Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --

[LINDA] Look at us, going to a birthday party as a family.

Nothing cooler than partying with your parents.

Damn straight. See? They even let us say damn.

Uh-huh. Don't say damn.

So, I sort of see how me,

Gene and Tina got invited to Rudy's Dad's

birthday party, 'cause we're Rudy's friends,

but, uh, Mom and Dad, what's going on there?

Well, we saw him at the parent-teacher conference thing

- and... - He guilt invited us.

- We were guilt invited. - Yeah.

Oh, sorry to be "on his phone" guy.

Just shooting off a quick email.

Ooh, email. Who are ya emailing?

Oh. A bowling alley.

- That's fun. - Yeah. Just planning a bowling party.

Uh, R-Rudy's party?

No. Mine. It's a little thing I do for my birthday every year.

Aw, I love bowling.

Oh. Uh, do you want to...

- come to the party? - Oh, you-you don't have to...

- No. - Yeah! Yes.

Well, I just hope Rudy has a good time.

He's up to his butt in divorced parent dating drama

and he deserves to have fun tonight.

By the way, have we made you guys sign paperwork

saying you won't get divorced?

No? I'll have Ken draw it up.

He did my estate papers.

Eh, I like our odds.

I love your dad as much as I did

the first time I told him I loved him.

Remember that, Bob?

You remember when I first said I love you?

- Y-Y-Yes. - Remember where we were?

- I do. - Huh?

Where, w-where were you guys, Dad?

Um...

Maybe he remembers, but he's getting

choked up thinking about it?

We were, um...

- uh... - No, he forgot.

Oh, it's okay you forgot.

Your brain is just full of burger toppings.

Uh, I'm-I'm gonna remember.

It's... um...

Do you remember when I farted

and it sounded like someone saying, "Wazzup"?

- Yes. - So you can remember that?

Well, that was right when we got in the car.

- Yeah. - Yeah, so that's more recent.

[GENE] Just wanted to make sure everyone caught that.

- Pretty special. - [BOB] Certainly was.

[BOB] Oh, was it... outdoors?

The place where you first said "I love you," or indoors?

[LINDA] Bob, don't worry about it.

- Hey, Rudy. - Uh, hey, guys.

Thanks for coming. It was surprisingly hard

to get kids our age excited about a 44-year-old man's

- birthday party. - I don't know why.

We love people talking about podcasts and back pain.

You guys want to get some slushees?

It's all-you-can-drink slushees.

My dad's treat.

- Whoa. - Nice. - All I can drink?

'Cause that's probably different from all you can drink.

Oh, I'm getting a brain freeze just thinking about it.

Mom, Dad, smell you later, bye.

Smell y... Yeah. Yeah.

[ALL SLURPING]

Ah, who doesn't love a free slushee?

Maybe that lady?

[GROANS]

[GENE] If it was socially acceptable

to lick that off the floor, I would.

- It isn't, is it? - Uh, Rudy?

Everything okay?

You're looking very un-slushee.

Yeah, sorry.

It's my mom's boyfriend, Paul.

Look at him.

Smiling. Listening to people talk.

Making eye contact.

What's up with that?

[GROANING] Hate that.

[RUDY] I'm just worried about my dad. He's fragile.

Especially since he and Vicky broke up.

Oh, no. Who broke up with who?

Well, it was pretty mutual.

He sent her a text saying, "We need to talk."

And she wrote back "Break up," question mark.

Then she gave her own text a thumbs-up

- and, you know, that was that. - Damn.

So what I'm hearing is your dad's a free man again.

He's back on the market.

Yeah. He's selling "hot dad" by the pound.

It's just Dad's like a delicate caterpillar.

Waiting to become a big, strong beautiful butterfly.

But that's not gonna happen

if Mr. Nice-All-The-Time Paul comes over

and steps on Dad's sweet little cocoon.

And how is Paul stepping on your dad's cocoon?

Seriously, Tina? Look at him!

I just... It... it doesn't feel good. It's-it's just not good!

Rudy, Rudy, just breathe.

- I'm bad at that! - Oh, right.

I just want tonight to be the bowling party of his dreams

and the perfect 44th birthday.

- Okay. Done. - What?

Done. It shall be so.

Just leave it to me and Gene

and also Tina.

- Okay. - Another round, please, sir.

And don't skimp on the cheer-up syrup.

Men's size 11 and a ladies' size 9 and a half.

Wow, these are cute. Look at these, Bob.

I mean, they're bowling shoes, but sure?

I would wear these, like, in the world.

- Really? - It's hard to find cute shoes.

- You know. - Oh, I do know.

- Oh, hey. You guys made it. - Yeah, hi.

Happy birthday!

- Great shoes. Aren't they nice? - Uh, yes.

We were just waiting for our lane assignment.

I-I guess it's pretty busy.

Oh. Uh, do you want to bowl in our lane?

No, I wasn't... I was not saying that at all.

Sure! Right, Bob?

- Uh, yeah. - Yeah!

Okay. I'll-I'll just tell the guy

at the counter to, uh, add you. Heh.

- Yay, fun! - Oh, my God, we did it again.

Oh, I love these shoes.

Pu... I'm putting them on.

Ooh, they've got my size right on the back.

That's fun.

So our job tonight is

to make your dad look good.

Set him up for success, help him shine.

And if Paul looks like a pathetic dork

by comparison, that's fine, too.

So what are your dad's strengths?

Well, the man knows how to rock a pant pleat.

I've noticed. You could cut a finger on those bad boys.

He's also a pretty good bowler.

They don't call him "Spare-ta-cus" for nothing.

And by "they," I mean "me."

Great, okay, well, we can work with that.

[RUDY] But Paul is Paul.

He's probably great at bowling. He's good at everything.

I once saw a valet throw him his keys

from, like, six feet away and Paul caught it

- like it was nothing. - [TINA] Whoa.

- [RUDY] Right? - I mean, Paul doesn't seem that athletic

and naturally strong, but also gentle.

I don't feel like giving him a trophy

just for the cool way he's standing.

[GROANS] I just wish my dad was still with Vicky.

She was, you know, whatever the opposite of fun is,

but at least he wouldn't be single while mom was

hugging it up with Paul over there.

Okay, all right, all right.

Listen. We've got the bowling thing.

We've got the dating thing. Maybe we...

just get him a girlfriend that's good at bowling?

You can get a girlfriend in one night, right?

- Uh... - Rudy, any prospects here

right now, by any chance?

I mean, there's that lady over there, Cherie,

from his Indian cooking class. They're both allergic to cumin.

And I guess they really bonded over how dumb it is

for people with a cumin allergy to take that class.

- Aw. - Also I wish I could have plucked

my dad's one crazy eyebrow hair.

I mean, it really would've helped his chances.

Oh, yeah. I can see it from here.

Yeah, it's a beast.

Is it possible it's moving around on its own?

Rudy, come on, our lane's ready.

Oh, and kids, your parents are bowling with us.

Lucky you. Heh. Seriously, though, they're a fun couple.

Uh, them, plus your mom and Paul, that makes six.

Did you say Mom and Paul?

Uh, yeah. There they are. Hey!

- Hey. - See ya soon, bowling buddies. Heh.

Oh, boy. That's it.

Dad and Good-At-Everything Paul are bowling against each other.

Paul will crush him.

Worst-case scenario.

Dad's cocoon getting stomped.

- Caterpillar guts everywhere. - No, no, no.

Okay, all right, Rud... listen.

We're not gonna let Paul humiliate

your father on his birthday, okay? I promise.

I swear it by my reusable slushee cup.

- [GENE GASPS] - Yeah, you heard me. [SLURPS]

Oh, ow, brain freeze.

- Uh, got to slow down. - Here, let-let me rub your head.

- Thank you. It still hurts. - There you go.

- I know, let me really rub it. - [LOUISE SHOUTS]

- Hey! Ow! - [RUDY GRUNTING]

Rudy!

- Oh, God, it's all happening. - Hold it together, Rudes.

We're gonna handle this.

I know you're saying words,

but all I can hear is my Dad's cocoon

crunch, crunch, crunching under Paul's feet.

That's Gene eating tortilla chips.

Sorry.

There he is. Oh, good ball choice, son.

Heh. Thanks. Yeah, I coordinated it with my shirt.

- Well, I noticed. - Hey, kids.

Kids, meet shoes. Shoes, meet kids.

- Oh, hi. - Mm.

- Hey, there they are. - And here we are.

Are you ready to roll?

'Cause it's bowling.

- Oh! - Oh, yes!

- I love it. - Balls are round, so they roll.

Yeah.

Oh, man. Lame, but somehow charming puns?

That's my dad's territory.

You know what, I'm gonna pop over to the men's room.

I've got a birthday bladder, aka too many fizzy waters.

Don't start without me.

Okay, let's move. I'm gonna go stall Paul

so he can't bowl, and I'll just keep that going

- until the party's over? - [BOTH] Mm-hmm.

- Tina? - Yeah?

Go to the cumin lady

from Indian cooking class. Make it happen.

It would be nice if Sylvester had a new girlfriend

in, like, 20 minutes?

- Uh... - Perfect.

- Gene? - Slushee duty, got it.

- No. Go with Rudy. - Aw.

Follow Sylvester to the bathroom

and pluck those eyebrows with extreme prejudice.

- On it. - Wait.

Rudy, what's Paul's deal again?

What's-what's he do?

He's an occupational therapist.

If people have pain that makes it difficult

to do things, he helps them with exercises or advice.

- As if we couldn't hate him any more. - I know.

Okay, everybody break. Go! Go! Okay.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- Dad. Hey, Dad? Dad. - Yeah? What, what, what?

- Yeah. What is it? - I just learned that Paul here

is an occupational therapist.

Uh, yeah. Yes, I am.

My dad needs that. Lots of it.

- Oh! Are certain motions painful? - I do?

I mean, yeah.

- Which ones? - Um, all of them?

- See what I mean? - Oh.

- Hi. - Uh... hi.

Having some popcorn?

Cool. Cool, cool.

[SIGHS] Birthdays, am I right?

Stand up, let me, let me look.

- Sure. [GRUNTS] - Little sound there.

Uh... [STAMMERS] Wait.

Do you not make sounds when you stand up?

Uh, l-let's see you touch your toes.

Touch, like... "touch"?

- Give it a shot. - Oh, my God.

[WHISTLES] Yeah. [WHISTLES]

You... you whistled twice.

- Is-is that bad? - Yeah, it's a two-whistler.

- Yep. - Oh, God.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow! - It's worth it, Dad.

I'm sorry. I love you!

The hair is fighting back!

It wants to live!

We're gonna kill it!

- Don't let it into your mind! - Ow, kids, ow!

It knows what you're afraid of!

I mean, it seems like you guys have great chemistry.

He's learning to cook Indian food,

you're learning to cook Indian food.

Maybe it's time to take it to the next level

and move in together?

I'm sorry, who are you?

So your right shoulder is

about two inches higher than your left.

- It is? - Yes. That's even.

- Oh! [GRUNTING] - Does that hurt?

It's not supposed to.

I mean, is... so this is normal?

- Th-This is how standing is? - I'm afraid so.

Okay, let's bowl.

I am very ready.

Yeah. Here.

- I'll give you my card. - No, no, no, don't bowl.

He needs help now.

He's got so many problems.

I can't believe he's survived this long.

It's okay, Louise. Uh, I'll be fine. I-I-I think.

[SIGHS] Crap.

Here we go, my dad's up first.

Go me! It's my birthday.

And I'm bowling.

- [ALL GROANING] - Oof.

- Hey, it's just his first roll. - Tina, how'd it go?

- Cherie wants to move slow. - [GROANS]

I guess she thinks asking Sylvester to be her boyfriend

after they've gone on no dates is, quote, "very confusing."

- Ridiculous. - Oh, God.

Well, hey, three pins are better than nothing.

Yeah.

The intimidation factor's already there.

Paul's gonna bowl the pants off my dad

at his own birthday party.

Beautifully pleated pants?

And those eyebrows are bringing the razzle dazzle.

I-I can't watch. Maybe I'll bail

- and go drown my sorrows in slushee. - I'm in!

- I could slush. Louise? - Uh...

Huh. What if we... ?

Guys, come with me. I have an idea.

Come with you where?

Anywhere but here is good.

- Uh, hey, bud. - Your turn.

Um, go on without me... we're doing kid stuff.

Not that I'm not totally comfortable

with everything going on here

in this area of the bowling alley, so...

Um, okay, bye.

- What are we doing? - Also a question I was going to ask.

We're doing what it takes to give your dad an amazing night.

Are we getting him a gift from what I think is

an extension cord museum?

- [KIDS SHOUT] - You kids aren't allowed back here.

Right, right. Uh, so sorry for whatever this is we're doing.

I was thinking this didn't look like a bathroom.

- Okay. Get out now. - Wait. Please.

- What? - [SIGHS] This is Rudy. Rudy say hi.

Uh, hello, I'm Rudy.

And it's his dad's birthday,

and his dad's about to bowl against Paul,

who's his mom's new boyfriend, and Paul's good at everything.

And he's-he's gonna kick Rudy's dad's butt.

And he's gonna look like... like what were you saying?

Like a dead caterpillar or something?

Yeah, he's gonna look like, an-an unrealized butterfly.

Yeah. So we just want to help him win.

You know, from back here, somehow.

I mean, it would be a lot like cheating, but it would be for charity.

So... yeah.

It's fine, we'll figure out something else.

- I love it. - Huh? What?

I've got a Paul, but my Paul is named Penny

and she makes my dad very happy.

How dare she.

- Okay. We're cheating. - We... are?

- Yeah, Tina, we are. - You're going down, Penny!

- Uh, Paul. - Uh-huh.

- No, it's important. - Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

[LOUISE] Lane ten. Rudy's dad and Paul are playing

- on this lane right now. - And last we saw,

my dad was bowling like ass.

Sorry. I said "ass."

So we've got to make this cheating stuff happen soon.

Uh, I feel like helping Sylvester by cheating

is maybe not the best idea,

and also just cheating in general.

Tina, Rudy is our friend, and if our friend wants his dad

to bowl an amazing game and teach Paul a lesson

he will never freaking forget,

that's what we're gonna do.

- Thank you. - Yeah. Okay.

So, how's this gonna work?

- Sorry, I didn't catch your name. - No names.

The less we know about each other, the better.

- It's on your name tag? - Rachel.

Crap. Okay, I have an idea of how we can do this,

but I haven't tried it before and it's risky.

When your dad's ball hits the pins,

there's just enough clearance over the backstop

for us to toss an extra pin in there.

And if we hit 'em just right,

then it's nothing but strikes.

- Fantastic. - Ooh... Gutter ball.

Ugh, please, don't let it be Spare-ta-cus.

Ugh. They look good, but they don't actually

help me bowl better.

- You're lucky you're hot. - You talking to me?

- Yeah, you, too. - I know.

Okay. I need two kids, one to grab the pin

before it gets swept into the pin elevator,

and one to hold onto the person grabbing the pin,

so they don't fall into the machine.

Sounds... dangerous?

Pin-setting used to be done by child laborers,

so I'm sure that means it's perfectly safe.

We can't see anything from back here.

How will we know when it's Rudy's dad's turn?

Good point. We need eyes on the outside.

- I'll do it. - Gene, no offense,

but if we send you out there, we're gonna find you face-down

- at the slushee bar. - And your point is?

Um, I'll go. I would love to be not here.

No.

Your "I'm not doing anything bad" face is...

let's just say it... really bad.

Oh. What-what about "Eh"?

- [GROANS] I'll go. - Be sneaky.

Peek at the scoreboard, memorize the bowling order,

- and report back. - A sneak and a peek.

Got it.

♪ ♪

Oof.

Sylvester's losing pretty bad,

but we still have like half a game left to turn it around.

Whoa, and Mom and Dad are not bringing it.

- [BOB] Hey, Louise. - Ugh. They spotted me.

Uh, hey, Dad. Mom. Rough game?

I'm beginning to think that as athletes

you guys are kind of not elite.

Yeah. We're bad at this. Oh!

Did you say "I love you" when we were

at a sports game of some kind?

No, but one time you threw up on me at a baseball game.

- Yeah, but lovingly. - Yeah, kinda.

Lot of peanuts.

Check out Paul with the big blue ball. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, so, Sylvester's up after Paul.

Hmm. You can totally see Rachel's elbow right now.

And I think Gene's knees for some reason?

[SIGHS] It's fine, it's fine.

These lanes are so long, and adults' eyesight is so bad.

[PAUL GROANS]

Bananas. It's a split!

Well, you're still way ahead of me.

It's gonna be hard to catch you.

That's a good pun though... bananas, split.

Oh, I didn't... [LAUGHS] I didn't realize I did that.

Really? [LAUGHS]

Better get back there.

- [HOLLY] Huh. - [SYLVESTER] What?

You're not doing it again, are you?

- Doing what? - Letting someone win.

I've been watching you.

You haven't been doing that spinny thing

with your wrist you usually do.

My trademark Spinderella?

I mean, I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you do. Did you pluck your eyebrow hair?

Uh, Gene and Rudy pulled it out of my face, yeah.

- Oh. - And it was long.

Wait, why would he let Paul win?

Oh, boy.

[GROANS]

Are we a go? Is Sylvester up?

He's next, but we might need to call off the plan,

- like right now. - What? Why?

We don't need it, I don't think.

I'm pretty sure Sylvester is letting Paul win.

Wh-What did you say, Louise?

Your dad is letting Paul win.

Huh? But why?

I say we're still doing the plan.

Paul has this coming. Penny has this coming.

Always fostering shelter dogs,

asking about my day, making Christmas magical.

You're not my mom, Penny!

- She sounds like a monster. - She is.

- Louise, this is happening. - But no, wait, what...

I'm closing the door now, watch your fingers.

- What? No! - She said watch your fingers!

Ah! Son of a bowling ball!

Rudy! Gene! Tina! Come on!

- Someone, open up! - Everyone in position.

Ignore the pounding and the yelling,

and any dumb voices inside of you that are like,

"This is wrong, I shouldn't do this, uh... "

- [LOUISE SHOUTING] - Tina? What should we do?

- Uh... - Okay, great.

Stay strong, that's what you should do.

Okay, not good, not good. Ugh, crap, crap, crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap.

- [PANTING] Whoa, whoa. - Ah! Street shoes!

- [LOUISE] Sorry! - Louise?

What the heck are you doing?

Uh... Well, I dropped a nickel over here,

- and I've got to get it! - You dropped a nickel?

- Yes! - Louise, we're poor,

but we're not that poor.

I can get you another nickel, I think.

Uh, one second, sorry. Sorry!

You're still wearing shoes on the lane!

[LOUISE] I know, I know, I just... One second!

[SYLVESTER] Lane integrity is important!

[WHISPERING] Rudy. Rudy, can you hear me in there? Buddy.

Don't try and change my mind, Louise.

And are you standing on the lanes?

That's pretty frowned upon.

Listen. We don't have to do this.

Your dad doesn't need our help.

There's a good chance he's throwing the game

because he's a nice guy who's really good at bowling,

but doesn't want to make his ex-wife's new boyfriend

look bad, or something,

and doing this plan could ruin everything.

And I'm pretty sure our hands would get mangled

by this machine, but the dad stuff, too.

Also if you get caught, which, I'm gonna tell you

with some outside knowledge, is not not a possibility,

and me being here right now isn't helpful, sorry.

Anyway, if you get caught cheating,

it'll make it weird with you and Paul.

It'll make it weird with Paul and your dad.

It'll make everything weird.

Don't listen to her. We've got to do this.

Stuff actually seems pretty okay between Sylvester and Paul.

I'm realizing the person who doesn't seem okay is you.

- Me? - No, Ru-Rudy.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

[OVER INTERCOM] Child in lane ten talking to the pins,

clear the lane please. That's not how bowling works.

Yeah, just a minute! [WHISPERS] Rudy, listen, 'cause they're about to

put me in bowling jail.

It's possible you just needed a friend

to talk to, and not a genius to make

a slightly complicated cheating plan.

- [BOB] Louise. - Yeah?

It would be a cool birthday present to Sylvester

if you stop doing that in the middle of his game.

Uh, also we forgot to get you a birthday present.

- Just remembering now. - Oh, whoops.

[SIGHS] Fine.

Well, here comes the strike.

♪ ♪

Huh.

- Not bad. - Hey.

So, you're not gonna do the cheating thing?

I don't want to say it was my nervous farts

that convinced them to leave that back room, but maybe?

I mean, the farts were possibly a factor.

I think I'm gonna go call Penny and apologize for my text.

I mean, it wasn't actually any words,

just a GIF of an orangutan giving the middle finger.

But still, I feel bad.

- It's a solid GIF, though. - Yeah.

[LINDA] Ah, bye, shoes.

You weren't good bowling shoes, but you made me feel beautiful.

Do you need more time, or can we...

No, we're-we're good. Are we good?

Okay, there you go. And then it's done.

Well, that was fun, huh?

Dad, did you let Paul win?

What? No. Okay, fine.

Hey, the whole macho,

"Must beat ex-wife's new boyfriend at sports" thing,

it's-it's just not me.

Plus, he's not my competition, you know?

He's part of your mom's life now, and your life and mine.

- Yeah. - But, you know, it doesn't change

anything about you and me. I'll always be your dad,

and you'll always be my rad son.

- My rad son Rudy. - I know.

- I rhymed it. - I just want you to be okay, Dad.

I am okay. I mean, sure, this is not

how I thought our marriage would turn out,

but I've got great friends and a great therapist.

And there are wonderful shows on TV now, Rudy.

Wonderful. I haven't even started The Crown.

I hear it's very nuanced.

Hey, don't underestimate your old dad.

I've got a lot of life ahead of me.

Uh, hey, Sylvester?

- Hey, Cherie! - I'm-I'm heading out.

Uh, sorry we barely got to talk tonight. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, at least, not directly.

Uh... yeah. Well, see you in class.

Hey, I hear we're cooking chicken vindaloo next week.

Yep. I'm vinda-looking forward to seeing you there.

[LAUGHTER]

Vinda-you-too. [LAUGHS]

- [GASPS] Whoa! - Yeah!

Oh, my God, did you see that?

Big-time. That girl talked to you.

[GENE] Last people to leave the party.

- We just keep getting cooler. - Amen.

Hey, Dad, did you ever figure out

where Mom first said "I love you"?

No, and thank you for bringing it up, Tina.

You're welcome.

Lin, I'm sorry I can't remember

that really nice, important thing.

Bob, I told you, it's fine.

Here's the story... we were by the beach,

and a seagull pooped in my hair,

and we didn't have any napkins, and so you just used your shirt.

And I said it.

Then you said, "That's a lot of poop."

- Aw! - Now you 'member?

Yeah. How did I not remember that?

Haven't we all wiped seagull poop off Mom

at some point in our lives?

You'll just say "I love you"

to anyone who wipes poop off you.

[TINA] That's how you know.

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING IN PAIN]

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --

[RUDY] The man knows how to rock a pant pleat.