Original subtitles

[♪ Tierra Whack: "Only Child"]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[Oliver] Oh, that looks good.

- Beychella? - Quadchella.

The triplets' 17th birthday version.

Triplets? Aren't there four?

Well, Olive's birthday is tomorrow.

She was born after midnight.

Anyway... I'm...

I'm going with Killian,

as in, like, on a date.

We're dating. Sort of.

We're not surprised.

The video he posted of you was so adorable.

You creeped his profile?

[Oliver] What kind of parents would we be if we didn't?

We'll unpack how you're drawn

to family figures when we get home.

Oh, so we're fine with me dating now

after wanting to send me to Bible camp?

It was the only one we could book last minute.

Now, if you'd have sexted a Junior Prof

earlier in the year,

we could've packed you off to swim camp.

Never wanted you not to date, just wanted better judgement.

[Naomi] Now dating boys your age

can still have its challenges. They're all prefrontal cortex

with poor impulse control and poor hygiene...

Hey, what's more psychologically disturbing?

Baby head in the toilet or random limbs?

It's the head, right? It's gotta be the head.

I thought we were done with horror pranks.

Yeah, Whoreen said that someone from “Payne Realty”

is coming by to look at the cabin,

so I figure if we let Murder Manor's

natural gore core shine through

then maybe we got a shot at renting it next summer.

Why don't you put an offer in?

Girl, if I had that kind of cash...

Yeah, but Maisy does, right?

Show Maisy the trust.

I know you were saving it for a big play

but she might help if she thinks that her dream reno

- all comes to us one day. - It might persuade her

to buy us out.

Ah man... that would be enough for a down payment.

[knocking]

[giggling]

Lock up your spouse.

Jayne Payne will sell da house!

Still workshopping my tagline.

Jayne, you're Payne Realty?

Yeah, Payne is my maiden name.

No pain, all gain. With Jayne... not bad.

Well, since when did real estate

become your side hustle?

It used to be my main hustle

but then the girls came and I had to get out of the life.

It just... it took too much.

But there's been some local interest

and Whoreen asked if I could help and so I thought...

“Let's see if she can still dance.”

[sigh] Teesa's posts

made this space look like a lot cuter.

Yeah, we just took all of our stuff down

so this is the cabin's original charm.

- Is that blood splatter? - It's not fresh.

Oh. Okay...

Show Maisy the trust.

Honesty is the way to go.

Yeah, it's also a long shot.

[Jayne screams]

Oh, you found Rosemary's baby head!

[♪ Lois Ann Struck: "You'd Sing Love"]

- Maiser! - [quietly] Ow.

What are you doing to my favourite shorts?

I'm fixing a button.

You're letting them out?

I... I told you that following Opal

on his patisserie journey would have consequences.

I was supposed to roll the dough, not become it.

No, no, no, no. No fatphobic talk, okay?

Pro athletes have such unrealistic beauty standards.

Long flow, washboard abs, dumptruck ass...

No man has all three.

I just... pulled my back doing a baby gym session.

Tiltapalooza's next week and how can I defend my title?

You suck it up and suck it in.

Go have a shvitz at Ulrika's

and loosen that back up.

Because I married a ten time champion.

Thanks, babe.

[knocking]

[sing-songy] Hello.

Oh.

What do you want?

Um... So... Um...

[clears throat]

Dad never told me about a trust.

Probably 'cause he's not your dad

but the long and the short of it is...

the cottage is mine.

[heavy classic rock plays]

But... Derrick left the cottage to me.

Yes, correct.

But once you leave it or kick it,

the cottage comes to me.

Oh, well, I don't plan

on kicking it any time soon, so...

Maisy, this is not about us.

This is about the kids.

And this document says that any money that you spend

on the cottage goes to Billie, not Killian and Opal.

Which is why I'm proposing

that you buy me out

for half the cottage's current value.

Which would be cheaper than post-reno

and it'll let me put an offer on the murder cabin.

And then, maybe, Maisy, we can just put

all this family drama shit behind us.

I appreciate you telling me.

Why don't we just go down to the dock and discuss it?

So you can drown me?

Not if you push me first.

I'll just grab us some coffee.

Okay. All right.

But Billie knows where I am

just in case anything happens.

Duly noted.

Are you still four creams?

Black.

Actually, two, lactose free if you've got it

or oat, almond in a pinch is fine.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

Honesty is the way to go.

[muzak instrumental]

♪

♪

[quietly] Dammit.

[♪ Haiku Hands: "Jupiter"]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, Jupiter ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, Jupiter... ♪

[talking over each other]

[Wayne] Smile! Just... yeah...

[Olive] Hey!

[Wayne] Wai... wait. Just one sec.

- We'll do you in a second. - 17!

Can Olive not be in this picture, please?

There we go, Olive, go ahead, get in there.

[Olive] Okay.

All right. Looks good.

I feel a little bit underdressed

next to the Queen B.

Oh, shut it.

Your Jared Leto is full fashion meth realness.

[whispers] They wish they looked so hot.

Hello.

Early birthday gift.

Can-do-nabis.

That is so sweet, I hate it.

[whistle blows]

Hey!

Well. [sighs]

I would like to say a few words.

My baby girls are 17, now.

Almost womans...

practically DJs.

Do not take this time in your life for granted.

You have got to cherish these ragers without hangovers.

Okay.

[metallic scrunch]

And don't forget to party the fuck on!

- Woo! - [scattered applause]

- But party safe. Obviously. - Okay, thanks, Daddy.

Let's wrap it up. - Hey, hey, hey,

have you seen your mom?

She left early this morning.

Okay, no boomers at Quadchella.

[Wayne] She won't take my calls.

Don't forget water. Drink lots of water, okay?

- [Keri] You got it. - The answer is always water!

- [Jeri] Love you, Daddy! - [Keri] Bye-yee!

[Wayne] I'm not cleaning up anyone's puke!

Except my own.

All right, people.

[magical ding]

Let the magic begin.

You know, when I dropped that trust bomb,

I half-expected you to come at me with a knife.

It's too messy.

They say that poison is a woman's weapon.

All right, little bro. Dad wouldn't want us fighting.

Still, not your dad.

But it is my cottage.

So respectfully, I have to decline your offer.

It's not an offer.

I'm allowing you, graciously,

to buy me out so you can tear down my family cottage

and build some Muskoka afterbirth with a fugly turret.

It's a Lighthouse gable and it's not cheap.

Neither is reclaimed wood, marble countertops

and Opal's trips to Milan.

We are not in a position to buy you out.

But...

maybe, we could redo the bunkie.

Yeah?

Because... I mean, I'd have to approve the floor plan.

And I've always really wanted a fire pole, and like, maybe

a dumbwaiter or a hot waiter or... No, Maisy, wait.

This is not a negotiation.

All right?

If you don't buy me out,

then everything goes to Billie.

You have no idea

what goes into cottage ownership.

It takes commitment, it takes work,

concepts that you struggle with.

You can't poison me

with your words or your dairy.

I know this was real cream.

[sighs]

I really wish you hadn't done that.

What the fuck!

That was part of a really cute set.

You brought a bone saw?

It's for drywall, you amateur.

You detached the dock?

Had to make sure you wouldn't run away.

Yeah, the grown ups are at the Boathouse

and the kids are at Quadchella

so it's just you and me, baby.

And our little trust issue.

[Justin] Help.

[indistinct pop music]

Today, we honour my sisters' 17th birthday

and the liminal space

between adolescence and adulthood.

As your Shrooman,

I will guide you through today's trip.

There are only three rules.

One, stay with friends.

Two, stay in nature.

And three... stay hydrated.

Ew. This tastes like trash.

Yeah, it's poison, not truffles.

Don't worry.

I secretly micro-dose them every Christmas.

And it's the only time they ever show empathy.

[exhales] Are we really doing this?

Studies show psilocybin has therapeutic benefits.

Cures depression, PTSD.

Let's take our medicine.

Cheers.

♪

[both] Mm...

[♪ Qemists Scores ft. FLIK: "H.O.T."]

♪ And feel the heat (And feel the heat) ♪

♪ Straight on the street (Straight on the street) ♪

♪ So fresh So fine, all mine... ♪

So crazy how we're all, like...

connected.

You know what I mean?

See?

Empathy.

Why has everyone gone full Midsommar

and I feel... nothing?

Same.

- And we ate a ton of pizza. - Yeah.

Food slows absorption rate,

anticipation, too.

Relax. It'll happen.

[Teri blows air]

You're, like, low key

my favourite, favourite sister!

- Whoa! - Hi.

- [Teri] Everything... - Hi.

[Teri] Everything has a heartbeat.

♪

[giggles] The step-crushins are totally gonna bone.

[Olive] Stop that.

[sighs] Okay, let's go.

- Where? - To get some privacy.

Really? What?

Don't over think it.

What... Well, I mean...

I mean we should maybe overthink it a little bit.

I don't want to pull a Justin.

I mean...

you can pull out but things do happen fast,

faster than maybe you want...

Okay, stop before I pull out, right now.

We'll get some condoms, then some privacy.

♪ If you wanna take it ♪

Hey, Riley!

I am honoured.

What brings Queen Bey to the woods?

Your note at the Gas & Go said you'd be back in five?

I got a hot tip from a buddy of Highway Patrol

that a swan got clipped around here.

So if I find it, I can finally finish the season five finale.

Any chance you could open up the shop for us?

We were just getting snacks and...

Condoms.

Whoa.

Big day.

It's too bad, the Hendersons,

they cleared us out this morning.

But Saggy B and Whoreen don't live too far away.

I'm sure they would help the cause.

Killian could should you.

You... you want me to just ask them.

Well... Ulrika's really been pushing her Womb Wash.

Apparently it works on chickens.

We just have to ask to use the Hendersons' bathroom,

grab a few and bounce.

What? A few?

First times always require a second act.

But... just leave a few for Saggy B.

STI's are tearing through the senior's community.

[laughing]

It's not funny, guys.

It's a serious problem.

Sure.

[laughing]

You two are tripping balls.

Come on.

[wild laughter]

Don't tell Justin, okay?

That's gonna get weird.

Yup.

You can't just bring someone on a dock, Maisy.

I mean, this is entrapment!

You're free to leave.

Well, yeah but I just...

I've never been this far out before

without a pool noodle.

You better hurry. Storm's a-comin'.

Yes, because you poisoned me with dairy.

Not just dairy.

No, you're just... you're just messing with me.

This is just... this is just anxiety,

a little bit of coffee... and my EBS.

- Excitable Bowel Syndrome... - EBS is real, Maisy!

- [Maisy] Is not a thing. - Look it up!

[gloud gurgling]

Just hold on, just...

I'm just gonna hold on. I'm gonna hold it in.

That's fine. I'm fine.

I can swim to shore in a tight ten.

I'll have a boat here in five.

You tear up that trust

and the throne is yours in 20...

No! You can't erase me

and you can't erase Billie...

who's the real grandchild and Dad's trust confirms it.

Blood is thicker than water.

Is that what you tell Billie's parents?

Ugh! God!

Maisy, all I am asking for, here,

is what's rightfully mine.

- Yours? - Yes!

I earned every square inch of that cottage.

I turned this place from a racist fridge magnet

into the next Muskoka.

And I did it with the entire Lake

thinking that I slept with my stepdad to get it!

While his sad, gay son gave up his baby

and his 32 inch waist,

I was being crucified while you were in Australia

getting your micro dick sucked by a Hemsworth.

A Coffs Harbour Hemsworth, they're not the same.

I have bent

these generational mouth breathers to my will.

And I think it's really adorable that you think

you can come in here and take what's rightfully mine

just because your granddaddy

built some shit shack on the Lake.

[sighs]

I am going to tear that baby to the studs

and build an Architectural Digest centerfold.

Goldie and Kurt are gonna lose it.

Well, it sounds gorge and I can't wait

to inherit it when you die because the only thing

that I'm dissolving is a Tums in water.

Do you have any?

Do you really think that you and your excitable bowel

can outlive me?

- I'm younger. - I'm stronger.

I've had to shit since we got here

but nobody tells me what to do.

Not even my own asshole.

- [gurgling] - Oh no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, no, it's coming.

Oh, my God, Maisy, it's coming.

- [Justin panting] - [Maisy] Then, get in the Lake.

[Justin groans passionately]

- Hi! Hi ya, kids. - Hi.

We... we were on a hike

and I needed to use the bathroom.

Of course, sweetie, down the hall.

If it's brown...

- Flush it down. - [chuckles]

Cool windchime.

It was my mother's favourite...

before she died of a broken heart.

And cirrhosis.

How do the colours do that, though?

It looks like they're dancing.

[giggling]

I think you've had too much sun, dear.

Go and get Billie something to drink.

- Yeah. - [chuckles]

[panting]

I got it. Let's go.

Oh, oh, bye.

Is that my bathrobe?

[teens giggling]

[Wayne] What's up with this?

Never seen you here this early.

Huh. Uh-oh.

Trouble in paradise?

No, no, it's all good.

You know, the kids are good.

Maisy's good, but...

You ever wish you could stop time?

It's not a wish, bud, sunk a boatload

into some time machine startups.

Just waitin' to cash in.

It's like... when did our bodies stop playing fair?

Dude, we're as young as we feel.

Hey, take your last season.

You weren't scoring.

They cut your ice time.

But did you leave the party?

Uh-uh. Yeah.

You handled that noise.

That is why you are Vic-The-Stick.

Yup.

Hey! Who gives a fuck what people say, anyway?

Most of us.

- [grumbling] - [Maisy] Oh no,

you are not pooping on my dock.

Get your ass in the Lake.

No, I'm a home pooper.

And there's this tiny Amazonian catfish

that can lodge itself in your urethra.

You come to my house

and you try to extort my cottage.

You throw my triple glazed French mug into the water

and yet you're the victim.

Justin is always the victim.

You knew I was lactose intolerant!

“Oh, I'm gay,

I gave up my baby, I can't do dairy."

Everybody feel sorry for Justin.

You know what?

Justin never does the work.

Like you did?

Sucking up to a racist homophobe like my dad?

And who cured him of that?

- Me! - Yes,

a cis straight white woman

who's never been affected by any of that in her life.

And I did it before I turned 30.

- [groans] - You know what?

I was really hoping that when I saw you

at the boathouse barbecue,

things would be different between us.

All I ever wanted was a big sister.

And all I ever wanted was to not come second

to a talking mudslide.

[Justin] Oh, I'll show you a mudslide!

What? No, no, no! That...

Don't you dare. Don't pull your pants down.

[growls]

That was hand woven in Marseille.

[Justin grunts]

Oh!

The vibes are weird.

Something's wrong.

[Killian] Who invited the kids to Quadchella?

Oh no. They aged backwards.

It's the only logical explanation.

[gasps] See, the triplets.

That is what happens

when you appropriate fairy culture.

Oh no... it's Olive.

And Lil Wayne.

[grunts]

We have to re-bigulate them.

How do we turn you back, Lil Wayne?

Water!

That's it. Remember?

Wayne told us.

Water's the answer.

It's always the answer.

We need to hose 'em down.

We gotta make it fun. They're just kids.

Water balloons.

[gasps]

This is the sacrifice we have to make.

♪

So... question pour Victor...

What do you and Maisers do when you hit a hump-slump?

Juice cleanse, usually.

So...

the other day...

Jayney wants to play a new game

and I'm like “I'm here for it babe.

- What do you got?” - Yeah.

- So she ties me up. - Yeah.

- Gags me. - Nice.

- Then she leaves. - Sweet.

Yeah, for, like, four hours.

- Not so sweet. - Yeah, she went to run errands.

Like, look, I know I have to be supportive

but I honestly did not like that game.

I don't think it was a game, Wayner.

I think she wanted some me-time.

Me-time? [burp]

No way.

My girl doesn't want to party with me.

My girls don't party with me!

I'm still the party.

Nothing's changed.

You spilled some...

Thanks for the advice, Wayner.

[blows raspberry] Dude, I'm full of great advice...

but does anyone listen to me?

- Shit. No. - I can't hear you.

[Wayne] If you see Jayney, would you tell her to call me?

[kids giggling & shrieking]

♪

We did it.

They're all wet.

They should re-bigulate any minute.

Yeah.

What the...

Killian.

See?

We had to re-bigulate them.

Quadchella is two doors up.

Yes, ma'am.

- [giggling] - Sorry ma'am.

What the fuck?

[intense music]

[grunts] Oh.

Oh, God.

- Hey, Dad? - Hey, son.

Got a minute?

If this is about the talent show postmortem,

I'm still not ready.

No, that's not why I'm here.

Oh!

[exhales]

Look, I know your body is going through some changes...

but I just want to let you know

that manopause is perfectly normal.

[quietly] Manopause?

They're one size up.

I'm good.

You know, back on the intermittent fasting.

- I'm feeling great... - Stop.

You are not some sad has-been

clinging to their golden age.

Now, embrace the curves.

Oh...

Hm...

Hmph.

Oh.

So how do you feel?

They're okay.

Yeah!

I'm... I'm okay.

That's it. Work it, Daddy. Work!

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Yeah, I feel good. Thanks, coach.

Oh, I'm gonna queue up a Brené Brown playlist.

We shouldn't have made you go cold turkey.

Thank you, son!

I'm gonna make you proud. I'm gonna be a new man.

Yes!

This was a limited run.

You always ruin everything!

You always ruin everything. You ruined my family!

You ruined my cottage,

you ruined my childhood innocence!

God, would you get over that? We were kids.

You tricked me

into finding our parents 69-ing.

We were playing Sardines.

You told me where to look!

Oh, grow up.

They had been fucking for years.

I was doing you a favour.

You were doing me trauma.

I was eight years old.

I didn't know that my dad was...

- having an affair. - The entire Lake knew!

What did you think, that my mom

was some work friend who was staying

- at your cottage for a week? - Yes!

Because I was eight, Maisy.

Not Dorothy Fucking Parker!

Oh, you could never accept reality.

You still live in a fucking fantasy world!

I always have to have my shit on lock

but you get to be an endless shit show.

Maybe that's why you're such a constipated shrew!

Oh!

You know what?

I don't care what your dad wanted.

I don't even care what that document says.

The cottage is mine.

It belongs to my kids and I will eat shit

before you and Billie take it from me.

I will come for you.

I will come for your kids.

And then...

Are you taking a dramatic pause?

I'm taking a dramatic shit.

Oh! Oh, God!

Lovejoy wins!

We lost the condom

but we saved the bathrobe.

[♪ okayceci: "Love Bug"]

So soft.

I know.

Saved something...

♪ On this drive ♪

- [Killian chuckles] - [Billie giggles]

♪ I just wanna know How you know ♪

♪ That I love you so ♪

♪ Tell me what you want ♪

[Bille giggling]

♪ If you wanna We could get... ♪

Is this okay?

- Yes. - You sure you want to? Yeah?

♪ And if you wanna we could get crazy ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ Drivin' in your car Goin' pretty far ♪

Because I'm Justin and you're Maisy.

It all makes sense now.

Justin and your mom never got re-bigulated

so they are stuck in the past

but we can unstuck them.

By having sex?

See, it's all because your mom stole our cottage.

- Wait, your cottage? - Yes,

it's in grandpa's will.

That's why Justin and me have been trying

to steal it back.

- I'm an idiot! - You've been trying

- to steal our cottage? - What? No, not me.

Well... [chuckles] sort of. But only to help you.

I need to sit down.

I am sitting down.

You know, I wasn't even on board at first

but your mom is kind of a bitch.

She can be a bit harsh, but she's...

Oh, my God, Killian! Don't you see?

If we have sex,

we re-bigulate our family's past,

we bring our parents back together.

This is what our grandpa would want

if he were here, today.

Grandpa Derrick wants us to have sex to save the family?

Exactly.

We have to fuck for grandpa.

Whoa. Stop!

What's wrong?

You tried to steal my cottage

and you lied to me.

I'm not feeling this anymore.

[groans]

[Justin] I feel better now that I got that out.

[Maisy] The memory or the turd?

Maisy, how do we fix this?

We can't, unless we both get what we want.

Hemsworth threesome?

Oh...

It's not our fault.

We never wanted to be brother and sister.

I guess we can get a lawyer.

Or...

We could solve it like adults.

Sacred blood oath?

- Trial by tilt? - Next weekend, Tiltapalooza.

If I win...

you buy me out...

and I take my name off the trust.

And if I win, you take your name

off the trust and you walk away.

[bang]

- [cheering] - Quadchella-works.

[♪ NADUH: "Currency"]

♪ Like wine, I age better Like a fine cheddar ♪

♪ Know that I'm the shit But that shit took forever ♪

♪ Now I'm settling But settling won't ♪

♪ Pass that batshit For a sedative ♪

♪ No you didn't just slip Your mom on the phone ♪

♪ If I hear his name, trust You'll be sleeping alone... ♪

Oh, my God.

[gently] Hey, Miss Carter.

It's Knowles Carter.

Jay-Z was lucky she gave him that.

♪

Is my bedroom free?

Yeah. Sorry.

It got kind of messy with Killian.

I'm a squirtter, too. I'll change the sheets.

What? No.

Not like that.

It's...

- it's over. - Aw.

We're over.

Cottage parties are all drama...

but it all works out in the morning.

But it's probably for the best.

No one should marry their first crush at the Lake.

No one.

How'd the viewings go?

Most ran out screaming...

but it was good to be back in the saddle.

It sounds crazy...

but the houses speak to me.

They tell me who they want.

How much to go above asking.

Do you hear?

They're talking to me right now.

[wheezing]

Oh, um...

[wheezing & laughing]

[chuckles]

[fireworks exploding and whistling]

[moving piano instrumental]

♪

♪

Sorry about your bag.

It was really pretty.

Meh. I got it at Target.

Man, you really are the worst.

[♪ Nylo: "Life Is A Highway" ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it All night long ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

♪ I wanna drive it All night long ♪

♪ Through all these cities And all these towns ♪

♪ It's in my blood And it's all around ♪

♪ I love you now Like I loved you then ♪

♪ This is the road And these are the hands ♪

♪ From Mozambique To Memphis nights ♪

♪ The Khyber Pass To Vancouver's lights ♪

♪ Knock me down And back up again ♪

♪ You're in my blood ♪

♪ There's no load I can't hold ♪

♪ A road so rough This I know ♪

♪ I'll be there When the light comes in ♪

♪ Tell them We're survivors ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it All night long ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

[music fades]