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Ripped By mstoll
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Day one.
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Our sisters in suffrage
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have gone on hunger strike.
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I have determined to join them
in this valiant action.
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Already my mind
is beset by hallucinations.
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Where once I gave a bun scant attention,
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now it haunts my every thought.
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I dreamt last night
I was queen of a land of buns,
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my consort, Osbert, a giant bun
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with buns for cheeks, a bun nose, and...
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small bun teeth.
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00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:07,430
Oh, how the mind maddens
as the body weakens!
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Oh, Margaret, what are you
doing sitting here in the dark?
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Oh. Eva, Myrtle!
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I was just writing my account
of our hunger strike
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in support of women's suffrage.
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Of course you were.
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It will be published
in the parish newsletter!
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Imagine how many people
will read of our suffrage starvathon!
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About ten.
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15 at a push.
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I'm all prepared for our hunger strike.
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How long have you been starving for?
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Ah, well, um, I meant to begin yesterday,
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only we had a dinner engagement
that we couldn't cancel,
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so I resolved in earnest
to begin this morning,
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only Cook hadn't been told,
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so I felt obliged to finish
the breakfast kedgeree,
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and Osbert's sausage
would have gone to waste.
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So, um, in all... just over an hour.
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Well, don't worry. I brought
some of my little ones' leftovers
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from their elevenses
in case we got hungry.
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Yes, well, but that is rather the point,
Eva!
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What is?
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Well, being hungry
as a weapon of passive persuasion.
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And you can't do that on an empty stomach!
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But we meant to starve together.
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I'm sure your ladies in prison
sneak a little cake when no-one's looking.
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I fasted for a whole month during Ramadan
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when I was a guest
of the Sultan of Egypt and Sudan.
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Of course, when the sun went down,
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we couldn't get enough
of feasting and hookahs.
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Oh, Margaret, won't you even
have a finger sandwich?
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Here, look, take out the ham.
Make it even thinner.
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Erm...
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A morsel
thoughtlessly sneaks past my lips. I...
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A mere butter sandwich,
hardly an actual food,
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yet still I feel a creeping cramp
of guilt.
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00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,834
Might just be the rumble-tums, of course.
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Oh, quick Someone's coming!
Put the food away!
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Good day, fellow activistes.
How goes the fast?
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Very well.
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Ha! Well done, you,
for remembering, Thomas!
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Yes, I started two days ago, as we agreed.
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And as you can see,
I have made this "aide starvoire".
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Yes, I am calling it
the "Calendulator of Famish".
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How does it work?
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Well, I simply enquire
as to your level of hunger
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and then I mark the chart appropriately.
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Yes, I've categorised the stages
of human hunger. From "Replete"
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through "Peckish", I could eat
all the way up to at "Death's Door".
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I, for example,
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having fasted for two days now
am "Famished", almost "Starving".
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Um, I would say I was... almost "Hungry".
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- I "Could Eat"?"
- Yes, why not?
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Put me down as "Replete".
I like the sound of that.
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What about you, Myrtle?
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"Eat a Horse"!
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Always.
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How do? Sorry I'm late.
Pargeter's cheese shop on the high street
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was having a closing-down sale.
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Oh, did you get anything?
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Yes.
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Oh, my goodness, Gwen!
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Is that all cheese?
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Yes, Margaret. There was quite a scrum!
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Yes, so I got, erm,
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Stilton,
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er, Dovedale,
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Blacksticks Blue, Banbury Bog!
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Oooh!
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Best handle that one Caerphilly, Gwen!
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Very good, Master Thomas!
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I don't get it.
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Red Leicester.
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Double Gloucester.
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Derby. Worcester.
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Hereford.
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Cheshire.
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That's just the hard cheese.
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The, er, the Leaning Tower of Cheese-a!
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Oh!
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Very good, Master Thomas!
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I don't get it.
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Only, Gwen, we are, somewhat,
on hunger strike.
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Oh, I clean forgot!
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I'm so sorry, Margaret!
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Oh, what'll I do? The...
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00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,315
Well, these softer ones won't keep.
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Oh, don't worry, Gwen.
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00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,834
Perhaps I could do
something suffrage-y with them.
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00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,155
Perhaps mould them into a bust of, erm...
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Millicent Fawcett?
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Yes.
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I must say, all this cheese chat
is becoming rather... grating.
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I Camembert it any longer!
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00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,551
Very good, Master Thomas!
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I don't get it.
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I must be delirious with hunger.
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Would it be ever so against the rules
if I was just to munch a crumb of Stilton?
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I for one can't be near a cheese
and not eat it.
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Just a taste!
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Oh, does cheese even count as food
when it's not between bread?
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Yes, yes, I-I fear it does,
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cheese being technically an edible solid.
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Yes, yes, of course, of course!
We must be strong for suffrage!
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Put the cheese away, Gwen.
Put the cheese away.
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Oh, I am to blame!
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Oh, I'm like Satan in the wilderness,
tempting Our Lord.
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Cheesus Christ?
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Oh, very good, Master Thomas.
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I still don't get it.
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I'll just pop them under the bell-end
in the kitchen for now.
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The bell what, Gwen?
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The bell-end.
You know, the cheesy bell-end?
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Do you mean the cheese bell jar?
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Do I?
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I do, yes.
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Feeling strangely full.
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Perhaps I have reached
that physical plateau of starvation,
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where the body, denied sustenance,
begins to eat itself...
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Aaargh!
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Emily, whatever's the matter?
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Mother!
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Not content with trying to palm me off
on the spoon-maker's son,
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now plans to marry me
to the spoon-maker's second son.
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But isn't that bigamy?
Or whatever it's called with men?
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Bigmeny? Twomeny?
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I am not a commodity
to be bought and sold!
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I will be married for love,
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to one who is not too shy
to requite that love.
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Is it Jonty Smuth?
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Bertie Smuth. Jonty Smuth was secretly
married to an actress last month
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and disinherited for it.
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Oh, dear. And is this Bertie nice?
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I don't know! And I don't care.
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He probably thinks that
women shouldn't read or drive
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or weld or hunger-strike.
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Well, I shall refuse him!
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What will you do, Emily?
Will you elope to the Polynesian islands?
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No. I shall hide in the kitchen.
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Oh, gosh!
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How could Helen expect Emily
to marry a man she's never met?
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Well, I didn't know my Charlie
when we married.
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And now you can hardly tell we've got
nothing in common except 14 children.
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But Emily loves...
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Thomas...
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...please know we are your allies
in this endeavour.
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The hunger strike? Yes, yes.
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No, I'm talking of a certain young lady.
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Oh! Oh.
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Be brave. Love's highway is never smooth.
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The tarmacadam is full of holes
and highwaymen lurk at every bend.
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You have such a way with metaphor.
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Yes, I find it invaluable
for conveying meaning
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without having to make it at all clear
what it is I'm saying.
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Yes.
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Yes. Yes, so if, I, for example...
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- Yes.
...had something to tell someone...
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Yes!
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You might talk about something else
as if it that were the thing
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that you were talking about
and not the actual thing at all.
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00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,590
What are you telling the boy?
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00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,949
Do you want Thomas to stay a eunuch...
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...while Emily is being spooned rigid
by Bertie Smuth?!
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I am merely advocating subtlety.
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Well, the romance of words can satisfy
the soul until the body is... prone.
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00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:08,318
Thomas, there is nothing noble about
letting your grapes wither on the vine...
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00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,877
...whilst everyone else's
are getting a regular pressing.
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00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,031
Go in and tell her!
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In a roundabout way.
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00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,110
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Don't listen to Margaret.
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Go in and tell Emily exactly how you feel.
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I could poultice it down
and make it into a chest rub for Mother.
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Have you heard, Gwen? I'm to be married.
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Oh, congratulations!
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Oh, I never thought you'd have it in you
to ask, Master Thomas!
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- He didn't.
- Oh, dear. I am sorry.
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00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,792
Oh, look out! Banbury Bog alert!
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00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,872
Oh, best put this honker somewhere safe.
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To, um, to shield your nostrils
from the pong.
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00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,317
What about your nostrils?
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00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,918
They can endure.
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00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,390
In truth, they would suffer
the seven sulphurs of hell
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00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,998
to protect that which they... cherish.
197
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,157
Yes. And whom do your nostrils cherish?
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00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,033
Oh, Miss Emily,
they are but simple nostrils,
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00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,436
neither wealthy, nor ambitious, but
they would gladly give all they have...
200
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,313
Yes. But to whom
would your nostrils give all that?
201
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,157
Emily, I confess I'm not really
talking of my nostrils.
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00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:23,996
I know.
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00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:26,869
When I say "nostrils" I mean...
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00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,751
- Yes?!
- I mean...
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00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:29,949
I'm here! I'm here!
206
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,992
- Oh!
- I have great news!
207
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,077
- Where is Emily?
- She's with Thomas in the kitchen.
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00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,439
What?!
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00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,835
- Helen, might you not listen...
- No!
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00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:40,995
Emily!
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00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,473
Why is this door locked?
212
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,033
I am not coming out.
213
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,311
I refuse to be bartered
like a side of beef!
214
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,270
Bertie Smuth is the most eligible
bachelor in the Northeast,
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00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,710
now heir to the Smuth
spoon-manufacturing empire.
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00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,149
He's quite the finest match
a Bute girl could make.
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00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,272
He is no... poodle-faking wrist-flop.
218
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,432
I shall not move an inch.
219
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,153
I should rather die
than marry your horrible spoon tycoon.
220
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,428
Enough of this nonsense.
221
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,118
Thomas, come out at once!
222
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,029
As for you, young lady...
223
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:19,709
Emily! Emily! Open this hatch at once!
224
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:27,356
I blame your woman-y politicking
and high ideals-ing.
225
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,517
A young girl of society
should be concerned with hemlines,
226
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,471
table mats and the cost of iron ore,
227
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,988
not... wasting her youth
changing the world.
228
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,677
Emily simply wishes for a love match.
229
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,997
She is, after all,
a beacon of the new generation,
230
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:51,716
one who refuses to be passed
like chattel from father to spouse.
231
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,638
And can she not, through our efforts
at the coalface of suffragism,
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00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,911
exercise free will in love
as in all things?
233
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,439
No.
234
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,278
Remember whom you are addressing.
235
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:07,917
Helen - the only woman to have
insisted on not marrying for love.
236
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,349
Yes. I made it quite clear to Laurence
237
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,868
that when I used the word "love"
in the wedding vows,
238
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,229
he should mentally replace it with "like".
239
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:21,312
I wonder what
he mentally replaces it with now?
240
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,990
Emily, you have exactly
one English minute to come out.
241
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,679
One Mrs Beaton, two Mrs Beaton,
242
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,756
three Mrs Beaton, four Mrs Beaton...
243
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,995
Do not be downhearted, Thomas.
244
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:39,238
Though your ship of love is in peril
on the high seas
245
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,350
I shall tether you to the mast...
246
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,436
...seize the rudder and steer you into...
247
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:45,708
Oh! My goodness!
248
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,435
Good afternoon.
249
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,913
Oh, it is now!
250
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,790
Please, forgive the interruption.
I was looking for the ladies Bute?
251
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,035
My name is Smuth, Bertie Smuth.
252
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,072
Oh, Master Bertie! I am Helen Bute.
253
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,315
How intrepid of you to find us.
254
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,871
Yes, I am Smuth the sleuth.
255
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,957
I followed a trail of broken twigs
and disturbed leaves
256
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,399
and the scent of...
257
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:14,793
...heliotrope?
258
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:16,995
That is my perfume!
259
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,470
And I asked the stationmaster
if he knew where you were.
260
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:22,868
Oh, you!
261
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,279
Come. Hang your coat
262
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,709
Why look at that!
263
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,512
It's rather like Emily's.
264
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:33,235
Ah, then she must be a young lady
of enormously good taste.
265
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,676
Come, meet us all.
266
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,790
This is my mother... I'm afraid
267
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,952
I know. We look like sisters.
268
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,399
An honour and a pleasure.
269
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:45,953
- Of course it is.
- Thank you, Mother.
270
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,116
And this is Mrs Eva Moore
271
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,593
of the Cotswold Moores.
272
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,393
Oh, forgive my looking like a pudding.
273
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,273
I'm normally much slimmer
and even prettier.
274
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,197
No! You are a vision!
275
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,152
Da Vinci's Madonna And Child.
A sfumato beauty.
276
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,758
Oh, Master Bertie!
277
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,473
Stop trying to turn my head
with fancy French talk.
278
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,033
Italian.
279
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,115
I'm Margaret Unwin.
280
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,630
Oh! Hello up there! You are so tall!
281
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,910
And buongiorno to you down there!
282
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,632
Will you take tea with us? Please.
283
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,318
I should love to.
284
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,954
- What-ho! Smuth. Bertie Smuth.
- Thomas Grisham.
285
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,479
Agh!
286
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,273
Sorry! Did I, er, squish your hand?
287
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,595
No. Ganglions.
288
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,392
I am a brute! Oh!
289
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,590
Curse these beastly paws!
290
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:31,709
Arghh!
291
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,038
I rather hoped I might meet Miss Emily.
Is she not here?
292
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,436
Yes, she's in the kitchen.
She's very domesticated
293
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,549
And also very learned.
294
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,397
And she's nearly as pretty as me.
295
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:44,793
But you can see for yourself.
296
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,319
Don't tell him I'm in here.
297
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,998
What? Who? Why?
298
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,749
Mind your head on the lintel,
what with your astonishing tallness.
299
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,074
Thanks awfully.
300
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,189
Whoop.
301
00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:01,395
A-ha! Here she is!
Vesta, goddess of the hearth!
302
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,429
Ooh!
303
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,439
Ooh, hello! Sorry, but I'm not Vesta.
304
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,756
Then you are Hygeia,
goddess of cleanliness and health!
305
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,472
Oh, no, I'm not!
306
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,756
I know. You are Emily, of course.
307
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,109
- Bertie Smuth at your service.
- Oh.
308
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,037
Er...
309
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,196
Oh, what-what a funny mistake!
310
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,798
How could I be Emily?
311
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,193
She's there, under the table.
312
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:29,309
Gwen!
313
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,470
Ah, the table! She speaks!
314
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,272
No, no, that was... that was Emily.
315
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,309
I...
316
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,038
...am Emily Bute.
317
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,072
Ah! A confusion worthy of Miss Austen.
318
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,873
Bertie Smuth at your service.
319
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,672
You read Jane Austen?
320
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,632
I do! But, er, please, don't tell anyone
321
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,558
or you'll ruin my reputation
as a terrible rogue.
322
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,831
Oh, Master Bertie,
you could never be a terrible rogue!
323
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,075
Oh, you're far too smartly turned out.
324
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,317
What? That will not do.
I shall have to rough myself up.
325
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,358
Raargh!
326
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,358
See! An utter ruffian!
327
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,799
Oooh, help!
328
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:18,034
I knew they'd be a perfect match.
My instincts are never wrong.
329
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,355
Other than always.
330
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,950
Don't be downhearted.
331
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,479
No, no.
332
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:29,274
He may be dashing
and altogether wonderful in every way...
333
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,674
...but I don't think
he would make Emily happy.
334
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,439
- No?
- Enough virginal blushing.
335
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,710
You must set to seducing Emily.
336
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,478
Mrs Von Heckling, I cannot.
337
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,318
I cannot even speak. My mouth parches,
my tongue turns to rubber.
338
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:44,713
Then write.
339
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:49,914
The written word can stir a girl's desire
every bit as much as a sensual whisper.
340
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,315
Yes. Perhaps something from
1 Corinthians, chapter 13...
341
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,634
Oh!
342
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,478
I confess, I have written a poem...
343
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,431
loaded with my deepest yearnings.
344
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,516
Oh! Good for you!
345
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,432
Now's your chance, Thomas. Go!
346
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,792
Oh, isn't Master Bertie
the most amusing young gentleman
347
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,114
we have ever, ever met?!
348
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,628
And he was in
the Gilbert & Sullivan Society.
349
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:14,954
He has a very fine falsetto.
350
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,911
You're too kind!
351
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:19,755
Shall I be Mother?
352
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,076
Oh, no, no, no. Let Gwen.
353
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,509
Oh, yes,
you are our most estimated guest.
354
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,279
Well, at least I can be chair monitor.
Thomas, will you sit?
355
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,673
I shall fetch another.
356
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,792
Thank you, Emily.
357
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,353
- An orange pekoe, I believe?
- Yes!
358
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,469
How did you know?
359
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,069
I could taste a pekoe at 20 paces
with a clothes peg on my nose.
360
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,471
I'm so sorry,
I've only brought two ginger snaps.
361
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:58,953
We're all on hungry strike,
362
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,798
otherwise I might have offered you
a poppy-seed nibble,
363
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,150
or a rosemary fancy,
or perhaps even a plate of frilled ham,
364
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:09,910
or a buttered finger sandwich with
gentlemen's relish and a sprig of cress.
365
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,872
Oh, stop, Gwen! You're tormenting us!
366
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,512
Perhaps the tea will slake the void.
367
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,757
Oh, tea's not the same
without a biscuit to bolster it.
368
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,076
Yes, remember, Eva,
we are starving for suffrage.
369
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,269
I'm not.
370
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,515
Mmm!
371
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,713
Admirable, but, ladies,
such unbearable privations...
372
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:36,197
I know. And we have a ripe Easington Log
that badly wants eating in the kitchen.
373
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,753
Ahem.
374
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,950
But Thomas says we're not allowed.
375
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,672
Yes, Thomas says we're not allowed.
376
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,473
Surely cheese is merely
a hardened form of milk,
377
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:45,873
therefore hardly a foodstuff?
378
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,639
Oh, Master Bertie, you're so clever!
379
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:53,874
Was there ever a happier sound
than that of ladies nibbling cheese?
380
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,835
Master Bertie, shall I fetch us some?
381
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,871
Yes, cheese!
382
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,799
Oh, very good, Master Bertie.
383
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,399
I get it!
384
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,232
Cheese! Oh!
385
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,957
This hungry-striking is much easier
than they make it sound.
386
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,594
All right, Gwen, but, um, but no crackers.
387
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,676
My father sends his regards.
388
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:23,994
Oh, how is dear Habakkuk?
389
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,474
Quite well. His new bowl-casting device
390
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,751
has increased output from
300 to 700 spoons per day.
391
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,156
Oh. Well, people will always need spoons!
392
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,436
If you'll excuse me,
I might take this moment to step out.
393
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,550
Thomas, would you care to join me
for a cigarette?
394
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,589
No, thank you, I don't.
395
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,551
Such a masculine habit.
396
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,636
Laurence smoked in his youth.
397
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,831
It was one of the many qualities
I admired,
398
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:52,078
the others being punctuality,
solvency and a thick neck.
399
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,079
I look forward to making
Mr Bute's acquaintance.
400
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,556
Oh, rest assured Laurence approves
wholeheartedly of the match.
401
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,556
He is drawing up contracts as we speak.
402
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,749
Mother!
403
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,190
Well, pending the formality of a proposal,
404
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,470
the conclusion is quite foregone,
is it not?
405
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,192
How very romantic
406
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,993
We shall have much to discuss
when I return. Excuse me.
407
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,636
"Yes, cheese"! "Yes, cheese"!
408
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:28,714
Are you unwell, Thomas?
409
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,752
No... Oh, Mrs Unwin,
I have written a poem for Emily.
410
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,916
- Oh!
- But I fear Bertie has discovered it.
411
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,188
Oh...
412
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,958
No, this is good!
413
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:41,232
Now Bertie will know your true feelings
and leave off Emily.
414
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:46,236
Thomas, might I have a word in private,
please?
415
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,793
He means to fight me for Emily!
416
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,150
Oh, dear. He is an athlete, you are not.
417
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:57,478
Oh, Thomas, if you love something
very much, let it go.
418
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,349
For goodness' sake, be a man!
419
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,198
- Tell him you stand by every word!
- Yes...
420
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,958
Or I could just stay here.
421
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,359
Thomas...
422
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,914
I found your outpouring in my pocket.
423
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,155
I stand by every word.
424
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,395
You brazen fool!
425
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,271
Perhaps I am a fool.
426
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,834
But I should rather be a fool for love
than for any other thing
427
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,154
that makes one be a fool for it.
428
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,111
You realise
you could go to gaol for this?!
429
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,559
Really? Why?
430
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:33,794
Well...
431
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,070
If love is a crime, then lock me up
432
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,554
and throw away the key
for I am guilty, m'lud, on all counts!
433
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:39,999
You outrageous lunatic!
434
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,680
Bertie will pulverise Thomas!
We must intervene.
435
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,280
Wait, wait! I wouldn't be so sure.
436
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,356
You would take violent advantage
of a man half-starved?
437
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,753
I am wholly starved!
438
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:53,236
But your words, Thomas,
have filled my belly with their fire!
439
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,353
"A garden of buds
stiffen with proud beauty.
440
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,231
"I wander through the swaying stems.
441
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,078
"One little head catches my eye.
442
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,315
"Would I could give you that head
443
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,157
"That you may smell yourself."
444
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,157
Oh, Thomas!
445
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,553
Thomas...
446
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:13,835
Thomas?
447
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,758
Is that a wrestling manoeuvre?
448
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,592
I knew it!
449
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,313
Margaret, he's a Mary-Ann!
450
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,238
Who's Mary-Ann?
451
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,635
- Does Bertie have another lady friend?
- Oh...
452
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:28,874
Thomas!
453
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,797
Thomas!
454
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,355
Oh! Ah, the boy fainted and I caught him.
455
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:35,469
Please, that is a private doodle.
456
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:40,799
Oh, look! Thomas forgot to dedicate
his poem to Emily.
457
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,512
Emily?
458
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,278
Yes, poor Thomas was so lovelorn,
459
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,437
he thought a romantic ode
might help him win her back.
460
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,232
So the poem was not meant for...
461
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,508
Oh!
462
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:54,515
Thomas?
463
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,109
Oh... Don't judge him too harshly.
He's a fragile soul.
464
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,196
But Emily does not return his affection?
465
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,119
Well, she does when her head's not
turned by someone altogether more...
466
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,878
tall and astonishing.
467
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,751
Yes. Well.
468
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,314
I suppose the wheels of betrothal
are in motion.
469
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,351
Who are we to defy the Bute-Smuth merger?
470
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:17,110
Please don't throw your life away
on useless notions of honour and duty.
471
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,277
No good will come of a loveless marriage.
Look at Margaret.
472
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:27,309
Would you rather gorge
ripe plums in the sunshine
473
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:30,909
or slurp briny oysters in the rain?
474
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,393
Oh...
475
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,429
Can one not have both?
476
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,549
Can one?
477
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,750
Well, maybe not in the same sitting.
478
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:41,112
But, Mrs Von Heckling,
how the law despises lovers of plums!
479
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,799
Oh, I don't think there's anything
in the statutes about plums.
480
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:44,829
I could be wrong.
481
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,793
I know a place where young men
are free to eat
482
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,239
all fruits...
483
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,192
to go about open-shirted,
484
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,596
trousers rolled up, feet quite bare.
485
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,517
The sun
486
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,552
blanches the soft, downy hair
487
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,229
of their muscular, brown bodies,
488
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:09,592
and hot nights are filled with
the Ars Amatoria.
489
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,437
Oh, Ovid!
490
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:15,996
It is a place of people
neither here nor there,
491
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,632
but somewhere in-between.
492
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,079
Northampton?
493
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,639
Cefalù!
494
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,875
On the island of Sicily.
495
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,480
I have a friend there - Mr Crowley -
496
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,238
a Uranian aesthete,
497
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:33,717
who can take you
and coax you to full expression.
498
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:34,795
I...
499
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:35,829
I wish...
500
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,394
Oh, no, don't wish! Go!
501
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,873
Live!
502
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:44,311
Here, take this book
as a token of introduction.
503
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:47,955
I keep a copy with me always!
504
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,071
Oh!
505
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,189
Oh!
506
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,917
Cefalù, you say?
507
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,235
Mama always said I should travel.
508
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,113
The grand tour can last a lifetime,
you know?
509
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,674
I should explain to Mrs Bute...
510
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,073
Oh, we'll handle Helen.
511
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,997
Right. Wonderful. Er...
512
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,473
I mean, it's for the best, isn't it?
513
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:09,839
Goodbye, Bertie.
514
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,836
Thank you.
515
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,314
Thank you! And... bye-ee!
516
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:15,759
Bye-ee!
517
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,390
Oh!
518
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,795
- Myrtle?
- Yes?
519
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,196
You may not understand,
and forgive me if I shock you,
520
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,959
but I think that Bertie...
521
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,389
might be a touch homosexual.
522
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:32,669
Oh...
523
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,188
Yes, I know, I know.
It's shocking, isn't it? But...
524
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:40,194
...who are we to condemn love,
be it man for man or woman for woman?
525
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,719
Or woman for many men?
526
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,399
Yes, quite.
527
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,317
Well, what are we going to tell
poor Emily?
528
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,751
You can wear my old wedding dress.
529
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,631
Ah, what's this?
530
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:56,037
Young Thomas, having challenged Bertie
to fight for Emily's hand,
531
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,469
has soundly beaten young Smuth.
532
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,476
- What?!
- No! Is Bertie hurt?!
533
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,795
Er, er, no, he ran away.
534
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,400
He couldn't match such mortal passion.
535
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,158
Erm, he said to say, erm,
536
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,553
sorry and bye-ee!
537
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,797
What shall become of Emily?
538
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,195
Do you think the Smuths are made of sons?
539
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,798
What's this?
540
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,751
Emily's brave protector.
541
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,359
Yes, he fainted clean away
542
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,358
from the exertion of fisticuffs
on an empty stomach!
543
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:26,628
Thomas!
544
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:29,757
Poor Thomas!
545
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,711
Wait... I know!
546
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,515
- What have you done, Mother?
- I?!
547
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,869
Bertie? Bertie Smuth? Come back!
548
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:45,516
Of course, the Banbury Bog!
Oh! That would wake the dead!
549
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,591
- He's alive!
- Oh, Thomas! I thought I'd lost you.
550
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,631
I remember... Bertie Smuth...
551
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,875
holding me in his arms.
552
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,717
He smelled of... hyacinths.
553
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,877
Yes, he's hallucinating.
Apply more Bog, Emily.
554
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,195
Oh! Emily... Miss Emily...
555
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,798
Oh, Thomas, I'm so sorry.
556
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,512
It's just Bertie
was so strong and brilliant
557
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,391
and you so flimsy and mewling.
558
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,035
But now that you've made him go, I...
559
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,115
I'm glad!
560
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,071
Oh, do you mean that?
561
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:15,394
- Yes.
- Do you really?
562
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:16,919
I did just say so.
563
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:22,309
Miss Emily, you must know I...
I do so love...
564
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:23,713
Yes?
565
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:25,591
I do love...
566
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,518
- Yes?
- I do so love...
567
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,039
cheese.
568
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,157
I love cheese, too, Thomas.
569
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,189
Very much.
570
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:37,755
Aw!
571
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,588
Bertie Smuth has entirely gone!
572
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:42,868
How very queer!
573
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:53,878
As our first hunger strike casualty
recovers,
574
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,276
I reflect on the hardships of self-denial.
575
00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:01,154
I have only had a small taste
of the suffragettes' privations,
576
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,555
but it has brought me close to our cause
577
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,559
and taught me that in desires
of the heart, mind and stomach,
578
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,273
we are all created equal.
579
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,151
A woman or man may want...
580
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,315
Cheese, Margaret?
581
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:14,634
Oh, yes, please, Gwen!
582
00:28:40,500 --> 00:28:48,500
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