Original subtitles

Well, there are lots of exciting options, but I like Sex On Th

Is that vodka-based or...? Oh, are we talking about drinks?

It would be a port and lemon for me. Bitter, tart.

You said it, mate.

What if was puddle water mixed with river water?

It's still not a cocktail, Robin.

It's all I've ever drunk! Right.

And seeing as Mary doesn't partake...

Tis devil's juice!

..that just about wraps up our Inaugural Cocktail Society.

Cock Soc. No, we're not calling it that, mate.

When I was fucdut as CO of Ick... Those aren't real words!

..it was the highlight of our week on a Friday night...

SINGING

# What a day it is... #

Is that me?

Good morning! Good morning!

# Ra-ta-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta... #

Oh, Kitty! What pretty hair you have today!

And, Robin, looking very sprightly.

And a lovely smile as always,

from my dearest Patty Cake!

Huh? What just happened?

And then pages seven and nine. OK.

Nice.

This, um, rosewood?

That's my granola. Mm.

OK. Marvellous. Well, your driveway is now

officially your driveway.

Sorry, again. This really should have come up in our searches.

These things happen. To us.

Hopefully, we won't find any more skeletons in the... Basement

..closet. Closet. Hm? Mm.

Well, we should get going. My sister's coming over.

But... Sister? I didn't think you had a sister.

Oh, yeah. No. Recent development.

Yeah. Long-lost sister.

Well, actually, half sister.

Which half? On which side?

My dad's. Older, younger?

Uh, older?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Is there...? Is there a problem?

Well, she may have a claim to the estate, so either

you'd have to buy her out, which you don't have the money for, or sell

the house and split the proceeds.

Admittedly, those are worst-case scenarios,

but it's a very serious situation.

Oh, I mean... So, what can we do?

Well, first things first. You need to confirm her identity.

A birth certificate at least, if not a DNA test. A DNA test?

You're not serious.

I'm always serious. Ask my wife.

ALL TALKING AT ONCE

No, no, look, look! I know Fanny better than any of you.

She does have a lighter side, you know. Not that light!

No, something's up.

Perhaps she's unwell.

She's dead, Kitty. There you are, then.

Perhaps she has been possessed.

There's no such thing as possession.

Well, there's no such thing as ghosts, but...

He's right, isn't he?

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Well, can't you just drop it in conversationally?

Oh, yeah. "Oh, hi, Lucy. Nice weather.

"Can I test your DNA?"

Look, she might not even want the house.

He did say it was just worst-case scenario. He knows he screwed up

the driveway thing, so he's just being super cautious.

Anyway, I want to get back to work.

Hey, look at me.

I've got the kind of work that people have got to get back to.

I'm really growing as a person.

Don't know whether to be proud or depressed.

Ah! Alison! I couldn't help but overhear... Well, you could.

..something about Lucy. A test?

Oh, yeah. I just...

I have to sort of confirm she is who she says she is.

You mean like a spy?

No, that's not...

Now, I happen to have a very particular set of skills

when it comes to rooting out bad apples. Yep.

If someone wanted, someone could conduct some covert

surveillance on a certain someone, if someone

didn't want to get their hands dirty, if you know what I mean.

I don't want you to spy on my sister, if that's what you mean.

So, you DON'T want me to spy on her? Jolly good.

No, no, really, Captain.

I really... I really don't want you to spy on her. What?

I don't. I'm just going to talk to her and, you know, ask

for some clarity and, uh, some ID and a DNA swab,

and then just ruin our relationship before we've even...

OK, actually, do you know what?

Maybe a little light surveillance wouldn't be the worst idea.

OK, do it. Do you mean do it as in

"don't do it" or do it as in "do it"?

Do it. So, don't. No, do. Yes.

Do.

Ah, all right. Erm...

Don't. Jolly good, right.

Sorry. Is that actual don't or...? How did we win the war?

All right, young lady! All right.

I'll make it simple for you. If you want to green light

this mission say "eiderdown".

Eiderdown. Shh! Ah.

WHISPERING: For goodness' sake!

All right. We'll soon find out if she's a German.

I mean, she is who she says she is.

OK. Good luck.

Thank you? Mm.

Right. Let's get in amongst them.

Stop it!

Well, I'm bored! I miss the office, the banter, the secretaries.

Whir of the fax, the secretaries, photocopier, the secretaries

ON the photocopier.

Oh!

JULIAN GRUNTS

Right. Do you know what a line manager is?

Because mine is very serious. Yeah?

I'm sure that you find this stuff hilarious. What's up with h

Oh, just being a square.

He's having a square meal and he's off to a square dance

in Trafalgar Square.

So, please just let me get on! Huh.

Oh, my!

Oh! Like bum? Yeah!

Exactly like bum. Just stop it!

All right? Or I'm telling Alison. Ooh! Ooh!

Thank you.

No!

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no. Unsend. Unsend!

GRAVEL CRUNCHING UNDER TYRES

Oh, joy! The other one. Kitty.

To think my head was turned by such

a pale imitation of perfection. It's so nice she's back.

When she's leaving?

She's staying the night. A sleepover? Mm-mm.

Which I'm fine about, actually. Yeah.

Not jealous at all.

The opposite of jealous. If anything, I'm happy.

And if you see me crying, it's because I'm so happy.

SHE SOBS

I'm going to kill him! I'm going to resurrect him

and I'm going to kill him. Robin. It wasn't me!

So, I'm typing an email, right, to my boss and old Mr Funny Fingers

starts messing with the keyboard,

changing words to rude words.

Made annual review anal review.

Like bum!

ALISON CHUCKLES

Yes. No. That... That's not funny

at the end of the day. I mean, you can't... You really can't.

I asked him to stop. I begged him.

And what does he do? Puts a kiss on it.

Best wishes, Michael, kiss. Mwah!

And we do not have that kind of relationship at all!

OK, yeah, he really shouldn't have done that.

But I doubt they'll even notice. Well, she better not or I'll...

You'll what, mate? What are you going to do?

Oh, it's so hard to threaten dead people!

Yeah, keep walking! Toodle-oo!

It was funny, really funny.

It's given me a stitch! Aha!

Hey! Hey! How are you? So lovely

Oh. No, it's...

And I feel nothing. Less than nothing.

Oh, I thought you were only coming for one night.

Oh, yeah. I always over-pack. Dressing gown, slippers,

a couple of books. What are you reading?

Just some poetry. Oh, right.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Thomas, if you could just dial down the flirting while my sister

is here, please, because it's...

Thomas? Oh.

Mm.

If you just go through, we're heading up the stairs to the bl

Oh, and I brought this

for a few. Well, for us. Ah, Sancerre.

A woman of taste. Flinty!

I knows of what I speaks. I'm telling you, Fanny be the devil.

I saw her head make turns of full circle.

Really?

Well, no, but she did that and she did that.

So, how long till they meet in the middle?

I normally just pick the nicest label.

Bless you. What a charming young lady. So polite.

Oh, her you like. Sorry?

Uh... I heard you like to...

Do you...? Do you like to travel?

Erm, when I can. Yeah.

Oh. I just got back from Berlin. OK.

I knew it! She's German.

Oh, no. We're not doing that, are we? Carry on.

But a demon wouldn't make her act happy, Mary!

They're not jolly things, demons!

Oh, I don't know. Vice, decadence, fornication.

Nice work if you can get it.

Begone, foul demon!

Mary, you gave me a start!

Oh, you are a card.

Right! Something's up

and I'm going to find out exactly what it is, young lady.

Old lady. Lady! Patrick,

I'm afraid I have no idea to what you might be... Be not foole

She be in the throne of some chucklesome imp!

I'm quite sure there's been no change to my... Aha!

I recognise that glint in your eye.

I've seen it many times in mirrors.

You're having an affair.

I am not! How dare you!

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho!

LAUGHTER

No, hang on. Hang on!

Well, she ghost. Huh? So, she can only...

..with other ghosts.

Which mean whoever she...

..with must be someone in this room.

GASPING

Or the Captain.

Someone in this room.

Do you ever get lost in here?

Well, no, I mean, you get used to...

Yeah, yes, actually. Yeah, yeah. All the time. It's awful.

It's actually too big, if anything.

So much space!

Yet also quite small,

weirdly, once you're in. It's sort of one of those places it's better

to visit than to... Well, anyway, you're in here.

Oh, my... Wow!

Well, it's a bit bleh. I'll let you get settled in.

I'll see you downstairs in ten? Great.

OK. All right. Oh, my God!

Excellent.

Square room, one exit.

I'll keep her on nightwatch.

Fingers crossed for a little pillow talk.

Well, no, she's on her own, so there won't be any pillow talk.

So? You do know what pillow talk is?

Talking to your pillow.

Who talks to their pillow?

Yes. Yes.

I mean... I mean, who on Earth would do something like that? Ha-ha.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mm. Yeah. Mm-mm.

EMAIL PINGS

Doesn't mention the kiss. No thanks to you!

Could have been Mikey No Job. Then what?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Two kisses. That's a kiss more than my kiss.

What does that mean? Do I reply with three kisses?

I can't do no kisses after two kisses.

If I reply with three, does she reply with four? Where does th

You see what you've done?! Huh?

You see? Your actions have consequences! Yeah?

You walk around this house, touching stuff, pushing stuff.

Fanny Button, how dare you?

I mean, I've had my dalliances, hasn't everyone?

But even I draw the line somewhere.

I think the lady doth protest too much.

Although there are those who say, "Man who point finger."

Me? I've never even thought about it.

Well, I did have one dream, but in my defence, she had your head.

What? OK. Well, what about Thomas?

Where's he all of a sudden?

Yeah! Unless he's behind me. Is he behind me?

He's only got eyes for Alison. No, no, no, no.

I don't think he does.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Did you miss me?

GIGGLING

It's not me! No way, Jose! Well, it could be him. Could be the ape.

Ape? Read some Darwin!

Not a demon. It be not a demon!

What? I did see Fanny locked in the tryst. She have herself

a bawcock, a fancy man. Ooh! Ha!

Told you! Well, who is it?

It be...

..Humphrey.

Huh? No, it's not.

Not that bit. Huh?

Aw.

You see!

Mm. It's complicated.

You're telling me!

Ah, changing for dinner?

Well, yeah, I'm trying to, but, Thomas, we've spoken about this.

OK? You can't be in here when I'm trying to... Nice to make a

when one has guests.

Is she's not around, Lucy? Mm?

Oh, no. No. I put her in the Blue Room.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm actually trying to get ready for

Thomas?

Mm.

Look, I appreciate it may be a little unorthodox.

Unorthodox? It's not like you're courting my brother

or something. That's me!

OK, OK, OK, let's not lose our heads. No offence.

JULIAN AND ROBIN LAUGH

Fanny,

is it not possible that you feel so drawn to that bit of Humphrey

because he doesn't argue with, judge or upset you,

what with him not having a head? He's got a head! Yeah.

Look, you can think what you like. I know how I feel.

I am in love with some of this man and I don't care who knows it.

Good for you, girl.

CELLPHONE BUZZES

Mm, interesting.

Most interesting.

Ah!

MUFFLED: Very interesting.

You know what, honesty's the best policy.

Pfft!

No, no. Policy and honesty, two very different things, mate.

"Kisses?

"Just to clear up any confusion...

"I want you to know there was a typo in my previous email.

"I want you..."

JULIAN GRUNTS

Yeah! You son of a...!

SINGING: That's fun, that's fun! It's fun, it's fun, it's

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Just a cheeky bit of fun! It's office japes!

Wait till she reads that.

EMAIL PINGS

"This is a wholly inappropriate use of corporate communications.

"This is now a matter that we will need to discuss in person."

Great. You've got me fired.

I'm going to get fired! You happy now, mm?

I'm going to get fired.

Fired? For that?

Gah! Whatever next?

No bottom patting?

Honestly!

MUSIC: Fantasy Overture - Romeo and Juliet

HE GASPS

Keeps happening.

It's a sort of cafe-cum-art space, I suppose.

Well, that's the plan anyway.

Coffee and paint, but not in the same cup.

Same cup! That's... That's a really great idea.

Yeah. And perfect location.

Were you...? Were you born near there?

Oh, no. No. Heavens, no.

And, I mean, it's just a small space.

I mean, compared to this, this is... Ah, it's not really.

Are you kidding?

I mean, just look at the size at that cooker!

It's too hot or it's too cold. It's unreliable.

It's unsafe, probably. It's homely, though, isn't it?

It's like a real fire.

I like a real fire. Oh, she's hot.

And sensitive. Oh, yes.

Look at her with her perfect hair

and her shiny teeth and her flawless skin.

I far prefer you.

Cheers. Yeah, cheers.

If you'd had told me 400 years ago

that, one day, I'd be watching my decapitated body

having an affair with a 60-year-old dead woman,

I'd have said you were mad.

PATRICK: And that would be fair enough, mate.

MARY: She does look happy, though.

I've not seen Fanny like it.

She's right.

I mean, call me an old romantic,

but is it not possible that there could be something in this?

Are you having a laugh?

I'm just saying, mate, you know, some part of you...

Well, most of you, proportionally speaking, feels quite content

with the situation.

And, likes it or not, it be that bit which hath the heart.

I never really knew where I was with him.

He's a damn fool! I should probably put myself back out there.

I'm not getting any younger. Oh, no!

Well, I mean, you're only... 21. 108.

What year were you born?

Don't. It's depressing.

I still feel like I'm 25. Whereas, of course,

in fact, you are...? Oh, I'm holding up OK, I suppose.

Got Dad's skin. Yeah.

Looks like we both did. Yeah.

Alison.

Eiderdown, de-brief. Corridor.

Quick as you like.

I've just... I've got to nip to the loo. Yeah.

I kept my dad's skin.

Surveillance briefing, day one,

the time is, erm... I don't have a watch. Do you have the time?

It doesn't matter. OK. Present,

Great. Just great. What is it?

It's my boss. She's here to fire me.

What? Not because of...

Yep, forget what I said earlier.

Worst-case scenario, that's what will happen every time.

Come on along then! I said no pushing! I'm going!

Don't mind me. Just borrowing that.

Right, do you want this briefing or not? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah. What did you find? Right.

Well, for starters, I discovered that she carries secreted about her

person a field telephone.

Do you mean a mobile? Precisely.

But that's not all. She has this bag. Within that bag

is a smaller bag, and within that bag

a bag smaller still, that contains a stick of lipstick stick,

a tiny mirror and a comb.

OK, just to save us both a lot of time, is the gist of this

that you didn't find out anything about her of any consequence

Well, we wouldn't put it quite like that

in the intelligence community, but...

Great, great, great. Thank you. Thank you so much for your help.

You're very welcome. Yeah.

Oh, no! I see what you're doing.

Yeah, very clever.

I don't appreciate that tone, Alison.

Look, if I didn't find anything, then there wasn't anything to find.

I can assure you, nothing gets past me. Throughout the entirety

of my military career,

not a single spy ever infiltrated my unit. Or loads did and you

never found them. Right. OK, OK.

So, it comes down to me. Well, I'm just going to have to come out

and ask her. How the hell am I going to do this?

Jacqui. Michael. Now, before you

just apologise?

I didn't mean... Michael, stop talking.

I feel the same way.

What? Come on!

No time like the present.

Right, the thing is, Lucy, is that I need to know

if you would...

..like tea?

Would you like some tea?

Because I've got a range.

Yeah, if you're making one. Right, that's it!

Enough puttyfoosing around... Pussy!

It's time for you to come clean, young lady. The thing is...

Well, it's... Uh, if I could... Time to come in from the cold.

The real question is... Are you OK?

Yeah.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

And feel free to answer in your native tongue. I just need to..

You tell her, Captain. She's not welcome here.

How dare you insult this gentlewoman, sire!

No, no, no. I disagree.

ALL TALKING AT ONCE

LOUDLY: It's more of like a legal question.

More than... Alison, what's going on?

SHOUTING

No, no, I just thought I could just print them out

and then I won't have to send them through. Michael!

Mike, that can wait.

I think we should talk about us.

Oh. Well, yes, actually, I think there's been some confusion,

so I just want to be absolutely clear.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

LUCY LAUGHS

You've made yourself quite clear.

LOUD CHATTERING

Right!

The thing is, so my solicitor has asked me, advised me,

to confirm your identity

and any, well, intentions with regards

to... Well, like in terms of inheritance on the house.

What? I don't want your house!

How could you think that?

I don't want anything from you.

I found out I had a sister and I wanted that.

And I thought that you might want that.

No, I do. I just...

Do you know what? I think I was better off on my own.

No, Lucy, wait! Lucy!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your hand!

I'm married.

Oh, that's fine. So am I!

No, no, I'm happily married.

This is all just a misunderstanding.

Those emails, they were typos.

I've got this annoying keyboard and it cut out that line

and it added the X, and this is really... It's not what I meant.

Really.

Oh, not again.

I'm sorry, I thought you were coming here to fire me.

I could fire you. What?

God, I said that out loud! No, no,

of course I wouldn't fire you. Not after I... Not that I did!

Don't tell HR!

Well, that took a turn. Hang on. Surely it's me that would...

OK, OK, OK.

If you promise to keep this strictly between ourselves,

here's what I can do for you.

I'm really sorry again.

Yeah, you said. Are you sure that you won't stay

cos we've barely had pudding? Yes, stay.

Pray, stay! I think it's better that I just clear my head a bi

Take some time, you know? Urgh!

No, let her go. I'm better off without her.

No taste, no class.

Are you wearing lipstick? Urgh.

Well, I mean, if you're sure, then... I'm sure.

Call me!

I think you were rather snappy with the mission there, Alison.

Well, thanks and sorry.

Fired? Promoted.

What? Long story.

I thought she was staying. Long story.

Is it Damson Red?

Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah. Beautiful. Oh, thanks.

Like two crimson rivers curling into a turtle... Oh, God.

MOANING

Knock, knock. Only me.

And me. Look, top of Humphrey,

I don't know you don't approve of... Please, just let me speak.

I can't pretend all this didn't take me by surprise.

But what do I know about love? My marriage ended with me

getting me head chopped off.

So, if some part of me likes some part of you,

then couldn't we all just give this a chance?

Oh.

I don't know where we go from here.

But if there's one thing I do, is that love...

No! Eh? No, no, that's ruined it

Oh, and I don't know what I ever saw in... And to think there was...

Urgh! No! Out of my way!

She's back.

Well, I guess it's just you and me...

Fair enough.

Interesting day. It's so easy to make assumptions about people

and then you find... Well, you don't really know them at all.

Half the time, we don't even know ourselves.

I suppose that we all have our little secrets.

Well, good night, old thing.

Mm.

Ah!