Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

I wanted

to tell you that...

Gene?

Mm-hmm?

Oh!

You comin' to church?

I already told you! I wasn't going anymore.

Service is at 5:30, honey, you working?

No, it's Rose's going-away party.

Uh, Rose goes to church with her folks.

I'm not a kid anymore, Mom. I'm almost 18.

God does not care how old you are.

More like God doesn't care at all?

I'll light a candle for you and your friends.

Great.

Maybe I'll get raptured.

God bless it.

Why, Miss Alice, do come in.

Oh my gosh, Rose, you look amazing!

Whom is this Rose that you speak of?

Miss Havisham?

Yes! Yes, the one and only!

Oh, come come come! Come in, come in!

Drink?

Of course, it's tradition.

Don't you dare give that child spirits,

or I'll have you arrested!

Heavens! It's Sherlock Holmes!

How'd you sneak in?

Elementary, Alice.

I'm on the trail of the White Rabbit.

Stick out your tongue, child.

Just as I suspected, you ate him!

Oh!

Cough him up, you lost soul!

God bless it!

Why, it's Mrs. Mina Harker!

Dare I let you pass my threshold?

Do I have to do a British accent?

You know it always ends up sounding Southern.

As you wish.

Awesome. You look rad, by the way.

I know.

May I take your things?

Mrs. Harker, may I introduce

Miss Alice and Mr. Holmes?

Scary!

Ravishing and ravenous!

Oh, thank you.

Where's Gene?

No sign.

The mystery continues.

Has nobody talked to him?

Mm, he's been flaky. Like these 19th century Doritos.

You guys, I'm worried. Gene would never miss this.

I...

wanted

to tell you...

that...

I'm a homo.

A Homo sapien!

Stupid...

Here, here! Shall we let one fickle absentee

dampen our spirits?

Then welcome, friends, to our final fete.

Tonight, we shall embark upon...

God bless it.

Hmm, I wasn't sure to expect you, Mr. Um...

Long John Silver?

Apologies.

But pirate costumes are not my forte.

Mm, you don't say.

I'm Dr. Jekyll.

I pray that's in keeping with the Victorian theme, ma'am?

Mm. That's a terrible pirate costume.

Introducing... Dr. Jekyll.

Doctor?

Hm, now where have you been Hyde-ing all this time?

Very punny, Pepper.

Well, since we are all here now, hm?

Please make yourselves comfortable

while I prepare some hors d'ouevres.

Are you avoiding me, Jekyll?

No, no, just been busy with work.

That's a paltry excuse.

Hey there, wanna see my Grand Canyon?

My, look at those ravines!

Come get it, come get it!

Oh my goodness!

Gimme more, gimme more!

You finish Franny and Zooey yet?

Crap.

I forgot your book.

You look top drawer, by the way.

Great Scott!

Showtime.

Oh!

Well, so much for the hors d'ouevres.

I spy a note.

I'll handle the clues, you goon.

"Should I die before we mingle,

solve the mystery with this jingle.

In the library sits Sissy Jupe's clue,

Do unto others what I've done to you."

Who the devil is Sissy Jupe?

She's in Hard Times.

Like Rose is hard for Dickens.

To the library!

There's a library?

Hard Times, Hard Times...

It's also the Bible's Golden Rule.

Smells like the Word of God to me.

Which is what?

Judgmental?

Don't blaspheme, Gene.

Focus, people! Where is the verse?

The Golden Rule is in Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.

It's a bit redundant, innit?

Mm-hmm.

"On the Victrola Donizetti plays,

a poison she drinks in a love haze."

What in the...

Wait, Donizetti?

Rose, you got the composer wrong!

No I didn't!

Guys, it's a Verdi opera.

To the Victrola!

There's a Victrola?

"Il" what, opera diva?

Look for, uh, Maria Callas, or Sutherland, uh,

maybe Price, too.

Bingo.

May I?

Come now, we all know that detectives read the clues,

not deranged doctors.

Stop!

'Kay. "Under fair timber, Jack the Ripper hacks.

Open the box, then watch your backs."

Uh.

Under fair timber?

Under fair timber?

Trees are outside, Holmes.

Does Mr. Hyde need a sedative?

"Seda-give?"

Here they go.

What?

you ticklish?

Shall we try outside?

Uh, yep, let's start with the woodpile.

"To the lumber yard!"

Ah!

I'll free you, if you say you were wrong.

Never!

Hey, it's a miracle!

She's alive!

Actually, it's the pizza.

Intermission, everybody!

JD?

Holy shit!

Uh, Christ, is it Halloween?

Heh, uh, no, um,

actually, we're, we're having like a, a,

Victorian murder mystery party?

Okay.

Uh, here, let me take these from you.

Oh! What up? JD in the house!

What's up?

Hello, mate.

Geeze, what is on your face?

Is that magic marker?

Uh, no, it's my mom's mascara.

That's so foul!

I'm Sherlock, and he's Jekyll.

It's a panopoly of literary characters, so.

A panopoly?

A, a parade of characters?

You mean a panoply.

I'm all, that, too!

What... Okay, come in, bro, come in!

This is Martinelli's Sparkling Cider.

So, like, British cider?

No! No no no no

It's non-alcoholic.

Mmm, yummy.

Oh.

It's a kiddie party.

Okay.

So, uh... what, you're Jane Eyre's madwoman?

Hint. I was spurned at the altar.

Oh, Jesus, Miss Havisham?

Yes!

Well played, sir!

God, Great Expectations is such a shitty book.

I mean, Dickens is a hack.

Yeah, it's, it's like a bad soap opera, right?

Hey, you, uh, mind if I spike this cider?

Oh, ha! Actually, that is my parents' liquor,

so I would prefer you didn't.

Don't panic. Just a smidge.

What gives? Are we still playing?

Shh.

Shh.

Boo!

Hey, JD!

Jesus, Ally. You look bangin'.

I'm Dracula's bountiful wine press.

Ooh, rawr.

Once bitten but not shy.

Guess who I am?

A... pedophile victim?

Oh my God! Burn on Claire.

I'm Alice, you ass.

You know Lewis Carroll made bacon with the real Alice?

Wait, didn't you say J.M. Barrie also?

Yeah, gotta look out for those old blokes

writing about minors.

♪ Though you may encounter wolves! ♪

Uh, what?

It's a line from Into the Woods.

Oh Christ, is that some musical?

By the god of musicals himself, Stephen Sondheim!

Yeah, I, I can't stand musicals.

I mean, they're so, like, phony and implausible.

I mean, yeah, Phantom of the Opera is totally phony.

Gives other musicals a bad rap.

So, uh, how come I wasn't invited to this little soiree?

I like literature.

Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

I, it was actually just supposed to be like,

a little going-away thing because I leave

for NYU tomorrow, and I, I didn't really have...

Okay, Rose, Rose! Calm down.

All right? I, I was joking.

I mean, I, I can't stand costume parties.

Yeah, or awesome games, apparently.

Wow, not gonna let that go, huh?

Last week, we saw this movie called Spanking the Monkey

and, uh, JD refused to play Scattergories after it.

Wait, you and JD?

Yeah.

And Gene.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

It was totally last minute.

So, you're, uh, goin' to New York tomorrow?

Indeed.

Broadway or bust!

Right.

I, I, I'm studying acting too,

but, um, for film.

UCLA's Theater School.

That mean you'll be in a movie?

Well, I mean, I'll be in LA, so I can

get an agent and make connections.

Sounds easy.

Oh, hey, I, uh,

I told Sammy that you're studying opera at Oberlin.

He said the dorms have coed showers there.

Coed?

I'd never bathe.

Rose, it's a shower, not an orgy.

Okay, well, you say that now.

Your college have coed showers?

No!

No.

It's a Christian college?

Pepperdine?

I'm majoring in theater, but mainly behind the scenes.

Maybe costumes...

She made my dress.

Mm-hm.

Oh.

I don't really know what I'm doing.

I'll probably end up making costumes

for, like, my kids' plays or something.

No, you're gonna win an Oscar.

Right, I forgot.

Yeah. And Oscar's gonna win an Oscar,

and Rose is gonna win a Tony,

and Ally's gonna win a Grammy,

and Gene'll win a...

a toaster.

Gee, thanks.

No, okay, I mean, but, is there a prize

for drawing cartoons?

Ah, Gene's got a bright future right here

at our fine community college.

Oh, is that, uh, is that where you go now?

Oh, no. I, uh, I never finished high school.

I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

Why are you sorry?

I couldn't wait to get out of that fraud factory.

You know, 'cause I'd rather deliver pizzas

to drama nerds in frou-frou costumes

than conform to society's expectations.

Well, hey, you're still the smartest person I know,

so high school can suck it.

Plus, I mean, who needs to take the SAT

with your vocabulary?

Uh, we started this game where we try to find

one perfect word to describe something.

Hm, yeah, to, uh,

you know, keep, like, non-pedestrian words alive.

Yep.

You know, so we don't all start sounding Orwellian.

I'm all, uh... Newspeak!

Here, um, describe me in one word.

All right.

Um.

You're...

clandestine.

That's weird.

Why?

Don't you always feel that Gene's

hiding something from you?

Me? What?

No, I'm as honest as Abe!

Um, uh... What about Ally?

Ally... is beguiling.

Ooh, monsieur!

Yeah, nice try, uh,

keep practicing.

Bite me!

Okay. Okay okay! Do me, do me!

Uh...

Hold on, let me, um, refill.

Hmm, the salutatorian is...

grandiloquent.

Okay, cool, right on!

I love that word.

Um, grand... Okay, do Claire!

Oh, well, that one's easy.

Puritanical.

I'm supposed to be a child!

Babe, it's not just the outfit.

And, last but not least, Rose is...

callow.

Mm... Mmm.

Well, gotta get back to the grind.

But, uh,

enjoy your little... play time.

So I'm going to a party later at my cousin's.

You should come.

You mean Sammy's?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, he thinks you're cool.

Uh, this is a... sleepover.

Sleepover?

What are you, five?

No. Okay, I get off of work at 11,

I'll swing by, you'll escape to Sammyville.

Look, there's gonna be kegs, cool cats, killer dames.

You're gonna dig it, Daddy-o.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, and, uh,

you know, tell Ally, too.

Yeah.

Don't forget your tip.

Oh yeah, thanks.

Probably eat soon. Pizza's getting cold.

Eh.

We're gonna have to work on that, Genie.

I hate being called that.

I'll see you out here at 11.

He's such a jerk.

You know, I can't stand

how he takes Jesus' name in vain all the time.

It's like a Woody Allen film I can't turn off!

Well, you don't believe in God,

then what is the incentive?

You think he's an atheist?

You lookin' up grandiloquent?

No.

Does it mean speaking grandly?

It means someone who tries to impress others

by using big words.

Yeah, I knew that, thanks.

I was actually looking up when, um, callow was coined.

So.

Ugh!

Who does that loser think he is?

I wasn't born yesterday!

I'm the one going to New York, and he is stuck here

in this podunk town where nothing ever happens.

I'm right here, Rose.

No, no, I wasn't,

I wasn't talking about you.

I meant JD.

Okay, well, I'm also stuck here, so...

No! No no no! You,

you have your diploma, Gene.

And you have talent and, and drive and,

and places to go.

Oh, really? What places?

Clandestine ones?

Sneaking off, watching movies while pretending

to be busy at work?

You know, I'm still going to college.

You know, I'm not a total slacker.

Guys, there are plenty of people

who don't need school to be smart.

Okay, but you still need a diploma

if you don't wanna be

delivering pizzas for the rest of your life.

Okay, you wanna be an actress.

There are tons of actors without degrees.

Yep, but, di, mm-mm, not stage actors.

We have to be well educated.

It's frauds like Julia Roberts who need nothing...

She has no formal training,

she is just a model with giant teeth!

So what?

So you're saying I don't need a college diploma because I'm a film actor?

I think the point is,

is that Gene's nothing like JD, right?

Were you smoking?

No, what?

Uh, I mean just a puff.

Gene, smoking is so bad for you.

Yeah, especially your voice.

Okay, guys, I'm not an opera singer.

It's fine if you don't inhale.

I had to smoke for research

when I played Tom in Glass Menage.

Yeah, that was different.

That was for a role.

See, this is my issue with JD.

It's not that he's a slacker.

It's the smoking, and the drinking,

and... just bad behavior.

I hate to say it, but you sound puritanical.

I'm not puritanical.

Mm, you're pretty square, Claire.

Just because Claire doesn't wanna cavort

with a cad like JD does not mean that she's a square.

You're just jealous.

Oh, of what?

Of JD calling me beguiling.

Honey, beguiling is not a compliment.

Isn't it?

You're so wrong. Beats callow any day.

It sure doesn't!

You guys, who cares what JD thinks?

He's not even like us.

I mean, Rose just said he's an atheist!

So?

What if I was an atheist?

But you're not.

Okay, but what if I was?

I mean... are you for real?

No, he's not for real.

He's just trying to be like JD to be cool.

No, I'm being serious.

Yeah, what makes us friends?

It can't be because everyone believes in God.

Why not?

I mean, I don't have Bible study with you guys,

but our shared faith connects us.

Whoa whoa whoa, our shared faith?

Claire, you used to give me those end times cartoons

listing pro-choice people as going to hell on Judgment Day.

I'm not talking about abortion!

She just means that we're all Christian.

Exactly.

Oh, yes! Yeah yeah yeah.

We're all Christian until someone is invited to Mass

and then told she can't take communion

'cause she's not Catholic!

You're Lutheran!

We don't even believe that communion is the same thing.

It's, like, it's,

the whole point of Luther!

We believe in transubstantiation.

You believe in consubstantiation.

Oh my God! You guys! Stop!

What is your point? What are you trying to tell us?

That I'm...

I wanted to tell you that...

That I don't know if I believe in God anymore.

And I guess it, it hurts to hear you judge JD,

and it makes me question us as a group.

So,

so what do you believe in?

I guess I'm agnostic?

I mean, there might be some sort of unknown spirit

or, or some stuff that science can't explain, but

God seems pretty man-made to me.

Okay.

Well... Um.

You know, Job was tested.

Yeah. And and and Jonah and the whale,

and even Jesus. I mean,

Gene, I think you're just being tested.

Faith is a personal thing.

And as for what glues us together,

beats me.

Maybe fart jokes?

Okay.

Okay.

♪ Someday mother will die ♪

♪ And I'll get the money ♪

May I have this dance?

Is this Salt and Pepa?

No, but I will play Sondheim next, you old broad.

I can't dance to this garbage!

But you look fabulous, Dahling!

All right, Showbiz Pizza Place band right now, let's go!

Yes yes yes yes yes!

Ooh! Dibs on the dog drummer!

- You're gonna be the dumb bird head, let's go. - Ugh.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

♪ And I am a snake head eating the head ♪

♪ On the opposite side ♪

♪ I palindrome I ♪

Gene?

I need a keyboard gorilla.

♪ See that bulletproof dress hanging from the clothesline ♪

Well,

Looks like token girl cheerleader mouse is all yours.

♪ Now I'll help it decide ♪

♪ I palindrome I ♪

Okay... Yeah!

♪ I palindrome I ♪

♪ And I am a snake head eating the head ♪

♪ On the opposite side ♪

♪ I palindrome I ♪

♪ Manonam ♪

Eureka! I found the timber!

Come, come! Get out of the bushes,

it's not bushes, it's timber!

Come help search for the box.

Is this the last clue?

'Cause this corset's killing my boobs.

What if Rose buried it?

Oh God, I wouldn't put it past her.

Okay, pause.

This is the final clue.

We've gotta get this!

The last clue's missing.

What?

God bless it! Ugh!

What are you doing?

Well, I figured it was in here!

The sand looked soft.

That's where Grizabella is buried!

Uh, no!

Yuck, yuck,

cover it up! Cover it up!

Guys, it's a cat, not her Grandma!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Someone took it.

A mystery inside a mystery!

What? But it wasn't me, I swear.

Gene?

Why me?

- Maybe you don't wanna be here? - What if it was JD?

No way, what's his motive?

Uh, he clearly thought our game was stupid,

now he's messing with us.

Ally, you've been acting weirder than usual today.

You look very suspicious right now.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hold on, okay, what, what if

it's merely a red herring, huh?

And Rose really has it?

Oh! A final twist!

You clever girl.

You know what, you know what?

- What? - You know what?

What?

If you guys don't like my game,

if you don't wanna play my game, that's fine.

Ha ha! That's fine. We won't play my game.

Game over. Ha!

Game over!

No, no.

No no no no no no no!

No, at least just give me a hint!

Nice one, guys.

Now she'll be like this the whole night.

Game over!

Hey, uh,

I'm sorry about seeing that movie without you.

With JD, things just happen.

Sperm of the moment?

Super spermy.

Well, you know I like movies, too.

And JD, minus the flakiness.

And me?

I like you loyal, like a Labrador.

So, you have a hard-on for JD, huh?

What?

Ew, don't be gross.

I mean, okay, yeah, he can be cool.

Like when he told me to go for Puppet Girl.

Oh yeah.

Uh, how's that going?

Uh. You know.

Her breasts are like

warm sandbags.

I'm all,

- Schwing! - Schwing!

Who's Puppet Girl?

Oh, uh, 'member that really rad girl we met

at the last drama competition?

She was the one who was in the play, with the puppet?

Anyway, um, she and Oscar still talk.

- And write! - And write.

Hm, are you guys, like, goin' out?

- No. - I mean, technically, yeah.

But it's a little tricky because she lives up in Brea, so.

Uh, wait,

you didn't tell me that you guys were dating.

Well, I mean, it's long distance,

but we are making plans to see each other again.

She's gonna visit me when I'm in LA.

Yeah.

♪ Remember ♪

♪ Remember ♪

I rented some stuff for us to watch after the game,

which is, uh,

now over. I guess.

Okay.

Ooh, Young Frankenstein.

"Frankensteen."

Heathers, yes.

Blazing Saddles. Classic.

Princess Bride.

"Mawage..."

"Mawage is wot bwings us togetha today!"

What's this blank one?

Oh, uh, that one is our production of Glass Menagerie.

Glass Menage.

Why, why would I wanna watch this?

I don't know. 'Cause we were all in it?

I'm not in it.

Well, I mean, sure, but you ran sound.

I don't know, I just thought it would be nostalgic.

We don't have to watch it.

Ooh, watch what?

The Glass Monotony?

♪ It's hot and it's monogamous! ♪

Claire, do you wanna watch this?

I hate watching myself.

See? Claire hates it too.

I vote Clue! Let me change first.

No no no, that's...

Right. Okay, well,

shall we change in there?

Probably wanna wash off your, uh, mascara.

Just a... little bit.

Come on!

Worst dance partner ever.

Okay, well let me take my backpack off next time.

Well, there's not gonna be a next time.

Okay.

Hm.

So did you, uh, work at the Yogurt Spot today?

Uh, yeah. First, first shift.

First shift, huh?

Mm-hmm.

And you were still late to the party?

Okay.

Try this, cretin.

Me no bath good.

Okay.

Thought we were watching Clue?

We are making our own movie.

"I'm ready for my closeup, Miss Ally."

Hey, what, you're not gonna sleep in here?

Just don't wanna get in the way.

Hey, Rose, smile for the camera.

Ooh, snazzy finger, you do that very well.

Thank you.

C-A-DOUBLE L-O-W.

Callow, my ass.

I'm so bad at giving the finger, I'm...

Ow, it doesn't feel right, like, whew.

Oh, that's sad, uh-huh. I bet Gene can do it!

Oh yeah!

- Why, because he doesn't believe in God? - Yes.

I'm all... the devil himself taught me the biker finger.

Show me, bad boy!

I will show you.

Heh!

JD's way better at it.

Come on, that was the best one yet.

All right, your turn, Claire.

No. No, no, no. Pass.

Are you... chicken?

Turkey?

No, not on camera!

Why not? You're not a politician.

Here, let the devil help you!

Stop! Stop... Stop.

Please please please? Oh!

Whoa, look, now Claire's going to hell!

Okay, this feels like Reality Bites.

Or like The Real World?

Uh, where it's, like, an hour

dissecting why one guy ate the last pickle.

Oh my God, wait, let's do, like, a reenactment of

Claire and Gene but totally blow it out of proportion.

Yes! Yes!

Okay, okay, first scene is Rose and Oscar

commenting on the couch.

Chop chop!

Okay, give me that magic. Here we go.

And... action.

I'm telling you, Jebediah, he came at her like a monster.

You're overblowing things, like always.

Brad may be an atheist and a liar, but he's not a monster.

Listen to me!

He grabbed her out of nowhere

and he forced her to give the finger!

I mean, he could have hurt her...

He was helping her, Chrissy,

what, you want her to learn about

flipping the bird from the streets?

Ugh!

Do you want the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

Thank you.

Oscar, that was great.

Rose, you were overacting.

All right, let's get Gene and Claire's

footage in the dining room. Come!

No.

Okay.

Can't you play my character?

Claire, of course not.

I'm the director. I'm in charge.

She's like the female Robert Altman.

Yes, quick, everybody talk at the same time!

Hey, wait, do you remember when we saw

Huey Lewis peeing in Short Cuts?

Why do you bring that up all the time?

Okay, quiet! Quiet on set, please!

All right, Claire, you're going to walk through the doorway

and be surprised to see Gene, the perpetrator!

And Gene, you are going to try and apologize to Claire

and show her that you are more

than a violent, lying atheist.

Guys, I'm not an atheist.

Heh! It's called acting, all right.

Okay, places!

- Hustle! - Come on, come on.

- All right, ready? - Quiet on set.

And.

Action!

Yolanda?

Yes... Brad?

I never meant to hurt you.

Then why'd you do it?

Why do we do anything, Yola?

Point is, I'm not a monster.

I only acted that way because

I'm in love with you!

Will you marry me?

Buttercup?

Oh! Jiminy Christmas! Oh!

Claire!

I'm sorry!

I thought that you'd do, like, stage combat!

You're not supposed to actually hit them in stage combat!

Well we slap each other all the time!

Here, let me get an ice pack.

That looked great on camera.

Come, yeah, come see!

Nice, Claire, you got an arm!

Peas or corn?

Listen, I won't be offended if you need to take off.

I know you have more exciting places to be.

No I don't.

Okay, fine.

Just... don't stay out of pity.

You're headed for the top, Claire.

Did you bring my tapes?

I wanna pack them before I forget.

Claire, okay, it's time for your stage combat lesson,

'cause this...

Oh wait! Let's do bad stage combat.

Oh yes! Okay.

All right, you hit me first.

Okay, great.

You... rascal!

Ayesh! My funny bone! How could you?

Okay, do me.

Oh!

My knee!

Uh, sorry I had these so long.

That's okay. I, um,

I have some of yours that I copied, too.

Hey, is Gene okay?

Claire.

Are you still into him?

Did you tell anyone?

Of course not.

I'm just saying... just go easy on him.

It's our last night together.

Aw.

Is little Genie okay?

Oh, look at the poor baby Genie.

Oh, he's so sad!

Sad little Genie.

Did the lady touch you somewhere?

Son, show me where she touched you.

Don't lie to us.

Was it here?

How about down here, Son?

You done pretending to be hurt?

Ooh!

We gotta get him to the infirmary!

Oh my Lordy!

What did she do when she found out?

Apparently, she wanted an abortion.

We have an obese patient!

We gotta treat him, look out!

Quick, Nurse Claire, we need three CCs

of hyper-feldspar stat!

Get out of the way!

Those are my slippers!

All right, clear!

It's not workin'!

You guys.

We need to inject it anally.

Quick, take his pants off!

Stop, stop!

Stop it, I'm cured. I'm cured!

Would you guys mind waiting outside

while we finish up in here?

What, you don't want us in your room?

Rose, you gotta start buying CDs.

I don't wanna repurchase everything

I already have on tape.

Ally, do not go in there!

You guys, uh, check it out.

I'm pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa's under here.

Gene, quit it!

Guys, can we play another game, please?

Yeah, anything but Slappy, 'cause Claire hits too hard.

So, who wanted an abortion?

What?

Claire said it just now.

This girl JD dated, Jen Richards.

But she's gonna keep the baby.

Does JD know?

Yes, he knows. It's not his.

Okay, they broke up a while ago.

More than nine months?

It's not his, Claire.

I can't imagine being pregnant.

Plenty of girls at our school were.

Like who? No one I knew.

You do realize that we had a nursery on campus?

They had a whole page in the yearbook under Student Activities.

Good God.

"Hey, kids!

Have a baby! It's a great activity!"

Rose, cut it out.

Okay, yes, JD has sex.

Yes, his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

No, it's not his.

Have you had sex?

No.

But... I want to.

Oh my God, guys.

I'm all... what?

What?

Okay, there's no way I'm the only one here

interested in having sex.

Not before marriage.

You realize this is why JD says we're repressed, right?

I mean, he calls us the Bubble Babies.

Lucky for me, I don't take character notes

from a guy who gets girls pregnant.

He didn't get her pregnant!

He could have.

Okay, answer me this.

Uh, in four years of high school, why have none of us

ever dated anyone?

Oh, well, I'm seeing Puppet Girl.

That doesn't count.

I'm talking about, like, dating in the same physical space.

I'm sorry, you're dating a puppet?

No, what? Um, she's a real girl.

Apparently, she was at the drama conference last fall.

She was the perky one in that

suicide play with the puppets.

Why am I the last one to know anything?

Okay, calm down, Rose.

And, first off, just because it's long distance

doesn't mean we're not really dating.

Secondly, I know JD thinks that we're ninny nuns,

or whatever, but that's hardly true!

So prove it, Sister Mary Oscar.

Fine, I will, Sister Mary Gene.

Rose.

Rose used to hide The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer

in this very mattress from her parents

because of the super steamy sex scenes, huh?

Sorry.

Being forbidden to read about sex

is the definition of repression.

To be clear... I did not read it for the sex.

I just, I really liked Twin Peaks.

Okay, well, maybe Rose is a nun.

- Hey! - But what about the time that you, me and Ally,

we went to Nora Dowd's house

and we read Madonna's Sex book?

Oh, I will never look at a water bottle

the same way again.

Or the way Claire, uh, drools every time

the Wolf sings in Into the Woods.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, I'm grasping!

The point is... we're not repressed

because we won't have sex before marriage.

Here, here.

I fully disagree.

How about flashlight homosexual?

What about it?

Well, that was a game we used to play.

That was about sex.

Ooh, can we play for old time's sake?

Come on, come on, come on.

Good luck. Claire's a prude.

I am not a prude!

I said... prune.

Prove it, prune. You and me.

Yes, hot lesbian action, whoo!

Do we have to play it in here?

Where is the flashlight?

It's in my parents' room. I'll go get it.

Yeah!

Ew!

Found it!

Hey, hold your horses! Oscar...

You said you didn't wanna do it in your room.

Stop!

- I swear, we'll put everything back. - Guys.

All right, Claire. Time to channel your inner dyke.

Yeah, okay, just imagine sleeping with clams.

What does that even mean?

You'll figure it out.

What do I do?

You can come closer.

- Should I get all the way under it? - No... what?

I can't see!

Here I go!

Ugh!

Uh...

Okay, see? I'm not good at this.

Yeah, not the best.

Um, okay, well, how about Ally and Rose?

Yeah, Rose knows how it's done!

Fine, but only one more round, okay?

Come here, little lesbo.

Come here ...let's do this...

Yes, yes yes yes.

And... surprise!

Oh! Yes!

Why are they so good at it?

It's because they read vampire lit.

Okay, okay, our turn, our turn!

Guys, okay, last round, though.

Okay?

Game time.

I'm kinda scared to turn it on.

Just do it!

One, two, three?

Yes! Yes!

What am I looking at?

Gene!

Oh my God.

Sorry, I don't swallow.

Oh my God.

Gene!

- What? - What, what, wha'd he do?

Gene spit on the carpet.

Ew, what? Nasty.

It was a joke!

God, I'll clean it up.

Yeah, you bet your ass you will.

Aw.

Too far, Gene.

Too far.

Who are you to judge?

I'm just saying you crossed a line.

You always do.

Well, maybe you just don't know how to take a sex joke.

Oh what? Because I live in a bubble?

Or whatever?

Well guess what?

I'm the one moving to LA,

and you're the bitter loser who's stuck here.

You know, I didn't come here to feel like crap, okay?

Coulda stayed at home for that.

Gene.

Now he's definitely going.

Going where?

I heard JD invite him to a party, and he said he'd go.

What party?

JD's cousin Sammy?

He said he'd come back for Gene after 11.

I've met Sammy.

I don't know. You weren't invited.

I'm sorry I blew up, guys.

Yeah, you should go apologize.

Boys are so emotional.

What do you seek?

I seek the answer to the great question

of life and the universe.

It's 42.

I'm sorry I called you a loser.

You know you're the smartest person I know.

I'm gonna miss you, Gene.

JD and I are gonna start a band.

Okay.

It's gonna be sorta ...avant garde.

So it doesn't really matter how good we are.

It's more about the... concepts.

But he's introduced me to some composers.

Like, uh, John Cage.

Brian Eno.

That used to be my role.

Huh?

When we met.

I introduced you to Tchaikovsky, Strauss, Bizet.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, JD, he just, he says...

Why does everything have to be about JD all of a sudden?

I mean, I'm the one leaving.

You're my best friend, you know.

Since freshman year, when you got trash-canned for wearing

those awful purple leopard MC Hammer pants to school.

I just feel like you're pushing me away.

I'm not.

I've been trying to hang out with you for two weeks.

I'm sorry.

It's just, uh,

there's a lot going on

at work.

There's this, uh, coworker,

he's been asking me for help.

With what?

He's um,

he's gay.

And he's afraid that if he comes out, everyone will treat

him differently, and he doesn't want that.

Do you still think it's a sin?

What?

Homosexuality.

When did I say that?

Freshman year.

You said that AIDS was God punishing gay people.

No, I don't believe that anymore.

So what do you believe now?

Well I guess, um,

love the sinner ...hate the sin.

I think the thing that made me lose my faith is that

what's right and what's wrong, it's never set in stone.

Like God, you know, He's loving and then He's vengeful.

Or homosexuals are cursed, and then they're tolerable.

I mean, how am I supposed to have faith in something

when the rules keep changing?

But faith doesn't have rules.

You just believe.

Like I had faith that I would get into UCLA's drama school,

and now I'm on the road to Hollywood.

I just, you know, I had to believe that that was God's plan.

I guess I, I just don't get it.

Well, I'll keep praying for you.

I hate that.

Why?

It feels like you're judging me.

No, I'm not.

It's more like... you're always in my thoughts.

Claire, I'm telling you.

I read it in Tiger Beat. Boys love honesty.

What are you two whispering about?

Just talking about that party.

Uh, I'm so annoyed JD didn't invite me.

Maybe you need to practice being more beguiling?

Pizza core?

Nevermore!

- Who's your friend? - Rose!

No! Ow!

I'm just a Bubble Baby.

You popped her bubble.

Oh no, Bubble Boy is dead.

Seriously, guys. It's not like we're that sheltered.

Oh, come on!

Your parents wouldn't even let you watch it MTV.

True, but I would still sneak over to my Nana's house

and watch Madonna videos anyway.

Okay, well none of you were allowed to watch

R-rated movies, and you made me lie to your mom

when we went to see The Crying Game.

And The Piano.

Do you remember when Holly Hunter

put her hand in between Sam Neill's butt cheeks,

like er ee, er ee?

Er ee, er ee.

Er ee... er ee.

See? We can talk about sex.

That is not how sex works.

And, there is nothing wrong with us not wanting to date.

Yeah, it's not like I didn't try.

Ally and I totally had boyfriends.

That was in like first grade.

So, why don't you have one now, Ally?

I don't know.

Guys think I'm...

Peculiar?

No.

They're just immature.

Okay.

I mean, I've had crushes... like Gene.

But nothing happened?

No.

But that was different, you know. Gene's a friend.

Besides, I don't think he's into dating.

Uh, how come?

I don't know. Just a feeling.

How come you don't date, Missy?

Well, I'm married to the theater, of course!

My whole life.

I'm talking about the real world.

What does the real world even mean,

when all the world is a stage?

Here we go.

And the men and women

merely players?

Does everything have to be a show,

or can you be real for once?

Nothing feels more real to me than being onstage.

But that's just avoiding reality by escaping into fantasy.

Maybe you just don't get it because you're not an actress.

Now, I'm gonna go skim the pool should anyone want a dip.

She always does that.

As if opera requires no acting whatsoever.

You should tell her how you feel.

So... you know about Oscar's girlfriend before tonight?

Yeah.

I don't take that too seriously, though.

How come?

Um, when Oscar talks about girls,

there's something ...off about it.

He described her boobs as hot sandbags?

Yeah, well, that's a step up from fat, dead gophers.

Okay, so maybe he's not really attracted to her.

Keep working it out, Puritan.

I'm not a Puritan!

Prove it, prune!

It ruins the stars.

You coming in?

I'm fine right here, thank you.

You on your period?

Excuse me?

God, are you still pretending

not to bleed from your hoo-ha?

Like the time you bled in the backseat of my mom's car

and then blamed it on Chewbarka?

Okay... Are you,

are you mad about what I said inside still?

Because, Ally, it's true.

Okay, Rose, you do know that opera

is both singing and acting?

I play a character.

All I'm saying is that our talents are very different.

No, you act like you are the only one who has any talent.

That is totally not true.

I think you're an amazing singer.

Okay, then why haven't you been

to my recitals in over a year?

Why don't we practice monologues anymore?

It's like you don't want me to act.

Please! Prove it.

Okay. Glass Menagerie.

You knew I was dying to play Laura, and yet you lobbied

for Mr. Herman to cast Claire instead.

No, I didn't!

Then why wasn't I cast?

Maybe you just weren't right for the role.

Maybe you were too... odd.

Laura is odd!

She's a gimpy shut-in who's obsessed with glass animals.

Listen, if you don't get a role,

you have to get over it.

You will never make it if you keep crying over spilt milk.

Rose, it's, it's not the Met.

It's not Broadway.

It's us.

Yeah, and I'm just trying to toughen you up.

What? Would you rather I

blow smoke up your ass like your folks?

So now my parents are too supportive?

What is wrong with you?

Towanda!

Whoa!

What was that?

Towanda! It's the cry from Fried Green Tomatoes

that screams I don't care what anyone else thinks.

You know, in the book, those women were clearly lesbians.

I only saw the movie.

Question, did you enjoy playing Laura

in The Glass Menagerie?

Please, I couldn't even remember

which leg was supposed to be crippled.

Sometimes it changed during the scene.

Probably just proves I'm not meant to be an actress.

Oh, God, now what did I step into?

How's my handsome harem?

Yay! They're back.

Time for Truth or Dare.

Truth or Dare?

We've never played that.

I did once, in eighth grade.

I had to kiss Stephanie Rialto.

Had to?

What were her boobs like?

Um, what? Are we playing already or...

Yes, truth or dare, describe Stephanie Rialto's boobs.

I didn't pick truth.

You did with your eyes. Just answer the question.

Don't look at me.

Okay, fine. They

were

like

moist meat.

Ew!

What?

There is no word more disgusting than moist.

Guys, I'm just being honest, so,

lay off me!

Truth or dare, Claire?

Mm... dare.

Whoo, daredevil, okay.

Hold your breath underwater for a full minute.

Boring!

What? A minute's a long time.

I want a real dare.

Um... Fine.

I'm all, swim across the pool topless.

I'm just kidding.

Okay.

Truth or dare?

Uh... pass.

Now who's the prude?

I'm not getting naked.

Then the truth.

Name your current crush.

Can you put your suit back on?

Why, is this bothering you?

I think it's bothering everyone.

Tell me who it is first.

And you can't say Winona Ryder.

You know what, why don't we just play

Name That Show Tune instead?

Me me me me me me me...

You're sharp. We're not playing that.

Just name someone already.

I don't wanna play this game, okay?

It's a feel-bad game,

and I'm not into feeling bad tonight, got it?

I'm just trying to have fun.

Okay, well that's never involved you

taking your clothes off before.

Uh, let's listen to each other's farts underwater.

Okay, you first.

Da-dum.

No no no, no no no no, Gene.

That does not mean that Data has a soul.

Uh... The entire point of the episode is to show

that he's a sentient being.

Right, but I think you're conflating sentience

with having a soul, which is wrong.

What are they talking about?

- Star Trek. - Ugh.

Brought these in for you.

Pizza core?

Don't mind if I do.

Pizza core?

Nevermore.

Who's the whore?

Claire.

Ow!

You guys are such jerks!

Nice one.

What? She's the nudist.

Hester Prynne pays the price.

Oh, you are terrible.

Not as terrible as Star Trek.

Hey.

Well, I actually prefer Deep Space Nine, so.

Ooh, with Nana Visitor, yeah?

More like Deep Throat Nine.

I would like to Trek her Stars.

Okay, with your tractor beam?

That how you get all the ladies, Oscar?

No, Oscar just opens his mouth and tracks 'em in.

Screw you, what?

- What? - What?

Wha'd I say?

I don't track men in.

I, I said them, not men. You misheard me.

Rose?

What's wrong?

Who did this?

There's a note.

"On your crimson wave?

Don't hide in a cave. Use these and be saved."

Oh, it's a menstrual mystery.

Wow, Rose, I know you needed a tampon,

but this is a little much.

Is Rose on the rag?

If this is your revenge, then bravo,

but I never, ever humiliated you like this.

Rose, it's a joke.

Let me finish.

I'm sorry that you feel snubbed or whatever,

but this little stunt is completely immature

and hostile, am I right?

Leave me out of this.

Et tu, Claire?

I'm not taking sides.

Call me Switzerland.

Okay, well Switzerland agreed that this would be funny.

- Oh! - Ally!

I only wrote the note.

I swear it was all her idea.

Who else was in on this? Hmm, hmm, hmm?

- Oscar? - What? Don't look at me. I've never even seen a maxi pad.

That's a tampon, you idiot.

I...

Wasn't sabotaging my game enough?

That wasn't me!

- Well then who stole the last clue? - It was Gene.

He's the one who's been a cranky jerk all night.

And the one who's ditching us.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're leaving us for JD's party.

That's not true!

Then why is your bag by the door?

I'm sure you guys could come. He said Ally could come.

Rose said JD only invited you.

No... you, too.

Wow. You lied to me?

I don't remember every damn detail!

Now who's the traitor?

Gene's the one who's been lying to us this whole time.

Rose, I swear.

Swear to who? God?

I swear I wanted to be here.

Then why have you been hiding from us for weeks?

Oh, get this, he told me it was

'cause his coworker is gay.

Screw you.

You can never keep a secret.

How was that a secret, Gene?

None of us know your coworker!

What coworker? You work shifts alone.

Yet, yet apparently the reason why we haven't heard

from him in weeks is because some guy at the Yogurt Spot

is gay, and Gene is, what, I don't know,

listening to his problems?

So much for loyalty.

Hey, get this.

Oscar's mom told me that he didn't even get

into the drama department at UCLA

because he bombed his audition.

Yeah, and he's going around bragging about all his

prayers coming true, well it's just another act.

Well, good job, Oscar!

Great performance! Bravo. Take a bow!

Bravo.

Wait, Oscar, you're not goin' to UCLA?

No, I am, just...

undeclared.

Guys, I'm,

I'm, I'm sorry I didn't

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I just told so many people that this was

what I was going to do.

But you still got into UCLA.

You're still gonna be in Hollywood.

It doesn't matter, Rose!

I can't even pass the audition to study acting.

What are my chances?

I bombed that audition!

And you got into NYU with a scholarship,

and I'm just some giant fake.

It's not true. You are not a fake.

No, you are so talented and driven.

You know what, JD was right. I'm just some phony.

No!

Pardon my French, but F that guy!

Do you know what he is?

He is an interloper.

And a deadbeat disruptor.

And do you know what else?

Screw UCLA.

You don't need 'em.

They have no idea what they're missing with you.

Hey maybe, maybe it doesn't even matter

'cause you'll get cast in some Spielberg film anyway.

I mean it's possible.

Right?

I'm really sorry, guys.

You don't have to be sorry.

Oh, I can't.

Oscar.

Get the door, Gene.

Spielberg?

Really?

Come on.

Genie! Didn't hear me honking?

Okay, zombie. Ally comin' too?

Um, I don't know... uh.

Come in for a sec.

Whoa.

What happened here?

Did you guys, uh, run outta apple juice?

Rose never runs out of anything.

Okay... um.

Just here to grab Gene, so.

Oh yeah? Uh,

where you going?

To... another party, actually.

Are we all invited?

Well, my, uh, I don't have enough

room in my car to...

We have cars.

Sure, yeah.

I mean, if you wanna go.

No thanks. I just wanted an invitation.

Oh, okay. Uh... Rose?

Oh, no. I have my flight in the morning.

That's right.

Yeah, the, uh, the Big Apple.

You sure you're ready?

That seedy city might eat you alive.

You know what?

It might.

And maybe I am callow and naive.

But I am so much more than your pithy judgments.

We all are, actually.

Rose, I'm joking...

The truth is, we have something that you don't.

And that's real friends.

Friends that are more like family.

So, you can call us Bubble Babies, or prudes,

but I see through you, too.

And all I see is a self-important cynic.

Nice monologue.

Uh... I'm just gonna.

I wanna go to Sammy's.

Can, can I wear this?

Uh, yeah, come as you are.

Nice job protecting your friends.

Just wish that included me.

Hey, JD?

I'm gonna stay here.

I,

I need to say goodbye.

Say hi to Sammy for me, okay?

Your loss, Genie.

Looks like it's just you and me, doll.

Don't worry, I'll show you a good time.

Ha! So presumptuous.

Hey, JD?

Gene. Not Genie.

He's gone. You okay?

I just feel so overdramatic.

If you were overdramatic, then what am I?

Patti LuPone?

More like Norma Desmond.

How's the hermit?

"My name is Harold, and

I live here all alone."

You stayed.

My Labrador.

I'm sorry, Pepper.

Yeah, me too.

Where's Ally?

Uh, she went with JD.

Really?

Well that's a first.

Yeah, it was all my fault, too.

I kept lecturing her about the real world.

Meanwhile, my parents are making me double major

in econ.

'Cause they're convinced that the acting thing

isn't... gonna work out for me.

So.

Part of me wishes we could stay like this forever.

I don't.

God bless it!

Hello?

Hi, Honey, it's me.

Hi, Mommy. You having fun?

Mm-hmm, we'll be home in an hour.

I'm glad.

- So was your party a hit? - Yeah.

Yeah, it's been

fine.

Oh, you know, I meant to tell you.

Guys!

Guess what I found?

Uh! Pee-wee Herman's dignity?

No, it's the last clue!

You guys, my mom found it under the tree in the back.

She thought it was there by mistake.

I'm glad my name's finally cleared.

Come on!

Don't you want to, uh... solve the mystery, huh, huh?

Rose, I already did.

Yeah, okay.

Who killed me?

We all did.

How did you know that?

Because you've loved the ...they all did it ending,

Agatha Christie, thank you, since like fifth grade.

That's true.

So, yeah.

Goddammit, son of a bitch, shit kickers from hell!

That felt really good.

Goddammit, shit kickers from hell!

Hey, stop making a mess, Claire!

Oscar, don't hit me!

Gene!

Oh, Oscar, don't hit yourself!

No!

Hands up where I can see 'em!

Ah!

Ah!

Did you... need to get your stuff?

Can I still spend the night?

Of course.

I'm sorry

that I wasn't more supportive.

I really do think you're incredibly talented.

Thanks.

So are you.

Sorry I messed up your bedroom

and called you a bitch.

When did you call me a bitch?

Oh like, in my head all the time.

How was the party?

It was fine.

I made out with a cute guy.

But then he puked everywhere, so I had JD bring me back.

You made out with some... some stranger?

Wh-Why?

I dunno.

Change of scenery.

You should try it.

Hey, you can sleep by me. Eh?

I mean, Ally won't be here to make her giant Big Bird nest, so...

Oh, excuse you!

Ally?

The prodigal daughter returns!

Yeah, they didn't have costumes or cheese balls,

so I had to motor.

- Dah! - Hey!

Yay.

There's room over here, Gene.

Wanna help me move the table?

Are you okay?

Huh?

Uh, yeah.

We're back!

Look who's home!

- Everybody have a good time? - Hi, Mommy.

Nice dress, Mrs. Z!

You like Gene a lot, right?

Like, more than a friend?

Did Rose say something?

No. No no no.

I just,

I'm not sure Gene likes girls.

What do you mean?

I mean I've noticed that Gene seems to like boys a lot.

Like Oscar. Or how Oscar likes JD.

But Oscar has a girlfriend.

Okay... okay.

Okay, I was just at Sammy's and Sammy is definitely gay.

But that doesn't mean Gene is.

True, but what about that story

he told us about his gay coworker?

Look,

don't tell him I said anything.

I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but,

I just want you to mind your expectations.

Trust me. I've been there before.

Rose?

Yes, Darling?

Farts are funny.

Farts are not funny!

Yes they are!

Oh! Four Farts and a Funeral.

Jurassic Fart.

Ooh, ooh, um,

Robin Hood, Prince of Farts.

You guys, shh!

The Remains of the Fart.

The Silence of the Farts!

Go to bed.

You have an early flight.

Rose, you have an early fart.

Shh, okay.

Good night.

Shh!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, it's after laugh.

What's after laugh?

It's like, um,

when everybody's done laughing

and you just start thinking about what was funny,

so you start laughing all over again.

Okay, see? So you just, you just pre-laughed.

What's pre-laugh?

It's when you're already laughing,

and then you just anticipate

the next thing someone says is also gonna be funny.

So basically you're just laughing

before the punchline even happens.

I never knew there were so many laugh layers.

That's, that's why you gotta stick with me.

Hey, I'm,

I'm sorry for being a jerk tonight.

And for not calling you back.

Sounds like work's been a lot.

Your coworker's problem?

Does he ever pray about it?

I don't think he's into that.

You can still pray for him, I mean.

I pray for you.

Everybody is so concerned for my immortal soul.

I love you, Gene.

I love you too.

You're like, uh,

the sister I never had.

Sweet dreams.

Night.

Apples and cheese.

We look like we're in a lineup.

Criminals, turn to your left.

Now the other way.

Okay, okay, don't miss your flight.

Last call for Flight 32.

Guys, lighten up.

She'll be back in three months.

No, Christmas break is in four months.

She's going to college. She's not dying.

Chalo, chalo, chalo!

Relax, Ma!

It's not like the freeway closes in five minutes!

It's called separation anxiety.

Why are you so right?

I'll miss you.

I know the Lord has something great in store for you.

Thank you.

Has anyone seen Pokey Panda?

Yeah, he's in the milk crate.

And then I also need the...

♪ I guess this is goodbye, old pal ♪

I have faith in you, Pepper.

♪ Goodbye! ♪

Then there were two.

Hey, what time's your flight leave tomorrow? Eight?

Nine. P.m.

P.m.?

Yeah. It's a red-eye.

Shoot, I have, I have to work.

Hakuna matata.

I don't need a big, dramatic sendoff.

Fine. It's been swell knowin' ya.

Hey, how's your coworker, by the way?

Oh, uh.

He's fine.

Better, actually.

Good.

You see JD this week?

Yeah, actually, uh, with Sammy.

He and I are supposed to go see

this movie about a desert queen.

Awesome.

Sammy's really cool.

Yeah.

You know, um,

we all love you.

Okay?

No matter what.

Hey! Uh, send me your number the minute you get it!

♪ That it's old and it's totally over now ♪

♪ And it's old and it's over, it's over now ♪

♪ And it's over, it's over, it's over ♪

♪ Now I can see myself ♪

♪ At the end of the tour ♪

♪ When the road disappears ♪

♪ If there's any more people around ♪

♪ When the tour runs aground ♪

♪ And if you're still around ♪

♪ Then we'll meet at the end of the tour ♪

♪ The engagements are booked through the end of the world ♪

♪ So we meet at the end of the tour ♪

♪ Never to part since the day we met ♪

♪ Out on Interstate 91 ♪

♪ I was bent metal you were a flaming wreck ♪

♪ When we kissed at the overpass ♪

♪ I was sailing along with the people ♪

♪ Driving themselves to distraction inside me ♪

♪ Then came a knock on the door which was odd ♪

♪ And the picture abruptly changed ♪

♪ At the end of the tour ♪

♪ When the road disappears ♪

♪ If there's any more people around ♪

♪ When the tour runs aground ♪

♪ And if you're still around ♪

♪ Then we'll meet at the end of the tour ♪

♪ The engagements are booked through the end of the world ♪

♪ So we'll meet at the end of the tour ♪

♪ And we're never gonna tour again ♪

♪ No, we're never gonna tour again ♪

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull