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♪ Thank you for being a friend
2
00:00:06,606 --> 00:00:09,207
♪ Traveled down the roadand back again
3
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:12,077
♪ Your heart is true
4
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:17,014
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
5
00:00:17,016 --> 00:00:20,251
♪ And if you threw a party
6
00:00:20,253 --> 00:00:25,557
♪ Invited everyone you knew
7
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:30,028
♪ You would seethe biggest
giftwould be from me
8
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,830
♪ And the card attachedwould say
9
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:36,534
♪ "Thank youfor being a friend" ♪
10
00:01:03,062 --> 00:01:05,196
Thank you.
11
00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:09,568
Oh!
12
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,636
A person cannot
open a letter anymore
13
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:15,206
without being accosted
by some vile, disgusting thing!
14
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:18,176
I thought it was against the law
to send filth through the mail.
15
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,378
Oh, no.
What is it, Blanche?
16
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:23,948
A letter from the IRS.
17
00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:28,052
I am being audited!
18
00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:29,520
It's aggravating, yes,
19
00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:33,458
but you don't have anything
to be worried about.
20
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,260
Do you?
Well, of course not.
21
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,095
But you know
how nitpicky they can be
22
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,730
if you forget to dot an i
23
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,065
or you don't declare
the tiniest little thing
24
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,268
they can blow it all
out of proportion.
25
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:45,103
What didn't you
declare, Blanche?
26
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,438
You.
27
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,207
Me?
28
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:51,676
And Rose and Sophia.
29
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:54,913
I think over the past five years I
might have forgotten to mention
30
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,116
that y'all were living here
with me and paying rent.
31
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,719
We just slipped your mind?
Of course not, darling.
32
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,621
But you know I think
of you girls as family.
33
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:07,959
Now, how would it look if they thought
I was charging my own family rent?
34
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,862
Honest.
35
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,464
Don't you ever get nosebleed
36
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:15,166
from taking the highroad
all the time?
37
00:02:16,902 --> 00:02:20,204
Oh, this is such an upsetting day.
For both of us.
38
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:21,773
Why? What's wrong with you?
39
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,976
I ran into an old friend
from high school.
40
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,612
Helen Colquist -
she just moved to Miami.
41
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,447
We spent some time together
42
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:30,948
and decided we'd
get together today.
43
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:35,420
I even got out the old yearbook
so we could go down memory lane.
44
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:38,156
Last night she had
a heart attack and died.
45
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,424
Oh, I'm sorry.
46
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:41,026
I've been sitting here
looking through the book,
47
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:46,298
and I can't believe how many
of my classmates are gone.
48
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,399
Look. Frank Bonatardi,
49
00:02:48,401 --> 00:02:49,800
tight end
on the football team -
50
00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:51,703
heart attack, dead.
51
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,705
Don't think of it
as Frank being dead.
52
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:58,410
Just think of it as God
telling Frank to go deep.
53
00:03:02,948 --> 00:03:04,849
David Brittingham.
What happened to him?
54
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:09,687
God told David to drive into
a wall at 80 miles an hour.
55
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:12,757
What are you doing?
56
00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,425
Dorothy's going
through her yearbook,
57
00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:15,961
to see who's dead.
58
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:19,097
That's my pussycat:
fun, fun, fun!
59
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,899
Ma, do you remember
Helen Colquist?
60
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:24,235
Was she that fat woman
with a wooden leg
61
00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:27,739
and a hairless cat
named Cincinnati Jake?
62
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,073
No.
63
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:31,742
Then I don't remember her.
64
00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:34,045
Oh, Ma, look at this.
65
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,314
A list I made of things
I wanted to do with my life.
66
00:03:37,316 --> 00:03:38,716
You know,
I had a list like that -
67
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,852
and I've done most of 'em.
68
00:03:42,721 --> 00:03:46,024
Except for Burt Lancaster.
69
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,259
I haven't done half the
things on this list.
70
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:51,228
I mean, what am I?
I am a substitute teacher.
71
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:52,730
I'll never be rich
before I'm 21,
72
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,899
I'll never be homecoming queen.
73
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,868
You can still be
homecoming queen.
74
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,204
It'll just be
a different kind of home.
75
00:04:03,475 --> 00:04:05,643
What else is on your list,
Dorothy?
76
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,112
Uh... I wanted
to entertain people.
77
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:12,216
Oh! You, an entertainer?
Well, yes.
78
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:13,785
I was in the drama club.
79
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:17,121
I was also voted the most
humorous girl in my class.
80
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:20,525
She went to a special
school for the dull.
81
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:24,229
I did not.
OK, it's time for dinner.
82
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:28,666
Dorothy, tell me something
else that's on your list.
83
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:31,970
An entertainer!
(laughing)
84
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,672
Entertaining people,
getting my masters,
85
00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,909
and I wanted to sleep
with Michael Delvecchio.
86
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,511
Wait a minute.
Michael Delvecchio?
87
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:43,981
Is he tall with black hair,
has a mole on his cheek,
88
00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:47,118
sells insurance in New York City?
Yes!
89
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,320
You didn't miss much.
90
00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:56,127
The point is, I didn't do
any of the things on my list.
91
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,563
I mean, all my dreams
went unfulfilled.
92
00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:02,167
The other day I was talking
to Helen Colquist.
93
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:06,237
She said she'd always wanted
to go to the Holy Land.
94
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:10,041
She'd just bought the ticket.
Now she's dead.
95
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,309
Hi.
96
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,478
What a day!
You too?
97
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,247
You know Roger Barton,
98
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,749
the man who works
in the cubicle next to me?
99
00:05:18,751 --> 00:05:20,818
He doesn't like me.
100
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:24,488
Everybody's always liked me.
101
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,691
Honey, maybe your
chemistry's just off.
102
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,693
Everybody doesn't
have to like you.
103
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,428
Oh, yes, they do.
104
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:33,631
Dorothy, you're the smart one.
Blanche, you're the sexy one.
105
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:36,401
And Sophia, you're the old one.
106
00:05:38,303 --> 00:05:41,438
I'm the nice one.
107
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,674
Everybody always likes me.
108
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:47,878
The old one isn't
so crazy about you.
109
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,715
Roger likes everybody else
in the office.
110
00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:52,116
I don't know why
he doesn't like me.
111
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,618
I go out of my way
to be friendly.
112
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,554
You know that happy
thought of the day
113
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,057
that I write down
and give to everyone?
114
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,992
He doesn't even like that.
115
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,895
I have a plan.
What is your plan?
116
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:06,564
His dog died.
117
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,966
That your plan?
118
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,268
No. I'm gonna
replace his dog.
119
00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:15,005
Rose, you don't even like
bringing me my slippers.
120
00:06:20,746 --> 00:06:24,348
No, I'm gonna get him
a new pet to replace his.
121
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:27,418
His dog lifted his leg
on an electric fence.
122
00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:32,556
Poor Sparky.
123
00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:38,997
To show him how sorry I am,
124
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,866
I'm gonna go to the pound
and get him another pet.
125
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,002
Rose, I really think
you're trying too hard.
126
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:45,136
I don't. I don't.
127
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,038
No, Rose, I admire you.
128
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,274
When you want something
to happen, you go for it.
129
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,575
Me, I dream.
130
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,677
Are you back on that
show biz kick again?
131
00:06:53,679 --> 00:06:55,847
Yeah, Ma. I was always
pretty good at it,
132
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,247
even way back in high school.
133
00:06:57,249 --> 00:06:59,249
Do you remember
those variety shows
134
00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:01,352
that my class used to put on?
135
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,354
I was really very good.
136
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:06,857
I'd get up there and tell a
few jokes about the teachers,
137
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,192
about the cafeteria food.
138
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:11,763
Ma, do you remember,
"You call this tapioca?"
139
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,765
(cackles)
140
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:19,136
Timeless.
141
00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:20,404
The kids really liked me.
142
00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,573
I mean, they laughed.
I felt great.
143
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:24,508
If there's something
you're aching to do,
144
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,376
then you simply have to do it.
145
00:07:26,378 --> 00:07:29,513
Remember when we went to amateur
night at the Comedy Barrel?
146
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,916
You've got to be as good
as some of those people.
147
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:35,286
I couldn't. I'd be up there
sweating bullets.
148
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,355
And dodging some.
149
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,124
No, you should try it, Dorothy.
150
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:43,861
We'd be right there, front
and center, cheering you on.
151
00:07:43,863 --> 00:07:46,930
This is crazy.
What if I die out there?
152
00:07:46,932 --> 00:07:49,033
Oh, who cares if you stink.
153
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,835
Who cares if nobody laughs.
154
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,770
Who cares if you make
a fool of yourself.
155
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,138
I care.
156
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,606
Then you got problems.
157
00:08:02,414 --> 00:08:04,882
(doorbell) Coming.
158
00:08:07,085 --> 00:08:09,186
Roger!
159
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:11,155
Roger, I can't tell
you how sorry I am
160
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,957
about what happened to Sparky.
161
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,226
And how are you?
I've been better, Rose.
162
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,328
I've come to talk to you
about this cat you sent me.
163
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,829
When I saw him at the pound,
164
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,365
I knew he'd be
just the cat for you.
165
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,968
I named him Buster.
Isn't he precious?
166
00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:27,404
He mauled me, Rose.
167
00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:29,673
Buster did that?
But he seemed so sweet.
168
00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:32,209
Well, he may be, Rose,
but he just doesn't like me.
169
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:33,978
Sometimes in life that happens.
170
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:37,281
For instance, I don't like you.
171
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,550
But everybody likes me.
172
00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:41,986
Can't say that anymore, Rose.
173
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,921
Do you really hate me?
174
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:45,356
Oh, yeah.
175
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,793
Now, here's Buster back.
176
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,328
You told me you were
an animal lover.
177
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,296
I thought maybe I could
replace your loss.
178
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:56,133
Well, I didn't need a replacement.
You see, I had my parakeet.
179
00:08:56,135 --> 00:09:01,372
Or I used to have him until you sent
that cat from hell into our lives.
180
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:06,810
You don't mean...? I don't think you're
gonna have to feed Buster for a while.
181
00:09:06,812 --> 00:09:08,879
Goodbye, Rose.
And when you see me at work,
182
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,347
don't say good morning,
183
00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:12,449
don't leave me
those cheery notes,
184
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:16,787
and please don't put on those little
puppet shows over the partition.
185
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:20,391
In fact, don't ever
think of me again.
186
00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:26,196
Oh! Whose cat is this?
187
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,332
I got it at the pound
for somebody,
188
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,967
and now they don't want him.
189
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:32,002
I was talking to Sarah
Antonelli the other day.
190
00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:35,105
She's got a cellar full of
mice and she needs a cat.
191
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:37,208
You think this guy's
got the killer instinct?
192
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,543
Oh, I think so.
193
00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:43,280
Please take him, Sophia.
His name is Buster.
194
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:45,016
He sure is cute.
195
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:48,853
I love the way he's got that jaunty
yellow feather behind his ear.
196
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:51,321
Kitty, kitty, kitty!
197
00:09:58,396 --> 00:10:00,030
What's in the shoebox?
198
00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,199
Every last receipt
and scrap of paper
199
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:04,769
I have collected
over the last five years.
200
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:09,673
Or a pair of shoes.
201
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,643
What am I going to do?
I'm meeting with my accountant tomorrow.
202
00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:14,412
He said to bring everything.
203
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,214
You better include
a cake with a file in it.
204
00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:18,816
Where are your receipts?
205
00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:20,718
I always thought
you only needed a receipt
206
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,153
if the dress you bought
didn't fit.
207
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:24,755
I'm just no good at this.
208
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:26,323
That's beginning
to shine through.
209
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:29,026
It was so much easier
when I was married.
210
00:10:29,028 --> 00:10:31,529
I'd buy something expensive,
George would yell at me,
211
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:32,996
I'd put on
a see-through nightie,
212
00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:36,066
and that would be
the end of it.
213
00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:39,203
Why can't the government
work that way?
214
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:44,575
According to the newspapers,
a lot of times it does.
215
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:48,980
Uh, this money that you forgot to give
to the IRS - what did you do with it?
216
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,649
I can't remember
what I did with every penny.
217
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,550
I know I gave
some of it to charity.
218
00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:56,453
Charitable deductions!
Blanche, that's great.
219
00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:59,356
What was it? United Fund?
Greenpeace? You remember?
220
00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:03,527
In 1985 I bought the
We Are The World album.
221
00:11:08,766 --> 00:11:10,634
Dorothy, have you
seen my teeth?
222
00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:15,172
They're in your mouth, Ma.
223
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,809
I know that.
Don't they look good today?
224
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:20,011
I ran them through
the dishwasher.
225
00:11:23,381 --> 00:11:26,117
Ma, listen to me.
226
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:30,487
You got Martha Raye
and Madge mixed up again.
227
00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,756
Oh, yeah.
228
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:35,159
Listen, Ma, would you
like to listen to a joke?
229
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,628
Is this from your act?
Could be.
230
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:40,798
I went down to the Comedy Barrel
and signed up for Monday night.
231
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,634
Let me try this out on you.
OK, make me laugh.
232
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,169
All right.
Here we go.
233
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,638
It seems there was this doctor--
234
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,675
"It seems" there was?
What is this, existentialist humor?
235
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:53,410
Was there a doctor,
or wasn't there?
236
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,479
Yes. Yes, there was
this doctor.
237
00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:56,981
He's sitting in the park--
238
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:58,482
What time of year is it?
239
00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:01,285
What difference does it make?
You have to set the scene.
240
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:04,822
Who is telling this joke?
At the moment, nobody.
241
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:08,559
Ma, it would be very nice
if you could be supportive.
242
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,260
Please. I've always
been supportive.
243
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,029
Remember when you wanted
to run away to Canada
244
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:14,899
so you wouldn't get drafted?
245
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:17,201
Ma, that was my brother Phil.
246
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:21,339
Oh, yeah. I got confused -
he was wearing your dress.
247
00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:26,643
OK. How about when you were
unmarried and pregnant?
248
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:28,112
I remember your exact words:
249
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:29,680
"Get out of my house.
You're dead.
250
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,748
I have no daughter
named Dorothy."
251
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:37,287
Sure, in that tone
of voice it sounds bad.
252
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,622
But I'm supporting you now.
253
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:41,392
Didn't I come here to live with
you in your twilight years?
254
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:44,528
Ma, these are your
twilight years.
255
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,163
Are you kidding?
I'm supposed to be dead.
256
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:49,233
These are your twilight years.
257
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,035
Ma, I never needed you more.
258
00:12:51,037 --> 00:12:53,471
I'm about to do something
that is very important to me.
259
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,906
I mean, I could fall
flat on my face.
260
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:58,709
Fall the other way -
it's funnier.
261
00:13:09,154 --> 00:13:11,956
Thank you and good night.
Well, Ma?
262
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,824
Five minutes and ten seconds.
263
00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:16,593
That's a little long.
What should I cut?
264
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:19,663
After hearing that act,
your throat.
265
00:13:21,366 --> 00:13:26,203
Hi, Blanche. How did it go at the
accountant's? Oh, just fine.
266
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:28,639
While I was in the waiting room,
I was reading a magazine
267
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,041
that listed the ten
richest men in America.
268
00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:33,877
You know, Merv Griffin's
moved up a couple of notches.
269
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:37,081
He probably ate
the two guys ahead of him.
270
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:42,086
Anyway, I got good news from my accountant.
I'm being audited Tuesday.
271
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:45,022
Oh, lucky you.
You don't get it.
272
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,625
My accountant reminded me
that I've been audited before
273
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:50,728
and I've never had to pay
a penny in back taxes.
274
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:53,064
I have a way with auditors.
275
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:54,799
The last time I was audited
276
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:57,001
I got money back
from the government.
277
00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:04,808
Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor
leaves two twenties on your nightstand.
278
00:14:10,548 --> 00:14:13,384
D'you wanna see
my vanskap kokker?
279
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:16,286
As long as I don't
have to show you mine.
280
00:14:17,989 --> 00:14:20,924
It's a St. Olaf
friendship cake.
281
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,592
I'm taking it to Roger.
282
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:25,162
It's made with
milk, sugar, honey,
283
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:28,499
a whole lot of love,
and just a drop of sunshine.
284
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:31,268
Why don't you leave
the poor man alone?
285
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:33,971
I know if he got to know me,
he'd like me.
286
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:37,275
Why? I got to know you -
I don't like you.
287
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,642
You just say that.
288
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,444
Repeatedly.
289
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:43,781
Rose, you've become obsessed.
290
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,984
You have this irrational need
to get Roger to like you.
291
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,886
Why are you doing this?
292
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,156
I guess it all started when I was
a little kid at the orphanage.
293
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:55,726
You see, only the happy,
nice kids got adopted.
294
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:59,696
That's when I started trying to
be happy and nice all the time.
295
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:02,632
'Cause the truth is, if you
treat somebody really nicely,
296
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:05,269
they'll take you home.
297
00:15:10,241 --> 00:15:13,210
I've always
found that to be true.
298
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:18,649
(sighs) Right now, I feel
like the kid at the orphanage.
299
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,185
OK, Rose, I'm going
to tell you a story
300
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:22,853
about a young girl
in high school
301
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:26,290
who was very insecure
about the other kids liking her.
302
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:28,492
Now, she would do anything -
303
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,961
anything -
to gain their approval.
304
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:33,297
She would do
their homework for them,
305
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:35,099
while her grades suffered.
306
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,367
She would give them
her lunch money,
307
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:40,471
in the misguided belief that she
could buy their acceptance.
308
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:45,176
Finally, lonely and
desperate for affection
309
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,711
she gave her virginity
to the first boy
310
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:50,714
who showed her
the slightest attention.
311
00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:54,417
Oh, boy. You know, Blanche,
until you told this story,
312
00:15:54,419 --> 00:15:56,954
I never realized
how much we had in common.
313
00:16:01,459 --> 00:16:03,727
We don't have
anything in common.
314
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:06,697
That was a story
Sophia told me about you.
315
00:16:10,902 --> 00:16:12,536
Rose, the point is,
316
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:15,105
there's always going to be
somebody who doesn't like you.
317
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,007
Yes, and when you
find that one person,
318
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:20,577
you have to try even harder
to get them to like you.
319
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:23,780
Did I ever tell you the story
about Herder Schornborscht?
320
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:25,115
Many, many, many times.
Yes, yes, yes!
321
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:26,450
You have.
322
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:27,751
Well, then you remember,
323
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:31,288
he was St. Olaf's
most famous shepherd.
324
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:33,557
Well, Herder used to say,
325
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:37,561
you can have a hundred sheep,
and if one goes astray,
326
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,297
that's the one you go look for.
327
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:42,733
Especially if it's
the best-looking one.
328
00:16:44,535 --> 00:16:48,372
Rose has got to find
some new role models.
329
00:17:06,524 --> 00:17:09,326
Rose! I was just
thinking about you.
330
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:12,896
Really?
Yeah, my hand was throbbing.
331
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,466
I brought you a vanskap kokker.
332
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,301
It's a traditional
St. Olaf friendship cake.
333
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:20,704
Rose, I don't want
any gifts from you.
334
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,741
I really don't wanna have
anything to do with you.
335
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,176
Let me ask you something.
336
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:29,079
What is your idea of a friend?
337
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:32,015
A friend is someone who
likes you and respects you
338
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,517
and is willing
to do things for you.
339
00:17:34,519 --> 00:17:38,788
So if I was your friend, you'd be willing
to do things for me and respect my wishes?
340
00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:40,557
Of course. I'd have to.
341
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,459
I've asked you to leave me
alone, and you haven't.
342
00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:44,728
What kind of friend is that?
343
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,463
You said you weren't my friend.
344
00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:48,765
What if I say I am your friend?
345
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:51,435
Well, then I'd have to do it -
you'd be my friend.
346
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,970
Then we're friends!
You mean it?
347
00:17:53,972 --> 00:17:55,939
Forever. Don't forget
to leave me alone.
348
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:59,143
That's what friends are for.
See you, pal.
349
00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:01,010
Thank you, Roger.
You don't know what it means for me
350
00:18:01,012 --> 00:18:04,748
to hear you say that.
351
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:07,017
See you, buddy.
352
00:18:14,125 --> 00:18:17,494
(booing/comedian on stage)
353
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:20,030
You're looking pale.
Are you all right?
354
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:24,735
I was thinking, how important is it to fulfill
your life's dream? What's the big deal?
355
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:27,204
You've come this far.
You might as well go through with it.
356
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:29,105
But what if nobody laughs?
357
00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:31,875
Then you'll know
how Lisa Bonet feels.
358
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:37,815
OK, OK, who's got number 14?
Oh, God, I do.
359
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,750
OK, sweetie.
You're on next.
360
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,586
(raucous laughter)
361
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,554
So, the guy says,
362
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:48,291
"My St. Bernard?
I thought it was your St. Bernard."
363
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,227
(laughter)
364
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,729
I gotta go wash
my mouth out with soap.
365
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:55,299
Good night, everybody.
(cheering)
366
00:18:57,202 --> 00:19:01,572
There he goes, the bad boy of
comedy, Dirty Dicky Hertz.
367
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:06,409
Not exactly the kind of guy
you want to meet your mother.
368
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:08,612
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to bring
out a lady who actually claims to know
369
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:10,747
which one is Siegfried
and which one is Roy,
370
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:14,083
Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak.
371
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:23,493
You'll, uh... have to excuse me.
I'm a little nervous.
372
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,296
I'm not really a comedian.
373
00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:28,265
Boy, it's a little hot up here.
374
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,134
How hot is it?
375
00:19:33,905 --> 00:19:37,440
I don't know,
but it's really hot.
376
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:38,842
Hi-ho!
377
00:19:42,147 --> 00:19:44,614
As I said before,
my name is Dorothy Zbornak.
378
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:48,118
And... that's spelled
just the way it sounds.
379
00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:52,856
You're dying.
Ask us where we're from.
380
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:56,526
That's my mother,
the Incredible Shrinking Woman.
381
00:19:56,528 --> 00:20:00,230
She's sitting there with the two
other women that I live with.
382
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,032
You know, at our ages,
383
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:05,569
the four of us living
together in the same house,
384
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,004
we go through
so many hormone changes
385
00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:12,108
that some nights we can actually
read by the hot flashes.
386
00:20:15,313 --> 00:20:18,882
You know, it's really interesting when
one of us dates an eligible man -
387
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,985
or as we call them, a live one.
388
00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:26,357
Although it's not a prerequisite
because I have been known
389
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,726
to date a guy on life support.
390
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,694
(laughter)
391
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,430
But the trouble with dating
a guy on life support
392
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:36,634
is that you always
have to go to his place.
393
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:40,703
Every guy has an angle.
394
00:20:40,705 --> 00:20:42,439
(laughter)
395
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:45,809
And that's the trouble
with the guys here in Miami.
396
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:48,512
They simply cannot say
those three little words:
397
00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:51,748
"Quick, call 911."
398
00:20:58,656 --> 00:21:01,158
So, that's who I am -
399
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,960
a substitute teacher
with hot flashes
400
00:21:03,962 --> 00:21:07,297
who still lives with her mother
who heckles her.
401
00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:08,999
(laughter)
402
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,301
And I wanna thank you
for finding my life
403
00:21:11,303 --> 00:21:13,937
more amusing than I do.
404
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,106
Good night. Thank you.
You're beautiful.
405
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,807
(cheering)
406
00:21:30,521 --> 00:21:34,791
Pussycat, I've been working
on some jokes for your act.
407
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:38,128
Why did Rose throw the alarm
clock out of the window?
408
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,662
I don't know. Why?
409
00:21:39,664 --> 00:21:41,832
Because she's a moron.
410
00:21:43,668 --> 00:21:45,902
I got a million of 'em.
That's OK, Ma.
411
00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:49,206
I don't think I'm gonna be doing
my stand-up routine any more.
412
00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:50,907
How come?
You were great.
413
00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:52,676
This morning I realized
that what I've been doing
414
00:21:52,678 --> 00:21:54,978
is no different from my dream.
415
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,014
Every time I stand
in front of a classroom
416
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:59,549
I face the same challenges,
417
00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:03,220
only I come away with something
that I didn't feel last night -
418
00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:07,657
that maybe, possibly, I've managed
to teach them a little something.
419
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:11,761
Now, doing stand-up
was like having sex with Stan.
420
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:14,764
I was nervous before it,
felt pretty good during it,
421
00:22:14,766 --> 00:22:15,966
and I'm absolutely thrilled
422
00:22:15,968 --> 00:22:18,668
that I will never
have to do it again.
423
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,476
How do I look?
Is today your audit?
424
00:22:26,478 --> 00:22:28,011
Yes.
425
00:22:30,981 --> 00:22:33,550
He should be here any minute.
426
00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:36,886
Blanche, how are you going
to explain that outfit?
427
00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:40,290
"The zipper's in the back."
428
00:22:40,292 --> 00:22:41,959
(doorbell)
429
00:22:45,363 --> 00:22:46,696
Wish me luck.
430
00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:55,538
Blanche Devereaux?
Yes.
431
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,808
Gloria Schmidt, IRS.
432
00:23:03,447 --> 00:23:06,149
Come on in the kitchen.
I'll write you a check.
33554
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