Original subtitles

[disco music playing]

[Justin panting]

[fireworks booming]

[Bruno Mars: "Skate"]

♪ Oh, my, oh, my ♪

♪ Got your hair in the wind ♪

♪ And your skin glistening ♪

♪ I can smell your sweet perfume ♪

♪ You smell better than a barbecue ♪

♪ Oh, superstar...

[Riley wolf-whistling]

[Riley chuckles]

Uh, you look like a penis.

It's my new dry conditioner.

A big, giant water penis.

[Justin] Shut up! Billie's room ready?

- Cleared a path. - All right. It's gotta be perfect,

- 'cause I haven't seen her since... - [Riley] Since Christmas.

You know, you got all week to catch up with her.

- [Justin] Uh-huh. - Which means...

[Justin laughing] What are you doing?

No! What?

Riley!

Which means I get to have all my ways with you

- before she gets here. - No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.

No, it needs to stay on for at least eight hours, please.

Okay.

That means this gets to come off

for at least eight minutes.

Can I at least keep the goggles on?

They really ground the look.

[laughs] Get over here, dickhead.

[Bert] Hey, boys!

Mind if I drop a line?

Fish are real snappy here.

Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Bert.

Go inside?

Um, I'm just gonna need a minute.

Yeah, you're gonna need more than a minute.

It's gonna go down faster if you let go.

No, this is a hostage situation.

[Justin laughs]

Marry me?

Riley, we've been dating for what, like, a year?

We can do it this weekend. Come on, it'd be perfect.

Yeah, like, perfectly insane.

Riley, I've... I've been married, remember?

- Just to stay in the country. - And sex.

And a really great apartment.

Think about it, all right? Billie's here.

Look, I know you lost your place on the lake,

but you can build a new one here with me.

[Justin sighs]

A tool belt and a proposal does not make you a lesbian.

A guy can dream.

I don't even know your middle name.

Blair.

Oh, my God, you are a lesbian.

[Riley laughs]

This is crazy.

When has that ever stopped you?

- Okay. - Yeah?

- Okay. - Okay? Yeah, do you?

I do.

[The Knocks: "Slow Song"]

[Bert] Right on, boys! Get some!

♪ I can feel you tryin' doors that opened up before ♪

[man] Yeah, I'll take that over here.

♪ But I'm the one with all the keys...

[Billie] I'm only here for a week, Mom.

[Naomi] Yes, but you wanna be fresh

for when you start your internship.

Yeah, but I'm just gonna be answering phones

and updating socials, you know?

[Naomi scoffs] Don't undersell yourself.

It was a very competitive job to get.

Billie?

Billie?

Okay, love you Mom, bye.

- Hi. - Hi.

Your kicks are way too fresh to be a tree planter.

Oh, I'm just visiting family for the week.

Shit. I needed a place to hide

from all the acoustic guitar this summer.

Oh, a lot of "Wonderwall," huh?

Uh, kombucha?

I brewed it myself.

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

You know, my mom says that good gut flora

is a better predicator of future income than grades.

- No shit. - Well, I mean, a little shit.

[chuckles]

Well, I am Forrest. Two "R" s.

Oh, Billie.

Uh, two "L" s.

How do I look? Cute?

- Too needy? - No, you look good.

- All right? - Okay.

Here she is. Billie!

Text me.

- Will do. - [Billie] Okay.

Hi!

[upbeat instrumental playing]

- [Billie] Hi. [chuckles] - Hi.

I see you're making new friends.

- Hi, Riley. - Hi.

- Let me grab these for you. - Thanks.

So, what's with all the dirty hippies?

They're tree planters, Justin.

Oh, even worse.

Stay upwind. Patchouli will give you bacne.

Bye.

Hi. I'm still here.

- [Billie] Hi. - Another hug?

[Billie] Yes.

- I missed you like stupid. - Me too.

Why do you smell like moonshine?

That's kombucha. It's home brew.

It's good!

[Justin] The hippies got to you.

Just a bit.

[Maisy] Seven-layer lasagna? Is that really necessary?

I thought we'd discussed the menu for tonight.

Classic with a twist.

Nana thinks hot dogs with chorizo and glazed pears

- is trying too hard. - Well, your mother thinks...

[Mimsy] That her mother knows

that street meats taste best drunk

behind CBGB's after 4:00 a.m.

I have news

that's gonna sweeten that sour puss of yours.

I was just speaking to Killian.

- Killian called? - Mmm. On your phone, yes.

Why didn't you hand it to me?

'Cause I'm not your roadie,

and I was dying to know if he took the job.

Killian's lifeguarding this summer.

- He has a job. - Well, a friend of mine

who I used to life model with at the Vatican

owns an agency in Hong Kong.

And after I posted a picture of Killian,

she reached out.

[inhales sharply]

[laughs] Our boy, a model?

It only makes sense.

[exhales]

Killian's leaving China next week.

We can't impose on your family any more.

I mean, I'm sure they'd love to have him.

Be back for school.

Think of the doors

that modelling would open for Killian.

Acting, music,

a sexy rebound with the Chairman of the Party.

[whispering] My sister would never let that happen.

[chair scraping on floor]

I think I need more coffee.

Children need dysfunction to turn into interesting adults!

Maisers?

Or they end up with hobbies.

[footsteps approaching]

Is breakfast wine the best way to deal with your mom?

Oh, I just need the bottle.

[glass shattering]

Oops! Clumsy me.

It's accidental manslaughter if she trips on it.

The blood thinners will do the rest.

[Victor] Sorry, Maisers.

Can't let you kill your mom.

You see? This is what she does.

She wraps you around her jabby little fingers

and then skips off to Zipolite.

She already has her claws in our kids.

- I need you on my side! - I am on your side.

She answers my phone.

She batiked my French linens.

She turned the bunkie into an ashram!

We need our own place.

Look, babe, all the places you liked

are over our budget, I'm retired,

and you lost the home reno account.

Besides, your mom isn't that bad,

and the kids love this place.

Why isn't Killian coming home?

Because he has a duty to share the face, body, and hair

I gave him with the world.

[Mimsy] Maisy-May, do you have any Turkish beans?

- Yours are limp. - Oh, here I go.

- No! - [sighs]

[strained cry]

[whimsical music playing]

[door clicks open]

- Uh, home sweet... - Homicide.

[Riley chuckles]

Wow, I like what you've done with the place, Rile.

Yeah, it's still a work in progress.

Sorry about the mess.

I'm workin' on a new roadkill investigation series.

[Justin] He uses the living room 'cause the light's better,

but these little cuties, they really come to life

- in the dark. - [Billie] Mmm.

[Riley] Yeah, 'cause someone's afraid to pee at night.

- [whispering] They watch. - [Billie laughs]

[Billie] So this dinner thing at Maisy's...

[Justin] I know. She blackmailed us into coming for moral support

because her mom's staying with her for the week

until Killian gets back from China, so...

You're safe. It's just Maisy, Victor,

Opal, and the evil stepmonster.

Already finishing each other's sentences. Adorable!

[imitates retching]

[Billie chuckles]

Are you bummed that Killian won't be there?

Nah. That boy's last year's news.

- [[Justin chuckles] - [Riley] Ooh.

- [Billie] So... - Mm-hmm.

[Billie] what's Mimsy like?

A narcissistic, manipulative Messy Poppins.

[snickers]

How come Wayne and Jayne aren't coming?

[Riley] Uh,

yeah, Maisy's been avoiding Jayner

since she declared for Boathouse prezzie.

- And the Quads? - Wayne and Jayne

are sharing custody since the split.

Yeah, it's Wayne's weekend, so they're probably moving

their beds to the other side of the cottage.

[hard rock music playing]

[thud]

I'm here!

Hey.

Whoo!

Ready for our weekend, girls?

- [Keri] Daddy, line! - [Wayne] Right.

Mom will freak if you go on her side before five.

[scoffs]

You know, it is my cottage too.

Do you think this is easy for us?

Look at Olive.

- She seems fine. - She gave up weed.

My sweet baby girl!

- Daddy! Line! - Yeah.

Why's your mom so mad?

I gave her everything she wanted.

Except the cottage.

And you traded her boat for that stupid seaplane.

Which you can't even fly.

Anyway, don't even worry about it, girls.

By the end of the summer, me and your mom,

we're gonna be back together.

It's a Wayne Moore guarantee.

Not if you keep day drinking in cargo shorts.

The whole point of breaking up

is to show your ex how much hotter you got.

- Mom's blowing up on Hinge. - And Tinder.

- Bumble. - Plenty of Fish.

- Coffee and a Bagel. - Snack.

I'm hungry.

[sighs]

♪

Thank you for having us, Mimsy.

Happy to have you anytime.

[scoffs]

[Riley chuckles]

Can't believe you reopened Granny's Muskoka room.

Well, we finally found the source of that smell.

- Oh, my God, what was it? - Your granny.

Now, no sniping. We're celebrating.

Everyone together around the table again.

If only your father were here to see it.

He did love corn.

Derrick lost so much sleep over your beautiful Billie

being raised by strangers or homosexuals.

- [Billie coughs] - He'd be thrilled to see

how perfectly ordinary you turned out.

Actually,

Billie has some of the top marks in the province.

And, Riley, drumroll please...

[drumming on table]

just got an internship

with the National Climate Institute,

where she will be saving the planet this summer,

because your generation has used it as

a disposable snot rag for decades.

- Okay, also yours. - Little bit less.

Well, now I know

that I have three extraordinary grandchildren.

Congratulations, Billie.

[all] Congratulations.

I'm proud of you.

[Riley] Uh,

I would also like to make a family toast,

seeing as I'll be joining it soon.

I asked Justin to marry me,

and he said yes.

- Congratulations! That's... - [Opal] Congrats.

- Wow! Wow, wow, wow. - [Victor] That's great.

I did, I said yes.

Have you set a date yet?

- Yeah, we were thinking... - Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.

We know that's fast.

It's fast, but Riley hates fuss,

Billie's only in town for a week.

We were just thinking, like, "You know what?

To hell with it, let's just throw caution to the wind.

- Let's do it." - Yeah, then you can just

forget about the shitty DJs and the horrible food,

and the... you know, the gift bullshit.

Although we wouldn't say no to a Vitamix.

Well, where are you getting married?

I've eloped three times, and venue is everything.

We were hoping the Boathouse?

My great-grandfather was one of the original carpenters,

but it's booked.

So we were actually kind of hoping to maybe do it here.

You know, like my parents did?

You can't consecrate your love on land

steeped in your parents' sexual ennui.

Maisy can get you the Boathouse.

Her best friend, Janine, is VP.

- Jayne and I aren't really... - Do you have a wedding planner?

Oh. Uh, well, we were just gonna ask Ulrika to officiate.

I can work with that.

I need everyone at the Boathouse by ten.

Check your inbox in the morning for your assignments.

[Justin whispering] Where did the earpiece come from?

You guys are getting hitched tomorrow,

that means bachelor party tonight.

Oh, Riley and Justin can't see each other before the wedding,

it's bad luck, so I can throw a bachelorette

- for Justin at the cabin. - [softly] Thank you.

A toast. To the grooms.

May your life together

be as happy as the one leaving me.

- Leaving you? - I'm dying.

I was gonna wait to tell you,

but then Justin and Riley's desperate cry for attention

inspired my own.

To the grooms!

[Justin] I mean, she could've waited.

She's still gonna be dying after the wedding.

Are you sure about this, though?

'Cause it's really fast, Justin.

Billie, if you'd seen him propose.

He was like this...

big, wet puppy.

Yeah, but you get a puppy. You don't marry one.

Listen.

I lost a lot of time

being away from the people that I love,

and I don't wanna make that mistake again.

I love Riley.

And Riley loves me. And I know that it's fast,

but if I was a 36-year-old divorced woman

with a biological clock screaming "Tick, tock,"

then nobody would bat an eye.

I've got everything that I've always wanted.

Except a father to walk me down the aisle.

You asking me to be your dad

- or walk you down the aisle? - Oh, you don't have to choose.

You just gotta find me something to wear.

[knocking on door]

Hey, girlies.

Now, it is not a bachelorette

without skinny margaritas.

No, it is not.

[Jayne grunts]

Good news! I was able to bump

Whoreen's canasta tournament

to get you the Boathouse tomorrow!

Are you serious?

[Jayne laughs]

Bad news, couldn't find a stripper,

so Saggy B is hoistin' 'em up,

and we are not gonna want to remember that.

So, strap in,

and tell me where I can plug 'er in.

[Toronto: "Your Daddy Don't Know"]

♪ Making your move ♪

♪ You come down as fast as lightning ♪

♪ Crossing the stage...

[Jayne sighs]

Where's the Reposado?

Regurgeado behind the Murder Cabin.

Oh, looks like the bachelorette party was a success.

Just gotta push through the pain.

How's the hunt for a new cottage?

We're still looking,

but I am chatting with Clementine Farnsworth.

Ooh! She was Brenda Butt when we got our license,

but Clementine can ask for 7%.

If you want an agent who takes five, let me know.

- Oh, discount. - [forced laugh]

Hey, Mimsy, can I count on your vote

for Boathouse president this year?

I would ask for yours, but, whoopsie,

you can't vote, so...

- Need a hand there, Wayner? - Nah. [chuckles]

All about perspective, bro.

Am I tangled in life's challenges?

Or do I sparkle with a thousand tiny lights?

How you holdin' up, bud?

Well, I live in a plane I can't fly.

Uh, I don't have a shower to drink in anymore.

But you can't live in the past.

Oh, hey, can I do some laundry at your house again?

Jaynie's got the machines tied up till Saturday,

and girls said I could use a glow-up.

[Victor] Hey-o.

All right, my little griddle cakes.

This wedding's about to get lit.

Whoo!

[Barrie: "Darjeeling"]

♪ The city towed my car ♪

♪ The first night I got in ♪

- Hey, bud. - [Saggy B] Hey.

♪ At your favourite bar

♪ With the guy who owns it ♪

♪ Oh, it's just like you called it ♪

♪ And oh, you never got it ♪

♪ Stay ♪

♪ Keep me here for a while ♪

♪ Stay ♪

♪ You can leave...

[Spice Girls: "2 Become 1"]

♪ Candlelight and soul forever ♪

♪ A dream of you and me together ♪

♪ Say you believe it Say you believe it ♪

♪ Free your mind of doubt and danger ♪

♪ Be for real Don't be a stranger ♪

♪ We can achieve it We can achieve it ♪

♪ Come a little closer...

- Ready? - Uh-huh. Yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's okay. That's okay! We'll tell them it was too fast,

and we'll go home and talk, and Riley will understand.

I did that thing: I made this whole week about myself.

This was supposed to be your week.

I made it all about me.

Oh, well,

unfortunately, there's no cure for Main Character Syndrome.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I wanna hear all about your new job,

I wanna hear about that cute boy from the bus,

and I wanna hear about you.

[Ulrika clears throat]

Okay. Come on.

Let me give your ass away.

♪ I need some love ♪

♪ Like I never needed love before ♪

♪ Wanna make love to ya, baby ♪

♪ I had a little love Now I'm back for more ♪

♪ Wanna make love to ya, baby ♪

♪ Set your spirit free ♪

♪ It's the only way to be...

We gather here under the loving eye of Mother Frigg

to join these beautiful gays in marriage.

We ask Baldur, god of all ass rascals,

to bless their coffers with gold and their staffs with semen.

Bring me the rings.

Riley, you may speak your vows.

[blowing nose loudly]

Justin Lovejoy.

I cannot wait to share...

all that I have with you.

And cherish...

all that is yours.

Justin? The ring?

Uh...

- [Ulrika] The rings? - Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

Riley...

I, um...

[raccoon chittering]

[eerie instrumental playing]

It's... it's a little hot. Just a little hot in here.

I, uh...

[panting]

I can't.

I can't!

[music fades]

[guests gasping]

[Billy Idol: "Dancing with Myself"]

[Justin panting]

♪ Oh, oh, oh Dancing with myself ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Dancing with myself ♪

- [Billie] Where are you? - [Wayne] Lovejoy!

Where are you?

♪ Dancing with myself Oh, oh, oh ♪

[Ulrika] Come back!

[Billie] Justin!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

[firework booms]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Everyone clear of the Boathouse?

We can't find Nana.

[Mimsy] I'm here, babykins.

[fireworks booming]

[fireworks screeching]

Dear God.

What kind of ding-dong brings fireworks into the Boathouse?

I told him to take them outside.

[sombre instrumental playing]

[sighs] Justin...

What have you done?

Hey, guys. Guys, the Boathouse is on fire.

We know. The fire department's there.

[exhales] Oh.

- They're all gone. - Oh, my God!

Everyone's safe, but...

Riley's RKI collection died in the fire.

Well, you know, technically,

I mean, they were already kind of dead, but...

Right. I know.

Not all are gone.

You could've said no.

I wanted to marry you.

I wanna marry you.

You could've just said no.

Billie can stay here, but I want you to go.

I don't wanna see you in the morning.

- [door clicks closed] - Justin, what happened?

[Justin] I don't know!

I don't know. Everything was perfect,

and then I just, like, blacked out,

and then I woke up running in the forest.

[sighs] I'm such an idiot.

No, it's gonna be okay.

First, we need to find a place to sleep, yeah?

You can stay here with Riley.

Ulrika's next door. I can just camp out in her yurt.

Oh, I wouldn't count on that.

I don't know, I guess I can, um...

guess I can ask Maisy.

On the bright side,

I won't be in the bedroom next to you on your wedding night.

I'm such an idiot.

[Billie] No, we'll figure it out, okay?

[sighs] We'll figure it out.

Are we gonna talk about your mom dying?

She's not dying.

Usually you blow past denial right into anger.

Maybe Wayner was right.

Can't get stuck in the past.

[floor creaking]

[Maisy] Who was that?

Sorry. Need to replenish.

The smoke desiccated my vocal cords.

- Good night, sweetie. - Love you, bud.

[footsteps departing]

- [door clicks open] - [Mimsy] Hon, do you have

any coconut kefir?

[Maisy groans]

It's okay.

- I'll make do with goat. - [Maisy sighs]

I don't care how much it costs,

we cannot spend another minute here.

- [chair scraping] - No.

[sighs] Damn raccoons are back.

[Victor] There's the anger. Let it out!

I may not be able to chase my mom from my cottage,

but I can chase raccoons from my porch.

What do you think about "kefir" as a safe word?

[Justin] I have nowhere else to sleep, and everyone hates me.

Mmm. You surprised?

Your Runaway Bride reboot set the Boathouse on fire.

[Justin] Just do it.

Be a hero.

Can't say that I haven't fantasized about it,

but sleeping on my mom's pullout really kills the buzz.

It's not gonna be your mom's for much longer.

Cottage is gonna be yours once Mimsy goes.

Maisy wins.

Again.

She's had cancer before.

Facial dysphasia, phantom rosacea.

Isn't that how she got spider Botox through customs?

She couldn't talk for six weeks. It was heaven.

Yeah.

Unless she really is sick.

Then her timing is perfect.

Killian is about to start his senior year.

I need a vegan celebrity for the Impossible Burger collab.

Opal is interviewing at La Scala.

You gotta hand it to Dad for just dropping dead

- the way he did. - He's not your dad.

Sorry.

Listen, Maisy,

I wasn't around for Dad's "Come to PFLAG" moment, but...

this might be your last chance

to scratch under your mom's lizard skin.

See if there's a human under there.

Or another lizard.

She found Killian a job, but she now has time for Opal?

She invited you to dinner?

She's not sick. She's got an angle.

I just have to figure out what.

What are you gonna do now that

you set fire to everyone's summer?

Gonna fix it.

I am. I'm gonna fix it.

I am not gonna leave the lake

until I give Riley the happy ending he deserves.

The other one.

Oh.

Dealer's choice.

Do we hug? We don't hug.

[J Geils Band: "Love Stinks"]

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Two by two and side by side ♪

♪ Love's gonna find you Yes, it is ♪

♪ You just can't hide ♪

♪ You'll hear it call ♪

♪ Your heart will fall ♪

♪ Then love will fly ♪

♪ It's gonna soar ♪

♪ I don't care for any Casanova thing ♪

♪ All I can say is ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks... ♪♪