Original subtitles

[waves lapping]

[Keri] Best wedding ever!

[yawning]

[yawning]

How's it feel waking up in a cockpit, eh, Iceman?

It's, uh, not the bathhouse fantasy you'd think, Wayne.

But thank you for letting me crash here.

I really... I couldn't take any more camping in the rain.

Michelada? Huh?

Ah...[chuckles]

How did we end up here, eh, J-dawg?

You, homeless and lonely.

Me, the roguish captain of the Mansplane,

just pining after his lost love.

Wayner...

Did you ever have a question

that you were really afraid to ask Jayne?

I was always afraid to ask Jaynie questions.

Questions lead to answers, and answers, they can be scary.

That's just not quite what I meant, but...

I found this amazing new guide to life.

"Seaplane Owner's Manual".

That's an instruction manual, buddy.

Bingo, brother. That's right.

Relationships are just like flying a plane.

Found out I've been on autopilot my whole marriage.

If I want to get it back on track,

I gotta take controls myself...

[grunts] wait for Jaynie's signal.

But what if Jayne did something bad?

Like, I'm talking something real bad, Wayne.

Like... like criminal bad.

It's all about perspective, right?

For instance, people used to think that mixing

tomato juice and beer was a bad idea.

Not Mexicans, uh-uh. And thanks to them,

we now enjoy a delicious breakfast beverage.

Yeah, that's true.

Or bicycles in the water.

Nope, that's a bad idea.

Jaynie is living proof that a body built

by Aqua Spin, never a bad idea. She's a rocket.

Yeah, I did see her bikes

all stacked up over there this morning.

Yeah, she's logging some hours for her Level Two,

so she's offering a freebie today.

Whole lake's invited.

Oh.

If I help Jaynie level up,

pretty sure we can get our marriage back on the level.

[sighs]

Hey, 90% of crashes are communication failure.

Gotta listen to your co-pilot.

God, Wayne. That's actually really smart.

I just got to get Riley's side of the story.

Hey, let me get you some breakfast.

I got a couple of egg sandwiches in the glove box.

[Francesa Blanchard: "Loon Song"]

♪ ... On the other side ♪

[Wayne] Aw, they've gone bad.

♪ Can you feel it? ♪

♪ It goes something like "You've only got one life" ♪♪

Wait, wait, wait, I wouldn't go over there.

Ivy's super pissed.

You planted Dogwood instead of Spruce.

How am I supposed to tell them apart?

By its bark?

Yeah, your puns are getting kind of tired.

You should really branch out.

Hey, um, any chance some friends and I

could swing by your place, use your washing machine?

Don't you just wash in the lake?

Because we're cavemen?

No, it's just there's only one laundromat in town,

and it kind of sucks spending

your entire day off waiting for a machine.

Well, I only have the one washer,

and, you know, the dryer takes forever, so...

Okay, we can make a day of it. Bring beers, snacks.

Krusty Jake's got a projector.

It could be like a laundry party.

Oh, I would, but it's not really my cottage.

It's probably cool if just you come.

- But any more, and... - It's cool.

I can just do it in town.

- Sorry. - No, no, no worries.

Catch you by the campfire later?

- Definitely. - Cool.

Hey, this where we get our checks?

Cool. You know, I finally feel like I'm starting to get

the hang of this thing. That's it? What the fuck?

No, I must have planted, like, over 400 trees yesterday.

Average is over 1,000. It's 25 cents per tree planted,

minus camp cost, transpo. So that's what's left.

Man, I did not ask the right questions in my interview.

I have to send the numbers to the bean counters each week.

And you're not making quota. So...

So you're going to fire me?

Is that internship still available?

Um, what is happening right now?

I told my mom to make her own tapas for the board meeting.

It's a little something else I've been working on.

I made an energy drink

I want to test out at Aqua Spin today.

Could be my second career game changer.

Oh, I'm off green smoothies for the week.

Miguel has me on fruit and seeds.

But you know, I know people who can

test and market that for you.

But could they come up with a great name

like Lin-sterine?

- "Victor-E"? - Damn, that's better. Wait.

"From the rink, to the tee,

feel the rush of Victor-E."

Are you still golfing with Alec from Mohebbi Sports Labs?

Mmm, not much. That sweet little gerbil man can barely break 80.

Set up a game. I need him to test

some samples from my mother.

You think Mimsy's on the juice?

I think if I can get her tested,

I can find out if she's really sick.

My fuck-it list failed.

I need hard data to prove that she's faking it.

Yeah, but how are you going to get the DNA

hat-trick of saliva, blood AND urine?

Two down, one to go.

It's better if you don't ask.

So, I've got a few motivated buyers for the Boathouse land.

It is prime beachfront, baby, so it'll be a blood bath.

I love a blood bath.

The money from the sale is

the only way that we can rebuild.

We'll have to find a new plot.

- Something cute and cozy. - You mean small.

Well, what choice do we have?

I can't keep running the Boathouse out of my cottage

and none of you Lake Laugh Lovers are stepping up.

But why rebuild?

Why not split the money between Boathouse members?

I mean, think what you can do with that cash.

A new boat, a new dock, a new wardrobe.

- [Claire] I second that. - [Ulrika] Nej!

We need a Boathouse to set fair rules

and to protect the lake.

Well, who's going to protect us

from Whoreen's cardigan?

I say take the money and run.

It is all moot without quorum.

Well, Riley will be at Aqua Spin,

so I will get his vote there.

And I am counting on all of you to be there, too.

Okay? Meeting adjourned.

- [gavel bangs] - [chuckles]

Oh, I will see you at Aqua Spin.

- [Ulrika] No. - Somebody needs to tell Ulrika

she can't go strapless when she leeches.

That's not from leeches. She's wet-cupping.

I don't even want to know what that is.

It's good for blood flow, inflammation, detox.

You prick the skin before applying the suction cups,

and the vacuum seal slurps up the blood.

We used to do it on Tequila Tuesdays before a game.

There's my hat trick. [chuckles]

[upbeat music plays]

[speaking French]

[door opening distantly]

[quietly] Shit. Shit.

Shit.

Oh, fuck no.

No, no.

Nope, can't make me go back in there.

- [gasps] - [sighs]

- Oh, thank God. - Justin.

Shit, I thought you were Riley.

Oh, man. You're not sniffing his stuff again, are you?

It was one time, kink shamer.

Put that down. Come here. I gotta show you something.

The Quads shot this

right before the fireworks went off at the Boathouse.

Hey!

[Justin] Look at that.

That's Riley's plaid shirt.

You think Riley burned down the Boathouse?

Well, it's clearly this shirt.

Justin, it's clearly A shirt.

And when the evidence is that obvious,

it's never actually that person.

Did you learn nothing from Horatio Kane?

I'm more of a Mariska Hargitay SVU kind of girl, actually.

But Riley and I never talk crime franchises at home.

Okay, well, both always rule out the other suspects

before taking someone in.

Oh, God, that just seems like so much work.

Justin, you need to be a million percent sure

it's Riley before you accuse him, or you two are done-done.

Like, we may as well pack up and leave.

Which, honestly, may be the best thing right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, Missy Marple.

Who's working another motive now?

I think I'm getting fired.

You're being paranoid.

You're the hardest worker that I know.

Yeah, and I made less than $200

working 10 hours a day for a week.

Wow, you did not ask the right questions

at your job interview.

I ruined my life for a cute boy. Again.

Hey...

That's the only reason to ruin your life.

Plus, there's a solution: make friends with your boss.

I've stayed in so many jobs I was dangerously

unqualified for because I'm super fun to be around.

- Did you sleep with the boss? - No. Yes.

One time, kink shamer.

Wait, that's actually not a bad idea.

[Justin] Oh.

Thanks, Justin.

Yeah, okay. You're welcome.

Wait, you're not gonna sleep with your boss, are you?

♪♪♪

[Maisy] I've got a surprise for us.

- Oh, sweetie, honestly, I... - I booked a spa day.

I know you prefer to manage your pain

- with holistic medicine. - Or narcotics in a pinch.

So I booked us deep tissue massages.

- They'll be here in an hour. - What a relief.

You know, you've been so desperate

for attention this week, I was actually

pricing flights to Lisbon for a little me time.

You'd be so easy to like if you didn't try so hard.

[sighs] Massage.

Hey, how's it hanging, boyos?

Lovejoy, what are you doing here?

Aw, you couldn't keep me away, Wayner.

Love water sports.

[chuckles] Maureen, too.

Really strong stream, boy.

Also, I just...

I'm really having to build back up my lung capacity

after inhaling so much smoke at the wedding, you know?

You ran off before the Boathouse caught fire.

Yes, I did. Yeah, but then the vaping,

oh, the vaping got out of control.

I think it was the stress of being unjustly accused

and maintaining an innocent waistline.

But back on the patch, feeling good.

How are you guys doing? How are your lungs?

How much smoke did you inhale? Were you, like,

this close or this far away from the Boathouse

- when it caught fire? - I was keeping Opal away.

Between the hairspray and fabric glue,

kid was a fireball waiting to happen.

- Yeah, that tracks. - Yeah.

I was hiding from Claire.

[Wayne clears throat]

I'm a bit of a snack ever since I've become a bachelor

and, uh, pretty sure Claire wanted a nibble.

- Okay. - Oh, I told her no.

The only woman that I have

meaningless sex with is my wife.

I don't blame her, though. Got the pheromones of a lynx.

All right, Body Breakers! Aqua Spin starts in five.

- Justin? - I know.

I know I wasn't invited, Jayne.

No, it's fine. Maisy and Mimsy bailed,

and I need students for my hours to qualify.

Just stay away from Riley.

- [Justin] Fine. - Before we get started,

I'm testing out a new sports drink.

It's all natural, gluten free, full of electrolytes.

Test it out.

Tell me your honest opinion.

Mm, I like it. Is it hemp?

With kelp. I call it Help.

And who doesn't need a little of that from their friends?

Am I right? [chuckles]

Yeah.

[Justin] Jesus.

Wow! All right, you dick holes, let's ride.

- Okay. - All right.

[Wayne] Let's go, Jaynie!

[Jayne] Let's go, tadpoles!

[distant shouting]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Okay.

You guys, I said a few friends, not Party-gras.

I told you it was too many people.

Word got out about my laundry connect.

I could ask them to go.

No. No, it's cool.

You don't have to do this.

Laundry parties aren't a thing.

So let's make a new tradition, then.

Okay.

Sweet. Sweet.

Laundry's on, sluts.

- Oh... - It's a tree planter thing.

It's just something we call each other.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Do you want some chips, you dirty slut?

It's just slut.

Right.

Ulrika just set up a circus tent on the lawn.

She's self-licensed in Sweden.

Ulrika's our masseuse?

Not just massage, cupping.

Wet cupping. Cup of sugaring.

She did wonders for Victor's nervous lactation.

[Ulrika] Halla!

- Who is ready to sweat? - Sweat?

No, we ordered the wet cupping package.

Sauna first. Relaxes the body, brings blood to the surface.

[Mimsy] Oh, honey. A sauna sounds nice, dear.

Maisy, you should come to.

[Mimsy] Oh, yes.

It would help with that water weight.

It's the salt in her diet.

Let's do this.

I think it's called genetics.

[Young Franco feat. Denzel Curry & Pell: "Fallin' Apart"]

♪ Wine mixer, mix it up with my elixir ♪

♪ Overlookin' the ocean, I'm hopin' I see flipper ♪

♪ Young Filipe movin' like... ♪

- Hey. - About that record...

Whoa, haven't seen this side of you.

Well, it's not like I have work tomorrow.

Actually, that's up to Ivy.

What? You're gonna fire her?

- It's not up to me. - It's cool.

Even if I get shit-canned, no hard feelings.

We keep it clean at laundry parties.

So...

How about a drink?

Since you're not on the clock anymore.

- Thanks, slut. - Ah.

[chuckling]

[Michael Sembello: "Maniac"]

Welcome to the first Aqua Spin class of this season.

I am Jayne and ready to bring the Payne.

Special shoutout to Riley for sticking around,

even though a certain someone

is replacing some last minute wash-outs.

[Jayne] All right.

Whoa. Let's do this. You're at one.

I want you to crank it to two. And you're minnows.

You're minnows. You're minnows. You're minnows. Now, three.

And tadpole, a tadpole, a tadpole.

Yo, girl. Hey, girl.

Hey. Hear you were hot for Wayne at the wedding.

Yeah, sure. I wanted a piece of that Klondike Bar.

He's fair game now.

But the sex-falcon turned me down.

How about you, Saggy B?

Where were you when the Boathouse burned down?

I got a better question.

Why are these bikes in the water?

If you're thinking someone burned down the Boathouse,

smart money's on Whoreen.

For God's sake, Claire. She's been with your dad

for 20 years. Maybe move on.

People like her stop at nothing to get what they want.

[Jayne] Move those tails, tadpoles!

I am here to put a Presi-DENT in your waistline.

Oh, Jayne.

Whoa, that did not feel good.

Keep it up, Jaynie.

Doing great, Pancake.

Keep it up, bullfrogs.

I will be back in a jiff.

I'm gonna go see if she needs any help, you guys.

I think she's had enough.

You are gonna love cupping.

Victor says it really makes you feel like a new woman.

I'd feel like a richer woman if the board

would split the money from the Boathouse sale.

I don't understand the lake's obsession with that place.

The Boathouse follows in the ancient tradition

of Swedish mead halls.

A place for the village to spread lewd gossip about

their neighbours over unpasteurized beer.

There were also programs for families,

child care, elder care.

Honestly, it's been so much more enjoyable

around the lake this summer

without the Boathouse policing us.

You need a firmer grip.

It takes a strong hand to make

cold blood rise to the surface.

[yelps]

[Jamiroquai: "Cosmic Girl"]

♪ 'Cause it was quarter past eleven ♪

♪ On a Saturday in 1999 ♪

♪ Right across from where I'm standing ♪

♪ On the dance floor she was landing ♪

♪ It was clear that she was from another time ♪

♪ Like some baby Barbarella ♪

♪ With the stars as her umbrella ♪

♪ She asked me if I'd like to magnetise ♪

♪ Do I have to go star-trekking ♪

♪ 'Cause it's you I should be checking ♪

♪ So she laser beamed me with her cosmic eyes ♪

♪ She's just a cosmic girl ♪

♪ From another galaxy ♪♪

- [Jayne retching] - [Justin] Let it all out.

Let all your secrets out.

That's right, Jayne.

You spent years in Maisy's shadow,

lusting after that Boathouse throne.

And then first, you got rid of Wayne, then Maisy, then Ulrika.

Yeah, but you didn't count on the insurance not paying out

or having to host the Boathouse at your place.

But it was a small price to pay, wasn't it,

for that tidy commission on the land sale?

It's true.

What? What?

I wanted to be Boathouse president so bad.

Oh, that's it, Pancake.

You let it all out.

I bumped Whoreen's canasta for your wedding

to guilt Maisy into changing real estate agents.

But she doesn't care.

She's just obsessed with her mom.

Okay.

The presidency means nothing without the Boathouse.

My ruthless ambition burned everything down.

[retching]

You got some kelp in your hair.

[Jayne retching]

[shouting]

Hey.

Hey.

Ivy likes to front a mean game, but...

she's never actually fired anyone before.

Hmmm.

I'm sure you can convince her

to vouch for you to head office.

You sang an acoustic duet together, so...

there's no way she can fire you now.

Yeah.

You got this.

Can I get a round of applause for Jaynie, huh?

For reaching her Level Two Aqua Spin certification.

- Yes. - Way to go, babe.

- [retching] - Sorry, Jayner.

I'd think my drink fermented.

Crazy that pro hockey doesn't make you a chemist.

Come on, Justin.

Hey. Can we talk?

Do you remember that thing that I said the other day about, um,

someone burning down the Boathouse on purpose?

Well, see, I thought that if I could prove it,

that you might forgive me. And I...

I know now that that's, um... that was really stupid.

- Real dumb. - But Riley, somebody did

use our wedding fireworks to start the fire.

Any proof?

Just the missing fireworks

and an unsinged box.

But then when I saw the Quads

post that shitty meme of you, I...

I had this idea. And I thought, well...

they caught that, maybe they caught something else.

And, um, they did.

Billie told me to CSI everybody, so I checked alibis,

dress sizes, I worked my sunglass flip.

Riley, if you did it because I ran, I get it.

I do. I'm just... I'm worried about you.

It's Claire.

That's your shirt, Riley.

Hey, Claire, come here a sec.

- Is this you? - Nope.

See, Riley, I would not have shown you that video if I had...

It's Mimsy. She was cold. I loaned her my shirt.

I did not ask Mimsy.

Being accused of arson is going to make leaving a lot easier.

Leaving? What do you mean, leaving?

My new Hit and Run series got a showcase in Paris.

In Paris?

Oh, my God. That's...

That's like the art capital of the world.

It's Paris, Ontario.

That's...

the Paris of...

of Ontario.

I leave tomorrow.

So I'm going to crash at the Gas & Go,

but you can stay at the cabin until Billie's contract is up.

After that, I don't want to see you again.

Riley.

[Riley] Hey, Jayner.

I vote we sell the land, split the money.

My wedding gift to the lake.

That was so stupid.

Plane down.

Sorry.

[Mimsy] Victor was right.

This is absolute heaven.

I can just feel the toxins pouring out of me.

Big buildup.

I'm sorry. This is so embarrassing.

It's just the sight of blood really makes me dizzy.

Oh, I thought it might arouse you.

Sharks are usually excited by blood.

Could I have some water?

Boar urine might help settle your stomach better.

Yeah, water is fine.

Ah, good. You will need your strength.

You are next.

Oh, Mom, don't move. One of your cups is coming loose.

[Jhyve: "Feel Something" playing distantly]

Having fun?

I am. Don't let the resting butch face fool you.

Wow. And she puns too.

You guys really are related.

Hey, are you into my brother? I'm kind of getting a vibe.

A vibe? No, nuh-uh, it's totally platonic.

Like, uh, like tree-plant-onic.

Oh, God. Did I catch it too?

Am I a pun zombie now? Because you're gonna

have to kill me, Ivy. Please, just, like, kill me.

Next time. You get a free pass for boosting crew moral today.

Does that free pass extend to next week maybe?

Uh-uh.

Oh God, I'm getting fired?

No, no, no, I don't get fired. I've never even been fired.

- It's okay. - It's okay? I just gave up

a great job, my parents are totally gonna hate me

and I just screwed my shot at a scholarship.

But yeah, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool.

So you can't plant trees.

You're smart, fun, people like you.

And...

Uh, thanks for the party. Fire...

Sorry about the firing thing.

Oh, uh...

Oh, darling, I feel a thousand times better.

- Thank you. - You are so very welcome.

And losing a little blood means we only need half the gin.

I'm going to go see what delight Opal is

masterminding in the kitchen.

[knocking]

- Hello. - Oh.

[Justin] Why the sad face?

It's my mom's idea of a sick joke.

But I will have the last laugh.

Oh, you gonna bake her into a pie

or skin her puppies to make a coat?

What brings you back here?

I just came to get the last of my stuff.

How's riding the Wayne plane?

Uh, I'm not. I'm, um, back at the Murder Cabin.

You got Riley to forgive you?

Oh, your jaw must be so sore.

Riley went to Paris, Ontario.

But who knows?

Accusing him of torching the Boathouse could inspire work

that sends him to actual Paris.

You thought Riley set fire to the Boathouse?

Man, you are getting desperate.

No, the Quads filmed someone in plaid sneaking into

the Boathouse right before the fireworks went off.

And I thought it was Riley, but it was actually

just your mom in lesbian drag. You can read all about it

in the holiday email. Goodbye.

Can I see the footage?

No, Maisy, I'm done with it.

Ask the Quads.

Arson is a monkey's paw.

It's the path to crazy.

Walk away or end up a sad

single cautionary tale like me.

Hey.

So, judging from the apocalypse outside,

I'd say the party was a complete success.

So what happened? You win your boss over?

Nope, got fired.

Oh, shit. Billie, I'm so sorry.

Something happened, Justin.

Something I've never done, and...

- I... - What?

What, honey? What happened?

I...

I sang "Wonderwall".

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

It's okay. It's okay.

It happens to us all eventually.

♪ They don't drive ♪ ♪ (No, not in this city) ♪

[Nina Lee: "For the Bitches"]

♪ They just ride ♪ ♪ (Past the people they pity) ♪

♪ They get fucked up and move on ♪

♪ They get fucked up and move on ♪

♪ I feel bad for the bitches, bitches ♪

♪ I feel bad for the bitches, bitches ♪

♪ Diamonds all in their stitches ♪

♪ Can't feel what they're missin' ♪

♪ And I feel bad for them ♪

♪ House in the Hamptons ♪

♪ So many cars ♪

♪ She's got Daddy's Amex ♪

♪ But she can't get his heart ♪

♪ They show off a photo ♪

♪ Just to impress ♪

♪ But they don't even know her ♪

♪ They don't even know her ♪

♪ And they don't drive ♪ ♪ (No, not in this city) ♪

♪ They just ride ♪ ♪ (Past the people they pity ♪

♪ They get fucked up and move on ♪

♪ They get fucked up and move on ♪♪