All language subtitles for Only Murders in the Building - 4x03 - Two for the Road.WEB.SuccessfulCrab.en

[Mabel Mora] They wanna make
a movie of our podcast?

Paramount?

[Charles-Haden Savage]
They wanna fly us all out to LA

for some meeting next week.

- [Mabel] I'm Eva Longoria.
- [Charles] I'm Eugene Levy?

- [Oliver Putnam] I'm...
- [Bev Melon] Oliver, this is Zach Galifi...

Oh, yes! Zach Galifragilistic.

I'm out. I'm done.

Are we sure that the killer was
after Ben, and not you, Charles?

[chuckles] What?

I've been gettin' some vibes.

I also have my ham radio,

and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.

[Charles] It's been a week,
and Sazz's Bulgarian left shoulder

and knee are still in that incinerator.

- [clothes rustle]
- Hello, Charles.

[wheezing screams]

I broke out
because I'm worried about Sazz.

She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.

[Charles] She was looking
into someone who lives here?

[Jan Bellows] She said she thought there
might be another murderer in the building.

[Charles] The Westies.

[Mabel] We've met everybody
except for Christmas Guy

and whoever's in that place
with the lockbox on it?

- Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
- [kicks leg]

- Dudenoff?
- [beeping, clicks]

Oh, goody. It works.

♪

This must be the sniper's nest.

- A ham radio.
- Is this tinsel?

Oliver! He's so cute.

- Oh! The pig's loose!
- [squealing]

We worked together almost 40 years.

We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene.

Did she write a message with her blood?

And then Sazz would say...

- Tap in.
- ..."Tap in."

[Mabel]
Charles, do you know what that means?

Yes. I do.

[♪ jaunty string music playing]

[Zach Galifianakis] I once had
an acting teacher who said,

"Finding your character is a lot
like a detective finding a killer."

His thinking went
you build this character piece by piece.

What are their physical qualities?

Their skills or special talents?

Their motivations?

♪

You keep doing that,
asking and answering a million questions,

until there's only one person

in the whole world
who fits that description.

[♪ slow dramatic music playing]

Your character.

Anyway, that's obviously bullshit.

As a proud Greek man,
presumably descended from Thespis himself,

trust me when I say

acting is easy.

[pounding on door]

Close the door.

Alright, so I'm gonna
say this really quick

'cause I'm not supposed to be here.
It's not even public yet.

And I really need you guys to know
that at the end of the day...

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Detective, are you helping us right now?

Come on, cut that shit out!

Just stay focused.
I'm trying to talk to you.

Do you like us? She totally likes us.

If she ever did, she doesn't now.

Thank you, Mora.
The feds are now on the case.

They don't want me involved, that's fine.
But the least I can do

is feed you idiots
some useful information. So...

- She likes us.
- She totally likes us.

Can I just talk, please?

I wanna do a little cop
monologue right now, okay?

Let's all just pretend
we're on Law & Order,

and I'm Olivia Benson.
Can I have my moment?

- Yes, absolutely.
- Of course. Or Aristotle Brazzos.

I... I don't... I don't know what that is.

- [Oliver snickers]
- So,

the feds think that Jan
has something to do with this.

Now, of course, she hadn't escaped yet,
but they're thinking she hired someone,

and they're suspecting
that she's gone to Florida

because there's a shit ton of
orchestras and sex toy shops.

The shooter, very good.

A single .300 Win Mag casing was found

in the West Tower in apartment 14F,

belonging to a tenant
by the name of M. Dudenoff,

retired professor,

who the neighbors are conveniently saying

he's not in town. He's in Portugal.

Well, that's suspicious.

Exactly. That's what I said, Mora.
That's really fucking suspicious

'cause who in the absolute fuck
would wanna go to Portugal

when you got Spain? Right?

I digress.

Neighbors are busy playing card games
when they hear the gunshot,

except for one tenant.

Rudy Thurber.

He's like some
Christmas freak or something.

You know the types who are like,
"Oh, my God,

it's 364 sleeps until Christmas."
That kinda guy.

What is key to note,

Sazz's phone has been turned off,

but we are reviewing
the CCTV in that area.

Alright, that's my whole thing. So now,

please feel free to ask
what other questions you have.

You really don't know Aristotle Brazzos?

I just did all of that,
and that's all you got?

Well, i-it doesn't matter.
The feds... feds have it wrong.

Jan didn't kill Sazz.
You have to trust me on that.

I do. I just...

I don't know if Sazz was the target.

[♪ soft dramatic music playing]

W-Well, be honest.
Do you think someone over there

could hate me enough to try and kill me?

Don't make her answer that.

Look, if this is the part
where you tell us not to investigate,

you're wasting your time.

Yeah, I know.
After three seasons, I got that.

Well, even if I was the target,

I still have to solve this for Sazz.

I'm tapping in.

[Detective Donna Williams]
What are you even talking about?

This is serious shit here now! Focus...

Oh, my God!

[Eugene Levy] Well...

I guess this sends the investigation
into a...

whole new direction.

That's Aristotle Brazzos. From Brazzos.
The show I was on.

[♪ lively theme song playing]

[♪ vocalizing]

[♪ theme song fades out]

[♪ curious music playing]

Well, hello, Hollywood A-listers!

What are you doing here?
I promise I won't leak it to the trades.

We celebrities value our privacy.

The Brothers Sisters thought it'd be
a good idea if we followed you for a day.

You know, do a character study.

I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2.

I shadowed a baby. Yeah.

And we still text every day.

Oh, I love it.

Zach! You want to come learn
more about Oliver Putnam?

Study at the foot of the master?

That's right. So much to learn.

Definitely didn't take this job
just thinking it would be easy money.

Now, personally,
I was pushing for one more day,

just a little more time
to take a deep dive

into this complex man.

Eugene, you realize
you're playing Charles, right?

[Eva Longoria] Hey, twin.

[laughs] I've been practicing my Mabel.

Uh, look, n-now's not a good time.

There's been another murder.

[gasps] Yay! Oh!

Forget the character study.
We're gonna solve a murder today?

- Oh, I'm gonna get us some snacks.
- [Mabel] Not you.

[sighs]

Galifianakis?

That scrumptious fuckable baklava

is portraying you in a movie?

Oh no, that is all wrong.
That's so messed up!

I didn't realize you were on
a Mediterranean diet, Detective.

- Would you like me to make an intro?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not ready, I'm not ready. But,

if anything happens to
that delicious little man,

I'll kill you myself.

- [Oliver whimpers]
- Don't fuck with my Zach pass.

Obviously, the actors can't stay.

No! This is a murder investigation,

not some acting exercise for Eva Longoria.

- Charles is still in danger.
- Yeah, bu... just hear me out.

You get one shot at a biopic.

Maybe two if you're someone special
like Marilyn Monroe

or Jeffrey Dahmer,

and the first 24 hours of character study
are the most crucial.

I need Zach Galifianakis to fall in love
with his character today.

- [coughs]
- [nuts clatter]

Okay, well you've been outvoted.

Charles, you get it.
You were an actor once.

Don't you want Eugene Levy
to learn the real you?

Me? The unlikeable guy
that everyone wants to kill?

No, thanks. And my ego isn't so delicate

that I need random validation

from a... Emmy award-winning actor.

[Eugene] Charles?

The History of Wood?

Looks and brains?

Eugene, you have big shoes to fill.

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- You know,

- maybe the actors could be helpful.
- [laughs] Yes!

What?

♪

- [blinds rattle]
- [people chattering down below]

[Eva] We stare at boxes,

wondering what it must feel like
to have an apartment of our own.

A feeling of permanence
for once in our life.

What? No.

- And stop saying "we."
- [Eva] Hmm.

That's where the shot was fired,

and anyone on that floor could've used
the code to get in.

[slurping] Mm...

I'm sorry, are you drinking
at 10 in the morning?

Yeah, I'm getting into character.

I don't drink at 10 in the morning.

No, my Mabel does.

- She's a tableau of vices.
- [Charles] Alright.

Williams said the bullet was
a Winchester .300 Magnum.

Developed in the '60s, it remains the most
popular cartridge among hunters.

I learned that on Brazzos.

I know, I know. Episode 403,

A Lady and Her Luger.

So, our killer is a hunter.

[record button beeps]

Little did they know that the hunter

was about to become the hunted.

- Zach, are you getting this?
- [Zach] Oh yeah.

Say a hacky joke every couple of minutes,

- something, something, Zsa Zsa Gabor.
- [awkward laugh]

- Lotta nuance.
- Y-You certainly have my wit.

How could anyone hate this American icon
enough to wanna try and kill him?

It boggles the mind.

Oh, it's really quite simple.
If you ever saw him consume

a plate of peel-and-eat shrimp,
you'd get it.

[Charles] A bullet that size
would have a bit of kick.

So, is that eye patch covering
antibiotic-resistant pink eye

- or a bruise from the recoil of a gun?
- [♪ jaunty music playing]

Okay, well, I've heard enough. [laughs]

We have our killer!

My Mabel's confident.

Okay, uh, please don't ever
touch my murder board.

We met Vince. There's no way
he's strong enough to carry Sazz's body.

Rudy Thurber, on the other hand,

"Christmas All the Time Guy,"
he's pretty jacked.

- Mm-hmm, I've heard enough.
- [puts glass down]

We have our killer.

My Mabel can admit when she's wrong.

Charles, does this man
have any reason to hate you?

No!

Well, maybe the Christmas tree thing.

I got everyone to sign a petition
banning real Christmas trees.

- [Oliver sighs]
- They're a fire hazard.

They are that.

But who would kill someone
over something like that?

Someone whose whole
identity is loving Christmas.

Okay, but he was out of town
the night Sazz was killed.

Or was he? We found this

by the window at Dudenoff's.

It kind of looks like Christmas tinsel.

That could place Rudy here
that night after all.

Yes! Yes.

- Killer!
- Again with the touching.

"Ooh! Looks like Rudy the Red Hot Reindeer
has been caught red-handed!"

Something, something, Bea Arthur.

[weak laugh]

I still vote Vince Fish.

[texting]

Why choose? We can divide and conquer.

Uh, you and Eugene go and see Vince,

and Mabel and Eva visit Rudy.

Alright! I'm gonna go fire my agent
and visit my kids.

- Thanks, everybody!
- [Oliver] No! I mean...

No. Y-You and I have something
very important to do back at my apartment.

Um...

Uh, monitor this ham radio
that we got from Dudenoff's.

And...

should you fall in love with me
because of my relentless charm assault,

then that's okay, too. Let's...

[♪ "Botany Bay" on concertina playing]

[♪ dissonant concertina playing along]

[Charles] Pink eye?
Or the bruise from the recoil of a gun?

How to get an eye patch off?

How to get an eye patch off?

I got it.

- [♪ concertina blares, stops]
- I got it.

You ask for a glass of water.
I tell a great joke.

You do a spit take.
You spray water all over his face.

And then, when he's...
when he's drying his face,

he's forced to remove the eye patch.

That's one of the stupidest things
I've ever come out with.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Charles. I'm...

still a little nervous.

I'm nervous playing you.

- I get it. It's a challenge.
- [Eugene] 'Cause, you know,

I've only played the dullest pencils
in the drawer

'cause I thought they were the funniest,
but you're not funny.

I mean, yeah, you do have
a dull pencil quality about you,

but what you did with Brazzos...

I mean, you know, th-th-the fearlessness,
the complexity.

I used to say to myself,
"Am I watching a TV show,

or am I watching a doctorate-level
physics class?" [laughs]

[laughing] Oh, stop!

Unless you had more to say.

No, I think that was it.

I'm nervous, you're fearless...

No, that was it.

- [♪ concertina squeaks]
- [♪ upbeat music playing]

I got it.

I know how to get that eye patch off.

[Eva] Hey, slow down, slow down!
What's the plan?

How do we approach Rudy?

What do we do, tackle him?
Accuse him? Watch him squirm?

I'd like to stay away
from sexual manipulation.

I mean, I'm not closed off to it
because I'm good at it. But...

Okay, "Mabel." I think there's
been a misunderstanding here.

Oh, hey, are we attached to "Mabel"?

- I'd say so.
- [Eva sighs]

It's just such an old person name,
[scoffs] which we are not.

So, I think we can do better.
What about, um...

[gasps] Mabél?

[laughing] Yes. Yes! It's giving elusive.

It's giving mysterious. It's giving,

"Where are you from, and can I go there?"

Bayport, Long Island, and no.

Oliver and I found this tinsel
in the sniper's nest.

So I need to go to Rudy's
and see if it matches

any of the tinsel there
without tipping him off.

What? We're just gonna go snoop
on the Christmas freak? Ugh!

God, we are young women of action.

I say we go there
and press his Christmas buttons

and provoke him until he confesses.

Or... he could kill us because,

I don't know, he might be a killer.

Do you wanna know about Mabel?

[Eva] Mm.

Mabel works alone.

Fine.

Mabél doesn't stay where she's not wanted.

- It's Mabel!
- [♪ soft jaunty music playing]

[mouthing] What?

[rumbling]

Zach?

Um, I feel we got off on the wrong foot.

- Can we start over?
- Yeah.

[sighs] My ass is looking good...
Look at that.

I see you've mastered my morning mantra.

We Putnams are known for our dump trucks.

No wonder they cast you. [laughs]

So, what I like to do
is work from the outside in.

What would the character wear?
How do their clothes make you feel?

I'm more of an inside-out guy.

I read the inside of the script,

and then I say the words
outside of my mouth.

Ah.

- I see. Yeah.
- Pretty easy.

Weren't we supposed to be doing something
with a ham radio?

- [door opens]
- Oh, no, any idiot can do that.

[Howard Morris] Hello?

[pig grunting]

My ears are burning.

Huh.

So you're who they cast.

Well, I can see why. I mean,

where else would they have
found bearded comic relief?

[nervous laugh] Jealousy and yellow
are not good colors on you.

Also, the pig?

Was found wandering the halls,
very depressed.

But, we're gonna cheer you up
and have a great day.

Isn't that right, Natalie Porkman?

I'm guessing names
and waiting for a reaction.

George Swinebrenner.

She's obviously a she, funny man.

Gloria Swineham then.

[muted sarcastic laugh]

Howard, uh, monitor this ham radio.

I-I need to get Zach into character.

Seriously, Oliver,
I think w-we're done here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop quiz, hotshot.

Uh, you're Oliver Putnam.

You're six Cosmos deep at Joe Allen

when Frank Rich picks a fight.

Who is the definitive Mrs. Lovett,

Lansbury or LuPone?

- LuPone?
- [overlapping aghast chatter]

[Howard]
Go. Just go. This guy needs a lot of work.

[♪ soft whimsical music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

[sighs]

[♪ Christmas music
playing inside apartment]

Ugh. What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Solving a murder.

Mabél works alone, remember?

Who's there? Ooh! Do we have company, Eva?

[Eva] I guess.

Oh, hello.

What's this?

Well, I was just bringing around
comedy legend, uh, Eugene Levy,

to help everyone cope
with the recent murders in the building.

You know, maybe bring a few smiles.

- And what's with the eye patches?
- Thanks for asking.

It just, uh, it turns out
that Eugene and I

both simultaneously, uh,
developed this, uh,

pesky, uh, conjunctivitis, and, uh...

But thankfully, uh, we have this...
these new amazing drops.

And we were thinking that if your patch

is covering the same thing,
you know, pesky conjunctivitis,

y-you may wanna remove it,
uh, right here, and...

That's right, and I would be
happy to share my drops.

Y-You know what? I'll pass, okay?

I-I-I tried every drop
on the market. Here...

W-Wait! Wait! Uh, wait,
I get it. I get it. You've tried...

everything [laughs] on the market,

but you will change your tune

when you... when you hear my friend's tale.

My tale?

Mm-hmm. The tale you told me last week

- at, uh, at the Improv.
- Oh.

Oh, y-yes, and...
Uh, well, my tale is simple.

Uh, my, my cousin is an ophthalmologist.

Dr. Savage. Salazar Savage.

Yes, and,

uh, his, u-uh, father, m-my uncle,

uh, he went to Paraguay

as a missionary in the '40s

to... help... convert...

the indigenous...

Montaguayo people

- and raise his only son.
- Again, th-the genius,

but criminally obscure Dr. Salazar Savage.

Yes, and...

- I-I'm sorry. Where is this going?
- I'll tell you where this is going!

My cousin developed
a cutting-edge pink eye treatment

from the native, uh, lava cactus...

Which is not available here

due to some trivial FDA regulations,

and I will not go into detail about that.

Yeah, anyway, the point is...

Oh, thank God, yes! The point being...

The point is I was recently sent a bottle

of this amazing stuff,

uh, from Asunción.

Which is the actual capital of Paraguay.

Alright, fine, fine, fine.
I'll... Yeah, I-I-I'll try it. Uh...

S-So what you do is... [stammering]

Is you just, uh, pull down your eye patch,
and you put in, uh, 16 drops.

I think I know how to use an eye dropper.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, you really wanna do it here
because...

we want to video it,

so we can send the tape to Dr. Salavar?

- Dr. Savage.
- Savage.

I'll be right back.

- [train whistling]
- [♪ "Silent Night" playing]

Ho ho ho! Here we go!

Two protein eggnogs! Yummy!

It's my personal recipe, patent pending.

Actually, Eva, I'm something
of a mogul myself.

- Mm.
- [Mabel] Mm.

- That's thick.
- Oh, thank you!

The secret: more egg than nog.

And ground deer hoof.

So, I-I'm sorry to barge in
on you like this.

I'm not sure what Eva Longoria
has told you, but...

Oh, I told him
we're investigating the murder.

- Of course you did.
- And that we're looking for clues.

We're gonna have answers
by the end of day. [crunches]

Unrelated. Rudy, uh,

your home is... so cozy.

I love Christmas decorations.

But I-I have to say, you, uh,
you're missing my favorite.

What's that? Advent calendar?

I have five. Nutcrackers?
I got a whole family.

12-foot-tall snowman?
I had to put him in my room.

People were put off by the scale

and anatomical correctness.

Oh, that makes sense.

No, I meant tinsel.
Do you have any of that?

- [♪ radio starts playing]
- ♪ Standing tall ♪

[Mabel]
Is that the Perfect Strangers theme?

Is that a ham radio?

Yeah, it's a gift from a friend.
Here, lemme just get rid of that.

[static, radio stops]

- [♪ jaunty music playing]
- Hey, Mabél, look around.

There's no tinsel.

Uh, look around.

There's a gun on the wall
and another ham radio.

There has to be tinsel.
He probably just hid it

because you were telling him
we're looking for clues.

Okay, stop saying tinsel!

Let's just provoke
a reaction outta the guy,

so he can confess by my 7:30 dinner.

By the way, I have a 7:30 dinner,

and I'd love to tell everybody
I solved a murder today.

Eva, m-my friend is in very real danger.
We're not provoking a killer

so that you can share some
charming anecdote with...

Roger Federer,
Anderson Cooper, Michelle Obama,

and the lady from Shark Tank.
Barb something.

[sighs] Okay, well,
we'll try to get you out by 6:00.

- Great.
- [grabs phone]

[sighs]

[Oliver] You may think it's silly, but...

when I was a kid, I had a dream...

that I would live a life that, someday,

someone would wanna turn into a film.

And now, all I want is it

to be the best film ever made.

Wow, that's really brave
for you to admit that,

but probably not for
the reasons you think.

Okay. I-I'm sorry.

I get it. You don't wanna be forgotten.

Oh. Who could ever forget Oliver Putnam?

Right. Right.

So, let's give a lift
to that hair... Oh, boy.

[sputters]

It's gonna be a little journey here.

- [sighs]
- I do have one question though.

I just need a second here.

All those stories that you tell.

[Oliver sighs]

There's no way they're true, right?

Well, the key to an Oliver Putnam story

- is that you want it to be true.
- Yeah.

It should take place
between 1960 and 1980,

it should involve a celebrity

who you're shocked to
discover is still alive...

Hmm.

...and the best ones take place
in a nightclub that's now an Applebee's.

Or involve a drug that no longer exists.

Okay, now...

close your eyes.

Ooh! Someone just got back from Ibiza.

Where I did opium with Barbara Eden
at a Souplantation?

[groans]

No one gets it the first time.

- Okay.
- Come on! Come here.

- [loud snort]
- [imitates snort]

- [groans]
- [imitates groan]

[♪ "Perfect Strangers theme" playing]

♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪

♪

♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪

Whatever this is...

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

...I hate it.

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪

♪

[♪ song ends]

[♪ tense music playing]

Okay, he's gonna be out any second.

Any second, Charles.
Do you have another plan?

- I have a plan. I have a plan.
- Good. Good.

And it is...

Oh, my God, I'm in a murderer's apartment,

- and you don't have a plan!
- [Vince Fish] Okay, thanks.

Here you go. Let's hope that they work.

Um, um, listen, before we go,
um, I'm wondering

i-i-if you can, uh,
bring my friend Charles

a glass of, uh, water.

Sure. I'm a restaurant now.

We're not doing your spit take plan!

I don't think we have a choice.
I tell a joke,

you spit in his face,
we get to see under his eye patch!

If he hates me, and he's a murderer,

and he can shoot directly
into my apartment,

maybe I shouldn't spit in his face?

Good point. That's a good point.

But he can still murder me.

- [Vince] Here you go.
- Yeah.

Oh, here's the water you wanted.
Anyway, uh,

so these two snails
are vacationing in Beverly Hills...

[stammering] Here. Try it, try it, try it.

A-A priest and a... and a duck
walk into a synagogue...

No, that's not funny. You take it.
You drink... You drink it.

You drink it. You drink it. You drink it.

Anyway, these two cannibals

are sitting down to a nice meal
of baked asshole of clown.

- [spits]
- What the?

- [grunts]
- [glass falls]

And one cannibal says to the other,
"This taste funny to you?"

[Eugene groans]

That's... That's not a bruise.

That is a pink... pink eye.

Yeah!

Antibiotic-resistant pink eye!

[Eugene groans]

- Nothing, nothing...
- [♪ Christmas music playing]

- You wanna help out here?
- No, I'm kinda busy.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh! Uh, nothing. I was, uh,

just admiring this so sweet and...

- [Santa toy] Ho ho ho.
- Oh.

- Oh, no, no, please.
- [Santa toy] Ho ho ho.

- Don't touch him.
- Uh, yeah.

- [text notification chimes]
- Mrs. Claus is a lucky lady. [laughs]

Oh, great.

Dinner got moved up to 6:30.

Time to land this plane.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, Rudy.

[Mabel] No, no, no, no, no!

- Does this piss you off?
- [glass shatters]

- [gasps]
- What...

- Or...
- [Rudy Thurber] Hey! No, no, no!

- What about this?
- [Rudy] Don't...

- [shattering]
- Why?

Oh, and by the way, your eggnog sucks.

- Aw!
- [Eva] What you gonna do about it?

[mocking]
You gonna cry? Are you gonna cry about it?

[normal] 'Cause word on the street is
you get a little murderous

when somebody tries
to ruin Christmas! [gasps]

- Ooh! [laughs]
- [Rudy] Hey, don't touch that!

I bet you that's very... triggering!

- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?!

I'm solving the murder. Admit it!
Christmas is all you have.

Yeah, Christmas and fitness.

Fitness is clearly important to you.
That is not lost on me,

but, mostly, you love Christmas.

So, when your scrooge of a neighbor

tries to take away your real
Christmas trees, you snapped.

Eva, put the gun down.

And once you had Charles in your sights...

- Eva Longoria's unhinged.
- That is correct.

- ...you shot him!
- [gasps]

- [Santa toy] Ho ho ho!
- Oh, this is not a real gun.

No, it's not. You think I shot Charles
because I love Christmas?

Yeah.

I hate Christmas! [gasps]

- [♪ Christmas music continues]
- [confused hum]

But, um...

Okay. [sighs]

I'm a fitness influencer.

I made one Christmas-themed workout video,
and it went viral.

Now, I'm stuck being
"Santa's Sexy Little Helper."

I can't crack 100 likes
unless it's Christmas-themed content!

My success is my prison
and these... [panting]

ornaments, the reindeer, that gun from
A Christmas Story, these are my jailers!

Every five seconds, people are asking me
if they're still on the naughty list!

- That's a lot of names.
- Hello.

- And abs.
- [Rudy] Thank you.

Do you know how hard it is
to write on yourself backwards?

All my time is spent trying to come up
with Christmas workout puns.

"Yule be surprised at
what your body can do!"

"No time like the presents
to believe in your elf!"

My parents are so disappointed in me!

[sighs] It felt good to get that out.

[♪ Christmas music continues]

Um, hey, could you guys not tell people

about the whole "I hate Christmas" thing?

[Mabel] Yeah, sure. No problem.

Um, I just have one more question.
Can you explain this?

We saw tinsel where the shot was fired,

and kinda led us to you.

Yeah, this is not tinsel.
Tinsel is highly flammable.

- Christmas's silent killer.
- [Mabel] Huh.

- Okay, thank you.
- [Rudy] Mm.

I'm sorry Eva Longoria

shot what she thought
was a real gun in your apartment.

My bad. [chuckles]

Hey, but if it's any consolation,

Michelle Obama will watch
your TikTok tonight.

Wait, what do you mean
Michelle Obama will see my...

Is that a euphemism for something?

- [Eva] Merry Christmas!
- [door slams, bells jingle]

[radio static]

[Zach And Oliver]
The Ollies are back! [laughs]

That was a long day alone
with a pig and a radio.

How was yours?

Well, that depends. What do you call
taking too many Quaaludes

with Ving Rhames and getting
kicked outta the Playboy Club?

- [laughter]
- [text notification chimes]

Oh, hold on.

- Oh, that's my agent. One second.
- Oh my...

Seems like it went well.

Huge success. Enormous success.

The success has elephantitis.

Meanwhile, I kept a very
detailed ham radio journal.

[pig grunting]

A few call signs,
the theme song from Perfect Strangers,

a lot of weather chatter. A lot!

Feels like most of these kooks
are just waiting for the apocalypse.

Including Kristen Piig,
who is one open window away

from turning herself into Canadian bacon.

[Zach] I'm really glad you
pushed me to do this today.

- Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Ooh.

It was a lot of fun.
We did a lot of frolicking,

and we got to know each other
and, you know, the whole works.

Of course, I'm being sarcastic!

What part of "career pivot"
was so confusing to you?

I told you I wanted big, meaty,
psychosexual leading man dramatic parts,

and you give me pocket-sized,
flop-sweat Willy Wonka.

This man is a one-dimensional narcissist.

Under those scarves deep, deep down,

it's just more fucking scarves.
I gotta go.

Thanks, guys.

I'm gonna take off. That was a lot of fun.

Lot of fun.

Yo, Galifianakis!

How could you spend an entire day
with this man and still not get it?

Let me tell you a little something
about Mr. Oliver Putnam.

This man?

He's my hero.

Oliver doesn't know
the definition of quit.

There is no obstacle nor tragedy
that Oliver Putnam can't bounce back from.

Think about what he's been through.

Flop... after flop... after flop.

- Onstage. Off.
- Right.

Any other man with even a shred,
a speck of dignity,

would be destroyed,

- but not this man! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!
- Okay, Howard...

Every time he falls,
he gets right back up,

and he meets the day
with a song, don't you?

Yeah, I... Yes.

Even when he knows
he's just gonna fall again.

Alright, Howard, please.
I think I can handle...

Okay, take his current
long-distance romance, for example.

I give it six months,
most would say three.

Yet, here he remains,
helping your little career,

instead of enjoying
his final precious hours

upon that Hindenburg of a relationship.

Th-That is not true.
Loretta and I have never been this strong.

- I rest my case.
- [sighs]

Now, that's psychosexual.

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- That's meaty!

You're not the court jester.

You're King Lear!

- Yes, I think what Howard meant was...
- [Zach] No, no, no, no, no.

You're this...

elegant worm.

This dressed-up doormat.

This Technicolored cockroach
who refuses to die!

I hate you!

But I love you.

People might finally
take me seriously after this.

Uh-huh...

I will immortalize you, Oliver,

The real...

tragic...

heartbreaking...

lonely...

pathetic you.

That's very kind. Thank you.

Okay, let's get crackin'!

[claps]

Hey, bud! Look who's got a bloody nose?

I used to get those
all the time from anxiety.

Yeah. Well, mine's from
being punched in the face.

- Sorry about the haymaker.
- [Eugene] Oh, that's all right, Vince.

Apology accepted. [weak laugh]

You know, I just realized
something, Charles.

You're not that complex.

You're just as chicken shit as I am,
which makes you funny.

- I think I can play you.
- Well, uh, that's something.

I can't believe that you
thought I killed your friend.

I can't even kill this
moderate to severe case

of bacterial conjunctivitis.

Well, whoever shot my friend,

I think probably had something
wrong with their eyes

because I think they were aiming for me.

And, honestly,
I always thought you hated me.

What? I hated you?

I always thought that you hated me!

Whenever I see you through the window,
you always look away.

No, I'm just awkward!

[laughs] I-I'm awkward, too!

You're awkward?

I'm very awkward! Yes!

- Oh, Vince. Aw...
- Ah, Charles! Aw!

- Yeah, Eugene!
- [Eugene sighs]

Yeah, okay, yeah. See, you're too tight.

- You're hugging just way too tight.
- [♪ mysterious music playing]

This is enough.

No, this is hugging for three people.
This is enough.

Okay, let's go. Done.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Lovely apartment.

Here you go.

[Eva] Think I'm gonna skip the part
where I was wildly wrong

when I tell this story tonight.

Um, you know what? For what it's worth,

you were actually kind of helpful.

I probably would've wasted weeks
thinking that guy had a motive.

Maybe, you know,
your Mabel's approach isn't that bad.

- Or Mabél.
- Mm, Mabél is bold.

- She pops. She sells T-shirts.
- Um...

I think I'm gonna hang back for a second.

Taking a page out of your playbook.

- [♪ soft tense music playing]
- [Eva laughs softly]

[keypad buttons beep]

I see you, Mabél.

[clanging]

[phone clicks]

[keypad clacking]

[phone clicks]

[blinds rattle]

[phone vibrates]

[phone clicks]

♪

[mouthing]

- [Charles] It's us!
- [Oliver] Hi!

- [laughter]
- Housekeeping!

[pig grunting]

So, you don't believe
Dudenoff's in Portugal?

I'm not convinced.

Well, he's not gonna be happy you're here.

I'm counting on it.
If he finds out I'm squatting here,

he'll have to show his face
to kick me out.

[Charles] He could be our killer...

Personally, I love that you're squatting.

In the summer of '77,
I spent an incredible three months

squatting in Sonny Bono's
Palm Springs pool house.

Look, it'll be good for the case,
and I needed a place to stay.

Well, I just...

I worry about you here.

I worry about you all the time.

At least we can watch over each other now.

[pig grunting]

How come the actors couldn't come
for one of our finales?

Like when we figure
everything out all at once?

[Oliver] Mm-hmm.

[pig snorting]

[singing]
♪ No matter the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪

- ♪ This flame in my heart ♪
- [mumbling along]

♪ Long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

What is happening right now?

[Mabel and Oliver] ♪ Standing tall ♪

What is that bizarrely catchy song?

Oh, I heard it on Rudy's ham radio.

You don't know the theme
to Perfect Strangers?

- You do?
- [♪ tense music playing]

The theme to Perfect Strangers.

Howard was clocking
the same song on the radio.

Gimme his book.

Yes! A person came on the line and said,

"Meet me at 445."

What is the deal with these ham radios?

I mean, are we in some
sort of doomsday cult?

You know, Vince had this photo
of everyone on this floor,

and someone was holding
Rudy's hand with the pig,

and their face was crossed out.

Maybe that's who was on the radio.

Okay, but what is 445?
Is that an address? A time?

It's a frequency!

Oh, my gosh!

[Oliver and Charles grunting]

[scrubbing, static]

- [♪ bits of music playing]
- [Oliver] Ah! Could you help me?

[Charles] Yeah, I gotcha.

[static stops]

Hello? Hello?

"OMIT-B" paging "Perfect Strangers,"
do you copy?

- [radio beeps]
- [static]

[speaker] [on radio, distorted] Hello?

You shouldn't be on this frequency.

- Who is Dudenoff?
- And what's with all the ham?

Do you know who's out to get me?

[speaker] [on radio, distorted]
The last person

who came around
asking these questions got killed.

- [pig squeals]
- I love you, Hammy Faye Bakker!

- [snorting]
- [♪ dramatic music playing]

Well, that solves that mystery.

[speaker] [on radio, distorted]
I tell you. Drop this, or you'll be next!

- [distorted static]
- [Hammy Faye Bakker squealing]

[grunts]

[♪ soft jaunty music playing]

♪

[♪ music ends]

[♪ fanfare playing]