyone appreciates police humor.

Oh.

Ok.

Hey, you, lady, right there, hold it.

Give me that wallet.

- Give that back to me. - Edgar!

Listen, I saw you from over there.

Mr. Dolan, Mr. Dolan, what's the problem here?

He's the problem.

This woman was stealing this man's wallet.

This man happens to be my husband.

Look, from where I was standing,

all I could see was the wallet--

well, it's obviously just a slight misunderstanding.

I'm very sorry about the inconvenience.

Please accept the apologies. Please?

- All right. - Terribly sorry.

Come on, Gill.

Natural mistake.

And I want to apologize for Edgar.

Now, Florence, don't apologize for me.

The fact that he's her husband doesn't mean that she

wasn't stealing his wallet.

He's retired from the police force,

and sometimes he confuses relax and enjoy with search

and destroy.

Come on, before you get a ticket for double parking your brain.

Edgar Dolan: Oh, hey.

Florence Dolan: Come on.

Guess who?

Oh, give me a hint.

It's not the mormon tabernacle choir.

Then it must be Alan braithwaite!

The girl is uncanny.

[Laughing]

Alan, it's so good to see you.

I'd like you to meet my father, captain stubing.

Hello, Alan.

Pleased to meet you, captain.

Your daughter was everybody's favorite person

at camp last summer.

Alan was my fan club president.

Vicki, I thought I was.

Alan, I'm anxious to see your parents again.

Oh no, not this trip, Vicki.

They couldn't make it.

Dad got a last minute assignment,

so I talked him into coming on the trip by myself.

Alan's father is in the diplomatic corps.

Alan's grown up all over the world.

Your parents must have a lot of confidence in you.

That's because i'm so mature and adult.

And I threatened not to eat for a week.

[Laughing]

I was just kidding.

Well, I think we're ready to get under way.

It's nice meeting you, Alan.

You too, captain.

Oh, Vicki, I've been looking forward

to this ever since the last time we saw each other.

Me too.

You were my best friend at camp.

Yeah.

Well, I was hoping we could become more than just

friends on this cruise.

[Horn blaring]

12, 13, 14.

Say, that Patti's quite a girl.

36, 22, 34.

What?

Those are her measurements.

You've got to work that off, that stomach, buddy.

What stomach?

Louise!

Hi, guys.

You look great.

You think so?

Oh.

[Giggling]

Hello, sun worshipers.

Hi, patticakes.

Louise, that's a really nice outfit.

Well, thank you, Patti.

You don't think it's too revealing, do you?

Oh, no, not at all.

Patti's doctor went crazy trying to vaccinate her

in a place that wouldn't show.

[Chuckling]

[Knocking]

Captain Tobin: Who is it?

It's purser Smith, ma'am.

Come in, purser.

Hi.

This message says you have some questions about exchanging

dollars into pesos.

Could you just close the door, please, purser Smith?

Sure.

Now, captain, what can I tell you about the rate of exchange?

What's your first name, purser Smith?

Uh, well, ma'am, it's burl, but my friends call me gopher.

Well, I'd like you to consider me a friend, gopher when

we met at the boarding, I just couldn't

get over your brown eyes.

You couldn't?

Mm-mm.

Well, thank you, captain.

I find you very attractive.

You know, about the dollar and the peso--

I'd rather talk about you and me.

I just remembered, captain, I have

to check in with my captain.

So, uh, excuse me.

Aye!

I did mention, didn't i, that I haven't

seen a man in six months?

I know I don't look my age, but I'm actually 14 years old.

Oh, well, I guess we're just going to have

to wait here until you grow up.

Oh, Edgar, isn't this marvelous,

breathing in fresh sea air under glorious blue skies

without a care in the world?

Well, like they say in the station house, flo,

it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.

[Laughing]

Uh-oh.

No cheating, now.

Wise guy.

Get a load of that guy.

I could teach him how to win in solitaire in two minutes.

Same old Alan.

So how's boarding school been?

It's tough.

It's tough going to bed when I want to

and partying at all hours, but I manage somehow.

Yeah, well, you never manage to write me very often.

But I do think about you.

[French] Mademoiselle stubing.

For me?

Oh, Alan, it's beautiful.

But mademoiselle, the face on the watch,

she's not so beautiful as the face on the girl.

Alan, thank you.

I love it, but it's so expensive.

Oh, when it comes to money, the French,

they have a marvelous expression--

but I don't know what it is.

[Giggling]

Thank you, Evan.

Isaac, have you seen gopher?

Well, now that you mention it, no, I haven't.

Well, there are people lined up at his purser's desk.

And I'm doing everything I can, but it's

just too much to handle alone.

You know, if he's goofing off, the captain

is going to have his head.

Wait till you see what I do with what's left of him.

Crew (over loudspeaker): Will purser Smith please

report to the purser's desk?

Captain Tobin: Aw, gopher.

Gopher: Aw, bernice, I gotta go back to work.

They need me.

I need you too, gopher--

more than they do.

Crew (over loudspeaker): Purser Smith to the purser's desk

immediately.

Bernice, I've got to call them or I am in big trouble.

Aye!

I can call them later.

Julie (over loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen,

main seating dinner is now being served

in the coral dining room.

We wish you buon appetito.

Ooh, honey, you look terrific.

You really think so?

Yes.

Would you care to join me for dinner?

Where'd you get the watch?

Oh, isn't it beautiful?

Alan gave it to me.

Oh.

Yes, it's very attractive.

But--

uh-oh.

You have something very fatherly to say to me, don't you?

It's too expensive, Vicki.

You don't know him well enough to accept it.

I know, but I don't want to hurt Alan's feelings.

I'm sorry, honey.

Tell him it's your father's wishes.

Is this one of those things I'm going to thank

you for in the long run?

I doubt it.

Come on.

Mm.

This fettuccine is fantastico.

Here, try some.

Mm, great!

Try some of my scampi.

Hm?

Not hungry?

We just eat a salad.

We have to watch what we eat.

Me too.

I watch it go right from here to here.

[Laughing]

Stop.

I don't see how you can eat all that

and still stay in such good shape.

Exercise is the key.

There isn't enough time in the day to exercise all that off.

Looks like we're going have to go into overtime again tonight.

She's a cute little thing, isn't she?

Oh, shut up and gum your Greens.

Edgar, see that boy?

Yup.

Don't you think he looks a lot like ned did at his age?

Yeah, a little.

Ned would have been 25 this week.

I know, Florence.

I miss him, too.

He looks a lot like ned.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

Evening. - Hello.

Evening.

He even walks like ned.

Yeah.

Ned wasn't so clumsy.

Hello.

Alan-- Vicki's been telling us all about you.

It sounds like you're a remarkable young man.

Well, she's just telling it like it is.

A world traveler at 16?

And fluent in four languages.

Five, if you count body.

So what time is it, Vicki?

Later, Alan.

Julie, where's gopher?

He must be very busy, sir.

That's possible.

I've heard him being paged for hours.

But I haven't seen him since we sailed.

Has any of you?

Uh, well, yes, sir.

I've seen him, sort of.

Sort of?

Well, it's like this.

We can't find him anywhere.

Have you tried his office?

I know that's the last place you'd expect to look for him.

Yes, sir.

We have looked there, and he's not there.

Actually, we're starting to get pretty worried.

Then after you finish your dinner,

organize a thorough search.

Yes, sir.

[Slow jazz music]

Fred, Patti makes me feel like a kid again.

She gives me something to live for.

Louise gives me something to live for, too-

mortgage payment.

Do you and Fred go on these cruises very often?

Oh, he rarely takes me anywhere.

His idea of a good vacation is to stay

home and let his mind wander.

Come on, Artie.

One, two, me and you.

Three, four, on the floor.

Five, six, we're a couple of sticks.

So what happened to the watch?

I'll have to give it back to you.

My father won't let me accept it.

Why not?

It's too expensive.

Too expensive, huh?

Oh, don't feel bad, Alan.

Oh, I don't feel bad, as long as I can dance with you.

Not bad, old timer.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, cute.

Crew (over loudspeaker): Purser Smith,

please report to the captain's office at once.

Purser Smith, report to the captain's office immediately.

I don't understand.

It's like gopher's just disappeared.

We searched the entire ship for him.

Maybe you just think you searched

the entire ship for him.

Hey, Mike, cover for me.

Come on.

Let's go find him.

Look, Vicki.

I know your father didn't let you keep the watch.

But if at first you don't succeed--

ta-da.

Think he'll mind this?

Sapphires!

Well, that's my birthstone!

But I can't keep it.

My dad won't let me.

It's too expensive.

Oh, but I didn't buy it.

My grandmother gave it to me.

That doesn't matter, Alan.

All right.

Ok.

In that case, I'm just going to have to give you something

that your father can't make you return.

That's something I'd like to return.

[Slow music]

Oh, dancing close like this is so wonderful.

Are you feeling romantic yet?

I can't tell.

I'm still trying to follow.

Well, then, you lead, dear.

[Cracking]

Oh!

Oh, you are feeling something.

Yeah.

I think it was a cracked rib.

You need another drink to put you in the mood.

No, wine makes me sleepy.

Good.

Then it'll be beddy-bye time.

Aye!

Here you go.

I don't want a drink. I don't want a drink.

- Drink! - Cheers.

[Snoring]

Fred-- Fred?

Come to bed.

Louise, did you hear that?

Hear what?

Art and Patti are giggling.

So what if they're giggling?

You know what comes after giggling, don't you?

Fred, if you'd stop worrying about what's

going on next door, you might find out

there's a lot more fun here.

They've stopped giggling.

Listen.

Since you're so happy over here, why don't you just

sleep over here!

They started giggling again.

Going back to stash your loot, huh?

Excuse me?

Get inside.

What's going on?

Come on.

What are you doing?

This is my cabin.

You've been having yourself a picnic, haven't you?

What?

We'll see now.

Hey, those are mine.

Not exactly the crown jewels, but not bad for a rookie.

Listen, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about jail.

Jail?

I've been watching you, kid--

watching your act in the dining room--

strictly amateur-hour stuff.

I'm going to see that they fix you for good.

I promise I'll never do it again.

I'll take back everything I took.

But don't turn me in, please.

Why shouldn't I?

This is the first time I've ever done anything like this.

I'm not a thief.

Please, I'm just a kid.

Give me another chance.

I don't know.

[Sniffling]

Please?

All right.

You're lucky, because my wife thinks you look like somebody.

No sign of gopher, merrill.

Oh, I can't believe it.

We've looked everywhere, sir-- nothing.

Julie, are you sure you saw gopher after we sailed?

I'm positive, sir.

Well, if he sailed with us, where is he?

You don't think it's possible--

Impossible.

Julie (over loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now arriving in fabulous acapulco,

the glamorous jet-set resort.

From the la quebrada cliff divers

to the white Sandy beaches, adventure awaits you.

Will purser Smith please report to the captain immediately?

Captain Tobin: Aye!

Ah!

It's an old party trick, gopher.

Does this mean I win a purple heart?

You've already got my heart, gopher.

I ordered you some breakfast.

Here you go.

Oh, food.

It's about time.

I'm starving.

Grapes, figs, oysters, olives, dates, pistachio nuts--

all known aphrodisiacs.

They'll fill you with desire.

So it's either starvation or violation.

I'll take my chances.

Are we going into town or not?

No, I'm too tired.

I didn't sleep well last night.

It's a little hard to sleep when

you're leaning against a wall.

Lay off, Louise.

Let's just sit around the pool.

Why?

So you can see Patti in her new bikini?

She's got a new one?

Ugh.

But you promised you'd take me into town.

Can't we just take a nap on the deck?

I've never seen acapulco.

We could go parasailing or scuba diving.

Well, it's up to Fred and Louise.

Oh, uh-uh.

Fred had an earache last night.

We didn't get much sleep.

Now you're all pooping out on me.

I may never get to Mexico again.

On second thought, I'll take you.

I'll bring you back a souvenir--

a little wooden monkey.

Hi.

Hiya, gorgeous.

We're still on for acapulco, aren't we?

Well, that's what I came to tell you--

I can't, not until we find gopher.

But I'll see you later.

Sure.

I see you've got a great appetite this morning.

Why not?

I'm a growing boy.

Yeah.

Growing out of some of your bad habits, I hope.

Is that all?

Or am I going to have to listen to a whole series of lectures?

Getting pretty cocky again.

It's a big jump from last night's teary scene.

So?

Look, I could still turn you in.

Aw, I don't think so.

Now that you have the stuff, it's your word against mine.

Bye.

Anything?

No, sir.

No.

Well, I hate to disturb all the passengers,

but I have no choice.

Search every cabin?

Exactly.

And get every available member of the crew to help.

I want this ship turned inside out.

Yes, sir.

Ok.

Julie (over loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen,

our ship's crew will be making a brief inspection

of your cabins.

Please excuse any inconvenience this may cause.

Will gopher Smith please report to the captain's office right

now?

Mr. Burns: Honey, is that you?

Hey, what are you doing in here?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I must have the wrong room.

I--

yeah, and you also got the wrong pin, too.

Stay right where you are, fella.

Don't try anything funny.

Yeah, this Mr. Burns in promenade 337.

Can you send some help right up here?

I just caught a thief in my cabin.

Julie (over loudspeaker): Purser Smith,

please report to the captain's office immediately.

Gopher, this is urgent!

No, no, no, sir, nothing to be alarmed about.

Just a routine inspection of all the cabins.

Thank you.

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry to disturb you, but I have orders to check

all the cabins on this deck.

What's the trouble?

Uh, no trouble.

May I just check your bathroom, please?

Is something wrong with my bathroom?

No, no.

Just looking.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Oh.

Listen, while you're here, would you mind taking this for me?

Oh sure, no problem.

Thanks.

Sure.

By the way, what are you looking for?

It's not a what.

It's a who.

It's safe to come out of the closet now.

I think it's safer in here.

Florence Dolan: I don't understand it, captain.

I knew retirement would be hard on Edgar,

but I cannot believe that he would do something like this.

Oh, quit your yapping, will you, Florence?

This is a serious matter.

If you can't explain your actions,

I'll have to report you to the police

when we return to San Pedro.

Captain, it must be some sort of a mental breakdown.

I-- I promise, I'll have him see a doctor

just as soon as we get home.

Florence, why don't you go out on deck?

Captain and I will talk about this.

All right, dear.

So let's get on with it, captain.

I forgot how much fun riding a motorcycle was.

If you had any more fun you'd be one big band-aid.

How was I supposed to know that an "una sola direccion"

meant one-way street?

Fred was so cute.

He did a wheelie right through a mariachi band.

And then he took me to a wonderful lunch

at a cute little cafe.

We really had fun, didn't we, Freddy?

You're a real sport, Freddy.

I hope you weren't too bored while I was away.

Not at all.

We had a marvelous day.

Didn't we, Artie?

Artie--

Vicki, hey.

Where you going?

I was hoping you'd be spending your time with me.

I'm sorry, Alan.

This has been a really weird cruise.

What's wrong?

Not only is gopher still missing,

but now there's this business with Mr. Dolan.

What about Mr. Dolan?

Well, haven't you heard?

He was caught stealing jewelry this morning.

He was?

Can you believe it?

He seemed like such a nice man.

Yeah.

Well, I guess you can't trust anybody these days.

Julie (over loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen,

light up your nightlife in exciting acapulco.

Delicious food and glittering discotheques await you.

Buen tiempo.

[Upbeat dance music]

Isn't anybody going to talk?

Weren't we talking?

Oh, well, I didn't notice.

Louise, you could have come with us to acapulco.

I wasn't asked.

Nobody asked me, either--

until Freddy.

Until Freddy.

You got your trip.

And who knows what you got?

Watch it, Freddy.

All I did was sit and read my book.

And what did Artie do?

Turn the pages for you?

Hey, Freddy.

Don't try to blame it all on me.

Yeah?

Well, Patti and I were just having some innocent fun.

All I wanted to do was see acapulco.

All I wanted to do was relax.

I just tried to be helpful.

I just wanted to read my book!

Mrs. Dolan?

Yes?

Oh, it's you.

My name is Alan braithwaite.

I heard about your husband, and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Maybe they have the wrong man.

Oh, I wish that were true.

Alan: Maybe there was someone else--

you know, maybe an accomplice?

I don't think so.

My poor Edgar.

I-- I'm sorry.

[Crying]

Please, Mrs. Dolan, don't cry.

I'm going to miss him.

Mm, I know.

Remember when he got stuck in that suit of armor?

He was just like a brother to me.

Hey, what's this?

Pistachios.

It's an epaulette.

It's a purser's epaulette.

Where'd these pistachio nuts come from?

I got them out of some cabin.

Let me see-- which one did I get them out of?

Come on!

I remember.

Ok, gopher.

You're the winner.

I don't think I want the prize.

What I'm trying to say is, I give up.

You're free to go.

You mean it?

Yes.

I mean it.

Go!

Oh boy.

What is it, bernice?

You find somebody new?

You sure this is where you picked up the nuts?

Positive.

137, though-- that's captain Tobin.

There was nothing unusual going on in there

when I searched.

Wait a minute.

When she boarded, she said she was anxious to find a man.

You think she found gopher instead?

We'll soon find out.

This may turn out to be a medical emergency.

Gopher!

You've been here all the time, doing that?

And we were so worried!

Now wait a minute.

I know it doesn't look like it, but I have

been held here against my will.

You expect us to believe that this lady forced

you to stay in her cabin?

Yes.

You were a prisoner?

Exactly, prisoner.

Oh, gopher, cut it out.

It's bad enough you made us turn the ship upside down.

And do your work for you.

And now you have the gall to tell us

that this beautiful young lady--

ahh!

Excuse me, but i'm through visiting.

I'm with you, Isaac.

Me too.

Gopher?

Coming.

I know this may sound strange, but, um,

could I come back later?

Absolutely not.

I want to see some of the ship before the cruise is over.

I'll come to your cabin.

Ok, thanks.

Dutch says they haven't seen gopher

anywhere near the engine room.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Hi, Alan.

Hi, Vicki.

Captain stubing, there's something I have to say to you.

Yes?

Um, captain, you're holding an innocent man.

Mr. Dolan didn't steal anything.

I did.

Alan, it's very nice of you to come to his aid,

but he was caught in the act.

Yeah, in the act of returning the stuff that I stole.

When he found out, he decided to give me a break.

This is a very serious offense, Alan.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

I took all that stuff because I wanted Vicki

to think that I was a big shot.

Do you remember that movie with Gary

Cooper and Audrey hepburn, the one we saw on the late show?

Sure.

"Love in the afternoon."

It was about an older man and a younger

woman who were in love.

Worked in the movie, but this is real life.

I can't keep up with you.

But you said you wanted someone

who was peppy and active.

You said it made you feel young.

That was my ego talking.

My body wasn't listening.

You mean this youth kick wasn't what you wanted?

I'm afraid I was just trying to act your age.

I'm a lousy actor.

You know, just because I'm young doesn't mean

I don't enjoy relaxing, too--

going to bed early once in a while--

to sleep.

I just wanted you to love me.

But I do love you.

Wait a minute.

You mean you're willing to accept

a man in his middle years who loves you very much?

Why not?

Someday maybe I'll have some middle years, too.

Fred?

Louise--

you like it?

It's-- it's not you.

Oh, don't be silly.

Now, I have it all planned.

When we get back home, we're going to take up hang

gliding and maybe even surfing.

Whoa, Louise.

Fred-- I'm not going to ruin our marriage.

If you want young, I'll give you young.

Louise, all I want is someone warm and comfortable.

And since I've got that, i'm never, never going to lose you.

So captain, the kid will be ok?

Yes, he will.

And the stolen property?

All returned to the rightful owners,

and no one is pressing charges.

And it's all thanks to your husband, Mrs. Dolan.

Well, that's true.

But what amazes me is after 30 years with the force,

you'd think he'd have enough finesse not to get caught.

I thought the same thing myself--

unless he wanted to get caught.

Now, captain, why would I do a thing like that?

Well, you might have done it to give a confused boy a chance

to redeem himself by coming forward

and publicly admitting his guilt.

Mrs. Dolan, would you like to cut a rug

with an over-the-hill cop?

No, but I'd love to dance with you.

[Laughing]

Mr. Dolan, thank you for everything you've done.

I'm not sure I even deserved it.

I am grateful.

Rules of the house, kid.

We've all got to have a little understanding.

I think we all need to be reminded

of that every now and then.

And I think you're right, captain.

Bye bye. Bye bye.

- Bye bye. - Bye now.

Right? - Bye, captain.

Guess who?

The green bay packers?

Hey, you peeked.

You better write me soon.

I'll do better than that.

You can expect a package in the mail.

Please, a letter will do just fine.

Ok.

Bye, Vicki. - Bye bye.

See ya.

See you later.

[Laughter]

Hey, let's get together next Thursday

and go out for some Mexican food.

Yeah, we could all go out and paint the town.

I don't think so.

We'd rather stay at home.

I've reached that age where I've

got to start taking it easy.

And I've reached that age for a second time.

Well, you certainly made this a very interesting

cruise, captain Tobin.

Particularly for gopher.

This should cover all the breakage

in the cabin, plus a little extra for the crew emergency

fund.

Oh, thank you.

That's very generous of you.

Oh.

Goodbye, gopher.

Goodbye, bernice.

It's been a pleasure--

a real pleasure.

It was a pleasure for me, too, once I became

a volunteer and not a draftee.

We have a slogan in the army--

"be all that you can be."

And you certainly were.

[Theme - Jack Jones, "love boat]