Original subtitles

- The gentleman has not arrived? - No, he has not.

Why, I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled.

What difference does it make? It's too late to dine now.

- Oh, boy. - Yes, madam.

Will you page Mr. Otis b. Driftwood, please?

- Mr. Driftwood! - Ha-ha-ha!

Boy, will you do me a favor and stop yelling my name

all over this restaurant. Do I go around yelling your name?

- Mr. Driftwood! - Say is your voice changing?

Or is somebody else paging me around here?

- Mr. Driftwood! - Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello!

Mr. Driftwood, you invited me to dine with you at 7:00.

- It is now 8:00, and no dinner. - What do you mean no dinner?

I just had one of the biggest meals I ever ate in my life.

And no thanks to you, either.

I've been sitting right here, since 7 o'clock.

Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner,

I expect her to look at my face.

That's the price she has to pay.

Your check, sir.

[Whistles] $9.40? This is an outrage!

If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.

Now, then, Mrs. Claypool, what are we gonna have for dinner?

- You've had your dinner. - Alright, we'll have breakfast.

- Waiter! - Yes, sir.

- Have you got milk-fed chicken? - Yes, sir.

Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.

Yes, sir.

You promised to put me into society.

In all that time, you've done nothing

but draw a very handsome salary.

You think that's nothing, huh?

How many men do you suppose are drawing

why, you can count them on the fingers of one hand,

I'm not your good woman!

Don't say that, Mrs. Claypool.

I don't care what your past has been.

To me, you'll always be my good woman, because I love you.

There. I didn't mean to tell you but you,

you dragged it out of me. I love you.

It's rather difficult to believe that

when I find you dining with another woman.

That woman? Do you know why I sat with her?

- No. - 'Cause she reminded me of you.

- Really? - Of course.

That's why I'm sitting here with you,

because you remind me of you.

Your eyes, your throat, your lips...

Everything about you reminds me of you...

How do you account for that?

If she figures that one out, she's good.

Mr. Driftwood, I think we'd better keep everything

how do you like that? Every time I get romantic

with you, you wanna talk business.

I don't know. There's something about me

that brings out the business in every women.

You see that man over there eating spaghetti?

Mrs. Claypool: No.

Well, you see the spaghetti, don't you?

'\

None other than Herman gottlieb...

Director of the New York opera company.

- Do you follow me? - Yes!

Well, stop following me, or I'll have you arrested!

Now, I've arranged for you to invest

$200,000 in the New York opera company.

- I don't understand. - Don't you see?

You'll be a patron of the opera.

You'll get into society.

And you can marry me, and they will kick you out of society...

And all you've lost is $200,000.

- Oh, Mr. Driftwood. - Oh, gottlieb. Allow me.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool.

Mrs. Claypool, I could go on like this all night,

but it's tough on my suspenders.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool.

- Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. - Oh, what are you doing?

Now, if you four people want to play bridge,

don't mind me, go right ahead.

Mrs. Claypool, I'm so happy.

I just wanted to see if your rings were still there.

Mrs. Claypool, you're as charming as you are beautiful.

I'm afraid you've used that speech before, Mr. Gottlieb.

'\

Making love to Mrs. Claypool is my racket.

You better make it sound plausible, because

Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap as she looks.

I think the Europeans do it better.

Alright, gottlieb, it's your turn, you take a whack at her...

And keep it clean.

Mrs. Claypool, it is most generous of you to help us.

Now, you have, of course, heard of Rodolfo lassparri.

- Oh, of course. - Oh...

He's the greatest tenor since caruso.

- Yes. - Tonight, uh...

With the money you so generously provide

I sign lassparri for the opera company.

All New York will be at your feet.

Well, there's plenty of room.

And now, the, uh, the opera awaits us.

If you both will honor me by occupying my box.

- I should be charmed. - And you, Mr. Driftwood?

Well, uh, I'll join up with you later.

Now, listen, gottlieb, nix on the lovemaking,

because I saw Mrs. Claypool first.

Of course, her mother really saw her first,

but there's no point in bringing the civil war into this.

What are you doing in my costume?

Take it off at once, do you hear?

Why, you...

You...

Take off that dress, do you hear me?

You dumb idiot, you do what I say, or I'll break your neck!

Do you hear me? Take off that dress!

If I get my hands on you, you will never hear the end of this!

You're no longer my dresser, you're fired!

Get out. Do you hear me? Out you go.

And don't come back in here again.

Don't you care. You're lucky to be rid of him.

- Oh. Good evening, Rosa. - Good evening, signore.

Tomasso, why don't you come in? I've been waiting for you.

Are they not beautiful, signorina?

From signor lassparri.

If they were the only flowers in the world!

[Knock on door] Come in!

Oh, no. Not if you're gonna use that tone.

Now, let's try the whole thing all over again.

Only this time, try to be a little more cordial.

[Knock on door] Come in.

Ah, that's better. Now, let's try it once more.

[Giggling] No, Ricky. You're such a fool.

Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?

Oh, I suppose I sent for you?

Well, you meant to. Didn't she, Marie?

Ah, look, here it is the last night of the season

and I'm more in love with you than ever.

Now, what're you gonna do about it?

Oh, Ricardo, we have all summer to talk that over.

Tonight, we have to sing an opera.

We have to sing an opera? You have to sing an opera.

I'm nothing but a glorified chorus man.

- Don't say that. - I've got to say it.

I've got something else to say.

Unless that big ham lassparri asked you first.

- He has asked me first. - Just my luck.

But I'm having supper with you, riccardo.

Hooray! We'll have champagne, music, flowers...

"Lassparri."

Oh, no. No flowers.

- Well, fiorello! - Tony!

Where have you been all these weeks?

Oh, here, there, different places.

You got some mail for me?

Mail for you? You don't work here.

Alright, so where am I gonna get my mail? I no work anyplace.

- Shh! - Shh!

- Hey, not so good. - Shh, shh!

You got something for me, too? What do you got?

Where's... where's riccardo?

- Alright. - Shh.

- Fiorello! - Ricardo!

Nice to see you. What are you doing here?

I thought you were out with the circus.

The circus? When was I with the circus?

Oh, I nearly forgot.

It was a long time ago, last week.

Why, since then I have lots ofjobs.

Your piano and my voice.

You know all those years we studied at the conservatory,

oh, what's a matter with you?

We're still young. We've got our health.

Someday, riccardo, you're gonna be

where lassparri is.

Why, when you were little boy, six years old,

you sing better than lassparri.

Yeah, maybe I was better at six than I am now.

Ah, you make me sick. You crazy.

Why, you sing better than lassparri

ever could sing, and you know it.

Alright, I know it and you know it,

- alright. We tell the public. - How?

What you need is a manager.

A wise guy, somebody who's very smart.

Hey... I know just the man for you!

- You do? Who is it? - Me! [Laughs]

But you wouldn't make any money at it.

Alright, I'll break even. Just as long as I no lose nothing.

Is the opera over yet?

Not yet, signore, in a few minutes.

Hey, you, I told you to slow that nag down.

On account of you, I nearly heard the opera.

Now, there, once around the park, and drive slowly.

And none of your back talk.

You're still crazy about her?

And she's crazy about you, too?

Even if she was, I couldn't ask her to marry me.

Hey, don't worry. The manager, he'll fix everything.

You and me, just like old times, eh?

- Yeah, like old times. - Yeah, you bet my life.

If you pardon my saying so, Mrs. Claypool...

Mr. Driftwood seems to me hardly the person

to handle your business affairs.

I'm beginning to think the same thing.

Well, I made it. How soon does the curtain go up?

The curtain, Mr. Driftwood, will go up again next season.

You've missed the entire opera.

Well, I only missed it by a few minutes.

Then, I can go then, eh?

Well, Mrs. Claypool, was I right?

Isn't lassparri the greatest tenor that ever lived?

But what did you have to pay him?

No matter what we pay him.

Why, he would be worth $1,000 a night.

- How much? - $1,000 a night.

$1,000 a night. What does he do?

What does he do? He sings.

And you're willing to pay him $1,000 a night just for singing?

Why, you can get a phonograph record of minnie the moocher

for $1.25, you can get minnie.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mrs. Claypool...

I think I had better arrange to see lassparri immediately.

You are agreed, $1,000 a night?

Just as you think.

$1,000 a night. There must be some way

I can get a piece of this.

Wait a minute. Why don't I sign lassparri?

But I represent the New York opera company.

Now, boy? Will you give my card to signor lassparri, please?

What is it? What do you want?

- Rosa. - Yes, signore?

My good friend Herman gottlieb is coming back to see me.

How would you like to have supper with us?

I'm terribly sorry, signor lassparri,

oh, I see...

Well, that's too bad, because I have an idea,

he's going to invite me to sing in New York.

And, uh...

He may permit me to select my leading lady.

Are you sure you can't break your appointment?

I'm terribly sorry, signore,

What do you mean by humiliating me in front of those people?

You're fired, do you understand? You're fired.

Hey, big bully, what's the idea of hitting that little bully?

Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs? Get out.

Now, what do you got to say to me?

Just this. Can you sleep on your stomach with such

why, you...

Nice work, I think you got him.

That'll bring him to.

You're sorry for what you did, eh?

That shows a nice spirit.

'\

- How do you do? - Hello.

- What's the matter, mister? - Oh, we had an argument.

He pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.

Do you mind if I...

No, no. Go right ahead. Plenty of room.

Well, things seem to be getting better around the country.

I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.

Say, I just remember. I came back here looking for somebody.

You don't know who it is, do you?

It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.

Oh, I know, I know. The greatest tenor in the world.

- Why, I'm his manager. - Whose manager?

The greatest tenor in the world.

The fellow that sings at the opera here?

What do you care? I can't pronounce it.

Well, uh, I want to sign him up

for the New York opera company.

Do you know that america is waiting to hear him sing?

Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.

Well, I think I can get america to meet him halfway.

You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

How much you pay him?

Well, I don't know. Let's see...

- How about $10 a night? - 10, $10?

Alright, but remember, I get 10%

yes, and I get 10% for being the manager.

Well, that leaves him, uh...

- $8. - $8, eh?

Well, he sends $5 home to his mother.

- Well, that leaves $3. - $3.

Can he live in New York on $3?

Like a prince.

Of course, he won't be able to eat,

but he can live like a prince.

However, out of that $3, you know,

he'll have to pay an income tax.

Oh, his income tax...

Yes, you know, there's a federal tax,

and a state tax, and a city tax...

And a street tax, and a sewer tax.

Well, I figure if he doesn't sing too often,

- alright, we take it. - Alright, fine.

'\

You just put his name at the top,

and, uh, and you sign at the bottom.

There's no need of you reading that,

yeah, it's a duplicate, I see.

- Duplicates, eh? - I say, they're duplicates.

Yeah, sure, is a duplicate.

Don't you know what duplicates are?

Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

I haven't been in Canada in years.

- What does it say? - Well, go on and read it.

Alright, I'll read it to you.

- Can you hear? - I haven't heard anything yet.

Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.

Oh, that's why I didn't hear anything.

Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

Can you read?

I can read, but I can't see it.

Don't seem to have it in focus here.

If my arms were a little longer, I could read it.

You haven't got a baboon in your pocket, have you?

Here, here, here we are. I've got it...

Now, pay particular attention to this first clause

because it's most important. [Clears throat]

It says the, uh... "The party of the first part

shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

No, it's no good.

I don't know. Let's hear it again.

It says the, uh, "the party of the first part

shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

That sounds a little better, this time.

Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?

Uh, just the first part.

What do you mean? "The party of the first part?"

No. The first part of "the party of the first part."

Alright, it says, "the, uh...

"The first part of the party of the first part,

"shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party

of the first part, shall be known in this contract..."

Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this?

- We'll take it right out, huh? - Yeah. It's too long anyhow.

Now, what do we got left?

Well, I got about a foot and a half.

Now, it says the...

"The party of the second part shall be known

in this contract as the party of the second part."

Well, I don't know about that.

'\

I don't like the second party either.

Well, you should have come to the first party.

We didn't get home till around four in the morning.

I was blind for three days.

Hey, look, why can't the first part of the second party

be the second part of the first party? Then you got something.

Well, look, uh, rather than go through

all that again, what do you say...

Now, uh, now, I've got something here you're bound to like.

- You'll be crazy about it. - No, I don't like it.

Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Well, don't let's break up an old friendship

over a thing like that.

- Ready? - Okay.

Now, the next part, I don't think you're going to like.

Well, your word's good enough for me.

Now, is my word good enough for you?

I should say not.

Well, that takes out two more clauses.

Now, “the party of the eighth part..."

- No, that's no good, no. - No?

- “The party of the ninth..." - No, that's no good, too.

Hey, how is it my contract is skinnier than yours?

Well, I don't know, you must have been

out on a tear last night.

But anyhow, we're all set now, aren't we?

- Ah, sure. - Now, just, uh...

Just you put your name right down there,

and then the deal is, is legal.

I forgot to tell you, I can't write.

Oh, that's alright, there's no ink in the pen, anyhow.

But, listen, it's a contract, isn't it?

- Oh, sure. - We've got a contract.

'\

Hey, wait, wait.

What does this say here? This thing here.

Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause.

That's in every contract.

Thatjust says, uh... It says, uh...

"If any of the parties participating in this contract

"are shown not to be in their right mind,

the entire agreement is automatically nullified."

It's alright. T... that's in every contract.

T... that's what they call a sanity clause.

[Laughs] You can't fool me.

There ain't no sanity claus.

Well, you win the white carnation.

- I'll give this to riccardo. - Sensation in New York.

Pardon me. Could you tell me where signor lassparri is?

Sure. There's lassparri.

Lassparri? Then whom did I sign?

You signed riccardo barone. That's my man.

Signor lassparri, what happened?

Gottlieb: Speak to me. It's me, it's gottlieb.

Speak to me, it's me. It's gottlieb.

[Gasp] What is this now?

How early the fruit is falling this season.

Are you sure you have everything, Otis?

I've never had any complaints yet.

Well, here you are.

On your way to america and fame.

Oh, riccardo, I'm going to miss you.

How do you think I feel about it?

Oh, miss castaldi, all ready for the big trip?

This is riccardo barone of the opera company.

- How do you do? - Barone? Did you say barone?

Is it as funny as all that?

Mr. Otis b. Driftwood seems to think that

you have quite a voice.

Really he has, a wonderful voice.

- Yes, really I have. - Well, that's interesting.

- Oh, rodolpho. - Rosa...

- Come on, riccardo, come on. - No, thanks.

Come on, Ricky!

- Signor lassparri. - Yes?

Will you give us a farewell song?

- Oh, please! - Please...

- Yes, sing us a song. - Comeonm

my dear friends, I am so sorry, I must be excused.

But I have a slight touch of laryngitis.

- Where's Rosa? - Yes, Rosa!

Why should I sing for them when I'm not being paid for it?

- Please sing. - No.

Yes, of course I'll sing.

J' I'll find you in each dream I dream I

j' I'll count the hours when we are apart I

J' alone with the sky of romance above I

j' alone when you whisper goodbye my love j'

I but I will still remember the happiness I

j' and though I may be alone I

J' as long as I find you in every dream j"

j' I know I'll see you each night

j' in the starlight's gleam j“

j' and in those magic moments I

I I'll have you for my own I

j' till we are together we two j'

J' alone with a sky of romance above I

j' alone when you whisper goodbye j“

I my love j'

j' the happiness we've known I

j' and though I may be alone I

J' as long as I find you j'

j' in every dream I

j' I'll see you each night j“

j' in the starlight's gleam j“

there must be a place for him in New York.

Someday, perhaps, when he has made a reputation.

J' till we are together I

- All visitors, ashore! - Rosa!

- Fiorello! - Ahh!

- Oh, we've come to say goodbye.

- Have a good time. - Ahh!

Fiorello: Alright, goodbye. Arrivederci.

Hey! Come on, come on!

J' the happiness we've known I

- Alright, take it away. - Yes, sir.

Hey, have I got time to go back and pay my hotel bill?

- Sorry. Too late. - That suits me fine.

J“ alone alone till we are together j“

Hey! Hey, that's mine.

A trunk thief, eh? Where you going with that?

- Suite number 58, sir. - 58? That's me.

Let's go.

What's your idea? Hit-and-run driver, huh?

I... I'm sorry, sir.

Sorry, my eye. Look at that Fender.

It's all bumped out of shape.

You'll pay for this, my good man. Let me see your number.

32, eh? You got any insurance?

- What? No, sir. - Are you insured?

Well, you're just the fellow I want to see.

I have here an accident policy

that absolutely protects you no matter what happens.

If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.

And all this will cost you is, uh...

What have you got there? A dollar?

$1. Here you are.

Suite 58, and don't go over 20 miles an hour.

Say, was that three fellows or one fellow with three beards?

Hi, gottlieb, always beating around the bush.

- Wait a minute. - [Woman crying]

- Just a little homesick. - That's funny.

I happen to have with me the greatest prescription

for homesickness you ever saw.

A fellow gave it to me just before the boat sailed.

Here's the prescription, and take it every two hours.

[Laughs] Oh!

I'm going out and getting another prescription.

- Ah, hello, toots. - Hello.

Say, pretty classy layout you got here.

Do you like it?

Ah! Twin beds. You little rascal, you.

- One of those is a day bed. - A likely story.

Have you read any good books lately?

Mr. Driftwood, will you please get off the bed?

They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.

Now, will you please shut up so I can continue my reading?

No, I will not shut up.

And will you kindly get up at once?

I'll make you another proposition.

Let's go in my room and talk the situation over.

Well, uh, what situations have you got?

I most certainly will not go to your room.

Okay. Then I'll stay here.

I'll come, but get out.

Shall we say, uh, ten minutes?

Yes, 10 minutes. Anything, but go.

Because if you're not there in 10 minutes,

- with squeaky shoes on. - Oh.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- This can't be my room. - Yes, sir.

- Suite number 58, sir. - 58?

That's an awful big number for a birdcage this size.

Wouldn't it be simpler if you just put the stateroom

say, who is responsible

for installing me in this telephone booth?

Mr. Gottlieb picked it out for you, sir.

Gottlieb, eh? Well, that's awfully decent of him.

Did he pick out the whole room or just the porthole?

I'm sure you'll find it very cozy, sir.

Cozy? Cozy is hardly the word for it.

- Anything else, sir? - Yes.

Tomorrow you can take the trunk out and I'll go in.

Yes, sir.

J“ sing ho for the open highway j'

j“ sing ho for the open road j“

j“ with the ah-ha-ha ha-ha ha ha j“j“

heho, boss. What are you doing here?

Well, this makes it a perfect voyage.

I'm terribly sorry, but I-I thought this was my trunk.

It is your trunk.

I don't remember packing you boys.

Remember riccardo barone, the greatest tenor in the world?

You nearly signed him up once.

Oh, sure. I just delivered a letter for you. How are you?

Pretty good. Thanks. Just a little cramped.

As soon as we get out in the open ocean,

there'll be plenty of room.

Say, isn't that my shirt you've got on?

Hey, look, I don't know. I found it in the trunk.

Well, it's nice seeing you boys again.

But I was expecting my other suit.

You didn't happened to see it, did you?

Yeah. Took up too much room, so we sold it.

- Did you get anything for it? - Uh, $1.40.

That's my suit, alright.

Say, it's lucky I left another shirt in this drawer.

That can't be my shirt. My shirt doesn't snore.

Shh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia.

He's trying to sleep it off.

That's as grisly a looking object as I've ever seen.

Well, get him up out of there.

Well, I wish you fellows would explain this thing to me.

Well, it's very simple.

You see, riccardo, he's in love with Rosa.

Rosa, she go to New York. We want to go to New York, too.

But we got no money, so we hide in the trunk.

Well, if you got no money, what are you gonna do in New York?

Well, I can sing. There must be some place for me to work.

Besides, I can be near Rosa. That's the main thing.

Well, you won't give us away, will you, Mr. Driftwood?

No, but you fellows have got to get out of here.

I've got a date with a lady in a few minutes,

and, uh, you know the old saying,

"two's company and five's a crowd."

We go, but first we want something to eat.

We no eat all day. We're hungry.

Well, we'll discuss the food situation later.

We get food, or we don't go.

I know I never should have met you fellows.

Alright, but you've gotta promise

to scram out right after you've eaten.

- Alright. - I'll go and get the steward.

And you fellows be quiet. Remember, you're stowaways.

- We no say nothing. - Alright.

Now, just, uh...

Just put that bag of jell-o over here. Huh!

Wouldn't it be simpler if you just had him stuffed?

I'll go and get the steward and...

Say, is it the door of the room or am I in the trunk?

Oh, over here.

Be quiet, now. Don't make any noise.

- We no say nothing. - I'll get the steward.

- Stew! - Yes, sir.

- I say, stew... - Yes, sir.

- What do we got for dinner? - Anything you like, sir.

You might have some tomato juice, orange juice,

grape juice, pineapple juice...

Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted.

Alright, let me have one of each.

And, uh, two fried eggs, two poached eggs,

two scrambled eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.

Driftwood: And two hard-boiled eggs.

Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

And, uh, some roast beef: Rare, medium, well-done, and overdone.

Fiorello: And two hard-boiled eggs.

Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

And, uh, eight pieces of French pastry.

Driftwood: And two hard-boiled eggs.

Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?

- Yes, sir. - Give them some black coffee.

It's either foggy out, or make that 12 more hard-boiled eggs.

And steward, rush that along. Because, the faster it comes,

the faster this convention will be over.

Yes, sir.

Do they allow tipping on the boat?

Oh, yes, sir!

- Have you got two fives? - Yes, sir.

Well, then you won't need the 10 cents I was gonna give you.

Well, that's fine. If that steward is deaf and dumb,

he'll never know you're in here.

- Oh, sure that's alright. - Yes?

We've come to make up your room.

I can't tell until they get in the room.

Come in, girls, and leave all hope behind.

You've gotta work fast because

you've gotta get out in 10 minutes.

Hey, tomasso, wake up.

They're going to fix the bed.

Say, there's a slight misunderstanding here.

I said the girls had to work fast, not your friend.

You know, he does better asleep than I do awake.

Yeah, he always sleeps that way.

Yes, he's half-asleep in a half Nelson.

- Alright, come on. - Yes?

I'm the engineer. I'm here to turn off the heat.

Alright, you can start right in on him.

Tomasso, we're going to eat soon.

You know, if it wasn't for gottlieb,

I wouldn't have got this room.

- Yes? - Did you want a manicure?

:\

I hadn't planned on a manicure.

But I think on a journey like this, you ought to have

every convenience you can get.

Hey, listen, I'm getting the manicure.

Get out of here, will you?

Did you want your nails long or short?

You better make them short. It's getting kind of crowded in here.

I don't know. This isn't the way I pictured an ocean voyage.

I always visualized myself sitting in a steamer chair,

with a steward bringing me bouillon.

You couldn't get bouillon in here unless

they brought it in through a keyhole.

You know, I had a premonition you were going to show up.

The engineer's right over there in the corner.

You can chop your way right through.

Say, is it my imagination, or is it getting crowded in here?

Oh, I got plenty of room.

- Yes? - Is my aunt minnie in here?

Well, you can come in and prowl around if you want to.

If she isn't in here, you can probably find somebody

just as good.

- Well, could I use your phone? - Use the phone?

I'll lay you even money you can't get in the room.

How do you do?

This boat will be in New York before you get to that phone.

I came to mop up.

Just the woman I'm looking for.

You'll have to start on the ceiling.

It's the only place that isn't being occupied.

You can clean my shoes if you want to.

Tell aunt minnie to send up a bigger room too, will you?

- Steward. - Ah, come right in.

- Hey, tomasso, the food! - Steward.

We've been waiting all afternoon for you.

- I want my aunt minnie! - Here comes the food. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen...

It is with great pleasure that I welcome you all

on this, the final night of the voyage.

I cannot let the evening pass

to our distinguished guests of honor.

The three greatest aviators in the world.

But you notice they're traveling by boat.

We are honored by your presence, gentlemen.

- Thank you. - Thank you, captain.

- Do you rumba? - Why, yes. Of course I do.

Well, take a rumba from one to ten.

Mr. Claypool went to his reward three years ago.

- And left you all alone. - All alone.

Listen, gottlieb, you're just wasting your time.

If Mrs. Claypool wants to marry a fortune hunter...

- She's always got me. - Fortune hunter?

As a matter of fact, you can hardly call me a fortune hunter.

Because when I first proposed Mrs. Claypool,

I thought she only had $7 million.

But the extra million never interfered

with my feelings for her.

If you had any real feeling for me, you'd stop associating

with the kinda riffraff I've seen you going around with.

I saw you around the opera house with.

I'm grateful they're not on board the boat.

- Why, have they slipped off? - Sit down!

Hey, come on, we find something to eat.

You know, if they catch us, they'll deport us.

What do we gotta lose? If they deport us, they gotta feed us.

Come on, we'll take a chance.

Does it mean nothing to you that

I'm the greatest singer in the world?

But I love to hear you sing, rodofio.

Oh, no, no, no...

Let me put it this way. I love you.

I adore you. I would die for you.

- Now, do you understand? - I'm afraid I don't.

The whole thing is very simple.

When he says he's the greatest singer in the world,

that means he loves you.

Personally, I don't believe either statement.

Oh, you...

There may be something in what you say.

I'll tell you something confidenfiahy.

The only tenor I could ever stand

was a fellow by the name of, uh,

- ever hear of him? - Riccardo.

I wonder where he is right now.

Probably roaming over the countryside some place.

He never could stand being cooped up.

Well, tomasso, you feel better now, eh?

And, you, riccardo, how do you feel?

- Why, I could sing my head off. - Glad to see you!

J“ it's a wonderful word tra la la la j“

j“ cosi cosa cosi cosa j“

hey, stop that! Get away from those instruments!

- What are you doing here? - Please let him play.

Let him play.

It's alright with me. Let him play.

J“ there's an old Italian phrase j“

J“ every little bambina learns it the very first day j“

j“ every sweet signorina j“

j“ says it the very same way j“

j“ these funny little words don't really mean a thing j“

j“ it's just a phrase that nowadays Italians love to sing j“

j“ it's a wonderful word tra la la la j“

j“ when anyone asks you how you are j“

j“ it's proper to say cosi cosa j“

j“ if a lady should ask you if you care j“

j“ you don't have to start a love affair j“

j“ say cosi cosa j“

j“ does it mean yes no j“

j“ well yes and no j“

J“ get together and sing tra la la la j“

j“ it's easy this way so start today and learn to say j“

j“ cosi j“

J“ it's a wonderful word tra la la la la j“

j“ if anyone asks you how you are j“

j“ it's proper to say cosi cosa cosi cosa j“

j“ if a lady should ask you if you care j“

j“ you don't have to start a love affair j“

j“ say cosi cosa j“

j“ does it mean yes no j“

j“ does it mean no well yes and no j“

j“ get together and sing tra la la la j“

j“ it's easy this way so start today j“

j“ and learn to say cosi cosa j“

J“heyj“

j“heyj“

J“heyj“

J“ so start today and learn to say cosi cosa j“

Those men, they can't be passengers on this boat.

They must be stowaways.

Stowaways? We'll soon find out.

What are you, are you crazy?

Ha-ha. You got it. Fine.

Now, you go first and see if it's safe.

Come on. Oh, no, no. Out you go.

You're alright, but the boat's too far away.

Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to...

Our distinguished guests have asked me to represent

them and to act as their interpreter.

Now, if you all follow me, I'll take you to their cabin.

And if they're still in it, very few of us

Pardon me, our distinguished guests

they'll be right out.

Here, give me that. Let's cut this short.

The whole thing is very simple.

They want you to go city hall,

and the mayor's gonna make another speech.

We can tear up the mayor's speech when we get there.

And, so my friends, as mayor of this great city

I take pleasure in inviting our distinguished visitors

to tell us something about their achievement.

- Tell them you're not here. - Suppose they don't believe me?

They'll believe you when you start talking.

- Friends... - Talk fast.

I see a man in the crowd with a rope.

How we happen to come to america is a great story,

when we first started out, we got no idea

you give us this grand reception.

And when I say we don't deserve it

believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Eh?

That's a novelty.

So, now I tell you how we fly to america.

The first time when we started, we get the halfway across

when we run out of gasoline.

And we got to go back.

Then I take twice as much gasoline.

This time, we were just about to land, maybe three feet.

When, what do you think, we run out of gasoline again.

And back we go and get more gas.

This time, I take plenty gas.

When, what do you think happened?

So, we gotta sit down and talk it over.

We no take gasoline. We no take the airplane.

And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.

I'm going out to arrange your bail.

This is the mayor again.

In introducing another of our heroes

who will tell you something of his exploits.

From now on, it's every man for himself.

I would suggest you make your speech

a little more direct than your brother's.

What will you give me to set fire to your beard?

Well, we're alright as long as the water supply holds out.

Please, the radio. Your speech.

You know what, they may have to build a dam in the back of him.

Hey, I think these fellas are phonies.

- What's that you say? - You heard me.

You hear what they say? They say, they've never been so

insulted in their life and they absolutely refuses to stay here.

No, no, please. He didn't mean it.

Of course, you know this means war.

Now see, what you've done!

I'm sorry. I'm awful sorry.

I apologize, and I hope you're not offended.

Go on! After him! After him!

What are you singing about? Read this.

[Whistling] What are you gonna do?

Do? The first thing I'm gonna do is

throw those two gorillas out of here.

That goes for you, too.

Thought I got rid of those mugs when I sold my trunk.

Kiddies! Come on, everything is piping hot.

- Good morning. - Oh, boy, I'm hungry.

Oh, read that. That will take away your appetite.

No. That only makes me hungrier.

Come on. You're going to be late forjail.

Well, those certainly went like hot cakes.

You know, this isn't the way I anticipated my breakfast.

I'm certainly getting enough of you fellas.

- I no like cupcakes. - No.

I know when I've had enough.

Say, wait a minute, wait a minute.

That was a two-bit cigar.

- I just... - [Laughing]

Oh, bad enough I have to smoke

those things without eating them.

Glad I didn't bring my vest.

I forgot to tell you.

He ate your vest last night for dessert.

Yes, and that's giving him all the best of it.

Thought I had another cigar on me.

He's going to smell like a vegetable salad

you know, I've been looking forward to this breakfast.

This is how it wound up.

- Well, I'll take a quart... - A little of that, anyway.

Why don't you fellows be nice?

Get out of here before I get arrested.

Nah, I'd like to stay and see that.

If it's a policeman, knock once more.

- That's good enough for me. - Get out. Scram.

You remember me. I'm Henderson, plainclothesman.

You look more like an old clothes man to me.

- Nice place. - Well, it's, it's comfortable.

Yes. Just me and my memories.

- I'm practically a hermit. - Hmm, a hermit?

I notice the table is set for four.

That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for 8:00.

That doesn't prove a thing.

A wise guy.

Well, I'll take a little look around.

- Hey, you. - Coming.

What's a hermit doing with four beds?

Well, you see those first three beds?

- Yes. - Last night...

I counted 5,000 sheep on those three beds.

So I had to have another bed to sleep.

You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?

- Who're you talking to? - I was talking to myself.

There's nothing you can do about it.

I've had three of the best doctors in the east.

Well, I certainly heard somebody say something.

Oh, sheer folly on your part.

Why, that's a fire escape.

And, uh, that's a table. And this is a room.

And there's the door leading out. And I wish you'd use it.

I, I want to be alone.

You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.

Driftwood: Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?

Look out. He's coming around the other way.

Get inside, quick. If he catc...

I believe, you mean the stretch at the big house

if he sees you in here. Don't let him catch you...

- Henderson: Hey, you! - Coming.

What are you referring to, colonel?

The last time I was in this room, there were four beds here.

Please. I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.

[Groans] Oh!

Say... what's that bed doing here?

There's something funny going on around here.

But I'll get to the bottom of it.

- Driftwood: Stairs right there. - Look out!

- Driftwood: Be on your guard. - Hey, you!

Am I crazy, or are there only two beds here?

Now, which question do you want me to answer first,

ahh! Say...

How... how did those two beds get together?

Well, you know how those things are. They breed like rabbits.

Let me tell you something.

I'll solve this if I have to stay here all night.

Let me tell you something, if you are gonna stay

here all night, you're gonna have to bring your own bed.

- One bed! - One bed?

Now they're all gone. I know I am crazy.

I beg your pardon, I must be in the wrong room.

J“ I'm gone j“

j“ as long... j“

j“ as long as I find you j“

j“ in every dream j“j“

oh, you thought you could come to america without me, huh?

Oh, you fool. You dear, dear fool.

Because I'm in love with you, you call me a fool.

Well, there may be something in that.

- But what are you doing here? - Easiest thing in the world.

An open window, a detective, and here I am.

Oh, riccardo, you shouldn't have.

They'll... they'll only send you back again.

Perhaps even put you in jail.

Well, I don't care, darling. It's worth it.

Suppose, suppose I go to Mr. Gottlieb.

Maybe he'd intercede for you.

Oh, gottlieb couldn't do anything.

Besides, lassparri's got to him first.

But there must be something we can do.

- Who is it? - Rodolfo: It is I. Rodolfo.

No. No, of course not.

Only, um, I was just going to take a nap.

Rosa, why did you do this to me?

Whenever I want to see you, you make some excuse.

You will not dine with me, you will not ride with me,

you won't even take a walk with me.

But, Rodolfo, you... You know how busy I am.

Well, have you forgotten that it was I

who... brought about your debut in america?

No, no, I haven't forgotten.

Then why do you treat me this way?

Rodolfo, I must ask you to leave.

Oh, come now, my dear. Be sensible.

If you ask me, I think she's being very sensible.

You did not tell me you had a previous engagement.

- Well, now you know it. - And I apologize.

In a boudoir, two are company, three a crowd.

- Just what do you mean by that? - Please, riccardo.

Surely I have made my meaning clear.

You have not heard the end of this.

- I'm sure I haven't. - You may be very sure.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Driftwood. - Good afternoon, Tim.

- Ready for the opening tonight? - Am I?

That's alright, boys. I was young myself once.

Thank you.

All: Good morning, Mr. Driftwood.

Splendid. Sing well tonight, now.

Waiting for you, Mr. Driftwood. Step right in.

Thank you, Otto.

- Nice day, isn't it? - Driftwood: It has its points.

- Here you are, sir. - Thank you, Otto.

Otto: That's alright, Mr. Driftwood.

What's all this? What's going on here?

You mean, what's coming off here?

- You can't do that. - Wanna bet?

And I'll break you, my fine fellow.

If you think that I'm going to, uh...

Well, I think, if you're busy, I'll return later.

Just a minute, Mr. Driftwood. We have some news for you.

To dispense with your services immediately.

Dispense with my services? Why, she hasn't even had them.

Iwarned you, Mr. Driftwood,

if you continued to associate with those men,

everything would be over between us.

And you've been associating with them.

How do you know? You couldn't find them.

You've disgraced me, and the entire opera company.

So, as Mrs. Claypool's new business manager

I must request you to get out and stay out.

You can't fire me without two weeks salary.

That's in section 10-a of my contract.

I find that you have overdrawn

your salary for the next six months.

Well, in that case, I'll take one week's salary.

You'll take nothing. Get out.

Well, if that's your best offer, I'll get out,

but I'm not making a nickel on it.

And as for you, Mrs. Claypool, I withdraw my offer of marriage.

And that goes for you, too.

The thanks I get for working my fingers to the bone.

- Alright, Otto. - Just a minute.

This car is for officials. Take the stairs.

- The stairs? - Yeah.

Driftwood: I can't walk all that distance.

I'm certainly glad I met you boys.

First you get me kicked out ofjob,

then you get me thrown out of my hotel,

and finally you push me off a park bench.

Well, there's one consolation. Nothing more can happen to me.

Hey! Get off of the grass.

Well, I was wrong.

People drink too much water, anyhow.

I'm certainly glad you came along.

The day you boys came in to my life,

I had a good job and was about to marry a rich widow.

Now, I can't even sit on the grass.

I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting here.

I tell ya, I'd like to think it over for a couple of days.

Where can I find you?

Don't worry. Wherever you are, you'll find us.

Oh, I'm sick of that. Let's meet somewhere else.

Well, at least I can get my bench back.

Don't feel so badly, riccardo.

Well, I can't feel very cheerful

about being such a hoodoo to you.

We all make things bad for you.

- What's the matter? - Hey.

What do you think, eh? Lassparri.

- He's get Rosa fired. - Lassparri?

Yes, he won't let her sing tonight.

Well, what do you know about that?

Well, we still all day to think of some plan.

And believe me, the way I think,

I think it's gonna take all day.

- Good evening, Tim. - Good evening, Mr. Gottlieb

- thank you, thank you. - You're welcome, sir.

Ah, just the man I want to see.

Gottlieb, these are the worst cigars I ever smoked.

Yes, and your ice isn't cold enough, either.

Get out of here, all of you. I shall send for the police.

I'll tell you what we came here for.

Yeah. We make you a proposition.

Oh, so you're willing to give yourselves up, are you?

Yes, if you let Rosa sing.

Well, I'm managing director, and Rosa does not sing.

But the rest of your proposition,

giving yourselves up, that rather appeals to me.

Give me police headquarters. Sergeant Henderson, please.

- Hello, toots. - Well...

What are you doing here? This is Mr. Gottlieb's box.

He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket.

And he couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes.

Hey shorty, will you toss up that Kelly?

Atta boy. Here. Here.

Get yourself a stogy.

Gottlieb: [Knocking] Open the door.

- Mrs. Claypool? - Yes.

He's disappeared. We can't find him anywhere.

You didn't look in the right place.

But the speech. He was to make a speech

before the curtain went up.

That's the cue. You'd better say something.

But I never made a speech in my life.

- Alright, I'll take care of it. - You?

I guess that takes in most of you.

Driftwood: This is the opening of a new opera season.

A season made possible by the

generous checks of Mrs. Claypool.

I'm sure the familiar strains of verdi's music

will come back to you tonight.

Will probably come back in the morning.

Tonight marks the American debut of Rodolfo lassparri.

Signor lassparri comes from a very famous family.

His mother was a well known bass singer.

And his father was the first man to stuff

spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda.

Thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.

And now, on with the opera. Letjoy be unconfined.

Let there be dancing in the streets,

drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

It's none of my business, but I think

there's a brace of woodpeckers in the orchestra.

Don't give up, boys. The cavalry is coming.

- Aha! - Mr. Gottlieb.

- I'll see you later. - What are you doing?

It's alright. It's just the Tarzan in me.

[Instrumental "take me out to the ball game"]

Peanuts! Peanuts! Get your fresh roasted peanuts, folks!

They're nice and hot! Get your peanuts!

Here you are, peanuts! Ah, peanuts, peanuts!

Ahh! There you are! You...

- Those clothes don't fit you. - Why you...

Hey, you're getting to be a good shot, tomasso.

The opera starts. Now we really go to work.

The curtain's up.

- They've started. - Now, don't worry.

Gottlieb: Someone open the door here!

Gottlieb: [Banging on door] Let me out of here!

Where are they? Where did they go?

- What? - “What?“ He asks me.

Did a couple of men come up here?

- What? - “What?“ All I get is “what?"

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

I want him put out of the opera house!

Yes, sir.

That's right. You go talk to him.

We know he's in the audience some place.

- Where's Mr. Gottlieb? - The other side of the stage.

Come on, boys.

What was that? High "c" or vitamin "d"?

What's the matter? What happened here?

Mr. Gottlieb! Here, give me a hand.

Where are those men? Did you catch them?

No, sir. I'm sorry. T... they're still out there.

I have an idea. Get me two gypsy costumes at once.

:\

I will not sing unless they are put off there.

Yes, sir.

Gottlieb: Stop! Don't you do...

Herr gottlieb! Lassparri, he's disappeared.

- Then we haven't even a tenor. - Mr. Gottlieb.

- You are barone. - That's who I am.

Get into a costume quickly.

- What? - I want you to sing...

But I have no reputation, Mr. Gottlieb.

Besides, I couldn't sing with a strange leonora.

You see, I've been rehearsing with miss castaldi.

- So that's it. - That's it exactly.

Alright. Get them two costumes at once. Quick.

- Darling. - Please, please.

After the opera. Please, go ahead. Get ready.

Hey, you hear that? That's real singing.

- Huh, so... - Is this the opera house?

Arrest those men, and this one, too!

Lassparri, where have you been?

Been? Do you know what they did to me?

I'll sing them an encore that they'll never forget.

Never in my life have I received such treatment.

They threw an apple at me.

Well, watermelons are out of season.

Rosa, barone, get out there quick.

No, no. I'm under arrest, Mr. Gottlieb.

If they're arrested, I ought to be, too.

I can't sing if I'm arrested.

Oh, you! You!

- What do we do? - We must have them.

They'll save the entire season.

- Well, what is it you want? - Well, I...

Just a minute. Let me handle this.

Alright! Only, quick, quick! What do you want?

First, call off that police dog.

- Huh? - Alright, anything, anything.

Just a minute. These men are in this country

under false pretenses, and I'm going to do my duty.

Besides, they came over here with Mr. Driftwood.

Mr. Driftwood is an employee of the opera company.

- Since when? - Since barone started singing.

Wait till I get a hold of guy that runs elevator.

Alright, anything. Please, go out and sing, please.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. - Please.

Before he sings, you gotta sign a contract,

and I get 10 percent.

Yes, and I get 10 percent, too.

:\

"the party of the 10th part..."

- No! No. - No?

"The party of the 11th part..."

- No! No. - No?