All language subtitles for Insecure.S01E02.Messy.as.Fuck.WEBRip.NF_HI.en

♪ Do you want your man or not? ♪

♪ Do you know your plans or not? ♪

♪ You gonna go back home or not? ♪

♪ You gonna claim your throne or not? ♪

♪ Is you Khaleesi or that other bitch
Whose name I don't remember? ♪

-[Molly] Issa!
-Huh?

-I'm hungry. Let's go!
-Okay!

♪ Why you gettin' loud? ♪

♪ Yo, you need to tone it down ♪

♪ Why you come around? ♪

Wait a minute. So you're trying to tell me
you went all the way to Daniel's house

and nothing happened?

Like, at all?

-I didn't even go inside.
-Hold the fuck up!

You got on stage and went all Dej Nope
about my broken pussy for nothing?

Like, all that drama for zero dick?

-Tsk, bitch, you buggin'.
-It wasn't for nothing, though.

Like, it wasn't even about Daniel.

It was about me.

Like, I became someone else up there.

-Mmm.
-You know, it was like brave me.

It was "no fucks" me.

And I wanna be that person.

You used to be that person,

all freestyle and drunk
in my backseat and shit.

So, what, you trying to be a rapper now?

No! I just wanna not be scared
to do shit anymore.

Well, you know what?
That sound real cool, real noble,

but can you just leave my shit out of it?

-[clicks tongue] You right.
-Okay, thank you!

And I'm really sorry
for saying your pussy's broken.

-You know, I was just talking.
-No, no, no, shut up.

You was right, my pussy is broken,
and I need to take better care of her.

So, I'm gonna get her a tune-up.

A tune-up?

Like, she needs her oil changed?

Like, your pussy gonna pass
a smog check or...

-Shut the fuck up.
-[laughs]

-I'mma get her fixed.
-How, Sway?

I'm making today Molly Maintenance Day.

I'mma get my hair done, nails done,
everything did.

Ooh, like a fancy day!

-Basically, yeah.
-[phone buzzing]

If I'm feeling fancy
and well taken care of, so will she.

-That makes sense.
-Right?

Yo, Issa, you got Lawrence calling me now.

What? Just... just ignore it.

[line ringing]

[Molly] Hello, you've reached
the voicemail box for Molly Carter.

-Please leave a message.
-[beeps]

[man 1] Watch him, now.

-[man 2] That's what's happening.
-[man 1] Watch him.

-Loving 80 right now.
-[phone buzzing]

-It's Rence.
-Rence!

-About time.
-Yo!

Hey, who all is there?

Oh, Fast Mike and Brandon. Where you at?

Man, Pasadena is far as fuck.

Nigga, it's only, like, four freeways.

-Grab me a Guinness, B.
-I got you.

Yo, bro, Fast Mike got fat as fuck.

I wanna call him Slow Mike,
but you know how sensitive that nigga get.

-Ah.
-[chuckles]

-What's good with you, man?
-Aw, shit is up right now, money.

I sold a house to Tiger earlier.

I was starstruck,
tap dancing for his ass and shit.

That nigga swole as fuck.
Commission was crazy.

-Oh, that's cool.
-What's up with you, man?

How's that new project going,
the Whoopty-Whoop?

-It's Whoop-Whoop.
-What'd I say?

Still working on my business plan, man.

Plus there's so many apps
out there now,

it's hard to break into the market.

Am I going too broad,
do I need to be more specific?

-It's just a lot, you know?
-Cool, cool.

That's what's up. Hey, I'mma be
selling you a house soon, fam.

-How are you and the old girl?
-Issa's cool.

She, um...

I kind of fucked up her birthday, man.

Aw, damn, man, you gotta fix that.

But other than that, you good, right?

Uh, actually, man,
I was calling 'cause I just wanted to...

Oh, shit, this motherfucker
hit a three, bro.

Hey, man, let me finish
the rest of this game.

-I'mma shout at you, all right?
-Yeah, all right.

All right, cool.

-[phone clangs]
-[upbeat music playing]

You getting a pedicure?

Mmm, I probably should.

Ooh, girl.

Lawrence ever suck your toes?

Once, but it made us both uncomfortable.

Ugh, he was sucking
on your big old man feet?

-Girl, I tell ya, that nigga is the one.
-Or someone else might be.

What are you talking about?

I like Lawrence.

Bitch, I love him, but...

I mean, maybe I'm not satisfied.

You know? Maybe I wanna be
dicked down properly.

You know? Maybe I wanna be face down,

ass up, surrounded by foreign freaks,
you know?

Maybe I wanna ask a nigga
what he wants for breakfast

and he replies, "That pussy,"
and he's talking about me, girl.

-You know?
-I can't with you. Mmm-mmm.

You don't know.

I'm just saying

Lawrence hasn't put it down
in a very long time, okay?

And maybe I need to get on
one of those apps like you, girl.

Girl, calm your deprived ass down.

-You are not about this app life.
-Try me.

Bitch, I'm not gonna sign up.

I just wanna see what's out there.

All right. You asked for it.

Check it. That's OkCupid.

It's free, so it's like
"bottom of the barrel" dudes.

Bought a bunch of new movies
at the barbershop.

Bootleg and chill?

Tinder used to be cool,
but now it's basically a fuck app.

So, what are you in the mood for?

We could ditch the menus
and have our own dinner for two.

Heh, I'll be six, you'll be nine.
[chuckles]

Hinge at least pulls
from your network of friends,

but apparently all my friends
only know Hotep niggas.

Uh-uh. No.

I just want a queen that respects herself,
who lays off the swine,

who stands beside her king
like a strong black woman should.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

But my queen gotta be a freak, too.

I fucked that nigga 'cause he was fine.

But then he had the nerve to dump me

'cause I told him I never
went to the beach till college.

Nigga, you sell Obama puzzles
at the African marketplace

and you gonna judge me?

You grew up in LA
and you never went to the beach?

Okay, Windsor Hills, I was a hood rat.

All I knew was Florence and Crenshaw.

Whatever, I am still fly.

Basically, most of these dudes
are not looking for a relationship.

They're just trying to fuck.

-Really?
-Yep.

I mean, I just wanna up the quality
of dudes that I meet.

There's this one app called The League.

It's for elite dating.

Like, girl, you gotta be a professional
just to get in.

I've been on a three-month waiting list.

Three months?

To meet one nigga?

Yeah, this is a lot.

You gotta fuck a lot of frogs
to get a good frog.

That's not the saying.

Or any saying.

The point is it's a numbers game.

Check it. I'm going on a date
with this frog tomorrow.

-Mmm.
-He could be different.

-You never know.
-Mmm.

So, what we doing next?

I gotta get my hair done
and then something else.

What?

It's a "vagacial" appointment.

It's like a facial for your vagina.

-I said everything did.
-Mmm.

I saw it on Draya's Instagram.

I mean, you could roll if you want to.

Fuck! I guess I'll go home

and deal with this
motherfucking relationship.

You should write Hallmark cards.

-Bitch, shut up.
-[chuckles]

I'll see you later.

Go handle your man, girl.

Do you know who you are?
You the bossiest bitch.

You a grown-ass woman like Solange's sis.

You gonna take control like Janet
or lose control like Missy.

The decision is yours.
Boss up or be a pussy.

Mmm-mmm, no.

[music playing]

[indistinct chatter over PA]

♪ If you're reading this
It's your birthday ♪

♪ We're gonna sip champagne like we... ♪

Thanks, man.

Issa.

-Lawrence?
-Where have you been, huh?

-I've been calling you.
-Oh, I... I...

You know, I had my phone on airplane mode.

-What the fuck?
-I'm just buying...

-You're buying panties?
-Why you being all loud?

Why are you buying a six pack?

It's cheaper,
and it's not like it's the cute kind.

Wait, are you not coming home?

Lawrence, I'm not ready
to talk about this right now.

No, no, no, no, no.
You can't keep ignoring me, Issa.

-I wanna talk!
-Lawrence, we are not

about to be the black couple
fighting in Rite Aid.

Listen, I know that this is
about your birthday, okay?

It's not even about my birthday.

-See? You don't even...
-I don't even what?

I... I can't do this right now.

-I'm sorry, I gotta go.
-Wait, Is... Issa!

[sighs]

Lawrence, wait.

Can I get your Rite Aid card
for the discount?

Come on, man.

[woman, on TV] I [bleep] men and women.

I got two bitches waiting on me outside...

and two counts of murder on my head
that they know about. [chuckles]

And I ain't sorry.

[whines]

Girl, hey! Look at you.

Uh, how was your "vagacial?"

This bitch blew bubbles at me.

My pussy is still broken.

At least I have an icebreaker
for my date tomorrow night.

But what are you still doing here?

I thought Miss No Fucks was going home.

Um, can I stay one more night?

Flavor Flav said yes already.

Issa, what's going on?
Why are you avoiding Lawrence?

I kissed Daniel.

But it was like... it was like... [kisses]

and then it was...
and then it was finished.

Bitch, I knew it with your old lying ass.

Okay, I did not lie

because, technically, I did not go inside
or fuck him.

That's a sound defense.

[sighs]

And I saw Lawrence, and...

Girl, he just doesn't get it.

And I don't know what to do.
And I'm just...

I'm tired.

Stay as long as you need.

Thank you.

[sighs]

And just so we're clear,
I'm still Miss No Fucks.

It's a... it's a whole process.
It's a thing, so...

Yeah.

How's your presentation going?

Girl, I got too much on my mind, okay?

I am about to just wing this shit,
"No Fucks" style.

And these white people, they're not even
gonna know the difference.

They're not gonna know!

You're so stupid.

Oh, can I borrow some clothes
for work tomorrow?

♪ ...told y'all, I told y'all
She a pimp, too ♪

♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪

♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪

♪ I told y'all she a pimp, too ♪

♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪

♪ Growing up, I was a dorky dame ♪

♪ Got money, then the story change ♪

♪ Glory came, now all I crave... ♪

Boy, bye. Nope!

♪ I told y'all she a pimp, too ♪

♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪

Um, blazer twins.

Look at that.

Hey, I'm so glad you came in early.

So, about our youth...
Your youth outreach initiative,

um, did you get my email?

Oh, no, I had a lot to do this weekend.

Well, I don't wanna step on your toes,

but I spoke to some of the teachers
at Thomas Jefferson,

and it turns out the students have
a high interest in sports.

Sports? That's not exactly
outside of what they know,

and don't you think
that's extremely limiting?

No, I hear you.

That is sadly stereotypical.

But to your general point

about exposing them
to new and untraditional things,

what about partnering with USC
for sports like lacrosse,

water polo, or even real polo?

I don't...

Culturally speaking, I just...

It's crippling for inner city kids
to rely solely on sports

to achieve success, you know?

That's true.

Well, my other idea was to take them
to different neighborhoods

and to do a community cleanup.

You mean take a bunch of black kids

and have them clean up the streets
like a chain gang?

That's the whitest shit you've ever said!

You know, community service is cool,
but I think I found my stride.

-I've got this.
-Okay.

-Thank you, though.
-Thank you.

Guys, I've been doing this a long time,

but I still get excited
when my staff takes initiative

to maximize their impact in the classroom.

Issa, Frieda, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Joanne.

[clears throat] So the kids
of Thomas Jefferson Middle School

are stagnant because they don't know
what else is out there.

So, my idea is to expose them

to the arts around Los Angeles.

Which arts?

Uh, all of them.

Are you referring to, like,
visual arts, theatrical arts,

or did you really just mean the arts?

Um, what I'm asking is, is that it?

[chuckles] No, that's...
Uh-uh, that's not it.

Um, if they're interested
in painting and sculpture,

we can take them to The Broad.

If they like music,

we can take them to the Hollywood Bowl.
There's the Watts Towers...

Have you put together a budget on this?

-That sounds expensive.
-It does, right?

No, I was gonna get people
excited about it first

and then I was gonna
take a stab at the budget.

A stab?

So, you have really no idea
how much this is gonna cost at all?

This sounds like a whole lot of work
for very little benefit.

[Joanne] I see where
you're going with this,

but have you thought
about the risk factors,

the executions, how is it mission-driven?

Uh, the... the mission would be... Help.

We were also considering
a community service component,

-which I...
-Not yet, Frieda.

This is Issa's idea. Let her finish.

Okay.

Yeah, no, uh,
a community service component

could also be included, um...

Culturally, I'm just, like...

Wouldn't they rather go
to an African American museum

or, like, a Latino museum

and just see how much more grateful
other generations were?

Oh, my God, what about
hip-hop Shakespeare?

The kids would love Othello.

An interracial romance.

Ooh, what about a drum circle?

That really helps with aggression.

I took an African dance class
in high school,

so I could do mask work with the kids.

-[voices overlapping]
-We watch Lemonade

and then we go to Lemonade and we eat.

We eat good food that's good for you
and we see art.

[voices overlapping]

Can I have a few minutes, please?

[chatter stops]

Everyone, let's reconvene
at the end of the day.

[phone rings]

Yes, but when the plaintiff took this job,

he signed a waiver
that completely indemnifies

our client of any and all risks
associated with operating heavy machinery.

You are so fucking smart.

[chuckles] I'll keep reviewing
the employment contract.

[knocking] Sorry to interrupt.

-Hey.
-Molly, good points today.

Oh, thank you, 'cause,
you know, actually, I was...

Diane, I never got a chance
to formally congratulate you

on your engagement.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

Wedding planning is the most stressful.

My wife and I went crazy.

-Are you going crazy yet?
-You know, I am going crazy

with all this work we have to do.

[chuckles] Oh, my God,

I haven't even thought
about the wedding yet, you guys.

It's, like, only been a few days.

-Did you see the ring?
-[man] Oh!

-[woman] Well, there it is. Wow.
-[Diane] It's a princess cut.

-[woman] That is a diamond.
-[man] Look at mine.

-Look at that.
-[woman] Mmm-hmm.

-Come in.
-Hey.

Um, so, I'm sorry about
the presentation today.

-I know you were expecting more.
-I was.

Um, and I just wanna let you know

that I am fully committed to
and invested in We Got Y'all.

-I've just had a lot...
-Let me stop you right there.

-You're not.
-Um, sorry?

I hired you because I saw someone
who wanted to make a difference.

You seemed passionate at first,

but I've noticed you've been
on autopilot for a while now.

If you don't wanna do the work,

if you're no longer invested
in what we're trying to do here,

maybe this isn't the right place for you.

No, it... No, it is!

And you're right.

I... I wanna be here.

And I will... I will do better.

The leader who does not take advice
is not a leader.

That's a proverb from Kenya, date unknown.

Okay.

[music playing]

♪ Every day a new escape ♪

♪ I awake, looking for the sun ♪

♪ Hoping that I never break ♪

♪ I'm on the edge
Wanting me to trip and fall ♪

♪ Feeling every eye on me to ignore ♪

♪ Got the feeling that they wanted more ♪

[singer vocalizing]

♪ Wanted more ♪

♪ Bound to you ♪

♪ If you're reading this
It's your birthday ♪

♪ We'll sip champagne
Like we're thirsty... ♪

What up, yo?

Nothing, bro. I'm good.

♪ So let's have a toast
It's your birthday ♪

♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday... ♪

Hey, something up?

I ain't seen your girl in a minute.
Y'all good?

-She leave you for another bitch?
-What? No.

-No.
-Talk to me, blood.

Me and Nala was just about
to go watch the Bare Bears.

-Care Bears, Daddy.
-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

We don't use no C-word, sweetheart.

This is a blood house.

Are you sure you're "bool," man?

[sighs]

I've just been messing up.

I started this business
that didn't pan out.

Now I'm watching
all my friends just pass me by.

It's just been frustrating on all levels.

Yeah, a nigga's stuck.

Yeah.

You ain't working, you ain't providing.

Shit, you probably
ain't even putting it down.

-Man, hey.
-Nah, nah, no disrespect.

-You love your girl and shit, right?
-Yeah, I do.

I just... I just don't know
how to change things, man.

Well, hear me out.

I used to be out there fucking bitches,
being inconsiderate and shit.

But then when I had Nala, I was like,
"What if she meet a nigga like me?"

I even tried to make it work
with her moms,

but her moms is a H-O-E.

-So F-U-C-K her B-I-T-C-H-A-S-S.
-Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Gotta spell fast. She getting so smart.

She know her ABBs and shit.

That's little Einstein, huh?

Daddy's little Einstein.

Anyway, bling your shit up, blood.

Hey, and if it don't work out,
I got bitches.

Cool.

"Bool."

I completely forgot about the surveys
these kids did.

Yeah, well, they were still
in sealed envelopes.

The voice of the children.

You believe this? It's so telling.

And you were right, they did mostly list

basketball and football
in their interests. [scoffs]

Mostly spelled wrong, but still.

They wanna be part of a team.

Or they wanna take it out the hood.
Look at this question.

"What is something you'd like We Got Y'all
to do next year?"

-This is sad.
-"Take us to the Crenshaw mall."

"Go to Benihana's."

"Dave & Buster's."

"Stand in line for Jordans."

These kids can't even imagine
past the 10 freeway.

No, I'm not... I'm not laughing at...

-That's... that's sad.
-It's sad.

No, my friend grew up around here

and she was talking about
how she never went to the beach

-until college.
-No way.

-Is she okay?
-Yeah, she's fine.

-She's a lawyer, but...
-Okay.

I don't know,

what if we just took these kids
to the beach to start?

You know, we could even
do your service idea and make it a...

[both] Beach cleanup.

Word twins.

Hello.

-It's becoming our thing.
-Mmm-mmm.

[music playing]

[chatter, laughter]

No, no, no, look,

hands down, the worst dating
experience I've had,

-Coffee Meets Bagel.
-Wait, worse than OkCupid?

Listen, I've never had so many women
eyeing my shoe size

and asking me, "So, are the rumors true?"

-Wait, about your...
-Uh-huh.

Yep, white girls have no shame.

Oh, so you mostly date white girls?

Not at all.
I just went through this period

-where black women weren't feeling me.
-Now I know you lying.

No, no, no, listen,
you're the first black woman

who's responded to me in a minute.

-I don't know what it is.
-Really?

Really.

Wow.

-You two okay?
-Mmm-hmm.

You want some more wine
or are you in a rush?

Sure. No rush here.

Can we have your Argentinian Malbec?

-Okay.
-Thanks, man. You're gonna like this.

-Oh, am I?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Am I gonna like it
like I like your chicken?

Uh, I mean, you know...

-I mean, just a taste!
-You got pasta.

-This was fun.
-Yeah!

You wanna grab some coffee?

Uh, definitely.

You trying to fuck, though?

-You motherfucker.
-All right.

You think that just 'cause you know
some fancy wine-speak,

I'm just supposed to let you take me home?

What, three glasses of Spanish wine
means we fuck?

-Malbec's Argentinian, but...
-[sighs]

I spent all this time trying to make sure
that my pussy is fixed,

but it turns out you are just like
every other single asshole out here.

I didn't break my pussy,
niggas like you broke my pussy.

[phone buzzes]

So, I'm home.

You still the same nigga?

"Yep, but who else you gonna be with?"

Oh, I got options, nigga. I got options.

"So, you ready to talk now?"

You ready to man-up now? Ha!

You wasn't expecting that, huh?
That was good.

That's, like, pow. "What's my mama
gonna say about us breaking up?"

I don't give a shit
about your mama, nigga!

She's really nice.

"Where'd you put all my shit?"
In a box to the left.

[chuckles] It's like a jungle
sometimes, nigga.

"So, you know I'm gonna take all my DVDs."

Don't nobody want
your Steve Harvey box set.

"You know I'm still working
on my business plan."

I got a plan. Start the business.

Nigga, how 'bout that?

"Bitch, you know I love you."
I love you, too.

[sighs]

Hey, broken pussy!

Jared.

-Right, right.
-What's up?

You got... you got a little...

-Oh.
-...something all over your face.

Okay, so you got jokes.

Somebody runs out of a club
and don't say goodbye.

[chuckles] Yeah.

-Uh, who is this?
-That's Flavor Flav.

Oh, you should get a Doberman
and name him Chuck D.

-Thank you.
-Real clever.

I tried. Did a little something.

Got an interview
with a headhunter tomorrow.

That's great.

I shouldn't have ignored you today.

Thug Yoda spelled
an entire sentence today.

For real?

-That's "brazy."
-[both chuckling]

♪ Heartbreaks, setbacks ♪

♪ Breakups, makeups ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Breakdowns, build-ups ♪

♪ Knockdowns, broke down ♪

♪ But still try, try, try, try ♪

♪ Baby, this could be
A chance for us to see ♪

♪ Maybe we'll figure out
Where we're supposed to be ♪

♪ Until we find the truth ♪

♪ There's something we should do ♪

♪ Can't let the love stop
Flowing from me to you ♪

♪ You know we tried way too hard to find ♪

♪ A love that's really blind ♪

♪ So why even try? ♪

♪ Baby, this could be
A chance for us to see ♪

♪ Maybe we'll figure out
Where we're supposed to be ♪

♪ Until we find the truth
There's something we should do ♪

♪ Can't let the love stop
Flowing from me to you. ♪

[vocalizing]