Original subtitles

[slow tense music]

[Dark] L.A. is like nowhere.

Everybody who lives here is lost.

[rock music]

[rock music]

[rock music]

[rock music]

-[Mel] Hey, Dark. -[Dark] Hey, what, Mel?

You want me to?

[moans] Huh, yeah, huh. [moans]

Well, then.

Beg for it.

[Dark laughs]

Beg me.

[rock music]

[Dark moans]

-My name's Montgomery. -Hi.

You've got the deepest, darkest eyes I've ever seen.

It's like I could just tumble right into them

and fall forever.

I just love the smell of fear

and boy mixed together.

Don't you, Kriss?

[rock music]

What are you gawking at?

Looks like we've got a deviant on our hands here, Kozy.

We just hate, hate, hate

any sort of deviation from the norm.

Deviants are the scourge contaminating

this great nation.

[Dark moans]

[Mom knocks]

Dark!

[knocking continues]

Dark, are you in there flogging the puppy again?

Let me in, I gotta wash this crap off my face.

Mom, can you wait just a sec, please?

Honey, I have to rot my life away in a 9:00 to 5:00 hell hole

to support your lazy, juvenile delinquent ass, remember?

[knocks]

Sweetheart.

Chipmunk.

My little ray of sunshine.

Open up this mother humpin' door now!

-[knocks] -Jesus, can you hold on?

Cripes, it's as soggy as an armpit in here.

How long have you been in that shower abusing yourself?

You pump your handle too much, young man,

it's gonna wither up and fall off.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

[rock music]

Bitch.

♪ Never understand me ♪

♪ Understand me ♪

Ew!

♪ It's too confused ♪

♪ This is never found ♪

Homework/March 25

[Dark] Mel, I gotta make a documentary about somebody I care about

and it's due next Wednesday.

And whoever said you care about me anyways?

[Dark] Didn't I give you Cap'n Crunch decoder ring

back in the sixth grade?

That was Angelique Tewksbury, dorkball.

[Dark] Oh, hey, take your shirt off.

[Mel laughs]

Come on, it'll give Professor Starkweather

a boner and he'll give me an A.

I'm sure. Take your Prozac, Dark.

[Dark] What's the matter? You scared?

- No. -[Dark] Think of the scandal.

Everyone in class will be all outraged.

Is this what you wanna see?

-[phone rings] - Oh, yeah.

Man.

City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

[Mel] S'up, bonzo dog breath?

-Need a ride to class? -Nah, I'm not going.

Dark, you are totally gonna bite

the whole eight credits you're retaking this semester.

I got some editing to do on my 101 project.

Then I'll probably head over to the Hole for some chow.

Oh, maybe I'll go with. I just got my period.

I'm in full tilt pig out mode.

Oh, and make sure you edit my boobs out.

I do not want every wally on campus ogling my chimichangas.

Hey, Lucifer's not with you, is she?

I cannot stomach seeing her butt-ugly likeness

-this early in the day. -Lick my box, Rover.

Clean the maggots out of it first,

-you stinky oyster. -You guys.

I mean it, Mel.

I do not want to have to look at that tarantula woman

over my morning espresso.

Don't be a seizure queen.

I'll pick you up in like 15.

Mel, I told you I'm editing.

See ya, lover boy.

How you can continue to frog that annoying buttload

when you have someone as sexy and rad as me around?

What would life be without a little mystery.

-Mel? -Quoi?

You wenches done in there or what?

I gotta whiz like a busted fire hose.

[rock music]

Finale.

Oh, if it isn't widdle baby Zero.

Cut it out.

Bye.

Gross, huh? [laughs]

So, you hittin' Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Puleez, Zero, how did you hear about it?

Hey.

You're not invited, shrimp skin. You're barely old enough to shave.

Felch me.

Come on, I got a date with Zoe and she totally wants to go.

I already scored the car from Mom.

Life sucks.

♪ I, I, I, I, I, I ♪

I've got the skeeviest zit sprouting in the middle of my forehead.

It's gonna be a full on third eye by the time we get to Jujyfruit's party.

I hate that.

What I hate is when you get a zit way down

in your back in a spot where you can't even reach to pop it.

If you pop a zit on your forehead,

you can get blood poisoning and die, you know.

Lucifer, you are so dumb,

you should donate your brain to a monkey science fair.

I read it in "Mouth to Mouth," squirtle fungus.

Mel, what's this?

[armpit farts]

-[Mel] What? -Dark being born.

Mature.

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

♪ I never said I wasn't gonna tell nobody ♪

-Whoa, Mel, back it up. -What?

Just back up, all right?

GOD HELP ME

Need a lift?

Well?

You're I my modern society class, aren't you?

-Yeah, I think. -Name's Dark.

It's Dark, like absence of light.

Or dork like we call him.

Cram it, fur burger.

This is Mel.

The loud mouth hag is Lucifer.

Mont-Montgomery.

We're on our way to the Hole for some breakfast.

You wanna join?

I, I kinda have class.

We'll eat quick and drop you.

Come on.

[Montgomery] So what's with the camcorder? Are you in film class?

[Lucifer] Dark thinks he's gonna be the next Clive Barker.

Right.

Eat my turbo, will you, Lucifer.

Actually, I'm convinced I'm gonna die soon

in like a spectacular plane crash, fire, chemical explosion

and I'm gonna film so there'll be like this cool record of my own death

because I take my camera with me wherever I go.

Isn't that just so bitchin'?

Will you please just shut up.

How do you know?

-Know what? -That you're gonna, you know, die?

I feel it.

It's like a prenomination.

You mean premonition?

-Whatever. -No, I don't understand.

How can you have one

if you don't even know how to pronounce the freakin' word.

I'm about to lose my temper, Lucifer, and I am gonna deck you.

You guys.

[dishes clank]

Alyssa.

Oops.

Clumsy me.

Hi, Montgomery.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be in thermonuclear catastrophes class?

Yeah, well.

Hey.

Do you know what today is?

Friday?

No, dodo bird.

It's Armageddon Day,

the day the world's supposed to end.

Like, have you ever heard of the rapture?

The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?

No, it's like this radical religious movement

in South Cambodia

and all these thousands of people are giving up their worldly possessions

and leaving their families all in preparation for the rapture,

ascending into heaven

on the day that Christ returns to earth

and the world is destroyed

and according to those scriptures, today is that day.

Like what are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Alyssa are you gonna join us back here

on planet Earth sometimes this decade or what?

-Hi, Dingbat. -Hi.

-Hey, Montgomery. -Hi.

Hey, Alyssa, me and Egg have been waiting for like eons.

I'm coming.

Hey, Dingbat?

Can you help me study for my history of lethal epidemics midterm?

Yeah, um, Sunday, nine-ish.

-Cool. -Cool.

Are you going to the kick the can game today?

Duh, yes.

Come on, I'm fully prepare to pork major.

-Bye, Montgomery. -Bye.

See ya.

-[Lucifer burps] -I gotta burn these calories fast

before I blow up.

-Let's go rollerblading or something. -I'd rather have my ball hairs burned off

with an acetylene torch.

Well, that can be arranged.

I'd better get back to class.

Are you okay, man? You look kinda pale.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I gotta go.

Well, we're on our way out, we'll drive you.

Are you sure you don't wanna come with?

I think I'm gonna go to the record store.

-How now brown cow. -Cowboy.

Hi.

-So, I'll see you later? -Yeah.

Hey, you guys playing kick the can tonight?

Huh?

Kick the can at 10 o'clock on the old baseball field.

Before Jujyfruit's party, man.

You're gonna be there, right?

Sure.

Let's evacuate, please.

Hey, don't forget our gig at the Buttcrack next Wednesday.

Who's opening?

Sandy Duncan's eye and Jayne Mansfield's head.

Vogue.

I met the drummer for Sandy Duncan's eye at a party.

Reeks like a barnyard animal.

So come late then and just see us.

Bye.

Hey, have you seen Bart around today?

You know, we were supposed to rehearse this morning

and he like totally flaked again.

[Handjob] Barty boy, I haven't seen you in a golden age.

Yeah, I've been busy.

Busy jonesin', you mean, huh?

Whatev.

[rock music]

Come on, Handjob, quit screwin' around.

Hey, Bart, to whom do we owe the pleasure?

Hi, Kriss, Kozy.

We were hopin' you were here for an appointment.

Actually me and Handjob's were just conducting

a bit of business.

Oh, bummer.

Isn't that a humongous bummer, Kriss?

Bart's here for my brand of bliss today, ladies.

I don't know what to do.

It's hard enough being in a band with your boyfriend,

but when stuff like this starts happening,

I mean, what am I supposed to do, fire him?

You break up, at least.

Okay, ladies.

Scarf.

[upbeat music]

So what's up with my video, man?

I'm still in the conceptualizing stages.

Don't worry, it's gonna blow your testes off.

-Yeah? -You and Bart are trapped inside

this like gigantic, slimy uterus.

-Glug. -Are you gonna?

I promised my mom I'd stop for a week, you?

I'm just gonna do a bunch of speed later

and not eat for like three days.

[upbeat music]

[Egg vomits]

[toilet flushes]

[water runs]

[Egg swishes]

♪ You know ♪

♪ You are the reason why ♪

♪ You are the reason why ♪

♪ You are the reason why ♪

Oh, I'm... [stutters]

I'm sorry. Sorry.

[door slams]

Isn't that?

Oh, my God.

Well, I guess I better go and hunt for him.

Can you drop me at Aran's?

-I wanna score the new Dead Puppies CD. -[Cowboy] Sure.

Wait, I'm sorry. The door was unlocked and I--

Forget about it.

What's your name?

Egg.

Well, I mean, my real name's Polly, but my friends all call me Egg.

Egg?

Dweebie, I know, but it just kinda stuck.

Well, hi, Egg. I'm--

I know who you are, duh.

I'm not from another dimension.

He looks shorter in person.

Well, so what, he's still a total definition of yummy.

Oh, my God, what did he say?

Nothing, really.

He just, he invited me to go for a walk.

What?

Hey, did you hear what happened to Marcus?

His butt hole fell out and he has to have surgery.

Oh, Henry.

[together] Oona-eye!

Let's go.

Are we still in reality?

My palm itches.

Where's your twin brother, Shad?

Death.

Cool.

[rock music]

Have I ever told you I love you?

Stow it and pay the lady, Shad.

[Skater] Watch out, breeders!

What out yourself, you freakin' lezbots.

Eat my Bermuda triangle, Shad.

[together] Whoo!

[punk music]

Race!

♪ I just want to be a freak ♪

♪ I just want to be a freak ♪

Ouch. You all right?

♪ I want to be a freak ♪

Kill.

Ow.

Hey, look who it is.

[camera clicks]

Hey, Jana, isn't that your muff diving little sister

over there with her disgusting Bosco-flavored girlfriend?

Insert it in your clammy crevice, will you, Shannon?

Hey, I think I need to pump up again.

I could use a firm up, too.

Pukity.

Kiss it and make it better.

So what are you gonna wear to Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Clothes.

Can I borrow your human sexology notes from last Friday?

Am I like the only person

on this cosmic plane who ever goes to class?

Hey, do you think Montgomery likes me?

He's weird.

-You think. -Oh, Alyssa.

-Hey, Ducky. -Hi, Ducky.

I just woke up.

Really?

You guys hear Muriel's in Cedar Sinai?

-Who's Muriel? -My stepmom.

She's like way anorexic.

Passed out in her low-impact aerobics class

and they had to carry her out on a stretcher.

Oh, drag.

So you guys gonna be at the kick the can game later?

I am.

[engine revs]

-Later tater tots. -All right.

Hi, Elvis.

Where you been?

Places. Get on.

What does she see in that scuzz ball?

You smell like a wet dog.

-Complaining? -Nope.

Meow.

[engine revs]

Hey, you seen Egg? It's her turn to recycle the aluminum.

Oh, my God, you haven't heard.

Your sister just left here with, not even, you're not gonna believe this.

Do you ever watch "Baywatch?"

Do you think this is completely freaky or what?

What?

You know, hanging out with me like this?

Well, it's a little surreal, I guess.

You have no idea how sucky it is being like a celebrity.

Everybody treats you like you're not even a person anymore,

like you're this thing, this entity.

You're eating dinner in some restaurant

or going to the movies or whatever and people just stare and point at you

and start whispering to their friends

like you're, like you're some exhibit in a freak show.

Wow.

That's why I like being with you.

I mean, I don't know you that well or anything,

but you seem, I don't know different, neat.

Thanks.

-Do you wanna sit? -Sure.

Oh, my God.

Jujyfruit's party's tonight

and I have no clue who to go with.

-What about Jason? -I'm going with Jason.

Well, then I'll go with Tomas.

I thought you were going with Tomas?

Tomas has a dinky weenie.

You did Tomas?

Ooh, I'm sure, gross.

I thought Jason was doing Tomas?

Jason's doing that valley slut hole, Ilene Schwartzkopf.

-Untrue, says who. -Eileen.

And you believe her?

Hello, she lives in Whittier.

If Jason did Ilene, then he must've done Richard.

[together] Who's Richard?

Ilene's other scag.

Like she's totally into these kinko three ways.

Ilene is a whore.

Is Richard the surfer with the hair lip that drives the black Jetta?

No, he's got a Lexus.

I thought he hung himself?

Yeah, well, he's like totally gorgeous.

Plus he's got a Lexus.

-Is he gay? -Who, Jason?

Richard?

Tomas.

Well, duh, what do you think, dingleberry.

I swear Trudi, you can be so.

[celestial popping]

Yeah, I wanna write and direct.

I have to ensure that the artistic integrity

of this project isn't compromised.

-[Cowboy knocks] -Ah, first thing Monday.

I ever so solemnly swear.

Okay.

Ciao.

[Cowboy knocks]

GF Christ, hold on.

Coming.

[alternative music]

Where is he?

-Where is he? -Uh, he was here like an hour or so ago,

but no, man, he's not here now.

See, Barty boy has left the building.

-Where'd he go, man?

Did he say where he was going?

Heaven.

He said he was taking a hike up the old stairway to heaven.

Bye.

My hat.

Where's my hat?

So are you in school?

Studying?

I don't know, nothing.

Well, I mean, a bunch of stuff.

Nothing specific.

Well, just as long as you're not in the industry.

I've sworn off all actresses, models, D-girls, you name it.

Forever.

I have this fantasy.

It's probably cornball or romantic, I know,

but sometimes I just wanna disappear,

meet up with someone special and just run away,

never be heard from again.

Don't you think that'd be killer?

Uh-huh.

Me, too.

I figured you'd be here.

Hey, dude.

Bart, you promised me, man.

Sorry.

Cowboy, I'm really sorry.

Bart, you've got to get clean, man.

You've got to or it's all over.

Okay, you, me, the band, the whole falafel.

I will, Cowboy, you know I will.

I mean it this time, Bart.

Come here.

Come up here.

No, man.

Just get clean.

I'll do anything to help you through it, but we cannot do this anymore.

You get it?

No more.

I love you, dude.

[gentle music]

[film statics]

Fuck.

[Mel knocks]

-Thirsty? -Dyin'.

So, how you doin', smiley?

Okay.

Now.

Mel?

Dark?

I love you, Mel.

Totally true and pure.

Mutual.

I just wish we didn't get together

with like so many other people and stuff.

Palooka, you know that I firmly believe

that human beings are built for sex and for love

and that we should dole out as much as possible

before we're old and ugly and nobody wants to touch us anymore.

I know.

And just because I make it

with other guys and girls,

it has no effect whatsoever

on my feelings for you.

Sometimes I feel so old-fashioned and from another planet.

It's like I'm half a person without you.

You're so cute.

[gentle music]

[Dark moans]

Life is so complicated.

I wrote a poem for you last night.

-Want me to read it to you? -No.

Hey, Elvis, do you believe in God?

I don't believe in anything.

You have to believe in something.

No, I don't.

Tie me up.

Okay, Mr. Kinky.

This okay?

Tighter! Tighter!

Now the pants, baby, the pants.

Okay now, spank me, baby.

Spank my hot, tight, rock hard ass!

Harder!

Harder!

Harder!

Elvis, I, uh, I love you.

Ditto hug bunny.

[Shad] I love you, Lilith, I love you,

more than life, more than death.

More than time more than space, I love you.

I love you!

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

-Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! -Mommy!

-Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! -Daddy! Daddy!

[both scream]

In this world of depravity and perversion,

who is the only one that can lead you

out of the muck, out of the dank, filthy swamp

that mankind has fool-heartedly sunken into?

[audience] Jesus.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, who died on the cross for our sins.

Welcome Jesus into your lives, brothers and sisters,

so that he can show you the way into the true kingdom of God.

I read someplace that dude's got like 12 wives.

-I think I'm drunk. -Most excellent.

[crickets chirping]

To destiny.

-Hey. -What?

You are so beautiful.

Wait, stop.

[hand slaps]

Don't play little innocent virgin with me, babe.

You want me, admit.

You wanna make it with me

so you can go back to your little slutter friends

and say, "Hey, I just screwed a big star, aren't I just so bitchin?"

No.

No, please, don't, don't, don't. Please, don't.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do to me, no.

[bellhop knocks]

[bellhop] Sir? Excuse me, sir. Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just knocked over a chair by accident.

[bellhop] Sorry to bother you, sir.

Have a good evening.

Thanks.

Well, that was a close call, now wasn't it?

But tonight, tonight is your lucky night, little Egg,

because you're gonna get the best doggin' of our perky, pathetic little life

and you're gonna love every second of it.

You'll gonna feel like you just died and went straight to heaven.

♪ Why can't I feel the things that I'm supposed to ♪

♪ And why can't I stand you ♪

Ah!

♪ Why can't I see what I have to do ♪

♪ To make it you ♪

Dear, sweet and tender Bart.

How do you spell relief?

[Bart screams]

Isn't sex just the best tension release there is?

It's like a really good, sweaty game of racquetball

only you get to come at the end.

I adore you.

What a nice thing to say.

Why don't we just bout the kick the can game

and hide away here in my room forever?

What time is it?

No way.

I was supposed to pick up Lucifer 20 minutes ago.

-Mel. -She is totally gonna roast my rump.

-Mel. -Angel boy, I gotta go.

Mel, wait a second.

Will you marry me?

You are too precious for words.

Okay.

I'll see you at kick the can

and don't forget it's your turn to provide the X.

Love you pooh butter. Bye.

[door closes]

[grand music]

[Zoe] Zero?

-Yeah, Zoe, it's me. - Be right down.

Hey, homie, why so jumpy?

I, I just, nothing.

Mm, strawberry.

I missed you.

You just saw me the day before yesterday, kumquat.

So, I missed you anyway.

You mean, Gilligan here missed me?

We both did.

You're our favorite person in this whole wide scuzz bucket world.

You're the sweetest boy ever.

So, did you get the address of Jujyfruit's party?

-Zero! -Hey, would I ever let you down?

[speaks foreign language]

It was great.

[speaks foreign language]

I won't forget.

[speaking foreign language]

Thank you.

[both laugh]

[alternative music]

Miracle AIDS cure turns out to be a hoax.

The Atari Gang continue their reign of terror in the city

and Palos Verdes City Councilwoman, Andrea Sperling,

insists here teenage son was kidnapped

and experimented on by space aliens.

And now a word from our sponsor.

[alternative music]

[horns blow]

[Dark spits]

Tough tits, dick weed. You're it.

Tabitha time.

[tense music]

[together] One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

11, 12, 13, 13, 13.

[body thuds]

17, 18, 19, 20.

There it is, babe.

The vast and arid wasteland of glittering filth, emptiness and death.

Hooray.

Hey, did you hear about the old guy in Brentwood who croaked

and then by the time his neighbors found him,

his dog had eaten half his face off.

Dogs eating people is cool.

Let the love feast begin.

-Occupied, dude. -Sorry.

Hey, you guys goin' to Jujyfruit's party?

Buzz off, twerp.

Goddamn chipmunks.

Now what?

[alternative music]

Uh-uh.

Right there.

There.

[Lilith moans]

Tastes good?

[alternative music]

[Lilith moans]

I just love the milk chocolatety goodness.

[Lilith moans]

Come out, come out wherever you are.

What a goombah.

-You see him? -He's 50 feet from the can.

He's so blitzkrieged, he's staggering around.

-Ducky? -What?

Have you ever like, it's none of my business or anything,

but I kinda heard this rumor

that you're kind of like waiting for the right person.

That is not true.

Okay, I've done it.

-I'm so sure. -With who?

Lots of people a bunch of different times, okay?

Oh.

What did you do that for?

I think you chipped my tooth.

Come on.

[together] Free!

Cripes, don't bust your ball sack.

You... You scared me.

Obvious.

Has Dark been through here yet?

No.

Well, Ducky and Dingbat are already free.

Dark is so swacked, he's already doing the Cujo.

You know, the Cujo?

Oh.

Well, later.

Don't let the boogey man get you.

Right.

Jesus, Cowboy.

[electricity pops]

[Lilith moans]

Yum.

[alternative music]

Your turn.

Yabba dabba doo.

Let's go, baby.

[engine revs]

Let's go, go, go.

Oh, God, your mouth feels like

I'm dipping my joystick into boiling hot oil.

You like sucking on that long pipe, don't you, darling?

I wanna die!

Let's all die!

What is it?

Nothing, I just.

Elvis, have you ever wondered what would happen

if the big earthquake hit

and all the nuclear power plants in California blew up?

I mean, what would they do

with all that hundreds of thousands of dead bodies?

Babycakes, let's go back to sleep.

♪ I can feel your touch ♪

♪ I'm reaching out in this love ♪

[man on TV] I've read all the books

and listened to all the tapes on how to get rich.

[newscaster] Was bombed at guerrilla base

killing at least 49 soldiers and 13 civilians.

[Egg cries]

[father knocks]

Polly, honey, everything all right?

I'm fine, Dad?

You want something to eat?

We saved you some shepherd's pie.

No, thanks. I'm not very hungry.

You sure?

We can heat it up in the micro.

Thanks, Dad, really.

I ate already with Alyssa and Dingbat.

Maybe later then.

Okay.

[vendor] And wear this in high style, 3729, $34.95.

[Egg cries]

Are you lost my little lambs? Confused?

Don't know which way in this world to turn?

[alternative music]

Back in a flash.

[phone rings]

-Damn. -[woman screams]

Godzilla, you there, man.

Pick up, pick up, come on.

Hey, you gotta help me out, man.

I need that address for the party tonight at the Jujyfruit dude's place,

so when you get this message,

leave the address on my machine and I'll beep in.

Thanks, Holmes.

Once we get there, I'm gonna rip Jujyfruit's balls off

and wear them as beef earrings.

Yeah, well, they're not gonna go with those shoes, you low rent whore.

-Hey, where's the crystal? -Yes.

Who's got the crystal?

Well, did you get the address?

-You are a drug pig. -Didn't I tell you?

I'm rubber, you're glue.

Don't worry about a thing, babe.

-Hold on. -You're the best.

Montgomery?

Mel?

Butthead hog bitch Lucifer?

Anybody here?

-[body thuds] -Ow.

Montgomery.

Dude.

[creature breathes]

[people scream]

Hello, children of God, will you do me this one teeny little old favor.

[audience] Yes.

Wherever you are, put down whatever it is

you're doing and close your eyes.

Come on, do it with me now.

Don't be shy, nobody's watching.

Close your eyes, shut them tight.

Now along with me, think about heaven.

Concentrate.

Get a full color widescreen picture in your mind.

Ain't it nice?

Ain't it so downright beautiful.

Just feel it.

Feel that white, pure, holy light cascading through your veins,

coursing through your body and soul.

Praise sweet Jesus, whoa!

Now, doesn't that make you feel so much better?

[Egg cries]

Just thinking about going straight to heaven,

doesn't it make you feel so gosh darn good inside?

Inner peace, harmony, eternal everlasting salvation.

It is yours people.

All yours and all you have to do is believe.

Believe.

Do you believe, my fellow children of God?

What's that, I can't hear you, brothers and sisters.

[audience] Believe, we believe.

I cannot hear you brothers and sisters.

[audience] We believe.

We believe.

I cannot hear you, brothers and sisters.

It's like I got cotton balls stuck in my ears.

-[audience] We believe. -We believe.

You at home, you gotta help me out.

You gotta let me know, you gotta let Jesus know.

We believe. We believe.

Louder, brothers and sisters.

Let Jesus hear your proud, strong magnificent forces roar.

-[audience] We believe, we believe. -We believe.

We believe, we believe.

We believe.

We believe.

[tires squeal]

You are such the driving talent.

Hey, loser.

Where's Montgomery?

Everybody else is free.

We can't wait around for him all friggin' night.

I saw him in the locker room a while ago,

did you check in there?

What's the matter, Dark?

Isn't that his cross?

What, did he get bored and go home or something?

That guy is so capital L-A-M-E.

I vote we migrate to the party, okay?

The keg's already extinct, I'm sure.

Don't you think maybe we ought to wait for him?

-I mean, what if-- -He can hook up with us later.

He knows the address.

Besides, I know if it's the 'stacey,

but this place is starting to give me the heebies.

I gotta make a call.

I'll catch you guys there.

-Bye, see ya. -Whatever.

[tires squeal]

[alternative music]

Why are we stopping?

Are we lost, huggy bear?

Of course not.

I'm just figuring out the shortcut route.

Zero, it doesn't matter.

I mean, I really don't care about that soggy old party.

-It probably sucks anyway. -Zoe, we're gonna find it.

I would never let you down.

You're a dream come true.

Okay, out!

You heard me pinhead, get out of the car

before I perforate you.

Please, it's my mom's, she'll kill me.

Well, tell her that the Ataris say thanks for the bitchin' wheels, bitch.

Zero, don't!

-[gunshots] -Zero!

Hey, Mr. Sighvatssohn, it's Cowboy.

Is Bart in?

I can't understand, what?

Speak English, please.

Mr. Sighvatssohn.

I can't understand you, speak English.

[speaks foreign language]

What?

I don't know what...

[mother screams]

Mr. Sighvatssohn.

Give me that.

I'm full of hate, I want to kill.

-I'm full of hate, I want to kill. -Crank it up, bitch.

-I'm full of hate, I want to kill. -Crank it up!

-I'm full of hate, I want to kill. -Louder!

-I want to kill. -Louder!

[punk rock music]

[all laughing]

-Isn't this fun? -Sure.

Don't worry, smooshkins, I love you.

Me, too. Totally.

But my mom is gonna wire a car battery on my testicles.

Hey, tadpoles, wanna ride?

Yeah, where you heading?

Well, there's this party at Jujyfruit's.

Cool.

♪ I'm the trash, you and me ♪

♪ With a little on the graves ♪

Ready?

Assume the position.

Oh, my God, have you seen Alexis lately?

She's gained like 50 pound in a week.

I warned her not to stop doing Crystal.

♪ It's in everything we do ♪

♪ It's in everything we do ♪

Cool.

Blood is cool.

No, honey, your tongue is cool.

Sick.

Glory, hallelujah, I am so polluted.

Awesome.

Jujyfruit.

Wet party, amigo.

-What's up, Handjob? -Me, I'm up.

Yeah, man, you got any more

of those horse tranquilizer things in there?

No, man, I took my supply before I came,

-but I have some cataclysmic-- -Jujyfruit!

-So, like location of the kegger? -Um.

-Brewski, bro? -Yeah, sure.

Hey, baby.

I think I stepped in dog doo.

Get you a beer? Score me one, too.

Yeah, just grab as many as you can, okay?

What am I, the friggin' barmaid? Come with. Come on!

Excuse me.

Now?

-Mel, we gotta talk. -Yeah?

I think we need to discuss our relationship.

What relationship?

Ah, Dark, baby, look, I just don't think this is the time

or the place.

[together] Yo, Mel.

Surf, Ski, what's up.

[together] Same old, same old.

Hey, Dirk.

We haven't seen you since that time backstage

at the Palace after the Engorged Gonads show.

[punk rock music]

You Tarzan, me, Jane.

Oh, I can feel the vein

of your purple-headed monster throbbing inside me.

Supersonic.

Hey, isn't that your twin brother?

[Lilith moans]

What? Oh, hi, sis.

Dad said for me to remind you to mow the lawn tomorrow.

Well, you can tell Dad

to kiss my grinnin' grunt lizard, all right.

No wonder I'm feeling so randy all of a sudden, come here.

Hey, you know Alonzo DeLosa?

That dude never shuts up.

Well, he shagged this chick he met at Jones a couple weeks ago

and last Wednesday he woke up

and his pecker was covered in itch black pus oozing sores.

Oh.

-And, plus it smelled like popcorn. -About time.

Bend over, robot. Where's Mel?

Hey, guys, Bob's here.

Who's Bob?

That hermaphrodite porn star who can screw himself.

-Oh, him? -Yeah.

What's a hermaphrodite?

Ducky, man, phone call.

It's your parental unit. Come on.

Hello? Hello?

Hey, cutie.

Can I jizz on your face?

[alternative music]

Wait a second, Dad, I can't hear you.

Hey, where's Lucifer going?

I gotta leak. Major.

Okay.

[boy vomits]

[Dark pees]

Whoopsie.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, you're thing is out.

Huh?

Oh, sorry.

Are you done?

Yeah.

Except, well.

Ew, repulso.

I guess I'll have to use the other john.

[Mel burps]

Excuse me.

So you gonna get with Surf and Ski tonight?

I suppose.

Mel, are we still together or what?

Dark.

I just wish things weren't so messed up and confusing, that's all.

Oh.

Can't we just leave this place?

Can't we just leave this whole planet behind

and forget about everybody and everything

-and just like be in love and stuff. -Oh, Dark.

[partygoer knocks] Hello! Hello!

-Put the drugs away and open up. -Dark. I...

Look, can't we just deal with this later, okay?

Okay?

I just really miss you that's all.

-[man] Hello, LAPD. -Can you hold on a minute?

I gotta go pee.

-Hey, sis. -What are you doing here?

-Hangin'. -I need air.

Hey, Dark, how's tricks?

Hey, Zero.

Radical party, huh?

[boy vomits]

Yeah, sure.

Dad, slow down.

Son, I don't know how to...

Dad, what is it?

[Dad cries]

What is it? What's wrong?

[sobbing] It's-- It's your sister.

[siren blares]

What? What's wrong, Dad?

[indistinct chatters]

Hey, Dark, have you seen Ducky? He disappeared.

No.

I think I'm gonna bail.

How come?

This party's about as fun as an ingrown butt hair.

No!

Ducky!

[water flows]

Grab his arm.

1, 1000, 2, 1000, 3, 1000.

1, 1000, Ducky.

[Ducky coughs]

Get me a towel.

[punk rock music]

-[moans] -Ducky?

♪ I believe there's something else ♪

♪ Tell the world there's someone else ♪

♪ Stick your fingers in your book ♪

♪ Take the blood and take a look ♪

HOPE

How would you like to sit on my face

and cut a nice big juicy fart?

Yo, Dark. Hey.

[punk rock music]

What's happening, Handjob?

No poontang, that's for sure.

[Handjob burps]

Pardon my French.

Hey, you need anything?

Up, down, all around?

Nah, I'm blowin'.

It's been a gnarly day.

Oh, yeah.

In the last 18 hours,

I've seen four people get abducted by a space alien,

watched Ducky try to drown himself.

Plus I spent like 387 bucks on CDs at Aran's.

Kick my mom.

Hey, what CD's you score?

Hey, punk, remember me? The one you sold the bad drugs to.

-The one you ripped off. -Elvis, baby, come on.

Where's my money, huh?

I got some stuff in the car, killer stuff.

-It's your gratis. -Elvis, don't!

[Handjob grunts]

Elvis, Elvis!

Come on, come on, asshole, come on, come and get me.

Come on, big man.

[both grunting]

Oh, my God, Elvis.

You're killing him.

Stop, what's wrong with you, Elvis?

Don't!

Stop it!

[Elvis laughs hysterically]

[punk rock music]

[Elvis laughs hysterically]

Dear diary, what a day.

I swear I've never been so depressed

and miserable and lonely in my entire life.

It's like I know there's got to be somebody out there somewhere.

Just one person in this huge, horrible unhappy universe

that can hold me in their arms

and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

And how long do I have to wait before that person shows up?

I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand,

watching everyone around me

die a slow, agonizing death.

It's like we all know

way down in our souls

that our generation is gonna witness the end of everything.

You can see it in our eyes.

It's in mine. Look.

I'm doomed.

I'm only 18 years old and I'm totally doomed.

[crickets chirping]

[Montgomery knocks]

Wait.

Jesus!

Montgomery.

The weirdest thing just happened to me.

Well, are you gonna just stand there with your mouth hangin' open

or are you gonna let me in?

Sorry.

Thanks.

So, like what happened?

I got kidnapped by space aliens.

Really?

And then what?

Well, they did all these tests and experiments and stuff on me.

And then I overheard them talking about their plan to take over the earth.

Then I escaped.

No way.

Way.

Fookin' A.

I feel strange.

I think I'm catching a cold or something.

Do you wanna, um--

Is it okay if I just rest here for a while?

I'm suddenly like so tired.

Sure.

Well aren't you gonna?

Yeah.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

I mean, I know you and Mel are like whatever.

Whatever is right.

She's all, you know...

It's... It's not like I'm gay or anything

and I know we kinda just met,

but I really like you a lot

and I think about you.

Me, too. [clears throat]

I mean, I feel the same about you.

Like when I was trapped in the pod thing that the aliens held me captive in,

all I could think about was what if they kill me

and I never get to see you again.

I sound retarded and pathetic, I know.

But all my life I've been searching

for one special person on this awful scary planet

who I can love,

who loves me for what I am.

That is so poetic.

Is it okay if I spend the night?

I really wanna sleep next to you.

Only if you promise to never, ever leave me.

Deal.

[crickets chirping]

[Montgomery coughs]

What?

Is something the matter?

Montgomery.

Montgomery, what is it?

Montgomery! Montgomery!

Tell me what it is, please!

Montgomery!

Montgomery!

Oh, my God, stop!

Montgomery! Montgomery!

Montgomery!

I'm outta here.

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Me and my friend were walking ♪

♪ In the cold light of morning ♪

♪ Tears may blind the eyes ♪

♪ But the soul is not deceived ♪

♪ In this world even winter ain't what it seems ♪

♪ Here come the blue skies ♪

♪ Here come the springtime ♪

♪ When the rivers run high ♪

♪ And the tears run dry ♪

♪ When everything that dies ♪

♪ Shall rise ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Is stronger than death ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Is stronger than death ♪

♪ In our lives we hunger ♪

♪ For those we cannot touch ♪

♪ All the thoughts unuttered ♪

♪ And all the feelings unexpressed ♪

♪ Play upon our hearts like the mist upon our breath ♪

♪ But awoke by grief our spirits speak ♪

♪ How could you believe ♪

♪ That the life within the seed ♪

♪ That grew arms that reached ♪

♪ And a heart that beat ♪

♪ And lips that smiled and eyes that cried ♪

♪ Could ever die ♪

♪ Here come the blue skies ♪

♪ Here come the springtime ♪

♪ When the rivers run high and tears run dry ♪

♪ When everything that dies shall rise ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Is stronger than death ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Is stronger than death ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Is stronger than death ♪

♪ Love, love, love ♪

♪ Is stronger than death ♪

♪ Shall rise ♪

♪ Shall rise ♪

♪ Shall rise ♪

♪ Shall rise ♪

[crickets chirping]

No!