All language subtitles for Woods.Witch.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

- Bonsoir.

I am Garrett Gasper, AKA The Squirrel,

and your host for this show tonight.

Tonight, we will go from
23 followers to double,

maybe 50, eh?

But first, first we must ribbon the trees

so I can find my way out.

Bonsoir.

So far there's no automobiles
in the middle of the forest.

Oh, shit!

Ah, fuck this accent.

There was a real heaviness in the air,

even while I was here
during the day, okay?

Oh, fuck.

(Garret sighs)

This is the right way to go.

There's my ribbon.

So, as you saw in the earlier clips,

there hasn't been anyone
else out here but me,

and that's still true,

except I did see that woman for a second,

which if you go back
and watch the footage,

I couldn't find anybody.

Who knows?

Could be Suicide Sandy,

one of the missing people

and urban legends tied to this area.

(sighs) It's creepy out here, all right.

That's it, the bleeding tree.

I found my way out!

Let's get outta here.

(ominous music)

- Hey, guys, Jonah and-

- Jocelyn here.

- And we're doing a very
special video today,

a video you have been
requesting again and again,

the Touch My Body challenge,

and I cannot wait to touch your body.

- It's actually, open your eyes.

- Oh, you put my finger
in George's asshole.

(Jocelyn laughs)
You- (laughs)

(group chants)

- [Jonah] Guys, why, why,
why am I not in the shot?

Brian, you're the camera guy.

Why aren't you filming?
- Oh, please.

- I'm meditating.
- Just, oh, Jonah,

we were doing so good.

Ah, ah.

- Hey guys, we're here with my mom.

(Charlotte laughs)

- Ah, God, I'm starving.

Hint, hint.

- Talk to my mom.

- Oh, God, I so wish you weren't here.

- [Brian] I do, too.

You know, Charlotte, can we please try

and get along a little bit okay.

I'm trying to get along here.

I love your daughter.
- Johann, Johann,

whatever the fuck your name is.

I wanted to spend time with my daughter

and she invited you, I guess.

And, um, I can't believe that
you guys fuck each other.

I just can't believe it.
- You really are

a waste of space.
- You know, Charlotte,

what does it concern you,

what I do with what's in my pants, okay?

It does not concern you, okay?

- Oh, mom, don't worry.

We meditate.

- Thank you, dear.
- Thanks.

- You got cooties.

- Cooties, me?

- Yeah, I can guarantee it.

Definitely, cootie.
- Asshole!

- You're, no, you're-
- Asshole.

No, you're an asshole,
- Brian, help me out,

- you're a fucking asshole.
- help me out.

- A total asshole, I don't know why.

- Yeah, Brian, you're
a fucking asshole, too.

- Brian?

Why are you fighting

with Brian?
- Brian,

Brian.
- We're not fighting.

No, it was nothing Jocelyn.

It was just a, little, uh, you know.

- Look, I can't cut it a little bit.

I'll take a little.

Dogmeat.

- [Jonah] The thing is- (laughs)

- Hey guys, what's up?

It's your boy Flash Dash here,

and the only thing I like better

than lurking around people's backyards

is canceling people.

And look what I found.

Some juicy stuff right here.

We just found Jocelyn's mom
with a much younger guy.

- You know I love you.
- Believe that.

- How are we ever going-
- About to cancel some more-

Oh, we've gotta tell them.

I know, but how?

And how do you think she's gonna

react to us, dear?
- We'll get them,

We'll get them stoned on weed,
(Brian laughs)

and then we'll tell them.

- That sounds like a
good plan, get them all-

- Mm, ah.

- Mm, you're hair is-
- Don't mess up my hair,

- Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
- Brian.

I got lipstick all over you.

- Oh, that's okay.

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, what about, you know, Jonah,

he's gonna flip as well.

- Jonah, fuck Jonah.

- Yeah, he's a dick,

but still.
- Oh, he's a dick.

- Oh, no, I don't know
what she sees in him,

maybe she saw a big dick, I don't know.

- Yeah.

- What is going on with you and Charlotte?

- What, what do you mean?

- Are you sleeping with Charlotte?

Are you sleeping with Jocelyn's mom?

- I don't think that's
any of your business.

It's my-
- You do know,

you're my employee.

You're me and Jocelyn's employee.

We hired you to be our camera operator,

and you're here fucking her mom.

- Hey, you know what?

Love knows no bounds.

(Jonah slaps Brian)
- I'm telling you, this is-

(Brian slaps Jonah)
No,

(Jonah slaps Brian)
stop it,

(Brian slaps Jonah)
stop it.

You are cute-

Knocking my fucking
quality hat off, asshole.

And watch Jocelyn's pepper tree,

you piece of shit, watch
her fucking pepper tree.

- Who's daddy now!
- Get the fuck out.

- We need you to go on a little adventure.

We need you to stick Johann, honey.

Kill him.

Kill him in the woods.

Stick him badly, so his arms and his legs

and everything is all, you know, cut up.

You could even eat his arms and legs.

Whatever you like, honey,

just so you get him off the planet.

Go get him.

Go get him.

Charlie.

Charlie, don't fink out on me.

You gotta split 'em into pieces.

No more Johann.

Terrible, Johann, Johann,
whatever the fuck his name is.

- Guys, I just came up with
an amazing idea for a video.

Jocelyn.
- Hmm?

- Jocelyn, wake up, wake up, wake up.

You're not gonna believe it.

I thought about a great video.

A great video
- Why are you

filming me right now?
- A great video.

I gotta take up my balding hat

- Stop.
- and I turn it this way.

Well, I thought of a really great idea.

You're not gonna believe this.

I thought, you know,
you've been talking about

what are we gonna do
to change our channel,

to get more attention,
to get more viewers.

We gotta do a 48 hour challenge video.

- What?

- 48 hour challenge video,
going out to the woods.

It's a good way to get Dacia
and Eugene in our videos.

Those fucking morons, you know,

they have all those subscribers,
everybody likes them.

If we do this, that's a good
way to get 'em, and, you know,

get the views from 'em.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, we're gonna cut this out.

I don't like Dacia.

I don't wanna do videos with Dacia.

I told you this.

- No, I know you don't like Dacia,

but the thing is, she's
got so many subscribers.

Think about all the people
that have come to us.

You know, our channel is
starting to go down a little bit.

If we get them in our video,
that's gonna start getting,

you know, people to watch us again.

- All right, I don't want them coming.

I'm going back to bed.

I don't wanna go in the woods.

I don't like camping.

I don't shit outside.

- Well-

I have to tell you though,

I did already actually
invite them to come over.

Guys, what we're doing is
we're talking about the new

48 hour challenge that
we're planning to do.

Are you excited, Jocelyn?

- I am so excited.

- Wait a minute, Jonah,
isn't the 48 hour challenge,

didn't I tell you about that?
- Nah,

you didn't tell me about that.

Well, basically,
- Yes, I did.

- there's was a vlogger who
went out into the woods.

He was a little older
- I could have sworn I did.

than he should be doing videos like this,

but he went out into the
woods filming himself.

He was exploring the woods,

and he ended up hearing some weird noise.

And then basically, you saw something

very strange behind him,
and he went missing.

And no one has seen him since.

We're now gonna have to go and
probably talk to your father

about some money to do this video.

- That's right.

We do need money.

We're thinking about doing one of those,

like crowdfunding kind of,
- Crowdfunding things.

- kinds of things.

If you wanna send me any
money, you can email it to me.

Email in the description,
- Mm-hmm.

- use my email.
- And, you know,

I have been getting people saying

that they wanna see my feet.

You know, usually it's been your feet.

- Yeah.
- You wanna see my feet,

listen, I'll show you my
feet for a hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks a foot.

- I think this is a little tacky.

If you go to my page,
- Yeah.

- I actually won't ask you for money

at all.
- Aight,

- But that's fine.
I'ma head out, I'm just gonna-

(couple whispering)

- Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy,

daddy, daddy!
- Oh, no, now you find me?

I told everybody I'm in Las Vegas.

- Oh, so good to see you,

Bella.
- Hi!

How are you?

Nice to see you.
- Good.

Good to see you.

- Yeah.

- I wanted to introduce you to Jonah.

Jonah, show everybody, uh-

- [Jonah] Sir, it's
great to meet you, sir.

I've heard, you know, I have heard so many

amazing things about
you from your daughter.

She says you're the nicest person ever.

She says you help people out.

You're kind, you're generous.

- I haven't heard shit about you.

- [Jonah] Well, actually,
the reason why we're here

and we're filming and everything is

we wanted to ask, because
we do these, this series,

we want to try and step
up our video quality.

And we're gonna be going out

to the woods to do this documentary,

and the thing is, we really
only have this camera,

- Yeah.
and you know, this microphone,

we don't really have
- Mm-hmm.

- a lot of other stuff to work with.

- Or sleeping bags,

or food.
- Sleeping bags, or anything.

So, we kind of wanted to see if you might

want to help donate to the cause and like,

be almost like a producer
or a backer for our video.

- [Bella] You have something on you.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

I would love to do that.

What are you out of your fucking mind?

Is that what this is?

You trying to make me
give money, for what?

For you to leave, that's all.

- Yes, yes, I need some money.
- Yeah.

- You give her everything,

okay.
- Oh, uh.

- You left my mom for her, I-
- No, I did not

leave your mom for her.

I left your mom for Julie.

Then I left Julie.
- Julie?

- Who the hell is Julie?
- Oh, no.

- She's way far away.
- Oh, okay.

- Then I left Julie for Ana, and then

I left Ana for her.
- I'm lucky number three.

- Now, if I give you
money, then you go away?

- [Jonah] That's the thing.

We really need the money.
- Who is talking to you?

- Ah, boo-boo.
- If I give you money,

will you go away?

- Yes, $50,000.

- (laughs) 50,000.
- Give her something, honey.

- Are you crazy, 50,000?
- Give her something.

- No, I want this shoe.
- Yeah, oh, oh, okay.

You can have the shoe.
- Hey, take the shoe.

Jocelyn, take the shoe.

- [Jocelyn's Dad] Here.
- Jonah, can I be-

- Here's hundred dollars.
- A hundred dollars.

- Can I be in the show?

Can I be in the show?
- You're in the doc-

You're actually in the documentary, now.

- Hi.
- We might use

some of this footage in it.
- Hi, Jonah.

- She's hitting on my boyfriend.

- Yeah, because you know why?

Because he's a scuzzball, that's all.

- Goodbye.
- He's a scuzzball.

- Do not talk him.
- Honey.

- You are not allowed

to talk to him.
- Oh my God.

I want my shoe.
- Did you see

I want my shoe.
- how she hit on him?

- I want my shoe.
- No, I'm taking your shoe.

I'm taking your shoe.
- She's taking my shoe.

- I'd rather have (indistinct)
- I'm taking the shoe.

- [Jonah] What do you
think that shoe's worth?

- At least half my rent.
- Oh, it is?

- Well, off to Maui.

- Off to Maui, guys.

Seeing off my mom.
(Charlie barks)

I love you, mom.

- We're sure gonna miss you, Charlotte.

- Charlie, Charlie.
- Love you, new dad.

(Brian laughs)

- And Jonah, I hope you die in the woods.

- I hope you get eaten by a shark.

- Ah, yeah, well.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're not,
- Oh, Charlie, Charlie.

- Charlie, Charlie.
- Charlie, come on, honey,

we're going to Hawaii.
- We can't take

Charlie with us.
- Actually, we can't

take Charlie, can we?

- No.
- You can't take

Charlie to Hawaii?
- They're gonna have to-

- No, because you know,

it costs like 250 or
something on the plane.

(Jocelyn sighs)
- You do realize

that me and Jocelyn
have a big trip planned

where we're going out to the woods

and we cannot take your damn stupid dog

along with us.
- It's actually

my dog, too, Jonah, it's my dog, too.

- Yeah, but where are we,
- We can't take him.

how are we gonna deal with the dog

in the middle of the wood?
- We'll just take him camping.

(Jonah sighs)
- Dogs-

- You tie him to a tree, asshole.

(Brian laughs)
- Just go

and have a good trip, okay?

You two, get outta here.

Take your boy toy with you.

I don't know how we're gonna
do this video without you.

You were our cameraman.

We needed -
- I'm gonna be your dad.

I'm gonna be your dad
- Stand up for yourself, Brian

so you better, you know,

learn how to talk to me.
- Shape up.

- Geez.

- Okay, honey.
- Then you guys

need to clear out then,

get on out, you know.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Disrespectful son.

- Yeah, have a good,
- Thank you.

- have a good trip.

- Don't let the door hit you
- Die in the woods.

- in the ass on the way out.
- Bye.

- Die in the woods.
- Hope you finally have a

peanut allergy on the plane.
- Rot in hell, Joanne.

- Looking forward to your funeral.

- [Jonah] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yours too.

Hope they can't find
your body on the beach.

(Charlotte speaks foreign language)

- [Jonah] Yeah, yeah, yeah, eat my ass.

- What?

- [Jonah] Jocelyn, can you believe it?

We are here in the mayor's office.

I do not know how you
scored this interview.

- I don't know either.

This is why you love me.

- [Jonah] It is, yeah.

You can get anything accomplished,

anything you put your mind to, you do it.

That's why I love you, Jocelyn.

- (laughs) Thank you, babe.

All right, I'm really excited, guys.

We are going to talk to the mayor

of Allensville about these crazy woods.

Ready?

- Yeah, knock.
(Jocelyn knocks)

- I'm nervous.
- I know.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Bradley, the mayor's assistant.

How can I help you?

- I'm Jocelyn, we're
here to interview her.

- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Mayor Miller, Ms. Jocelyn's

ready to meet with you.

- Very good, thank you, Bradley.

Come on in.
- Come in.

- All right.
- Come on in.

Oh, I see you brought a cameraman.

Yes.
- Oh, I'm Jonah.

I'm Jocelyn's boyfriend.
- Oh.

- [Jonah] I hope you don't mind
I'm filming 'cause you know,

it's kind of hard if she
had to do it all herself.

- Okay, sure.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

- So,
- Yes,

- mayor, how long have you
been a resident of Allensville?

- Oh, I've lived here all my life.

- Mm-hmm.

And what can you tell us about the

creepy stuff that goes on in the woods?

- [Jonah] Yeah, anything scary, weird.

Anything out there, that's all we want

to know for our video.

- Oh, well, you know,

I know that there's always
been this strange curiosity

regarding the woods.
- Uh-huh.

- And, well, as a kid, you know,

we'd like to go there just to
push our boundaries, you know?

- Mm.

- But, uh-
- What'd you do?

Play flashlight tag?
(Jocelyn laughs)

- You know, if you take
the flashlight, like, oh,

point a flashlight at people.

What were you doing out there
pushing your boundaries?

- Oh, we're just pushing
our boundaries, you know,

just as kids do, you know.
- Oh, okay.

- But really, it's just like any other

mystery spot in any other town.

- Oh, we are, specifically trying to get

our viewers attention by the
scary things that happened.

What happened to that
social media influencer?

You know the one.

- Um,

so, it seems that your

intentions here are a little askew.

Your narrative that
you're looking for here.

So, I'll tell you what, why don't you,

you can ask me two more questions

(Jocelyn laughs)
and then you can go.

- [Jonah] Well, well, we got,
you haven't even answered

the first question.
- Yeah.

- [Jonah] We wanna know
about anything creepy

out in the woods, anything scary, weird.

- Folklore.
- Folklore,

anything like that.
- Witches, cats.

- Okay, I'll, I'll, I'll,

see, I got another appointment coming up.

So, all I can say is, is
if you were to, (sighs)

if you were to find something,

you can plant it wherever you like,

but it's always gonna follow
you, no matter the soil.

- Well, hopefully nothing
follows us back from the woods,

guys.
- Yeah, I don't want-

So what gonna follow us out there?

- Yeah.
- What's out there

to follow us?
- I really need

to end this appointment
now, okay, thank you.

- But the viewers want to know.

- Listen-
- But you just started,

you, you-
- All right, now, if, okay,

if you were to go in the woods
and something stuck, okay,

well, you just shake it off with a stick,

just like anything, and there-

- [Jonah] What does that even mean?

- How do you shake things off

with a stick?
- She's giving us a runaround,

Jocelyn, this whole thing

is a runaround.
- Yeah, she's not

answering me.
- Obviously,

she knows something.
- You're obviously

aren't from around here if
you don't know that saying.

- You know what?
- And you, you know-

- [Jonah] Obviously, you're
not from this decade.

You're from the eighties, ma'am.

Have you seen yourself
in the mirror lately?

Look at your style.
- Don't insult her.

- Don't make fun of the eighties.

- [Jonah] Yeah, well, you know what?

Obviously, this is a waste of time,

Jocelyn.
- All right, I'm taking it-

- [Jonah] This mayor's a waste of time.

- I am taking my stick
and I'm shaking you off.

You may now exit

the building.
- You know what,

you are a time waster.
- Bradley!

Dang, I sent him to get-
- You sent that fool,

yeah, to get pecan pie.

Sent him to do your biddings.

Goodbye, ma'am, we're out of here.

Let's go.
- I don't know why

you always fight with people.

You ruin everything.
- Because she's

being a pain in the ass.
- I know.

But we could've
- It's ridiculous,

- came back here.
- let's go.

- We're gonna get in
trouble in the woods now.

- [Jonah] Take care.

- Hey.

- Hi.
- Whoa.

Look at these guys.
- Oh my goodness.

- [Jonah] What do you
think these guys did?

- [Jocelyn] I mean, they
definitely look like felons.

- [Jonah] And look,
there's one woman up here.

- She's like,
- Excuse me.

- really hot.
- Yeah, so what did

that woman do,
- Hi.

- officer?
- What did

the hot woman do?
- What did she do?

What did she do?
- Okay,

we can get to that later.

- Is she like, wanted for murder?

- [Jonah] Or do you want, do you want her?

Is that what it's,
- Do really want her?

- [Jonah] are you trying to get her?

Is that what it is?
(Jocelyn laughs)

- This isn't the way I
imagined this, but, okay.

Um, Jocelyn.

- Yes.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Detective Leon.

- Nice to meet you, Leon.
- It's nice to meet you, too.

We spoke on the phone.

- Yeah, thanks for answering our calls.

It was so sweet of you
to arrange this for us.

- No problem.

So, I just wanna tell you what I've heard.

I wasn't there, but the other officer

that was on scene out in those woods

was looking for a woman and
her, like, troubled son.

(Jocelyn gasps)
- And so

they went into the woods
and never came out.

Now, what's weird is that a
lot of people are saying that

she's into witchcraft
and wanted to go get him,

like, like, well, like less sick.

- Wow, well, I hope, guys,
this is his information.

Please share this with everyone.

Hopefully we can find this child.

- And the dad, the dad comes here often,

before and after the missing stuff.

- [Jonah] Anything else
out in the woods weird?

That like, have you ever gone
out to the woods yourself?

- No, no, no, no.

- [Jonah] You don't go out there?

- Huh-uh.
- No?

- No.

- [Jonah] Anything else,
like, anything else

you've ever heard of,
any stories, or anything?

- I really can't-
- Remember, this is

gonna be a big video.
- Yeah.

- [Jonah] I mean, this might
get like millions of views.

- Viral.
- Right now,

a million people could be watching you.

I mean, look-
- I really can't,

I can't divulge any more information than

what I've heard about the
woman and the missing child.

- Anyway, can I use your charger,

'cause, you know, my phone just died

and I need it.
- My phone's dead, I-

- [Jonah] But your phone's, Jocelyn.

- Yeah.
- What?

- It died.

- You guys can use the phone in the hall.

- Yeah?
- You just dial

seven to get out.

- You are the best.
- Yeah. (laughs)

- [Jonah] Jocelyn, please
stop hitting on the officer.

He hasn't even told us anything.

All right, well it was nice meeting you.

- Thanks for the interview.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's nice meeting you.
- All right.

- I cannot believe you did not remember

to charge your phone.

What are you doing?

- You didn't bring your phone.

- Because you had your phone, Jocelyn.

I figured one phone would suffice.

We just needed one phone.

- I livestreamed, okay.

We got some great stuff
- Yeah.

- of that mayor.
- Bad signal out here,

you drained your phone.

- You're not getting
my cleavage, but, yeah,

wait, who are these people?
(prisoner yelps)

- Who are these people?
- Who are these, I don't know.

What?
- Are they dead?

- They're missing.

- Do you think it's-
- Jocelyn,

it says missing.
- From the woods, probably.

The woods ate them.
- It says missing, okay?

Noise going on in this fucking place.

- Yeah.
- Maurice, I'm telling you

buddy, you gotta calm down.

You're gonna go back to the house.

Be careful guys,
(prisoner laughs)

- he can bite people.

- Ooh, whoa.
- I can and I will.

I can and I will.

Who's this faggot here?
- Are you gonna gimme a bath?

- Uh.
- Are you gonna rub my peen?

- I'm her boyfriend, Jonah.
- Listen, listen,

back up motherfucker,

I know about I seen you
in a piss tank before

and it don't do shit.
- [Jonah] What?

(prisoners laugh)

- Do you guys know anything about

the woods here in this town?

- [Jonah] Yeah, we heard like
- What's your name?

a lot of stuff happening out there, so.

- What the fuck, man, this guy's a weirdo.

Stop it, leave me alone.
- Calm down, chuckles.

- He likes to masturbate.
- [Jonah] Well, sir, you know,

you got yourself arrested.
- Listen, listen,

That's why you're stuck

in here with him, so.
- I like to think about

my life and masturbate.
- I love jacking off.

- Do you do that in
the cell with him here?

- I do it in the cell,
I do it in the woods.

- Oh, stop it, man, listen-
- I do it everywhere.

I have a whack off problem.
- You wanna talk about that

girl, you talking about

that girl, right?
- Yeah, the girl.

- Yeah, she was a hot little number.

She's a hot little number.

And I'm ashamed she offered herself.

I mean, I could've helped her
out, help her find herself.

You know what I'm saying?
- What are you talking about?

What woman, what are you talking about?

- The assholes are out there,
- Is that why you're here?

- those assholes are out there dancing

in the blood of the undead, you know?

I know what's going on.
- So, you were in the woods.

- [Jonah] So, you know
somebody that was out there?

Is that what

you're trying to say?
- I'm just telling you.

I'm just telling you, okay?
- So, who was out there?

- My son was out there, you know,

and I'm in here now
because of his, my efforts.

He's just, they're vanished.

Marlow was his name, little motherfucker.

Just vanished.
- So, wait a minute.

So, you know, and then why are
you playing this game here?

You should tell us this first,

that your son's lost out there.

- Hey, fuck you man.

Look, I need to get some
money, and I'd like to see her.

She's the key to my mouth. (laughs)

- I gotta whack off!
- All right,

if you guys need to use the phone.

Use the phone.
- Wait, wait,

- But that's about it.

- whack off guy.
- Can I see your tits?

- No, no, whack off guy,

Were you in the woods?
- If you show me your tits-

- I was in the woods whacking off.

- If you show me your tits,
I'll tell you what happened.

- I don't know guys,

is it worth it?
- [Jonah] I don't know.

- Should we show him?

I don't think I can

do that online.
- Just the tits.

- Hey, you're pushing it,

babe. (laughs)
- You told me you would

whack off with me, boss.
- This guy.

- Come on.
- I'm gonna start crying.

I can't believe it.
- Let's get to it.

Let's get to it.
- He's making one-

- All right.
- Just use the phone-

- Call the phone.
- Yeah, all right.

- [Jonah] Babe, let's
get the hell outta here.

This is like a crazy thing.
- I don't want it anymore.

- [Maurice] I'll get quiet.

- Hey, guys.
- You better hurry up

and get this pussy outta here,

you better hurry up and
get your bitch outta here,

- We're in a prison right now.
- or I'm gonna take it.

- You better hurry up
- Can you pick us up?

- or I'm gonna take her.

- Ah, that's mine.
- You're such a sick

weird guy.
- Okay, we gotta go.

(indistinct yelling)

- Guys, it's time to go.
- Let's get out of here.

- I seen your piss tank, dude.
- All right, Maurice,

all right, come on.
- I gotta go, I gotta go.

- That's it.
- I saw it.

I saw his piss tank.
- Can I go?

- Do you guys wanna shout
out your social medias?

- [Jonah] Yeah, do you have
social media before we go?

- Yeah, it's called
- Whackoff.com

I got a big cock.com.
- All right, let's go,

let's go.
- All right, guys,

- Maurice, come on guys
we might have to censor

this, but-
- Come on, you're done,

you're done, let's go.
- Thank you!

- [Jonah] Jocelyn, how long 'til they said

they were gonna pick us up?

- Ten minutes.

- [Jonah] All right, so
what do you wanna do?

- We're gonna do a challenge to see

how long we could stay in the morgue.

Hello?
- What's going on?

- Oh, what.

Oh, what did you see that?
- What's going on?

- Hello, um-
- Oh.

- That, uh-
- What, what?

- Can I help you?
- What, what?

- That is disgusting.
- What in the hell?

What is this?

This isn't a dead body, this is a-

- Oh.
- Is this a?

- Uh.
- Jocelyn, this is a sex doll.

- Let me explain.

This doll is for practice purposes only.

And as a pathologist, one
of the things that I do,

and we do, professionally, is we use dolls

for our professional practice.

I think we'll-
- Tell me about the witches.

- Witches?
- The witches.

- Well, there are some rumors that

there are these witches
in the local woods,

and the theory is that I've heard

is that they may be responsible

for some of the local deaths.

- [Jonah] Okay, Jocelyn, I think

we better go.
- What about that person?

- [Jonah] I think he probably,

have you experimented on that?

I mean, you know, for science or?

- Well, this is just a, um,
a, anatomically correct doll.

- [Jonah] I think we have the answer.

- Yes, oh.
- Let's go Jocelyn.

You want go?
- Yeah, I gotta get

outta here.
- Let's go.

- I'm feeling sick.
- Let's go, okay.

- All right.

- We also have invited
some very special guests.

We have Eugene from Eugene's World.

Yay! (claps)
- Come on in, Eugene,

hang out, get in the shot.

- Oh, yeah.
- And the beautiful Dacia.

- That is me.

- Millions of followers.
- Miss Dacia, yeah.

- She came to join us here today.

- Mm-hmm.
- And yeah, we're gonna go

to the Allensville bar.

- So, you guys wanna go in?
- Let's do it.

- Let's go.
- Hell, yeah.

- [Jonah] I'm sure this place
is gonna be a real winner.

- [Eugene] Let's do this.

- Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

- [Jonah] Yeah.

- So you guys really didn't
hear anything about it,

even with the woods so close to you,

you didn't hear nothing.

- I think it's all a bunch of hype, man.

But, no, you guys are
like the fifth people

to show up this week
- [Eugene] Who is?

- about this witch thing.

I swear, man.

- I hear a lot of stories.

- [Eugene] Oh yeah, like what?

- Most of them are from drunk people,

so I can't vouch for their authenticity,

but-

... I hear things.
(bartender laughs)

- Hey guys, so right now we're talking

to Harlene and Celine
about the Allensville woods

and the scariest stories they've heard.

So, tell that again
about the, what was it?

Suicide Sandy?
- That's right.

Our favorite scary story
from Allensville Woods

is Suicide Sandy.

It is so disturbing.

Some who have heard it have become insane.

Isn't that right, Celine?

- Absolutely.

And if you watched a cursed video,

you're to blame if it passes to you.

- [Eugene] Really?

- [Harlene] Yeah.
(Dacia clears throat)

- [Eugene] Oh, look,
Dacia's come to join us.

- Yeah, I think that's
probably best for everyone.

Hi, I am Dacia Alexy and I'm officially

hijacking this interview, you're welcome.

You will thank me later.

Okay, so,

Suicide Sandy is a spirit of
a woman named Sandra Fortuna.

Unfortunately, she was super depressed,

mentally ill, the whole nine yards,

and she had this really
bad asshole boyfriend

who dumped her because she
was looking too haggard,

like she shouldn't have
been with him anyway,

but now we're here.

So the bleeding tree,
AKA menstruating tree,

is this like magical tree in the middle

of the Allensville woods,
and it has magical sap,

shockingly, so if you
ingest it, it is like

some seriously next level
beauty game changer shit.

- Yeah, so basically what she's saying is,

you gotta drink period blood from a tree

to stay youthful and beautiful.

- Oh, you're full of crap.

I know what I'm talking about.

- Oh, no, you don't.

- [Jonah] Hey guys, I'm doing
a documentary, you know,

on just kind of like
the town and, you know,

urban legends and stuff
like that that's out here.

And like, what can you guys tell me?

Like anything, you know?

- Are you buying me a
drink to stand that close?

- [Jonah] I'm not buying you a drink,

I'm asking you a question, sir.

- I'm empty.

- [Jonah] Well, what do
you want me to do about it?

(bar patron sighs)

- Buy us some drinks.
- Guess I have to buy my own.

- [Jonah] I don't wanna buy you a drink.

- Talk to that man, not me.
- I'm asking you questions.

I wanna know,

He knows all the answers.
- Jonah] Anything that

you guys can tell me about this town?

Like anything maybe
creepy, scary, anything,

like, do you know anything?

- I'm glad you mentioned that.

- Don't go.
- I wouldn't shit

in those woods for all
the money in the world.

And I love to shit in public places.

- Are you Jonah?

- Uh, Jonah?
- I'm sorry.

- I'm Jonah.
- Jocelyn.

- Jocelyn.
- Yes.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, come sit down.

- Thank you.
- Thank you

so much for taking the
time to come here today.

I really appreciate it.

I know you've been through a lot.

Do you wanna just, you know,

tell everybody your
story, and what happened?

Is that okay, or?

- My brother, Vito,

he heard about all these people

in the woods hooking up, like young women.

So, my family and I decided
one summer to go camping.

So, of course that was
all that was on his mind.

He came back this one
time and told me that

he saw a girl by water and that she was

getting ready to take her clothes off.

Now, I don't know what water

and I never saw any girl,

but he was so determined
to go and talk to her.

And my stupid ass told him he was lying.

And I didn't believe him.

So, he went off and he
just never came back.

We looked all day

and didn't see anyone.

Don't go into those woods.

I am telling you, if
you go in those woods,

you're not gonna come out.

- Yeah, okay guys, so let me

just like teach you to take a selfie.

It's all about the angles.

- Employee.
- Well, in this town-

No, no, no.

You're totally fine, I'm almost done.

You're you're fine, come on.

No, it's, yeah.

No, it's like, it's such a cool place.

Thank you so much for
letting us film here.

- Oh, yeah, we appreciate the business

and the shout out.
- Yeah.

And we will give you both.

You have any personal
stories about the woods?

- Oh, I mean,

I don't really like to talk about it.

It's really bad,

like-
- Oh, like,

- Yeah.
- like how bad?

- I mean, there's this one family

that lost both children to the woods.

A girl and a boy.

I think they said that the boy took

the girl out there to harm her.

- Oh my God.
- I know.

It was so bad.

I actually better get back, so.

- Yeah, no, that's fine.

Yeah, I don't wanna keep you
here in the bathroom with me.

- Okay, yeah.
- It's weird.

Yeah, okay.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Okay, hi.

Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.

- Again, like, the people
are, like, a little off.

- [Jonah] Do you need something, sir?

- I hear you guys are planning
on camping in the woods?

- Uh.
- Oh, I have

the permits and everything.
- Yeah.

- I don't need to see permits.

I just wonder if you really
know what you're getting into.

- [Jonah] Like I said,
we're going out there.

If we don't come out,
you know where we are.

There's no mystery.
- Yeah.

- [Jonah] Just send
somebody out to the woods.

- The woods are big, so
don't hold your breath.

- We didn't get a chance to talk to you

after you had your drink.

You spoke to everybody else at the bar,

but you skipped us.

- Thank you for getting us drinks.

- They stalked us.
- Yeah, we appreciate that.

We know that you're really popular,

but you don't just stalk people

and follow them to the hotel.

I don't know where you come from,

but that's not how it works.

I mean, maybe 'cause
you're more famous than us,

you think you can stalk people,

but that's-
- We wanted

to team up with you.
- They're not.

- And give you guys a chance
to get as famous as us.

- [Dacia] Okay.

- I don't know about this
whole teaming up thing.

I don't exactly,
- That's unnecessary.

- I mean, what do you think, Jocelyn?

I mean?
- I mean,

I subscribe to you guys.
- I mean, we do

watch your videos.

I mean, they're, I mean,

I don't know if they're as good as ours.

I mean, we're a better
couple I think than you guys.

- Really, I've watched yours

and I actually think ours is better.

- There's no reason for us
not to do this together.

I mean, it's destiny.

We're both here

at the same time.
- Destiny.

- So, you know.
- How about this.

How about this?

You know, come out there tomorrow.

We will let you know then
what we decide we're gonna do.

'Cause I really don't know.

I mean, we gotta talk about
it and we'll let you know.

- Great.

- Where are we, guys?

Look, there's a trailer.

You think people live in there?

- [Jonah] I've heard, Jocelyn,
that out in these woods

that there is a whole
bunch of weird structures

and buildings and all
kinds of stuff out here.

I think it was some
kind of a hippie commune

or something like that.

That's what I've heard.

- What you call those.
are those wanderers.

What are they, gypsies?
- Squatters.

- Gypsies.
- (indistinct) white girl.

- Gypsies are squatters.
- Not all those

wanderer are lost.

- There's no like railing guys.

So I really, I'm terrified, I'm gonna,

like, fall off the side of it.
- Please, both hands

on the wheels, Jocelyn.
- I'm terrified.

- Both fucking hands on the-

Don't you dare.
- I am so scared right now.

- Jocelyn, careful
- Jocelyn, just look

straight ahead.
- Why am I driving, Jonah?

You should be driving.
- Jocelyn.

- Careful.
- I didn't know it was

gonna be like this.
- Both fucking

hands on the wheel.

- [Jonah] This is very, very sketchy.

This whole thing.
- We're gonna have to burn 'em

or send up smoke signals to
get back home at this point.

- [Jocelyn] Babe, can
you do the navigation

and stop filming, okay?
- Both hands on the wheel.

- Stop doing it for the blog.
- I don't-

- I think we're here.
- We made it, Jocelyn,

can you believe it?
- We made it.

- [Jonah] Calm down Charlie,
it's okay down there.

Calm down.

And look at that thing.

Look at that place.

- Where are we?

Why don't we just rent a house to stay in?

- [Jonah] But we're doing, Jocelyn,

the whole thing is the 48 hour challenge.

I mean, guys, do you wanna do

a 48 hour challenge in a cabin?

I mean, is there

anything fun about that?
- Not really, but you know,

the cabin is like-
- Do you want a real answer?

- [Jonah] Yeah, seriously answer it.

Is that really what you wanna do?

- I would love a shower.

- Okay.
- Ooh, guys.

Say hi to my social media.
- Hi!

- Hello.
- Aahhh!

- Hello, we're going out to the woods.

- The woods, y'all.
- Calm down Charlie.

It's all right.

You get Charlie,
- Oh, wait.

- I can't do it yet.
- Okay, all right, gotcha.

Gotcha.
- Oh man.

- [Eugene] Man, they look pissed.

- [Jocelyn] Hi, guys.

Thank you for coming.
- Okay, all right.

- Yeah.
- You said it was

gonna be eight o'clock, you guys are late.

- Really?

- Well, we're influencers.

- Here we go.

- Okay.

Off you go (indistinct).
- Bringing all this

stuff out here, Jocelyn.
- I know, I know.

- Seriously.
- Thank you, Eugene.

Oh, you got Charlie,
- Here, yeah.

- too, okay?
- Even the dog, man, too much.

- Watch Charlie down there.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
(Jocelyn laughs)

- [Dacia] Yeah, don't drop anything.

- Here, this is Jonah's.

- What are you doing?
- The fuck is-

- Saga?

- Oh.
- Oh.

- [Jocelyn] Guys, who is this person?

- [Jonah] You guys really
did show up out here,

I didn't think it was gonna happen.

- (gasps) Are you kidding?
- Oh, yeah.

- Come on.

- We've been waiting for this trip.

- That's right.

We're losing precious light.

- [Jonah] Yeah, I know.

I mean, I can't believe,
- I did kills first,

oh, jeez, Eugene.
- and I got carry all

y'all stuff, right?
- Eugene,

this is like a daggone on gag.
- He's so strong.

- Let's get started, come on.

We gotta move.

We're losing light.

- [Jonah] Do you really think we should

go with these guys, Dacia?

Do you think it's smart?
- I never thought

we should go with these guys.

They broke into our hotel room.

- [Jonah] What about you, Eugene?

What do you think?
- Thanks, sweetheart.

- What do you think?
- If they ain't carrying shit,

fuck 'em, let's leave them.

- [Jonah] Jocelyn. What do you-

Jocelyn?

- [Eugene] I can't see nothing.

(Jocelyn giggling)
- Jocelyn?

- Hi, there.

- What's going on over here?

- I'm Angelo, but you
can call me Angel Eyes.

I'll be your guide and
leading you through your trip.

- Ooh, look at his eyes.

- [Eugene] Carry some of
this stuff, Mr. Guide?

- They're dreamy. (laughs)
(Angelo laughs)

Guys, do you like Angel Eyes?

Let us know in the comments below.

- [Jonah] So that's, you
have a thing for cowboys.

That's why we've been watching

all those weird Westerns.
- Aah. (laughs)

- I like men in uniform, what can I say?

- See, this over here is a bush.

Have a weed.

I don't know what kind
of weed it is though.

Oh, oh, we have a couple
rocks here on the way down.

Just watch your footings. (laughs)

Wouldn't want you to fall.

Over here, we got some vines.

Ah.

Oh, nuts.

Nature's best friend.

Wood nuts.

- Babe, Eugene, like,
disappeared with Charlie.

- I know.

Yeah, we have a lot of stuff
he's carrying though, so-

- Looks like you guys are tired

of tagging along with us already, huh?

Oh, what tarnation is that?

- What's that?
(indistinct yelling)

- Who's here?

- Jocelyn, do you think
they're the witches?

- I don't know.

I think their like some
kind of animals right now.

(group imitates animal sounds)

- You mock us,
- Are you on drugs?

- it won't go well.
- Are you guys using drugs?

- No.
- No.

- No?
- No.

- [Jocelyn] Did you eat the cactuses?

- [Jonah] Yeah.

- Where's the witches?
(meditating woman laughs)

You said you where the witches are?

(meditating group moans)

Jonah, she's scaring me.
- (indistinct) Jocelyn,

come on, come on, come on.
- I think she's

trying to posses me.
- (indistinct)

- She's a witch, she's a witch.

- Come on, come on,
(Jocelyn screams)

let's go, come on.
- Get her, get her.

- Go.

- [Jonah] So, which way is
it to the bleeding tree?

- That way.

- This way, there.
- No, no, there, no.

- Everywhere. (laughs)

- [Jonah] Jocelyn, I think we better go.

This is, I don't know.
- That was crazy.

- Yeah, I don't

know about that.
- You will be punished!

- What?
- You will be punished.

- What?
- You're on sacred land,

and you will be punished.
- What are you saying?

- All right, let's go,

- We're gonna go.
- let's go, Jocelyn.

- So weird.
- Come on, let's go.

- I really, is that bad luck?
- Okay, all right then, guys.

- Eugene, Eugene.
- What?

- Eugene, take the camera.

Film me and I'll show you
how you build a tent, okay?

I'll show you how to do it.
- Yeah, because you're

an expert at this, okay.
- Okay, watch, okay.

You take this fucking thing,

and why are you guys sitting down?

Come on, you take this
fucking thing like this.

Take it like this,

and you stake it into the
fucking ground like this.

You stake it to fucki- goddammit.

- Good job, babe.
- You know, Jocelyn,

we've never done this before.

We've never gone fucking camping.

I don't know how to fucking
do the goddamn tent.

- You just put the sticks in the hole.

- There's no sticks, it's like

connected or something.

- Is this an old tent?
- It's just a tent.

- It's brand new.
- Why is everything

already together?

- I really, really, it's
gonna be real useful.

- Yeah.
- Jonah, come back here.

Where are we gonna sleep?

Come on, baby.

You're almost there.
- I told you,

I can't put the fucking thing
together, you fucking bitch.

Now, get over here and fucking help me.

- [Eugene] Goddamn.

- You're upsetting Charlie, Jonah.

- Charlie, I need fucking help.

Will someone fucking help
me put the tent together,

for fuck's sake!

Hey guys, well, we have just
finished setting up the tent,

and Jocelyn, it was
absolutely simple, right?

- I mean-
- It took forever.

- Yeah, and you got really angry.

- Now I can't use this take, okay?

We have to do it again.

We cannot put me on there
getting angry, okay?

- Okay.
- So, play along, okay?

- [Jocelyn] All right.

- Shhhh.
- You know, Jocelyn,

let me explain the whole thing, it was

supposed to be you, me, Eugene, and Dacia.

We only need Eugene to film.

We only need him to
hold the fucking camera.

You know why we needed Dacia?

For her views, for her followers.

And we're stuck with all this thing.

It's a whole fucking circus.

And now there's all
these other people here

traipsing around with
us, this is bullshit!

It was supposed to be just
us doing this, honestly.

- I know, I know, don't
worry, it'll be okay.

We'll get a lot of views, all right?

And if you wanna hook up,

we could just like go in the
woods somewhere, you know?

- Where are we gonna in the woods.

Do you wanna go in the bush
- Yeah.

and get, like, get ticks in your bush?

- Oh, lots of followers, huh?
(indistinct arguing)

- Well, if you're not a follower yet,

go ahead and click like and subscribe,

'cause I'm gonna be doing
my own thing on this trip,

'cause I'm kind of a big deal.

- I don't know.

He looks creepy, though.

- [Eugene] I don't know, that's-

- [Dacia] Is that a plastic gun?

- [Jocelyn] Is that a witch?

- Get down.
(group screams)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Baby, baby, baby, baby!

- Stay the fuck extinct.

This is a pterodactyl.

Those prehistoric flying
fuckers making a comeback

because of all this hocus pocus shit

going on in these woods.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, come this way because
you're be better in our light

for our blog.
- Yeah, right here,

right here.
- What?

- What is your name?

What is your name?

- My name's Waylon, and I'm back here

tryin', what?
- Right over here, Waylon,

right over here.

Right over here, Waylon.
- Man, what the?

- I don't know.

You sure about this lighting?
- Yeah, looks good.

I don't know if that's a good
- Yeah.

- But, yeah, you know what?

It doesn't even matter

because-
- You're on here right now.

You're talking to millions of people.

Tell us about yourself.
- Yes, yes.

- Yeah.
- What's your social media?

- Social what?

- You know, where we can find you online?

- Are you really talking

about that right now?
- Online?

- [Jonah] You know, like a profile.

- What is she doin', man?

- I must let you know there
is a taser in my left bosom,

and I would love to use it on you.

- Oh, I'm so shocked, lady.

It's a good one, just-
- All right, stop filming him,

stop filming him.
- Okay, okay.

- You do not have
- It don't always-

my permission to film him.
- Yeah, we don't

have permission for him.
- Get him off your camera.

- Guns right up

your ass, right?
- You are racist.

- Racist for what?
- You're gonna help me

shove it up his ass?

- Yeah.
- Going up his ass.

- Yeah, yeah, up the ass.
(indistinct loud talking)

- I got my show.

I think y'all should leave.

- No,
- Yeah, that's it.

- we're going this way, you go that way.

Fuck off.

- Goodbye.
- That way,

back that way.
- Yeah.

- I want nothing

to do with do with y'all.
- Don't go back to where

you came from, come on guys, let's go.

- There are some weird
people in these woods.

- Yeah, let's get the

fuck out of here.
- Like, these people are nuts.

Alright, Jonah, look
what we got over here.

- [Jonah] You found it.

- I found it!
- The ribbon.

- One of Gasper's famous ribbons.

Okay, guys, this is the story.

Gasper was vlogging in the woods,

and he would tie these
ribbons up to find his way.

Except,

some guy was following him

as he said in his vlog,
and then he fell down,

and poof, never heard from him again.

- Oh, look, there's a washroom
- Washroom there.

there's a washroom right there,
right there, right there.

- Of course, it's a fucking washroom.

- Please don't be afraid.

I'm just looking for help.

- You think we look like
people that can help you?

- You look like nice people.

- What do you need?

Because our friend just
left and he's gonna be back,

so make it fast.

- I'm not a bad person.

In fact, I'm looking for my girl out here.

She's been gone and I had a
lead that she was out here,

so I've been searching, but it's too late

to find anything else today.

So, if you could find in your
heart to trust a stranger,

I promise I'll make it up to you.

- [Jocelyn] Oh, he seems sweet.

- Hmm.

- Oh, girls, who is this?

- Sir?

My name is Conrad,

and I was just telling them

that I'm kind of stuck
out here for the night,

and I wanted to see if I could
share the fire with you guys,

just for tonight.

- I don't think that's a-

no, no, no, no, no.

That's not-

- I don't see why not.

I mean, why don't we
just bring him back over

to the camp and then we can decide there.

I don't think it's a definite no.

- Girls, it's not a good idea.

No.

- Darling, bless you.

I promise you'll see I'm okay.

Thank you for this.

- See, doesn't it feel good

to do good deeds?
- Are you fucking high?

- [Jonah] How do you feel like it's going?

- Well, all that I've seen
is a bunch of bickering.

- Exactly, we're looking for witches,

and I think the only witch

we found so far is your girlfriend.

- Now what?
- Here we are.

- Oh, it's just old man Mackenzie,

he tried to show me his log.

I found a lost person, Conrad.

He just needed some help, some food,

and I said he could come sit with us

at the tent for a little bit.

- [Jonah] Jocelyn, more people?

Do we really need more people here?

We have not gotten anything
that we needed done.

We have so much stuff we have to film.

We have no idea who this is.

- I know, but he needed our help.

And he's actually looking
for his girlfriend.

And maybe we can help him find her.

I mean, we talked to Meredith
who lost her brother,

and I just feel like if
we could help him, then?

- [Jonah] Can we film you, sir?

- Jonah!

- [Jonah] Look, okay, listen, okay.

He can stay here just tonight.

That's it.

And then you gotta go.

We have a lot to do tomorrow, Jocelyn.

He cannot tag along.

- Of course.

All right guys, we're gonna
tell some ghost stories.

- Did you hear the one about
the group of bird watchers that

was killed by Bigfoot
in woods just like this?

- Are those, uh,

caramel peanuts you got there?

- Oh, these.

No, they're just regular salted peanuts.

Want some?

- Nah, thank you.

- Be careful.

Some people are allergic to nuts.

- Do you guys, I know, I see
you guys are still recording.

You always document everything you do?

- [Jocelyn] Yeah, especially eating.

Those videos get a lot of views.

- And cat videos, too.

Sorry Charlie.

- [Jonah] And, don't worry,
we're not gonna keep it,

but we just wanna know exactly, you know,

a little bit more about
why you're out here

and what you're doing here.

- You just wanna make sure if I hurt you,

you have some good footage
of me first, I get it.

- [Jonah] No, not at all.

- It's fine.
- No.

- But I'm not gonna be
much for good footage,

but I can tell you a bit more.

I owe you all that.

(creepy music)

Me and my girlfriend were having,

we haven't been doing very
well, and we got in a fight.

It was a misunderstanding
and she was really hurt.

And she took off out
here with some friends,

and I haven't heard from her.

- Did you guys hear about the one about

this crazy real estate guy in New York.

He just, he went psycho
and killed his boss

and just ripped his intestines
out through his ass, and-

- Eugene.
- What?

- Stop.
(creepy music continues)

That's it.

Stop!
- What is your problem, man?

- This is stupid.

We're making a video with somebody's name

we can't mention, obviously.

It's screwing everything up.

This is a waste of time.

Unless we're gonna do something
more interesting, I'm out.

- Man.
- That's it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

I have got one more ghost story.

A legend.

The legend of Suicide Sandy.

The most epic ghost of all.

When you call Suicide Sandy
in a mirror three times,

her image will appear.
(creepy music continues)

Dacia, would you do the honors?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Well, if I didn't know you any better,

I'd think you were trying to
go ahead and get me cursed.

- Come on, you got this, baby.
- Maybe I will.

- I'll do it.
- You got this.

- I'm not afraid.

- I'm more interested.

- I am not, I don't know
what y'all looking at.

I'm not afraid.

Suicide Sandy.

Suicide Sandy.

Suicide Sandy.

See, oh, fuck, shit.
- Oh, shit!

- Who's that?
(creepy music continues)

- Whoa, what the hell?

- Dacia, Dacia, are you all right?

- No, are you okay?

Did you see that?
- I think I saw something.

I don't know what

the fuck that was?
- It was so scary.

- Hey, remove your hands
off my boyfriend, please.

- Oh my God.
- What was that, Conrad?

Did you scare away the spirit?

- I just wanted to see your video.

- Hi, guys.

That was crazy.

It was the best footage

we've gotten.
- We got the whole trip.

Yeah, since we got the whole time with-

- What the fuck was that?

Did anyone else see that?

- Yeah, I saw it.

That was-
- Well, thank God

for our new friend Conrad over there.

I don't know what it was,
but he scared it away.

- Maybe it was his girlfriend.

- You shouldn't be messing
around calling spirits like that.

Mirror magic, not out here.
(creepy music continues)

You called on something
and something came.

- Well, we have mace
and maybe if our guide

would be a little bit more
in tune with the occult,

he knows we do those kind of videos,

we would've been a little bit better off.

- You might want to think more

about protecting yourselves
on a broader level

with these kind of videos you're shooting.

- He's right.

I don't think we should shoot
scary videos anymore, guys.

- Well, Conrad, it was
really nice to meet you

and Dacia's very thankful
that you saved her.

And thanks again and have a good night.

- Yeah, have a great

night, guys.
- Have a good night.

- And I hope that Jonah goes to bed now

because if he touches Dacia again,

I'm going to slap him in the face.

That's right, yes.
- I'm going to bed.

- And you, too, Dacia.

Everyone go to bed.
- Literally.

- All right guys, we're just gonna wrap

this video up right now with me here

by myself signing off, Jocelyn.

Oh, you wanna be on the video?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Listen,

if I don't get to say goodbye,

here's what I promised.

Thank you, look at me.
(creepy music intensifies)

Thank you for being selfless and kind.

May you find what you're
looking for out here.

And if you find its owner,

tell her that I'm coming
for her and that I'm sorry.

And give this back to her.

You promise?

- I promise.
(creepy music continues)

- What was that?
- I don't know,

it's so beautiful.

Hey guys, it's me.

I can't sleep.

All right.

Look at this bitch.
(Conrad humming)

She's just, like, on top of me.

She's hitting on my boyfriend.

I can't take it.

And then I have Eugene,
he's like, he's farting,

and the whole tent is shaking.
(Conrad continues humming)

Jonah, forget about Jonah.

I'm so mad at him right now.

But look at this necklace I got.

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm really thinking
about Conrad right now.

My whole body feels tingly.

What do you guys think?

Do you think Conrad is hot?
(Conrad continues humming)

I'm gonna put a poll up
on my community channel.

Let me know if you think
we should bang Conrad

or if you'd wanna bang Conrad.

I don't know guys.

I'm just, I haven't been sleeping.

I'm losing my mind.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodnight.

- [Jonah] Jocelyn, Jocelyn, come on,

- Stop!
- wake up.

- Ow.
- Come on, we gotta go.

Guys, get up, we got

- Why are you so loud?
- a lot of filming to do.

- Homie, just shut up, man.
- Guys, you wanted

to come along with us.

Wake up out there.
- What's that noise?

- [Jonah] Wake up.

Jocelyn-
- Shut your happy ass up.

We're trying to sleep in here.

I'm not shutting my happy ass up.

We didn't film much of
anything really that good.

We need to get good footage,
Jocelyn, please, please,

please get up, get up, get up.
- Stop up being annoying.

Oh my god.
- Come on.

Get up.
- Stop.

- And you know the whole thing
with you and that Conrad,

the necklace thing, I think you

gotta thing for that bald man.

- I like tattoos.

- I'm tired of you hitting on other guys.

- Don't fight with me,
stop filming right now.

- I'm not gonna stop filming, I'm upset.

- I'm not okay with this.

- You know, I'm trying
to get a good thing.

We're having all our own problems

and you keep on adding to it.

It's bullshit.

- There are other people here
and now they're watching us.

- Yeah, so I can get

some sleep.
- I have had enough of you,

Jonah, stop filming me.

You're not using this footage, okay?

- I'll do whatever I want.
- You're just trying

to make me look bad so you
can get followers, all right.

I am gonna go film solo.

- You love her, go after her, man.

- Guys, you probably caused all this.

- I don't love you!
- Go to sleep!

- You woke us up.

(Eugene laughs)
- Dammit.

- Okay.

Oh, my goodness, guys.

Oh, we are in the woods by ourself.

And I'm getting really dirty.

Why?

Because I think it's done
between Jocelyn and Jonah.

I just, I can't do it anymore, all right?

He took this weekend
that was supposed to be

a romantic getaway for just me and him,

and invited these idiots who,

I really do think he
is attracted to Dacia.

Dacia, whatever the
hell her name is, okay.

She is a vapid-

I shouldn't even say it.

I can't even say it 'cause
my mother would kill me.

- Hi.

- Hi, are are you okay?

- Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

- I mean, you're just by yourself.

Are you?

- If I'm alone, does
that mean I'm not okay?

- I don't know, I mean, we're
just, I guess, I don't know.

- That must mean you're not okay either.

Is that what why you're sad?

- Yeah, I mean, I just, I'm
actually filming right now.

I don't know if that's okay.
- Oh, yeah.

- (laughs) I have a large following online

and we just, we shoot videos together.

I mean, me and my boyfriend.

- Oh.

I'm part of a nature group.

I'm taking samples right now.

We study the land.

- Cool.

Wow, that's awesome.

I just, I feel like me and you
have, like, a similar vibe.

- Come with me.

- Okay, all right, well-
- You can help me here.

- I could help you, yeah.

- I love meeting new people,
especially while I'm working.

- Yeah.
- And I'll cheer you up, too.

- Wow, all right, guys,
should we go, go with,

how do I say your name again?

- Lucia.
- Lucia.

Should we go with Lucia?

I think we should.

(Lucia giggles)

Hey guys, me and Lucia here, my new BFF.

She is going to show me
her nuts and berries.

- Oh, come.
- Yes!

- Come my darling, let's go.

- Oh wait, the camera.

- Oh.
- I almost forgot them.

Oh my goodness.

- There you go.

Thank- what is this?

- It's the god San Pedro.

Here's your bucket.

- What's that for?

- Oh,

drink it darling.

(Jocelyn gags)

You'll feel it working through you.

Promise.
(Jocelyn coughs)

You better drink.
(Jocelyn gags)

Yes, that's right.

That's right.

We call this getting well.

More, more.
(Jocelyn gags)

Out.
(Jocelyn pants)

Better soon.
- Oh, I feel so much better.

You feel better for years and years.

(Jocelyn pants)

Oh, good.

- Oh my God, I feel like my
insides are on the outside.

- And she has gotten well.
(birds chirp)

All of you should try it too.

Feel unending freedom.

Remember this moment,

the moment you felt truly
one with everything.

Creation.
- Oh yeah.

- Oh.
- Oh, creation!

(Jocelyn cries)
- You are so beautiful.

I wish you could see
how beautiful you are.

- I'm out here pretty much trying to see

anything interesting I can find.

- [Eugene] Hey, she's here.

- Hi, baby.
- Oh,

hi, Jocelyn.
(Jocelyn giggles)

How you doing?

- I'm good, look who I brought.

- [Jonah] Hey.

- I'm taking Jocelyn to
meet my nature group.

- Ooh.

- She wanted to see if any
of you wanted to come too.

- No, I don't wanna come.

Jocelyn, we are out here doing

a documentary on a specific subject.

The bleeding tree, the guy
went missing, all that.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Fucking around here?

What is this?
- I'm just trying

some magical cactus juice.
- Come here.

What the fuck are you doing?

Trying magical cactus juice?
- Yes.

- What the fuck is this bullshit, Jocelyn.

We came out here to do this documentary.

Not all this bullshit.

We have not gotten anything.

And you're here fu- What?

Are you drunk?

Are you on drugs?
- It opens your heart chakra.

- Yeah, it's, you-
- You need some.

Come with us.

- I don't, I'm not fucking
coming with you, okay?

We are here to do a specific thing.

Not fuck around and do drugs, okay.

I thought you didn't do drugs.

What are you doing?

This is not the person I know.
- It isn't drugs, it's nature.

It's natural.
- Jocelyn, you are

not the person I knew.

You're not the fucking person I knew.

- Look, maybe we can
find more about that guy,

what he was doing here.

Maybe his girlfriend is there.

- I don't give a fuck
about any of that, okay?

- We can solve the mystery.
- I'm not going-

You just wanna go to
that group and have drugs

and fuck around, probably dance,
'cause that's all you like.

Probably sleep with some weird people,

right?
- Look, you can't

accuse me of sleeping with people anymore.

It's just not fair.

That's all you-

Eugene, Eugene, why are
you filming right now?

- [Eugene] 'Cause it's good, that's why.

- Yeah, you know, Eugene, you're
not putting any of this on

your fucking stupid channel.
- Yeah.

- Listen, guys, I'm so

sick of this.
- I'm putting this

on y'all channel.
- I did not come out

here for drama.

I came here to film and I'm going

to the bleeding tree at noon

and I'm taking Eugene with me.

Just let them

figure this shit out.
- No, no.

Eugene, Eugene.

You're not going anywhere.
- No.

I need you.
- No, I need fucking you-

- No, I need you to film me.
- No, no, Eugene,

I fucking need you.
- You brought the neanderthal.

- Join us, come with.

- Join you where?
- Where are we going?

- We're going to a camp.
- Are you part of the group

we're looking for?

- Oh, it's much more fun over there.

- It's much more fun, come on.

- Let's have a party.
- Come with us.

- Jocelyn, if you leave,
you're not fucking coming back.

- Ooh.

- Yeah, seriously.
- Suit yourselves.

- Oh, so you're making
- Wow.

- a fucking choice then?
- Let's go to the party,

gentlemen, shall we?
- Come on.

- Made your fucking choice, Jocelyn.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go.

- (sighs) Wow.

The sky is spinning.

- Isn't it wonderful?

- Oh, I don't feel too great.

- Oh, come meet my friends.

- But are they gonna judge me,

or just?
- Judge you?

Why would they ever do that?

- Because we drank

the cactus stuff.
(Lucia laughs)

- Come, dear, come.

- Lucia.

Well, now there you are.

- This is Jocelyn.

She's a storyteller online.

- [Jocelyn] Hi.

Is it okay if I film?

- Well, that's different,
but we like different here.

Well, you know Lucia, and I'm Malora,

and, oh, this is Giselle.

She's our resident mama
bear. (imitates roaring)

And everyone's favorite
brother and sister duo,

Jasmine and Gabe.

- [Malora] Ugh.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Right on cue.

Also, the star of this camp
and every camp is Marlow.

He's our lone wolf pup.

Amazing.

Truly.

Watch that bite though.

- Jocelyn is with a group.

They're making a movie about the legends

and ghost stores of the woods.

- Oh, well.

I do so like when people
talk about these woods.

- [Lucia] Yes.

- Yeah.

Giselle loves hide and go seek.

- I love hide and go seek.

- She lost her virginity a while ago.

She's been looking for it for a long time.

- I'm not gonna find it though.

- Yeah.

Well, enjoy yourselves.

Have fun.

You're in for a treat.

- All right, you ready, Lucia?

- Yes.

- Hi, guys.

We're at the camp with my new BFFer.

Lucia's introducing me to her family,

and she is letting me
interview them for the vlog.

- I'd say we should start
with Jasmine and Gabe.

- All right.

- They'll be the most open.

- So, you said

there was a guy?
- Yes.

Oh, who is it?
- This is Marlow.

This is Marlow.

- Hello.
- He's Malora's sex slave.

- And more like a erotic assistant, yes.

- Yeah.

So, Marlow, how long have you lived here?

- Marlow is American name.

I'm from USSR.

My name is Yourgei Jegmeov.

It is traditional

name from Moldova.
- Jackmeoff.

Jackmeoff.
- Okay.

That does sound weird, guys,
but we're not censoring it,

'cause that's actually his real name.

- Yes.
- It's a beautiful name.

- Oh, so you are with Malora?

- Yes, I am with Malora
and others too, yes.

- Oh, that's great.

So, is that like polyamorous situation?

- We just say sometimes we
have sex whenever we feel cold.

- Oh, um-

- It is way to preserve energy

and to stay warm during
the cold nights, yes.

- And how long have you
lived in these woods?

- I moved here from USSR.

Do you know what is, USSR?

It was Russia before they
found the drugs and sex.

And I've lived here since 1979.

- Uh-huh.

In these woods?

- Yes, so much, in this house.

- Wow.
- Yes.

- Wow.

And the brother and sister
that are sleeping together,

do you sleep with them, too?

- Well, you know, back when
Moldova, people always tell,

oh, you sleep with sister,
you're white trash,

but I always tell them we are in love.

It's okay.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Yourgei Jackmeoff from the woods.

- Jegmeov, please.

- Yourgei Jegmeov, in the woods

with me, Jocelyn here.

Do you have social media
you wanna shout out?

- What is social media?

- [Lucia] Oh, don't worry about it.

- Okay.

- Okay.

All right, guys.

This is Amu.

He's the very most fun.

- Wow, you're so big.

Do you work out?

- I do what I can when I can, sweetheart.

- All right.

How long have you lived in the woods?

- In the woods?

I've been here since I lost
my little puppy, Poopsy?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Yes, I was very close to Poopsy.

The Bigfoot man took Poopsy away from me.

And I've been in this woods waiting

until I catch up with
the Bigfoot man again.

Because I will kill the Bigfoot man.

- Because-
- And you will.

- Oh, yes, I will, sweetheart.

Definitely.

- What does Amu mean?

Is there a meaning to the name Amu?

- Do you really want to know?

- Yeah.

- This is hammer.

(Lucia snorts)

- This is, tell them how to braid.

Remember, we have to talk to the camera.

- Oh, I imagine you know the gist of it.

(Jocelyn laughs)

- She is amazing.

I could just stay here forever.

- Or you could stay for dinner.

- Oh, I really, really
wish I could Malora,

but I have to get back to my camp.

My friends are waiting for me.

- The first time I

inhaled, consumed the cactus,

sat in a trance for 24 hours sitting,

staring, same place in the woods.

Stock still, I was cleansed.

I lost all of my,

all of my ugliness.

- And see how pretty

she is now?
- And my spiritual way,

I came out and I was different.

- Who even made the woods.

This shit is so stupid.

- [Angelo] Is this the bleeding tree?

- Could those shoes be any louder?

- [Angelo] Oh, it's my spurs.

- Oh, shit.
- Wow.

- Hold it.

Fucking hold this.
- All right.

- Can you handle this?

- [Angelo] Yes'm.

- Okay.

Oh, shit!

Okay.

Fucking ridiculous.

Okay, fuck.

Do I look okay?

- You look-
- Do I fucking look okay?

Did I stutter?

- Magnificent, babe.
- Jesus.

- Do not ever call me that again.

Are you rolling?

- Rolling.
- Okay, are you sure?

Do not drop the camera.

Fucking camera.

I would do this, but I need both my hands.

- [Angelo] You should have
shown me what to press.

- You should, is it,
is it fucking rolling?

Flip it.

Let me see it.

Don't do that.

- Do you see light?
- Don't do that.

Are you fucking wi-

- Hey guys, I am so excited.

This is Dacia Alexy
here and I'm about to do

the bleeding tree sap suck challenge.

I love you guys so much.

I know that I'm not filming.

I have this like, really
cute, amazing new cameraman.

You guys are gonna love him.

But I am here and I'm
going to stab this tree,

chug down the sap and see if there

is anything to this legend or not.

Who is excited?

Let's get bloody, bitches.

Okay.

Whoo!

(Dacia sighs)

(Dacia grunts)

Oh fuck, oh fuck, it's working.

Oh fuck, okay.
- Oh.

Are you gonna smell that?

(Dacia gasps)

- Oh, shit.

- Wait, that does-

Like that doesn't taste that bad.

Wait, that doesn't taste bad.

Hold the fucking boat.

- [Angelo] What the hell?

- Okay, you can cut.

That's fucking enough.

- [Angelo] You're licking that shit.

(Dacia gasps)

(Dacia yells)

(Dacia gurgles)

(Dacia gasps)

- Dacia.

Dacia, are you okay?

What are you doing?
- Drink this up.

- What?

Drink this up.
(Angelo gasps)

Drink this up.

Drink it!
- Crazy bitch!

What are you doing?

Stop it.

Stop.

Oh, God.

Hey, you get up.

Oh, shit.

Merrick, Merrick!

Dacia?

Dacia!

Dammit!

Merrick!

Get back up and choke me again.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

What am I gonna do?

Merrick?

I gotta get back.

- [Jonah] Then what do
I do to get her back?

What do I do

to make her happy?
- I don't know.

Okay, look, why don't we just focus on

getting the last of this footage done

before the night is over, and you know,

- No, why don't you focus
- you get to-

on fucking helping me.

Focus on me,
- I am helping you,

goddamit.

- Come here, come here.
- I'ma squeeze 'em.

Show your boobs.
- You know what?

- Oh, Eugene, stop it.
- You know what?

- [Jonah] Eugene, fuck this.

- Yeah, you better go on.
- Yeah, come on, fuck this,

Eugene, let's go, okay?
- Yeah, you better.

- Enough of this.
- Man.

- [Jonah] Angel Eyes?

What the?

What is this shit all over your face?

- Tree, uh, tree, actually, I think.

The bleeding tree trunk.

- Ew, tree acts, remember what
you're fucking talking about?

- That girl, Dacia, she drank
from the bleeding tree trunk.

Then she went batshit crazy.

- What?

Batshit crazy?

Are are you on drugs?

Are you cracking up out here?

- I'm trying to tell you she drank

from the bleeding tree trunk.

I mean, she's evil.

I mean, she was so strung-
- Did you drug her?

Did you fucking drug her?

- I carried her over here.
- Where is she?

Where'd you put her?
- She's asleep.

- Where is-
- She's passed out.

- Dacia, Dacia.

Are you, did he, did he?
- Oh man.

- [Jonah] Did he do something
to you, Dacia, are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Dacia.

What is going on?

Are you all right?

- I'm great.

Come on, come on.

You're telling me you found the

bleeding tree?
- I found it.

- You found it?
- And he thought

I was possessed, but I'm not possessed.

- You know what?
- I did it all for the subs.

- Are you on drugs?

- No.

- I can show it to you.

- Wait, you'll show me where the tree is,

- I'll show it to you.
- and I can get

the video from my channel?

- Maybe if you're nice to me.
- Okay, all right, let's go.

Come on, let's show me it,

take me there.
- Now, Dacia, don't be givin'-

- You know what?
- Y'all have fun with that.

- [Jonah] I'm gonna drink the tree.

- I'm leaving first light in the morning.

I think you should go, too.

There's some severely
evil shit going on here,

and it's just getting worse.

- [Lloyd] We are looking for,

oh my God.
- Oh, ho, ho.

Look at those beautiful women.

- [Merrick] Hello, ladies.

How are we doing?

- [Lloyd] That is the one
they're looking for, audience.

- You look beautiful.
- Hi.

- So, what are you girls doing
in this neck of the woods?

- Well, we have a big party tonight

and we would love for you fellas to come.

- It's a really big party.

- It's gonna be very
hard to turn this down.

Lloyd, what do you think?

- [Lloyd] I'm thinking
it's looking pretty good.

- You should come with us.

- You should come.
- We were out here looking

for the blue eye boobies, though, so.

- Well,
- We have them.

- Here we are.

- [Merrick] Oh, very nice.

- You a little more
interested in something else?

- What?
- Oh man, that's what

- There you go.
- I'm looking for.

- Take a good look.
- Let me, oh,

those are so huge.

You wanna see?
- Let me take a look.

Oh, great stuff.
- Finally.

- So, come with us.
- You can come, it's okay.

- Come, it's a party.
- We can't disappoint

our viewers.
- No, you do not

want to disappoint.
- Come, to the party.

- Come to the party.

- Please, please, please.
- Remember to like and

subscribe to

blue-eyed boobies.
- Come to the party.

- Come on, boys.
- Come.

- You won't be disappointed.
- Come to the party.

- Blue- eyed boobies.
- Come to the party.

- Boobies.

- Hey guys, what's up?

It's your boy Flash Dash here.

Came here in my brand new red Tesla.

You know what I love more
than the environment?

And which I obviously protect
with my red Tesla here,

'cause it's electric, I love these woods,

but I love canceling people.

Only thing better than
protecting the environment.

So, who wants to see some
people get canceled today?

Let's go cancel some people's asses.

All right, let's go.

- Well guys, you guys
are not gonna believe it.

Dacia has told me that
she has found, get this,

the bleeding tree.
- I found it.

- Yes,
- I did it.

- we found the bleeding tree.
- I did it.

- Oh, and we are gonna get

some great-
- We're almost there.

- And we're gonna get
some great video of it,

so I'm just gonna set this up.

- Oh, get up to the tree.
- Guys,

we've seen the tree.

- Oh.
- Oh.

I don't think I can, I
can't use any of this, guys.

- Yes, you can.
- One night with Jonah, oh.

Oh, feel my breasts.

Feel my breasts, you like 'em,

you like my boobies?
- I like them all, Jonah.

(Jonah moans)
- Holy shit, guys,

you won't believe
(Jonah and Dacia chattering)

what I just stumbled into.

I just saw Jonah with Dacia
and he's cheating on Jocelyn.

That's so fucked up.
- You look good.

(Dacia moans)
(Jonah moans)

(Jonah moans)
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, my duration sucks!

Oh, oh.
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, oh.

- Oh, oh.
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, oh.
- Feel.

- Keep rubbing.
- Oh, yes, take it.

(Jonah gags)
(Jonah coughs)

- She's a real plain Jane square bitch!

Keep it going.

Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, baby.

- Oh.
- Oh.

(Dacia moans)
Oh, my God.

(Dacia growls)
- Yeah, yeah.

- You will die a slow death.
- Really?

Oh, daddy.
- Do you feel it inside you?

- Yes, I do feel, I fucking feel baby.

(Jonah screams)
(Dacia screams)

Yes, finally finally something kinky!

(Dacia screams)
(Jonah yells)

- Glad you got what you needed.

- Years of therapy in one night.

(Jocelyn laughs)
- Oh, yes.

(Lucia laughs)
- What, what?

- It's the veil.

- Oh, wow.
- The veil to the spirit

realm.
- Oh, wow.

Look butterflies.
- That's all we needed.

(indistinct yelling)

(Jocelyn laughs)
(Lucia laughs)

- Oh, feel the joy.
(Jonah moaning)

- Wait, what's that?
- So tight.

- What's that?
(Jonah moaning)

- Dacia, you're so kinky. (moans)

(Jonah moans)

- Oh, yeah.

(Dacia moans)
(Jonah moans)

- Oh, Dacia.
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, you're so much better

than Jocelyn. (screams)
- (indistinct)

- You're actually kinky. (moans)

Keep rubbing my breast.
- Oh, just one?

(Jocelyn gags)
(Jonah moans)

- Rub it into my chest,

right there.
- I don't feel right.

- Let's go, let's go.

Let's go.
- Jocelyn wouldn't do anything

kinky like this.
- I can't hold it.

- She's a square bitch.

- This is not, this is-

Oh, look away.

Look away.
- I'm okay.

- Don't-

- That was my boyfriend.

Guys, that was my boyfriend.

- He doesn't deserve you,

he doesn't deserve you.
- I, I-

- Stay with me, there are

lot's of motherly figures.
- I'm taking the channel.

- We will help you forget,
we will help you forget.

(Jocelyn sobs)
And, and, and there's,

there, there, there-
- I hate men.

- There's so many-
- I hate men.

- Oh, oh,
(Dacia moans)

oh, mommy.

Oh, mommy, mommy lick my nipples, oh, oh.

(Dacia moans)
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I nipples. (moans)

- [Eugene] Lord, I'm getting tired of them

leaving me up here with this damn dog.

I'm about to just, boom.

(Angelo hums)
And as for this

motherfucker here, dressed
like a cowboy up on this

mountain and shit, making
a weird ass humming noise.

What the fuck are you doing, man?

Fuck you be looking

(Jocelyn sobs loudly)
at like that (indistinct)?

- Why?

- Why me?
- He was having sex

with that other girl from your group.

- Who, Dacia?

- Yes.

- It hurts, god.
- I imagine it's not allowed.

- Hell no, it ain't
allowed, what the hell?

- Stop filming.
- No one should.

I've tried to tell y'all there's something

wrong with that girl Dacia.

She's throwing up at the bleeding tree,

had her hand shoved down my throat

like some kind of sexual
masochistic bullshit.

- What the fuck?

You, too?

You fucked her, too?

Really?
- No, I didn't get nothing.

But I'm outta here.

- I want my money back.
- I don't need no more drama

or demons in my life.
- I want my money back.

- You're on your own, no refund.

- Sexual harassment!

- Let's go, too, we'll have a nice dinner.

We'll reassess things.
(Jocelyn sobs)

You don't wanna fight anymore.
- I'm coming, too.

You don't wanna fight.
- Oh.

- Well, he wasn't invited.

- Well.

- But, I suppose he can come.

- I think she'll like him.

- If she doesn't, he'll have to leave.

- Man, it's fucking freezing out here.

I should have grabbed my jacket
when I grabbed Jocelyn's.

Man.

- Hold on.

- Whoa, whoa,

what is problem with the little girl here?

She-
- She saw something terrible.

- It's horrible.

- [Yourgei] Well, what did you see?

Did someone get murdered?

- My boyfriend was cheating on me.

- [Yourgei] With a girl?

That is normal, maybe it was cold.

Have little girl

put a jacket on.
- Have some wine.

- Okay.

- Be accept of the wine.
- Mm.

- It's Mother Nature.
- All the way down.

- Mm, Eugene.

- [Eugene] What?

- Want some wine?
- Oh no, I'm good.

- You have it.
- But, who invited you anyway?

- Looking kinda cute there.
- Yeah, she's a

very good dancer.

Show him how you dance.

- Come on in.
- Okay.

- Mmmm, yeah.
- Mmm?

- Yes, good, good,

this is good, yes.
- Woo!

- [Yourgei] All right, all right,

bring out the African muscle man.

- Do you guys feel that, huh?

- Oh, yes.

- [Eugene] I feel the
gods looking down on me.

- Yes, he is.

Give him a little rub on his shoulders.

(Giselle laughs)
Make him feel good, and

- Come.
- welcome at home.

It's good, yes, right?

- Come on.

- Ooh. (laughs)
- Yeah.

See that?

I guess I can forget
about Dacia after all.

- Yeah, you don't need her, come.

(Jocelyn giggles)
- How's the wine?

- It's amazing.
- Mm.

- It's special for tonight.

- It tastes, like, really
dark and milky almost.

- [Eugene] Maybe you
should slow down with it.

- Um, no, it's so good.

I don't drink so much, guys.

It's just, I'm a lightweight.

This is my first drink.

- Enjoy it.

- [Eugene] I dunno.

- So, can I see that necklace of yours?

- Jasmine, is it, is it your necklace?

- No.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- Why do you wanna see it?

- Oh, well, you were
talking about it earlier.

I was just curious.

- Oh.

- No.
- Take another sip.

- Enjoy the wine.
- It's good for you.

- I'm just gonna lay down for a second.

- Wait, Jocelyn, don't
- Everything is-

- fall asleep.

I don't, I something
don't feel right here.

- I feel it's spinning again.

- Shh.
- Spinning?

Okay, we gotta-
- Be with us.

- Spinning.

- You're drinking bleeding tree sap.

- Mm.
- Which your friends

have activated.
- Oh.

- The ritual has begun.
(witches laugh and cheer)

- Okay, Jocelyn, we gotta go,
you drank some period blood.

- Yes, you're turn is now.
(witches continue cheering)

(Eugene protests indistinctly)

(witches moan)

- Subscribe.

- I think that we're lost.

- Oh. (laughs)

We have to do the moon ceremony.

We have to call her forth.

Shut up.

I feel it, it's coming.

- And what are we gonna
do again if we do find it?

- Let me do the talking.

(group chants)
- And I receive

the pterodactyl to sleep now (indistinct)

(women chant and moan)

Could this be them?

- What fuck are you doing here?

- Ma'am? I'm filming a show,

if you can just please excuse me.

- Oh, this is sacred ground.

So, you can get the hell out right now.

- Ma'am, I'm really busy and
if you ain't gonna be nice,

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

(chanting woman laughs)
- Is that a gun?

- Is that right?
- That's my artillery weapon.

- You know what?

I think you better leave right now.

- You know what.

- I'm gonna make you.

- Well, guess what?

I try to be a gentleman,
but I don't need this.

And if you ain't gone,
I'm fucking this whole

thing up right now.
- You're good, baby.

- But, yeah.
- You're good,

just keep going.

- Yeah, well, you know what?

It really don't matter because
I was gonna help y'all,

but now I ain't anymore.

- (laughs) Oh, boy.

- But, if you come find
me being nice next time,

maybe I will help you out.

- Ooh. (laughs)
- And if you decide

you need it, I got a couple

barely fucked chickens back at the coop.

- Go away, dude.
- Oooh.

Maybe he should come back. (laughs)

Ki-la-kan-la-la-ka-ley.

La-ka-ley, to-li-ki-la-ka-la-ma.

(chanting woman gasps and laughs)

Oh, I'm here.

Take me.

I'm your sacrifice. (laughs)

(chanting woman moans)

- I kinda wonder-

(chanting woman laughs)
- I want it, too.

- Merrick, hey, it's Angel Eyes.

Hey, I don't even care about the money.

I gotta get the hell out of here.

There's some severely weird
shit going around here, man.

There's that crazy girl,
she drank tree sap.

Oh, then a crazy man along
the way in this group,

I don't even know what's
going on with them, but-

what the hell was that?

You better get away from my car

or I'll beat the hell outta you.

You better get away from this car.

(spurs jingle)

(indistinct chatter)

- Are you ready to announce
Jonah and Dacia to the world?

- [Jonah] I don't, I don't, I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?

- I don't know if I can-
- Get your shit together.

Get it together.
- Oh, yes.

- Well, you better be ready
because we're here, honey.

(group chanting and muttering)

- Deleecius, goddess of memory plans.

You've finally arrived.

- Dacia.

So nice that you joined us.

Your friend Jocelyn's here as well.

She's getting ready for the party.

Well, actually.
- Where is she?

- I'm glad you asked.

She's had a couple drinks with, um-

Are you her boyfriend?

- Yeah, I'm her boyfriend.

Who was she having drinks with?

- Oh.

Oh, no.

- What, what, who's she with?

- Awkward.

Well, it seems that she
went and had lots of drinks.

Giggling, laughing, having
fun, drinking, eating,

with Eugene.

- Fuck that bitch.

You know, Dossy, Docelyn?

Uh, oh-
- Okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, I will get her.

You just chill out.

We'll get the bit-

Can we film you?

We just love your energy.

- Ladies, I just,
- Okay.

- I just love witches and
I've never met them and I-

(witches chant)
Oh, hi, ladies.

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Hi, how you doing?

Hey, no, I'm not really
into guys like that.

Hey.
- (laughs) Hi, how you doin'?

Hey.

- You had to bring that
damn necklace into it.

I suppose you wanna know about it,

the girl and the guy and the tree.

- So, it's you.

You're that girl that Conrad
was talking about, that-

- Conrad?

Oh, no, honey, that's not my story at all.

- Oh, ladies.
(group giggling and muttering)

- Oh, oh.

- Sometimes we must make
sacrifices out here.

- You sacrificed him?

- No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

get outta there.
- We'll get the lube,

put it up his ass.
- No, no, get it outta there.

Get outta my ass, cut it out, cut it out.

- As you-
- Eugene, Eugene!

- As you can see, I'm still here.

- Eugene!

- Get your finger

out of my ass.
- It's okay,

it's okay, shhh.
- Just stop it.

- Guys, help, I know that
if you're seeing this,

I may not be alive anymore and I love you.

Don't give my fan page to Jonah.

Don't give anything to Jonah.

I hate nature.

Let us know in the comments
below if you hate nature.

Let me outta here.

(Group moans)
(Jonah screams)

- Oh, shit.

Oh, what are you doing? (screams)

(group moans and giggles)

(creepy music)

- We're the influence
influencers now, bitches.

(rhythmic drumming thumps)

- Just one more.
- What's going on?

- Yeah.
- More it lick, more lick.

- You like it.
- Yes, touch him.

Touch him, massage him.
- You like it, huh?

- Come on.
- Grab his cahones.

- Wait, no, don't grab my fucking cahones.

- Make him feel good.
- Grab your own fucking

cahones.
- Yes.

We feel it, Mother Nature
is with us tonight.

- Let go!

Jocelyn, what is happening?
(Gabe yells)

- Apparently, we didn't make it.

We didn't get the damn boobies.

- [Yourgei] We love you, mother.

- [Jonah] What is this shit, Jocelyn,

what's fucking going on?

(group member yells)

- Prabda, issa prabda,

is truce.
- What the fuck's a prabda,

Jocelyn, get me outta here.

What is happening?
(Yourgei yells)

- Cut the prada, prada bullshit,
what the fuck is happening?

Jasmine, what is going on?

- Yuric, let go, surrender,
surrender to the lamb.

- [Jonah] I'm not surrendering to shit.

Who the fuck are you?

Get me the outta here now!

- Geeking blows up.
- Get me the fuck outta-

(creepy, dramatic music)

- Brothers, sisters, and Eugene.

We are gathered here in this sacred spot

to give thanks to Mother Nature

and then to make human sacrifice,

let's be honest, who are we kidding?

Everyone, please, please, bow our heads

and join me in gentle
prayer to Mother Nature.

We are gathered here in
connection to our sacrifice

and connection to the earth,
the stars, and the moon.

Please, bless this ritual.

Now, we must decide if
we want this sacrifice

to be from love or from self.

Let us let Jocelyn decide.

And now, please welcome
Malora in her truest form.

(Amu thumps on drums)

- Woooo!

- Whoa, hey, shit!

- Holy shit, I add.
- Jocelyn, what the

hell is going on, Jocelyn?
(Gabe yells)

(Yourgei chants)

- Jocelyn, what's happening?

- Malora, my queen.

(creepy music continues)

- [Jocelyn] Yes, queen.

- Rise.

Rise my child.

Be free.

Be one with Mother Nature.
(Jocelyn screams)

- Malora!

Stop!

- You fool, you never learn.

- Poor Lucia, I wish I could save you,

but you made your choice.

May you find the rest
and the rot you deserve.

(Lucia laughs)
- Just fuck his head.

(Lucia screams)

- [Yourgei] What are you doing?

(Lucia yelps)
- Jocelyn,

remember what I told you?

Give that bitch her necklace back.

(Lucia continues yelping)

Do it!

- No, fuck the necklace.

Do not do it.

(creepy music intensifies)

- [Conrad] Now, Jocelyn.

(Lucia gasps)

(Malora gasps)
(Malora sizzles)

- My Malora, my Malora!

(Jocelyn laughs)
- That's not a witch!

That's a warlock!

(Lucia screams)

- Ugh.
- Ew, ew.

- Look at the dick!

Jocelyn, let me outta here, come on.

- Quickly.

Wake up, wake up.

(sobs) Malora!

Wake up!

- That guy's sucking the dick and balls.

- You bitch!

You killed her real good.

Jocelyn, you must exact vengeance.

You must eat Jonah's dick.
- Jocelyn, I'm sorry.

- Eat Jonah's dick.
- I'm sorry Jocelyn.

- Jocelyn.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- No, Jocelyn, don't!

- Yes, yes,
- Mother Nature.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- No, Jocelyn.

- Oh, Jonah,
- Please, don't let them,

Jocelyn, please, I need
- what happened to your dick?

- my dick, please, no, Jocelyn, no!

(Jonah screams)
(group laughs)

My dick! (screams)

- Yes! (screams)
(Jonah screams)

- Bite Jocelyn's dick!
- My dick!

- [Jonah] (indistinct) Jocelyn. (screams)

- Yes! (screams)

- Dispatch on arrival at the Woods Bridge.

I may have the vehicle parked here.

Dispatch, run a tag.

Sierra, Bravo, Uniform, two, seven, X-ray.

It's a white SUV parked here.

Copy, I'll be out of the vehicle.

(car door dings)

Hello, ladies.

- Hi.
- Hi, there.

- You guys know anything about
the car that's parked there?

- It's a friend's.

- Friend's car.
- She was drunk.

Everyone she was with
was partying last night,

so we offered to take it back.

- [Officer] Oh, that wouldn't happen to be

Jonah and Jocelyn, would it?

- Yeah.

- [Officer] The ghost hunters

that were camping in the woods?

- They had a great time filming.

- Did they?
- I think it took a lot out of

them though, so they said they were

gonna take a little break now.

- [Officer] All right.

- Probably why they drank so much.

- [Officer] And you guys
are gonna take care of this,

because it's gonna get ticketed here.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

They called up the road that
it was parked here abandoned.

- It's not.
- No, okay.

That's good.

Well, I hope they got
everything they needed

- Yeah, we did.
- and you guys

be safe leaving here.

Do you need any help?

- We come out here all the time.

- [Officer] So, you're familiar

with how dangerous the roads are?

- Mm-hmm.
- All right, take care.

- Good night, officer, bye.

Get back (indistinct).
(car dinging)

(creepy music)

- Hey guys, this is Jocelyn
and Jonah's channel.

- I'm Jocelyn and this is Jonah.

- Well, we're not exactly
that, but we have no clue

where the hell they are.
- I made a terrible mistake.

We never want Jonah anywhere near us.

This is Brian, my lover.
- Mmm.

- Yeah,
- And we're here to provide

you with lots of great

new content.
- Thank you

for all of your fan letters.
- We got more.

- We just love it so much.
- We love it so much.

We just throw away Jonah's,
though, but, you know,

that's okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and what would you
like to see us do next?

Anything?

We could make love

on camera.
- Yeah, we could do

some strip poker.
- Yeah.

- You know, things like that.

- Strip poker?
- Hide the salami, you know?

Yeah, the swami.

(speaks foreign language)

Yes.

- It was the best thing ever
to send them off to the woods,

if you ask me.
- Yeah, oh him, oh God.

- Specifically Jonah.
- Jonah, mojo, mojo, jono.

- Yeah.
- Him.

Oh, I sent the dog with him, so, hopefully

Charlie's is gonna-
- Hopefully, we'll get him-

- is gonna
- yeah, we'll hopefully

get Charlie back.
- bite him.

And he's gonna turn 'em
over to all of those witches

in the woods, the woods
witches are going to

(Brian laughs)
eat Jonah.

- They absolutely will.

- My brother Eugene was one of the nicest

and funniest people in the entire world.

I think he really just wanted

to make a name for himself, you know.

Please, if any of you know anything

about where my brother
is, just reach out to me.

- I'm reaching out to anyone that has

any information about my sister Dacia.

She went back into those damn woods

and is still yet to be found.

There's some people out there
that think that this is some

kind of prank or that
she's doing this for views,

and those people are out of their minds.

- Oh, it's not fair.

All my favorite vloggers are missing

and I'm getting so damn angry.

I might just have to kill somebody

if I can't find new
videos to watch. (screams)

- I really can't believe
that Jocelyn and Jonah,

that they're still gone.

I can't tell you how
much I miss those videos.

I mean, Jonah, not so much, that guy,

he was a fucking douche
bag, yeah, but Jocelyn,

(laughs) she was the bee's knees.

- My stepbrother Eugene has to be found.

First of all, I miss him.

But second of all, he remembered

I buried all my money in the backyard.

I was really blowing
trees when I buried it,

and I forgot where it is.

- Listen, I'm so glad
those two are missing.

That channel was so damn bad.

I hope they never find those two.

Stop!

- Hey, my name is Chef Chazleedle

Are you hungry for five star food?

Well, now you can get it from me.

I'll make it for you and
deliver it to your home.

I can make everything from
grilled cheese to turkey hoagies.

- Come on now, people.

Is anyone even buy for a second that

Jonah and Jocelyn really even a couple?

I'm pretty sure they just
did it for the video views.

All those couple channels.

So damn fake.

- My brother Lloyd is still missing,

and he's a well known vlogger
and has a large fan base.

So, tell me why hasn't he been found?

What is it with those woods?

- I am so damn sick of
these challenge videos.

What is with people liking that crap?

Ooh, I can spend the night in the woods

or I stayed in a scary house, ooh.

Big fucking woop.

My God, what is with people these days?

Ugh.

- Hi, my name is Clyde,

but I prefer Suiclyde.

My mommy thinks I'm a good catch,

but she's not around anymore. (laughs)

I like long walks on the beach,

like a dice at the
decomposing seagulls. (laughs)

(cheerful music)
- Hello, this is Ned Bride

with Realty One Group.
(bell rings)

Absolutely, I can help
anyone buy or sell a home.

(Bigfoot grunts)

Let me call you right back.

(Bigfoot grunts)

I'll get my keys.

(birds chirp)

(Bigfoot grunts)

(camera shutter clicks)

- [Ned] Hm.

(bell rings)

(alien chatters)

- I'll go get my keys.

- Everyone, do you really think people

can vanish in the woods like that?

That's totally insane.

There is something going
out in those woods.

We can just sit and think things are okay.

I'm going out to those woods myself

and find those people.

- My name's Samuel Brien,
and I'm your new boyfriend.

Well, if you pick me.

A little about me, I'm five foot tall,

and I wear a size six shoe.

I know what you're thinking,

but you know what they say.

Good things come in small packages.

- Hello, Jocelyn.

I'm sending this video because

I find you enchanting and irresistible.

I was hoping, I don't know, maybe,

would you possibly like to
go out on a date with me?

I think we get along a lot
better than you and Jonah.

I'll guarantee you a wonderful time.

What do you think?

- [Director] Pictures
for school, take eight.

Action.

- Hey Jocelyn, my name is Joey Smith

and I am the man of your dreams.

I know you don't know me,
but I already know you.

You know, we both shop at the same market.

- It was a fun date.

It really, really was.

But, you do this one thing
that absolutely drives me nuts.

Do you wanna know what it is?

- Sure.

- Okay.

So, the souffles were really
good and the salad was good,

but then when you got-

- [Mayor] So, Bradley, are we rolling?

- [Bradley] Yes ma'am, we're recording.

- [Mayor] Bradley, we cannot be rolling

if the lens cap is on the camera.

- [Bradley] Sorry.

- (sighs) Good grief.

Your man's got two left feet.

All right, okay, you can go now.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- You have a fuzz in your hair.

- I got a fuzz standing
right next to me, too.

- Yeah, you do.

- Ciao.

Okay, oh God.

You are gonna end up in
the fricking hospital.

Okay.

- Jocelyn and Jonah, the two kids that

came be here last week,
- Get it out.

Okay, all right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Jocelyn and Jonah.
- Oh, okay.

Yes, oh yes, well,
- Yeah.

- You know what they are not my problem.

They are not my mess and they
are not my burden to bear.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- As the mayor of this
town, they are your problem.

- Well, actually, as
the mayor of this town,

I say they are not my problem.

How about that for you. (laughs)

- Well, just-
- Bradley?

- [Bradley] Yes, mayor?

- We have a little problem here.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, we do.

- Share?
Could you escort him

out the door, please?

- You're gonna have to go.

- Really Brad?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, put your hands on me,

you're not gonna do well in jail.

- Bradley.
- We'll see.

- Bradley.
- I'll leave

before he takes his pants off.

- I think I do pretty good in jail now.

- Bradley, now-

- Yes, ma'am.
- Go get some clothes on.

- Are you sure?

- Bradley?

Go put some clothes on.

- Yes, ma'am.

(Mayor sighs)

(Mayor sobs)

Oh, Conrad.

- You okay, mayor?

Did that cop upset you?

- You wearing my dress again?

- Yeah.

- Oh, Bradley, I sent
you to therapy for this,

and I spent a lot of money.

- I guess it's not working.

- Oh, oh, Bradley,

that was supposed to
go to the dry cleaners.

- I took it there first.

I didn't want to wear a dirty dress.

- And Bradley, I'm sorry.

But that is-
- Then again.

Sorry.

- And I'm gonna say this and
I mean this with all my heart.

Those are not your colors.

- Really?

- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

You look much better in blue.

Get get outta my clothes.

Get outta my office.

Go, go.

- [Bradley] Should I come
back after I get out?

- Go take a break and
get some more pecan pie?

- [Bradley] Yes, ma'am.

- (sighs) Conrad. (sobs)