Original subtitles

And since I am strongly of the opinion that we are already providing more than enough entertainment for visitors,

I wish to propose the motion that the provision of more would

be detrimental to the good name of the borough.

Knickers.

Please, counselor,

I should strike there for in the minutes,

Mr.

and...

I beg your pardon,

Your Worship.

Don't take down knickers.

Chance would be a fine thing, wouldn't it, love?

Counselor Fiddler,

I really must request you to moderate your language when in committee.

I second that.

I do beg the committee's pardon,

Your Worship, but all this bleeding codswallop about mucking up the good name of the borough gets on my wick.

Should I, er...

No,

no, no.

Oh, God, Blimey, why don't we face facts?

We don't attract any visitors to this dump because there is nothing for them to flip and we'll do.

Of course, we are all well aware that

Mr Fiddler would like to see more people

in that so-called amusement arcade of his playing on those dreadful machines.

You're dead right.

Do you know how much what the button saw took last season?

One pound sixty.

That works out about two pence a grope.

Yes, please.

I really do feel that we are somewhat straying from the point here.

But that is the point.

It's about the only indoor amusement we have apart from snogging under the bandstand.

I do feel that,

you know, that, er, Counselor Fiddler does have a point there,

you know, considering our very high seasonal rainfall figure.

Oh, really,

Mr Mayor?

Personally, I think it is quite an average one.

If you think nine inches is an average one, you've been spoilt.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no.

Is anyone else any useful suggestions to offer?

I have.

And what is that, Counselor?

Miss Fercombe.

Oh, bring me no pardon.

Miss Fercombe, a beauty queen.

That's what we want.

All the best resorts have them.

Mr.

Mayor,

I think we have wasted quite enough time here today,

and I propose that you close the meeting.

Please,

Mrs...

Mrs.

Proudworthy, please.

I do feel that the,

er, proposal merits some discussion,

you know?

Mr.

Mayor,

you are well aware of my views on women's rights,

and there can never be anything proper

in young women being shown off like cattle

for the sexual gratification of a lot of drooling men.

Both.

I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt.

Both competitions.

That's what we need.

Poor old Pratt.

He really will have to go.

And so will I.

We've heard quite enough rubbish spoken here today.

Oh, but we still wish to hear yours, Mrs.

Proudworthy.

Ha-ha-ha!

Your views, I mean.

I think I have made myself perfectly clear.

And as far as I am concerned,

the matter is closed.

Good morning.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

I'm afraid that's that,

then.

Oh, no, it isn't.

We're still in committee.

I propose we put it to the vote.

What?

Without Mrs.

Proudworthy?

We've still got a quorum?

Yes.

Eh.

Yeah, all right, then.

All those in favour of the motion to hold a beauty contest?

One only.

How about you?

You were all for it a moment ago.

Well,

then...

All those against?

Two also.

I'm afraid we still haven't a majority,

councillor.

Hang on.

Just a minute.

Boy,

you're all for it, aren't you?

Yes.

Anytime.

Carried.

Ha-ha-ha! Morning, madam.

Good morning, dear.

Oh.

Miss Toots.

Ah, yes.

Oh!

Here,

let me give you a hand,

Miss Toots.

Oh, thank you, William.

It's been a...

Oh!

Now,

one, two, three.

Oh!

Thank you, William.

Are you all right now?

Oh, yes, thank you.

It was just a touch of...

I generally go at this time of the...

What?

Yes, it's the Sierre.

Yes.

Hello, Mrs.

Dukes.

I thought you were going to the cinema.

I did, but I had to leave.

A young man sat next to me and started to make improper suggestions.

Again?

Really?

You should complain to the manager.

I can't.

He's after me too, you see.

Well, Mrs.

Dukes, perhaps you shouldn't make yourself look quite so attractive.

No, it's not that.

I can't help it.

I give out waves, you know.

Really?

Yes.

My late husband used to call it oomph.

William?

Have you seen Mr.

Fiddler?

Yes.

Not a bad photo,

considering.

No, I don't mean this.

I mean, has he been in?

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Yes.

It was last Tuesday.

Has he been in today?

Today?

Just a moment.

Let me see.

Never mind, William.

If you do see him,

would you mind telling him I'd like to see him right away?

Yes.

What shall I tell him if I don't see him?

Nothing, William.

Nothing.

Yes, I'll try and remember that, Mrs.

Philpott.

Is the Admiral all right?

Yes, I think so.

Of course,

he's quite old, you know.

He's not as fit as some of us.

What?

Huh.

Oh.

Go on.

Hop in.

Oh, line is all happening, isn't it?

Huh.

Yes.

I'll get him in a second.

I am the greatest.

Oh, I'm no fun.

I thought I was back in the game, then.

Willie, I want you to get me a nice double room

with hot and cold running chambermates.

Yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah.

Does that mean that you and Mrs.

Philpott are going to do it,

then?

Don't be filthy.

No, no.

I didn't mean that.

I mean, get hitched.

Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.

We're just good friends.

Oh.

Well, I wouldn't bank on that for the minute if I were you, Mr.

Fiddler.

Oh.

It's like that, is it?

Yes.

Oh.

Ah.

I'm glad you reminded me.

Mrs.

Philpott said to tell you,

erm, dear, no, I must get this right.

It's all right.

Take your time.

I've got all night.

No, that wasn't it.

Yes, it was.

No, no.

No, it wasn't.

Oh, dear me.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

Your finger?

My finger.

Yes. Hey, doll.

No, that wasn't it.

While you're thinking,

get that number for me,

will you?

Yes, I'll remember it.

Don't you worry.

I'll get this number for you while I'm waiting.

HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES All right, all right.

I'll do it myself.

Good.

I'm only doing my best,

so...

HE MUMBLES Give me that thing.

Come at me with you.

Get off.

All right.

Give me the book.

Thank you.

017543230.

PHONE RINGS Potter Publicity Bureau.

To who do you wish to speak?

Oh, hello, Paula.

Sid here.

Sid Fiddler.

How are you?

Oh, very well, thank you.

You haven't changed.

Peter there?

It's that terrible man, Sidney Fiddler.

You don't want to talk to him,

do you?

I'd better.

You know what he's like.

He may have something for me.

If it's anything like the last time,

you'll need bailing out.

Don't worry.

I can handle him.

Hello, Sid.

Hello, Pete.

How's business?

Great, great.

I've got a job you'd love to get your teeth into.

Right up your alley.

What is it?

He's got a job for me.

I can imagine.

I want you to do the publicity

for a beauty contest we got down here in Furcombe.

Beauty contest?

What, you mean girls?

I don't mean budgerigars.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think Paula'd like me getting mixed up with a lot of girls.

Why not?

Well, we're engaged.

And you know how jealous Paula can be.

Sounds like an interesting assignment,

Sid. Putting Furcombe on the map,

writing about local trade figures and that sort of thing.

Oh,

she'd come back into the office,

hasn't she?

What's the job worth?

100 in round figures.

And there'll be plenty of those, I promise you.

100?

That's right.

Could be more.

I'm on the council.

I think I'd better come down, Sid.

That's my boy.

And don't take any of that old guff from Paula.

If she doesn't like it,

tell her she can lump it.

That's the way to deal with women.

Treat them rough.

Hello, sweetheart.

I didn't see you there.

Obviously.

I'd like to see you, Sidney.

Right away.

Hey.

Ah, that's it.

Mrs Philpott wants to see you right away.

Thank you, Willie.

Yes.

I knew I'd get it.

And how's my favourite little hotelkeeper today?

Hungry.

Very hungry.

So would I be if I had a wee,

dear.

But I haven't eaten.

You on a diet again?

No, you had asked me out to lunch.

Oh, lovely show I did.

I'm sorry, love.

I've had a very busy day.

I've been in it right up to here.

So I see.

That's it.

Great idea, isn't it?

Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.

No, no, no.

I did it mainly for you, darling.

For me?

Oh, really?

Well, you've got a hotel, haven't you?

Just think of all the people this is going to bring into the town.

You'll be packed out.

And you'll have the beauty contest and stay in here for a start.

Oh, yes, of course.

I hadn't thought of that.

Now, that was very clever of you, Sidney.

You know me, love.

Anything for you.

Anything but marriage?

Yes.

Well, as I was saying,

you'll have at least a dozen of the beauty queens staying here for a start.

At the usual rate.

You can't charge the contestants, can you?

Why not?

Well, they're the baits, aren't they?

When people hear about all these lovely-looking dollybirds staying here,

they're going to be queuing up for your rooms,

aren't they?

I don't doubt that.

But I am not going to have anything going on here that might upset my regulars.

Don't worry about it.

I've fixed that.

There'll be a full-time chaperone here day and night.

Well, that is better.

Who?

Well, it wasn't easy, but we've got it down to a short list of possibles.

Yes.

We had to find people who would not take advantage of the situation.

Yes.

Somebody honest,

dependable, with strict morals.

And?

They talked me into it.

I knew it.

No, no.

Just a minute.

Chaperone?

You and a bunch of beauty queens.

It's like asking Dracula to be in charge of a bloodbath.

No, no, no.

Wait a minute, darling.

That's not true.

You know I don't go for beautiful women.

I like you.

That doesn't get it.

Go on.

All right.

You letter of sores.

All right. Get out!

Really, Mother, I don't see why I have to come to.

You haven't come to since the day you were born.

Look,

you were there when he gave out this statement,

weren't you?

Yes, but...

You even took this photograph of the revolting man.

Yes, Mother.

Well, I want you here as a witness to what the bear says.

She's still under waiters.

She's not keeping toes up.

Very well, Mr.

Christian.

Fire a shot across her bounce.

Aye, aye, sir.

Oh, come along.

Answer the door.

All right.

I'm coming.

Sorry if I kept you waiting.

I was in the lab, you see.

Mrs.

Bumble,

I wish to speak to your husband immediately.

Well, you'd better come in, then.

I've only got to go to the lab and someone starts knocking at the door.

It's almost as if I knew.

Mind you, I must admit, I do go out a lot.

Well, I'm not here to take a census on toilet habits,

Mrs.

Bumble.

Please take me to your husband.

Oh, I couldn't disturbing that.

Dearie's upstairs.

Well, I damn well can.

Very well, Mr.

Christian.

Stand by to ram and board her.

You've seen this, I presume?

Yes, but you have no right to be in here,

Mrs.

Prattworthy.

Never mind that.

Do you mean to tell me that in my absence

the committee actually approved this disgusting idea?

Mrs.

Prattworthy,

I hardly think that this is the time or the place to discuss matters.

Oh, Poppycock, I've seen men naked before,

you know.

Dammit, I've buried three husbands.

I'm not surprised to hear it.

Excuse us, sir.

Come along, Mother, please.

Oh, now, you shut up.

Come along.

I want a straight answer.

Was it or was it not approved?

Mrs.

Prattworthy,

I refuse to discuss this with you in my bath.

I am not in your bath,

thank goodness.

Now, was it or wasn't it?

Yes, it was, but the bath...

Then I must warn you that I mean to fight it to the bitter end.

Mrs.

Prattworthy,

I have a civic duty to support any project...

Oh, fiddlesticks, you are a weak-kneed ass.

And as far as I can see,

you are as poorly equipped

to carry out your civic duties as your domestic ones.

That's what the job's all about.

I still don't see why you have to stay down there.

I've already told you,

darling, they need some on-the-spot publicity now.

I've done all I can at this end.

Surely you can understand that.

No, but I might do if you'd stop being so darn secretive

and tell me what the job's really about.

It's a publicity campaign,

that's all.

Well, to publicise what?

Perkins.

They're having a sort of competition to go with it.

Oh, like Spot the Boobs.

What?

What made you say that?

Like the one you wanted to do

while spotting the deliberate mistakes on the cornflakes.

Oh, yes.

Well, not quite like that.

It's to encourage people to come to Furcombe.

Well, you haven't exactly encouraged me to.

Well, I couldn't trust myself to ask you to come with me.

I'd only burst into your bedroom and try to make love to you or something.

You know I wouldn't let that happen.

Exactly.

That's why I didn't.

Didn't want the temptation.

Anyway, I'd lose my job,

and if that happened,

I couldn't afford to marry you.

Excuse me,

are you going to Furcombe?

This train's going there, yes.

Oh, good.

Do you know that girl?

No.

Funny, she's going to Furcombe too.

Well, a lot of people must live there.

Are we all right for Furcombe?

I'm sure you are.

Thanks.

I'm beginning to understand why you don't want me down there.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, darling.

You're the only girl in my life.

You know that.

Excuse me, is this the train to the beauty contest?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, good.

Are you coming?

Certainly not.

That's right.

Are you in this one?

Yes, that's right, I am.

Oh, I'll join you then.

You didn't tell me anything about a beauty contest.

I think I'd better go.

Excuse me.

Well, goodbye, darling.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Now.

Oh! Sorry.

Sorry, darling.

Kiss.

I'll take most any time.

Most any time.

Don't let go of me!

What?

I distinctly remember seeing them soaking in the bathroom last night

and then the morning they were gone.

Well, really, Mrs.

Dukes, I cannot believe that one of these young ladies

would deliberately take your knickers.

No!

Well,

I'll make inquiries, of course.

What were they like?

Red fanlet.

Reinforced.

Yes, I see.

Well, I'm sure they must turn up.

Oh, they can't do that.

They've got elastic at the bottom.

How chic.

Well, I'm sure they'll be fine,

Mrs.

Dukes. Well, I certainly hope so,

because I don't feel at all safe walking about this town without any.

Perhaps I can help,

Mrs.

Dukes.

Who, the Admiral?

Come outside, ma'am.

I've got something to show you.

What do you mean?

Where?

All will be revealed, madam.

Across the promenade there.

Look.

Oh!

Yes, well, I've got to check all your measurements,

haven't I?

I've never had it before.

Never mind.

The experience will do you good.

Sydney, I'd like a word with you.

Yes, love?

What is it?

It's about these complaints.

Off you go.

You're always kidding, that one.

What's the trouble?

It's my permanent residence I am worried about.

All this running about the corridors in and out of each other's bedrooms.

It's simply not good enough.

You're dead right.

At their age, they ought to know better.

It's your girls I'm talking about.

I've heard them all night long, doors banging.

Blimey, Con, when you get a bunch of young dollies,

you've got to expect a bit of banging.

Well, I expect you to get them all into bed at a reasonable hour.

I promise you, I'll do my very best.

Mr.

Fiddler, what about these photos?

I haven't got all day,

you know.

Excuse me, love, business.

I'm just waiting for my publicity man to turn up.

Yes, I know, but I'm supposed to be covering the mayor's opening this afternoon.

You do get some unpleasant jobs,

don't you?

He's opening a new municipal building at four o'clock.

Thank you,

ladies, and...

And what about the ladies,

may I ask?

What?

What was that?

Why, Mr.

Mayor, is there provision only for gentlemen

in this monument to natural and universal functions?

Yeah.

Because it was specifically designed for use by the male sex

as approved in council last September.

I see.

So the ladies must wait, is that it?

Mrs.

Prudworth, I do feel that the place for protest

is in the chamber.

I did protest in the chamber, Mr.

Mayor,

and most strongly.

And I still insist on knowing why this place could not have been

for the use of both sexes.

Because it's for men.

We can't have them all using the same one.

Perhaps the mayor would care to explain why we can't all use the same one.

Yes, well, no...

Why can't we all

use...?

Ah, yes, yes.

Because the fittings are different for one thing.

We all have only one thing, Mr.

Mayor.

Mrs.

Prudworth,

you are

deliberately...

M-m-m-misunderstanding me.

What I am trying to say...

I know what you are trying to say.

You are trying to say that women are inferior.

Yes.

No, no, please.

I put it to you that this is one more example of this council's policy

to deliberately demean and debase womanhood.

Yes.

A policy which was brought to a head recently when, in my absence,

they passed this disgraceful resolution to hold a beauty contest here.

Yes.

I want every male here to know that the women of Furcombe

are determined to stop this degrading spectacle.

Yes.

And until it is called off,

we will squat

in this erection to man's so-called superiority.

Yes.

No,

Mrs.

Prudworth, please.

Forward, liberators of Furcombe! Forward!

You must...

Please, please! Please, please!

Girls!

Come on, girls.

Don't get changed for photos.

Back in 15 minutes.

What do you want us to wear?

Oh, anything.

I've got a rather smashing two-piece swimsuit.

Great.

Just wear one piece of that.

Well, they publish pictures like that.

Not in my paper.

It's all right, darling.

I was only joking.

You go and get them both on.

Go on.

Get your gear ready.

How's it going, love?

Wonderful.

Since all this started,

I've let ten rooms.

All for you.

For nothing.

Oh, you wait till old Pete gets that publicity really rolling.

The contest is in ten days.

Yeah, well, just look at your permanent residence.

Yes, and I've got only left...

Oh! Oh! Oh! You're a dirty old man!

Uh,

uh, uh, Mrs.

Philpott.

I wish to complain.

This young woman molested me.

Well, I like that.

Whether you like it or not,

my dear, it's quite immaterial.

Look, he pinched my...

Yeah, yeah, it's all right, darling.

Don't worry about it.

I'll sort it out.

Cheeky little thing.

I'd like to put her across me knee.

I'm sure you would,

Admiral.

Yes, my darling.

What?

Mrs.

Philpott, are you suggesting...

Damn it! For two pins,

I move out of here!

Good afternoon, sir.

Can I help you?

Yes.

Have you got any rooms,

please?

Certainly, sir.

Our terms are £7 a day or £40 a week all in.

Uh, yeah, Mr.

Fiddler said it had all been arranged.

You see,

we're in the beauty contest.

Yes, sir.

So I see.

Oh, well.

In that case, take a pick.

Take the lot.

Go on.

Move on.

Me in.

Be my guest.

Room with the view and all that sort of thing.

Yes. Right, then.

Have a good time.

Pete,

we're waiting for you.

The photographer's here.

Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, the train was late.

Some trouble on the line.

Trouble with Ethel?

You're joking.

Oh,

this is Miss Banger.

Really?

How do you do?

And this is Miss Brakes.

Dawn Brakes.

Dawn?

My favourite time for getting up.

I was Miss Dairy Queen,

you know.

You still are in my book, darling.

Here, Sid,

are there any rooms for us?

The one behind the desk went all peculiar when I asked her.

She's a bit overwhelmed.

They haven't done this since Mafeking.

Here we are.

Photo call in ten minutes.

Right? Oh, God blimey.

Not again.

Oh, God.

Will you...

I want you to come over the promenade with me.

Yes.

Why?

Well, I want you to take my knickers down.

Pardon?

Well, they're on the pole over there.

Oh, oh, I see.

Yes.

Well, you'd better take my arm,

or I'll make a ricky cross on this road.

Right.

Oh!

It's already been done.

Well, what hasn't?

Excuse me?

Look now, Sunny, I'm busy.

Sunny?

You want your eyes tested.

Excuse me.

I thought they always built the shock absorbers into the bikes.

Sousy.

Are you the broken charge?

That's right.

Fiddle is the name.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Hope Springs.

I don't believe it.

True.

Well,

actually, me real name's Muriel Bloggs,

but it was hardly right for this game,

was it?

What game?

Beauty Contest, of course.

Hang on.

Wait a minute.

Don't tell me you're a competitor.

Course I am.

See?

Miss Easy Rider.

I beat 40 and other girls for that.

Doing what?

Course.

I was at an advantage.

We had to do it on a motorbike.

I should have thought that was a handicap.

No, what I mean is I've been riding a motorbike for years now.

Good for you, but this is a straight-duty contest.

No kinky stuff.

Oh, I see.

You think I'm not right for it,

don't you?

No, I didn't say that.

I just don't want you to waste your time.

Oh, I won't.

Don't you worry.

I look a lot different in a bikini.

So does he, but he's not entering.

Just you wait and see.

You're in for a big surprise.

Here, you've got a room I can change in.

Yes, here's mine.

Promise you won't come in?

Not until you're halfway through.

On second thoughts, I'd better have a room of my own.

HONKING Perhaps you're right.

Come on.

How?

There you are.

Connie,

got a room for this young lady?

Oh, well, of course, Sydney.

I think you'll find that an ideal one.

Thank you, Connie.

Just a minute.

That's for the broom cupboard.

That's right.

Where we keep all the scrubbers.

All right, all right.

Keep your hat on.

Here.

Go and change in mine.

I'll sort it out later.

Ta.

I heard that.

Does she fancy you or something?

You know how it is,

a window with a place like this.

Things get on top of her.

Yeah,

I bet they do.

Frequently.

LAUGHS Here I go.

I'll get changed.

So, see you.

See you.

MUSIC PLAYS

Excuse me.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, help yourself.

It's big enough, isn't it?

I do, yes.

I won't ask how far you want to go.

I might get the wrong answer.

Only to the bottom, my dear.

WHISTLES

Oh!

So you want to play, do you?

Well, come on, then.

SHE LAUGHS SHE SCREAMS SHE SCREAMS SHE SCREAMS SHE LAUGHS Now, come on, lover.

I've only just started.

SHE LAUGHS

That'll teach the old buzzard.

What did you do to him?

I think I tickled his fancy.

Well, do I pass now?

With honours, in at least two subjects.

Oh, saucy.

Let's hope the judges think like you.

If they do, they'll all get locked up.

Oh, promises, promises.

Well, I'm not too late for the pictures.

No, no, no.

Go to the others over there.

Oh,

ta. Right, now, that's, er, that's a lot at it.

Er, no.

There's still almost breaks to come.

Oh, no.

Not Dawn.

Is she here?

That's right.

You know her? Do I?

I'm not saying anything against her,

but if this was a dog contest,

we'd none of us stand a chance.

If it was a cat show,

you'd do all right,

though, wouldn't you?

Oh, I like the girl.

Honest.

I mean, it's not her fault she has to wear a falsie.

What do you mean, a falsie?

She's got one bigger than the other.

Is that right?

No, left.

But you're crazy about her.

Oh, I wouldn't say a word against her.

Like in the last contest we were in.

We were sharing this dressing room together,

and I had this fabulous silver big cat.

Fabulous silver bikini,

and I just popped out for a while.

Well, it could quite easily happen in an outfit like that.

Now, I'm not saying she nicked it,

mind, but...

Push, push! Keep him coming.

That's it.

Good boy.

That's a good...

Keep him by.

Push.

I am pushing.

Ah!

What's that?

It's all right, Con.

It's only a donkey.

I know it's a donkey.

What's it doing in my lawn?

That's a good question.

Ah!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Sid, I want you to meet Cleopatra.

How do you do?

Have you gone out of your mind?

No, it's for the photos.

Beauty and the Beast,

get it?

Beauty and...

Beauty and the Beast! What a great idea!

Come on, come over here.

Come on.

I am not having it in here.

William, take it out.

Oh, Con, be reasonable.

It's only for a couple of minutes.

Be reasonable?

I don't even allow dogs in here.

It's not a dog.

I know it's not a dog,

but these carpets are very expensive.

William!

I'm afraid it's too late.

Well, don't just stand there.

Get a shovel.

Yes.

It'll be very good for the potted palms.

Get it out of here,

Sidney.

Get it out! Yes, right.

Never mind, though.

We'll get a couple of quick shots first.

Right, Larry boy.

Now, tell him what we're going to do.

We'll get one of the girls to sit on the donkey,

and we'll get...

What's the matter with you?

Oh, gosh.

Are you ready for me now?

More than ready, darling.

Come on.

I want you to come and sit on this donkey.

Oh, all right.

You sure it's safe?

He doesn't look too happy.

Well, he should be.

He's got a big load off his mind.

Well, if you say so.

Right, come on.

Wait a minute.

Hang on.

Don't just stand there.

Come and give her a bunk up.

What?

A bunk up! Come on.

Oh, I see.

Right.

Um...

Ready?

Right.

There we are.

Sit.

All right, girls.

Come on, let's have you.

All come round.

Round the donkey, please.

Come on.

That's it.

Right.

There we are.

That's it.

Right.

All right.

All right, Larry.

We're ready.

Just a minute.

I've still got my robe on.

Hang on.

I knew it.

What's going on here?

That's my bikini she's got on.

Really?

I don't know what she's talking about.

She nicked that from my dressing room last year.

I wouldn't be seen dead in your old rag.

You'll be seen dead if you don't give it back to me.

That's quite enough of a joke.

What are you talking...

Get out of this!

You little cow!

He's Councillor Fittner here.

Just about.

What?

Could you...

What is going on here?

Ladies,

ladies.

Mildred!

Mild!

Mildred!

You're up,

then. Of course I am.

Didn't you hear me calling?

I had the radio on.

I know you had it on.

I can't remember when you had it off.

Neither can I.

Are you aware that it is now five past nine?

Am I missing something, then?

My tea.

I ordered it for 8.30.

Better late than never, I always say.

Well,

then. Thank you very much.

Enough sugar?

Quite.

And cigarette ash.

Isn't it time you started thinking about getting dressed?

What for?

Have you forgotten what I kept on telling you last night?

To stop snoring?

At ten o'clock,

we have an official visit to the maternity hospital.

Do I have to go?

Of course you do.

They're expecting you.

I don't really feel up to it,

Frederick.

You've got to.

You are the Mayor's wife,

God help him.

You have a duty to do.

And that doesn't mean sitting around here all day like an old compost heap.

Yes, Frederick.

You should take pride

in being the wife of Thurcombe's leading citizen.

And what, may I ask, is so amusing?

You.

What do you mean?

Here.

Is that you, Roseberry?

Yes.

Have you seen this?

Yes,

bloody disgrace.

Still, what can you expect from a man?

My boy, Lawrence, took it, you know.

It's done him quite a bit of good.

And us.

Us?

Why? Well,

the more old bumble lays himself open to ridicule like this,

the better our chances of having a lady mayor next time.

Gosh, yes.

That would hit him where it hurts, wouldn't it?

Oh, please, Roseberry.

You know, I don't like any reference to that area of their so-called superiority.

By golly, you'd make a spiffing mayor auguster.

Now, we've got to keep up the pressure against this done beauty contest.

I agree.

What's the next step?

I've been wondering, have you any pull with anyone at the maternity hospital?

Good Lord, no.

It's hardly my scene, is it?

Only the mayor is opening a new nursery there today.

I thought we might arrange a little

surprise for him.

Oh,

the boy at the top,

my daddy.

The ha,

the boy at the top.

Oh, do.

Mr.

Prodworthy, I'm so pleased you could come.

You didn't mind me calling you, did you?

Oh,

not at all, Miss Brakes.

I saw your photos in the newspaper this morning.

I was very impressed.

I thought perhaps you could help me.

Oh, of course.

Anything.

This magazine wants some pin-up photos,

you see, and I thought you'd be the person to take them.

Oh, thank you.

Um,

here, do you mean?

No, on the beach.

Oh, fine.

Oh, but I advise plenty of worn clothing.

I don't think the magazine would like that.

Why not?

They only want nudes.

Oh.

You have done nudes before.

Oh, yes.

Shall we have a bash, then?

Pardon?

Oh,

er, pictures.

Now?

Yes, they won them by the end of the week.

Yes.

They're naked.

On the beach in broad daylight in Furcombe.

I'm sure we'll find a deserted spot.

Come on, Mum.

Oh!

I beg your pardon?

Of all the filthy rotten beasts!

Er...

You're sex-mongering.

You're disgusting!

You're disgusting! Say goodbye to Mrs.

Filpott for me.

There's a good fella.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Well, that's about the fourth that's left this morning.

You don't have to tell me.

Where's Mr.

Fiddler?

Oh, he's still up in his room.

He just sat down for some more coffee.

I'll give him coffee.

Oh, good.

Saved me a trip.

Gary!

I'll have it here,

please, on the bed.

You won't, you know.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I thought it was me coffee.

That's OK.

Look, I came to apologise for what happened yesterday.

Are you joking?

Have you seen the publicity we got out of it?

Front page, every paper.

Good day.

I was hoping it'd do the trick.

What do you mean, you were hoping?

Well, the donkey wasn't a bad idea,

but there's nothing like a really good punch-up, particularly amongst women.

You mean you started it deliberately?

Ha-ha-ha!

You're a clever little devil, ain't you?

Well, I'm pretty sure it was my outfit she had on.

Of course I could be wrong.

Ha-ha-ha!

We should get together.

With your brains and my beauty,

we could go places.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh,

I don't think I could teach you much.

You want to bet?

I think I'd better be going.

No, no, come on, dear.

What's the hurry?

You know what the other girls would say if they knew I was in here with you?

Yes.

Why should she have all the luck?

They'd say I was trying to work on you to fix myself to win.

And they'd be dead wrong.

There is nothing in the world that you could do to influence me.

I'll be there and I'll prove it.

No, thanks.

I'll take my chance with the rest.

I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

You send all the others in here one at a time,

and I'll prove it to a lot of them.

Now, you can't say fairer than that, can you?

Oh, really?

You ought to.

Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!

Leave it outside the door,

please.

Sidney, I want to talk to you.

Miss Connors.

Oh, she mustn't catch you in here.

Sidney!

Just a minute, ma'am.

Quick, get in the cupboard.

Oh! What's the matter?

Oh, my dressing gown's got cold.

Oh, no!

Sidney! You're all right,

love.

I'm not decent.

I think it's cold in the spring.

Well, do something, for God's sake.

All right, but turn the other way.

Sidney! Coming!

Coming.

Fair to get you, Wiley.

Just get in dressed.

Didn't get very far, did you?

What's the matter?

Something's upset you, hasn't it?

Upset?

Four more of my regulars moved out this morning.

That's seven gone in two days.

Oh.

Well, we don't want to discuss it up here,

do we?

Why don't we get out of the office?

In your pajamas.

That should get rid of a few more.

Yes.

Well, I'll put on my dressing gown.

Now, I'll tell you what.

You go downstairs, and I'll follow straight.

What is it?

That's what I'm wondering.

Oh, there's my dressing gown.

I wonder what happened to it.

Want me to lock?

It's Frank.

Where is she?

Where's who?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What are you looking for?

There isn't one.

I always go to the bathroom.

Connie, just a minute.

Connie, wait a minute.

Oh,

hello.

I thought as much.

Connie.

Connie, wait a minute.

Connie!

Just a...

Gosh, you're right.

It is a bit nippy.

What do you keep looking around like that for?

I'm just worried somebody might come along.

So what?

I'm sure they've seen a naked girl before.

Well, I haven't.

Oh, not like this, anyway.

You're not embarrassed, are you?

You shouldn't be, you know.

As a photographer, you should be able to regard these things objectively.

Yes,

well, nobody could regard those things objectively.

Why?

What's wrong with them?

Oh, nothing.

They're,

er...

Er...

Come on, let's get on with the photographs.

Oh, I've still got my panties on.

Oh,

er...

Haven't you taken enough off?

Not for the magazine these photos are for.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

OK, now, Larry.

And smile.

Help!

Help!

Help! Get me out! Get me out!

Oh,

help!

Help!

Get me out!

Ah!

Well, it won't be long now.

I'm used to this sort of thing,

you know.

That's quite all right, Your Worship.

Oh, yes.

Sorry to keep you all waiting.

It's a weakness of mine,

you know.

That's quite all right,

Lady Marys.

Frederick will tell you I have to get up four or five times during the night,

don't I?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm sure the matron has no wish to listen to our nocturnal habits,

Minadrid.

I didn't mean those sort of habits.

We haven't done anything like that for...

Yeah, could we please get on with it,

Matron?

Yes, yes, of course, Your Worship.

Well, this is the new nursery.

As you can see,

we've named it the Frederick Bumble Nursery.

I'm, of course, highly honoured, but I would have thought that...

Mrs.

Prudworthy, you know, as chairman of the hospital board...

Thank you, Your Worship,

but the committee felt the honour should go to you.

The commemoration plaque is at the far end.

Now, I must ask you all to be very quiet,

as the babies will all be asleep.

Oh, God bless their little hearts.

Just leave me, Lady! Just leave them there! Leave them!

Just

pull the cord when you're ready,

Your Worship.

Yes, of course, Matron, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Shh! Ladies and gentlemen,

it is with the greatest pride, oh,

nay, even with pride,

that I unveil this commemorative plaque

to mark the completion of this splendid

new nursery.

Oh,

responsible women!

Oh, my dear! Oh, my dear! Worship of many!

I'll help you! You will...

Who did this?

Shut up, you little devil!

Shut up!

Who did this?

I tell you, I've never been so humiliated.

And it's all your fault.

You and this wretched beauty contest.

Oh, come off it, Frederick.

I'll be all that serious.

But I tell you,

I was a laughingstock.

Even the babies were wetting themselves.

I wish we'd known.

We'd have had a photographer there.

You won't need any photos,

not with Augusta Prudworthy there.

It'll be all over the town by now.

I still think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Now, if you hadn't been wearing your underpants...

Yes,

it was ghastly enough, thank you.

Oh,

if you don't believe me,

ask her, she'll tell you.

Well, say something, woman.

Is there a latest,

Auntie? Oh, shut up!

I warn you, Fiddler, I will not be involved

in any more of your publicity stunts.

No more!

Pity about that, because he's got a good one lined up for you.

I do not care!

Come on, Mildred.

It would have done you a lot of good,

put you in a heroic light for a change.

Well, I don't wish to...

No,

but...

Huh?

How do you mean,

er...

heroic light?

You know lovers' walk,

where everybody goes for a snog?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

What about it?

This is it.

One of our girls goes for a walk,

is attacked,

has half her clothes torn off,

but is rescued in the nick of time by,

guess who?

Me.

What would I be doing there?

Well, you just happened to be there.

With your wife, of course.

Me?

Don't lovers' walk with her?

You must be raving mad.

He's got a point there,

Pete. I'll tell you what.

We'll fix you up with one of our girls.

How's that?

You are raving mad.

Don't let me get out of here.

Oh! Oh, it's you, Your Worship.

I didn't recognise you with your trousers on.

I...

Get out of...

Oh, dear.

Did I say something wrong?

So she'd notice.

You ever talk to Connie?

Yeah.

I tried to explain to her,

but she just wouldn't listen.

What do you expect?

She finds you and Hope practically naked in your bedroom together,

and you expect her to really believe that nothing happened.

I don't believe it myself.

I must be snippy.

That's silly.

I like to think a man can have a relationship with a woman,

which isn't just based on sex.

I fully agree.

She should have money as well.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

It's a fellow from the television studios.

He wants to talk to you.

Councillor Fiddler speaking.

Are you the person organising the beauty contest?

Yes, that's right.

Well, I'm...

...a special gay body.

You don't say.

I do women's things every weekday.

Aren't you lucky?

The magazine programme.

What did you have in mind?

Well, you know the kind of thing,

come down, interview some of the girls.

Oh, yes.

And I think that's a great idea,

and I should be very happy to lay it on for you.

We could come down this evening.

Six o'clock?

Fine.

By-z-wisey.

Oh, yes.

And by-z-wisey to you, too.

We're in.

I'm telling you, we're in.

They want to do a television bit on it.

On what?

Well, that's what we've got to sort out.

Now, then, it's got to be something sensational.

Now, then, think.

Hope, you've had a lot of experience in that.

What we want is some big surprise.

Nothing would surprise me in this game,

even if one of us turned out to be a man.

That's it.

That's it! I love you.

Didn't I tell you you were a genius?

Are you kidding?

No, no, no.

Can't you see it?

There are those girls all lined up,

being interviewed on the telly,

and their one-arrived looking absolutely fantastic.

And suddenly,

pop! Oh! One flat tyre.

You know, it could be kind of funny at that.

Well, there'd be money in the bank.

Pardon me, but aren't you overlooking one small point?

What?

None of our girls are men.

How do you know?

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Sid.

Well, all right.

We'll get a man to do it.

Oh, yes.

I'm sure the mayor would be only too willing to oblige.

I don't know.

I don't think we'd have to look very far, do you?

You know,

I think we might just about get away with it,

with a good wig and make-up.

And flat heels.

Oh, no.

No, I'm not having that.

Oh, come on, Pete.

What have you got to lose?

Nothing much, but I'm not losing it dressed as a woman.

Oh, Blimey, nobody will know it's you.

You can change back immediately after.

I'm not changing my sex for you or anybody else,

and that's flat.

No, no, definitely no.

Stop wiggling.

I can't help it.

I can hardly breathe in this damn thing.

Then don't breathe.

Oh, that's fine.

Don't move.

Stop breathing.

Why don't you just bury me and have done with it?

Here, that would be a good stunt.

We could have all the other girls as coffin bearers

with top hats and black armbands and a lily stuck up their...

There.

There.

Not bad.

I wish your knees weren't quite so knobbly,

though. Oh, I am sorry.

I'll go to the hospital and get myself de-nobbled.

Anything else you'd like me to have off while I'm at it?

HE GIGGLES

Here.

We could do with a little bit more padding up here, though.

That's all right.

We'll just get them to transplant the nobbles from my knees.

HE GIGGLES I'll do that,

Thorsy.

PHONE RINGS Hello?

Hello.

Is that Mrs.

Prodworthy?

Yes, it is.

Who is that?

Well, you won't know who this is,

but...

No, not much, you won't.

A kindly state to your business?

Well, this may come as a surprise to you,

but one of the entrants in the beauty competition is really a man.

Good heavens! Well, this is incredible!

Which one of them is it?

Well, I'm not prepared to say,

but if you're at the hotel at 6 o'clock,

you'll have a chance of finding out.

Did she swallow it?

Oh, lad, and sinker.

Good boy, Willie.

Well done.

Thank you.

Remember, not a word of this to anybody,

particularly Mr.

Potter.

Of course not, Mr.

Fiddler.

There we are, son.

That's very nice.

I won't forget.

Oh,

er,

Mr... Mr.

Fiddler, could you...

Ah!

Now,

what do you think you'll look best in?

A blackout.

Which would you prefer,

a short or a long one?

I'll think this one.

There you go.

Now, what do you think?

Do you know, it may sound kinky, but

I can fancy myself.

You wait till you see yourself in the dress.

Come up and simmish some time.

Who is it?

Me.

Sid.

Just a minute.

I'm not decent.

What am I saying?

How's he going?

You're lovely.

Oh, shut up! Oh, really?

I mean it.

Come here.

Get away from me,

you dirty old man!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, Sid, what do you think?

Absolutely perfect.

Look at that.

He'd fool anybody.

Until I open my big mouth.

But you don't open your big mouth.

The minute they twig that you're a bloke,

you get up back to your room and you get changed.

And what do I do to show him I am a bloke?

And if the answer to that is what I think it is,

it's no, I won't do it.

It's all right.

Don't worry.

Look, when I introduce you, you step forward,

trip, your wig flies off,

I scream, go! Blimey, it's a fella! Sensation.

Oh, very subtle.

Oh, goodness.

Give me this.

Oh, that's very nice.

Room 44.

Yeah.

I'll tell him.

Lovely.

The television people are here.

Great.

Here we go.

Now stop worrying.

Go on.

Get into your dress.

Here's a good girl.

What television interview?

I don't know anything about any interviews.

Excuse me, but we made arrangements with Mr Fiddler to film here at six o'clock.

In here?

Not in this dreary room.

We're not doing Bleak House.

Now, look here.

I refuse to stand here any longer and take any more of your...

All right, Tony, leave it to me.

I'll look after them.

Just get them out of here,

do you understand?

Out!

I'm not having any more of your little stunts.

Excuse us.

Connie, come on.

I can't just chuck them out.

Think of the publicity.

I mean, let's face it, we can't possibly get enough of it.

Really?

I was under the impression that you were getting more than enough of it.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry about that.

Mr Fiddler, we've come quite a long way,

and I'm really rather worn out.

Don't you look it?

Er, tired, I mean.

I'd like to get it over with.

Yes, well,

through here, please.

Oh, Albert, yeah.

Ah.

Perkins, nine,

three, six, four...

Hello, can I...

Won't keep you long.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

That's for...

Oh! Ha! They were...

Oh, it wasn't...

It was...

I was...

Sorry.

I'd like to see Mr Potter,

please.

Mr Potter?

Yes.

Just one moment.

I'll...

I'll...

I'll...

I'll...

I'll...

I'll give all...

Well, Mr Potter, won't keep you...

Well...

Er, Potter, yes, that's quite right.

It's room 43, fourth floor.

It's all right, don't you, Mother.

I'll give him a...

I'll give him a...

Give him a box for you.

Thank you.

Please, give me another one.

I'll give it back.

Ha! No, no, please don't bother.

I'd like to surprise him anyway.

Yes, well, it's room 43, fourth floor.

Oh, Joe, no.

Oh.

Oh! Oh! Oh.

I think we'd better go down a couple of flights

so you can get used to the frock.

Come on.

All right.

Quiet, everyone, please.

Ready whenever you are,

Mr Fiddler.

Well, hang on.

We've just got two more to come.

Excuse us.

Excuse us?

Here they are.

Up here, please.

Come on.

You clumsy cow! I'm awfully sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll do it myself.

Excuse me.

Miss Potter, would you get on the end of the line?

Be a darling, Miss Potter.

There we are.

All set.

Thank goodness for that.

Now, we'll start.

Now, come on, girls.

Don't forget.

Cheese, please.

Plenty of cheese.

Come on, throw away your thing and me bothers out.

Not right out, darling.

It's not an educational programme.

Yes, yes, yes, I know.

But even supposing if your information is correct,

I fail to see what we can do about it.

Inspector,

is there no law against a man masquerading as a woman?

Well, if it's with intent to defraud the public, yes, ma'am.

But he'd only be defrauding if he was offering something he hadn't got.

Well, he would be offering something he hasn't got.

Depends what he's offering.

Well, that is tricky.

Now, take this gentleman here.

He can dress up as a woman if he so wishes.

She is a woman.

Oh, well, that's different.

She can dress up as a man.

She is.

Oh, this is getting us nowhere.

Inspector,

is it or is it not fraud

if a man masquerades as a woman in order to win a prize?

Now, that would be an offence.

Then that is all we wish to know.

Come along.

And now, woman's things.

Take you to the darling seaside town

for an exclusive behind-the-scenes peep

at the drama in a typical beauty contest.

Stop!

Madam,

if you don't mind,

we are recording a television show.

You are recording a public scundrel.

That is what you're doing.

I beg your pardon.

I have every reason to believe that one of those women is a man.

Really?

Do tell.

Mrs.

Prawdworthy, you don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do.

I had an anonymous phone call.

Oh,

well, soon saw that out.

Girl, do you hear what the lady said?

If it's true, would the guilty one kindly step forward?

Satisfied, Mrs.

Prawdworthy?

Certainly not.

I demand that each one undergoes an examination.

Physical examination?

Exactly.

Well, it's up to them,

of course.

If it was me,

I would be only too happy to prove you wrong.

What do you say, girls?

What, strip off, you mean?

Just down to the undies.

That should be enough.

Well, I'm game.

Come on.

Miss Potter.

Keep shooting still, little bit, and safe.

Now, you too, Miss Potter.

Now, don't be shy, Miss Potter.

You want this?

That's him! Stop him, somebody!

Stop him!

Stop that person!

After him! After him! This way, me dear.

Over here.

Upstairs!

Upstairs!

Help!

How dare you! You thing, you!

Serves you right for trying,

you dirty old latcher.

Help!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God! Sorry, wrong room!

Peter, in here!

Get your own clothes on!

Come on, get them out soon!

Get your main colour on!

Excuse me.

Have you seen a,

uh, clothes...

woman up here?

Why, yes.

She came into my fiance's room a moment ago.

It's in there.

What is?

Don't ask me, sir.

All right, leave this to me, please.

Here.

I must ask you to open the door,

please.

This is the police.

Shh! Quick, on the bed.

How dare you burst in like that!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Sir?

We were looking for

a...

Sorry.

Come on.

Oh, you're wonderful!

Peter!

Oh,

no!

I can't do it.

I can't do it. You should see the way they're pouring in out there.

It's even better than we bargained for.

You bargained for, you mean?

You're not still sure about what happened,

are you?

Oh, no, I'm chuffed to bits.

I've lost my fiance.

I nearly get raped by a sex-starved admiral.

And if it hadn't been for Hope,

I'd probably be in jail by now.

Oh, it was her idea,

wasn't it, all that rumpo on the bed?

Well, it certainly wasn't mine.

What are you complaining about?

You ought to consider yourself dead lucky you got anywhere near her.

I know I would.

I've got nothing against her.

It's just that I happen to be in love with Paula.

Oh, forget it.

She'll come back.

They always do.

You look at old Connie.

Last night, she wouldn't speak to me.

Today, you watch.

She'll be all over me.

Hello, darling.

Doing all right out there, eh?

Told you they'd come flocking in, didn't I?

All over you.

And from a great height.

And that's exactly how it all happened,

believe it or not.

I suppose Peter asked you to come and tell me all this.

Oh,

no, he doesn't know I'm here.

But he was so upset,

I thought I ought to try and straighten things out for him.

You really mean that this mysterious Patricia Potter was Peter?

Yes.

The silly fool.

What made him do it?

Oh, it wasn't his idea.

Sid talked him into it.

Yes, from what I've heard about him,

I can well believe that.

Oh, Sid's not so bad.

He's really quite nice when you get to know him.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were keen on him.

Now you come to mention it.

Neither did I.

There's the thing.

Look,

are we the only two who know Peter was this girl?

Yeah, why?

Well, if Peter can be a beauty queen,

I'm damn sure I can.

Do you think I stand a chance?

Yeah.

Here, you'll be the greatest.

Ha-ha!

Millenrand!

Millenrand!

Ha-ha!

Ha! That should do it good.

Now, perhaps you will get dressed.

Why?

The car will be here soon.

We are due at the fire station at 10 o'clock.

What for?

To inspect their new fire engine.

Should be exciting.

I'll be right back.

Will you please go to the toilet

before we leave?

I don't think I'll bother,

thank you.

I don't feel like looking at fire engines.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Those firemen are expecting you to be there with me.

What am I going to tell them?

Tell them there's more than one way to put a fire out.

That's exactly how I feel about their new engine.

The degrading spectacle is due to take place at 3 p.m.

on Saturday in the Pier Theatre.

And our primary objective now is to ensure that it does not.

Hear, hear! Now for your orders, then.

Now, this is a plan of the Pier and the Theatre.

And each one of you section leaders will be in command of one area of the offensive.

I must stress that the success of the whole operation depends on surprise.

And I must ask you to regard this briefing as top secret.

Right.

I think there's someone in the outer office.

Aha!

All right.

Come in here.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to disturb anything.

Mrs.

Bumble,

what are you doing here?

Please,

sir.

I'd like to join up.

Rosemary,

get the candle.

Right.

It's a deal.

Three o'clock in the Pier Theatre on Saturday.

And thank you, Mr.

Gaybody.

How about that, Pete?

5,000 quid for the exclusive television rights.

Marvellous.

What are you looking so worried about, then?

Do you realize we haven't seen those women's lip-pickets out all day today?

So what?

We got them licked and they know it.

Yeah, but why should they choose to stop now?

That is women's fundamental weakness,

matey.

They never know when to stop.

Now, don't worry.

All plain sailing from now on.

Yes, Inspector, what can I do for you?

Excuse me, sir, but we've had information to the effect

that this Patricia Potter is here again.

That's impossible.

He's here.

That's what I said,

sir.

But he can't.

She can't be.

William said she booked into Miss Spring's room an hour ago.

What the hell's going on here?

Perhaps we'd better find out,

sir. You're dead right, matey.

We will find out.

Oh! Oh, hello,

Sid.

Excuse me, darling, but the Inspector seems to think that you've got Patricia Potter in here.

Yes, that's right.

You have?

I'd like to see him, please, Miss.

You mean her?

I'd like to see him or her, please.

Okay,

come in.

Someone to see you, Patricia.

Yes?

You are Miss Patricia Potter?

That's right.

Is that the one what was here before, Cookson?

I think so, sir.

I'm sorry about running away like I did,

but you see, I hadn't got my best aunties on.

Oh, yes.

You still intend to enter for this beauty contest?

Of course.

Why shouldn't I?

Because we have reason to believe that you are of the male sex.

Oh, well, really.

Do I look like a man?

These days, it's very often difficult to tell.

What about you?

Do you think I'm male?

I'd rather not say.

Well, there's only one way of proving I'm not,

I suppose.

No, no, no, don't do that.

It's all right.

I've got something on underneath.

Is that enough?

Yes.

Thank you, Miss.

I must apologise.

I'm perfectly satisfied.

All right, Cookson, come along.

Nice work, darling.

Hey!

What about you, Peter?

Are you perfectly satisfied?

No,

but I bloody well assume we'll be.

By the...

Oh, dear.

And by this action...

And by this action...

I, Mildred Bumble...

Publicly proclaim my equality to man...

Publicly proclaim my equality to man...

And hereby cast aside the bonds of womanhood.

And hereby cast aside the bonds of womanhood.

Proceed.

Proceed.

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, come, the fire brigade's on!

This is indeed a proud day for the Furcombe Fire Brigade.

Hmm?

Very nice.

Thank you, Your Worship.

I repolish you.

What is this?

That's the bell, sir.

Oh, yes.

You high-speed foes.

Well, well, I must say it all looks very,

very efficient to me.

What, might I ask, is all this, then?

Well, amongst other things, Your Worship, this house is the lifeline.

The lifeline?

Yes.

You see, when any of the men are entering a smoking building or suchlike,

well, first of all, they attach one of these hooks to their belts.

So...

Oh, I see.

Very good.

Yes.

Like this?

That's right.

Excuse me, Your Worship.

I'd like to take a photograph of that.

Oh, certainly, my boy, certainly.

Good heavens.

What was that?

That's the alarm, I'm afraid, Your Worship.

Soggle-ougle-ougle.

Uh,

fifty pence, please.

Oh, for quid! Plenty.

It'll have to be good.

Oh, I can assure you,

I'll never see anything like this again.

Great, innit?

I didn't expect a crowd like this.

Be sold out soon.

Thanks for offering to help,

Con. Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything,

Sydney.

Well, you can't say I haven't worked for it.

Now, I can truthfully say you're gonna get everything you deserve.

Well, I gotta get up to the theatre now.

Just make sure that all this money's locked up nice and safe when you're finished.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll take good care of it.

That's my girl.

You'd better keep your eye on that lock.

We don't want any trouble.

Don't worry,

sir. None of them will get past us.

Good lad.

Yes!

I'm looking for Paula,

Miss Patricia Potluck.

All right, darling, I'll come out.

Just a tick.

Enjoying the view?

Oh, sorry.

What is it, darling?

Paula,

I don't want you to take part in this.

Oh, darling, I'm enjoying it.

And I might even win.

I can't help that.

I can't stand the thought of all those people out there

leering at you and mentally undressing you.

They won't have to strain their mentality much in this outfit.

You're not going out there in that.

Why don't you think it's suitable?

Suitable?

You're showing your

button.

My what?

Your button, that.

Oh,

is that bad?

Don't you understand there are certain things a woman just doesn't show in public?

Yes, but I didn't think that was one of them.

My mother always told me...

I don't care what your mother always told you.

You're not going out there in that.

Peter, you don't own me,

you know.

Oh, yes, I damn well do.

When people meet my wife,

I'm not going to have them say,

there's the woman with the well-known button.

Yes, darling.

Let's see now.

How would it be if I wore this bit down there?

Well, that might...

Oh, darling,

I'm going to marry you.

Don't worry, darling.

I'll try and find something more respectable.

Sunray to A.

Abel.

Commence Operation Nubble.

Roger.

And out.

Five minutes, girls.

Excuse me.

Where are you wearing bunches,

Arden?

I love you.

I love you too.

All right, friend.

Now, all I want from you is a few well-chosen words to start outing off,

right?

Oh, yes, quite, yes.

I had thought of something along these lines,

you see.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

That's great.

Just enough.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Are you going to wish me luck?

You won't need it,

darling.

Oh, you reckon?

I know.

I'm going to have a word with the judges.

They're all mates of mine.

You great,

big, stupid ape.

What's the matter?

Well, you think you can go through life fixing things,

even me?

Well, you're dead wrong.

If I do, then it's not going to be with any help from you.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, come here.

Oh, just a minute.

Don't you see, I'm trying to do something nice for you.

Well, if you want to do something nice,

just wish me luck.

I do, but even luck needs a bit of a shove,

doesn't it?

Oh, you'll never change, will you?

No, Sid, but thanks all the same.

All right,

good luck.

Do you mind?

This is private.

And this is for ladies, Clopin.

Oh, good.

Good afternoon, madam.

And although this venture has not been welcomed

by some of our more retrogressive residents,

I venture to say,

nay,

nay,

I more than venture,

I proudly say...

I proudly say...what?

You ready, Fred?

I'll introduce you.

Oh, no, not quite.

Yes, all right, Fred.

APPLAUSE Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this, the very first Miss Fergham Beauty Contest.

Now, I am highly delighted to be able to tell you

that all the contestants you will see here today

represent the very cream of their profession.

And cream, let me tell you,

that comes in the most magnificent containers.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Now, before we go any further,

I'd like you to meet the man

who has given unstintingly of his time to Fergham

your own distinguished mayor,

Alderman Bumble.

Ahem.

Clear me throat.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Get him up!

Get him up!

Get him up! That's your luck, Fred.

Don't overdo it.

It gives me great pleasure to be here.

Check it out.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Now,

I think it's time for you to meet

our distinguished panel of judges,

who, I am pleased to tell you,

have given their services entirely free.

Now, first of all, we have Miss Carlotta Strong,

principal of the Fergham School of Ballroom Dancing, Miss Charleston, 1932.

Second,

Mr Alf Foggett, landlord of the Royal Oak.

Alf?

CHEERING CHEERING

And finally, ladies and gentlemen,

none other than Mr Roger Tipson,

your own borough sanitary engineer.

Fffft!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, now comes the moment you've all been waiting for.

The grand parade of all our lovely contestants,

introduced to you by Mr Peter Potter.

CHEERING

Our first contestant this afternoon is a young lady

who is the present holder of the title,

mystery queen,

Dawn Breaks.

Thank you, Dawn.

Next, we have a young lady who is a late,

but nonetheless very welcome,

entrant to the contest,

Miss Patricia Potter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sure.

Thank you, Miss Potter.

Third, we have a very popular young lady who is the current holder of the title, Miss Easy Rider,

Hope Springs. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's your matter with her?

She got fleas, I'm telling

you.

They all have.

Well done, Section A.

Get the next one on quick.

Contestant number four, Geraldine Payne.

Section B, Commence Downfall.

Roger.

That's more like it.

What's happening here for pizza?

Oh!

BUZZER

And now for a lady from...

Oh!

..London, Miss Susan Brooks.

APPLAUSE So...

CHEERING

Oh, my God.

Get the rest of them on quick.

Miss Eileen Denby.

CHEERING Miss Maureen...

..Versal.

CHEERING Miss Gloria Grimes.

Miss Mary Barber.

Miss Alexis Fetcher.

Miss...

Sunray to all sections.

Commence cloudburst.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please, there is no need to panic.

Now, if you'll all stand and keep your feet,

we will endeavour to find out what has gone wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please, this is your mayor speaking to you.

I know how terribly disappointed you must all be,

but we mustn't let you get

yourself...

..down the pubs! Abandon ship!

It's all right, ladies and gentlemen.

Keep you safe.

Oh, shive off! It's a swindle!

This bit, look! Come on, let's get it! It's all right.

Goodbye.

There he is!

Look out! He's gone right into the air! Sid,

wait for me!

Thanks, Sid.

This will pay for all my hotel damages.

Connie.

Love.

Love the crooked old cow!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop there! Not bloody likely.