Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Attention, please.

Our Valentine cruise is now ready for boarding.

Well, dad, how do you like the decorations?

Beautiful. You and Julie have done a wonderful job.

Yeah, it's either the Valentine cruise

or a meeting of the heart association.

Well, Julie, everything looks top-notch.

Thank you, sir.

I love Valentine's day.

There's only one problem.

What's that?

-I don't have a Valentine. -Ah, don't look at me.

I never go out with people I work with.

Vicki, I think your father

wants you to be his Valentine.

Oh, gee, dad, can I let you know?

I'm still waiting to hear from Harrison Ford.

Hmm.

Oh, what the heck?

Harrison can wait till next year.

That's my kid.

-Hey, goph. -Hmm.

I got a great idea for a Valentine.

Oh, Isaac, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Do you know who is sailing with us on this cruise?

No, who?

Look at this. Duke Taylor.

-Duke Taylor. -Yeah.

He's my favorite football player of all time.

Mine too.

You know that, when I played high school ball,

they used to say that I threw just like Taylor?

Yeah? Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, Isaac.

It sure is.

Duke Taylor.

-How you doing? -Mr. Taylor, okay.

What an honor to have you sailing with us.

Man: Hey, look. It's Duke Taylor.

-I can't believe it. -Mr. Taylor...

-You know, I've... -Uh, uh,

an autograph... -I'd be pleased to.

Isaac: I used to know your super bowl teams.

-Yeah? -Every one of 'em.

-There you go. -Excuse me.

Isaac: I always bet on you.

Excuse me, sir?

Oh, ma'am, sorry.

Ah, yes, could you please tell me

where I could find, uh, fiesta deck 132?

My name is Kate Langley.

Yes, uh, Ms. Langley. Go right down here.

You turn right. Okay?

Thank you very much.

Uh, who's the big attraction?

That's Duke Taylor, big football star.

Played in four super bowls.

Four? Hmm.

I didn't know football players could count that high.

Listen. I want to make a dinner reservation.

Sir, could I ask you if I...

Pardon me, uh, pretty lady, I didn't mean to bust in.

Oh, that's quite all right, Duke.

You know who I am, huh?

Well, in that case, maybe we can have dinner tonight.

I'm afraid not.

You see, I have a rule.

I never go out to dinner with a man

who's played in less than five super bowls.

How about that?

Sacked before I could even get off a pass.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Hi. Keith Kelly.

Oh, welcome aboard, Mr. Kelly.

Has Cindy Johnson boarded yet?

I'll check.

No, not yet, but I'm sure she'll show up soon.

Of course.

Wouldn't you show up if you knew I was waiting?

Of course.

She better show up soon.

With all these pretty girls around,

she just might end up without a Valentine.

You -- you're a little late for the Halloween cruise.

-Excuse me. I've got... -Or did you lose a bet?

Listen, hot shot.

Some of us have to work for a living.

I'm from musical messages,

and I'm looking for a Keith Kelly.

Oh, why, you've found him.

You? You're Keith Kelly?

You want to see my birth certificate?

Have I got a song for you.

♪ Wait till the ship sails Kelly ♪

♪ and you find out you're alone ♪

♪ big thought to tell you, Kelly ♪

♪ you should have phoned me, baby ♪

♪ you should have phoned when you get back to L.A. ♪

♪ Don't bother to call ♪

♪ I'll be on a different cruise with Charlie Holmes ♪

And it's signed, "happy Valentine's day.

Love, Cindy."

Any reply?

Some people don't care how they make a living.

Oh!

Well, I don't send the messages.

I just deliver them.

Ah, excuse me.

I'm looking for a passenger named Liz merritt.

She's the editor of "new love magazine."

Oh, yes.

She just checked in a few minutes ago.

Are you traveling with her?

No, I own the employment agency that was supposed

to find a temporary secretary for Ms. Merritt.

Unfortunately, I only had one available,

and she eloped last night.

Maybe she read the magazine.

Uh, if you'd like to give Ms. Merritt the bad news,

she's right over there.

Well, here goes nothing.

Ms. Merritt? -Yes.

I'm Sam Corey from the employment agency.

Oh, well -- well, I'm sorry.

It's just that I wasn't expecting a male secretary.

Yes, well, the fact of the matter is, Ms. Merritt...

But I am not a sexist.

Good. You see, Ms. Merritt, what I...

As long as you're efficient, that's all I require.

Ah, yes, well, Ms. Merritt, you see...

You see, I'm doing a piece on the Valentine cruise

for my magazine... -Yeah.

And it must be finished the moment we get back.

Yes, the moment we get back. Well, you see, Ms. Merritt...

-Now, it's a lot of hard work... -Hard work.

Mostly typing and dictation...

Ah, typing and dictation. Yes.

Do it well, and I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

May I say something, Ms. Merritt?

Of course.

-You have beautiful eyes. -Thank you.

Well, it's about time I took a cruise.

Attention, all visitors ashore please.

We sail in five minutes.

Keith: Coming.

Well, who's the message from this time,

my draft board?

Look. I came to tell you

that I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings.

I'm sorry your girl dumped on you.

I -- I really am.

I'll bet.

Now, why don't you just be a nice pussycat and meow off?

I don't know your girlfriend,

but now that I know you,

I think she made the right choice!

Ex-- excuse me. -Hi.

Oh, chasing a mouse, huh?

How do I get off this ship?

Right, well, what you do is you just go down here

to the end of the passageway, turn right,

and it's up two decks.

But you better hurry because, if that horn sounds,

you won't be getting off until we get...

[ Air horn blows ]

...back to Los Angeles.

♪♪

You ladies excuse me just a minute.

I'll be right back.

Hi.

Remember me?

I'm the guy that didn't go to enough super bowl games

to qualify as a dinner companion, right?

Oh, as a dinner companion,

i really don't think you'll have much of a problem.

I'm not interested in them.

I want you to be my Valentine.

Mr. Taylor, I really don't think football players

and college English teachers have very much in common.

Why not?

You teach the one language that I know.

Then why don't you understand?

Excuse me, Duke?

Be right back.

Yeah? -Hi. I'm captain stubing.

This is my daughter, Vicki. -Captain, how are you?

Yes, I've seen you play many times.

It's a pleasure to have you sailing with us.

Well, thank you.

You ever play any football yourself?

Well, I used to play a little in college.

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

I, uh, guess it was high school.

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, actually, after school, a bunch of us guys

used to get together and throw the ball around a little.

Oh, I see.

It was nice meeting you, Duke.

-My pleasure. -I'll see you around.

Okay, captain.

Well, I think we've relaxed enough.

We've got a lot of work to do.

Let's get to work.

We've only been here five minutes.

Well, in five minutes,

I could have dictated five pages.

-That fast? -Yes, uh, Sam, look.

I've got to call my office.

Meet me in my cabin in say, um, 30 minutes.

30 minutes. Okay.

I'll be there with my pencils sharpened.

Good.

Oh, hello, doctor. -Hi, Ms. Merritt.

I didn't know you were taking the cruise.

Neither did I.

But the first minute I saw her,

I decided to hire myself as a secretary.

Well, you're entitled. You own the agency.

Yes, but what she doesn't know

is that I can't take shorthand.

I don't type.

Oh, she's gonna find out.

I know. I lost my head.

Now I'm gonna lose my agency.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

I have one of those little, uh, microcassette recorders.

Now, instead of taking dictation,

just stick it in your pocket,

record everything she says and type it up later.

She'll never know.

Doc, you're brilliant.

-Ah. -Sneaky but brilliant.

Well, every Valentine cruise needs a sneaky cupid.

Come on.

Those are my Valentine specials.

One sip, and your heart flutters.

Julie.

-Yeah? -A little problem here.

Suzie Scott from musical messages.

Yes, we've met.

Hi, Suzie.

How would you like a nice saucer of milk?

I went to apologize to that idiot,

and the ship sailed. -Oh.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Don't tell me. A stowaway.

Will you get off of my case?

How do you handle stowaways?

Do you throw 'em in the brig or over the side?

Actually, it's the policy of the ship

to make the passenger pay.

But I don't have enough money to pay for this trip.

I don't even have enough money to pay for dinner.

You're lucky. Dinner comes with it.

I don't know what we're going to do,

but first, let's get you some clothes.

Wa-- wait a minute.

In a way, I feel kind of responsible for all this.

So if her cruise was paid for,

that would get her off the hook, right?

Right.

Well, here's a dollar from me.

See if you can get all the other passengers

to kick in a buck.

Let's see.

Um, what woman, whether young or old,

has not secretly yearned for an exotic setting?

And what better place than a luxury liner

to find love and romance?

Uh, add to that, uh,

balmy breezes and starry nights.

No, no, no, no. Strike that.

Uh, let's see.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

And the feeling of love and romance turns to pure magic

when two people share it on Valentine's day.

Am I too fast for you?

No, you're just my speed.

And remember, ladies, true love can be right under your nose.

So the important thing is to have your nose

in the right place.

♪♪

Hi. You mind if I join you?

You don't take no for an answer, do you?

No.

Hey. Tell me something.

Uh, do you have something against football players,

or is it just me?

Well, to be perfectly honest, as a schoolteacher,

it bothers me that the university gives scholarships

to football players rather than more worthy students.

You know, some college football players

are very good students. -Oh, please.

Most of them have I.Q.S

lower than the number on their jerseys.

Yeah, you're right.

Everyone knows that football players

are just brainless animals just as everyone knows

that schoolteachers are cold, unfeeling bookworms

who end up as old maids.

Okay, point well made.

Well, now that we're people

and, uh, not stereotypes anymore,

would you like to go dancing after dinner?

Well, let's see how dinner works out first.

Great.

You still here?

I thought you'd be swimming back to shore by now.

If you had your way, I know I would be.

But thanks to Julie,

I'm trying to work off the price of a ticket.

Well, I'd ask you to join me,

but I'm sure the help

isn't supposed to dine with paying customers.

Thanks anyway, but I wouldn't want to fight off

the hordes of women

you already have surrounding your table.

Ta-ta.

-Captain stubing... -Hmm?

...i have a message for you.

♪ Steer, steer, steer the boat ♪

♪ you deserve our praise ♪

♪ merrill, merrill, merrill, merrill, how about a raise ♪

[ Applause ]

Happy Valentine's day from your crew.

Well, thank you. Thank you. And nice try.

It's a wonderful idea, Julie, for Valentine's day.

I just hope she's within our budget.

Oh, don't worry about that, sir.

She's even sharing my cabin.

Our Julie drives a hard bargain.

Yeah, you know our Julie.

Well, that's excellent.

Well, it's nice to have you aboard.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

I like to see a girl who sings for her supper.

Tell you what. I'll donate dessert.

No, thank you. You eat it.

Sam, when we get back,

remind me to call the head of your agency

and tell him what a wonderful job you're doing.

Well, thank you.

The boss and I are pretty close,

but every little bit helps.

No, really. Believe me.

It's not every secretary that can keep up with me

when I'm dictating.

Well, when you enjoy your work as much as I do,

it's pretty easy.

Well, you're in for an enjoyable evening

because I need all those notes typed up right away.

See you tomorrow, Sam.

♪♪

Liz: And this sensuous scene

is taking place aboard a luxurious...

Not so fast.

And this sensuous scene.

Uh, and. And.

"A." that would be "a."

"A." this is ridiculous.

It was just here a minute ago.

Ah, "a."

There you are, you little rascal.

"N."

"N."

Okay.

All right, folks, moving right along.

"D." "d."

Missed it by that much.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations, soft music plays ]

I'll donate dessert.

No, thank you. You eat it.

And it's signed, "I love you

on Valentine's day and every day. George."

Oh.

What's new, pussycat?

Will you get off my case already?

I mean, I'm sorry for what I did before,

but you really irked me.

No, no. You were right.

I -- I deserved it.

It was pretty funny. Friends?

Honest? No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

Okay.

Besides, who could stay mad at anyone as cute as you?

[ Can hissing ]

Oh, I -- I guess I just misjudged you.

I -- I mean, I really thought you'd try to get me back.

No, no. That would be childish.

Oh, and you're not the childish type, right?

Not me. I'm one of those people who --

who let bygones be bygones.

Well, I hope you're one of those people

who brought another tuxedo or a lot of cleaning fluid.

I should've known something was wrong

when you were being so nice.

I bet you couldn't wait to spray that in my face.

It serves me right. I gue--

I guess I have been acting like a jerk.

And now you look like one, too.

You know, you had a right to be angry.

It's not much fun being stood up by your Valentine.

But after all, that wasn't my fault.

I know.

Look, you're here alone, and -- and I'm here alone.

What do you say we go change our clothes

and catch a dance before the band quits for the night?

Yeah, I think I'd like that.

Who knows?

Maybe, tomorrow, I'll even send you a singing Valentine.

Let's go.

You know, I'm really quite surprised.

At what?

Well, you're a very graceful dancer.

Oh, well, thank you.

You got to be graceful when you got thousands of pounds

of mean defensive linemen charging at you.

Yep, otherwise,

they'd wrap you up and ship you home to mama.

And that is not the kind of Valentine

your mama likes to get.

But you know what really surprises me?

Hmm?

Well, it's such a violent sport,

and you're really just a mama's boy at heart.

Yeah, you're right.

That's why we always say, "hi, mom,"

after we score a touchdown.

There's something about you that surprises me, too.

What?

How come nobody's grabbed up a smart lady like you?

Well, uh, maybe men don't like smart ladies.

Well, I like smart ladies.

Ooh!

What happened? Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just a trick knee I got from a game one day

when I wasn't quite so graceful.

It happens a lot.

It pops out, and it pops back in.

It'll be all right in a few minutes.

Well, is there anything that I can do?

Well, the doctor said, whenever it happens,

I should take a walk around the deck twice

with a beautiful lady

and call him back in the morning.

He's a very good doctor.

Well, if that's what the doctor ordered...

Mm-hmm.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

-Hi. -Oh, hi.

Doc thought you might need some coffee.

Thank you. Uh, just put it right there.

All right. How's it going?

Well, if this were the last page,

I'd almost be finished.

If I were you, I wouldn't enter any typing competitions.

I just can't concentrate knowing that Liz

is onboard ship somewhere looking gorgeous.

Liz?

Yes, Liz merritt.

Oh, yeah.

I just saw her in the acapulco lounge

dancing with some dude.

Dancing with some dude?

Well, that's it.

I'm getting out of here.

I've got all night to finish that.

He'd better plan on a week.

♪♪

[ Soft music plays ]

Mind if I cut in?

Sam, I thought you'd still be typing.

All finished.

Already?

Well, there's no end to my talents.

Yes, uh, I'm beginning to believe that.

Feeling any better?

Yeah, a little.

But I guess everybody's got some pain in life to overcome.

Oh, but you kept playing with the pain.

You could've quit.

Well, if I was a quitter, I wouldn't be here with you now.

That's true.

I'm glad you're not a quitter.

Say, what's that?

What?

That's a quarterback sneak.

I'm beginning to like football.

Maybe I should learn a little more about the game.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks for the dress, Julie.

Oh, my pleasure.

I'm glad my dress is gonna have a good time tonight.

You know, I've been thinking.

Maybe under that angry exterior,

Keith is really a pussycat after all.

Well, you pussycats have to stick together, don't you?

I guess I was wrong.

He's really a leopard.

And we all know leopards can't change their spots.

Tonight certainly turned out

to be a wonderful evening, Sam.

It certainly did.

I must say, it was the first night

I ever danced with my secretary.

Yes, well, it's the first night...

...i ever kissed my boss.

Well, uh, I believe

in good employer/employee relationships.

Good 'cause I plan to put in a lot of overtime.

Come on. Let me take you to your cabin.

Uh, no, thanks.

Let's save some fringe benefits for another day.

Good night.

Liz: And what woman, whether young or old,

has not secretly yearned for an exotic setting?

[ Tape fast-forwarding ]

Good night.

See you at breakfast.

Oh, you don't you want me to come in for a while?

Uh, we better not.

Okay.

See you at breakfast.

Good night.

Uh, my knee went out on me again.

I -- I don't think I can make it back to my cabin.

Well, do you think you could make it into my cabin?

I can try.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Good morning.

Say, what happened to you last night?

You change your mind?

Yes, but I haven't changed my mind about you.

May I sit down?

Of course, at any table but this one.

What's eating you?

When you ask a girl to go dancing,

and when she shows up, you shouldn't be dancing

with some bleached blonde who's nibbling on your ear.

She missed dinner.

Oh, funny.

You needed a body contact fix so fast

you couldn't wait for me? -Aw, come on, Suzie.

It was a girl-ask-boy-to-dance number.

She asked me.

You weren't there yet, so I danced with her.

You really looked like you were suffering.

Hey, we're not married.

We're not engaged. We're not even valentines.

But it's still nice to treat a human being

like a human being. Listen.

You don't have a very good track record with me.

And from now on, in this race,

you're an also-ran.

How does anybody eat so much for breakfast?

Oh, this will give me the strength I need

to make it through until lunch.

One of the habits I picked up during my football days.

Oh, how's your knee?

Well, that reminds me.

When we get back, I got to call that old team doctor of mine,

let him know you're gonna take his place.

Ooh, you think we may have found

a cure for the old trick knee last night?

Oh, yeah.

Hiya, Duke. You got a minute?

Yeah, I do now, gopher.

All right. Great. Listen.

I found a copy of your book in the library.

Do you think you could autograph it for me?

-Sure. -Oh, thank you.

Really. Great.

Terrific autobiography. -Thank you.

You bet.

-There you go. -Appreciate it, Duke.

Sure thing.

You didn't tell me you wrote a book.

Well, I didn't think you'd be interested.

It's not exactly your cup of tea.

Well, the book may not be, but the author sure is.

Oh, well, thank you.

[ Knock on door ]

-Hi. -Hi.

Grab yourself some coffee, and let's get to work.

Whew.

Oh, did you bring the notes

that you typed up for me yesterday?

Uh, the notes, yes. Uh, I mean, no.

Oh, well, you better go back to your cabin and get them.

We're gonna need them.

I can't. There aren't any.

"There aren't any."

What is this, one of those comic valentines?

Liz, I am not a secretary.

I can't take dictation. I can't type.

I don't even know how to take a coffee break.

What?

Do you mean to tell me

that there is nothing down on paper?

-Nothing. -Oh, no.

Well, how did that secretarial agency ever hire you?

I own the agency.

You see, Liz, when I tried to get you someone

at the last minute and couldn't,

I came down to the ship to tell you.

Then, when I saw you, I wanted the job for myself.

Oh, terrific.

A whole day's work shot.

But, Liz, the only reason I did it

was because I was so attracted to you.

But I have a deadline to meet,

and now, thanks to you, I am not gonna meet it.

Oh, I think you better just get out of here.

-But, Liz... -Out.

-But, Liz... -Out.

I wish you would let me expla--

out.

I suppose lunch is out of the question.

-Out. -Appreciate your frankness.

The really crazy thing is I'm nuts about her.

Well, I'm sorry, Keith,

but sounds to me like you and Suzie

just got off on the wrong foot

and stayed there. -I know.

Everything just got out of control.

Julie, you can say something to her, can't you?

No, I can't. You got to do that yourself.

-Ms. McCoy. -Yes, sir?

May I have a word with you, please?

Yes, sir. Excuse me.

That, uh, young lady in the pussycat costume

in the dining room last night...

-Yes, sir? -Yes, well, I just

heard that she wasn't actually hired for this cruise,

was she?

Well, no, sir, but I thought that...

I admire your compassion, Julie,

but rules are rules.

I still have the line to answer to.

I'm afraid she's gonna have to pay for her passage.

Ladies and gentlemen, happy Valentine's day,

and welcome to cabo San Lucas,

a romantic little hideaway to please any taste.

Our launches await you on the coral deck gangway.

While you're ashore,

enjoy lunch at an open-air café

or picnic on the beach.

But don't be late getting back.

We sail at 3:00.

♪♪

Why don't you see if you can move 'em up to aloha deck?

Uh, excuse me. Gopher?

Mm-hmm? Oh, hi, Kate.

Hi. I was wondering

if I could borrow your copy of Duke's book.

Duke's book. Yeah, um, right here.

Duke's book. -Thank you.

Ah, some parts of that are a little rough.

Oh, well, Duke already told me about his bad knee,

so I know the book has violence.

-Uh-huh. -Thanks a lot.

Mm-hmm.

If she thinks there was a lot of action on the field,

wait till she gets to the bedroom scenes.

Mr. Kelly?

Why, hello, there, Suzie.

How's the musical messages business today?

Oh, I have one for you.

For me?

The deck is yours.

♪ Oh, my darling ♪

♪ oh, my darling ♪

♪ oh, my darling Keith, my love ♪

♪ how I miss you ♪

♪ long to kiss you please say yes ♪

♪ oh, Keith my love ♪

And it's signed, "passionately, Mona."

Thank you.

Oh, she's the girl I was dancing with last night.

Oh.

That was very nice, Suzie.

Here.

Here's $20 for yourself. -Oh.

They're already paid for. -They're?

Yes. I have more for you.

Really? Go ahead.

[ Clears throat ]

♪ I'll be coming to your cabin later on ♪

♪ I'll be coming to your cabin later on ♪

♪ I turned on when I saw you ♪

♪ wait and see what I got for you ♪

♪ I'll be coming to your cabin later on ♪

It's signed, "happy Valentine's night.

Jane."

Jane? Oh, yes.

I -- I met her last night after Mona.

Please take this $20 as a tip.

I'm sure tonight will be worth much more than that to me.

Keep it.

And sing these to yourself.

They're all for you.

There's one play you made I'll never forget.

Packer game, six seconds to go.

You guys were down three points.

-Oh, yeah. -You remember that one?

-Yeah. -Oh, man, that was exciting.

The ball was snapped. They blitzed you.

You ran back to your own 20.

All your receivers were covered. You had to run for it.

You ran 80 yards to score the winning touchdown.

You broke seven tackles.

-And four ribs. -Wow.

-Yeah. -That's fantastic.

-Hi, Kate. -Hello.

I thought you'd like to know that I just read your book.

Oh, good. What'd you think of it?

Does this answer that question for you?

Hey, Kate, wait a minute.

No, no, no. Forget it.

I don't want to be one of the conquests in your sequel.

Wow. I liked the book.

Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you enjoyed your visit

to cabo San Lucas.

Our next stop is the port of Los Angeles.

Liz, I'm sorry for what I did.

Here's your magazine article.

I typed it up as best I could.

From what notes?

I thought you didn't take dictation.

I don't.

I had a recorder hidden in my pocket,

but it broke.

So I tried to remember everything you said.

And what I couldn't piece together, I filled in myself.

Filled in yourself?

Oh, why is it that everybody thinks they're a writer?

I was just trying to help.

Don't you think you've helped me enough on this trip?

Just stay out of my sight.

Pink lady, please.

Brandy Alexander, please.

Strawberry daiquiri, please.

Some Valentine's day.

Now, don't tell me a pretty girl like you

doesn't have a fella.

I got a fella.

He's got 40 other girls.

Mm. Mine had that many just in the first chapter.

How do you think I feel? I'm the editor of "new love,"

and I don't know the first thing about it.

-I read that all the time. -So do I.

Well, I hope you haven't read this month's issue

because we'll probably all be curling up with it tonight.

By the way, can either of you type?

Just thought I'd ask.

Double vodka, straight up, please.

Um, want an onion?

Why not? I don't have a date tonight.

Isaac, get me a very weak scotch and soda, very weak.

Okay.

Ah, enough.

And leave the bottle, please.

Happy Valentine's day, fellas.

Hey, you're Duke Taylor, aren't you?

Mm.

Hey, listen.

I'm having some trouble with a lady, you know?

I'll bet you can help me out.

[ Laughs ]

Believe me, I'm having problems of my own.

You think you got problems?

How'd you like to be in love with your boss?

Check, please.

Uh, no, she's a woman, a writer.

-Mine's a teacher. -Mine's a pussycat.

That's a costume she wears.

What is it with women anyhow?

Come on, Isaac. I thought bartenders

were supposed to have all the answers.

Well, I may not have all the answers,

but I learned one thing

from watching Duke here play football.

Steeler game, 1976, remember?

Are you kidding me? We lost that game 57 to nothing.

Yeah, that's what I learned.

You can't win 'em all.

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you

who haven't found someone to be your Valentine,

there's still time left.

So join us on the lido deck

for our gala champagne party Valentine dance.

[ Soft music plays ]

Oh, dad, I think this is the prettiest Valentine dance

we've ever had. Don't you?

Well, I'm sorry, honey.

I can't think of anything

when I'm dancing with my best girl.

-May I, sir? -No, gopher.

Get your own Valentine.

Aw, poor gopher.

No one to dance with?

Join us?

-Julie. -Yeah.

Looks like you struck out twice.

Beautiful party, Isaac.

Yes. Quite lovely.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy yourselves. -Thank you.

Do you know who that guy is over there?

You mean Duke Taylor?

Oh, you're a football fan?

No, just an avid reader.

Well, I've read everything he's ever written.

Really?

I didn't know he was a writer.

He isn't.

-Really? -Yeah.

You're the editor of "new love" magazine?

So how come you don't have a Valentine on this cruise?

Well, I had one,

but I cut him out in the final draft.

I know the feeling.

You know, I have read your magazine.

Really? I'm surprised.

It's mostly for women.

Yeah, I -- I -- I read it over some woman's shoulder

on the bus.

Oh, I see.

You know, I've never met

a professional football player before.

Well, I won't tell if you won't.

Thank you.

You know, my father loves football.

Every Sunday, he's practically glued to the TV set.

Yeah? There's a lot of sundays

I could've used some glue to hold myself together.

-You know, you'd like my father. -Is that right?

Yeah, you're practically the same age.

♪♪

Kate.

Leave me alone.

I don't -- I don't want to have anything to do with you.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Time out.

I just want a minute of your time.

Kate, if I did all those things I said I did in that book,

I'd have died of exhaustion years ago.

Are you telling me it's fiction?

No, not all of it.

Let's just say it's exaggerated a bit.

The publisher told me that's what sells books.

But don't you care what people think about you?

Sure, I care. But mostly,

i guess I just care that they think about me at all.

You know, when you're a celebrity, Kate,

people treat you different, like you're something special.

After I got finished playing football,

I didn't want to go back to being a nobody again.

But you're not a nobody.

Yeah, I know that now.

But I didn't know it then.

Kate, I'm not afraid of losing the spotlight anymore.

I'm only afraid of losing you.

Duke...

You don't have to worry about that anymore.

Gee, I'm really sorry things didn't work out for you.

Yeah, I was really getting to like Keith.

Oh, I meant I was sorry things didn't work out

about the money.

Well, you can't say you didn't try.

You know, I was singing and dancing my feet off

trying to make it.

Just tell the captain that I'll pay him back

as soon as I can. -Okay.

♪ Suzie, Suzie ♪

♪ listen to what I say ♪

♪ I sent those telegrams ♪

♪ hoping your fare to pay ♪

♪ there is no Jane or Mona ♪

♪ you are my one and owna ♪

♪ so after the cruise ♪

♪ my loving suze ♪

♪ be my Valentine every day ♪

Is this another one of your jokes?

The only joke is this costume.

This pussycat loves you, baby.

One more kiss like that, and you're gonna

hear the loudest roar you ever heard.

Mm.

♪♪

Sam: Liz?

Oh, what do you want?

Well, I thought I might give you some dictation.

You didn't want to read what I wrote,

so I thought I might dictate it to you.

Sam, you're wasting your time.

And what's worse than that, you're wasting my time.

You know something? For a woman

who took this cruise to write about love,

you really blew it.

Remember what you said to me before

about love being right under your nose?

Well, it was right under yours all the time,

and you never even saw it.

Sure, I may have lied about being a secretary,

but I never lied about my feelings for you.

To quote one of my favorite authors,

"you can find someone to share your home or your life,

but it isn't really love until you find someone

who can share your soul."

Well, that's not a bad quote.

Who wrote it?

You wrote that?

It's not hard to write about love

when you're right smack in the middle of it.

I made a mistake.

I do want you for my secretary.

Take a letter to Mr. Sam Corey.

Dear sir, it has come to my attention

that I absolutely adore you.

♪♪

Liz: Oh, you.

Well, I see you two

had a happy Valentine's cruise after all.

Oh, the happiest.

Sam and I are going to be married.

Yes, I'm giving up a temporary job

for a permanent one.

Well, great! Now all you have to do

is decide who's gonna be the boss.

Oh, it's okay with me.

She can be the boss. That's all right.

-You can be the boss. -No, no.

You can be the boss

just as long as you do everything I tell you.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

Oh, gopher, Isaac.

Listen. I just wanted to tell you

that we had an absolutely wonderful cruise.

Oh, great. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah, man. I tell you,

it was more fun than winning that last super bowl game.

-Oh, I saw that game. -Did you?

Yeah. Remember when you threw that bomb for the touchdown?

Do I remember? Listen. It was third and eight.

Got down behind the center...

What am I doing? That's all in the past.

The only thing I care about now is the future.

You know, Duke is writing a new book,

and this time, he wants me to collaborate with him.

Yeah, and after we get finished collaborating,

we might even do some writing.

[ Laughter ]

Take it easy, fellas. -Bye-bye.

-So long. -Bye-bye.

-Bye. -Thanks for sailing with us.

Thanks for everything, you guys.

-Bye-bye. -We had a great time.

Oh, and I'll mail this back to you as soon as I get home.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Hey, why don't you send her your pussycat costume instead?

No, you look so cute in it.

You sure did.

And I ended up with the pick of the litter.

Thank you, captain.

I'll send the rest of my fare as soon as I can.

That won't be necessary.

It's been taken care of.

Thank you, Keith.

You're just lucky you're a pussycat.

You have nine lives to pay me back.