Original subtitles

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Man: We have no exit from this freeway, Mr. Kirk!

How am I gonna sell my gasoline?

Woman: We can't live without tourists.

We'll just die, that's all.

Man: Without an exit, we won't have any business here.

A whole lot of stores are gonna have to close!

Quiet! Shh!

I understand your irritation.

But our studies indicate that the town of ticlaw

does not qualify for an exit

based on our demographic analyzation.

No! No.

You're just too small!

All: Too small?

Please, now, come on.

There--there's an-- there is an exit...

35 miles south, the town of Marshall.

But they'll get all our tourists!

Now, now, now, now-- hey, hey, hey! Look!

We can't give every little piddly-assed town an exit!

Piddly-assed town?

Kirby, talk to that man!

Man: Kirby, talk to him!

Now, Mr. Kirk has come

all the way down here from Tallahassee,

and I don't think we all should be rude to the man.

However, I do think it's time

that, uh, Mr. Kirk and I had a little chat.

How about some lunch?

I have never liked

dealing with the government.

The only time you hear from them

is when they want to take something from you

or do something to you.

But this here hotel of mine has been the focal point

of this town since the Indians.

Of course, some of the guests

seem to have been here since the Indians, too.

But we've been makin' all kinds of improvements

to attract some new tourists--

a younger crowd.

And this man here is tryin' to keep them tourists

from gettin' here.

Mornin', James.

Kirk: Great lion. Hmm!

Kirby: He's got the runs right now,

but by the time we get our exit,

we expect him to be stable and healthy.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, we got 2 more comin', plus a rhino.

Kirk: Oh, my. Now, there s an elephant.

Kirby: That's bubbles. She's a genius.

Won't make a whole lot of difference

if no one comes to see her.

Well, it won't take a genius

to get people here, I don't think.

That's right.

What it'll take is an exit

from your freeway. How do we get it?

You take 10,000 trips under the table.

That's how you do it.

10,000--

10,000 trips under the table.

Payable in cold, hard, green, laundered you-know-what.

You want it?

We want it.

73, 74, 75, $76.

Come and get your balloons!

Ok, let me take your money. Throw a pie and save ticlaw.

Throw a pie and save tic--.

Kirby: We have a great turnout, honey.

I think we're gonna make it.

Woman: Oh, yes!

All right! Thank you!

Thank you!

Woman: Oh, it's wonderful!

Pancakes! Pancakes! Get your pancakes!

How much is that?

$170!

That makes it over-- that's 170.

That's over $10,000!

That one there is yours.

Looks like you got your exit, Mr. Calo.

Yes, sir. We all got what we wanted.

God bless you, boy.

Bye-bye.

Bye, now.

Now, forget you saw any of this.

Man: Saw what, Mr. Kirk?

Well, we all thought

that was that.

We had ourselves a real victory

for our piddly-assed town.

Man over P.A.: Andrew Jackson freeway!

Kirk, what the hell is this?

You promised US an exit,

and now this damn freeway's open.

The other 3 commissioners voted no on ticlaw.

Now, I mean, who-- who would've guessed?

I don't give a fuck about

the other 3 commissioners.

I gave you $10,000,

not the other 3 commissioners.

Now, you see my people over there?

Kirby, that thing's gotta come down.

We got plenty more signs

where that one come from.

Now, we're gonna make a big stink right here!

Oh, no, you're not!

I'm talkin' to the governor.

Governor! Governor!

Well, what do you expect?

You lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.

But the point is,

you get up and you do something.

Now, I knew at that very moment

tourists from all over america

were headed toward Florida.

And what we had to do was to figure out

how to get 'em into ticlaw.

* the highway stretches out *

* just like a snake across the land *

* it tells a simple story

* that everyone can understand *

* leave your worries all behind you *

* there's a better life ahead *

* and the highway gypsies follow *

* every word the highway says *

* it's a honky tonk freeway

* it's america on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights

* drive-in, drive-out meals

* well, it's winding cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway

* it's where I wanna be

come on, come on.

Move it, move it, move it!

Do we have to go so fast, sister?

Oh, sister, we're going much too fast.

Uh, we're only going 45 miles an hour.

Yes, but that's much too fast.

Put on your brakes.

Oh, sister, if I put on my brakes--

I am your superior. Put on your brakes.

Oh, shit!

Oh. That's better.

* it's a honky tonk freeway

* it's a paradise on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights

* drive-in, drive-out meals

* well, it's winding cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway

* that's where I wanna be

I'm o.J.-- O.J. Simpson.

Number 32 comin' through.

I'm o.J. Simpson.

I gotta get me a commercial

and run through airports.

I'm o.J. Simpson.

Greatest football player

that ever lived. Look at that.

Straight arm. I'm o.J. Simpson.

Why did we wear our uniforms?

They'll know it was US.

They'll never suspect it was real sanitation men.

They'll think we stole the uniforms.

Who would steal the uniform

of a sanitation man?

Woman: Next! People.

Crazy people. Look around you.

You know, they cut off

my welfare checks, and I was going

to Israel with that money.

Here, boy.

Man: I'm sorry. I can't cash it for you.

Woman: It's a government check.

It's a state check,

and you only have $8 in your checking account.

It's bank policy.

Bank policy. Bank policy.

Ooh, I didn't know that cantaloupes was in season.

Please, I don't wanna get caught.

Who's gonna catch US?

Bum: Ok!

I hear that prison is unpleasant.

It's crowded. The food is no good.

Nobody cares!

Woman: Next!

I need this check cashed. Please!

Next!

She scares me.

I'll handle her.

Woman 1: Talk to an officer.

Woman 2: I already talked to an officer.

He said he couldn't help me!

Then I can't help you either.

Excuse US.

Checking or savings?

Neither.

Well, then I can't help you.

Go to the end of the line.

It's a robbery.

Oh, shit.

I need this today.

Shit this.

And if you try anything funny,

I'll blow your ugly head right off.

Man: Eugene!

Would you shut up?

I never seen you become so abusive.

I'm robbin' a bank. I don't have to be nice.

Mary, what do I do when I'm being robbed?

You give US the money.

That's what you do, beard-face.

Eugene!

Would you shut up with that Eugene bit?

You give 'em the money. Next!

You would give them all your money,

and you won't cash a government check?

Dear, they have a gun.

Please! I talked to an officer twice!

What's the problem, miss?

I don't know.

Maybe you can help me.

I'm an actress, I'm on unemployment,

and they won't cash my unemployment check.

You have any identification?

W-Well, sure.

Here's my driver s license.

All right. I'll initial it.

But just this once.

That doesn't mean anything.

Eugene.

Cash the check, Turkey tits.

How would you like that, ma'am?

In cash.

Come on. Load it up, miss piggy.

Thank you so much.

I find you enormously attractive.

How would you like to accompany US

to the sunny state of Florida?

Oh, gee, I'd really love to,

but I have an audition.

Then sit on my face, bitch.

Greatest football player that ever lived!

Act like you're a garbage man.

You better become a garbage man.

I'm o.J. Simpson!

There he is! I'm o.J.!

Ok, grab him.

Hey! Hey!

No! There was 2 of them! They went out the door!

That is not the right guy!

That's not him!

This is a lousy neighborhood.

I look like shit.

It don't feel good.

I look like shit.

Of course you look like shit.

You're dressed in a dirty sheet.

Ever see yourself, you son of a bitch?

You ugly bastard! Look in the mirror!

I got an idea.

Get some bags.

Get on the truck.

We made it! We did it!

All right! All right!

We did it!

All right! All right!

Oh, baby!

What a job!

Oh! Oh!

Is that the right bag?

Of course it's the right bag.

Are you sure that's the right bag?

I'm positive!

Eugene!

You son of a bitch!

It's all right!

What's gonna be all right?

An empty fuckin' can of garbage!

Yes! The money!

We're rich! We're rich!

* my mommy's pouring cheerios

* hurrah

* hurrah

* she's pouring on the oats for US *

* hurrah, hurrah

Ok. Whee!

"Ricky, the carnivorous pony,

by Duane Hansen."

Duane Hansen.

"Once upon a time in a faraway land,

"there was this pony,

and his name was Ricky."

Get to the "munch, munch" part!

Oh, it's coming.

It's coming.

"None of the children could ride him

no matter how hard they tried."

Come on, boys, eat.

Yeah, why not?

"Because when a child

reached his hand up to Ricky,"

aah!

"Munch, munch.

"Went Ricky's powerful, flat, yellow teeth.

"And crunch, crunch,

"crunch. Mmm...

"That little boy was entirely devoid

"of fingers.

Whee!"

The bus is here.

"Whee! Whee!

And the blood ran across his blue lips."

Duane, the bus is here.

Come on, guys. The bus is here.

Let's go.

Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee!

Woman on TV: It's a great pleasure now

to introduce my next guest,

Barbara Reese, formerly Bob Reese.

A woman who underwent a sex change--

a sex operation.

Um, mittens, boys.

Welcome, Barbara.

Barbara, man's voice: Thank you, Kelly.

How did your wife first react to the news

when you went to her

and you said to her, "I want to be a woman"?

Well, she was not at all pleased.

Daddy!

Denny!

Munch, munch!

Be good while I'm away.

Kelly on TV: When did you first decide, Barbara,

that you wanted to be a woman, not a man?

Barbara: Well, actually, I first decided

when I was a soldier

during the Vietnam war.

Jimmy dropped his cap.

Barbara: I believe it was during the tet offensive.

Oh, they left their mittens.

Yes, Duane.

Kelly: Well, did you manage to keep your same job?

Barbara: I did get my old job back, yes.

I do the same work that I always did,

the only difference being

that I get paid less for it now.

Is something burning?

Kelly: You have 2 children.

It's your book.

Duane: My book?

By your longtime marriage.

How do they react to the fact that you're--

Mrs. Hansen: No parent in their right mind

would buy a book for their child

called Ricky, the carnivorous pony.

Your stories are sick, Duane.

My stories are funny, char.

I don't find them funny.

And I don't find you funny.

Barbara: See, they think that their father

is away on a job, and--

Kelly: But what do they call you?

Auntie.

* well, my man

* he ain't man enough for me *

* no, my man

* ain't enough for a girl like me *

* well, he just don't know

* how to treat me right

* oh, I can't go through another lonely night *

* he comes home from work each evening *

* grabs a beer

* and watches TV

* I sweat and slave to make his frozen dinners *

* but he just sits and lets his supper be *

* oh, my man

* he ain't man enough for me *

* no, my man

* ain't enough for a girl like me *

* he just don't know

* how to treat me right

Ok, I'm ready down here.

Let's go!

All right, let 'er rip!

Go ahead, bubbles.

Are you sure about this?

Let her go!

I'm telling you, people will drive 35 miles

just to see a water-skiing elephant.

All right, hang on! Come on!

No, stop!

Oh, lord!

Woman: Oh, my stars, you're all wet!

I know that, honey.

Well, did bubbles get up?

Bubbles is not applying herself today.

Did you get them in Utah?

It's ringing. It's ringing.

Oh, let's get you dried off.

Woman: Morning, Mr. Calo.

Having a nice vacation, are you, miss barbutti?

It goes by too quickly.

Yes, it d-- hello!

Yes, I'd like to speak to Mr. Damon Clark,

right now if--

woman: Mr. Calo?

Yes, Mrs. Lewenowski?

There aren't any more reservations today.

Should I let some of the girls go?

No, no. Uh--

stand by your stations.

Someone'll show up.

Hello, this is safari parks, Utah?

Listen, son, are the lions

and the rhino on their way?

They're on the truck?

You sure now?

Good.

Say, tell me something, son.

We're gonna have to keep that rhino

in the garage for a couple of weeks.

Will that be ok?

Aw, shit.

Get him up the other way! Get him up the other--

get him--get him up to the other end!

Now don't be afraid of him!

* when you're out there on the road *

* and you feel you could explode *

* and you

* when you're out there on the road *

* and your truck's become your home *

you're holding back, you're feeling--dreams.

Dreams.

We're almost ready.

Mm-hmm.

Just a few more seconds, I think.

Mm-hmm.

He's very close to the ramp.

It's the damnedest thing.

He likes the snow.

Hey, tell me if you like this, ok?

* when you're out there on your own *

* doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo *

* and you're holding back your-- *

* doo, doo, doo, doo, doo *

you like that one?

Yeah, it's ok.

Uh, the words aren't too good.

Oh, these ain't the words.

I put the words in later.

Oh. Then it's very good.

I mean, for a song without words

written by a truck driver,

it's excellent.

Hey, I'm not a truck driver.

I'm a songwriter.

Uh, it's ok.

Man: Yee-hoo! Whoo!

Rhino's loaded!

The rhino's loaded?

* da, da, da

* the rhino's loaded

* the rhino's loaded

* and he's holdin'

* back his feelings

Keep on singin'!

* everybody's goin' faster, faster *

* everybody's goin' faster, faster *

* doo, doo, doo

Man on speaker: Oh, hey, Carmen!

Hey.

Man: Are you, uh, gonna

be at Oliver's tap again tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm on vacation.

Oh! Good for you!

Shoot, I wanted to take you out.

I got a new car.

This sure is a lot of money

you're pullin' out, Carmen.

300, 400, 500.

Hey, you ought to see the inside of my car.

It's all tufted in velour, you know.

Thousand, thousand five hundred,

two thousand five,

three thousand five hundred.

Well, that just about closes you out, Carmen.

You better be careful with all that.

Oh, I will.

Have a good vacation.

Man over speaker: Yes, may we help you?

Lolita Shelby, please.

The final remains of lolita Shelby

may be viewed in pass-through number three.

Hey, is that you, Danny Corbin?

Yes. Yes, it is. Who is this?

It's Carmen Odessa Shelby. Remember me?

Carmen Shelby? Sure.

I remember you and me

in the back seat of my car. We--

oh, I-I m sorry about your mama. Real sorry.

Um, where did you say she was again?

Pass-through number three.

Would you like to take your mama with you

or have her sent?

I'll take her.

* the road is like a river *

* and it keeps me movin' on *

* just another nameless driver *

* in a rollin marathon

* leave your worries all behind you *

* there's a better life ahead *

* and the highway gypsies follow *

* every word the highway says *

* it's a honky tonk freeway *

* it's america on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights *

* drive in, drive-out meals *

* and it's winding cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

hey, what time is it?

3:30.

You know, you're very cute.

Oh.

You're both very cute. Bye.

* it's a honky tonk freeway *

* it's paradise on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights *

* drive in, drive-out meals *

* and it's winding cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway *

* that's where I wanna be *

Woody.

Sherm, wait for me.

Carol.

Your nose is powdered, your lipstick's on,

your hair is combed. You look fine.

Come on. Let's have lunch.

Sherm, I'm not drunk.

Oh, god!

It's just a little accident.

It's just a little accident.

Do you have to booze it up, Carol?

A mixed drink is not booze, sherman.

It's a cocktail. A before-dinner drink.

But dinner isn't for 5 hours yet.

Ah, yes. But what you're forgetting, sherm,

is that time is relative.

To what, Carol? Life?

No, sherm. Need.

Time is relative to need. Einstein was wrong.

Terrific car. Look at that.

Hey, uh, and terrific stuff, too.

Let's take the car and the stuff.

Nope, that's wrong.

We're not gonna take their stuff.

What, are you crazy?

Nope.

Come on. Nope.

You've gotta be nuts.

Will you try it for a few weeks?

Sherm, I'm not an alcoholic.

Your mother was an alcoholic.

Where did she do her drinking?

Alone.

You see? Now, am I alone?

And did she hide her bottle in the rice krispies

and the laundry hamper and shoe box?

Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

Now, these are symptoms of the alcoholic.

Classic symptoms.

Do I have any of these symptoms?

No, you don't. Thank you.

Can I get you anything to drink?

I'll have 5 old-fashioneds.

Coke for me.

Do you realize, sherman, I have never purchased

a bottle of liquor in my life?

Oh, I know that.

So how could I be an alcoholic

if I've never purchased a bottle of liquor?

Carol, you're having

5 old-fashioneds for lunch.

That is an alcoholic.

I'm hungry. Besides, these are mixed drinks.

Do you know an alcoholic anywhere

who only drinks mixed drinks?

The other four will be here right away.

No hurry.

This place is so cute.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Didn't your ad agency name the swizzle stick, sherm?

No.

Weaver, O'Leary and mudge

named the swizzle stick in 1924.

You notice how I never suck my orange slice?

That's the sure sign of an alcoholic.

Just go to one meeting, Carol. Try it. Please.

No.

Someone is stealing our car, sherm.

What? You're already mumbling, Carol.

It's only 1:30, and you're mumbling.

Why would they steal the car and leave the luggage?

Just try it for a few weeks.

Well, it looks like our car.

Carol, if you pass out

with your head against the window

while I'm driving,

I'm just gonna pull over onto the shoulder.

I swear it.

It's too lonely driving like that.

Sherm, will you please look--

oh, look it here.

Honey, could you pour me another cup of coffee?

Caffeine.

Caffeine.

Isn't this beautiful?

Mm-hmm.

This is monument valley, kids.

Delia, little Billy, look at monument valley.

I'm a doctor, I know that--

kids, you know, this is where our forefathers

carved their way through the wilderness

all by themselves.

Mommy, I have to go potty.

Oh, crud. Euphemisms.

We're looking for a place.

We're gonna stop soon, pumpkin.

Mr. Kramer: We are not going to stop

until we are in new Mexico.

Little Billy, you can use

the r.V. Bathroom.

He does not like to use the bathroom in the r.V.

But hurry, mommy. I have to go tinkle.

Mrs. Kramer: He has to go tinkle.

Crud. Why can't you just call it what it is?

Delia.

Say, "I have to urinate."

Delia.

Say, "I have to piss."

Say, "I have to let go with the yellow flow."

Delia! Put that down.

Little Billy,

now, you can use the r.V. Bathroom.

It's got one. That's why we bought the n-25 unit.

Just go back there and use it like a man.

No!

He doesn't like the r.V. Bathroom.

He likes to pee in gas stations.

He's a freak!

It's just a phase.

Do you know how many root canals I did

to pay for this damn thing?

96.

I bought it so we could all be together.

So far, nobody's eaten in it,

nobody's slept in it,

so he can damn well pee in it!

You know something?

I've just about had it with all of you.

Next summer, they can go off

to summer camp, and you and i--

ok, ok. You can go where you wanna go,

and I will go somewhere else.

Kirby: Now, a number of you people

have been comin' up to me

and sayin' that this town is failing.

But I think god wants US to be successful.

Hallelujah!

All: Hallelujah!

Hallelujah for ticlaw!

All: Hallelujah for ticlaw!

But he's testing you.

Yes, he is. The lord said,

"what you give unto me,

I will return onto you tenfold."

Well, one of our brothers

sittin' right here amongst US

on his income tax only reported fivefold.

And the government didn't like that.

But he had faith, a loving wife

and a great accountant.

Praise god for our brother!

All: Praise god!

We are all, each and every one of US,

being tested.

Now, one of the loveliest creatures

in our congregation came to me and she said,

"reverend, I am hooked on valium."

Yes, she did!

"I cannot even go to the 7-Eleven store

without taking 3 valiums," she said.

"I am afraid--" she said,

"I am afraid that one night

"while I am serving dinner,

"I will trip and fall

"into the shag carpet and disappear,

never to come up again."

I said, "woman, you get up!"

And she did get up, found faith,

and she found god!

And she threw away her valium.

Yes, she did.

We are all being tested, each and every one of US.

The lord said to me,

"build a safari park in ticlaw."

Then they came along

and built their superhighway right next to US.

He didn't say nothin' about no exit.

But that is our test--

how to get them here with no exit.

So we're gonna try everything and anything,

and I mean anything,

and we are gonna rise up to this challenge.

Yes, we are.

We are gonna soar like eagles if we stick together.

If we stand up and sing together,

because we got faith!

* oh, ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful part of heaven *

* ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful town *

* oh, ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful part of heaven *

* ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful town *

man: Kirby, I think this is crazy, man.

Look, people are startin' to complain,

and I really feel that it's illegal.

This is not illegal. And we are desperate.

This is a resort town.

We gotta get our tourists here.

Yeah, but I'm the sheriff of this town, man.

I'm the mayor!

I'm the minister of the ticlaw baptist church.

I'm the president of the rotary of the elks,

and I have 2 lions and a rhinoceros

coming here.

And I warned you about that.

I told you that's a dumb idea, that safari park.

Don't be afraid to pour it on there, r.G.!

There are too many safari parks in Florida.

This place is startin' to look like Africa.

And the next thing you'll want me to do

is walk around with a spear

and a bone through my nose.

Well, now, that ain't a bad idea.

Oh, no.

Why don't you come out

and join US and help US and give US a hand?

No.

Do it for me as a favor.

Man, I don't know.

Well, then, do it for private enterprise.

Do it for the little guy, for Christ s sakes.

Sheriff: I don't know, Kirby.

Ok, all clear now! Come on! Let's go! Come on!

Woman: Come on, now, honey bubbles.

Take another donut, and pull.

Come on.

Pull!

That's it.

One more, now. All right.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Could I, uh--

excuse me, could I have more coffee, please?

Bitch.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Here.

This waitress--

hey, are you a--

No, you go on.

Oh, nothin'.

I was just gonna say

that these waitresses are impossible.

Yeah?

They don't care.

It's kinda late and all.

What's your name?

Duane Hansen.

I'm Carmen Odessa Shelby.

Are you a writer or somethin' or what?

No.

No, uh-- what do you do?

I'm a waitress.

You makin' fun of me now or what?

No.

I bet you're a good waitress.

What, um--

what's in that thing there?

Is that, uh, pebbles? Seashells?

What?

Actually, it's my mother.

What?

Well, she wanted to be cremated.

She was real dramatic and she said,

"when I'm gone, burn me up."

So, I did.

Hey, what's your name again?

Duane.

Mama, this is Duane.

Duane, this is my mama, lolita Shelby.

It's kind of hard to believe

there's a 250-pound woman in there

with dirty hair and a double chin,

now isn't it? Yeah.

It's kind of--

my mama wore wigs.

For the past 3 days,

I've been throwin' out wigs, wigs

and more wigs.

Anyway, uh, what do you do?

I repair copy machines.

That's difficult.

You can't get just anybody to do that.

You got a skill.

You wouldn't wanna go have a drink

or something?

A drink or something?

Yeah.

Well, gosh.

I don't know, it's-it's late.

Yeah, it's late.

So what?

Do you--do you live alone or what?

No, I live with my--

i--

I'm sorry about your mother.

Yeah.

We were friends.

She was a waitress, too.

And we were gonna go on vacation together.

So that's why I say you just gotta live day by day.

And the future?

I talk too much. Nobody wants to hear it.

Everybody thinks I'm crazy.

Well, we're all crazy. Right?

So hey, what's your sign?

* look at those women look at those men *

* throwin' their lives away *

* hopin' lady luck will get them down *

* this honky tonky freeway

* and there's, there's a rhino loose *

* ooh, she loves that juice *

* she hits the nearest bar then waves to every car *

* she's got nothin' else to do *

* everybody's goin' faster faster *

* everybody's goin' faster faster *

Oh, it's kinking up on me again.

Ooh!

I know what's wrong with you.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

You don't know. You don't.

I do know. I do.

Honey, would you just relax?

I'm relaxed.

Are we there yet?

Almost, sweetheart.

When will we be there?

Soon.

Little Billy.

What?

Freak!

I'm gonna try it again.

I can't stand this. I can't stand it.

They can take away my job,

they can take away our house

and make US live in a condominium

with a bunch of old farts,

but they cannot take away my car!

Give me back my car, you bastards!

Give me back-- give me back my car!

Stop it, sherman. Get back in this car.

Get control of your life!

I have never seen you like this.

I liked that car.

It was my prize.

I know. It was an honor.

Best ad man-- 1956, 57, 58.

1954, 55, 56, Carol.

Will you get my career straight

just for once?

Where's the tow truck?

It's not coming.

They're not gonna even let US die

in Florida playing shuffleboard.

It's gonna be right here, tonight, Carol.

Don't be morbid. The truck will come.

I can see my New York times obituary right now.

"Sherman schaffler

"sneezed himself to death in a rented car

by the side of the road with his alcoholic wife."

Oh, I-I m sorry.

I didn t mean that.

I know.

Well...

I'm going to walk

to the nearest gas station.

I'll go with you.

We're in this together.

* years from now

* I'll want you

* years from now

* and I'll love you

* years from now

* as I love you tonight

hi. What seems to be the problem?

The damn thing won't start.

That's the problem.

The damned thing won't start.

You got gasoline in it?

Of course there's gas in it.

It just won't start.

* always my one

* true friend

* and I'll love you

* till life's end

* as I love you tonight

well, that'll be $45.

* I know this world that we live in *

20.

40. 45. Son of a bitch.

Have a good day.

Slide through, Carol.

* still, love has kept US together *

would you like to go for a cocktail?

Oh, well, if you want one.

Would you believe it? Husbands send in

naked pictures of their wives

with little comments for $50.

Who would do a thing like that? Huh?

Why do you sneeze every time you look at a naked woman?

I got a cold.

A cold, huh?

Are you sure it's not an allergy?

Listen to this.

"Annie Jo Wheeler. A social worker.

"Into needlepoint, stock cars,

charity work and group sex."

Who the hell are these people?

You know, I think you sneeze every time you get excited.

Don't be silly.

Huh?

What are you doin'?

I'm givin' this kid a ride.

Why?

It's cold, it's wet. He's a kid.

He could be a cop.

He's gonna have to sit next to our money.

So, you're a student?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am. Yeah.

What's so funny about that?

I see nothing funny in that question.

Nothing. I'm sorry.

Like, I'm wrecked, you know?

Man, I can't hitch on these freeways

unless I'm just completely wrecked.

You know what I mean, man.

Sure.

A lot of these weirdoes pick you up.

And vicey-versy.

Yeah.

So what do you guys got in the bag here, huh?

Money?

You're brilliant. You know that?

Hitchhiker: Hey, you guys cool?

Relatively.

* drivin' on cocaine

* it makes the road go faster *

* it makes everything

* seem very, very clear

hey, you guys want to pull over

to the side of the road somewhere

and do a little cocaine?

I don't think so.

Eugene, would you like to snort some coke

by the side of the road?

Eugene?

I'm fine for now, thanks.

Yep.

I'm goin' down to the super bowl.

I'm gonna sell cocaine.

Workin' my way through college sellin' dope.

That's very industrious.

Shut up and slow down.

Wow.

Man, I love--

I-I love these green signs, man.

You can be anyplace.

Oregon, Illinois, Michigan,

new Mexico, New Jersey, New York--

yes, yes, yes. We get the idea. Anywhere.

New Amsterdam, new england, New Delhi.

New Orleans.

You're certainly in a nasty humor.

Shut up and slow down.

Woman over P.A.: Paging Mr. Samuels.

Paging Mr. David Samuels.

Could you please pick up a purple courtesy phone?

Man: Pretty, huh?

She's gorgeous.

Yeah. I'm her manager.

What kind of manager?

Personal manager. Oh, yeah?

You wanna get lucky?

Yeah.

Just wait here.

Woman on P.A.: Paging Mr. David Samuels.

Could you please pick up a courtesy phone?

Come on, guys!

We're all goin' up to Wally s room!

What room's he in?

307!

I have a reservation. I have a reservation.

Ma'am, our computer shows no record of that.

And we are booked up, so we have no room for you.

I am sorry.

You have no room for US?

I cannot believe this is happening!

I cannot believe this is happening to US.

Well, it happened to Joseph and Mary,

and that turned out ok.

Wait, wait. What is your last name?

I have no last name.

Just for the computer, what is your last name?

Christ.

Excuse me?

Well, technically,

since we're all brides of Christ, our last--

sorry.

Well, I have a Claire, a Clinton,

a clarise--

oh, that's me. That's me. Sister clarise.

Well, ma'am, it simply says "m. Clarise."

It does not say "sister clarise."

Yes, well, that's me.

Do you have a driver's license?

She doesn't drive.

We've had a lot of people

stealin' television sets, ladies,

so we're crackin' down security-wise.

Do you have a major credit card?

We are nuns!

Look, honey, I don't care what you are.

I have a corporation breathing down my back.

We don't have credit cards.

We'll pay in cash.

That causes a lot

of problems for me, but all right.

All right. You'll be in room 219.

That's in the purple cluster.

Here's your computer cards.

You'll use these instead of keys.

Kevin!

Kevin will show you to the purple cluster.

Have a nice day.

Hi, I'm Kevin.

I'll be showin' you to your room.

God bless you.

* always losin' my money

* I suppose you'll think-- *

sister Clarice: Sister!

Uh, coming, sister.

Are you ready, girls? Let's run for it.

Is this the only way to get there?

Yes, ma'am.

Kirby: Listen, I'm tellin' ya, they're gonna come back.

They're gonna get off down there at the next exit

and they're gonna come all the way back to here.

Kirby, if these signs are illegal--

it doesn't matter.

This'll be a beautiful day for ticlaw.

Oh, look, they're slowin' down.

Look!

I think the signs are gonna work.

* ticlaw

* ticlaw

Duane: Oh, Carmen.

All my life, I've been waiting for someone like you.

I'm overweight.

Mmm. I don't care.

Did you know that Jupiter

is the largest planet in our solar system?

Look.

I always sit in this booth.

It's the same no matter what state you're in

or what city.

This booth remains the same.

The international house of pancakes

is the one consistent thing in my life.

Man: Try 2375.

Second man: Son of a bitch.

Try 9164.

Stupid technology! I don't believe it!

Here, here, let me try.

At least we got the trunk.

Mmm. Yeah. Let's take the Chevy.

All right.

Carmen, I'll go with you.

I'll help you spread your mother

around Miami beach. How's that?

Oh, I don't know, Duane.

See, that's what I mean about my mama.

She just loved messin' up everybody's life.

Now if I sprinkle her around down there on that beach,

a big wind'll come up

and blow her all over those people.

You know they got suntan oil on them,

and they gotta wash my mama off of 'em.

Someone they never even knew. See?

She'll be affecting them, and they ll never even know.

Waitress: Strawberry--

I love you.

Oh, Duane.

You don't even know me.

I've slept with over 300 men.

Everyone has their faults.

300 men in paducah, Kentucky?

Duane, it wasn't easy.

It's an accomplishment.

No, Duane.

It's a problem. It's a real problem.

I'm like Ricky, the carnivorous pony

in respect to men.

I love you,

I need you, and I want to make you happy.

That's all.

Oh. I don't know if that's what

I really want out of life.

Woman: Oh, boy, Eddie,

you really picked a winner for me last night.

Man: Why? What?

You really did.

This guy gets me into his room

and opens up his briefcase and pulls out a dog collar.

I knew I was in trouble.

I mean, then he has me sitting in the corner

on a newspaper, barking.

And then he goes over to the sofa

and he slaps his thigh twice, and he goes--

I can't believe you took mastercharge.

I don't know how I'm gonna collect that.

So then I go over to the sofa and I sit down,

and he slaps me across the face,

and he knocks me down on the floor,

and he goes, "bad dog.

"You know you're not supposed

to be up on the sofa, you bad dog."

It's not funny, Eddie.

Ok.

I was ready to call the a.S.P.C.A. On the guy.

I'm not doing the doggie bit ever again.

Now, come on.

It's a lot better than that-that Nazi bit

you did in Vegas.

So what's a little barking?

You know, I could've taken along

any of the other girls.

And they're a lot less trouble than you.

But who did I take?

I took you, because I want you with me.

You weren't even in the room when I got back.

I'm right here.

I'm not doing this anymore, Eddie.

No, you're gonna do what I tell you,

or you're gonna end up back in that supermarket

where I found you.

What's this?

Don't you have anything smaller?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

* diamond trinkets that you buy me *

* will not ever satisfy me *

* long, black limos

* don't impress me at all

* diamond trinkets...

This'll only take a minute.

You got 5 shirts already.

* crying while the champagne's flowing *

* seems happiness is the one thing... *

* we can afford

they're both very nice,

but I'm not sure. I'll come back later.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

* dad would have died if he'd have seen US *

* just one room

* with a creaky wooden floor *

can I help you?

* I used to save dimes in a jar *

uh, just looking.

* I used to sing and play guitar *

honest.

* ...We're leaving any more *

* diamond trinkets

* are part of growing

* you're crying while the champagne's flowing *

* seems happiness is the one thing *

* we can afford

* when love was all--

how does this look?

Could I help you?

Eugene: Beautiful.

Does it make my ass look big?

No, your ass looks fine.

* oh, nights like this a gal sure misses *

* hot dogs and mustard

* flavored kisses

* I'm not sure I need

* a sparkling stone

* cause I'm talkin' about

* diamond trinkets that you buy me *

* will not ever satisfy me *

hey, howdy, Kirby. Nice going.

All right!

Attaboy, Kirby. Attaboy.

Kirby: What do you say, benjy, boy?

Hey, Emmett, look! A pink town!

Keep it movin'.

Free gas on your left.

Ticlaw inn and safari park straight ahead.

Now keep it moving there, lady.

Oh, my god.

Free gas. Plenty of free gas right here on your left.

Thank you. Keep moving. Free gas on your left.

Free restaurants. Free parking and gasoline.

Come and get your free gasoline.

Jesus. We gotta stop that.

This time it's gonna work.

I don't think she likes this.

Don't worry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are about to see a first.

Kirby! Kirby!

Mr. Kirk, you got here just in time.

You can have a chorus line of water-skiing elephants,

but you can't take the law into your own hands.

Now? In just a sec.

Those billboards have got to come down.

They're illegal.

The oil companies won't tolerate you

giving away free gasoline.

Well, you can stick the oil companies

where the sun don't shine.

You'll pay for this.

We already have.

And I think you can go now.

Go! Now!

Kirby: Damn!

Damn!

Kirby, you're gonna be killed!

What's the matter with you?

This thing!

This thing is gonna drive US

off the face of the earth.

Honey, we'll figure a way.

We always have!

I must be crazy

to have pinned our future on a pink town,

a half-assed safari park and a damn bitch elephant

who can't even water ski.

What you are is drunk

and about to be splattered all over the freeway.

Now, come on.

If she'd get up just once, they'd come.

Hell, I would. I'm dying of curiosity.

Oh, honey.

You'll do it.

You'll do it.

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* everybody's going faster-- *

who gets the hamburgers, who gets the fries?

The lion gets the burgers, the rhino gets the fries.

This'll only take a minute.

Hey, I'm in no hurry.

They'll eat this stuff?

They ain't got much of a choice, do they?

Hey! Whoa! Wh-whoa!

Do I look ok?

You look fine.

Does my ass look big?

Your ass looks small.

Do I smell good?

You smell fine. What is it with you?

These are hookers, not debutantes.

Hey, could I ask one thing?

Could we both try to finish our endeavors

at roughly the same time?

So I don't have to wait around

like last time, huh?

Absolutely.

I just don't want to be kept waiting, ok?

Woman on TV: While your pig is marinating,

prepare a glorious stuffing,

using one fresh, diced pineapple,

one ounce guava paste,

one pound of chopped macadamia nuts,

3 large onions, chopped,

one pound of diced ham,

3 ounces coconut cream--

And 20 kumquats.

Mix all of these ingredients together

in a large mixing bowl, and reserve.

Hi! I'm sorry about last night.

It'll never happen again.

I promise. Please forgive me.

You kept me waiting all night long.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Please, please forgive me.

Pretty please.

All right. You're forgiven.

Ok.

Just let me tell you about the last one.

Ohh.

The last one was the best.

Look, it's not that

I have anything against hookers.

I just like a nice, clean virgin,

that's all.

Clarise: Will you hurry? What are you doing in there?

Coming, sister.

Are you all right?

Yes, sister.

Man on radio: So don't miss it.

Visit Eli's hardware this week only.

Super sale of super power tools at Eli's.

And when you go in,

be sure and tell them Toby neumeier sent you.

Speaking of bargains,

ferns on the highway, Carlyle's favorite eatery,

offers egg dishes cooked the way you like 'em.

Sister, are you all right in there?

Yes, sister.

Well, hurry up, then.

All ready.

I'm going to have to tell

the new mother superior about you.

I'm tired of your nonsense.

Where's the car?

It's right--

well, where?

Shit.

It appears, sister, that you've lost our car.

I didn't lose the car. I put it right there.

You put our luggage right there.

Did you leave the keys in the car?

Uh, no. They're here somewhere.

Oh, this damn robe.

What did you say?

Oh, uh, my vestments.

I haven't gotten used to my vestments yet.

It's habits, habits.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You really are hopeless.

Will you pick up your suitcase?

We're going to walk.

Walk? Yes.

To Miami beach? Yes.

Maybe we'll get a ride.

Kirby: God said,

"I will provide for you in abundance."

Well, we need an exit, and I'm here to tell you

that everything is possible for the righteous.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

The israelites--

they had their backs up against the red sea

with the Egyptians coming directly at 'em.

Did they give up? No, they had faith in god.

And he parted the red sea,

and the israelites had their exit.

And we're gonna get ours, no matter what we have to do.

And we're gonna have people here. We will.

When we get 'em here, what are we gonna show 'em?

We're gonna show 'em a real good time.

Now, let me hear you say it.

We're gonna show 'em a real good time.

A real good time!

A real good time!

A real good time!

* the highway stretches out *

* just like a snake across the land *

* it tells a simple story everyone can understand *

look at the water! It's so blue!

Oh, this is it!

Mama, mama! We made it, mama!

* there's a better life ahead *

* and the highway gypsies follow *

* every word the highway says *

* the road is like a river *

* and it keeps me movin' on *

Carol, fasten your seat belt.

* just another nameless driver *

* in a world we never thought *

* drinkin' hot, black coffee *

* as my car drinks gasoline *

* and headed for tomorrow

* and somewhere I've never seen *

* it's a honky tonk freeway

* it's paradise on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights *

* drive-in, drive-out meals *

* and it's windin' cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway *

* that's where I wanna be

Come on.

Hey, sister!

* it's a honky tonk freeway

* it's paradise on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights *

* drive-in, drive-out meals *

* and it's windin' cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway

* that's where I wanna be

"And little Mary reached out her hand,

"and Ricky went whee, whee!

And kissed--"

we're building a new dispensary for our children,

and what we're asking everybody to donate is $10.

Sounds like a good idea. I could write you a check.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Hey, you got something on your nose.

How much is this?

Miss?

That ain't my station.

Will-will you try to find some--

madam. Madam, could--

It's well done.

Grace, would you go back to your station?

I'm comin'.

I'm comin'.

What for you?

I know what I want.

What?

Uh, clams casino and you, baby.

Can I take your order?

Yeah. You can take my order.

I'd like to start with the lobster bisque.

Eddie: Grace.

You're kind of lonely, aren't you?

Eddie, please.

Kinda.

I can cure that.

Hey, I'm in love with a guy.

Oh, well, of course you are.

But does he make you happy?

Here's my question--

are you unhappy in your present job?

You sound like a commercial

on television at 2:00 A.M.

You know, she's right, Eddie. You do, sort of.

Yes, of course she's right.

But you see, what I'm selling they don't offer on TV.

I'm not talking about a truck driver's course

or some sort of slicer-dicer in the kitchen, grace.

Oh, yeah? Well, what are you talking about?

Grace, what I'm selling--

and this is a one-time offer--

is the opportunity for you to get out of here

and make some real money.

You ever been to New York?

No.

Think about it, grace.

When you deliver that next fishburger,

ask yourself,

"is this what I want out of life?"

And then consider my offer,

because this offer expires with dessert.

Well, I think I better get back to my station.

I'm sitting up front, Eddie.

I'm sitting up front.

Ok, then. Who gets the crabs?

Honey, we all do sooner or later.

Cheeseburgers.

All right, we got a filet of sole here.

Man: Filet of sole's across there.

Hi.

Well, hi.

Greetings and salutations.

Couldn't help but notice you looking at me

from across the room over there.

What sign are you? Libra.

I was wondering if maybe you could possibly

help me out with a ride,

perchance.

Hi.

Hi.

Duane: Am I interrupting something?

No, no.

Yeah, I'm spanky.

Spanky is the name, and cocaine is the game.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

I was, um, just talking

to your pretty little wife here.

Who is this guy?

He's a libra.

He says he needs a ride, Duane.

You didn't offer him one?

No.

Is he bothering you?

No, he's ok.

He doesn't look ok to me.

Hey, what is this?

Hey, something new?

That's my mother!

You're shitting me.

I'm sorry.

Miss!

You are not the only person in the world, you know.

Hey, look who's here, Eugene.

Thanks, gene. Eugene.

I don't know what this country's coming to

when they'll steal a nun's car.

Well, it's been a very nerve-racking experience.

I'm afraid sister Mary Magdalen

doesn't drive well.

I drive fine.

You look like a penguin.

I don't look like a penguin.

You look like a crow.

Delia.

You'll have to forgive little Delia.

Well, I don't look like a penguin

and I don't look like a crow.

You look like Dracula s sister.

Delia.

And you do not know how to drive a car

but I don't look like a penguin or a crow.

I don't know if I like being a nun.

I need to talk to you, sister.

I can't.

Where's the food?

I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do.

I do, baby. I do, I do.

Here. Now, grace, grace.

You want to come with US?

I'm so upset.

We're going to Miami beach.

* I'm sittin' up front *

* na na na na na

* I'm sittin' up front I'm sittin' up front *

"once upon a time in a faraway land,

"there was this pony, and his name was Ricky.

All: "Licky!"

Mm-hmm.

"He was the most beautiful pony,

"but none of the children could ride him

"no matter how hard they tried.

"Because when a child

"reached his hand up to Ricky--

"Munch, munch, went Ricky s powerful,

"flat, yellow teeth.

"And crunch! And off came the little boy's fingers.

"And whee! The blood ran across

his blue lips."

Whee!

What do you say, Earl?

All clear now!

Nice night for it, Kirby.

Kirby: It's a sign, boy.

Well, this has got to go.

All right.

* tomorrow night

* you'll have another sweetheart *

* tomorrow night

* you just don't know

* how to treat me right

* oh, I can't go through

* another lonely night

hold it. Truck coming.

Hit the lights. Hit the lights!

Lights on. Come on. Ok, but work quietly.

* and called it macaroni yankee doodle, keep it up *

* yankee doodle dandy

Ok, that's good.

All right.

Check the road.

It's a beauty. It's a beauty.

Tell 'em it's all clear!

All clear!

Kirby, I don't think we should do this.

We could all be killed.

It's just a little bit of dynamite, honey.

We're just gonna make a little bitty hole.

Now, don't you worry. Fifteen, fourteen,

thirteen, twelve, eleven,

ten, nine, eight--

Ten, nine, eight--

please, we've never done--

could you show a little confidence

in my ability to handle this situation!

Ten, nine,

eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two,

one.

Oh, thank god.

What happened?

Nothing happened, obviously.

Aah! Oh, my god!

Holy shit!

* ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful part of heaven *

* ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful town *

Ok, folks, just slow it down.

We had a little accident here.

Just follow the smiling faces

right down to ticlaw.

What's the problem, pal? We got to get to Miami.

You'll be in Miami

first thing in the morning.

Just keep right on going.

Welcome to ticlaw.

Welcome to ticlaw.

Welcome to the ticlaw inn, everybody.

Come on, James. Bring 'em in here.

You're doing a fine job. Welcome.

It's very good to see you.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you. Welcome, welcome.

All right.

An hour ago, I was on my way to Miami,

and then this happened.

I don't want to stay here.

Oh, come on.

This place is great.

Eddie: She finds you very attractive.

Brandon: Do you know her?

Oh, yeah. She's my sister.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. She's my stepsister.

Oh!

Hello. My name's casual.

It's awfully noisy in here.

Why don't you go up to your room?

Just take him upstairs.

You don't like dogs, do you?

No, actually, I'm a cat man, myself.

Whoo! Watch it, baby!

* always drinking my Brandy *

* everything is dandy

* cause i'm

* about as crazy as you

see that girl over there? The one in white?

Osvaldo: Oh, yeah. She's very pretty.

Oh, she likes you.

She likes me?

You see, I'm her doctor. Psychiatrist.

She's crazy?

You'd be helping her.

In 5 minutes, go over and talk to her.

Sherman: You've gotta have a phrase--"ticlaw ticks."

Kirby: "Ticlaw ticks."

Sherm: Or, uh, "time in ticlaw tantalizes."

And show a picture of a pretty girl.

See, it's the association

of ideas that counts.

Sell ticlaw as a sort

of sexual oasis.

"Our time in ticlaw was torrid."

Your husband certainly knows his advertising.

Does he ever.

My sherm invented bad breath.

Your husband invented bad breath?

He fought for bad breath for years and years,

and finally he got it.

Carol. You did one brilliant thing, though,

and that was to give everything

away for free.

You see, he invented this test

where you put your hand in front of your mouth

and you blow.

Now, what you're smelling is not your breath.

What you're smelling is your fingers.

Shut up, Carol.

Thank you very much.

Good--good evening.

Is your room upstairs?

But of course.

Whoo-hoo!

All right!

All right!

We ain't seen nothin' like this in years.

You gonna love it here.

Well, wasn't part of the plan,

but it's a nice little place, huh?

Hotels like this are part of our heritage.

Yeah.

Honey--

look, uh, how about tonight?

Tonight? What about last night?

Tonight, too.

Look, I am on vacation.

Hey, Carmen, what's your favorite color?

I think the living room should be done in beige.

I kind of like red.

Well, then, reddish beige.

How about the bedroom? What do you say?

Whoa, Duane. I think we ought

to get to know each other

a little better

before we start looking at paint chips.

I mean, did it ever occur to you

that this relationship might not work out?

No.

Well, my heart starts to pound

if I get within 50 miles of an army base.

Trouble with you is

you don't know a sure thing when you see one.

Oh, mama!

* oh, Carmen

* I love you so

* Carmen, Carmen, Carmen I love you, love you *

Carmen?

Hmm.

Carmen: Ooh!

Carmen?

Huh.

Come along. Come along.

Zoo.

Zoo.

Right over here, we have our lion.

Oh! Oh!

Can you say "lion"?

Children: Lion.

And next, over here,

we have our elephant.

All: Elephant.

Bubbles.

Did you know that bubbles can water ski?

Here we have our pony.

If you like, you can reach up and pet her.

No licky!

No licky! No! No licky!

No licky!

Come back!

How do. Ticlaw inn.

I'm sorry, we're all booked up.

Oh, yes.

One moment.

Kirby!

It's the governor.

Tell him I'll take it in the office.

Uh, Mr. Calo will be right with you.

Hello, your honor.

Is this Kirby calo?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Calo, what do you intend

doing with your hostages?

Hostages?

We don't intend doing anything with them.

We got no real use for 'em.

What was that? What was that noise?

Well, that's just the game room, sir.

Game room? He's got 'em locked up in a game room.

Well, we would like to talk to you.

Sure. We'd love to meet.

Remember attica?

Never give in to demands. Don't meet with them.

Shut the fuck up.

Uh, where did you want to meet?

How about right down the center of ticlaw?

You'll find it.

It's the town with no exit.

We'll do just that.

If we ever

get this thing worked out properly,

I will see to it that you work in the post office

for the rest of your natural life!

Hi, little Billy. Have you seen your daddy?

No. You haven't?

No.

I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya!

Boy, was that ever worth it. Thank you.

Good. Come again.

I gotta go change my shirt.

Ok? Ok.

Hi.

Hi. Haven't we met somewhere before?

I don't think it was my station.

'Cause I'm your mother. You do what I tell you.

No, you're not gonna play anymore. No.

Billy: I'm gonna go and play with the gun.

Bye.

Bye.

So, uh, how would you like

to go up to the room

and, uh, just be alone together?

You and I?

Well, I'm a little tired right now, honey.

Hungry, too. Hungry.

Hungry?

* you dance so good

* so maybe we should

* do it again

* do it again, again *

* you do the things that you do *

* come on

* come on

Whoa!

Get down, sister!

You must come with me immediately.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Absolute disgrace!

I was only dancing.

When are you going to learn

that you are a bride of Christ?

If Jesus is such a good husband,

why won't he let me dance a little?

Carmen!

Come with me.

Kneel.

Ow!

Up. Down.

Carmen?

Carmen?

Up. Down.

Up. Down. Up.

Pardon me.

Governor: Where is he?

I don't see anybody.

Or anything.

It's eerie.

It's a trap.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Stop the car.

Answer it.

It's not for me. No one knows I'm here.

Answer the phone!

Hello? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

They said, get out of the cars

and meet them

in the middle of the street.

It's a pleasure to meet you, your honor.

What do you want?

Well, we want what we always wanted from the beginning--

an exit for ticlaw.

Well, taking hostages

is not the way to go about it.

Well, we tried bribery,

but that didn't work. Right, Mr. Kirk?

You still got the ten thou?

It's around somewhere.

This is worse than Watergate.

Shut up.

We will never give in to your demands, ever.

You cannot force US--

What in the world are you doing

to those poor tourists?

Oh, we're just showing them a real good time.

Oh. And if I don't give in?

I understand you're running for reelection, governor.

Sir, I cannot participate

in a cover-up.

I point to Watergate--

shut up. Shut...Up.

Ok. Have you got it, Mr. Kirk?

Yeah.

You know, it's a terrible thing

when you pay for something and you don't get it.

Makes you wonder who you can trust.

Me. You can trust me.

I deliver.

That was my campaign slogan-- "I deliver."

Gentlemen, I think Mr. Calo

deserves an exit.

Ohh!

Oh-ho!

Go on, take it.

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* they don't give a damn they don't understand *

* going faster, faster

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* they don't give a damn slam, bam *

* thank you, ma'am

hey, isn't that sister Mary Magdalen?

Yes.

Where's she going?

To hell, I'm afraid.

* thank you, ma'am

* when you're out there on the road *

* and you're feeling good and slow *

* 'cause you're holding back your feelings every mile *

* and the world you're living in *

* don't make no sense don't make you grin *

* it's even hard to try to smile *

* and the faces that you see *

* they don't relate to you or me *

* I swear, I really disagree *

* what nature meant for me to be *

* I find it much too tough

* this road is getting much too rough *

* I say enough is enough is enough *

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* they don't give a damn or understand *

* going faster, faster

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* everybody's going faster, faster *

* ooh, they don't give a damn slam, bam *

* thank you, ma'am

* oh, thank you, ma'am

* oh, no, no, no

* no

* slam, bam no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Man: Wow! How did this happen, anyway?

Second man: Did anybody see this?

I saw the whole thing through my rearview mirror.

Whoa!

A lion!

Aah! Ow! Aah!

Hey, want to go to Miami?

* the highway stretches out-- *

oh, no!

* it tells a simple story everyone can understand *

* it's just a concrete river *

* reaching toward the sea

Billy, please, it's not funny!

Come on, mom, please.

Help me. Somebody, please!

* it's like home sweet home to me *

* it's a honky tonk freeway

* it's america on wheels

* motel rooms, neon lights *

* drive-in, drive-out meals *

* and it's windin' cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway *

I'm sittin up front!

* that's where I wanna be *

* that's where I wanna be *

* well, it's a honky tonk freeway *

* it's paradise on wheels

it's a miracle!

* hotel rooms, neon lights *

my money, my money!

* drive-in, drive-out meals *

* well, it's windin cross the country *

* just as far as you can see *

* on the honky tonk freeway *

* that's where I wanna be

All right! All right! Whoo!

* wonderful, beautiful part of heaven *

* ticlaw

* ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful part of heaven *

* ticlaw, ticlaw

* wonderful, beautiful town *

captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment

captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--