Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a coarse for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

- Sir. - Yes.

Will you do me a favor?

Certainly, gopher.

Squeeze me right here.

What?

Squeeze me right here.

Big squeeze right here.

What do you feel?

Nothing.

That's the problem, sir.

Look at this body.

There's no definition to it.

There's no muscle tone.

It's not firm.

Even my blood is sluggish.

I never noticed.

It isn't easy to see sluggish blood.

It's going to change though, sir.

I got a new exercise machine in my cabin.

It's called a Daisy.

I worked out on it this morning.

That's very commendable, gopher.

But I don't want the rest of the crew to know.

You know, because they like to kid me.

So can it just be our secret until I

spring the new gopher Smith.

Captain stubing: Of course, I'll keep it a secret.

Gopher: Thank you, sir.

Captain stubing: But be careful, gopher.

Don't overdo it.

Don't worry, sir.

I won't.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, watch out.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me where fiesta deck cabins 282, 284 is?

Sure.

You go right through those doors to the left and down two decks.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

Thanks.

It's our first one.

We're the stevenses.

He's Lou.

I'm Harriet, and this is our pride and joy, Johnny.

Uh, Jonathan.

How do you do?

This cruise is a present from our son the lawyer.

Well, that's very nice.

Well, it's the least I could do after they worked so hard

putting me through law school.

Oh, what kind of law do you specialize in, Mr. Stevens?

Oh no, Mr. Stevens isn't a lawyer.

Johnny is.

Mom, I'm a Mr. Stevens too.

Yes, of course you are.

I specialize in divorce.

Yeah.

He's going to be the best there is.

Come on, honey. Let's get settled.

Ok. See you later, cookie.

Your parents are very proud of you.

Yeah.

They're really excited about this cruise you gave them.

Yes.

Well, let's just hope it softens the blow.

You don't have to come any farther with me, Marsha.

You're going to be late for your lunch.

I'm so glad you're going on this cruise, Allison.

So am I. I think.

Allison.

I know.

I know you're right.

It's been almost a year now, and I'm not the first woman

to have that operation.

You've been through an awful lot lately,

but you're fine now.

Most of me is.

All of you is.

Look.

You're a very attractive woman.

Oh, Marsha.

And there are lots of men on this ship.

Find one.

To replace the one who divorced

me because I had the operation.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Allison, please.

Try.

Goodbye, sis.

Goodbye.

Don't eat too much.

Excuse me.

You're one of the ship's officers, aren't you?

Yes.

I'm Dr. Bricker.

My sister over there has just been through a very

difficult experience.

I wonder if you would be kind enough

to sort of watch over her.

It'll be my pleasure.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi.

I'm Adam bricker, the ship's doctor.

May I show you to your cabin?

I'm sure I'll be able to find it myself.

Thank you.

Ah, but I know a shortcut.

I'm sure you know many shortcuts, doctor.

Thank you anyhow.

[Horn blowing]

[Phone ringing]

Lido deck.

Yes, purser Smith.

Mhm.

Speaking.

(Old lady voice) I'd like some information about the tours

to acapulco for me and my little grand daughter.

Ok, ma'am.

I will be on the lido deck until four bells.

Uh, excuse me.

That's 1400 hours.

Uh, 2:00 pm.

Good.

That'll give me three hours to relax.

See you by 2:00.

Ok. I'll be here.

Bye, bye.

[Watch beeps]

[Upbeat dance music playing]

Hey, gopher.

What's going on?

[Knocking]

Gopher, you devil you.

Gin.

[Chuckle]

Eight. Ha, ha, ha.

Here we go.

A beer for you, dad, and a pi a colada for you, mom.

Thank you, Johnny.

Oh, boy.

We are some fancy couple.

Right, Harriet?

We got a waiter with a law degree.

- Uh-huh. - Here you go.

Uh, listen.

I uh-- I have a big surprise for both of you.

I rented an apartment across town,

and I'm going to be moving in next week.

Ah, that's terrific.

Congratulations.

Did you hear that, Harriet?

Our boy is going out on his own.

I heard.

Mom, you're taking this a lot more calmly than I expected.

I was afraid you'd be upset.

No.

I'm not upset, because you're not moving out.

Play, Lou.

Mom, I am a grown man now.

Jonathan, take a little walk around the deck, will you?

Your mother and I have to be alone for a few minutes.

Ok.

Ok.

Don't worry about it, son.

Thanks, dad.

Now, Harriet.

Lou, if you say one word about Jonathan moving out,

you're going to be alone for a lot longer than a few minutes.

Here you go, Cheryl.

Anyway--

go on.

There she was right at home boogeying her brains out.

In gopher's cabin?

Yeah.

And she was a knock-out.

I don't believe that guy.

I'll see you.

I got to go back.

Uh-huh.

Um.

Have you started exercising yet, gopher?

No, sir. No.

I'm going to do that the first chance I get.

I don't want you getting so involved with a machine

that you shirk your duties.

Oh, sir.

Me a duty shirker?

Come on.

See that you don't.

Isaac, give me an orange juice, will you?

Ok.

Should I put a raw egg in it? - No.

Why would I want a raw egg in my orange juice?

Because it tastes lousy with oysters in it.

[Laugh]

What's the story with you today?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I just want to make sure you keep up your strength.

Hey, gopher, want to play chess in your cabin

when it's time for our break?

My cabin?

Golly, my cabin is a big mess.

I thought I'd clean it up during the break.

Oh, good idea.

Why don't we play cards there later on tonight?

Well, because I probably won't be through.

Why don't we play cards in your cabin?

Oh no.

My cabin's not decorated as well as yours.

Ok. I'm going to level with you.

All right.

Ok.

I got a new hobby.

And I don't want anybody to see it until I'm finished with it.

I'm going to be working on it day and night.

Day and night?

He'll be a wreck by the time we get to acapulco.

Hello, miss Newman.

Hello, doctor.

Aren't you going to get any sun today?

[Sigh] I'm afraid I can't take much sun.

I-- I burn very easily.

Well, let's adjourn to the bar.

It's shady there, and I can order

something to cool you off.

What are you going to order to cool you off, doctor?

[Chuckle]

Look.

I appreciate the offer, but i'd rather just stay here and read.

Will I see you at dinner tonight?

I have a feeling I'm on the menu.

Goodbye.

Bye bye.

[Watch beeps]

[Chatter]

Gopher: One, two, three.

Isaac.

He's counting.

He'll never make it to acapulco.

[Sigh] One, two, three-

good evening, miss Newman.

Oh, good evening.

Would you care to join me at the captain's table?

Thank you, but my mother always

told me to beware of sailors.

[Laugh] In that case, I'll change

into my civilian clothes, and we can dine at a table for two.

I'm already at a table for two.

Another time perhaps.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Just take it all away.

Well, my steak was delicious.

How was your dinner, mom?

Is that why you're leaving home, Jonathan?

Because you don't like my cooking?

Mom.

Harriet, he's not leaving home because he

doesn't like your cooking.

He's leaving home, because he's a young man,

and he wants his independence.

He's already independent.

He comes and goes as he pleases.

Did I say a word when he came home late

last Saturday night at 5:00 am?

Mom.

I'm talking to your father.

Dad.

I'm talking to your mother.

Now, that's why he's leaving home.

You are smothering him.

And he's almost 25 years old, and you're still

treating him like he's a child.

I do not treat him like he's a child.

Do I, Johnny?

Well, maybe just a little, mom.

Well, I'm glad he remembers who his mother is.

I mean nobody important.

Look, sweetheart.

Everything's going to be all right.

We'll take his room, and we'll turn it into an office for me.

You don't need another office.

You don't work in the one you've got now.

What do you mean I don't work in the one I got now?

I mean you've been living pretty good all

these years for my not working.

That's it.

Enough. Look.

I brought you on this cruise for you to enjoy yourselves.

If I wanted to hear you argue, I could

have stayed home and saved myself a lot of money.

Both: Now look what you did.

Isaac saw her.

And-- and I heard him.

Heard him?

What do you mean?

Well, I'll spare you the intimate details,

but let's just say gopher does everything by the numbers.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening, captain and Vicki.

Evening.

Where's gopher?

Oh, we understand he's found a new hobby

that keeps him pretty busy.

Captain stubing: Well, don't forget life on a ship

can be very confining.

Everybody needs something to do to occupy their spare time,

release their energies.

Gopher seems to be doing that all right.

Evening, everybody.

Beautiful evening, isn't it?

Yes.

Better for some of us than for others.

You seem to be in excellent spirits, gopher.

Your new hobby must be good for you.

Well, sir.

To tell you the truth, it's a lot tougher than I

thought it was going to be.

But I'm not complaining.

[Light music playing]

What about your laundry?

Who's going to wash your clothes for you?

Mom, there's this new thing.

It's called a laundromat.

You can wash your clothes and meet

cute girls at the same time.

Hey, that sounds terrific.

Let me know if you need any help with your laundry.

Does your laundromat fold your clothes

and put them away in your drawer for you?

Sweetheart, he's a grown man.

He can do what he wants.

And what he wants to do is break his mother's heart?

Harriet, let's not waste this beautiful music.

Come on.

Let's dance. - Yeah.

Dad's right. Come on.

Dance.

Enjoy yourself.

You and Jonathan agree on everything.

Why don't you dance with him?

What do you say?

Let's wait for a waltz.

Woman (on pa): This is the port of San Diego.

We'll be making a brief stop to take on passengers.

Those already aboard are requested not to go ashore.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.

If you just want to step right in here to the purser's lobby,

I'll be glad to check you all in.

Right through here.

Check all you folks in.

Why don't I start with you?

Allison Newman: Excuse me.

Here's the key to my cabin.

I'd appreciate it if you went downstairs--

oh, wait a minute.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but shouldn't we

know each other's names first?

I'm so sorry.

I thought you worked on the ship.

I was feeling a little chilly, and I wanted to send

for something a little warmer.

Listen.

I'll get it for you.

Now, how about those names?

You want my name too?

Isn't it enough I already gave you my key?

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry.

Good night.

Good night.

Woman (on pa): Ladies and gentlemen,

our pleasure cruise continues.

Our next port of call is exciting acapulco.

[Dance music playing]

[Applause]

That's fun, but I'm exhausted.

It's been a long day.

Maybe we'll get together tomorrow.

Gopher Smith please.

He's at the bar in the acapulco lounge.

[Phone ringing]

Acapulco lounge.

Gopher Smith please.

Isaac (on phone): Just a moment.

It's for you, tiger.

Assistant purser Smith here.

Jennifer (on phone): (Old lady voice) Hi.

I'm the lady who spoke to you earlier today

about the tours in acapulco.

I'm sorry I missed you, but I'd still like the information.

How long will you be there?

Ma'am, I'll be here in the lounge until midnight.

And then I'll be in the purser's lobby until 1:00 am.

(Old lady voice) Fine.

I'm sure I'll catch you in one or the other place.

Thank you.

Gopher (on phone): Bye bye.

Oh, hi.

Mind drinking with the help?

It's you.

I'm so sorry.

I thought you were a steward.

Would you accept my apology?

Apology accepted.

On one condition.

What's that?

You dance with me.

[Sigh] I'm sorry.

I have two right feet.

Listen.

I got two left feet.

It'll come out even.

Maybe later.

Ok.

You know, we still don't know each other's names.

I'm Max glutovsky from San Francisco.

So am I.

What a coincidence.

Two Max glutovskys on the same ship.

[Laugh] I mean i'm also from San Francisco.

I'm Alison Newman.

Nice to know you, Allison.

Where do you hang out in our fair city?

I don't know.

When I'm not at the country club or charity work, lunch

at Victor's, trader Vic's, top of the Mark,

cocktails at sanford court.

Sounds like high society.

If it got any higher, you'd have a nosebleed.

Where do you hang out?

Junkyards.

I'm in junk, scrap metal, marine hardware.

I've got salvage yards in San Francisco, San Diego.

But these are places you wouldn't be familiar with.

You'd be surprised.

The only difference is in my group, we don't call it junk.

We call it previously owned metals.

In San Francisco, me and Betsy run

my main junkyard by the bay.

Is Betsy your wife?

No.

My dog.

My uh-- my wife's been gone for nine years now.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.

What about you?

You married?

Divorced.

Well, what do you know?

It's later.

Later?

You said you'd dance with me later.

[Sigh]

Come on.

You're a little tense.

Why don't you loosen up?

It's just I haven't danced in so long.

That's ok.

Harriet, stop torturing yourself.

It's only natural for Jonathan to want to move out on his own.

Come on, honey.

Come to bed.

How can you think of sleep at a time like this?

I wasn't thinking about sleeping.

How could you think of that at a time like this?

Harriet, you'd think that Jonathan

was moving across the world instead of just across town.

My only child is leaving home.

[Sniffle] What else is there for me to live for?

How about me?

Oh, sure that's a fine thing to say

after all I have put up with from you for the past 25 years.

After all you've put up with me?

Well, living with you hasn't been exactly easy.

Oh, I'm really hard? Oh, sure.

I'm a monster.

I'm an animal. - You said it.

I didn't.

I don't blame Jonathan for wanting to move out.

You are impossible.

You think it's such a good idea for Jonathan to move out.

Well, you do me a favor.

You go with him.

That is the first smart thing you have

said since we got on this boat.

And here's the second.

I want a divorce.

[Knocking]

Just a minute.

Ta-da.

Look what I got for you.

French champagne, the best.

Just in time.

We'll use it to toast to our new future happiness.

Now that we're getting a divorce.

A divorce?

Are you crazy?

You can't get a divorce.

Jonathan, don't think of it as losing a family.

Think of it as gaining a client.

I want you to be my divorce lawyer.

Your divorce lawyer?

Well, your divorce lawyer can talk to my divorce lawyer.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes.

[Elevator dings]

Gopher.

Between your duties and that Daisy machine,

you've been at it day and night.

Why don't you take off a little early?

I've only got another half an hour to go here, sir.

That's an order.

Lee, will you take over for gopher please?

Ok.

Thank you, sir. Good night.

Good night.

[Giggle] I had a wonderful evening, Max.

Me too.

You know, you're really something for a society lady.

How'd you get into society anyway?

Nothing terribly clever.

I married into it.

How did you get into junk?

Nothing terribly clever.

My family has always been in it.

I guess you were born with a tarnished spoon in your mouth.

[Scoffs]

Look, um.

Can I see you tomorrow morning?

It's a date.

Chapter two in the continuing saga of the society

lady and the junk man.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Zipper unzips]

- [Scream] - Whoa.

Whoa.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? I live here.

This is my house.

I know.

I'm a-- I'm a friend of your cousin Ellie.

What do you mean your friend my cousin Ellie?

Ellie is in college.

That's where I'm from.

Well, then what are you doing here?

It's a college initiation.

[Watch beeps]

I'm trying to get into Ellie's sorority.

In my cabin?

I'm supposed to take a cruise without paying for it.

That's the initiation.

It was Ellie's idea. - Yeah.

Well, as I remember, she is not from the bright side

of the family.

You aren't going to turn me in, are you?

Getting into the sorority means so much to me.

I don't know.

It's too late to think about that stuff.

Let's sleep on it.

No.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I lost my head all right.

My room.

My bed.

[Sigh]

Have a nice evening.

Morning, mom.

Morning, darling.

Well, dad, here's our table.

What's she doing here?

I'm meeting my lawyer.

You can't meet your lawyer here.

I'm meeting my lawyer here.

This is ridiculous.

I can't be either one of your lawyers.

I'd be too emotionally involved.

Don't worry.

There'll be no emotions involved.

She doesn't have any.

And the only kind you have are for yourself.

Will you two stop it?

Look.

There is no way i'm going to represent

my mother and my father against each other.

Don't think of me as your father.

Just think of me as the party of the first part.

Who made him the party of the first part?

Right.

Just to show you how unselfish I am,

you be the party of the first part.

I will be the party of the second part.

Jonathan, as my lawyer, will you

inform the party of the second part

that the party of the first part wants no part of him?

That woman is your mother.

I can't believe my good buddy gopher

is hiding a girl in his cabin.

He knows it's against all the rules.

Well, rules are made to be broken.

And gophers are made to be broken too.

Oh, I got to find doc.

My back is killing me.

- I'm not surprised. - What?

Nothing.

Got to find doc.

Captain stubing: Ladies and gentlemen,

won't you join us in the dining room

at noon for a glorious luncheon buffet?

Then at 2:00, try your hand at the mixed doubles shuffleboard

tournament on the lido deck.

Good morning.

I didn't see you at breakfast, so I've

been looking all over for you.

I've been up here practicing.

I entered us in the shuffleboard tournament.

We're partners.

Please, Max.

I don't know.

I'm not very good at shuffleboard.

Hey, I'm getting to be an expert.

Come on.

I'll teach you.

Put the stick in your hand.

All right.

Now, get the thing.

Yeah.

Nudge it over.

- Max, please. - What?

Hold the stick there. - Max.

Max.

Just-- just shove it!

What's the matter?

Sorry.

I-- I just don't like to be touched.

You don't like to be touched, or do you

don't like to be touched by me?

It's not that I don't like you.

I do, but--

but you had the night to think it over,

and what's a society lady like you

doing with a junk man like me?

That's not true.

Then, what is true?

Tell me.

Save your breath.

I spent enough of my life in San Francisco

to know there's one hill I can't climb.

Snob hill.

From now on, Princess, the peasant will

stay on his side of the moat.

Thank you very much.

The Princess will live happily ever after.

Ok.

Here's a nice table.

Fine.

And could we have a couple of beers please?

Certainly.

Dad, you know the first thing they teach in law school?

Yeah.

To charge in advance.

No.

Never to make any decisions when you're upset.

So what's your point?

My point is that you and mom decided to split up when

you were angry at each other.

Now that you've cooled off, you've

got to see how lonely life would be without her.

Yeah, well, I have been thinking about it.

There you go.

All you gotta do is go to mom.

Tell her you didn't mean it.

Tell her you want her back.

You're right.

I'm going to do it.

All right.

Ah, here you go.

- Good news, Isaac. - Hm?

My dad is going to make up with my mom.

All right.

That's what I like to hear.

Yeah.

I'm going to go over to her--

I'm just going to say that I acted in anger,

that I'm sorry for all the things I said,

and hope she takes me back.

Oh, I'm sure she will.

After all, I bet she said some pretty nasty things to you too.

Yeah, you're right.

She said I was lazy.

Said I was selfish.

Aw.

She called me a monster.

A monster?

She called me an animal.

Terrible.

Lou Stevens: She even told me the only reason she has stayed

with me was for his sake.

And you think that I am going to apologize to a woman that

says things like that to me?

I will never apologize.

Thanks a lot for nothing, Isaac.

Tell me something, Isaac.

Yeah.

Have you ever considered a career

in the diplomatic service?

Gopher.

Ah, ah, ah.

What's wrong, gopher?

Ah.

Nothing, sir.

It's just a little back problem. It's nothing.

Well, I told you not to overdo it on that exercise machine.

Oh well, it wasn't on the machine.

It wasn't.

Then what was it?

It was, um, calisthenics.

I was trying to touch my uh--

you know, toes.

You know I ought to try that Daisy myself some time, gopher.

Ah.

No, sir.

Oh.

Ah.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Dr. Bricker.

Hi.

I wonder if I could trouble you for a mild sedative.

Well, sure.

Enjoying the ship's high life too much?

If this is high life, I can't wait until we hit an iceberg.

Look, uh, Allison.

I know something's been bothering

you since you came aboard.

You want to talk about it?

To the doctor or to the man?

We're the same person.

Take your pick.

It'd be easier talking to the doctor.

I um-- I've had a mastectomy.

I see.

Was it successful?

But the patient isn't.

Allison, you're still a very lovely woman.

My ex-husband doesn't seem to think so.

Do you know, the day after the operation he

went to another room to start sleeping

alone until I could recover.

Did you let him know how you felt?

One morning, I got up before he went to work.

I asked him-- begged him to share my bed.

He made some lame excuse about being late for the office.

That very afternoon, he went out and got

me a brand new Mercedes.

The next day, he went out and got

himself a brand new girlfriend.

Thank you very much.

Allison.

Allison.

Maybe you're better off with the car.

Allison, you know, not all men would react the way

your husband did.

Maybe not, but I can't go through the pain

of trying to sort them out.

Do you know the first man that was interested in me

after my divorce never called again once I told him.

And that's his loss.

He was looking for a healthy whole woman.

You are a whole woman.

Allison, don't you realize you've won the war?

But you're still fighting the battle.

Maybe I am.

No maybe about it.

You are.

I saw you with Max glutovsky last night.

You were a happy woman.

And today, you're right back on the firing line.

Poor Max.

He asked me to be his partner in a shuffleboard tournament.

I turned him down.

Then turn him up.

You know something.

I just might be in the mood for a shuffleboard game.

Thank you.

Woman (on pa): Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to fabulous acapulco, the most glamorous

resort on the Mexican riviera.

Enjoy your visit.

We're sure you will.

[Knocking]

Harriet Stevens: Come in.

- Mom? - Hi, sweetheart.

I'm in here.

Oh.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, darling.

I have had a change of heart.

Oh, mom.

That's great.

Hey, we can really have some fun now that you and dad

aren't getting a divorce.

Who said anything about not getting a divorce.

No, sweetheart.

I've had a change of heart about your leaving home.

Oh, I see.

See.

I have decided that you really are

old enough and responsible enough

to have a place of your own.

Well, thank you, mom.

And besides, after I divorce your father,

I'll have to have a place to live,

so I thought i'd move in with you.

[Laugh] Won't that be fun?

Oh, we'll have the best of times, Jonathan.

You wait and see.

We will go to the opera, and the ballet, and the theater.

And we'll have little supper parties.

And we'll have the best time.

And after the theater you know what we could do?

We could go to visit my aunt Lily.

You know the one--

gopher (on pa): Attention.

Our shuffleboard tournament is now

in progress on the lido deck, but registration is still open.

So everyone, come along.

And join the fun.

Keep your pants on, folks.

Julie promised to find me a partner.

Here I am.

Ready to play?

I think you got the wrong game, lady.

The royal courts are on the upper deck.

I got the right game.

Hey, we're partners.

Remember? Come on.

- You and me? - Yes.

Oh, that's a match up.

The peon and the Princess touch me not.

Max, please.

Look.

I apologize.

I can't believe my ears.

The lady from Nob Hill descending to such depths.

Max, will you just shut up and accept my apology?

Why should I?

Because if you do, we are going to spend the most

wonderful day together.

After we finish this shuffleboard game,

we'll still be able to catch an hour in acapulco.

I got a better idea.

Congratulation, folks.

We just forfeited.

[Chuckle]

Now, we can spend all day in acapulco.

How about finding a nice romantic junkyard?

Woman (on pa): Ladies and gentlemen, as we bid farewell

to acapulco, we invite you to a romantic evening

of moonlight and music.

Won't you join us on the lido deck?

Think he's in there with her now?

I never thought this would become the best

little cabin on the Princess.

Doc, for his own good, we've got to tell gopher to get

that girl out of his cabin.

I hate to do that, Julie.

He's our friend.

That's exactly the reason.

Hi, gang.

Goph.

Hm.

Hi, can we talk to you a minute?

Oh, not now.

I'm way behind in my work.

It's no wonder.

Well, he's heading for trouble.

It's just a matter of time before someone

tells the captain.

Excuse me.

If anyone comes looking for me, I'll be busy for a while.

Oh.

So much for telling the captain.

[Music playing]

Can I get another one of these, Isaac?

Sure.

Oh, what a time I'm having.

My parents have decided to get a divorce.

They both want me to represent them.

And now, my mother has announced she's moving in with me.

What sign are you?

I'm a Virgo.

Ah.

Your horoscope says use caution when driving.

Hm.

Mm.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I mean somehow a bachelor pad loses a little of its allure

with your mother's name printed on the mailbox.

I don't envy you right now.

Can you believe it?

After 25 years, they're getting a divorce.

How do you split up a couple who

have invested an entire lifetime in each other?

[Snaps] That's it, Isaac.

That is it.

Thank you.

Hello.

I knew you weren't to be trusted.

You told me you'd be gone only 15 minutes after dinner,

and it's almost 20.

I had a little gift wrapping to do.

Max, you shouldn't have.

I know.

It looked better before I wrapped it.

I wonder what it is.

Remember when I sneaked away from you

in acapulco for a few minutes.

I saw this in a shop window, and I

knew I wanted to see you in it.

I said this is Allison.

I hope you like bikinis.

Oh, Max.

Max.

What-- what-- what's the matter?

Nothing.

I always cry at red bathing suits.

Excuse me.

Oh, doc.

Hey.

Thank you for those muscle relaxant pills.

They really did the trick.

Ah.

Hey, all ready for action.

You've had enough action for 10 cruises.

No wonder you're getting away with what you're doing.

The captain's involved.

What are you talking about?

I suppose you don't know the captain is in your cabin.

Oh, I bet he went down there to give Daisy a try.

Well, at least we finally know the girl's name.

What girl?

The girl.

And the captain's in my cabin.

I have a feeling we just entered the twilight zone.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Gasp]

I guess you two have met.

Now, the reason I asked you both here

is because I finally decided who I'm going

to represent in your divorce.

I'm going to represent both of you.

Both: Both of us?

You can't represent both of us.

Sure, I can.

It'll set a legal precedent.

Your divorce is going to make me the most

famous lawyer in this country.

Now, we'll get to the division of property.

Um.

Who wants the bed?

Both: I do.

I have slept in that bed for 25 years.

Who do you think was sleeping next to you?

Oh no. I need the mattress.

You know my back. - I mean I'm used to that bed.

It's very hard for me to find another mattress I like.

Ok. All right.

I'm the lawyer here.

I'll be the neutral party.

Mom gets the bed.

And dad gets the family album.

Oh no.

I want the family album.

You got the bed.

I want the album.

I took most of the pictures anyway.

You never even--

you never even look at it.

Everything you took was out of focus.

Well, you can't both have the album.

How about if we split it up?

Dad gets the wedding pictures.

And mom, you get the pictures of me growing up.

Oh, sweetheart.

I want some of the wedding pictures.

My side of the family were in some of them.

Well, we'll get back to the family album.

Now, who gets the statue of Liberty?

You know, that little souvenir we have over the fireplace.

It's not just a little souvenir.

No.

We got it when we went to New York on our honeymoon.

Yeah.

We climbed every step right to the top.

Up to the torch.

The torch.

You remember when we finally got there, I said,

could you run down and get me a glass of water?

Ok. All right.

So who gets the statue of Liberty?

Well, in my opinion, it would not

be fair to just arbitrarily remove

miss Liberty from that mantle, where she

has spent over 25 happy years.

No.

It wouldn't be fair.

It would be disgraceful.

Jonathan Stevens: Well, there's only one thing to do really.

You'll just have to stay together for her sake.

Well, i--

I always said if you were gonna pay a lawyer

you ought to take his advice.

How about you, Harriet?

I agree.

And we'll look at our family album in our bed

oh, honey.

I missed you so much.

I thought I was gonna die.

I didn't know what [inaudible]

Case closed.

Captain stubing: Assistant purser Smith,

are you aware of the penalty for having

a stowaway in your cabin?

No, but it must be serious if you're calling

me assistant purser Smith.

I could be calling you, Mr. Smith.

As in fired?

To put it more concisely, yes.

Well, I guess you can't get more concise than that, sir.

But it wasn't gopher's fault, captain.

He didn't even know I was there.

Oh.

Well, you do have a point.

At least, not at first.

Thank you very much.

But still, it's an infraction of ship's rules.

[Knocking]

Yes.

Captain, may we say something in gopher's defense?

All right.

Come in.

Uh, merrill, now that you have all the facts,

we hope you realize this was a situation that gopher

really couldn't avoid.

Hey.

And we all feel awful about all the terrible remarks

we made about gopher.

Oh.

Um, gopher, this check will pay for Jennifer's passage.

It's from us.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Hey, captain, you know--

all right, gopher.

We'll forget about this.

But remember, no more stowaways.

Hey, I'm through with that.

Ok.

What do you say we go to my cabin,

open a bottle of champagne and celebrate?

[Cheers]

Allison, I looked every everywhere.

What did I say?

What did I do?

It's not you, Max.

It's me.

We're going to have to have a little talk.

I have a feeling this is something I don't want to hear.

[Sigh] Max, you're the most wonderful man

I've ever met in my whole life.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Where's the but?

Right here.

I don't know how you're going to feel about me

after I've told you this.

I've had a mastectomy.

Oh.

[Sigh] I knew you'd feel like that.

Hey, it's perfectly all right.

Ok.

You don't have to talk about it.

Hey.

I think I do.

And it starts with "hold on a minute there, lady."

You'd think I'd let you get away from me, because of that.

Max, listen.

Be serious.

Think for a minute.

Getting involved with me might--

might be very unfair for you.

Unfair?

Allison, cancer took the first woman I loved away from me.

That's unfair.

I would have given anything if an operation

could have kept her alive.

You should be grateful.

Grateful?

Yes.

That mastectomy saved your life.

It was a gift for both of us.

It it wasn't for your operation, I

might never have had the chance to fall in love with you.

Oh, Max.

Oh, Max.

Well, I hope you had a terrific cruise, Johnny.

Uh, Jonathan.

Sorry.

Oh, it was wonderful.

- Terrific. - Wasn't it?

Listen, Jonathan.

I hope you don't talk all your clients out of divorce.

Otherwise, you'll starve to death.

That reminds me.

You two will be getting my bill for my services.

Bill?

You would send your own mother a bill?

And father?

And father.

Ah, you're right.

I'll tell you what.

Since I'm going to be on my own, you can pay

me off in home cooked dinners.

And I'll do your laundry.

Bye.

Thanks for staying with us.

Adam.

Oh, Allison.

Max.

I'm so glad things worked out for you.

It might not have if you hadn't given me

the courage to take a chance.

Ah.

Thank you, doctor.

Listen.

Thanks for everything.

You're all right for a ship's doctor.

Oh, good luck.

I don't know how I could be any luckier.

I've got everything now.

Goodbye, Adam.

Bye bye.

Thank you all for everything.

And thank you, captain, for being so understanding.

Just do well in school, Jennifer.

Yeah.

And if you see my cousin Ellie, tell her

the next time she has an initiation stunt,

don't keep it in the family.

[Laughter]

- Bye. - Thank you.

Bye bye.

Bye bye.

Ok, you guys.

I've been working out on my machine for a whole cruise now.

I want your honest opinion.

Tell me what you think.

Ready?

[Theme music]