All language subtitles for The Love Boat - S06E17 - Gophers Daisy - Our Son, The Lawyer - Salvaged Romance.en

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a coarse for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

- Sir.
- Yes.

Will you do me a favor?

Certainly, gopher.

Squeeze me right here.

What?

Squeeze me right here.

Big squeeze right here.

What do you feel?

Nothing.

That's the problem, sir.

Look at this body.

There's no definition to it.

There's no muscle tone.

It's not firm.

Even my blood is sluggish.

I never noticed.

It isn't easy to
see sluggish blood.

It's going to
change though, sir.

I got a new exercise
machine in my cabin.

It's called a Daisy.

I worked out on it this morning.

That's very
commendable, gopher.

But I don't want the
rest of the crew to know.

You know, because
they like to kid me.

So can it just be
our secret until I

spring the new gopher Smith.

Captain stubing: Of course,
I'll keep it a secret.

Gopher: Thank you, sir.

Captain stubing: But
be careful, gopher.

Don't overdo it.

Don't worry, sir.

I won't.

Arnold Schwarzenegger,
watch out.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me where fiesta
deck cabins 282, 284 is?

Sure.

You go right through those doors
to the left and down two decks.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

Thanks.

It's our first one.

We're the stevenses.

He's Lou.

I'm Harriet, and this is
our pride and joy, Johnny.

Uh, Jonathan.

How do you do?

This cruise is a present
from our son the lawyer.

Well, that's very nice.

Well, it's the least I could
do after they worked so hard

putting me through law school.

Oh, what kind of law do you
specialize in, Mr. Stevens?

Oh no, Mr. Stevens
isn't a lawyer.

Johnny is.

Mom, I'm a Mr. Stevens too.

Yes, of course you are.

I specialize in divorce.

Yeah.

He's going to be
the best there is.

Come on, honey.
Let's get settled.

Ok.
See you later, cookie.

Your parents are
very proud of you.

Yeah.

They're really excited about
this cruise you gave them.

Yes.

Well, let's just hope
it softens the blow.

You don't have to come
any farther with me, Marsha.

You're going to be
late for your lunch.

I'm so glad you're going
on this cruise, Allison.

So am I. I think.

Allison.

I know.

I know you're right.

It's been almost a year now,
and I'm not the first woman

to have that operation.

You've been through
an awful lot lately,

but you're fine now.

Most of me is.

All of you is.

Look.

You're a very attractive woman.

Oh, Marsha.

And there are lots
of men on this ship.

Find one.

To replace the
one who divorced

me because I had the operation.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Allison, please.

Try.

Goodbye, sis.

Goodbye.

Don't eat too much.

Excuse me.

You're one of the ship's
officers, aren't you?

Yes.

I'm Dr. Bricker.

My sister over there has
just been through a very

difficult experience.

I wonder if you
would be kind enough

to sort of watch over her.

It'll be my pleasure.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi.

I'm Adam bricker,
the ship's doctor.

May I show you to your cabin?

I'm sure I'll be
able to find it myself.

Thank you.

Ah, but I know a shortcut.

I'm sure you know
many shortcuts, doctor.

Thank you anyhow.

[Horn blowing]

[Phone ringing]

Lido deck.

Yes, purser Smith.

Mhm.

Speaking.

(Old lady voice) I'd like
some information about the tours

to acapulco for me and
my little grand daughter.

Ok, ma'am.

I will be on the lido
deck until four bells.

Uh, excuse me.

That's 1400 hours.

Uh, 2:00 pm.

Good.

That'll give me
three hours to relax.

See you by 2:00.

Ok.
I'll be here.

Bye, bye.

[Watch beeps]

[Upbeat dance music playing]

Hey, gopher.

What's going on?

[Knocking]

Gopher, you devil you.

Gin.

[Chuckle]

Eight.
Ha, ha, ha.

Here we go.

A beer for you, dad, and a
pi a colada for you, mom.

Thank you, Johnny.

Oh, boy.

We are some fancy couple.

Right, Harriet?

We got a waiter
with a law degree.

- Uh-huh.
- Here you go.

Uh, listen.

I uh-- I have a big
surprise for both of you.

I rented an apartment
across town,

and I'm going to be
moving in next week.

Ah, that's terrific.

Congratulations.

Did you hear that, Harriet?

Our boy is going out on his own.

I heard.

Mom, you're taking this a lot
more calmly than I expected.

I was afraid you'd be upset.

No.

I'm not upset, because
you're not moving out.

Play, Lou.

Mom, I am a grown man now.

Jonathan, take a little walk
around the deck, will you?

Your mother and I have to
be alone for a few minutes.

Ok.

Ok.

Don't worry about it, son.

Thanks, dad.

Now, Harriet.

Lou, if you say one word
about Jonathan moving out,

you're going to be alone for a
lot longer than a few minutes.

Here you go, Cheryl.

Anyway--

go on.

There she was right at home
boogeying her brains out.

In gopher's cabin?

Yeah.

And she was a knock-out.

I don't believe that guy.

I'll see you.

I got to go back.

Uh-huh.

Um.

Have you started
exercising yet, gopher?

No, sir.
No.

I'm going to do that
the first chance I get.

I don't want you getting
so involved with a machine

that you shirk your duties.

Oh, sir.

Me a duty shirker?

Come on.

See that you don't.

Isaac, give me an
orange juice, will you?

Ok.

Should I put a raw egg in it?
- No.

Why would I want a raw
egg in my orange juice?

Because it tastes
lousy with oysters in it.

[Laugh]

What's the story
with you today?

Oh, nothing.
Nothing.

I just want to make sure
you keep up your strength.

Hey, gopher, want to
play chess in your cabin

when it's time for our break?

My cabin?

Golly, my cabin is a big mess.

I thought I'd clean it
up during the break.

Oh, good idea.

Why don't we play cards
there later on tonight?

Well, because I
probably won't be through.

Why don't we play
cards in your cabin?

Oh no.

My cabin's not decorated
as well as yours.

Ok.
I'm going to level with you.

All right.

Ok.

I got a new hobby.

And I don't want anybody to see
it until I'm finished with it.

I'm going to be working
on it day and night.

Day and night?

He'll be a wreck by the
time we get to acapulco.

Hello, miss Newman.

Hello, doctor.

Aren't you going
to get any sun today?

[Sigh] I'm afraid I
can't take much sun.

I-- I burn very easily.

Well, let's
adjourn to the bar.

It's shady there,
and I can order

something to cool you off.

What are you going to order
to cool you off, doctor?

[Chuckle]

Look.

I appreciate the offer, but i'd
rather just stay here and read.

Will I see you
at dinner tonight?

I have a feeling
I'm on the menu.

Goodbye.

Bye bye.

[Watch beeps]

[Chatter]

Gopher: One, two, three.

Isaac.

He's counting.

He'll never make
it to acapulco.

[Sigh] One, two, three-

good evening, miss Newman.

Oh, good evening.

Would you care to join
me at the captain's table?

Thank you, but
my mother always

told me to beware of sailors.

[Laugh] In that
case, I'll change

into my civilian clothes, and
we can dine at a table for two.

I'm already at
a table for two.

Another time perhaps.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Just take it all away.

Well, my steak was delicious.

How was your dinner, mom?

Is that why you're
leaving home, Jonathan?

Because you don't
like my cooking?

Mom.

Harriet, he's not
leaving home because he

doesn't like your cooking.

He's leaving home,
because he's a young man,

and he wants his independence.

He's already independent.

He comes and goes as he pleases.

Did I say a word when
he came home late

last Saturday night at 5:00 am?

Mom.

I'm talking to your father.

Dad.

I'm talking to your mother.

Now, that's why
he's leaving home.

You are smothering him.

And he's almost 25 years
old, and you're still

treating him like he's a child.

I do not treat him
like he's a child.

Do I, Johnny?

Well, maybe just
a little, mom.

Well, I'm glad he
remembers who his mother is.

I mean nobody important.

Look, sweetheart.

Everything's going
to be all right.

We'll take his room, and we'll
turn it into an office for me.

You don't need another office.

You don't work in the
one you've got now.

What do you mean I don't
work in the one I got now?

I mean you've been
living pretty good all

these years for my not working.

That's it.

Enough.
Look.

I brought you on this cruise
for you to enjoy yourselves.

If I wanted to hear
you argue, I could

have stayed home and saved
myself a lot of money.

Both: Now look what you did.

Isaac saw her.

And-- and I heard him.

Heard him?

What do you mean?

Well, I'll spare you
the intimate details,

but let's just say gopher does
everything by the numbers.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening,
captain and Vicki.

Evening.

Where's gopher?

Oh, we understand
he's found a new hobby

that keeps him pretty busy.

Captain stubing: Well,
don't forget life on a ship

can be very confining.

Everybody needs something to
do to occupy their spare time,

release their energies.

Gopher seems to be
doing that all right.

Evening, everybody.

Beautiful evening, isn't it?

Yes.

Better for some of
us than for others.

You seem to be in
excellent spirits, gopher.

Your new hobby must
be good for you.

Well, sir.

To tell you the truth,
it's a lot tougher than I

thought it was going to be.

But I'm not complaining.

[Light music playing]

What about your laundry?

Who's going to wash
your clothes for you?

Mom, there's this new thing.

It's called a laundromat.

You can wash your
clothes and meet

cute girls at the same time.

Hey, that sounds terrific.

Let me know if you need
any help with your laundry.

Does your laundromat
fold your clothes

and put them away in
your drawer for you?

Sweetheart, he's a grown man.

He can do what he wants.

And what he wants to do
is break his mother's heart?

Harriet, let's not waste
this beautiful music.

Come on.

Let's dance.
- Yeah.

Dad's right.
Come on.

Dance.

Enjoy yourself.

You and Jonathan
agree on everything.

Why don't you dance with him?

What do you say?

Let's wait for a waltz.

Woman (on pa): This is
the port of San Diego.

We'll be making a brief
stop to take on passengers.

Those already aboard are
requested not to go ashore.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard.

If you just want to step right
in here to the purser's lobby,

I'll be glad to
check you all in.

Right through here.

Check all you folks in.

Why don't I start with you?

Allison Newman: Excuse me.

Here's the key to my cabin.

I'd appreciate it if
you went downstairs--

oh, wait a minute.

Maybe I'm old fashioned,
but shouldn't we

know each other's names first?

I'm so sorry.

I thought you
worked on the ship.

I was feeling a little
chilly, and I wanted to send

for something a little warmer.

Listen.

I'll get it for you.

Now, how about those names?

You want my name too?

Isn't it enough I
already gave you my key?

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry.

Good night.

Good night.

Woman (on pa):
Ladies and gentlemen,

our pleasure cruise continues.

Our next port of call
is exciting acapulco.

[Dance music playing]

[Applause]

That's fun, but I'm exhausted.

It's been a long day.

Maybe we'll get
together tomorrow.

Gopher Smith please.

He's at the bar in
the acapulco lounge.

[Phone ringing]

Acapulco lounge.

Gopher Smith please.

Isaac (on phone): Just a moment.

It's for you, tiger.

Assistant purser Smith here.

Jennifer (on phone):
(Old lady voice) Hi.

I'm the lady who spoke
to you earlier today

about the tours in acapulco.

I'm sorry I missed you, but
I'd still like the information.

How long will you be there?

Ma'am, I'll be here in
the lounge until midnight.

And then I'll be in the
purser's lobby until 1:00 am.

(Old lady voice) Fine.

I'm sure I'll catch you
in one or the other place.

Thank you.

Gopher (on phone): Bye bye.

Oh, hi.

Mind drinking with the help?

It's you.

I'm so sorry.

I thought you were a steward.

Would you accept my apology?

Apology accepted.

On one condition.

What's that?

You dance with me.

[Sigh] I'm sorry.

I have two right feet.

Listen.

I got two left feet.

It'll come out even.

Maybe later.

Ok.

You know, we still don't
know each other's names.

I'm Max glutovsky
from San Francisco.

So am I.

What a coincidence.

Two Max glutovskys
on the same ship.

[Laugh] I mean i'm
also from San Francisco.

I'm Alison Newman.

Nice to know you, Allison.

Where do you hang
out in our fair city?

I don't know.

When I'm not at the country
club or charity work, lunch

at Victor's, trader
Vic's, top of the Mark,

cocktails at sanford court.

Sounds like high society.

If it got any higher,
you'd have a nosebleed.

Where do you hang out?

Junkyards.

I'm in junk, scrap
metal, marine hardware.

I've got salvage yards in
San Francisco, San Diego.

But these are places you
wouldn't be familiar with.

You'd be surprised.

The only difference is in my
group, we don't call it junk.

We call it previously
owned metals.

In San Francisco,
me and Betsy run

my main junkyard by the bay.

Is Betsy your wife?

No.

My dog.

My uh-- my wife's been
gone for nine years now.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.

What about you?

You married?

Divorced.

Well, what do you know?

It's later.

Later?

You said you'd
dance with me later.

[Sigh]

Come on.

You're a little tense.

Why don't you loosen up?

It's just I haven't
danced in so long.

That's ok.

Harriet, stop
torturing yourself.

It's only natural for Jonathan
to want to move out on his own.

Come on, honey.

Come to bed.

How can you think of
sleep at a time like this?

I wasn't thinking
about sleeping.

How could you think of
that at a time like this?

Harriet, you'd
think that Jonathan

was moving across the world
instead of just across town.

My only child is leaving home.

[Sniffle] What else is
there for me to live for?

How about me?

Oh, sure that's a
fine thing to say

after all I have put up with
from you for the past 25 years.

After all you've
put up with me?

Well, living with you
hasn't been exactly easy.

Oh, I'm really hard?
Oh, sure.

I'm a monster.

I'm an animal.
- You said it.

I didn't.

I don't blame Jonathan
for wanting to move out.

You are impossible.

You think it's such a good
idea for Jonathan to move out.

Well, you do me a favor.

You go with him.

That is the first
smart thing you have

said since we got on this boat.

And here's the second.

I want a divorce.

[Knocking]

Just a minute.

Ta-da.

Look what I got for you.

French champagne, the best.

Just in time.

We'll use it to toast to
our new future happiness.

Now that we're
getting a divorce.

A divorce?

Are you crazy?

You can't get a divorce.

Jonathan, don't think
of it as losing a family.

Think of it as gaining a client.

I want you to be
my divorce lawyer.

Your divorce lawyer?

Well, your divorce lawyer can
talk to my divorce lawyer.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes.

[Elevator dings]

Gopher.

Between your duties
and that Daisy machine,

you've been at it day and night.

Why don't you take
off a little early?

I've only got another half
an hour to go here, sir.

That's an order.

Lee, will you take
over for gopher please?

Ok.

Thank you, sir.
Good night.

Good night.

[Giggle] I had a
wonderful evening, Max.

Me too.

You know, you're really
something for a society lady.

How'd you get into
society anyway?

Nothing terribly clever.

I married into it.

How did you get into junk?

Nothing terribly clever.

My family has always been in it.

I guess you were born with a
tarnished spoon in your mouth.

[Scoffs]

Look, um.

Can I see you tomorrow morning?

It's a date.

Chapter two in the continuing
saga of the society

lady and the junk man.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Zipper unzips]

- [Scream]
- Whoa.

Whoa.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
I live here.

This is my house.

I know.

I'm a-- I'm a friend
of your cousin Ellie.

What do you mean your
friend my cousin Ellie?

Ellie is in college.

That's where I'm from.

Well, then what
are you doing here?

It's a college initiation.

[Watch beeps]

I'm trying to get
into Ellie's sorority.

In my cabin?

I'm supposed to take a
cruise without paying for it.

That's the initiation.

It was Ellie's idea.
- Yeah.

Well, as I remember, she
is not from the bright side

of the family.

You aren't going to
turn me in, are you?

Getting into the sorority
means so much to me.

I don't know.

It's too late to think
about that stuff.

Let's sleep on it.

No.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I lost my head all right.

My room.

My bed.

[Sigh]

Have a nice evening.

Morning, mom.

Morning, darling.

Well, dad, here's our table.

What's she doing here?

I'm meeting my lawyer.

You can't meet
your lawyer here.

I'm meeting my lawyer here.

This is ridiculous.

I can't be either
one of your lawyers.

I'd be too emotionally involved.

Don't worry.

There'll be no
emotions involved.

She doesn't have any.

And the only kind you
have are for yourself.

Will you two stop it?

Look.

There is no way i'm
going to represent

my mother and my father
against each other.

Don't think of
me as your father.

Just think of me as the
party of the first part.

Who made him the
party of the first part?

Right.

Just to show you
how unselfish I am,

you be the party
of the first part.

I will be the party
of the second part.

Jonathan, as my
lawyer, will you

inform the party
of the second part

that the party of the first
part wants no part of him?

That woman is your mother.

I can't believe
my good buddy gopher

is hiding a girl in his cabin.

He knows it's
against all the rules.

Well, rules are
made to be broken.

And gophers are made
to be broken too.

Oh, I got to find doc.

My back is killing me.

- I'm not surprised.
- What?

Nothing.

Got to find doc.

Captain stubing:
Ladies and gentlemen,

won't you join us
in the dining room

at noon for a glorious
luncheon buffet?

Then at 2:00, try your hand at
the mixed doubles shuffleboard

tournament on the lido deck.

Good morning.

I didn't see you at
breakfast, so I've

been looking all over for you.

I've been up here practicing.

I entered us in the
shuffleboard tournament.

We're partners.

Please, Max.

I don't know.

I'm not very good
at shuffleboard.

Hey, I'm getting
to be an expert.

Come on.

I'll teach you.

Put the stick in your hand.

All right.

Now, get the thing.

Yeah.

Nudge it over.

- Max, please.
- What?

Hold the stick there.
- Max.

Max.

Just-- just shove it!

What's the matter?

Sorry.

I-- I just don't
like to be touched.

You don't like to
be touched, or do you

don't like to be touched by me?

It's not that
I don't like you.

I do, but--

but you had the
night to think it over,

and what's a society
lady like you

doing with a junk man like me?

That's not true.

Then, what is true?

Tell me.

Save your breath.

I spent enough of my
life in San Francisco

to know there's one
hill I can't climb.

Snob hill.

From now on, Princess,
the peasant will

stay on his side of the moat.

Thank you very much.

The Princess will
live happily ever after.

Ok.

Here's a nice table.

Fine.

And could we have a
couple of beers please?

Certainly.

Dad, you know the first
thing they teach in law school?

Yeah.

To charge in advance.

No.

Never to make any decisions
when you're upset.

So what's your point?

My point is that you and
mom decided to split up when

you were angry at each other.

Now that you've
cooled off, you've

got to see how lonely
life would be without her.

Yeah, well, I have
been thinking about it.

There you go.

All you gotta do is go to mom.

Tell her you didn't mean it.

Tell her you want her back.

You're right.

I'm going to do it.

All right.

Ah, here you go.

- Good news, Isaac.
- Hm?

My dad is going to
make up with my mom.

All right.

That's what I like to hear.

Yeah.

I'm going to go over to her--

I'm just going to say
that I acted in anger,

that I'm sorry for
all the things I said,

and hope she takes me back.

Oh, I'm sure she will.

After all, I bet she said some
pretty nasty things to you too.

Yeah, you're right.

She said I was lazy.

Said I was selfish.

Aw.

She called me a monster.

A monster?

She called me an animal.

Terrible.

Lou Stevens: She even told me
the only reason she has stayed

with me was for his sake.

And you think that I am going
to apologize to a woman that

says things like that to me?

I will never apologize.

Thanks a lot for nothing, Isaac.

Tell me something, Isaac.

Yeah.

Have you ever
considered a career

in the diplomatic service?

Gopher.

Ah, ah, ah.

What's wrong, gopher?

Ah.

Nothing, sir.

It's just a little back problem.
It's nothing.

Well, I told you not to overdo
it on that exercise machine.

Oh well, it wasn't
on the machine.

It wasn't.

Then what was it?

It was, um, calisthenics.

I was trying to touch my uh--

you know, toes.

You know I ought to try that
Daisy myself some time, gopher.

Ah.

No, sir.

Oh.

Ah.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Dr. Bricker.

Hi.

I wonder if I could trouble
you for a mild sedative.

Well, sure.

Enjoying the ship's
high life too much?

If this is high life, I can't
wait until we hit an iceberg.

Look, uh, Allison.

I know something's
been bothering

you since you came aboard.

You want to talk about it?

To the doctor or to the man?

We're the same person.

Take your pick.

It'd be easier
talking to the doctor.

I um-- I've had a mastectomy.

I see.

Was it successful?

But the patient isn't.

Allison, you're still
a very lovely woman.

My ex-husband doesn't
seem to think so.

Do you know, the day
after the operation he

went to another room
to start sleeping

alone until I could recover.

Did you let him
know how you felt?

One morning, I got up
before he went to work.

I asked him-- begged
him to share my bed.

He made some lame excuse about
being late for the office.

That very afternoon,
he went out and got

me a brand new Mercedes.

The next day, he
went out and got

himself a brand new girlfriend.

Thank you very much.

Allison.

Allison.

Maybe you're better
off with the car.

Allison, you know, not all
men would react the way

your husband did.

Maybe not, but I can't
go through the pain

of trying to sort them out.

Do you know the first man
that was interested in me

after my divorce never
called again once I told him.

And that's his loss.

He was looking for
a healthy whole woman.

You are a whole woman.

Allison, don't you
realize you've won the war?

But you're still
fighting the battle.

Maybe I am.

No maybe about it.

You are.

I saw you with Max
glutovsky last night.

You were a happy woman.

And today, you're right
back on the firing line.

Poor Max.

He asked me to be his partner
in a shuffleboard tournament.

I turned him down.

Then turn him up.

You know something.

I just might be in the mood
for a shuffleboard game.

Thank you.

Woman (on pa):
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to fabulous
acapulco, the most glamorous

resort on the Mexican riviera.

Enjoy your visit.

We're sure you will.

[Knocking]

Harriet Stevens: Come in.

- Mom?
- Hi, sweetheart.

I'm in here.

Oh.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, darling.

I have had a change of heart.

Oh, mom.

That's great.

Hey, we can really have some
fun now that you and dad

aren't getting a divorce.

Who said anything about
not getting a divorce.

No, sweetheart.

I've had a change of heart
about your leaving home.

Oh, I see.

See.

I have decided
that you really are

old enough and
responsible enough

to have a place of your own.

Well, thank you, mom.

And besides, after
I divorce your father,

I'll have to have
a place to live,

so I thought i'd
move in with you.

[Laugh] Won't that be fun?

Oh, we'll have the best
of times, Jonathan.

You wait and see.

We will go to the opera, and
the ballet, and the theater.

And we'll have little
supper parties.

And we'll have the best time.

And after the theater you
know what we could do?

We could go to
visit my aunt Lily.

You know the one--

gopher (on pa): Attention.

Our shuffleboard
tournament is now

in progress on the lido deck,
but registration is still open.

So everyone, come along.

And join the fun.

Keep your pants on, folks.

Julie promised to
find me a partner.

Here I am.

Ready to play?

I think you got
the wrong game, lady.

The royal courts are
on the upper deck.

I got the right game.

Hey, we're partners.

Remember?
Come on.

- You and me?
- Yes.

Oh, that's a match up.

The peon and the
Princess touch me not.

Max, please.

Look.

I apologize.

I can't believe my ears.

The lady from Nob Hill
descending to such depths.

Max, will you just shut
up and accept my apology?

Why should I?

Because if you do, we
are going to spend the most

wonderful day together.

After we finish this
shuffleboard game,

we'll still be able to
catch an hour in acapulco.

I got a better idea.

Congratulation, folks.

We just forfeited.

[Chuckle]

Now, we can spend
all day in acapulco.

How about finding a
nice romantic junkyard?

Woman (on pa): Ladies and
gentlemen, as we bid farewell

to acapulco, we invite
you to a romantic evening

of moonlight and music.

Won't you join us
on the lido deck?

Think he's in
there with her now?

I never thought this
would become the best

little cabin on the Princess.

Doc, for his own good, we've
got to tell gopher to get

that girl out of his cabin.

I hate to do that, Julie.

He's our friend.

That's exactly the reason.

Hi, gang.

Goph.

Hm.

Hi, can we talk
to you a minute?

Oh, not now.

I'm way behind in my work.

It's no wonder.

Well, he's
heading for trouble.

It's just a matter of
time before someone

tells the captain.

Excuse me.

If anyone comes looking for
me, I'll be busy for a while.

Oh.

So much for
telling the captain.

[Music playing]

Can I get another
one of these, Isaac?

Sure.

Oh, what a time I'm having.

My parents have decided
to get a divorce.

They both want me
to represent them.

And now, my mother has announced
she's moving in with me.

What sign are you?

I'm a Virgo.

Ah.

Your horoscope says use
caution when driving.

Hm.

Mm.

I don't know what
I'm going to do.

I mean somehow a bachelor pad
loses a little of its allure

with your mother's name
printed on the mailbox.

I don't envy you right now.

Can you believe it?

After 25 years, they're
getting a divorce.

How do you split
up a couple who

have invested an entire
lifetime in each other?

[Snaps] That's it, Isaac.

That is it.

Thank you.

Hello.

I knew you weren't
to be trusted.

You told me you'd be gone
only 15 minutes after dinner,

and it's almost 20.

I had a little
gift wrapping to do.

Max, you shouldn't have.

I know.

It looked better
before I wrapped it.

I wonder what it is.

Remember when I
sneaked away from you

in acapulco for a few minutes.

I saw this in a
shop window, and I

knew I wanted to see you in it.

I said this is Allison.

I hope you like bikinis.

Oh, Max.

Max.

What-- what--
what's the matter?

Nothing.

I always cry at
red bathing suits.

Excuse me.

Oh, doc.

Hey.

Thank you for those
muscle relaxant pills.

They really did the trick.

Ah.

Hey, all ready for action.

You've had enough
action for 10 cruises.

No wonder you're getting
away with what you're doing.

The captain's involved.

What are you talking about?

I suppose you don't know
the captain is in your cabin.

Oh, I bet he went down
there to give Daisy a try.

Well, at least we finally
know the girl's name.

What girl?

The girl.

And the captain's in my cabin.

I have a feeling we just
entered the twilight zone.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Gasp]

I guess you two have met.

Now, the reason I
asked you both here

is because I finally
decided who I'm going

to represent in your divorce.

I'm going to
represent both of you.

Both: Both of us?

You can't
represent both of us.

Sure, I can.

It'll set a legal precedent.

Your divorce is going
to make me the most

famous lawyer in this country.

Now, we'll get to the
division of property.

Um.

Who wants the bed?

Both: I do.

I have slept in
that bed for 25 years.

Who do you think was
sleeping next to you?

Oh no.
I need the mattress.

You know my back.
- I mean I'm used to that bed.

It's very hard for me to
find another mattress I like.

Ok.
All right.

I'm the lawyer here.

I'll be the neutral party.

Mom gets the bed.

And dad gets the family album.

Oh no.

I want the family album.

You got the bed.

I want the album.

I took most of the
pictures anyway.

You never even--

you never even look at it.

Everything you took
was out of focus.

Well, you can't
both have the album.

How about if we split it up?

Dad gets the wedding pictures.

And mom, you get the
pictures of me growing up.

Oh, sweetheart.

I want some of the
wedding pictures.

My side of the family
were in some of them.

Well, we'll get back
to the family album.

Now, who gets the
statue of Liberty?

You know, that little souvenir
we have over the fireplace.

It's not just a
little souvenir.

No.

We got it when we went to
New York on our honeymoon.

Yeah.

We climbed every step
right to the top.

Up to the torch.

The torch.

You remember when we
finally got there, I said,

could you run down and
get me a glass of water?

Ok.
All right.

So who gets the
statue of Liberty?

Well, in my opinion,
it would not

be fair to just
arbitrarily remove

miss Liberty from
that mantle, where she

has spent over 25 happy years.

No.

It wouldn't be fair.

It would be disgraceful.

Jonathan Stevens: Well, there's
only one thing to do really.

You'll just have to stay
together for her sake.

Well, i--

I always said if you
were gonna pay a lawyer

you ought to take his advice.

How about you, Harriet?

I agree.

And we'll look at our
family album in our bed

oh, honey.

I missed you so much.

I thought I was gonna die.

I didn't know what [inaudible]

Case closed.

Captain stubing:
Assistant purser Smith,

are you aware of the
penalty for having

a stowaway in your cabin?

No, but it must be
serious if you're calling

me assistant purser Smith.

I could be calling
you, Mr. Smith.

As in fired?

To put it more concisely, yes.

Well, I guess you can't get
more concise than that, sir.

But it wasn't
gopher's fault, captain.

He didn't even
know I was there.

Oh.

Well, you do have a point.

At least, not at first.

Thank you very much.

But still, it's an
infraction of ship's rules.

[Knocking]

Yes.

Captain, may we say
something in gopher's defense?

All right.

Come in.

Uh, merrill, now that
you have all the facts,

we hope you realize this
was a situation that gopher

really couldn't avoid.

Hey.

And we all feel awful about
all the terrible remarks

we made about gopher.

Oh.

Um, gopher, this check will
pay for Jennifer's passage.

It's from us.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Hey, captain, you know--

all right, gopher.

We'll forget about this.

But remember, no more stowaways.

Hey, I'm through with that.

Ok.

What do you say
we go to my cabin,

open a bottle of
champagne and celebrate?

[Cheers]

Allison, I looked
every everywhere.

What did I say?

What did I do?

It's not you, Max.

It's me.

We're going to have
to have a little talk.

I have a feeling this is
something I don't want to hear.

[Sigh] Max, you're
the most wonderful man

I've ever met in my whole life.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Where's the but?

Right here.

I don't know how you're
going to feel about me

after I've told you this.

I've had a mastectomy.

Oh.

[Sigh] I knew
you'd feel like that.

Hey, it's perfectly all right.

Ok.

You don't have to talk about it.

Hey.

I think I do.

And it starts with "hold
on a minute there, lady."

You'd think I'd let you get
away from me, because of that.

Max, listen.

Be serious.

Think for a minute.

Getting involved with me might--

might be very unfair for you.

Unfair?

Allison, cancer took the first
woman I loved away from me.

That's unfair.

I would have given
anything if an operation

could have kept her alive.

You should be grateful.

Grateful?

Yes.

That mastectomy saved your life.

It was a gift for both of us.

It it wasn't for
your operation, I

might never have had the chance
to fall in love with you.

Oh, Max.

Oh, Max.

Well, I hope you had a
terrific cruise, Johnny.

Uh, Jonathan.

Sorry.

Oh, it was wonderful.

- Terrific.
- Wasn't it?

Listen, Jonathan.

I hope you don't talk all
your clients out of divorce.

Otherwise, you'll
starve to death.

That reminds me.

You two will be getting
my bill for my services.

Bill?

You would send your
own mother a bill?

And father?

And father.

Ah, you're right.

I'll tell you what.

Since I'm going to be
on my own, you can pay

me off in home cooked dinners.

And I'll do your laundry.

Bye.

Thanks for staying with us.

Adam.

Oh, Allison.

Max.

I'm so glad things
worked out for you.

It might not have
if you hadn't given me

the courage to take a chance.

Ah.

Thank you, doctor.

Listen.

Thanks for everything.

You're all right
for a ship's doctor.

Oh, good luck.

I don't know how I
could be any luckier.

I've got everything now.

Goodbye, Adam.

Bye bye.

Thank you all for everything.

And thank you, captain,
for being so understanding.

Just do well in
school, Jennifer.

Yeah.

And if you see my
cousin Ellie, tell her

the next time she has
an initiation stunt,

don't keep it in the family.

[Laughter]

- Bye.
- Thank you.

Bye bye.

Bye bye.

Ok, you guys.

I've been working out on my
machine for a whole cruise now.

I want your honest opinion.

Tell me what you think.

Ready?

[Theme music]