Original subtitles

HORSE WHINNIES AND SNORTS

Whether Elizabeth's spies knew about the letter

is still a matter of much conjecture.

JULIAN: Hello!

Where's she been hiding?

She's not dead, Julian.

The good ones never are.

It's just a costume.

They're making a documentary - History's Greatest Plots.

Apparently, there was a coup planned here back in the day.

Hey, look, that wasn't a coup, per se.

That was an informal discussion with some parliamentary colleagues

about Maggie's leadership style.

You know? She's not talking about the '80s, mate.

Look at her! What plot she talk abutt? About?

That's just what they told us. I thought you might know.

ROBIN GRUNTS

It's possible

Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters...

BUZZING

Oh!

SHE SQUEALS

GHOSTS LAUGH

One for the bloopers!

..Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters...

What?

Do you know, I don't think I've ever seen you laugh. Yeah.

I asked the producer if they'll name-check the house

and he just stared at me blankly, so...

That's the producer over there, Mike.

Oh. Well, then I asked some guy.

Er, do you mind? Some of us are trying to learn something here.

..regarded by many as a martyr, a mastermind,

a hero, and perhaps the most important person ever

to have walked these grounds.

Is it me? Sounds like me.

Which is why the history books echo with the name

Sir Humphrey Bone.

Oh. Huh. Hmm.

Heavens! Why, I think she means...

ALL: Oh.

Oh, it's fallen off again!

Humphrey? Where is he?

It's just such an incredible place.

You can almost hear the history echo from the walls.

Yeah, it's almost like...

HUBBUB

..it doesn't shut up!

And there's a Stuart facade,

and the Dutch gable, and the...

High-end B&B? In the gatehouse,

opens next spring. Tell your friends. We could probably

do a discount... We're really, really lucky

to have found - well, been given - this place.

Actually, we did wonder if you'd be up for talking about

your family connection to the house on camera.

Who? Me?

I-I-I-I... I've never been on camera.

Well, have a think about it.

Yeah. She'll think about it.

Are you mad?

Context? The interview.

To make the gatehouse a guest house, we need ghosts. Guests.

And this is free publicity, so... No, forget it.

I'm not going on telly. Why? What are you so scared of?

Going on telly!

Oh, you'd be great. No! The camera would love you.

Just tell your story, name-drop the house, and...

..oh, you could wear a top with our logo on it.

We don't have a top with our logo on it.

Hmm. We don't have a logo.

Hmm. I'll call Obi. He'll do us a quick logo.

Oooh...

Bad moonah on the rise.

Dust cover sun.

Birds fall. Crop fail.

Something wicked this way come.

BARKING

Bitches? Bitches!

Oh, that explain it. Anybody home?

Ah, Annabel!

ALL: Alison.

I was hoping I'd catch you. LADY BUTTON: Humphrey?

Humphrey! Humphrey!

Humphrey? Humphrey!

Humphrey! MARY: Head bit?

Humphrey? I'm just saying, personally speaking,

I can't remember ever seeing you properly laugh.

That's absolute nonsense. I laugh all the time.

Why, only the other evening, Fanny and I were in stitches

while recalling the satirical skewering

of socio-political institutions in The Mikado.

Isn't that right, Fanny? Mm? The Mikado?

Oh, hilarious skewering of socio-political institutions.

Hysterical. Side-splitting. Riotous.

I concur. So I hope that puts this matter to rest. Carry on.

Humphrey! Head? Humphrey?

Humphrey!

Neither of you laugh!

KITTY: Found it!

Him! Him, sorry.

You didn't tell us you were famous. Am I? Ooh, that's nice.

Am I a painter?

She means the plot, mate. The Catholic plot.

Oh, that.

You always said your death was just a misunderstanding.

Well, in a way, yeah.

Certainly wasn't, erm... straightforward.

What, one chop?

Well, it sounds pretty straightforward to me,

but then I was burned alive, so...

All right, now, steady on, Mary. Steady. Steady.

Well... I mean more that the circumstances were...

..complicated.

I could tell you about it if you like. Well, if you wouldn't m

That would be wonderful, yes. We've got all day.

Well...

Yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum!

Ooh, thank you.

HUMS TO HIMSELF

Bon matin?

Did you sleep well? Er, dormir...bon?

Cos it gets quite draughty down your end of the, um...

Do you want a bit of brekkie? Boeuf? Bit of brekkie, Sophie?

SIGHS

Oh, la la.

Qu'est ce qu'il veut maintenant?

Erm, I was just wondering if there might be

something you might fancy doing.

Not with me. Not with me.

No, erm, I meant more for you.

Like a hobby. Oh, c'est insupportable.

Something that might make you a bit more...

..joyeux?

Uh, tapestry? Maybe?

Or you could learn some English?

Or there's archery,

or you could learn a bit of English.

It doesn't matter, actually.

Livres.

Me leave?

I live here. Livres.

Salon de lecture?

Oh, like a reading group!

Yeah, great idea. You could use the chart room

up in my end if you wanted.

And maybe in winter, you could learn a bit of English.

It is...ugly language.

It is AN ugly language, but, yes, well done. Very good.

KITTY: Humphrey?

Humphrey?

Humphrey? Sorry.

It's not someone I've thought about in a very long... What ab

Do you like jokes?

Hmm.

Oh, I don't think we ever lent you a champagne bucket,

cos, well, we don't own a champagne bucket.

Well, you do now.

Oh, a film crew!

How surprising.

I'm surprised.

Though, now I think of it, I do remember Jan from the shop

mentioning something about a documentary, was it? Oh.

Lucky I dropped by!

I do feel lucky. I imagine they could use a little local knowle

fill in the gaps in their research.

I'm not sure that you...

..care what I say, or know my name. Hello there!

Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local landowner slash historian.

Urgh. He hasn't changed, has he?

Arrogant, sleazy, and entirely self-serving.

Can you believe I used to associate with that type?

SNORTS

So I've done a lot of...

Hello. See that?

I spy Harry Heart Attack.

Those three-bottle lunches finally catching up with him, eh?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha...

Oh, no.

Alison!

You have to get him out of here right now.

What are you talking about?

Barclay is on the verge of a heart attack.

Trust me, I know the signs.

What if he carks it right there and doesn't move on?

We could be stuck with him forever.

I think you're getting a bit carried away. Which means

you could be stuck with him, too.

Every day.

For the rest of your life.

Oh, no.

Lovely strip of land at the end of the drive there once belonged to me.

Ahh.

No way. OK, what about 4:30?

Can you do it by 4:30? It's not about the deadline.

I'm just not doing black text on a white T-shirt.

I'm an artiste.

What? Would you ask Michelangelo to touch up your skirting boar

Depends on his prices. And if he could do it by 4:30.

Here's what I'll do - custom vector logo,

three-colour digiprint on a high-weave cotton blend!

Sounds great. Thanks, man. Owe you one.

And you'll credit me on air, right?

I mean, if they ask about the top.

Oh, they'll ask about the top!

That's a fact!

And the priest says, "I know! That's why I painted it gold."

That is offensive to at least five different religions.

There are only three in it.

Give over. It's just a harmless bit of fun.

You haven't heard me jumbo jet joke yet.

There's a nun, a gorilla and a paed...

Do you mind? I'm baring my soul here.

You're making this very slow and painful.

Unlike his execution. Oh!

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Book club.

Bonjour. Good to, er, see you. Bonjour again.

Ca va?

Happy reading. What book is it this week?

Quel livre?

Le Printemps d'Yver, Contenant Plusieurs Histoires

Discourses en Cinq Journees

en Une Noble Compagnie au Chateau du Printemps.

Well, don't tell me how it ends.

Je voulais vous remercier. Pour m'avoir laisse faire ca.

Je me sens un peu mieux.

Ssh...

Moi...

..joyeux.

Thank you. You're welcome.

DOOR CLOSES

Well, don't just stand there. We have much to do.

We've received word from Queen Mary.

She approves of your plan, but only if we can act quickly.

There are spies everywhere.

We cannot delay.

Then Monday it is. We get Elizabeth on her way to chapel.

By this time next week, the true Queen will sit on the throne.

Death to Queen Bess. ALL: Death to Queen Bess.

What about him?

He knows nothing.

Famously.

THEY CHUCKLE

He is a good man.

So the plan is to conceal our blades here by the colonnade...

Well, fancy that! Young filly there seems to think I might have

some useful insights - her words, not mine.

Well, mine, but she nodded.

Wants to get me on camera.

And you're not, like, nervous about...?

Ah-ah-ah!

What I... What I mean by that is...

Tell the old guff to go and die on his own property.

He's got enough of it. Are you OK?

Me? Yes. Fit as a fiddle. In fact,

I'm on a bit of a health kick.

After 20 years of no exercise whatsoever,

I've just taken up squash.

Yeah, that'll do it. What is squash?

So, we've got a few more shots to grab in the Rose Garden

and then we'll be back to do the interviews.

If you're both happy and... Marvellous!

Yeah. I'll go and rehearse. There's no need

to prepare anything, really.

Best to keep it natural. Conversational.

Of course. Of course.

Amateur.

You have got to get him out of here!

I meant to say, Zara, there's a stunning view of the house,

er, from just... just past that fence.

I thought it might make a nice background for Barclay's interview.

OK. I'll take a look.

Yeah, yeah. Just PAST the fence.

Just outside the grounds. Outside. Outside.

Outside. Did you say outside?

Yeah, I think she got it.

Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local historian.

Friend of the house.

Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, Button House spokesman.

What's he doing here?

Cheg-Betwynde. Beg-Chetwynde.

He just appeared. Like posh Batman.

Well, he's in there saying he's our spokesman. Yeah, well,

he spoke to Zara and they want to film a bit with him now.

What? Yeah. Can't let him speak for

Oh, pile on the pressure.

It's just, I know that you can do it. You're the face of Button House.

Because you know what you've got?

Inner strength?

I was going to say a branded sweatshirt coming, but...

But inner strength. OK.

Yeah? Love you.

Is it your oral skills?

Excuse me? That worry you, about the interview?

I just don't want to be on camera, like public speaking.

I understand entirely.

I remember my first confabulation on Button FM.

Stammering like a chicken-hearted clown.

But I found my voice, Alison, and I can help you find yours.

OK?

OK.

How dare you?

I'll have you know I've got my entertainers badge.

I just hadn't sewn it on yet.

The same with my sewing badge.

I'm simply saying that the reason you so rarely see us

reduced to fits of hysteria is because in present company,

we're seldom given cause. All right, then.

Why don't you make us all laugh, show us how it's done?

I'll handle this, Fanny.

Right. Now. I just remember thinking,

"Well, it must be a pretty good book,

"cos they've been in there for ages."

Farewell. Au revoir. Er, bon...to see you all.

Take care.

HUMS TO HIMSELF

Oh, someone forgot their...

Oh!

Oh, no.

The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt.

The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt.

The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt.

The butler burnt the butter but the bacon...

Something amusing? Sorry. It's just,

it's hard to think of you in a sort of, well, teacher role.

Ah, I see.

Because of the frisson.

The frisson? The frisson between us.

I know it is difficult, Alison, but while you are under my tutelage,

you really must pretend there is no frisson.

Thomas, there is no frisson.

That's the spirit.

Now, then, your turn.

The butler... The butler burnt the butter and the butter...

BUTler. The butler burnt the butter...

Bu-t-t-t. Big but. Big but. That's it.

VIBRATES LIPS

MUFFLED: Welcome to Button House. That's it.

I know it feels strange but it really strengthens...

Shaking everything.

VIBRATES LIPS

I am a confident and beautiful young woman.

I am a confident woman... And I deserve to be on television.

Welcome to Button House. Hands at our sides.

We're not a seagull.

Thomas is terrific and I wish... Thomas is terrific and I wish...

..we were betrothed. ..we were... No.

It's just an exercise.

Fine, we'll do something else.

And the quartermaster says, "You may have paid the bill,

"but I'm still the PATE familias."

Because he'd had the pate.

The pate! Do you see?

It's very clever.

She didn't laugh.

You didn't laugh.

Nobody laughed. Yes.

Long, fancy words don't make something funny.

I find I often laugh most at the simplest things.

Duly noted.

Like someone else laughing. Oh, yes.

Laughter is contagious.

What? Oh, no! Oh, no, no. Not in a bad way, Kitty.

No, just that laughter breeds more laughter.

Preposterous. Balderdash.

SHE LAUGHS

HE CHUCKLES

THEY LAUGH

PHONE RINGS

What's up? About this top. I've been...

Haven't you done it yet? Impact-wise, we could wrap the text

around the trunk and... I don't care if you potato-print it

on a bin bag, as long as it says Button House

and it's here by 4:30, yeah? All right, all right, I'm on it!

This sweater is my Sistine Chapel roof.

Ceiling. Is it? Good.

Because I just googled the roof and I weren't blown away.

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

LAUGHING: I can't help myself!

ALL GASP FOR BREATH

Anyway, where was I?

About to die. Oh, yeah.

If you can calls that dying.

Bonne nuit, Sophie.

What have you done?

OUTSIDE: Halt! Her Majesty's Guard. We have to go.

Go? What?

You want to live, we must go.

OUTSIDE: Who do you think you are?

Humphrey!

I'll hold them off as long as I can.

THUDDING

Quoi?!

This isn't the life you signed up for. Go!

Have another one.

Well, go!

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Open this door!

Show yourself!

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Open up!

Ahh!

Keep going!

PRESENTER: ..beheaded on the spot for high treason,

so heinous was his crime,

with Mary's orders still in his hand.

Sir Humphrey Bone, mastermind of the Bone Plot,

and martyr to it.

SWORD UNSHEATHES

At least, that's how...

CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT

For valiance.

Yes. Quite right. Well said, that man.

Fair do's, actually. Fair do's.

It's a horrible way to go. Easy for you to say, isn't it?

You barely even feels an arrow.

You what?

We should tell Alison what we've learned.

Yes. And she can tell the television people.

ECHOING: This isn't the life you signed up for!

Go!

In the name of Her Majesty, open this door!

HAMMERING ON DOOR

SHOUTED ORDERS

Oh, God.

What am I doing?!

YELLS

Ha! Oh!

Ah! Yes! Yes!

God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

Her Majesty's Guards!

Show yourself!

DOOR OPENS

No sign of him, sir.

Why is it always bad news with you?

It's not always... It's never, "Oh, I've found him, he's t

I found that priest hole once. There was no priest in it.

That was just a hole.

SHUFFLING

God, I love this house.

BLADES CLASH, SQUELCH

Whoopsy-daisy.

I might say I did that. I would.

See, this is why I won't have swords in the house. Yeah.

Well, you've got kids, haven't you?

Bad day?

SCREAMS

Hey. Well, I think we're almost ready to do the interviews,

if you... Yeah, about that. I don't know what Mr Deg-Chegwin t

but he's not actually anything to do with Button House.

He's just a sort of mean local weirdo.

Actually, that's not fair. No, that is fair.

So, yeah, we'd rather he wasn't associated with the house

because, to be honest, I'm worried about how he comes across on TV.

OK. It's just that I got the impression

your wife wasn't all that keen to do an interview.

You're kidding! She can't wait. I'm telling you,

she's a natural.

Er...

So the house is, um... Um...

..like, my connection, um...

Um. ..to the family. Um...

Um, um, um...

You see, if we can just... Babe! You're up next.

What, now? We need more time, damn you!

Can't Barclay go first? No, he's been canned.

Apparently an anonymous source told them what he's like

and they were like... Mike. What? He's bad PR and you know it.

How did he take it?

Um... "Um...!" They're all at it. Give me five minutes

and I'll let you know. Wish me luck.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'll do it. We need to be gentle with him

and then we need to get him out of here real quick.

HORN TOOTS

Obi!

Oh, we're finished here, are we?

Hey, see? It's a masterpiece!

Yeah, yeah. Give it to me.

Why are you wearing it? Because it looks sick.

Right. We're ready for Alison, just up by the fence there.

Fence? What fence? Just up by the...

She thought the view was quite good. No, no, no.

I mean, there's much better spots nearer the house, like by the sign.

So you can see the house. By the sign?

It's just we're all set up over there now.

But...but maybe we'll come and grab something here a bit later.

I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part of its rich and varied history.

Yes, that'll do it. Right, once more. Get it in the old memory.

Oh, God. Is he still here?

Hello there.

What? Me? May I just say

what an honour it is to be joining you here in this wonderful house?

Oh, God, no.

I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part

of its rich and varied history.

It's happened!

Alison!

Ah, perfect.

Knock, knock. Hi, how are you?

How are you?

Yes, fine, raring to go.

GRUNTS

Er, right.

It's just...

Do you want to sit down?

No!

Really? OK.

The thing is, talking again to the documentary guys,

it seems now they want to focus more on people

who actually lived...live in the house.

Oh, dear.

So I wore a new shirt for nothing.

Been bally baking in it all day,

and talk about itchy!

Well, that explains it.

Yes, it does.

Oh, that's much better.

Yeah.

Breathe, but don't gasp, and don't gabble. No ums and ahs.

If you need to pause, pause, but don't show you're pausing.

Look, I know that you mean well,

but it's me they want to talk to,

not some drop-out from the Thomas Thorne Finishing School.

So will you please just stop talking and accept that you're a better poet

than you are a teacher? And that is really saying something.

Confident, eloquent, composed.

My work here is done.

Damn your eyes. You're welcome.

It was inherited through my dad's side, but he died

when I was young and my mum passed away more recently.

So with no living relatives, the house has become a kind of

link to my ancestors through the ages.

It's like having family all around me.

Can you give us any more information about...? Could you smile?

But with your voice. Say Button House.

Alison! ..every bit as fascinating as your journey...

I did warn you! SHOUTING, INTERVIEWER CONTINUES

Pull the top down!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

You're doing very well, just block it out.

Try not to hesitate... I warned you!

Alison! Emergency!

INTERVIEWER: Alison? Er...

Er...

ALISON ON TV: ..literally a phone call saying,

"You now own this house."

It was inherited through my dad's side,

but he died when I was young and my mum passed away more recently.

Aw. So with no living relatives,

the house has become a kind of link... Oh, can't see the logo!

Lose the thing! Lose the thing!

It's like having family all around me.

Aw! That's nice.

I think this is where I...

Well, the brick... The brick frontage

is, er...it was a brick front

added to what is, er, what was a Tudor house.

FANNY: What does that say? What is a Butt Ho?

Are you the Butt Ho?

..it was brick, it had a brick facade.

Oh, my... Obi!

CLEARS THROAT

..which is now what we now see now on Button House.

Well, thanks, everyone.

But there's much more to this place than just structural issues.

ALL GROAN AND BOO

For one thing, it's haunted!

And I'm turning it off. No, no, wait.

Oh! Hang on a sec.

I think this is my cameo.

Ooh!

Watch the vase.

Wait for it...

THEY CHEER

CAPTAIN: Bravo!

It's like he's famous.

Can I have your autograph? You got a pen?

But one thing's for certain - when it came to the Catholic cause,

Sir Humphrey Bone was a man prepared

to stick his neck out.

Oh-ho! Oh! Oh-ho!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, very good!

Neck! Seriously?!