Original subtitles

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

Theme music: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow, it floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat, promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on new romance.

And love, won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love, welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Captain stubing: Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Hi Mac.

My, what a beautiful ship.

Thank you.

I'm captain stubing.

Assistant purser Smith.

Dr. Yates.

Gopher: Ah, medical man, heh?

Yates: No, I'm a psychologist.

I specialize in group therapy.

Oh, with my crew, I sometimes feel like i'm

in the same kind of work.

I can understand why you need a vacation.

Oh, I like what I do.

But it's nice to get away from your patients once in a while.

Surprise.

My word, that's my 8 pm on Thursday group

come to see me off.

Group, this is captain stubing, assistant purser Smith.

Hello.

Hello.

This is Bertha Finch.

How do you do, Ms. Finch?

How do you do?

Your shirt needs starched.

And this is Darlene Potter.

Well, I'm delighted to meet you.

Oh, I'd prefer you didn't.

Darlene, come on, it's only your hand.

That's the way it always starts.

This is Floyd loomis.

Hi-ya captain.

You got kind of a crummy ship here.

Yeah, it is sort of rundown.

Oh, I love it.

I think it's just beautiful.

On second thought, it is kind of nice.

Yeah, and this is Norman quigley.

Well, it's nice of you all to come and see me off.

Oh, we're not here to see you off.

We're going on the cruise with you.

You what?

Yeah.

Come on, let's go find our cabins.

They're probably crummy too.

Oh, sure.

Well, they seem to be rather attached to you.

I guess a good therapist is hard to find.

I hope not.

After this cruise, I may need one.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Doc, a little heavy on the Cologne this morning,

aren't you?

Yeah, I got carried away.

I wanted everything to be perfect for Linda.

Linda, isn't that the lady you've

been raving about for weeks.

I would have raved about her for months,

but unfortunately I haven't known her that long.

Linda--

Adam--

Linda, oh, this is Isaac Washington,

the wizard of our ship's bar.

And Isaac, Linda gammon.

How do you do?

I've arranged to put you in cabin 121, fiesta deck.

I'll meet you as soon as we sail.

Great, I'll go freshen up.

Yeah.

Well, doc, now I see why you were raving.

Hi, I'm Paula Hastings.

Well, hello, welcome aboard.

I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

Let's see, you're on the promenade

deck, cabin 136, miss Hastings.

Oh, please, Paula.

Paula Hastings, the Broadway director?

"I'll never say no again," and "the waiting game," gee,

I'm a big fan of yours.

Hi, welcome aboard, I'm Vicki stubing.

I'm Barry weldon.

I was beginning to feel a little strange being

single on this Noah's arc.

Looks like everyone else is paired up.

Oh, that's just an optical illusion,

you won't be alone for long.

On second thought, alone is sounding better by the minute.

Just what I need, Barry weldon.

Someone you know?

Well, you could say that.

I have a auditioned this poor guy for three different shows

and turned him down for every one.

Oh, boy.

Oh boy, is right.

What I don't need on this trip is

a sulky actor giving me the evil eye every time I turn around.

Well, there are lots of others available.

Well, let's hope so.

Because if Barry weldon is the only single man around,

it's going to be a very lonely cruise.

Oh, here you are, aloha 217, Mr. Weldon.

Enjoy your cruise.

Well, I'm sure I will, especially if everybody

here is as nice as you.

Unfortunately, of course, everybody isn't.

Excuse me, do you know the way to the fiesta deck.

No, but I'm sure going to find out.

I can work it out.

I have the soul of an explorer.

What a combination.

An explorer's souls and an angel's face.

[Music playing]

Uncle Adam.

Danny.

The prodigal nephew has arrived.

It's great to see, Danny.

But I thought that ticket I sent you was for next month,

for your birthday.

Well I had some time between semesters,

so I exchanged the ticket for this cruise.

That's strange.

I talked to your dad on the phone yesterday.

He didn't say a thing about it.

Oh I asked him not to.

I thought it'd be nice if I could surprise you.

It was nice, but I just hope I have the time to entertain

you the way I'd like to.

I'm going to be pretty busy this cruise.

Oh, that's all right, unc--

I just met someone I hope will keep me busy too.

Oh, chip off the old block, huh?

[Ship horn]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

Ahem.

We would like to apologize for surprising you, Dr. Yates.

And we want you to know that while you're on this cruise,

we are not going to bother you at all.

Well, that's a very mature attitude, Darlene.

I think your therapy is having a good effect.

Oh, it is.

It is.

[Inaudible]

There, my goodness, this bar looks like it

hasn't been wiped in ages.

Excuse me, but I just cleaned that bar five minutes ago.

See, I was right.

Floyd: You know something, doc, my cabin is so small,

you could use a monocle for a porthole.

Yeah, mine too.

Darlene: We all have the same size cabins,

and mine has plenty of room.

Mine took small, but spacious.

Excuse me, Mr. quigley, there's

a telephone call for you, and you

can use that phone right there.

Well, thank you.

Sure.

Hello, this is Norman quigley.

Hello, mother.

Yeah, I got on the 6-8.

Again, with the mother.

Yes, I'll, I'll wear my sweater if it gets

chilly, and your socks, ma'am.

What am I going to do about the men on this cruise, doctor?

Oh, I know, they're going to be attracted by my body,

and then they'll use me and leave me like all the others.

You haven't even met anybody and already you're dumped.

Look, we're all on vacation.

Now why don't we just relax?

Enjoy the sun, go for a swim.

That's a great idea.

Where do you keep the pool cleaner?

[Laughter]

This is great, a floating hotel.

I'm so glad you talked me into taking this cruise.

Well, I'm delighted you could make it.

Linda, now that we're alone, may I tell you

how long I've been waiting--

hi, unc, is this one of your duties?

Linda, this handsome youth is my nephew, Danny,

the family pride, and shoo-in as valedictorian

of his graduating class.

Now, I still have two years to go.

I'm not worried, you've always accomplished

everything you set out to do.

Doc, I really hate to bother you when it's not office hours,

but it's Mrs. Hudson again.

Oh, poor Mrs. Hudson.

This is her fourth cruise, her fourth bon voyage party, and

her fourth monumental hangover.

Take care of Linda, Danny, make sure she's not bored.

My pleasure, unc.

Come on.

Excuse us.

What a great uncle I have to introduce me

to the most beautiful girl in the ship,

the one I haven't been able to get off my mind.

I see Adam's charm runs in the family.

Have you know my uncle long?

No, we met at a party recently.

That's when he talked me into trying the cruise.

And you did, a woman of adventure, dauntless, not

afraid to cross new horizons.

Let's explore, Linda, let's live each moment to the fullest.

Yes.

How about a game of shuffleboard.

Ok.

Barry: Now, have you ever had a drink that looks like it

was made by a mad florist?

You probably don't remember me.

Oh, you're far too modest.

How cold I forget an actor I turned

down for three different shows?

Four.

Not to mention your Australian accent.

Well, none of that matters anymore.

I'm an ex-actor now.

Oh?

How did that happen?

Well, it was after the last edition.

I was ready to go home, change into my sincere suit

and then throw myself off the empire state building,

leaving behind a heart rending note, blaming you,

of course, for the tragedy.

And after that little speech, you expect me to drink that?

Barry: See it's harmless.

Actually, I came over here to thank you.

Thank me?

For what?

Barry: Getting me out of the business.

I'm a stockbroker now.

And if I do so say so myself, pretty good at it.

Barry, just to clear the air, there wasn't anything

personal in those turndowns.

I know that.

Paula: It's just that a lot of money rides on my judgment.

And when you read for those parts,

you just didn't convince me.

Hey, it's all in the past.

But I'd like to convince you of something

now, like letting me your dinner companion.

Ok, you got the part.

Oh, that was a terrific game.

I admire a good player.

Thank you, most men are so threatened if they lose.

Oh, there's no reason to be.

I mean, if you're good, you're good.

You know, the girls I meet in school preach liberation,

but when they meet a real man they fall all over themselves

to please him.

You know, I used to be that way.

I even married young and supported my husband

until he finished law school.

His first action was to file our divorce papers.

That's pretty rough.

So I decided to put myself through law school.

I graduate next year, and then I'm on my way.

Oh, bravo.

Now, see, there's another thing that we have in common.

With enthusiasm like yours, i'm betting on you to be the chief

justice of the supreme court.

Well, the court rules that we play another game.

Popular decision, and what kind of game

did you have in mind?

Shuffleboard.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Sorry, I'm late.

But so worth waiting for.

You look absolutely spectacular.

Well, thank you.

You know, if you were still an actor,

I'd get the feeling I was being buttered up.

Then take it you a stockbroker, you're blue chip.

There's Dr. Yates.

I think you're group is trying to get your attention, doctor.

[Laughter]

They're waving again.

Doctor, now they're waving their napkins.

[Laughter]

You better get over there before they

go for the table cloth.

Excuse me.

You didn't have to come over, doctor.

I know I didn't have to.

I wanted to.

Oh, by the way, are the glasses clean at your table?

Floyd: You know something, you didn't

have to pay for this cruise.

You could have signed on as a dishwasher.

Look, I know it's perfectly natural for you

to stick together.

After all, you've been in group for a long time.

But I think it's time you spread your wings, learn to express

yourselves individually.

I like your hair.

Oh, thank you.

I do too.

Oh, thank you.

I liked it better with curlers.

I did too.

Have a nice evening.

Dr. Yates is right.

We should do something on our own.

Well, I am.

I'm going to call my mother.

I'm sorry, I've been tied up all day.

Thanks, Danny, for looking after Linda.

Right, unc.

Oh, Adam, Danny's terrific.

And so are you.

There you go, Linda.

Thank you.

[Laughter]

With your permission, i'd like to propose a toast.

By all means.

To Dr. Adam bricker, who has made my weekend.

Not only did he introduce me to this wonderful cruise,

but he also introduced me to his wonderful nephew, Danny.

[Laughter]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

[Music playing]

Do you believe in magic?

Of course.

Magic is when a backer runs in with a million dollar check

to produce a play you have to trying to get

on the boards for a year.

Magic is when your play a smash in spite of lousy reviews.

Magic is when--

Barry: Magic is when a fairy Princess

makes time stand still.

Oh, Barry, haven't you learned yet?

The clock always strikes midnight.

And the coach always turns back into a pumpkin.

This is my dream, and I said the clock

never reaches midnight.

You really believe it can happen, don't you?

Damn right.

I'll make it happen.

Good evening.

Would you care to dance?

And after that, a stroll in the moonlight?

And then to your cabin?

Well, if you insist.

I don't believe the lady wants to dance with you.

I think I'd like to hear that from the lady myself.

Get lost.

Thank you.

Norman, thank you for coming to my protection.

The music is lovely, isn't it?

Are you kidding?

I've heard better sounds than that coming out of a cat fight.

Yeah, me too.

I like it.

It's very romantic.

Yeah, I was going to say that next, kind

of a romantic cat fight.

Do you like to dance?

Sure.

I just don't know anybody on the ship well enough to ask.

Well there are people at this table you know.

That's true.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, and if I step on your shoes, don't worry,

I'll Polish them later.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Well.

Yeah?

I think they're moving a little too fast.

Oh, come on, doc.

Now all I see is a charming, lovely lady, who's

being very kind to your nephew.

I bet she's just dying to have you rescue her.

Oh maybe you're right.

May I?

Oh, by all means.

Thank you.

Danny's such a smooth dancer.

Of course, I was the one who gave him

pointers on his first junior high sock hop.

[Music playing]

Oh, I'm sorry, I zigged when I should have zagged.

That's all right.

Yeah, excuse me.

Ah, come on, doc.

I know how you feel.

I'm sure it's not what it looks like.

What does it look like?

It looks like lovers run in your family.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Dr. Yates.

Oh, hi, Norman.

Having a good time?

Well, sort of.

You want to talk about it?

Well, there's this girl.

And I like her.

I mean, I really like her, but I don't know how to approach her.

Well, lots of men have that problem.

What do you usually do when you find a woman that attracts you?

Call my mother.

We have to change that.

You need to become more assertive.

Right, more assertive.

How?

Well, speak up, take command of the situation.

If this woman's important to you,

find ways to let her know how you feel.

I'll do it.

Thank you, doctor, you've been very helpful.

If any of the other group needs to talk to you,

I'll tell them you're here.

Oh, fine, Norman.

[Laughter]

[Knock on door]

Come on in, hon.

Well, thanks, darling, I just couldn't stay away.

Hi, unc.

Hey, Danny.

Danny, do you mind telling me what's

going on with you and Linda?

Ah, just the usual boy-girl stuff.

Ah, there's the problem.

It's boy-woman stuff.

Danny, you're too young for her.

Uncle Adam, I didn't ask you for your advice,

and I really don't think this subject concerns you.

Oh, it concerns me all right.

Danny, I don't know if you realize it or not,

but I invited Linda on this cruise as my date.

No, I didn't realize that.

Gee, I'm sorry if I cut in on your girl.

Hey, it's all right.

You're very understanding, uncle Adam.

Well, you've always been one of my favorite--

Danny: And I hate doing this to you.

Doing this?

Doing what?

Well, Linda and I. We have a good thing going.

Danny, she's 10 years older than you.

She's 10 years younger than you.

And none of us has anything to do with age.

You're just trying to get me out of the way.

Oh, you're being ridiculous.

Danny: No, I'm not.

You still see me as a kid.

Well, Linda sees me as a man.

The point is I saw her first.

Oh, now who sounds like a kid?

Now, look, Danny, I came in here hoping you

and I could have a man to man talk.

Well, there's nothing to talk about.

From now on, it's every man for himself.

[Music playing]

[Laughter]

Oh, doctor, I know I said I wouldn't bother you,

but please, do you have a moment?

Yes, Darlene, I have a moment.

Is something bothering you?

Yes, I finally met a man who isn't interested in my body.

Well, isn't that what you always wanted?

Yes.

But not being interested in my body

is one thing, ignoring it is another.

He won't even dance with me.

Well, maybe he was shy.

Do you really care for this man?

Oh, yes, very much.

Yates: Well, then it's up to you to let him know.

Darlene: How?

Do what women have been doing since time began.

Society's only catching up to it today.

But men have always approached me first.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Show him, let them know that you care.

Do little things, Darlene.

He'll get the message.

I will.

I'll start showing him first thing in the morning.

Good.

Oh, doctor, I knew I could count on you--

oh, gosh.

I wonder if it's too late to call my mother?

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Barry, why me?

I mean, there are lots of other available ladies on this ship.

Yes, but how many of them believe in magic?

Look, I know you said that it's all in the past

and it doesn't bother you anymore,

but I gave you a very rough time.

Florence nightingale you weren't.

Ok, when you said that i'd never make it as an actor

and that I should go out and get an honest job,

you damn near destroyed me.

The iron lady strikes again.

Oh, didn't you know, that's what they call me.

I didn't think you knew.

Listen, Barry, it's just that in my career,

I have to call them as I see them.

I mean if you don't have talent, you

don't belong in the theatre.

Look, I understand.

Do you?

Do you really?

You're the one that said it.

They're are lots of other available ladies on this boat,

but I'm here with you.

Yes, you are.

And I'm here because beneath that iron lady exterior there's

a soft, warm female, who's not nearly

as tough as she thinks she is.

Right now, I don't think I care why you're here with me,

I'm just glad you are.

So am I.

I know it's late, but I don't want to go to bed.

I do.

[Music playing]

Good morning, doctor.

Oh, good morning, captain, sit down and have a cup of coffee.

Thank you.

Well, have you had a chance to relax?

Not much.

Next time I'm going to book a bigger ship.

Bigger?

I need more places to hide.

Your therapy group, I presume.

Have you seen any progress since they've been aboard.

Actually, yes, a couple of our people

have developed a romantic interest.

I think the cruise has been very good for them.

How about you?

I plan to jump overboard right after breakfast.

[Laughter]

Oh, Norman, can I butter your toast for you?

Don't get any crumbs on the table, I just cleaned it.

What about Dr. Yates, maybe you should butter his toast.

He can butter his own.

So can I.

Some people just don't seem to get the message.

Doc: Good morning, Linda.

Linda: Good morning, Adam, how are you?

Just fine.

I'd be better if it weren't for Danny.

Danny?

Is he all right?

Sure, he just has this wild delusion

that you two are an item.

What's so wild about it?

He's a very charming and attractive man.

Man, he's barely out of his adolescence.

Well, he might lack your maturity,

but he's like you in every other way.

Linda, how can you compare a boy of 20

to a man of my experience?

Adam, now you know that I find you very attractive.

Yes?

But there's something so exciting about Danny.

Really?

What's that?

Oh, his youth, his vitality, his exuberance.

Whenever I'm with him, he makes me feel like a schoolgirl.

Would it help if I offered you a game of hopscotch?

He also has your sense of humor.

He also has my girl.

[Music playing]

I never look that happy in the morning.

What's your secret?

I can tell you in two words, Barry weldon.

The guy you've been trying to avoid?

Yes, well, not any more.

Oh, Julie, I'm in love.

No.

Yeah, he's wonderful.

Oh, well, looks like Mr. Wonderful

is about to make an entrance, excuse me.

See you later.

Mm hmm.

Good morning, do you mind if I give you a good morning kiss?

That's not necessary.

Well, I know it's not necessary, I just want to.

Barry, is something wrong?

I mean I don't want to be pushy, but last night was

the greatest night of my life.

And you made me think--

made you think what?

That it was very special for you too.

Oh, it was, Paula, very special.

Probably the best acting job of my life.

You were acting?

Hey, you believed me.

That's quite a compliment coming from the iron lady.

I guess it was a pretty good audition.

Audition.

Number five.

And you mean all these about leaving the business

and becoming a financial advisor, it was all a lie?

Well, you see, every good actor needs

a background for his character.

Yes, of course.

Was I convincing?

I mean, come on, you've always been free and easy

with your comments in the past.

Was I convincing?

Yes, you were very convincing.

Norman: I know you're in there, doctor.

[Laughter]

I want to talk to you, doctor, and I'm going

to take the bull by the tail.

You mean by the horns.

Well, I've never done it before.

[Laughter]

Are you in love with Darlene?

Darlene?

Me?

I saw you two kissing on the deck last night

and it looked pretty passionate.

Passionate?

Is Darlene the woman you're interested in?

She gave me a kiss because I was helping her with a problem.

It was a friendly kiss, harmless.

Yeah, well, it gave me a headache.

Well, if you're that interested in her,

why don't you go after her?

I don't know.

We had an argument.

And I don't know whether she's interested or not?

Well, make her interested.

Be aggressive.

Aggressive?

I didn't even get a chance to be assertive.

Why don't tell her how you feel?

I think you might be surprised at her reaction.

I will.

I don't know much about being aggressive.

Maybe I ought to talk it over with my mother.

On second thought, maybe I won't.

[Laughter]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

Doc, is that you?

Yeah.

How do I look?

Words fail me.

Youthful, vital, exuberant?

Interesting.

That's the word, interesting.

Yeah, there are lots of other words too, doc.

Yeah, I don't want to hear them.

Here, now you can look interesting.

Hi.

Hi.

What you doing?

Holding Danny's drink so he won't get

thirsty doing his sit-ups.

Wouldn't it be easier if you just stopped

and finished your drink?

Well I can't, don't want to make my case.

That's the trouble with youth.

Everything in life is a sprint.

You don't realize it's endurance that really counts.

Here, let me show you.

First let me catch up.

How many has he done so far?

I'm not sure, I lost count about 253.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Isaac: Hi, doc.

Isaac.

Well Darlene, did that man you like and you have a fight?

How did you know?

Oh, just a wild guess.

Well, I did what you told me.

I tried to get him interested in me.

I even tried doing little things for him.

But he rejected me.

Well, maybe there was just a misunderstanding.

Maybe.

Right now, I wouldn't even mind if he

was interested in my body.

Well, that's a healthy sign.

Why don't you go talk to Norman?

How did you know it was Norman?

I'm a psychologist.

We have ways of knowing those things.

Oh, don't give up, Darlene.

Give it another try.

Maybe he doesn't want to.

Well, give him a chance.

If he doesn't make the first move, you make it.

Be aggressive.

Aggressive?

That's advice I give to my special patients.

I'll do my best, doctor.

Oh, thank you.

I'll settle for a handshake.

[Music playing]

This is the script for a new play I'm directing.

There's a part in it you'd be wonderful for.

If you want it, rehearsals start in six weeks.

If you don't, just mail the script back to the office.

What a trip.

Boy, this cruise goes high on my list of good times, next

to the last voyage of the Titanic.

Why don't you stop complaining?

Why don't you stop cleaning?

Boy, being with you is like being with a walking mop.

What's wrong with cleanliness.

Nothing, but, boy you could make the Dutch people

feel like litterbugs.

Yeah, well, you make Howard cosell

sound like the Brady bunch.

Want to make a deal till the end of the cruise?

Yeah.

I'll stop complaining, if you stop cleaning.

You're on.

Oh, boy, is this going to be a dull trip.

And a dirty one.

[Music playing]

Hi, Adam, catching up with a little preventive medicine?

Oh, yeah, but this kind could prevent

me from living out the day.

What in the world have you done to yourself?

Oh, about 253 sit-ups.

Aha, keeping up with Danny, hmm?

Well, Linda was watching.

Adam, don't you think competing with a 20-year-old

is a little foolish?

No.

I think it's a lot foolish.

You know, if you have to jump through hoops for Linda,

maybe she's not the right one for you.

Of course, you're right.

And you know what the worst part is,

she's driven a gigantic wedge between Danny and me.

It's not too late to patch things up, is it?

Not if I drop out of the Linda sweepstakes.

That way Danny and I can be friends again

and he can go back to college with pleasant memories

of a shipboard romance.

Excellent idea.

Well, I better iron out my hairs.

Hello, captain.

Hi, unc.

Danny.

Danny, I've been thinking, it's silly for us

to fight over a woman, so I'm dropping

out of the competition.

From now on, Linda's all yours.

You mean it?

Sure.

I don't have a chance against a tiger like you anyway.

Thanks, unc.

You're really making this a lot easier to say.

I'm dropping out of school and i'm

moving to la to be with Linda.

Thanks again.

Oh.

If that was an excellent idea, i'd

hat to hear are a lousy one.

[Music playing]

May I sit down?

I think not.

Have you read it?

Three times.

And--

you must know it's a great play, I mean,

a really great one.

Yes, I do know.

The role of Gordon, is that what you had in mind for me?

Yes.

It's an actor's dream, a once in a lifetime role.

It could make your a star overnight.

I know.

All right, I'll have the producer

get in touch with your agent when I get back.

Don't bother, thanks anyway.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm not taking the job.

You're turning it down?

Well, I thought that you liked the part.

Like it, I loved it.

I'd give my right arm for it.

Well, then why?

Barry: It's not important.

Good night, Paula.

[Music playing]

Thank you for inviting me to take a walk, Norman.

Thank you for accepting.

I had a lovely evening.

So did I

that hurt.

Yes,

yes, but it was nice.

What are you thinking about?

My mother, for the first time I can't

wait to tell her something.

You're right, it can wait.

[Music playing]

Danny, where are you taking me?

The one spot on this ship that's

perfect for what I want to do.

If you want to kiss me, I can think of a hundred

perfect spots to do it in.

Thank you, I'll remember that.

But right now, there's something I want you to have.

What are you doing?

I'm showing the woman I love how I feel about her.

Oh, Danny--

what's the matter.

I can't accept a gift like that.

Well, you should save that for someone

you're planning a future with.

But I am planning a future with you.

I'm quitting school and I'm moving

to la so we can be together.

Danny, I don't know how to tell you this,

but if you move to la, we're not going to be together.

At this point in my life, I'm not interested in getting

serious with anyone.

But hasn't this cruise meant anything to you?

Well, of course it has.

I've had a great time with you, Danny, and I really like you.

But I'm afraid that when this cruise is over, so are we.

Oh, Danny, I didn't mean to hurt you.

Hey, don't worry about it.

When you're young, you bounce back easily.

[Music playing]

May I come in?

Sure.

I have been going over and over it in my head,

and I cannot figure out how you could

possibly turn down that part.

Look, I said before, it was unimportant.

So let's just forget about it, ok?

Barry, I want an answer.

I think you owe me that.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.

Somebody once said that revenge is supposed to be sweet.

I mean, when you set out to hurt somebody

that you hate, you ought to feel pretty good about it, huh, hmm?

Yeah.

Well how come it is that I don't feel that way.

How come it is that I feel worse now

than I've ever felt in my life.

I sat down and thought about it, and it

was actually quite simple.

I don't hate you at all.

I love you.

It's the reason I can't take your job.

I couldn't work with you without telling you that I loved you.

And if I did, well, you'd just simply

think I was saying that because you gave me the part.

And if I thought that you thought that that

was the reason, well--

you talk too much and you think too much.

Is there any chance now you could just shut

up and show me how you feel?

[Music playing]

Ok, Danny, enough of this buddy-buddy stuff.

I'm your uncle and I want you to listen to me.

If you quit school to be with Linda,

it'll be the biggest mistake of your life.

I'm telling you, I will not stand by and watch you throw

your education out the window.

Well, I don't think you have to worry about that anymore.

But I do worry, because I love you.

Yeah, I know you do.

But Linda doesn't.

She said that?

Oh, not in those exact words, but I

don't need all four years of college

to know that that's what she meant.

I'm sorry, Danny.

Are you really?

Of course I am.

I want you to finish school, but I don't want to see you hurt.

Uncle Adam, why can't she feel about me

the same way I feel about her?

I mean, what's wrong with me anyway?

Nothing is wrong with you.

You're a fine, intelligent young man, and I'm very proud of you.

I made such a fool out of myself.

Well, that's something else that runs in our family.

I made a fool of myself over five women.

And when it really counted, I married them.

You know, unc, I may be competitive,

but I think that's one area where I won't try to beat you.

[Music playing]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

- Captain. - Goodbye, doctor.

- Gopher. - Bye, Dr. Yates.

It must have been quite an experience,

doctor, being on a cruise with your patients aboard.

Worked so well, i'm thinking of taking

all my groups on a cruise, after I take one by myself.

Dr. Yates, I want to thank you for everything,

but Norman and I won't be seeing you anymore.

Oh, why is that?

From now on, we're spending our Thursday nights alone.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Captain.

Well, did you enjoy your cruise?

Yeah, I haven't had this much fun since I was in traction.

Oh, your tie is crooked.

There you are, doctor.

Goodbye, captain.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, gopher.

Come on.

Yeah, bye.

You can't win them all.

Bye.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Julie, Vicki, thanks for everything.

The cruise was a smash hit.

We're looking forward to both of you

coming back for an encore.

Well, you see, we won't be able to do that for a while.

Paula's auditioning me for my most challenging role ever.

Oh, really what's that?

A husband.

Well, congratulations.

Boy that turned out swell, didn't it?

Isaac: It was nice meeting you, Danny.

I hope you will join us for another cruise.

I sure will, Isaac.

After you've finished college, right?

Right

you know, unc, I learned something on this cruise.

Blood is thicker than perfume.

I learned something too, sit-ups can

be hazardous to your health.

I'll buy that.

See you later.

Bye-bye.

Adam, Danny, I'm sorry if I caused any trouble between you

too.

But I want you to know, I think you're both terrific buys.

I finally figured out what I like best about you, Linda.

You have great taste in men.

Danny, if I ever do get involved with anyone again,

I hope he's just like you.

Oh, well, I don't.

Well, I like to think I'm one of a kind.

Oh, you are.

Bye.

You know, unc, for a heart-breaker,

she's a nice lady.

I'll make you a deal, next time we

go after the same woman, let's make

sure she's got a twin sister.

You got it.

[Music playing]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]