Original subtitles

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat-- soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat-- promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[Upbeat music playing]

Enjoy the cruise.

Hi, captain stubing.

Russ.

Hi, Russ.

What are you doing aboard?

Don't tell me our computers need fixing.

Oh, no.

They're fine.

I'm here for pleasure for a change.

This time, it's me i'm fixing up with her.

She works at one of the offices I service.

I'm trying to figure out some way of asking her for a date.

And when I found out she was going to be on this cruise--

well, don't let us stop you.

Go ahead and say hello.

No, no rush.

I'll be meeting her in 93 minutes.

93 minutes?

I used a computer to pick out my state room,

so I'd be the same lifeboat station as she is.

The printout also stated that the average time

after departure before the drill is called is--

93 minutes.

And 18 seconds.

So that's when the romance will commence.

Well, he seems to have it all wired.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

No, it's my fault. It's my pleasure.

It's very nice bumping into you.

My name is Bob Williams.

Kathy Brighton.

I suppose next, I say, do you come here often?

Then you say, what's your sign?

Looks like it's going to be Russ' computer versus PacMan.

Hello.

Hi.

Niver's the name.

Oh, welcome aboard

well, thank you.

Let's see.

Mr. and Mrs. Niver.

You're on the aloha deck, cabin 3.

We are not Mr. and Mrs. I'm Faye Phillips.

Tom!

I just thought that since we're

going to meet your daughter and my son for the first time--

we've already told them we weren't married

when we invited them along.

They understand.

They'll be happy for us.

They'll be happy, huh?

Ok.

Could you change those names to lord Henry

brenthop and argyle Sunday.

Hello, I'm velma Phillips.

Did my mother come aboard yet?

Her name is Mrs. Faye Phillips.

Faye.

Hey!

Oh, argyle Sunday.

Aloha deck, 352.

Now, there's also a Mr. Niver.

Here he's not in an adjoining cabinet, is he?

No, not adjoining, not exactly.

See, what his cabin is, it's, uh, kind of--

it's really what you--

it's the same cabin.

Excuse me.

Dr. Bricker, I presume.

Elliot, oh, you look marvelous--

too marvelous.

I'm sorry I suggested the cruise.

I have enough competition for the ladies as it is.

Look, dad, it came.

What came?

My new typewriter.

Now, I'll be able to write articles and learn

how to become a reporter.

If she's your patient, I would rule out laryngitis.

This is Vicky stubing.

Vicky, this is Dr. Elliott Norton.

Good to know you.

How do you do?

We went to medical school together.

Well, that's perfect.

My English assignment is to do a paper

on someone who I really admire.

And I've decided to do it on doc.

Well, the lady has taste.

You can fill me in on some of the details.

Oh, could I ever.

I will give you the real sizzling

inside dope on this character.

I'm going to go check in.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Elliot, that's not--

isn't that great?

He's going to give me some real sizzling stuff.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Jeffrey niver of niver and beaumont.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Niver.

Let's see.

You're on the fiesta deck, cabin 130.

Mm.

Has my father been aboard yet?

He would be Thomas niver.

Oh, yes, just a few minutes ago.

And not alone, I presume?

No, not exactly.

Mm-hmm.

It's a good thing I'm a lawyer.

I just hope I can get him out of this one.

[Ships horn blows]

[Music playing]

Crew member (over pa): Attention passengers, report to you

lifeboat stations immediately.

Lifeboat drill is now in progress.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is very important.

Please, remember this location.

This will be your lifeboat station.

Now, our bomb search drill will be announced in a little bit.

Thank you very much.

[Interposing voices]

I can't believe it.

Kathy.

Russ, hi.

I didn't know you were going to be on this cruise?

Oh, it was just one of those last minute things.

Everything secure?

Yes, sir.

And our computer genius is 30 seconds ahead of schedule.

Capt. Stubing: You suppose all geniuses are that shy?

No, sir, I'm not.

Bridge, this is the captain.

All free.

Don't hit that, sir.

It's a sensitive piece of equipment.

What's wrong with this?

Oh, excuse me.

I can't seem to raise them.

Let me see that.

The salt air may have corroded the connections.

Right.

Kathy, we've been looking all over for you.

Why don't you come and join us?

Oh, I'm afraid, I'm with--

we're all afraid, my darling.

But this is a mandatory part of the drill.

Volunteers are desperately needed

to search for bombs in the bar.

Oh, I can't fight that.

There you are. Good as new.

Thanks.

Is there anything you can't fix with that magic screwdriver?

Yeah, I'm afraid there's a few things I just can't fix.

This is a great idea, Tom, getting us all together

on this cruise, so I can meet your son,

and you could meet my daughter.

I don't know.

When it really sinks in that we're not married--

[knock on door]

Oh, that must be velma. Answer it.

I have to freshen up.

No, I'll freshen up.

You answer it.

There'll be no problem.

My daughter is a very modern, understanding young woman.

Mr. Niver?

Yes.

You are a dirty, old man.

Oh, Faye, it's your modern understanding daughter.

[Knock on door]

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

saying who knows what, taking advantage

of a wonderful woman like her.

Now, just a minute, honey.

Don't give him all the credit.

I helped.

I should never have let you move to Arizona.

Oh, look, believe me, I don't want

to intrude into your lives.

But this is just impossible.

I'm trying to work my way up in the banking profession.

My whole life is subject to scrutiny.

This could present problems for me.

It could seem so degenerate.

Well, I hope so.

We certainly spending enough for it.

Tom.

Velma, let's go take a walk and talk.

Faye, I'll see you up on deck.

I got to get with Jeffrey anyway.

Oh, by the way, young lady, why don't you tell your friends

down at the bank that I'm your uncle,

and that is no longer a degenerate place.

We can just call it old uncle Tom's cabin.

Coming right up.

Hi, Jeffery.

This is my son.

Jeffery, this is Isaac Washington.

How do you do?

Fine.

That's right, my son.

You'd never believe we got the same genes,

but we do, only his are designer.

All right, now, just what are you doing

on this floating love nest?

So far, drinking.

But then we've only been here a couple of hours.

We?

Oh, I knew it.

Dad, look, I know you've been lonely.

But couldn't you take up some other interest?

Sports, perhaps?

Why don't you try jogging?

Jogging?

Son, believe me, this is much more fun.

Jeffrey, you're going to understand just as soon

as you meet the Phillips lady.

She's really terrific.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Jeffrey, this is velma Phillips.

Hello.

Dad, are you crazy?

She'll pop your pacemaker!

What is the matter with you?

I want you to know two things.

I am a lawyer, and my father has no money.

This will never work out.

Be logical.

A younger woman-- it can't last.

Who cares?

And besides, what a way to go.

I thought that law school was supposed

to teach you some sense.

You want to know something, son?

You have a very good case against them.

Tom.

Jeffery, this is Faye Phillips, her mother.

I'm here with her.

And besides, she don't jog either.

Nice to meet you, Jeffrey.

She's your daughter?

Hi, mom.

She came to save me from this dirty old man.

They've been living together for two years.

It's just impossible.

Wrong, young lady.

Excuse me, it's very possible.

You see, this is america, land of opportunity,

where even a clean living small town boy can rise to greatness

and become a dirty old man.

Tom.

Maybe you should go about this more gradually.

You two get to know each other.

Then we'll all have a nice dinner together tonight.

Tom: You know something, honey?

It's hard to believe that I raised that child so carefully.

Dr. Spock's sure got a lot to answer for.

Dr. Bricker: Of course, our little sick bay

can't compare to the big hospitals

you usually operate in.

But occasionally, we do get a challenging case.

Dr. Bricker, i'm glad you're here.

I'd like you to meet Sarah toomey.

Doctor, we have a very critical problem.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

It's not me.

It's delores.

Delores?

Delores is her doll.

She's really not feeling very well.

She fell, and I think she has a broken inside.

Oh, Sarah.

Well, would you please take Dolores inside there?

Go ahead.

You'll be all right with Dr. Bricker.

I found her crying up on the deck.

I spoke with her mother, and I think

her problem is she's traveling with a brand new father.

Ah, new daddy time insecurity.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Julie McCoy, Dr. Elliot Norton.

How do you do?

Good to know you.

If you'll excuse me.

Yeah.

So the little girl finds it easier

to say that he doll is in pain when it's really herself?

Yeah.

Do you run across that sort of thing often?

Occasionally in one form or another.

When you're on a cruise ship, doctor,

you run across just about everything

in one form or another.

I'll see you.

Good news-- not a trace of bi.

Bi?

Broken insides.

Was she crying?

Well, then she just might have a touch of the golly-wobbles.

What are golly-wobbles?

Oh, kind of an upset feeling.

Maybe because she's in a strange new place with you

and your mommy and daddy.

She hardly knows my daddy.

Really?

Then that's what's bothering her.

Somehow, we got to show her that your daddy loves her too.

But he doesn't.

Maybe he just doesn't know how to show it.

See, lots of grownups have that problem.

I come across it all the time.

Poor things.

Hey, Sarah, I'll bet you could show him how to be nice to her.

Let's go find him.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's give it a try, delores.

Excuse me, Dr. Norton?

Do you know where doc is?

Last time I saw him, he was patching up a doll.

A doll?

Really?

I've got to put that in my story.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hi.

How's your little patient?

Still iffy, but I'm hopeful.

At least now, she's talking to her father.

May I have one of those?

Thank you.

Well, I'm ready for the interview.

Gosh, I don't know where to begin.

Try asking, why the guys at med school

called him frog head.

Frog head?

No, Elliot.

I don't think--

see, doc was supposed to make a report

on the human brain using a plastic model of a head.

But we'd taken out the brain part and put in a frog.

So when he lifted up the top--

the frog jumped out.

That's funny.

Remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

Dr. Norton, merrill stubing.

Captain.

Adam told me you were coming aboard.

But I had no idea you were the same Norton

who wrote "the scalpel's edge."

You wrote a book?

Oh, and what a book.

Is there some subtle way I could ask you to autograph my copy?

No problem.

I'll autograph as many copies as I can.

It keeps people from returning them to the bookstore.

Wow, a surgeon and a writer too.

Oh, Adam, Mrs. donaldson in PR 350

is still complaining about that sprained ankle.

When you get a chance--

might as well see her now.

You know, you surgeons are doing incredible work.

Do you think you might find time to give a little talk

to our passengers?

I know they'd love to meet you.

Elliott: Well, I suppose so if you really think so.

Capt. Stubing: Great.

Crew member (over pa): All passengers

are invited to be guests of captain stubing

in a welcome aboard cocktail party now

in progress on the lido deck.

[Piano playing]

Russ, do something.

Use that computer brain of yours.

If you don't get moving, this guy is

going to be handing out cigars.

I'm not good at horning in.

[Gopher sighs exasperatedly]

Ok, go, go, gopher to the rescue.

The old phone caper--

I'll tell him he's got a call.

It'll give you a clean shot at her.

Gee, thanks, goph.

I won't be able to keep him long.

You got to get in there fast, and loot, and pillage.

Excuse me, sir, mr, um, mr--

Bob Williams.

Bob Williams, right.

Call for you at the bar, sir.

Russ, hi.

I missed you at the pool party this afternoon.

Well, I'm not much into swimming.

You'd rather be off fixing gadgets, I suppose.

Remember, you're on vacation.

[Russ laughs nervously]

I'll try.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

There's nobody there.

Give it time.

Any problem?

I thought I had a call, but the phone's dead.

Hang on.

It's probably sun spots.

I'll show you the communications center.

It's incredible.

Oh, perhaps I ought to tell Bob.

He wouldn't be interested.

Come on.

Russ!

Russ: I can't swim.

Bob: I'll get him.

You're ok.

Take it easy.

Grab this.

Russ, are you all right?

That was quick thinking.

It sure was.

You certainly win the medal.

[Passengers offering praise]

Bob: Thank you.

No, it's nothing.

Thank you.

Good evening.

Hello, Jeffrey.

Don't you look nice?

Thank you, Mrs. Phillips.

Velma will be late.

She had to call her office.

Dad, can we get right down to business here?

Thank you.

Bourbon and water.

This sort of thing just isn't right for a man your age.

What does my age got to do with it?

Now, when that company retired me and gave me the gold watch,

they didn't say nothing about trading in my double bed.

I am only suggesting moderation.

It was your generation that started the sexual revolution.

We're just trying to get in on it.

Is there something wrong with that?

You could have at least taken separate cabins.

That would have been better.

You got some idea of better.

Jeffrey has a right to his point of view.

It's no use.

He never listens to me.

He never listens to anyone.

Son, did you ever stop to think there might be a reason

why you were an only child?

Elliott: So my next book will deal

with these very challenging ethical questions

posed by genetic engineering.

That's fascinating.

How are you coming with your writing, Vicky?

I don't have much on doc yet, just about his dollectomy.

Dollectomy?

And why the other doctors call him frog head.

They do?

No, they really don't.

They did, but they don't anymore, not now.

You know what would give me a start?

If you could write a little biography on yourself,

like Dr. Norton has on the back of his book.

Could you do that?

Of course, he could.

With all Adam's experiences aboard,

he could write a book himself.

I don't need a whole lot, just a few of the highlights

from your medical career.

Oh, right, the highlights.

I'll do it tonight.

So you feel I could write a book myself, huh, merrill?

You know-- looks like I'll have to do it myself.

Ms. Brighton.

Yes?

I see that you are booked on this evening's

night owl tour of the ship.

Aha.

Congratulations.

And your guide for this evening is Mr. McDonald.

There he is all dried off and as good as new.

Well, why not.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Yes, goodnight, doctor.

Good night.

Good evening.

Good evening.

[Gopher chuckles

mischievously]

Well, I see that Russ finally met his lady.

Yeah, he's giving her the grand tour

of the lower exotic passageway.

That won't do, gopher.

Passengers are not allowed down there.

Sir, that's the whole point.

Doctor IQ can't seem to function in crowds of more than two.

A ship is like a floating city, totally

self-contained for every need.

We go in here.

Just step carefully.

Ok, what is this room?

Oh.

See, complete wine cellar.

Indeed.

Oh, let's have a box of this at my table.

Over here, those are the automatic timers.

This turns on the deck lights at sunset.

Remarkable, Russ.

This controls the pool motor.

And this one, this turns off all the fixtures in the lobby.

What's the matter?

Wha-- it's a bomb.

Holy moly.

Let's get out of here.

We've got to tell someone.

Don't move-- might not be timed.

A thousand tongue depresses and a million aspirins.

Those are the highlights.

[Phone rings]

Dr. Bricker.

Oh, yes, Ms. Donaldson.

The hot compresses don't seem to be helping your ankle?

You'd like to try cold?

Ok, try cold.

Good night.

I'm young.

I still have time.

There'll be lots of highlights.

Crew member (over pa): Calling Dr. Bricker.

Dr. Adam bricker, report to emergency surgery.

Dr. Adam bricker, report to emergency surgery.

[Machines beeping]

Dr. Bricker, report as Dean of Harvard medical school.

Dr. Bricker, report to Mayo clinic as chief of staff.

Report to Stockholm for a medal, to Buckingham

palace, royal command.

Report to Hollywood for your life story.

Dr. Bricker, report to Washington

for dinner in your honor at the white house.

The white house.

The white house.

[Phone ringing]

The white house.

Yes, Mr. President?

What?

Oh, Mrs. Donaldson.

You don't think the cold is working?

Sure.

Sure, put the ankle back on hot.

Right.

See you in the morning.

[Line disconnects]

Oh, my goodness.

Gopher: Ah, there you are.

Listen, captain does not want--

don't say a word.

We found a bomb.

[Gopher exclaims in shock]

Russ: There.

It's ok, no problem.

It's all right.

Don't tell the captain.

You see, that wasn't a real bomb.

It looked like dynamite.

But it was just pieces I sawed off a broom handle.

Broom.

Yes, see, I came down here earlier,

and I rigged it to the light timer to impress Kathy.

See, she seems to go for the heroes, so I thought--

well, it was my only chance.

Please, don't tell anyone.

There's no harm done.

Gopher thinks we shouldn't tell anybody about this,

might cause a panic.

Besides, it's all over.

Russ, I've never been so--

you were wonderful.

Anyone would have done the same.

No, they wouldn't.

They couldn't.

You were wonderful.

Crew member (over pa): Good morning,

and welcome to Mexico and Mazatlan.

Guide maps are available in the purser's

lobby to help you explore its charming nooks

and crannies and cafes.

Going to shore?

No, Faye's not feeling too well.

This whole thing must be very upsetting to her.

Look, dad, please, try and understand

I really want you to be happy.

You've been a great dad.

I'm proud to be your son, even if I am an only child.

Hey, Jeffrey, I'm really sorry about that dumb crack.

I'm always shooting off my mouth about something.

I'm very proud of you too.

Thank you.

You're really a great guy, for a lawyer.

There I go again.

Well, now, about our situation.

I don't know why this is so upsetting to me, but it is.

I can accept it intellectually, but emotionally, I

have great problems.

I don't know.

Maybe it's just a feeling of loyalty to mom.

That bothered me at first.

But, well, you remember mom.

She was always happy.

And she always wanted everybody else to be happy too.

You know something?

I think she'd like Faye.

You know, you too really don't have a problem.

You can do whatever you please.

There is nothing anybody can do about it.

I know that, Jeffrey.

But having you and velma's approval

is very important to Faye.

And things between the two of us won't be the same without it.

So we do have a problem.

You sure you don't want to go into Mazatlan?

I'm perfectly happy right where I am.

It's the captain.

Probably want to congratulate you on dismantling the bomb.

Hello, are you staying aboard?

Yes, I think I've had quite enough

excitement value after last night in the storage room

with Russ.

You know, when I realized what was happening,

at first, I wanted to just run away, screaming for help.

Russ was so [inaudible] and reassuring and so knowing,

my fears just vanished.

Maybe we should go into town.

He's got the hands of a musician

and has such a delicate touch.

We can still catch the bus.

It was an experience I am never going to forget.

You know, it seemed like it was going to go on forever.

And just when I thought, I cannot

stand this for one single more second, it was over.

I almost collapsed.

And this one, just as strong, and confident,

and fresh as a Daisy.

What is the hurry?

I wanted to shout.

I wanted to tell everybody aboard this ship

how magnificent he was.

But he said that it might, you know, cause a panic.

Yes, I suppose it might.

He won't let me brag.

Would you believe it?

That sorry little computer genius has an x-rated printout.

It's been a real experience for me.

There must've been a dozen patients here with problems

so minor, they never would have gone to a doctor with them

back home.

[Phone rings]

Excuse me.

Dr. Bricker.

Yes, Mr. Benson.

How's your sunburn?

What?

Dr. Norton?

Yes, he's here.

Dr. Norton.

Oh, yes, I'll be happy to autograph the book for you.

There'll be a little get-together on the starlight

deck at 3 o'clock.

You're very welcome.

It was the captain's idea.

I'll give my usual boring talk if anybody shows up.

I'm sure they will.

[Knock on door]

Come in. - Hi.

Hi.

Do you have your bio for me?

Oh, I haven't had a chance to finish it.

I'd better get my speech notes together.

Oh, may I got with you?

I'd just love to see how a famous writer works.

Not so famous.

Listen, you're welcome to come.

But all you'll see is a grown man desperately chewing

up about a dozen pencils.

Crew member (over pa): Attention please,

we are now leaving Mazatlan and will be cruising

past the baha peninsula.

Oh, it is beautiful, isn't it?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Russ, there's something you might as well know.

When we get back home, I'm not going to introduce

you to any of my girlfriends.

I'm not going to share you with anyone.

There's something you might as well know too.

What's that, tiger?

They're starting the tea dance.

Shall we?

Wait.

This is not easy for me.

You want to go someplace quiet where we can talk?

No.

I really don't know where to begin.

Well, just go ahead.

I'm all yours.

What is it?

Kathy, what i'm trying to say is--

why don't we go to the dance?

Come on.

So despite all the technological wonders

in medicine today, the truth physician

is still not to be judged by the hardware in his office,

but by the humanity in his heart.

[Passengers clapping]

Why don't we take a short break now,

and then Dr. Norton will be available to sign autographs.

Oh, everyone just loved your speech, Dr. Norton.

Could you give me a list of names,

and I'll send every one a bill?

It was superb, Elliot.

I don't know when I've ever been so moved.

Thank you very much.

Gopher: Doc? - Oh, excuse me

gopher: Do you mind?

Sure.

A very pretty girl just showed up looking for you.

Me?

Oh, you mean, Dr. Norton.

No, no.

Well, well, party time, huh?

Tea party time.

Sarah toomey and the tea party in the cabin with her dad.

And they'd like you to join them.

Well, if you'll excuse me, a star

much please his fans, especially when there's only one.

Sarah, well, thank you for inviting me to your party.

Thanks for coming, doc.

What are we going to have?

Cookies, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and bananas.

Are we going to have some tea?

Tea for you, milk for me.

All right.

He's quite a guy.

More than you know.

Julie tells me that change in that little girl

has been remarkable.

And it's happened before with doc.

Oh, it has?

Mm-hmm.

I'd like to hear more.

[Knock on door]

Oh, hi.

Is it dinner time already?

No, not quite.

Vicky, can I speak with you a minute?

Well, sure.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Oh, I see you're reading Dr. Norton's book.

I'm having trouble with some of it.

But most of it's super.

He's quite a guy, which brings me to the point of my visit.

Beginning writers should take advantage

of the best possible material.

I think you should do your article about him.

But I want to write about you.

You could do that another time.

He's too good a subject to pass up.

He's more than just a glamorous figure.

He's a truly dedicated physician.

He merits his success.

Bug I'd still rather write about--

Vicky, I appreciate your loyalty,

but honestly, it won't bother me a bit, ok?

Doc.

Yeah?

Can I ask you a question?

I know it sounds awful, but--

go ahead.

Did you ever wish that you had done what he did?

You don't mess around, do you?

Ok, I'll level with you.

There have been times when I felt that he seems to have

done so much and I so little.

He has everything.

But then at the tea party this afternoon,

I looked at my life, my friends and realized,

I have everything too--

different things, but equally wonderful to me.

So I don't envy him, but I do admire him.

And that's why you should write about him--

doctor's orders.

Are you sure you're up to it?

We could have dinner right here in this cabin.

I'll be all right.

Well, it's not worth it, honey.

So don't get all upset.

[Knock on door]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Are you feeling better, mama?

We'd just like to say one thing.

You have said enough.

Just send us a bill.

I'm not going to put Faye through this.

Please, hear me out, hm?

Now, we both love you.

We really do.

But could you bend a little our way.

What?

What we're suggesting is that you marry her.

Marry her?

I'm sure it's not what you want.

It is what I want.

It is?

Then why?

Because she doesn't want me.

That's right.

Mama!

It's not that I don't love him.

I do very much.

It's a simple matter of economics.

Economics?

Tom gets paid very little for his work

with the youth groups in Phoenix,

which he loves so much.

But that and his small pension, if it wasn't

for the alimony payments I get from your father's estate,

we couldn't make it.

If I get married again, I lose it.

$300 makes a lot of difference.

And in case you're wondering how we paid for this trip,

Faye sold her car.

Because we thought it would be a good idea

to bring the families together.

But obviously that was a mistake.

Well, maybe we'll try again some other time.

But now, if you'll excuse us, Tom and I would like to spend

our last night aboard together.

And, Jeffrey, the idea of marriage was very good.

But I've been trying to convince this wonderful woman

to marry me ever since the first time I met her.

I hope you forgive me, mama.

I didn't know.

I didn't even realize.

It's ok, honey.

Really, it is.

May I extend my congratulations

to the great wizard of oz.

From what the captain tells me, that bomb caper

really did the trick.

She's obviously crazy about you.

She's not crazy about me.

She's crazy about the man she thinks I am.

So?

So I got to tell her the truth.

That wasn't a bomb, and I'm no hero.

Are you a complete loony tune.

That'll blow the entire relationship.

You got a dynamite thing going here.

It's a figure of speech.

I got to do it.

Every minute i'm with her, I feel

more and more like a phony.

Just wait a little.

You've got a great thing going.

Wait till you're both more solid, and you'll tell her,

you'll both laugh about it.

Wait a little bit--

a year.

She'll never forget the awful scare I gave her.

Two.

Five.

Are you ready for dinner?

He sure is.

There's, uh, something I've got to tell you.

There was no bomb?

It was just a phony, like me.

But why?

You seemed to go for the hero type, so I wanted to be one.

I wanted desperately to be the kind of guy you wanted.

But I'm not, and I never can be.

Hey, doc.

Can we speak to you a minute?

Oh, Julie, I'm due down at 6--

that won't be necessary.

Dr. Norton, he'll be handing all your calls.

Well, you mean, I've been replaced?

Precisely.

Yes, it'll give you some free time,

so you can get started on your interview with Vicky.

Oh, merrill, about that--

oh, doc, we know all about it.

Vicky told us that you suggested she write about Dr. Norton.

But we decided that the real story is you

and your battle against the pressure that we specialist

have been spared--

tedium.

Adam, you handle minor complaints over and over,

day after day, year after year.

You give your patients your undiminished care

and attention.

Today, that's a specialist.

But, Elliot, you've had the big cases.

What are the big cases?

Sure, I've operated on hearts.

You've mended them, as you did with little Sarah.

Well, doc, you're just going to have

to face the ugly truth-- you're too admirable to pass up.

Now, come on, scoop stubing is waiting for you.

Come on.

We'll see you later.

They're really nice kids, Tom.

They're in a tough situation too.

Jeffrey did have a good idea.

Listen, Faye, why don't we get married?

I can get another job.

And they are hiring people at the supermarket.

Honey, you're so sweet.

But I really can't see you as a boxboy.

We have no choice.

We'll have to go on as we are, even without their approval.

Phillip: Dad, Faye?

Ok, we've talked everything over, and we have the answer.

Tell them.

Well, we're each going to send you $150 a month,

so you can do without the alimony payments

and get married.

Isn't that great?

No, that means that we'd be living off your money.

I'm sorry.

I don't think--

what a generous gesture.

Of course, we accept, and we are very grateful.

Wonderful, wonderful.

I'll have a legal, irrevocable trust formed.

And the funds will get to you regularly.

Come on, let's go in and celebrate.

You guys go ahead.

We'll be in in a minute. - Ok.

- Ok. - Come on.

Faye, now, you know how much I've wanted this.

But for us to get married under these circumstances--

my first husband was as sweet a man as you are.

I know he'd approve.

And the kids can afford it.

So we'll just consider this as our just rewards

for all the years of diapers and orthodonture.

Don't you think we should take the money from the kids?

Oh, sure.

Then why the long face?

I was just thinking about all the clothes I used to buy him.

We should have held out for 500.

[Knocking on door]

Russ! Russ!

Wake up! Come on!

Hurry!

[Banging on door] Russ!

Russ!

[Banging on door]

Come on.

Come on.

Hurry, we've got to go.

What? I--

special night time lifeboat drill, Russ.

We've got to move.

I didn't hear any alarm.

No?

[Inaudible]

No, I was listening.

Come on, come on, come on.

No time to talk, Russ.

Thank you for waiting.

I wouldn't miss it.

Where is everybody?

Evidently, gopher thinks this emergency is just for the two

of us, and I'm glad he did it.

Gives me a chance to tell you what

a dumb thing I think you did.

But I already admitted it, Kathy.

That bomb--

I'm not talking about the bomb.

You did something even dumber.

Something even dumber?

Obviously, you see me as a hero worshipper,

some sort of lifeguard groupie.

That's dumb, and it's very uncomplimentary.

I didn't mean--

did it never occur to you that I might

value other qualities in a man?

Intelligence, sincerity, swiftness,

qualities you have in abundance.

No, you thought I wanted a captain marvel.

Then you don't--

Kathy: And you're wrong about something else.

You are brave.

You had to be brave to confess to me the way you do.

Kathy, you don't suppose maybe I could try again?

Gopher said you might even forget about it

if I waited, maybe, five years.

Russ, you would really be a dumbo if you waited

any more than five seconds.

My article about doc is coming along just great.

She's taken a wonderful guy and made

him even more wonderful.

I hope all this doesn't make him impossibly conceited.

Oh, I'm sure it won't.

Because you have supreme faith in my strength of character?

No, because if it does, we'll just start

calling you frog head again.

Bye, Dr. Norton.

Bye, Elliot.

Well, I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Oh, we sure did.

And these two will be coming back to your honeymoon suite.

We couldn't possibly afford--

Jeffrey and I decided to make it our wedding gift.

I don't know about that.

I don't think I could afford that kind of wardrobe.

Ok, ok, I'll also spring for a new wardrobe.

Isn't it marvelous?

It certainly is.

By the way, how will we get here from Phoenix.

We'll manage.

We all better be going.

Don't push your luck.

Yeah, it looks like old cupid gopher to the rescue again.

See, I knew that that lifeboat drill would bring you two

lovebirds back together again.

Because Russ here is so shy.

I said to myself, gopher, I said,

you got to use that genius brain of yours.

Save the day and the night.

Yeah, I just couldn't stand to see anything come between you

two.

[Phone rings]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Anything wrong?

It rang, but it went dead.

Probably sunspots.

[Theme music]