Original subtitles

[THE SUCKER]

Can you give me a hand, Mme Chenu?

Wait, give me that.

Careful with my snack!

So, like every summer, I'll send your mail to Carcassonne?

No, this for year's vacation I'm touring Italy. - Oh, Yeah?

Hope it'll be warmer than here. What a rotten summer!

- Thanks, Mme Chenu. - Bon voyage, M. Antoine.

I'll come back all tanned.

Oh, no, what a catastrophe!

- Look at that! - What's wrong?

- "What's wrong"?! - What?

You can see what's wrong!

It won't run very smoothly now!

Oh, please, be my guest, walk all over it!

- It's no big deal. - No big deal?! That's a good one!

- What'll I do now? - Become a pedestrian. - Huh?!

My vacation's screwed. I was off to Italy.

- Take a plane, it's quicker. - I'm not in a hurry.

Well, I am! Are we all done here?

- By all means! - Here's my card.

My insurance agent will contact you. Voila!

Really! The nerve of some people!

Him and his big fancy crate!

Hmph!

Léopold Saroyan, Managing Director...

I don't give a rat's ass!

No, to London; yes, to New York.

And Stockholm... I dunno.

- Yeah! - M. Maréchal says he has a meeting.

That's right, I arranged it. Let him in.

Ah, my poor friend, the victim. Mea culpa.

- I'm sorry about yesterday. - Not as much as me.

Have a seat.

Careful, it's on castors.

You know, I was up all night because of you.

Oh, really? Well, excuse me.

- From the shock. - What about me?

Your ruined vacation will ruin mine.

Tell me, do you still intend to go to Italy?

Dunno if you noticed, but my car had a slight accident yesterday.

That's exactly why I had them call you this morning.

I found you real "simpatico" from the start.

And I had a little idea which will fix everything.

Huh?

Cigar?

Havana. Mm!

A little Scotch?

If you insist.

Here, press the green button.

Look over there as you do it.

Look, eh?

Well, well!

And that's not all. Watch... click!

Amazing... Really.

Look here...

My friend M. Duschmurtz, from Miami,

is visiting Europe in his Cadillac.

Stuff like, the Parthenon, the Berlin Wall,

the Folies Bergères...

The whole civilisation, eh?

- Now, then... - Hey...

- What's that? - Nothing, nothing.

Just a second.

- You can have it. - Thanks.

Anyway, he receives a telegram and...

I'll take it back, 'cause you're not listening.

So, he receives a telegram...

- Oh, yes. - Your health.

He receives a telegram and must fly back, immediately to the US.

Father ill, mother ill...

Aw, that's always a nuisance.

So, the Cadillac is abandoned.

Poor thing!

It arrives Monday, at Naples. - Naples? - Naples.

So, M. Duschmurtz asked me to get it from Naples

to Bordeaux, where it'll be shipped back to the US.

Naples to Bordeaux.

Oh, that's a lovely trip.

That lovely trip, M. Maréchal, is YOURS to make!

- Me? - Yes.

I'm here. Here, here... Turn round.

Oh, pardon.

Today is August 14,

and the car has to be in Bordeaux on August 27,

en route to Florida, Miami.

- 13 days? - Voila!

Say!...

Seeing Italy from a Cadillac must be quite something.

Are you pleased?

I'd like a little scotch, may I?

No, the bottle's already there. - Ah.

- Monsieur. - Thank you, son.

Here's your ticket, Paris-Naples by Caravelle jet.

And 500,000 liras, travel expenses.

M. Saroyan, that's too much!

I consume much less than a Cadillac.

And I'm inviting you stay for lunch, with a few friends.

W-Well, Messieurs,

in my line, I'm quite a success.

I make baby clothes. Ehm...

I am in baby clothes!

- Can I say something? - Please do, my dear fellow.

What books should he read, to get to know Italy?

Take with you Stendhal's 'Promenades dans Rome'.

A marvelous guide!

I already bought the Michelin Guide.

- And I intend... - We have to go now.

Caravelle jets are very accomodating but they won't wait. Time flies.

Well, messieurs, it was an honour.

The door's that way.

No, not that one. This way.

- And, ehm... - Yeah.

Michelin Guide? Baby clothes? Who is that moron?

Eh, no... Don't bother. It's fine.

Merci.

Well, what'd you think of him?

Do you expect congratulations?!

You've decided on your own to entrust OUR millions

to the first idiot to come along...

Wev'e been 'customizing' that Cadillac for 6 months

and at the last moment, you pick a driver to make the transfer

without consulting us?

What's wrong with you trying to smuggle it all at one go?

100 kilos of heroin, 300 of gold, and the Baalbek jewels...

Saroyan, you're putting all our money in one basket.

I'm worried sick...

for you.

You'll have to answer for it to our American associates.

I'll deal with Du Schmurtz e Schmertz. Listen to me, dammit!

For such cargo we need a naive patsy who suspects nothing.

You avoid one problem to jump into 100 others.

Exactly! My whole fortune's in that car,

If I lose it, it'll kill me. And you too!

Our deal of a lifetime depends on that imbecile?!

Anything could happen in 2,500 kilometers!

I thought of that and I chose him at the last moment

because he's honest and it shows on his face.

And that's the best passport!

Listen, remember, at Customs the man is suspect, not the car.

Single, businessman,

rap sheet: pure as the driven snow.

My friends, our French hide is at stake because of me, OK.

But, I made a decision, and you're going to approve it.

I'll follow, myself, the Cadillac and its cargo

the whole length of its voyage.

Let's recap, if you don't mind.

Voila!

Give me a pencil.

The Cadillac:...

the wheels...

the bumpers...

Just a rough sketch, skip the details.

Hang on... windshield... trunk... Voila!

The dope... Where could it be?

In the rear wings.

And the gold?

The front bumper and back bumper.

Both, obviously, covered in chrome.

The Baalbek diamonds, emeralds and rubies are in the battery.

In a bakelite false bottom perfectly moulded into the unit.

This genius of a plan, messieurs, is signed...

Sa-ro-yan.

Voila!

The Yu-Kun-Kun is in the battery too?

No, monsieur!

The Yu-Kun-Kun, the world's largest diamond,

is there!

Messieurs, on the eve of a great battle, Caesar said,

"I would burn my cloak if my cloak knew my plan."

Let's follow the example of Julius Caesar.

Take care not to end up like him.

Oh, no.

No, monsieur!

The Yu-Kun-Kun: world's largest diamond,

is there!

- Hello. - G-got the t-t-tape?

Better than that. Here's the sound...

and here's the image!

Unfold it.

A plan?

- And signed Sa-Sa-Sa... - Royan.

You're a champ, Mario!

I've earned my 10%. When do I get it?

Wait till I snatch the Cadillac.

Nothing's certain with that bastard Sa-Sa-Saroyan.

Piece of cake!

Wait till you see the sucker they got to move the loot.

- Does he know? - Not a thing.

Poor guy.

Hope we don't have to b-b-b...

- Beat him up? - B-b-bump him off.

When you're hunting, pheasants, you're likely to shoot pigeons, too.

Pronto, pronto.

Oh, it works! Yes, pronto?

This is the radio-telephone service. What is your number?

Ah... Marcadet 1819.

No, the number of your car.

Oh, hang on.

Florida 8-22-139.

I'll link you into our network.

All right.

So, if anyone calls me, you'll let me know?

- All done, you can hang up, now. - Right.

Permesso! Me: avanti!

What a responsibility!

A car this size... It's not like riding a bike.

And this damn horn won't...!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that horn! What's he doing?

Ah... Thank you.

Customs check. Anything to declare? [ITAL]

No, my luggage is in the hotel.

May I have the documents please.

This?

- It's fine. - Great. - You can go through.

Get down!

Now, keep the right distance.

Too close, he'll spot us. Too far, we'll lose him.

I'll never find my way.

What a crowd!

Monsieur?

Monsieur...

Signor?

Buon giorno.

- You speak French? - No. Napolitano.

Oh, this is gonna be fun. Come...

Bumper: bent in at-a the back-a

and-a demolished at-a the avanti.

So you fix-a, rapido!

Because me: in Naples two days...

So, then... Finito my trip.

Fine, what do you expect me to...[ITA]

This macchina: not mine.

Fine, but how can I? This is all mangled.

I got so many jobs. Look: here, here!

Two days isn't possible!

Not-a possible?

Maybe at the ordinary-o price-o?

But-a, for 20,000 lire? Do we have a deal-a?

20,000? Tomorrow morning at 9 tha car will be ready.

No, no. 'Domani' morning-o. Eh?

'Domaning mornow'... Anyway, you know what I mean.

Goodbye.

It's gold, Signor Tagliella.

Gold? Gold?!

Thank you.

Holy Virgin of Immaculate Conception, I thank you.

Oh, Madonna, the exact same bumper!

There he is!

A taxi? What could've happened to the car?

Must've put it in the garage.

Ah, truly marvelous!

Looks brand new.

No, no, not brand new! It's your old one.

I know it's not brand new. What an idiot!

Here's your 20,000 lire.

No, it's too much, 5,000 is enough.

No, no, a promise is a promise.

I hardly did anything. It was so easy.

- OK, 15,000, then. - No, I love the French.

OK. Here's 10,000, but it's a steal.

Oh, all right, just to make you happy. Grazie.

Not at all. Not at all.

Bravo, that's a really good job.

- Got the keys? - Yes, yes.

Thanks.

To think of all the nasty things they say about Neapolitans!

But, I'll tell everyone how honest you are.

Yes. Bravo! That's what I was trying to say.

- Au revoir! - Arrivederci!

- Arrivederci! - And bon voyage!

Bbon voyage!

Oh-la-la, la-la, la-la...

I've got the pedal to the metal, boss. We'll soon catch up.

You've said that 100 times, but I still don't see him.

Yes? Pronto?

This is Rome radio-phone.

We're conducting tests. Can you hear me?

Yes, perfectly.

By the way, could I call Paris?

What number?

Solférino 1212.

- Solférino 1212. - Right.

- Person-to-person? - Yes, person-to-person.

- What name? - M. Saroyan.

Sa-Ro-Yan.

Cut that out!

It's not me, boss, it's the motor.

- What motor? - Ours!

We're running out.

- Running out where? - Out of gas.

Are you bullshitting me?

No, boss, I forgot to fill up in Naples.

It can't be! Are you bullshitting me?

Why do I pay you?!

Boss, look, a service station!

We gotta catch him. C'mon, push!

PUSH!

Hurry! I'd better push, too.

Young man! Quick, fill-up, please. Giovanotto! Presto, il pieno per favore!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Presto, presto, presto!

Prestoooo!

- Boss! - Yeah?

- Boss, look! - At what?

I got the door, boss.

Fill her up, per favore.

Yes, yes, here I am.

Pronto? Yes?

Yes, I did call Paris.

That's right, M. Saroyan.

Hold the line a second, please.

Hello?

Hello, Monsieur? Person-to-person call for M. Saroyan.

If it's from Italy, patch it through to the radio-phone.... Yes.

Jaguar 411-763, Milan.

Hello, yes, Saroyan here.

Hello, it's Maréchal.

What? Who?

I can barely hear, M. Saroyan.

I can't hear you, M. Saroyan!

Cover me, he mustn't see me!

How's the weather in Paris?

Um... ah...

Overcast, but warm.

That's funny, now I hear you very well,

as if we were next to each other.

Well, it's hot here, too.

If you hadn't been so busy,

we could've made this trip together.

Anyway, M. Saroyan, I just want thank you again.

Not at all, it's perfectly natural.

Ah no! You don't meet people of your caliber every day.

Mever mind that. You haven't broken down?

or done any repairs, huh?

No... no... nothing.

No, not at all.

I've never had any car trouble.

Except the day I met you. Remember?

He asks if I remember... Meathead!

Hello? Hello?

Hm! Cut off.

What do I owe you?

- 4,500. - Keep the change.

Grazie!

OK, boss, he's gone.

Ah! A guy could suffocate in there.

Pay him, quick!

No idea what he was up to in Naples. Never mind, we'll find out later.

Come on, quick, let's go!

Hello?

Hello? The hairdresser, per favore.

Pronto! Sprechen Sie Deutch. Speak English. Parlez français.

What does monsieur desire? Buzz cut?

I lack the wherewithal!

Scalp massage with Chanel, then?

Or with Molineux, or Farina?

No, just the... barba♪. (beard)

Ah, la barba...

Ahm...At least a manicure, eh?

(Well, why not?)

Sì!... Room 432.

OK.

Certainly not Croesus. Just a starving travelling salesman.

Loulou, go p-p-park the Austin in the hotel garage.

I can't take this life anymore! Hello. [IT]

- My head is exploding! - You are a cretin.

And you're a pest! Why do you try to make me jealous?

Why don't you marry me?...

- Because you like making me jealous! - To hell with Sicily and Sicilians!

You know what? I'll take the next guy who wants to marry me!

- The very first one! - Shh...

Come in.

Mickey... Michele!

- What? - Come, listen.

Here, you take over.

You need all those weapons against me?

Yes, monsieur. If you want to be beautiful you have to suffer.

My beauty in your hands.

She's gonna have her work cut out!

Scusi.

Piano! (softly)

Scusi.

- Is that an engagement ring? - Yes.

He's a lucky man.

Pianissimo, pianissimo, please.

He doesn't think he's so lucky.

He's in no hurry to get married.

He's "thinking it over".

Must be an intellectual!

Oh no! No way.

Your right hand, please.

Ah, thank you.

- What's your fiancé like? - Siciliano.

Sicilian? Oh, that means he's jealous?

Ah, very much. Terribilimente!

- He'd like to lock me up. - Oh, what for?

He says it's the only way to have a faithful wife.

Mind you, if he's jealous, it's because he loves you.

But jealous men always end up...

- How do you say?

- Cornuto? - That's it, Cornuto. (Cuckold)

- Ow! - Scusi... - What are you nuts?

'Scusi' my eye!

Er... I said scusi!

I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.

That burns! Are you insane?

- Facial massage is good for the wrinkles. - No, no! Please.

- Some talcum? It's good. - No, no, out! Fuori!

Allez, allez. Basta, basta! You understand?

- A little cipria? - No, no 'cipria'! (talcum)

- Allez, au revoir. - So little?

- Arrivederci! - Au revoir.

Voila.

Thank you very much.

- Could we do it again? - Not right away.

Pity. I don't recognise my own hands after your treatment.

Pardon.

I... I mean, you...

Shh. You're about to say something silly.

You think so?

Anyway, tell me...

Are you truly in love with your fiancé?

Hm, the French are so indiscreet!

- Less than your Roman sun. - Oh!

He's charmed her!

Amazing, amazing, amazing! Did I mention he amazes me?

- Hey, boss. - Yeah.

Why not use this time to check the cargo in the Cadillac?

Oh, excellent idea!

While he's... I'll go downstairs and...

Wait here.

- Mademoiselle?... - Gina.

Gina? Ah!

Being from around here, you must know some good restaurants.

Yes. You could go to chez Passeto, or La Taverna Flavia...

or La Casina Valadier, if you like music.

And you...

- Do you go there often? - Sometimes.

It'd be fun to meet there.

You at one table, me at another.

I'd invite you to mine.

Only if you were alone, of course.

Yes, but if I were to go,

I'd certainly not be alone.

That's why I'm asking you to go with me.

The thing is, I'm not free...

Aw!

until six o'clock, tonight.

The garage: left, or right?

First on your left, signore.

Per favore, which way to the garage?

Inner stairwell, the small steel door, signore.

Ah, grazie.

Where are the keys?

I left them in the car...

Oh, man!

(Piss off. Piss off!)

How could this happen?

(Piss off)

- Is someone there? - No, you're alone.

Oh, right.

How could this happen?

This is impossible. Where are those keys?

Ah, then, they...

They must be in my room.

What... What's going on?

Did you?... Hey, you!

Hey, lei.

Get me down!

No, no...

Descendi!

La 'machina', descendi!

Wha... what...

What are you doing?

Stop! What are you doing?

Stop! Fermare!

Fermare! Do you hear?

Stop, I said!

My head's spinning.

What a way to carry on!

Signore!

Give me la scala.

Scala.

He doesn't understand! The 'scaladder'!

The 'scaladder'.

You're no genius, eh?

OK, give me that.

Look at this. Ridiculous!

The car's going down now. Keep the car steady!

Stop the car!

Stop the car, I said!

Are you a beginner in this trade, or what? Unbelievable!

(Keys... Keys.)

Ah!

That's just what I was looking for: the keys.

All right, then, grazie.

- (erowyarngh?) - Uh, yeah...

Poor guy, a bit simple.

Take this and we'll forget all about it.

- This is for you. - (No.)

Sì, sì, per lei. Per lei.

Thanks. Here, take it!

What a dope!

Doesn't even understand his own language.

A table for two?

- Do you have a reservation? - Ah, no.

It'll be difficult, we're very busy tonight.

Let me see if I can find you a small table.

Thank you.

Caviar and champagne to start?

- All right with you? - Yes, I'm starving. - Good.

Caviar, champagne... and the whole menu!

Ah, Rome!

Rome...

You and me, together here, is...

is an undreamt of delight.

It's crazy, good I feel!

Oh, no...

Be... Be careful!

Scusi. Scusi.

- Ciao Nino. - Ciao.

No point, even, trying to get a table...

Nino! How are you?

- Come sit with us. - No, no...

- Oh, Nino, ciao! - Ciao!

- Come sit with us. Let's dance. - No, I can't, now...

Gimme your hand, quick!

What, here?

Not like that.

Cosi! (Like this)

Oh, Antonio!

That's the third time you've done that!

- Mi scusi. - Huh, scusi... scusi!

- Let's leave. - No, what about dinner?

I'm not hungry anymore.

Gina!

Gina, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Antoine, take me away.

Away? Where? To my place?

Oh, sì!

Or, not...

Let's leave Rome tonight or tomorrow...

Would you like that, Antoine?

Oh, yes.

You must be very unhappy to ask me that.

Allez. Hop in.

Finally!

Sleep...

with one eye open, but still, it's sleep.

The Cadillac!

Ah! Fire! Fire!

The stutterer's in Rome!

Fire! The stutterer's in Rome! Hurry!

I recognized him.

The dope! The Cadillac! Quick, my holster!

Quick! Hurry! Allez, quick, quick!

Hup! Quick Hup-hup!

Hurry, hurry!

You sonsabitches!

Go on, shoot!

The bastard's shooting at us!

Shoot out the tires!

Missed! You try!

Missed, again!

Ah!...The dope!

It's blowing away!

Goddamn your dead ancestors, you sonsabitches!

Drop dead, you cuckolds!

Let's change places. Take the wheel.

Watch it, watch it, watch it!

The rifle.

Got him!

Don't shoot!

Oh no!

Wait here.

Hey!...

- Repairs! - At this hour?

- I'll pay. Soldi, soldi! - Right away! - Grazie.

Quick, get back to Rome. Allez!

There...

Better warm up the motor. She must be pretty cold.

Alright, I heard you.

Ah, yes, allez, allez!

- Oh, the fiancé. - Faster!

Come back, Gina!

Come back, Gina! Stop!

Stop.

Hello.

Now you won't be alone for the rest of the trip.

- Forgive me, Antoine. - Me, forgive you?...

I'm very proud to have made him jealous.

Careful, he might have his razor.

Adieu, Gina.

You'll always be a lovely memory of Italy.

I wish you much happiness.

Ciao, Antoine.

- Rotten, beastly woman! - Cretin!

Ach, the French, toujours l'amour! (always love)

No, no... They: Italian. Me: French.

Goodbye, Gina.

Goodbye.

My name is Ursula Lamberschausenberger.

Oh, not an easy name. Think you can 'spell' it for me?

I think you're 'swell' too, monsieur.

Thanks.

Just call me Antoine, 'period'.

Then, let's go, monsieur 'Period'!

This is starting out well.

Doesn't anything make you blush?

No, I never turn red because I use suntan oil.

Do you know how?

- No, but I learn fast. - Bitte. (please)

You're just a natural woman, eh?

Ja, natulrich. [GER] I am a naturist.

Prudery is what gives people nasty thoughts.

- Do you have nasty thoughts? - Me? No, not at all.

Good. Because men and women are all made the same.

Still, there are a few small differences!

No, we all have two legs,

two arms, two ears...

Stop, stop, I get it.

I know what I'm talking about!

I am a student of anatomy at Heidelberg University.

Ach, schoen!

Eine *likrabahn! (stereo)

Danke, Antoine. You dance well.

But that isn't what I like about you.

What could it be, then?

Not my hair, hm?

Guess.

My eyes, perhaps? My mother thinks they're lovely.

But, she IS my mother.

It isn't physical.

My intelligence, perhaps?

My father thinks I'm intelligent.

But, he IS my father.

What I like about you is your simplicity.

I don't think I'm all that simple!

Dear Antoine, we drove past the best hotels

in Sienna and Florence,

and you didn't even look.

But I know what you were thinking.

"Poor little Ursula doesn't have a swanky dress in her little bag."

So you stopped here instead, because it would suit my style.

I'm not how you imagine. Camping's my style too!

You hide your kindness, that's even nicer.

- Shall we go nightie-night? - That's a good idea.

Voila... Prego.

Signorina, a kilo of sugar, please. One kilo.

Grazie.

Voila...

Voila...

Goodnight.

Gute Nacht.

They've gone to bed.

Three of us in here, is unbearable!

We've been in here hours.

Look at this disorder!

What's this? Is it yours?

And this? Yours?

And this?...

And this? Here!

Handle this with care... Carefully!

Did you hear something?

A mosquito.

Missed... Got it!

Don't laugh! Don't laugh!

I'm going out to freshen up.

- Antoine? - Yes, Ursula?

- Are you sleepy? - Not really.

Me neither.

- Shall we go for a stroll? - Yes, that's a good idea.

[MEN'S SHOWERS]

Ouch! I say!

Are you done?!

Shall we swim? I'd really like to.

I don't have my bathing suit.

Neither do I. So what?

All naked, in front of you? I'd be embarrassed.

Not at all, I'm a naturist.

Well, then...

- go ahead. - Ah, no,

It's like making love. It takes two.

If you won't swim... raus!

Fine. I'll move off, then.

Say, Ursula...

Er... um...

would you like me to wait in your tent?

No, Antoine. It's better if you wait for me in yours.

And you'll come join me?

Perhaps, for sure.

You're no gentleman!

From what I see, neither are you.

But, I don't even know you!

How sad, if we only kissed people we knew!

Shall we go for a walk?

Ursula...

Whazzat?

It's Maréchal. Maréchal!

He's out there!

Ursula... Ursula... cherie...

What's he saying?

Ursula...

Ursula...?

A little more oil?

Nein, mein Liebe.

No, not that ich will nicht! Seriously, ich will nicht!

No. No, way!

What am I doing here?

What a night!

Ursula... Ursula...

Buon giorno.

- Ecco la tent... - Grazie.

- Quanto? - 1,000 lire. Grazie, signore. - Arrivederci.

The stutterer!

The stutterer! Damn!

He's latched onto our sucker.

First chance he gets, he'll whack him and take the car.

Get in, quick. After them!

Be my guest.

- Damn! Did you touch anything? - No, boss.

- There's no contact! - Try the...

Go see what's wrong. Quick!

I saw you fiddling with it.

Do you take me for a fool?

What is it?

Keep them.

Allez. Everybody in?

Do you know people in the campground?

An old diabetic pal of mine. We did business at one time.

- Well? What? - Sabotage.

That punk sabotaged our car.

The Cadillac is in that rat's hands. What a catastrophe!

We're screwed. I'll warn Maréchal.

I don't give a DAMN, Might as well warn Maréchal.

Hello. Pronti, pronta... Yes.

Signorina, I'd like to 'parlare'

with the 'vehicle': Cadillac.

- Lemme go! - Come on!

Antoine, can I drive?

Yes, but be careful.

It's pretty fragile.

Take it slow.

Easy does it... That's it.

Bravo!

Brava, brava, brava.

"Indeterminate wait time"?! Fine, I'll wait.

Grazie, signorina.

- What's the hold up? - Sugar everywhere.

In the carburettor, the tank...

The bastards! Come here, you.

Siphon it out. Start siphoning!

Go on!

Careful, hang on... Here we go!

It's OK. Allez, allez, quick!

Ah, the telephone!

Let me answer it, Antoine.

It's so rare in a car.

Hello?

Hello! Hello!

Stop the car, I can't hear! Pull over!

Ah, mademoiselle. What a stroke of luck.

No! Nein! Nein! Nein!...

- I prefer to talk to you. - Was?

Ich bin ein Freund.

A friend, ein Freund, of Herr Antoine Maréchal.

'He' ist in danger. Danger.

Danger. Verstehen Sie, 'danger'?

So, if you nicht intervenieren,

(intervenieren?) Maréchal kaput!

Das ist ganz nicht möglich!

What can I tell you? I...

'Because', der Mann... der Mann...

der pretty-boy... Ach!

Der pretty-boy ist ein 'sonofabitchen'.

Ein grosse 'sonofabitchen'.

Who wants to 'goniffen'... no.

'Beg your pardon'.

Who wants to 'stealen' the Cadillac.

Jawohl. Ich werde das treiben. (Yes. I'll do it)

Ich kann das ihnen versprechen. (I promise you)

Ja, save it. Ja.

Voila. Thanks. I think she 'capeesh'.

- Was that for me? - No, for me.

What a view!

Magnificent!

Oh, that really deserves to be captured on film.

Excellent idea. Hand me the camera,

- I'll shoot you. - Very kind of you.

Ursula, come, we'll take a photo together.

No, I'm going to stock up on sunshine, for the winter.

Let's go down those stairs. The view's much nicer.

You think so?

A propos of Italy,

do you know the one about the photographer? - No.

- Look, how beautiful! - Yes, very lovely.

I know another joke. There's this guy...

- No, no... - OK, right.

But, this one's...

Here we are! Isn't that lovely? Nice, eh?

Magnificent!

Give me the camera and stand there.

- Here? - Yeah, yeah.

More to the right, Antoine.

- Right? - Thanks.

Back a bit. Your feet aren't in frame.

- More. - More?

A bit more and you're there.

This joke's a real corker...

Ten more centimetres will be perfect.

You all right?

- You're here? - Yes.

- This way. - It's nice of you.

Oh! Talk about a...

a shock!

Porca miseria! (of all the rotten luck)

Where's Maréchal?

In th-the s-sea, with his g-girlfriend.

He f-felt like s-swimming.

- Go look. - Eh? - GO LOOK!

The silencer.

If you insist. Thank you.

Please, Doctor...

How dare you! Who do you think you are?

Now for sure it's off to the Police Station with you!

You're coming with me!

Bastard! Sonofabitch! If I catch you, see if I don't!

- But, boss... - Happy now?

Aw, look at this. It'll shrink, now.

Boss, the sucker's swimming with the girl

with his clothes on.

Let's piss off before they get back.

Yes, Antoine, I assure you,

it was a real attempt on your life.

What intrigues me is, someone tried to warn me.

- Who could it be? - A friend of yours, surely.

And he wasn't wrong.

What are you doing?

Mi da un passaggio*? Uno momento. (Gimme a lift?)

Oh, I forgot. I broke your battery.

Why?

To stop that thief from stealing your lovely car. - Ah!

Antoine, it pains me to leave you,

but frankly, with you, a vacation is no vacation at all.

You can't relax.

I'd prefer a car that's not so nice, but calmer.

- You coming or staying? - Coming!

Be careful, Antoine.

Very careful.

- Auf Wiedersehen. - Auf Wiedersehen.

I'll send you a tow-truck.

[FRENCH CUSTOMS]

- M. le commissaire. - Bonjour.

Messieurs, little things lead to big things.

This 'gentleman' is Mario Costa.

Maitre d', on the face of it. Gets busted for fencing stolen goods.

I lean on him a bit,

and he throws in my lap the score of the century.

In two words: gangland drugs!

Beirut decided to smuggle

to the U S the biggest shipment of dope ever.

And that's not all.

They're retrieving, at the same time,

the loot from the Baalbeck hold-up:

gold, diamonds, rubies.

And finally, it seems, the cargo also contains

the Yu-Kun-Kun!

Bigger than the Regent Diamond! (141 carat)

Made all the front-pages when it was stolen!

- Yup. And all packed in one car. - But, which one?

And you think they're coming our way?

According to our information, there's a good chance it'll be here.

Since we can't dismantle every car,

we gotta track their mugs.

Their mugshots, are here.

Our low-lifes.

Lovely trio, no?

Ah, this one's never been collared,

but, I predict he's odds on favorite to win the 'Rose Garland'.

We'll cross the frontier before him and wait on the other side.

Try your headlights, please.

- Are they working? - Yes. The horn, please.

That's the third time now!

Must be a short-circuit. I'll have to get it looked at.

How much for the battery?

18,000 plus the drive out here, let's say 20,000 lire.

Twenty thousand... What do I do with that?

That's no good. Do whatever you want.

- Arrivederci, signore. - No good? Arrivederci.

Damn thing's heavy.

- Passports, please. - Voila.

- Park there, if you would. - I'm in a hurry.

No discussion. Just park.

- What do you have to declare? - Just that I'm in a hurry.

Then, do as instructed. Park there.

No, listen... No... Goddamn...

Look at him, he's poking...

I will not allow this!

Are you finished?

Are you done, making all that noise, huh?!

Look monsieur, you've kept us here two hours. Me and my secretaries.

- So? What do you want from me? - It's intolerable, voila!

Keep cool, they're watching.

If Maréchal shows up, we're fucked. Really fucked.

Super fucked.

- Nothing, M. Commissioner. - Thank you.

- I regret... - Oh, it was nothing.

I regret that I can't collar you!

I forbid you to take that familar tone with me!

- Shut yer trap! - Oh, Lordy!

Bugger off!

- Oh, oh... - Knock it off!

You're right. Excuse me, commissaire.

Finished, Messieurs.

C'mere, both of you.

Ah! Maréchal!

Voila, monsieur, all done.

Where'd he go?

What's his name?

Saro... Saroyan.

M. SAROYAN!

- M. SAROYAN! - Meatheads, bloody meatheads!

- M. Saroyan! - M. Saroyan!

Monsieur Saroyan!

What are you doing here? How nice to see you again.

If you only knew what happened...

Have I got stories to tell you!

Monsieur, I haven't had the pleasure... there's some confusion

- You're joking? - Not at all, monsieur.

Maréchal... Maréchal.

- That's not my name. - It's mine!

The car was...

That's quite enough! Don't insist!

Alright...

You must be right.

Excuse me, monsieur, I must be mistaken.

Hey, you! Please!

- Me? - Yes, you. Park over there.

How does this interest you? Thought I told you to scram!

I forbid you address me so familiarly.

Shut your cakehole and piss off! Yeah.

Your papers, please.

Thank you.

That meathead, Maréchal!

That meathead, Maréchal talked to me in front of the commissaire.

- The cops will find everything. - We lost the dope, ourselves.

What about the rest, imbecile?

Duschmurtz and Schmertz will have my hide!

- So, shall we bugger off? - No, keep watching, because...

Hey! How are things in the wings?

We're checking them now, commissaire.

Good.

It's not gold. Solid steel.

No jewels in the battery, M. commissaire.

No dope in the wings, M. commissaire.

So, no Yu-Kun-Kun either.

The famous diamond?

Well, I'll be!

Don't be a wise guy. Tell me about M. Saroyan.

- Do you know him well? - No.

I thought I did.

OK, off you go!

Boss! Here he comes.

- Where? - There.

He got through. We're saved!

He's amazing, amazing, amazing!

No, no, not that one. He'll recognize the green car.

- I dunno, what do we do, now? - Those cars, there.

Yes, of course. Pardon me.

- Hurry, we're being watched! - Who? - Them!

Park it there, Edouard. And not too fast!

If monsieur would care to climb aboard.

It's not gold. Solid steel.

No jewels in the battery, M. commissaire.

Monsieur, I haven't had the pleasure...

(Hm... They changed car, now)

(Monsieur Saroyan...)

(Hmph!)

(You really played me for a sucker, hm?)

(I'll, still, drive your Cadillac to Bordeaux)

(Only, on the way, we'll go see my friends in Carcassonne)

Oh-la-la, la-la-la...

Allez! Allez! Allez!

Allez, Goddamit!

Quick, quick!

Quick, quick!

All right!

Yoo-hoo! Back again!

What the...?

You coming?

End of the line, everybody out!

Gimme the keys and say your prayers.

Cool your jets, see!

You tried to sink me, but I can swim, see?

You wanna waste me? Me?!

Back off, or I'll put a hurt on you.

Don't make me laugh, I have chapped lips.

Bastard!

Get a load of this...

Sounds hollow.

A hero, without heroin.

Move your ass, will-ya?

Look...

The battery. See for yourself.

Empty as your ball sack!

The bumpers...

They're not gold,

but solid steel.

I-I-I didn't know you w-were in on it.

Poor schmuck.

You still haven't twigged? This heap's a red herring.

- And the Y-Y-Y... - The Yu-Kun-Kun?

Like the rest.

It's all in the old Rolls.

Underneath.

Now, gimme those keys.

If you're a pal of Saroyan, why are you selling him out?

Let's just say...

he didn't do right by me.

[BREAKDOWN]

[BREAKDOWN]

Voila!

Breakfast, Messieurs?

Three café au laits.

- No sugar! - Very well, monsieur.

May I?

A plan, signed by Saroyan. This is gonna be a cakewalk!

Is one of you M. Saroyan?

- Say what? - Saroyan.

Saroyan? Why?

He's wanted on the phone.

- On the phone? Where? - In the booth, inside.

Saroyan?

- Follow me. - Where?

- Hello? - Hello?

Sa-Sa-Saroyan?

Ah, the stutterer!

Bastard, waddaya want?

- Fifty-fifty. - Nothing doing!

Think about it un poco, no?

I just thought of something.

Maybe we can discuss this.

Out on the ramparts, huh?

- Where we won't be disturbed, hm? - Daccordo. (OK)

I'll signal to you by whistling...

Plaisir d'Amour.

♪ La-la, la-la. Bang!

La-la, la-la-la-la. Bang! Bang!

But, come alone.

Otherwise... Tchk-tchk!

This is fun!

Hello, get me 1817, mademoiselle.

Thank you.

Hello, Martial? This is Antoine.

Antoine! Where are you? In Paris?

No, in Carcassonne.

- I just got here. - Come eat with us, I'll call Josette.

No, thanks, that's very kind. Listen, Martial,

I'm calling about a serious matter.

- You need me, kid? - Yes. Tell me...

The rear door, to Rue des Fossés Verts:

Is it still there?

Good. Here's what you do...

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ Chagrin d'amour

♪ Dure toute la vie

Messieurs, your friend wants you on the phone.

Stay here, I'll go.

- Get a move on! - What?

The boss is in danger.

- Where? - 80 Rue des Fossés Verts.

Welcome, Messieurs!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Suzanne, were there three men here earlier?

- Yes, M. Antoine. - Good.

The shortest one, who...

who talks like that... is going to come back.

Tell him not to expect his two pals anymore,

and give him this.

- He'll find it very amusing. - Very well, M. Antoine.

Well... The Italian got reinforcements.

We're gonna catch all these crabs in the same trap.

- What can I get you, monsieur? - A beer.

- And you, monsieur? - A beer.

Hey! Where are those two?

Ho, hey! Where the hell...

Monsieur, I was given this for you.

What is this?

What is this, commissaire?

Shut you yap! Let's go.

I'm humiliated!

This is so humiliating!

Yes. Get inside.

Ah! The stutterer!

Now, nab Maréchal, real quick.

Rendezvous at Bordeaux Police Station.

Above all, be careful with the Cadillac.

Those idiots aren't coming.

Yoo-hoo!

- Hip hip hip... - HURRAH!

Well played, kid!

Goddammit, kill that klaxon!

Kill klaxon! With two 'k's...

Like Yu-Kun-Kun!

Messieurs...

here's the Yu-Kun-Kun.

This guy's amazing, amazing, amazing!

- Take him away. - Me?

Commissaire, I give you my word of honor

this guy has nothing to do with this whole affair.

I advise you to keep your trap shut!

Everyone to the Police Station!

No, not me!

While I have you as a captive audience...

Hell of a mess you've gotten me in, eh?

But I'll get you out, I guarantee. Oh-la-la!

Oh, I'm not worried, I'm innocent.

Anyway, I don't hold it against you because...

What a trip, eh?

And that's what counts in a man's life, huh?

No, they can't hear us.

You'll get the hundred million.

- Hundred million? - The insurance reward for the Yu-Kun-Kun.

- The Yu-Kun-Kun... You found it! - Oh, yeah.

- There were witnesses. - Lots of them, yeah.

So you'll get the reward of a hundred million for the You-kun-kun!

Seems, I'm not such a dumb-kun-kunt after all!

Never mind them....

- Tell me, the hundred million... - Yeah?

What will you do with it?

I dunno, I haven't had time to think.

Listen, listen...

- You trust me? - Er, pff...

- You trust me! - Er...

Look... You trust me, right?

- Yes. - Huh?

No?... You can make money doing that?!

♪Subtitles by♪ XQ2☻♥