Original subtitles

Governor's letting out a bunch of non-violent inmates

because of the coronavirus, and you dumbasses are two of them.

What'd you get locked up for?

Credit card cloning, identity theft, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, and...

wire fraud.

At least you follow through.

If one of you snores, you might want to plug up the bullet holes.

After dinner, we visit Melvin's place

and steal us some toilet paper.

We're gonna steal more than toilet paper, though, right?

You said he got paid in cash?

Those politicians you mentioned

who were dumping stocks while lying about the virus?

Turns out, one of them's from around here.

Congresswoman Tackleberry.

Check it out. That's a Claude Van Woodsen.

It's probably worth half a million dollars if we can get our hands on it.

We're not robbing any congresswoman.

I don't wanna be doing any of this bullshit.

The state won't allow me to hire

-a teacher with a felony drug conviction. -Wait. What?

What if you could be a teacher after we're done?

I told you they won't let me be a teacher.

So, stop being you. I can get you a brand new identity.

I just need you for a few weeks first.

See these security cameras inside her house?

They're everywhere. We tap into her Wi-Fi,

and we got 24-hour surveillance inside her home.

You guys, we're in.

The Real Housewife of Congressional District 10 is on the air.

Why do yo have a picture of Rooster's pecker?

I'm sorry. Who's pecker is that?!

Show me your pecker.

You got some explaining to do, Cinderella.

[slow, dark jazz playing]

["I Wonder" by Rodriguez playing]

♪ I wonder how many times you've been had ♪

♪ And I wonder how many plans have gone bad ♪

♪ I wonder how many times you had sex ♪

♪ And I wonder do you know who'll be next ♪

♪ I wonder, I wonder ♪

♪ Wonder I do ♪

-[Rooster grunts] -[whistling]

♪ I wonder about the love you can't find ♪

♪ And I wonder about the loneliness that's mine ♪

♪ I wonder how much going have you got ♪

♪ And I wonder about your friends that are not ♪

♪ I wonder, I wonder ♪

[grunts] Come on, man. My hand's startin' to hurt.

Melvin stop. He doesn't respond to pain.

One Halloween he didn't have a costume, and he made me stab him in the shoulder

with that little pocket knife he keeps in his back pocket.

This little rinky-dink thing.

Where you get this from? A gumball machine?

Look, I know you robbed me, bro. You left a picture of your dick.

Just tell me who helped you.

Your mother helped me.

And it ain't my dick. It's hers.

Wiggles, you want some coffee and donut holes?

I'm too tired for coffee.

I'll take a Kool-Aid. Put it in my fun cup.

Why are you with this guy?

He's an asshole,

and his house smells like a can of tennis balls.

Actually, that's him, not the house.

He has a unique musk, but I'm willing to overlook that.

I wanna have a daughter while I'm still young enough

to do fun stuff with her like going to waterparks

and/or taking mushrooms.

So, have a baby with me. I love babies!

Every time I see one in the grocery store, I make funny faces,

and they usually make funny faces back.

You get arrested too much.

And Melvin doesn't break the law?

He's been assaulting me all night. He was so quick to drag me in here

that he parked more than 18 inches from the curb.

But he doesn't get caught.

I need to raise my baby with a criminal who only goes to jail a little.

A father needs to be there to teach his little girl how to fight

or explain why their mother can't get out of bed for a few days.

Thanks, baby.

What's wrong, buddy? You didn't like that?

[suspenseful music playing]

There are four of us!

["Talk About The Good Times" by The Oak Ridge Boys playing]

♪ Well I remember when I was just children ♪

♪ The time when people used to treat their neighbor like a fellow man ♪

♪ Them all day singin' and them big prayer meetin's ♪

♪ When a man was proud to walk up and shake his neighbor's hand ♪

♪ Lord you talk about the good times ♪

♪ Talk about the good times ♪

♪ Oh if you ever needed help a friend was there ♪

♪ Some good neighbor ♪

♪ Would help lift your burden ♪

♪ Oh and the simple joys of life your friends would share ♪

♪ Well all right ♪

This not having a maid shit is bullshit, Horace.

Yesterday I was in Congress voting on a stimulus bill.

Today I'm chiseling skid marks!

We don't know how many people Lucia has been around.

She goes to birthday parties in the park, for Christ's sake.

If she brings the COVID in here, with my mesothelioma,

I'll be dead in a week!

I mean, what the hell have you been eating, anyway?

It's like you're shitting out Sharpie marker!

The medicine that I'm on gives me dark stools.

Have you been watching that all night?

This is the best reality show I've ever seen.

Hogan Knows Best is up there,

but this is pure, unfiltered reality.

And I get to see everything,

It's like I'm God, but without the responsibility of making tornados

and coming up with all those different kinds of fishes.

Have you ever seen one of those real-life movies about the ocean?

There is some crazy shit in that water.

I won't go in above my ankles.

-Is, uh, there gonna be breakfast? -Oh, I haven't had time to make it yet.

Uh, so is it okay if I fix a little something to eat?

Why wouldn't it be okay?

I just didn't know if I had kitchen privileges.

It's not prison, Jack.

You can pour yourself a bowl of cereal without permission.

Actually, I think Barb is the only one who can authorize--

You can use the kitchen, Cool Hand.

Thank you.

Come here. Sit down.

This rich bitch has no idea how to clean.

She just vacuumed the sink.

Barb, none of that matters.

Just write down when they come and go so we know the best time to break in.

[rock music playing]

Hello, Bar.

Nicaraguan lady.

How did you know I was from--

It's a gift. I can detect all the flavors.

So, uh, are there any restrictions on the... waffles?

Is this him?

Yeah.

What are you two doing together?

Oh, me and Chicken Little? We've been chattin'.

And he's been spillin' all the tea.

You guys knocking me out, stealing my ATM card.

I'm sorry. He found my dick pic at his house, he tied me up,

and then he did love stuff with Wiggles.

[Gloria sighs]

Uh, no offense, dude, but shouldn't you have a mask on?

-None of you have masks on. -[Jack holds breath]

Well, we all live together, so...

And I spit on Rooster three times last night and tea-bagged his Fruit Loops,

so I guess I'm officially part of your bubble.

So, I hear you're some kind of criminal mastermind.

I'm not a criminal or a mastermind.

Just learned a few things inside.

He also tells me you only rob bad people,

which, as one of your victims, I'm a little offended by.

But since the only information you know about me was given to you

by this dipshit and his foot-faced mother,

I'll try not to take it personal.

-What the hell does "foot-faced" mean? -It means your face looks like a foot.

I don't see it.

That's a cute little jumper you got on.

Look, man, I'm cool if you're gay, okay? But just so you know,

I'm a little dyslexic,

so I struggle with the whole BQLTG stuff.

[Barb] What do you want, Melvin?

You want your money back? Fine, we'll pay you back.

Oh, no. I'm gonna take it out of your cut from your next job.

You guys work for me now.

-Uh... -[scoffs]

Or I could tell the po-po about these juicy little robberies y'all been doin',

and you all can go back to prison.

So, we have a deal?

Where's your bathroom? In my rush to get here this morning,

I think I put my drawers on backwards.

Upstairs.

Hey, way to go, Mac.

[groans] Ah, damn it. This is a knot. Can you do this?

I can't believe how stupid you were.

Oh, please. You knew exactly how stupid he was.

He messed up. Let it go.

How much does he know about the congresswoman job?

Oh, shit. I totally forgot about the congresswoman thing.

I guess we should tell him so he can clear his schedule.

No, Rooster! We shouldn't!

Look. No one mentions the congresswoman.

In the meantime, we do whatever Melvin says

until we figure out how to get him off our ass.

All right, fellas, you comin' with me.

Mastermind, go wait out on the porch.

But I haven't had my breakf-- Never mind.

Rooster, you think you can keep your thumbs out of your ass

long enough to carry some stuff?

Only did that one time.

And ladies, not gonna need you on this,

but maybe y'all could rustle up something yummy for when we get back.

Maybe some of those Nicaraguan donuts.

Buñuelos de yuca.

Hey, fellas, hold up.

-We could kill him. -Kill him?

-I thought you were religious. -I am.

Read the Bible sometime. That thing's wall-to-wall murder.

You're just gonna keep steppin' in shit, aren't ya?

Rooster, you're driving.

Oh, man. I haven't smoked in 26 years.

Sounds like you're overdue.

[psychedelic music intensifies]

[distorted] Scooch over a little bit. The seatbelt's in my ass crack.

[Barb laughing] I think this husband might need new knees.

He's been trying to stand up for five minutes now.

Oop, there he goes.

Hup? Ooh. Nope. Down again.

I was with an older man once. Fourteen.

I was thirteen.

Prude didn't wanna do anything more than kiss, though.

I was always mature for my age.

First one in my Brownie troop to get a pube.

[chuckling] Of course, they don't give you a badge for that.

Mm-hmm.

All right, come on!

I'm sittin' here trying to make conversation,

and I can't get a word out of you.

I'm trying to think of a way to solve our Melvin problem.

You can't think and be friendly at the same time?

-I didn't know this was a date. -You're lucky it's not a date.

By now I would have gone to the bathroom, snuck out the window,

and left you alone in a duckpin bowling alley for five hours

doing God knows what.

I actually did that to a guy, and I have no idea what he did after I left.

What exactly are you looking for here?

'Cause I never compared pubes with the girls in my Brownie troop, okay?

That's not normal.

Human connection!

I mean, with you living here, I thought maybe finally I'd have a gal pal.

But clearly you're not interested in being pals with this gal.

Uh...

[wind blowing]

[Melvin] It's like when you're at the airport and you forget to bring snacks.

And now you gotta buy it from a store in the terminal,

but they jack the shit up like three times the price.

That's when I realized that this stuff that people really needed--

-Someone just open a can of tennis balls? -Nah, that's me.

If it's something people really needed, like toilet paper,

I could charge them for it.

-Supply and demand. -Ooh, I like that.

"Supplyin' the man," 'cause I'm supplyin' the man with the things he needs.

-Wow. -Oh, but women buy stuff, too,

so I don't know if that works.

Hey, Rooster, you remember J.J.'s Wings?

He was too stupid to work the cash register,

so they put him outside in a chicken suit holding the sign.

-What'd it say? -"Honk if you give a cluck."

Well, I'm surprised he didn't screw that up, too.

Right?

Oh, did you hear that? Am I thinking really loud?

I guess so, but you're right.

This dude so dumb, he once stared at an orange juice carton for 20 minutes

because it said "concentrate."

No, I didn't!

He's so stupid, he thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

I know Tupac ain't no holiday!

And stop laughing, man. Handle your weed!

I'm sorry. The guy's funny.

Did you make up all these jokes, Melvin?

Nah, man. My uncle gave me an insult joke book for my fifth birthday.

I used to go ham on my grandma.

And you still remember them like twenty-some years later?

That's an impressive skill, Melvin.

I guess I'm a good remembererer.

-Wait. What was I sayin'? -"Supplyin' the man."

Oh yeah! Make a left.

When I see a need in the marketplace, I fill it.

Lately, I've been hearing that with people stuck at home,

they've been pickin' up new hobbies. Make a right.

Makin' things with paint, makin' bread with bread juice.

Makin' songs with instruments.

So, I went online, and sure enough,

the prices for musical instruments are through the roof!

That's when I realized

I know an abandoned building in town with a whole room full of instruments.

-You wanna rob a school? -It's empty 'cause of COVID.

All we gotta do is park around back and pick one lock.

-They don't have cameras in that thing? -Nah.

And if you didn't get kicked out of the ninth grade, you'd know that.

I didn't get kicked out.

All right? I got a B- on a science quiz.

I decided to go out on top. My choice.

I bet if we hurry, we could get done in an hour.

-Wait. You wanna do this right now? -Yeah. Why not?

Because it's in the middle of the day...

and we're high.

I'm not tryin' to go back to prison.

Besides, I don't wanna rob a school. Especially not this one.

The principal seemed like a really nice guy.

I was here a few days ago for a job interview.

Why?

Because I got a degree in prison, and I was hoping that I--

I don't-- it doesn't matter. Can't you think of someone else for us to rob?

I told you, man. He only robs bad people. It's annoying.

It sounds to me like the principal was an asshole. He didn't give you the job.

Nah. It wasn't his fault. The school system won't hire an ex-con.

That's even worse!

How do they expect you to make something out of yourself

if they're not willing to give you a chance.

The whole point is to rehabilitate.

Bullshit like that is the reason this system is a revolving door.

Yeah. You're right. That's actually--

That's actually really well-said, Melvin.

Thanks. I am good with words.

I should've been on that team

that challenges other schools to talk about shit.

-Debate? -Nah, I don't wanna debate it.

I'm just saying I'm good at it.

You don't have to feel bad about stealing from them.

They're treating you like a criminal anyway.

But you're probably right about not doin' this during the day.

We got a bit of time to kill. You boys like baseball?

Heh.

I'm sorry. You've been very nice letting me stay here.

I would love to... be your gal pal.

Sit down. I'll make us some wine.

Did you say "make"?

It's from a box, but I like to doctor it up

based on the time of day and season.

So... let's start gal-palin'.

Tell me how you ended up in jail.

And take it way back. Pretend I'm Oprah.

Fine. When I was little,

I realized some people had a lot more money than others.

Then, a few years later,

when the cash from my fast-food job wasn't adding up fast enough,

I had this great idea on how to make more money

by hollowing out all my old books.

I listed them online as a great place to hide your valuables.

Of course, anyone who bought one would give me their address.

And that was the key to the whole thing,

because, after that, all I had to do was remember where I sent what book,

hide for a little while, and then wait for the right time to sneak in.

It was actually a pretty clever first scam.

And when it worked, it felt amazing.

I went to college, but I only took courses

that helped me become a better con woman.

Psychology, accounting, computers...

Eventually I dropped out, hopped from city to city,

making friends with rich people and then disappearing with their money.

That's amazing!

So, how does a partially college-educated con artist eventually get caught?

-Mayonnaise. -Come again?

I told the guy not to put mayonnaise on my sub,

but when I took the first bite, it was 75% mayonnaise.

And, to be fair, he started it.

Anyway, one thing led to another. Things got ugly.

[sighs] Yeah. The video went viral, and someone I scammed recognized me.

I got six years...

but only had to serve three, thanks to COVID.

Wow!

I wouldn't have spent a day in jail if it wasn't for this one stupid mistake.

Hey. We all make mistakes.

And the internet is full of viral videos that are way worse than yours.

[intrigue music playing]

Barb, what is this?

Oh, this is disgusting!

Barb, Barb! Why would you show me this?!

That was you?

The guy who lived there never cleans up after his dog.

Oh. [chuckles]

Now that I know the backstory, that's kind of funny.

-Wanna see it again? -I do not.

Yep. Right there is good. You'll have a great view.

Whoa! Check it out! How cool is this?

It's like a tissue forest.

That's a lot of toilet paper, Melvin.

Yeah. I recently doubled the prices.

It take a little while for the neighborhood to adjust to inflation.

But there are two certainties in life, Jack-- death and shitting.

You're gonna love this game. No spoilers, but in the sixth inning...

You know what? Just watch it. You're gonna love it.

[funky music playing]

Yes!

Ahh.

Shit! Come on, man!

Hey, what's, uh... what's goin' on with your boyfriend?

He likes to pretend he's playing again like when he was little.

It's fun. I tried one time with my old gymnastics competitions,

but my dad only recorded the other girls for some reason.

-So, Melvin, that's you pitching? -Yeah.

All-state till I threw out my shoulder in junior high.

Throwing too hard?

Nah, I just slept on it funny.

I played some ball when I was younger.

This is a really cool idea, Melvin.

Thanks. Take third base.

-Really? -Yeah.

You look like you can handle the high corner.

I got an extra glove in my room.

[funky music playing]

-Can I play? -No. You're too short.

Taller than the kid playin' second.

[scoffs] Probably would've jumped up and caught that last one.

I said no. Just sit in the stands. You can try to get an autograph later.

-Look alive. This one is comin' to you. -Hup.

Nice snag! And you throw a rope to first base!

Thanks, Melvin. I feel like I would have.

Pfft. You throw like a girl.

Oh, oh. Uh-oh. Foul ball!

You gotta keep your eyes peeled, man.

I don't need this shit.

Y'all just keep laughin' at me, callin' me dumb, and won't let me play.

And now I got nacho cheese on me!

I'm gonna be hot and wet for a while, and then I'm gonna be cold and soggy.

And then after that, I'm gonna be all crusty!

-You can go to hell. -Oh well. You know what? Good.

You'd probably end up leaving a picture of your dick laying around

for the cops to find anyway.

Pfft. No doubt.

All right, we're up. You lead off.

[grunts]

-[screams] -[laughing]

-[Stan] Somethin' funny? -[clears throat]

Hello, Stan.

Just bringin' dinner to Mama. Pot stickers.

It's killing her she can't get down to Wang's

and get 'em hot and crispy right out of the fryer.

But COVID, right? What are you gonna do?

-You good? -Peachy.

Shouldn't you get those stickers to mom while they're still warm-ish.

Yeah. Yeah, good idea.

Who was that?

Stan. He grew up next door.

When we were little, we used to play

"Show me yours; I'll show you mine."

He liked mine a lot more than I liked his.

Then, in high school, I discovered strawberry wine.

Made the mistake of sleeping with him.

Then again before I got married.

Then twice after my husband died.

-Now he won't leave me alone. -Aww. He likes you. That's nice.

Nice? Yuck. No thank you.

Mama needs a little excitement in the sack.

Speaking of that, what's goin' on with you and Jack?

Rooster told me you guys had a thing in prison.

Well, we just used to talk to each other through the toilet. That's all.

And turns out, he was lying the whole time, so...

So? So what? Men lie all the time.

Stan already got his mother pot stickers an hour ago.

I saw them through the kitchen window.

Why are you back?

Because the first time I came by, Barb wasn't on her porch.

Just put them in the freezer.

All I'm saying is you've been locked up for three years.

I know you're itchin' to get laid.

Maybe it's time to scratch that itch.

Look, if I thought it could just be sex, I might treat myself.

But you think we're desperate? Jack's been locked up for 26 years.

The other day, our knees touched, and I thought he was gonna explode.

Trust me. If I feed him, you're not gonna be the only one

having a stray cat following you around.

That reminds me. Halloween 2012. I went as Catwoman.

Slept with Stan that night, too.

Mom wants dessert, so don't be surprised

if you see me again in a few minutes.

It takes a special type of man

to make me dislike my own damn porch.

Hey, Melvin, I dropped that wooden flute back there. Would you grab it?

Hey, what's the deal with that hot chick in y'all crew?

You tappin' that shit?

Oh, Gloria? No, we have not... tapped.

We talked some in prison, but...

Since we've been out, I'm kinda realizing that she's a little out of my league.

Any man can get any woman if he pushes the right buttons.

What exactly did you mean when you said, "push the right buttons," Melvin?

Oh, shit. Lookin' to get a little schoolin' from the master, huh?

Well, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean maybe.

Wiggles is really cute. I'm impressed, Melvin.

And I'd love to know how you managed to persuade her to be... tapped.

Human psychology.

When Wiggles was a kid, she didn't have much physical affection.

So, I got her one of those heavy blankets

so every night she feels like she's being snuggled.

Plus, she can't get from up under it without me,

so every morning I'm a hero.

-That's really smart, Melvin. -I know, right?

[truck rumbling]

Shit!

[rock music playing]

-This is Rooster's dinky-ass knife! -Son of a bitch!

Must've followed us to the school and done this while we was inside.

Why would he leave his knife in the tire, though?

He's gotta know we're gonna beat the shit out of him.

[sirens wailing]

-Not if we in jail! -Oh, no.

Shit, man! Her set us up and wanted us to know it!

No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening!

I can't go back! I didn't even wanna do this, man!

I did 26 years! I'm not supposed to go--

-I can't do this! -Just go.

What?

Even if I ran, they're gonna trace this truck back to me.

You can get away. Ain't no need for us both to get pinched.

Are you for real?

Yeah.

You're a good dude, man. And a solid third baseman.

Just promise me when you see Rooster, you beat the shit out of him.

Not a problem. Melvin, I don't know how to thank you.

Just go!

All right, calm down. Nothing here but some stolen instruments

and a very relaxed brother on weed.

-Ooh. -Hey. Did it work?

-Like a charm. -Did what work?

Rooster said you were robbing the school with Melvin.

-You didn't tell her? -Nah.

I was afraid she'd stop making donuts.

What's going on?

Well, I told you I used to read a lot in prison, right?

A few years ago, I read a book by a guy named Dale Carnegie.

I thought it might help me make friends after I got released.

In it he breaks down the basic principles of getting someone to like you.

First, use the person's name a lot,

because the person's name, to that person,

is the most beautiful word in any language.

Melvin, Melvin, Melvin...

Secondly, ask people about themselves and pretend to care.

So, Melvin, that's you pitching?

Wiggles is really cute. I'm impressed, Melvin.

And I'd love to know how you managed to persuade her to be... tapped.

Third, make other people feel important.

Yeah. You're right. That's actually--

That's actually really well-said, Melvin.

Thanks.

And you still remember them like twenty-some years later?

Guess I'm a good remembererer.

Lastly, smile.

Before I knew it, Melvin started to see me as a team mate.

But then I needed to let my real team mate in on the plan.

Oh, that's genius! I thought you were losin' your mind.

Hopefully it all works out. Give me your knife.

We just have to figure out a way for you to get pissed off enough

to storm out of here.

I think I have an idea.

-Foul ball! -[Jack and Melvin laughing]

Hey, Melvin, I dropped that wooden flute back there. Would you grab it?

[Melvin] Hey, what's the deal with that hot chick in y'all crew?

You tappin' that shit?

Oh, Gloria? No, we have not... tapped.

When did Jack say he and Melvin would be back?

Shouldn't be too much longer.

Hi. Yes. I'd like to report a break-in at the school.

I saw a dark blue truck driving north on Center Street.

And when the cops were on their way,

Melvin actually volunteered to take the hit.

See? Y'all were mad at me, but...

everything worked out just fine.

Melvin also made me promise to beat the shit out of Rooster.

Maybe you should.

We wouldn't be in this mess if he didn't screw up in the first place.

Are those jelly beans?

Yep. It's Easter dessert wine.

-My new gal pal made it for me. -[chuckles]

Mmm.

-Oh. That's not bad! -I know!

["The Way We Move" by Langhorne Slim playing]

Hey. Put your shoes on. I wanna show you something.

♪ Here we are Extending into shooting stars ♪

♪ In our houses, in our cars ♪

♪ You didn't know it Now you do ♪

♪ This is the way We move (hey) ♪

[Jack] Come on.

Where are we goin'?

You seem a little down on yourself.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Something I do when I need a little pick-me-up.

♪ Well, all my friends got crooked tales ♪

♪ But that's the way I like it That's just what I need, and ♪

♪ Here we are Extending into shooting stars ♪

♪ In our houses, in our cars ♪

♪ You didn't know it Now you do ♪

♪ This is the way (this is the way) We move (hey) ♪

Nice.

Thank you!

You're welcome!

-Feels good, right? -[Rooster laughing]

I... quit!

I have loaded that dishwasher for the last time.

We are going to the beach house Thursday.

Friday, Lucia is coming.

And the house can air out all weekend while no one's here.

I'm done!

They're going away for the weekend.

They're going away for the weekend!

We're gonna be rich!

["Here's to Hoping" by Jim Lauderdale playing]

♪ The half-full glass Is almost gone ♪

♪ But there might be a drop That's still floatin' ♪

♪ Raise it high For a clearer sky ♪

♪ And we'll all get by Here's to hopin' ♪

♪ While we get Back up on our feet ♪

♪ Remember what was sweet While you're copin' ♪

♪ To your health And staying well ♪

♪ Watch the chance to exhale Here's to hopin' ♪

♪ Catch a glimmer While it's gettin' dimmer ♪

♪ There's a tiny ray ♪

♪ Different choices from an inner voice That you want to say ♪

♪ Any little bit helps ♪

♪ And it seems like something great Is not too late ♪

♪ I'll be glad When we're building back ♪

♪ From the ashes that Are still smokin' ♪

♪ We can rise And we learn to fly ♪

♪ While we're getting by Here's to hopin' ♪

[Wiggles breathing heavily]

Gloria and I are gonna walk to the phone store.

If we're gonna hit the congresswoman's house Saturday,

we're all gonna need to be able to communicate.

[Barb] So, it takes two people to go to the phone store, does it?

Is this a date?

This is a big job. It has to be perfect.

Since she won't let me tell Wiggles I'm gonna be rich, I been doin' some googling.

This site "WikiHow"--

It's, like, doctors and scientists and shit.

It said that the best way to get Wiggles back

is to look handsome and act like I don't like her.

[groans]

God! That's like needles!