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1
00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:03,920
The following programme
contains strong language.
2
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,840
3
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,000
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
4
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:24,520
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
5
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,440
(SIREN APPROACHES)
6
00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:48,000
(GUNSHOT)
7
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(GUNSHOT)
8
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,000
(SONG CONTINUES)
9
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I'm feeling rather disappointed.
10
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I'm feeling rather disappointed.
11
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Miss Straw persuaded me,
against my better judgement,
12
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to bring you, Mr Gardiner, and um...
13
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(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.
14
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,760
(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.
15
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Back to Television Centre,
and let her into the writing room.
16
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It has clearly proved a distraction.
17
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This experiment has not worked.
18
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This experiment has not worked.
19
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We've got loads of great ideas.
Yeah.Show him the cards, Tone.
20
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,680
Er... Alright, well...
21
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,040
No, no, the other card. Ah.
22
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,240
Mm.
23
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This little holiday is over.
24
00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:00,000
You have no concept, no script,
and currently no Sophie Straw.
25
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:00,120
You have no concept, no script,
and currently no Sophie Straw.
26
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,080
If you do not deliver
a show ready for air by the 30th,
27
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,160
I will pull the entire project
from the schedule.
28
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:08,000
And where the hell is she, anyway?
29
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,840
And where the hell is she, anyway?
30
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,880
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
31
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,200
Kir royale?
32
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,240
It'd be rude not to.
33
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:32,000
Bottoms up.
34
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Bottoms up.
35
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,880
Pardon?
It means...
36
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,200
well, something about...
(CLEARS THROAT) ..bottoms.
37
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,880
But it doesn't really travel.
38
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:40,000
You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.
39
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,600
You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.
40
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,800
I hope you will remember
the making of this film...
41
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,000
as a time of...
42
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,360
as a time of...
43
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,880
intellectual stimulation.
44
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,800
(SIGHS)
Most of the time I've just been...
45
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,000
pouting and saying, 'Non.'
46
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,680
pouting and saying, 'Non.'
47
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,160
The way you said it - perfection.
48
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,000
I'm getting all hot and bothered.
49
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:04,680
I'm getting all hot and bothered.
50
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,080
Would you like to go outside?
51
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:24,800
You are the most beautiful woman
I have ever met.
52
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:28,000
You're well above average.
53
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,800
You're well above average.
54
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,080
Oh, you're doing
that look from scene 39.
55
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,000
Are you acting, or...?
56
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:36,040
Are you acting, or...?
57
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,080
(SOFTLY) Crikey.
58
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,800
Oh.
59
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,880
Your body is here...
60
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,400
..but your heart is across
La Manche, with someone else.
61
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,800
Am I right...
62
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,000
Sophie Straw?
63
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:52,840
Sophie Straw?
64
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,200
There is no-one at home.
65
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,680
I'll show you where my heart is.
66
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,520
These movie stars are always late,
aren't they?
67
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,240
Marilyn Monroe wouldn't turn up
till the end of the week,
68
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,000
and I read Marlon Brando does
turn up, but on a different planet.
69
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,400
and I read Marlon Brando does
turn up, but on a different planet.
70
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,280
Well, maybe Mademoiselle Straw
is never coming back.
71
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,000
You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!
Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'
72
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,920
You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!
Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'
73
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,120
Mine went with,
'Can-can it be love?'
74
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,000
Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.
75
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:32,280
Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.
76
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,320
(CLEARS THROAT)
77
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,040
Morning, chaps.
Morning.Good morning.
78
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,960
Not the bin,
that's the first place he'll look!
79
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,000
Den doesn't go through bins.
He's not you.What's that?
80
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,600
Den doesn't go through bins.
He's not you.What's that?
81
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,040
Verrucas.
82
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,360
Uh...
Are they funny?
83
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,000
Yeah, er...
For the swimming pool ep.
84
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,080
Yeah, er...
For the swimming pool ep.
85
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:50,920
Oh.
86
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,240
(SINGSONGY) I'm back!
Ah.
87
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,640
Hey! Bonjour.
88
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,000
Bonjour, mes amies.
Oh.
89
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:04,920
Bonjour, mes amies.
Oh.
90
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,800
(BOTTLE CLINKS)
91
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,920
Dennis.
Welcome back.
92
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,160
Thank you.
93
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,720
So, who'd like presents, then?
94
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,680
Ooh!Ooh!
Presents?
95
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,840
For Tony and June, I got...
96
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:20,000
Camembert cheese.
Ooh! Oh, God!
97
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,520
Camembert cheese.
Ooh! Oh, God!
98
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,640
And for Bill...
Yes?
99
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,320
Oh.
100
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,000
Is it a shit in a bag?
It's snails.
101
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,240
Is it a shit in a bag?
It's snails.
102
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,120
They're a delicacy.
Hm.
103
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,000
And for Dennis...
104
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:36,120
And for Dennis...
105
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:40,840
..a pair of his-and-hers
cognac glasses.
106
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,880
Um... Thank you.
107
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,600
Uh... The boys have made progress.
108
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,240
Yeah, while YOU were on holiday.
109
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,000
I was working!
Well, you'll like this one.
110
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,520
I was working!
Well, you'll like this one.
111
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:58,240
Barbara fancies the lifeguard at
the local pool.But she can't swim.
112
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,000
So she has to take these lessons
with these snotty kids.
113
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,400
So she has to take these lessons
with these snotty kids.
114
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,160
I'm not spending the whole episode
in a swimming cossie.
115
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,400
We were thinking wetsuit,
snorkel and flippers.Mm.
116
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:08,000
Yeah, that's funny. But, lads...
117
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,400
Yeah, that's funny. But, lads...
118
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,480
I don't think they'll let us build
a swimming pool in Studio Five.
119
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,000
Alright, fair point, that's one of
Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.
120
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:16,320
Alright, fair point, that's one of
Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.
121
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,640
Well, maybe the uh...next one.
122
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,720
Barbs has got a crush
on a football fan.
123
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,720
Yeah, she really wants
to impress him with what she knows,
124
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:24,000
but she can't remember
the rules for offside.
125
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:28,280
but she can't remember
the rules for offside.
126
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,760
A player is offside if,
when the ball is passed,
127
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,000
he's closer to the opponent's
goal line than both the ball
128
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,400
he's closer to the opponent's
goal line than both the ball
129
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,280
and the second-to-last
opposing player.
130
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,840
Hm.
131
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,000
Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me
a proper Blackpool education.
132
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,000
Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me
a proper Blackpool education.
133
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,440
(GRUNTS)
(NOISY CLATTERING) (CLEARS THROAT)
134
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,960
Another one of Tony's.
Yeah.
135
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,000
Cos Bill's too busy with
his 'book'...and his 'agent'...
136
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000
Cos Bill's too busy with
his 'book'...and his 'agent'...
137
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,440
to give us ideas.Why are
you doing inverted comma fingers?
138
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,600
I have got a 'book' and an 'agent.'
139
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,000
I am having a baby, which fills
my head up quite a lot, actually.
140
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,440
I am having a baby, which fills
my head up quite a lot, actually.
141
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,000
You know, it doesn't
stop me from bringing ideas.
142
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,680
Lads.
(CLEARS THROAT)
143
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,000
You know I love your stuff.
144
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:04,640
You know I love your stuff.
145
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,640
I'm not saying it's not working.
It's just... (EXHALES)
146
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,840
..it just feels like
everything Barbara's doing
147
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,000
is because she's chasing a fella.
148
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:12,640
is because she's chasing a fella.
149
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,920
It was the same with Lanagan
and Curry.Hey, no!Shut up!
150
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,480
No no.
Fuck off!Lanagan and Curry?
151
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,800
I'm just saying that I think
we need to, you know, find some...
152
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,000
modern, original, fresh ideas, and
it's not just about chasing trouser.
153
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:25,240
modern, original, fresh ideas, and
it's not just about chasing trouser.
154
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,000
(A Man and a Woman)
155
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,640
(A Man and a Woman)
156
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,080
(BLOWS MELODY OF 'A MAN AND A WOMAN
(A MAN AND A WOMAN)' ON WHISTLE)
157
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,000
(VOCALS IN FRENCH)
158
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:36,600
(VOCALS IN FRENCH)
159
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,960
Hiya.
160
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,240
Hmm.
161
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,240
What? We're only popping downstairs
to have our tea.
162
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,000
Sorry. Dinner.
163
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:52,400
Sorry. Dinner.
164
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,400
First, a small, informal party.
Oh.
165
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,600
(GASPS) Ooh.
166
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,000
Can I choose...all of them?
167
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,720
Can I choose...all of them?
168
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,360
I think this one.
169
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,480
(CHUCKLES)
170
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:12,360
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Wow.
171
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,680
Who's this party for, then?
172
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:16,000
You...
173
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,120
You...
174
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,280
and a few of my friends.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
175
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,480
The cream of the movie business
is here to meet you.
176
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,000
Hollywood beckons, baby!
177
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,520
Hollywood beckons, baby!
178
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,280
Hey, good to see you.
Yeah, yeah. Hi.
179
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:32,000
Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,
are in the laundrette...
180
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,520
Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,
are in the laundrette...
181
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,440
as they watch their washing
go round and round.
182
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:40,000
I wish we could change the channel.
183
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,840
I wish we could change the channel.
184
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,800
One good win on the horses,
and I'll buy a washing machine.
185
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,600
And a telly.
186
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,000
And you can buy
some more new white shirts.
187
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,680
And you can buy
some more new white shirts.
188
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,200
Why?
189
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,520
Cos you left your red undercrackers
in that wash.
190
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,160
(CHUCKLES) There's my line.
191
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,000
Feel free to blow your own trumpet.
Uh...
192
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,360
Feel free to blow your own trumpet.
Uh...
193
00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,680
Are you having a go?
No, no, no.
194
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,600
It's... It's not bad.
Not bad?
195
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,000
(SCOFFS) Can we just... Can we just
get on with the next scene?
196
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,800
(SCOFFS) Can we just... Can we just
get on with the next scene?
197
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,400
Den, mate, come on, it's...it's
late! You know, I'm not peak energy.
198
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,000
It's bound to sound shit
when it's Tony saying it!
199
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:12,920
It's bound to sound shit
when it's Tony saying it!
200
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,960
Why are you picking on Tony now?
No, no, fair enough.
201
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,480
How's the book going, mate?
You know how the book's going, mate.
202
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,560
Bill won't be revolutionising
the literary world
203
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,000
any time soon, put it that way.
Oh.
204
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,360
any time soon, put it that way.
Oh.
205
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:25,720
One minute it's a work of dark,
blistering brilliance, and the next
it's a libel case waiting to happen.
206
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,000
Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too
mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?
207
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,400
Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too
mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?
208
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,280
Mucky? You can talk.
What do you mean?
209
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,760
I've seen you in the papers sucking
face with Jean-Paul.Look, can
we just -Look, enough! Enough!
210
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,880
See, comedy, it's like maths.
211
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:44,000
And one part of this equation
is completely wrong. Sophie.
212
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,680
And one part of this equation
is completely wrong. Sophie.
213
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,000
You what?
I mean, it's the character.
214
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:52,360
You what?
I mean, it's the character.
215
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,720
It's not quite right for you.
216
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,520
When Sophie is in full flow, she
has us all in the palm of her hands,
217
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,000
and we're just not getting that now.
218
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,200
and we're just not getting that now.
219
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,040
And it's not your fault, Sophie.
Oh, well, thanks for that, Dennis.
220
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,880
Yeah, obviously it's the writers'
fault.No. This is my fault.
221
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,560
I should never have
let it get this far.
222
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,960
I've been distracted.
223
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,680
And I apologise.
224
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,640
We have all the right ingredients.
225
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,480
But Just Barbara,
it's the wrong recipe.
226
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,000
But apart from the central idea
of the show being fatally flawed,
227
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:32,280
But apart from the central idea
of the show being fatally flawed,
228
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,320
we're golden, are we?
229
00:10:42,403 --> 00:10:44,960
MARJ: See, it's only
the women who are starkers.
230
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,680
And I bet you any money that's
the geezer who made my granddad
231
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:48,000
go over the top at the Somme.
232
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,800
go over the top at the Somme.
233
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,760
Don't be rude about
Pandora's objets d'art.
234
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:56,000
What brings you here, then, Marj?
235
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:56,120
What brings you here, then, Marj?
236
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,440
So um... (CLEARS THROAT)
237
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,400
..can you come to the demo?
238
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,000
It's tricky.
239
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:04,280
It's tricky.
240
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,040
I would, but my Agent
wants me to stay apolitical.
241
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,920
A political what, chicken?
242
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,000
Marj, can't we just have
a nice drinkie and a natter?
243
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,160
Marj, can't we just have
a nice drinkie and a natter?
244
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,840
Fair do's, yeah.
245
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:20,000
So, go on. How was your...
petit French adventure?
246
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:20,080
So, go on. How was your...
petit French adventure?
247
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,560
(LAUGHS) Well, I didn't
get to do much acting.
248
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,760
Mostly, I was just sat there
being primped and preened
249
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,000
like a prize poodle -
three people just for my hair.
250
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,280
like a prize poodle -
three people just for my hair.
251
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,120
And I had to do loads of press,
252
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,360
but all the papers wanted to ask me
about was Jean-Paul Solo.Oh!
253
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,000
God, what a drag, man!
254
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,480
God, what a drag, man!
255
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,280
And now I'm back on Just Barbara.
I mean...
256
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,360
it's so difficult.
Oh, I know.
257
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,000
At least you understand, Marj.
I do.
258
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:44,400
At least you understand, Marj.
I do.
259
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,840
I mean, I am trying to get
the British bosses
260
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,920
to stop paying women poverty rates,
but you...
261
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,000
you are the one
who's really suffering,
262
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:52,440
you are the one
who's really suffering,
263
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,840
what with your showbiz shindigs
and whatnot!
264
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,160
Well, this is a fun cocktail hour.
265
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,000
Bunking in a flat
that looks like the inside
of Princess Margaret's head,
266
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:00,080
Bunking in a flat
that looks like the inside
of Princess Margaret's head,
267
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,560
and, oh, working on a comedy show!
268
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,480
Oh, no, wait,
that was your dream, remember?
269
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,000
Oh, you should serve some fish
with them chips on your shoulder.
270
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,440
Oh, you should serve some fish
with them chips on your shoulder.
271
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,560
Coming from
the professional Northerner
with a stick of rock up her arse.
272
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,920
You and your placards.
'What do we want?
273
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,000
Marj to shut her big old gob.
274
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,120
Marj to shut her big old gob.
275
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:20,040
When do we want it? Now.'
Do you know what?
276
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,400
It's no wonder people
admire your arse so much,
277
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,000
seeing as you can speak out of it.
Oh, do they?
278
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:24,560
seeing as you can speak out of it.
Oh, do they?
279
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,640
One of my many talents.
280
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:30,040
(SINGS WITH COCKNEY ACCENT)
Maybe it's because you're a Londoner.
281
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,000
Oh, I can't do any m... Oh, my God!
282
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:32,440
Oh, I can't do any m... Oh, my God!
283
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:35,080
What is that?!Oh, it's just
Samantha. I told you about her.
284
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,040
Just don't be so dramatic!
Oh, sorry. No, sorry,
285
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,000
I didn't realise there were
two snakes living in this flat.
286
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:40,480
I didn't realise there were
two snakes living in this flat.
287
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,680
Oh, you don't want me on this march.
You just want a celebrity.
288
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,880
Argh, I'm done. I am done.Well,
I haven't finished talking to you.
289
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,000
Well, I've finished
listening to you!
290
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:48,640
Well, I've finished
listening to you!
291
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,800
Well, give me that coat back,
because it's mine!
292
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,080
Well, you left it there,
so I thought you didn't want it!
293
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,720
No, I do want it, actually,
and it's mine anyway! (SCREAMS)
294
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,000
(GASPS)
295
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,320
(GASPS)
296
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,080
Cocking hell, what have you done?!
297
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,000
Was that expensive?Uh...
Marj, this is not like your flat.
298
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,360
Was that expensive?Uh...
Marj, this is not like your flat.
299
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,920
Everything in here is expensive!
Give it a...
300
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,760
OK, well, well, where do we get
another one - outer space?
301
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:12,000
I don't know!
302
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,880
I don't know!
303
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,920
But I know someone who might.
304
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,000
305
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:20,240
306
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,240
307
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:26,040
I'll gladly be there...
308
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:28,000
(BELL RINGS)
DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.
309
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:28,880
(BELL RINGS)
DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.
310
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,000
Right, this is us.
311
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,000
312
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,640
313
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,720
314
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,000
I'll gladly be there
315
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,280
I'll gladly be there
316
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,520
317
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,640
We should look a bit more upmarket.
318
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,560
This is what we need.
319
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,720
320
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,000
(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.
I am being... Well, put it down.
321
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:00,640
(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.
I am being... Well, put it down.
322
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,520
Cost me an arm and a leg.
Yeah, I know.
323
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:06,120
Just...As if you haven't
sodding stopped crying about...
324
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,000
You know, it was expensive, so...
Yeah, I know. You have said.
325
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,320
You know, it was expensive, so...
Yeah, I know. You have said.
326
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,680
(SIGHS)
327
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,720
There you go, my darling.
328
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,000
What's up with your mates, then?
329
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,920
They having a 'who can be most
miserable' competition or what?
330
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,800
Actually, they've got a condition.
331
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,960
They're both big babies.
332
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,040
The blonde one -
Oh, no, she just looks like her.
333
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,000
Look, if...if it was my fault...
334
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:32,680
Look, if...if it was my fault...
335
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,800
then you can tell her
that I will pay her back my share
336
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,760
at a shilling a week...
for the rest of my life.
337
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:40,000
Diane, can you please tell
the person sitting opposite me
338
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,440
Diane, can you please tell
the person sitting opposite me
339
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:46,000
that I have paid for the lamp
in full, and that's that?
340
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,000
Even though
it cost about as much as a bungalow.
341
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:48,400
Even though
it cost about as much as a bungalow.
342
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,040
Oh, my God, did the movie star
have to pay for something
343
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,120
out of her own pocket -
didn't get it for free? Oh!
344
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,000
I can't do anything right.
WOMAN: Greta!
345
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,360
I can't do anything right.
WOMAN: Greta!
346
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,840
Greta! You're on.
347
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,520
What? No, I was on last night.
Where's the stripper?
348
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,000
Couldn't get a babysitter.
349
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:04,440
Couldn't get a babysitter.
350
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,200
(GROANS)
351
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:10,000
Oh, don't mind me.
Pearls before swine.
352
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,600
Yeah, too late now.
You don't deserve me.
353
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,520
Are you ready for this?
(COUGHS NOISILY)
354
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,000
Right, let's do it.
355
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:20,840
Right, let's do it.
356
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,920
(SINGS BADLY) You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
357
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,000
You make me happy
when skies are blue.
358
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,880
You make me happy
when skies are blue.
359
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,200
You never know, dear...
(GROANING)
360
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,000
At least if you boo me off,
I can go for my fag break.
361
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:36,440
At least if you boo me off,
I can go for my fag break.
362
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,720
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
363
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,440
Come off it, come off it.
364
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,000
Listen,
I wasn't gonna say anything.
365
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:44,400
Listen,
I wasn't gonna say anything.
366
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,440
But I think I will. Sophie Straw
is here, ladies and gentlemen.
367
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,680
She's a real singer!
Let's get her up for a song.
368
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,000
Come on! Come on, Soph,
give us a song! Up you come.
369
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,440
Come on! Come on, Soph,
give us a song! Up you come.
370
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,320
Ah, you're alright,
I'm OK. Thank you.Oh.
371
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,000
Too grand.
No, I'd do it for two grand.
372
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:00,560
Too grand.
No, I'd do it for two grand.
373
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,520
(LAUGHTER)
There you go.Or um...
374
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:06,400
Or three packets of cheese and onion.
375
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,000
That we can do, that we can do!
376
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,120
That we can do, that we can do!
377
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,960
Ooh!
One, two...
378
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,120
Oh, there you go!
379
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,000
If you'd said four, you would've
put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)
380
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,040
If you'd said four, you would've
put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)
381
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,080
Alright, I'll do one.
Ooh, fab.(CHEERING)
382
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,000
You Are My Sunshine -
they love it here.I know that one.
383
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,040
You Are My Sunshine -
they love it here.I know that one.
384
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,720
BOTH: You are my...
385
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,400
SOPHIE: (OFF-KEY) ..sunshine!
(LAUGHTER)
386
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,000
Cheeky sod, she's had me!
387
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,200
Cheeky sod, she's had me!
388
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,560
I thought that was the way to do it.
389
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,000
How dare you!
(GRUNTS) Um...
390
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,600
Let's do it properly.
OK.
391
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:40,000
BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.
392
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,360
BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.
393
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,880
You make me happy...
Ooh!
394
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,000
Woo!
(SINGS) When skies are grey.
395
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:48,200
Woo!
(SINGS) When skies are grey.
396
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,120
Jeez, it's like
being at the Palladium!
397
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,040
BOTH: You'll never know, dear...
398
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,000
how much I love you.
The moves, ladies and gentlemen!
399
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:56,800
how much I love you.
The moves, ladies and gentlemen!
400
00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,920
Please don't take my sunshine...
Oh, my God, I need a priest!
401
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,920
BOTH: ..away.
402
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:04,000
ALL: Please don't take...
403
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,720
ALL: Please don't take...
404
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:11,880
my sunshine away.
405
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:12,000
(APPLAUSE)
Sophie blooming Straw!
406
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,720
(APPLAUSE)
Sophie blooming Straw!
407
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,400
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE)
Oh, my God.
408
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,000
So, I was thinking, maybe...
come up and help me.
409
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,520
So, I was thinking, maybe...
come up and help me.
410
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,360
Come on.
They don't want...
411
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,840
Come on, you two.
(EVERYONE SINGING 'JOSHUA')
412
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,000
Up you get.
413
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,560
Up you get.
414
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,120
I'm really sorry.
415
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,000
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.
416
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:36,320
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.
417
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:39,520
No, I'm sorrier.
I didn't mean what I said. I just -
418
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,480
You're just sorry.
I just got to a point...
419
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:44,000
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,
420
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,200
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,
421
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:51,320
Josh-u-osh-u-ah!
422
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:57,320
The show's gonna be about Barbara
and her friend, who is a woman.
423
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,000
So, two women?
Uh...
424
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:00,680
So, two women?
Uh...
425
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,160
A woman and another woman?
426
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,440
Yeah, and it's not Just Barbara.
It's Barbara Plus...someone.
427
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,000
And it's going to be about work,
and adventures, and friendship,
428
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,320
And it's going to be about work,
and adventures, and friendship,
429
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:15,080
and pants, and all of the things that
girls do when men aren't looking.
430
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,000
And yes, there can be dates,
and relationships,
431
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,000
And yes, there can be dates,
and relationships,
432
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,160
but it's not all about
trying to impress blokes.
433
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,000
So, who's the friend character?
Um...
434
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:24,120
So, who's the friend character?
Um...
435
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,200
Someone that's not
as giddy as Barbara,
436
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,200
a little more down to earth,
and not afraid to tell her
437
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,600
when she's getting too big
for her kinky boots.
438
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:32,000
But who's the straight one?Why does
there have to be a straight one?
439
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,520
But who's the straight one?Why does
there have to be a straight one?
440
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,600
Just checking, um...this means...
441
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,000
you want us to flush weeks
of solid work down the crapper?
442
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:40,480
you want us to flush weeks
of solid work down the crapper?
443
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,960
Yeah, right before studio?
Chaps.
444
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,880
I knew he would take her side.
445
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,360
When he starts with 'chaps',
he's already made up his mind.
446
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,000
Let's try it.
(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my...
447
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,440
Let's try it.
(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my...
448
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,360
You won't have to junk everything.
449
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,000
You'll have to junk everything.
(GRUNTS)
450
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:56,920
You'll have to junk everything.
(GRUNTS)
451
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,840
Weeks of my life...
452
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:00,800
..gone!
453
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,000
How about a British sitcom
about two women?
454
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:04,240
How about a British sitcom
about two women?
455
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:08,440
I mean, we're half the population,
and who's writing that show?
456
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,480
Not Johnny Speight, I don't think.
457
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:12,000
Or Galton and Simpson.
458
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,600
Or Galton and Simpson.
459
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,720
We could be the first.
460
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,440
Well, it's a blatant appeal
to our egos.
461
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,000
Well, she's not stupid.
But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?
462
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,160
Well, she's not stupid.
But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?
463
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,440
Well, I do have someone in mind.
464
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,960
Hey!
Ah, Greta.Yes.
465
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,000
Greta.
Hey.
466
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:36,800
Greta.
Hey.
467
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,280
I'm Dennis Mahindra,
I'm the Director.
468
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,440
Nice.Um...
I'm not familiar with your work.
469
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,000
Have I seen you somewhere before?
The Rose and Crown?
470
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,520
Have I seen you somewhere before?
The Rose and Crown?
471
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,680
Um... Or my uncle's market stall
on a Saturday morning,
472
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,720
where I do a lot of my best work.
473
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,600
Right. Right.
474
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,280
Um... Why don't you come on through?
475
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,000
We could maybe read a page or two
from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.
476
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,320
We could maybe read a page or two
from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.
477
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,360
So, can you read from there?
478
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,120
(CLEARS THROAT)
In your own time.
479
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,000
Read? Not much call for reading
in the East End.
480
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,280
Read? Not much call for reading
in the East End.
481
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,320
Um... Anyway, OK.
482
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,520
Hello...Baba...
483
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:16,000
Baba...
484
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,680
Baba...
485
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,520
Hello, Baba...
486
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,040
Barbara.
487
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,000
What a mag...magni...
488
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,040
What a mag...magni...
489
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:29,400
magnifi -
Magnificent.
490
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,000
What a...magnificent dress.
491
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,320
What a...magnificent dress.
492
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,880
Is it shellfish...selfish...
493
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,320
Is it from Selfridge?
494
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,320
Thank you, Greta. Um...
495
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,000
Sophie, could I have a word?
496
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:48,160
Sophie, could I have a word?
497
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,000
We only learn to read the words
we use.
498
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,120
We only learn to read the words
we use.
499
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,360
Rickets, eels...
500
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,720
polio!
Um... She... She...
501
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,560
has some presence.
502
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,720
Certainly some potential there.
(LAUGHS)
503
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,720
I'm just not sure how this is
going to work on a technical level.
504
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:12,000
Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent
dress. Is it from Selfridges?
505
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,680
Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent
dress. Is it from Selfridges?
506
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:18,560
So, Barbara, you admit to taking
the dress from the lost property
at the bus station?
507
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,000
(LAUGHTER)
Can I read?!Oh...
508
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,480
(LAUGHTER)
Can I read?!Oh...
509
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,960
Well, yeah, we like this one, Den.
510
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,760
Yeah, can we keep her?
Please can we keep her?
511
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,000
GRETA: Huh?
Yes.
512
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,160
GRETA: Huh?
Yes.
513
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,400
Yes. But just not today.
I've gotta get back to the boozer.
514
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,720
Busy lunchtime -
the strippers are in. But yeah!
515
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:36,000
Well done, Greta!
516
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,760
Well done, Greta!
517
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:40,360
518
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,720
519
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,000
520
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:44,920
521
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,840
522
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,040
523
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,000
524
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:52,800
525
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,880
526
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,400
527
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,000
The way you held me up
528
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:00,440
The way you held me up
529
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,320
530
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:06,120
'Darling, I love you'
531
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,000
You gave me faith to go on
532
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:08,480
You gave me faith to go on
533
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,440
And we've only just begun...
534
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,280
I like 'Luck Be Two Ladies'.
535
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,000
Is Luckby in London?Exactly,
that's why it's a shit idea.
536
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:16,040
Is Luckby in London?Exactly,
that's why it's a shit idea.
537
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:20,160
It's good, it should hint at where
they live.Maisonettes Of Mayhem.
538
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,480
Oh, my God.
(GASPS) House Of Hairspray.
539
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,000
Barbara's Bedsit.
No, it should um...
540
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,520
Barbara's Bedsit.
No, it should um...
541
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,640
It needs to include both us girls.
Yes, exactly.
542
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,280
Two Funny Fannys!
Ugh.Oh, sorry.
543
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:32,000
You should never
have 'funny' in the title.
544
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,800
You should never
have 'funny' in the title.
545
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,040
It's just asking for a kicking.
Mm.
546
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,800
Right, come on, we've got...
547
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,000
They're girls. They're women.
548
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,000
They're girls. They're women.
549
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,240
They're birds.
550
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,280
(GASPS) Dolly Birds.
551
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,000
Oh, Bird Bath.
Tony!
552
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:48,320
Oh, Bird Bath.
Tony!
553
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,680
What kind of show is that?
Come on, they live in a flat.
554
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,520
It's called Flat Birds!
555
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,280
Flat Birds.
556
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,000
(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.
557
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,080
(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.
558
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,400
That's really good.
559
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,000
Yeah.
560
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,040
(LAUGHS)
I love it.
561
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,680
Oh, my hat.
So, what...Oh.
562
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,040
Er... (CLEARS THROAT)
Come on, Bill. We're this way.
563
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,280
What?
Night-night.
564
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,000
See you tomorrow. Lots to do.
565
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:20,120
See you tomorrow. Lots to do.
566
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,560
Yeah, cheers for that, Flat Bird.
(LAUGHS)
567
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,720
Edith'll be wondering where you are.
568
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,760
It's fine, Dennis, I know.
569
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,000
I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.
570
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,440
I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.
571
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,680
See you tomorrow.
572
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,000
Good day's work.
573
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,320
Good day's work.
574
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,560
Bye.
DRIVER: Evening.(TAXI DOOR CLOSES)
575
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,280
(ENGINE STARTS)
576
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,000
(TAXI DEPARTS)
577
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,160
(TAXI DEPARTS)
578
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,640
(FAINT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
579
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,800
Can I help? (LAUGHS)
No, no, no.
580
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,080
I'm cooking tonight,
before my late shift.Ooh.
581
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:24,000
And I thought...let's have Italian.
582
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,640
And I thought...let's have Italian.
583
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,880
(CHUCKLES) Ah, lovely.
I know all about pasta.
584
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,680
Oh, yeah?
I've had it twice.Oh, yeah!
585
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:32,000
Didn't normally
look like that, though.
586
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,000
Didn't normally
look like that, though.
587
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,800
Where'd you get this?
I picked it up in Soho.
588
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,040
Blimey.
What were you doing down there?
589
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,000
Oh, the boss sent me -
on an errand, you know?
590
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,000
Oh, the boss sent me -
on an errand, you know?
591
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,000
What?
Nothing.
592
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:48,200
What?
Nothing.
593
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,880
Do you normally go to this
much trouble for your um...
594
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,000
you know.
My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)
595
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:56,320
you know.
My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)
596
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,920
No. Then again,
I've never met a Marj before.
597
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,000
Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?
I dunno.
598
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,360
Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?
I dunno.
599
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,120
About 5'2", lovely.
600
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,440
I am 5'4"!
(CHUCKLES)
601
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,760
Do you mind? What you doing?
Just checking you're real.
602
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,920
Hang on, wait.
603
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,000
Let me see if...this works.
What are you...?
604
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,160
Let me see if...this works.
What are you...?
605
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:24,000
No, no, no, I just wanna
see if it works. Trust me.
606
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,040
I... (CHUCKLES)
607
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,000
It's what we call in the trade
a kissing step.
608
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:36,360
It's what we call in the trade
a kissing step.
609
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:40,160
Oh, OK, a kissing step. Yeah, oh.
Mm.
610
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,720
Yeah, works.It works? Oh!
Yeah, good job. Brilliant.
611
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:44,000
That's good to know.
(CHUCKLES)
612
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,800
That's good to know.
(CHUCKLES)
613
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,640
Fancy a nightcap at mine?
614
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,960
We could have
some late-night ideas for the show.
615
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,000
I'm out of whisky, but June has got
some pear liqueur from Christmas...
616
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,280
I'm out of whisky, but June has got
some pear liqueur from Christmas...
617
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:57,600
1957.
Hmm.
618
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,000
Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,
but I'm cream crackered.
619
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:00,680
Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,
but I'm cream crackered.
620
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,720
I need my beauty sleep.
621
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,960
Oh.
622
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,920
See you, then.
623
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,560
(DOORBELL RINGS)
624
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,360
Dennis!
625
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,000
Hello...again.
626
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:24,960
Hello...again.
627
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,920
Um... Sorry, I know it's late.
628
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,000
But um...I just...
629
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:32,200
But um...I just...
630
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,720
..wanted to let you know that...
631
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,440
..I'm not with Edith.
632
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,120
And I...I never will be.
633
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,000
And I know that things are...
634
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,200
And I know that things are...
635
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,680
..different between us.
636
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:56,000
And...
637
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,600
And...
638
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,560
I should probably move on too.
639
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:04,000
But I just wanted to say...
640
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,960
But I just wanted to say...
641
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,240
..good night.
642
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:17,440
Dennis.
643
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:20,000
I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.
644
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,760
I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.
645
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,640
I couldn't.
646
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,360
Because I still had
a headful of someone else.
647
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,480
('I WILL WAIT' BY THE FOUR BUDDIES
PLAYS FAINTLY)
648
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,560
649
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:08,000
650
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,920
651
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,600
652
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,520
653
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,000
654
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:24,640
655
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:28,560
I'll be with you, darling, soon
656
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:32,000
When the stars start falling...
657
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:33,520
When the stars start falling...
658
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,600
Evening.
Evening.
659
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,600
Nice night for it.
660
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:46,280
Isn't it?
661
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,000
662
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,680
663
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:55,440
664
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:56,000
Got one! Dirty pervert.
665
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,560
Got one! Dirty pervert.
666
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,800
Fucking Christ!
667
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:08,800
Bastard pigs!
668
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,000
You're under arrest.
669
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:12,120
You're under arrest.
670
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,960
You're not obliged to say anything,
but anything you do say
671
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,520
will be taken down and may be given
in evidence.Your trousers?
672
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:19,560
(GRUNTS)
673
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:27,080
674
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:28,000
675
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,760
676
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:36,000
677
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:40,520
678
00:29:44,123 --> 00:29:46,120
(BIRDSONG)
679
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,000
(WHISPERS) You alright?
680
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,120
(WHISPERS) You alright?
681
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:55,240
(WHISPERS) Yes.
682
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:57,280
Are you?
683
00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,240
Mm.
684
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,520
(SOFTLY) I thought
that if we did this,
685
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:07,560
it might go away.
686
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,200
(WHISPERS) Well...
687
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,240
it hasn't.
688
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,040
Do we have to still wait three years?
689
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:27,400
What happens now?
690
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:38,720
(WHISPERS) I'll see you
in the rehearsal room.
691
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,000
Just for inspiration.
Morning.
692
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:49,120
Just for inspiration.
Morning.
693
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:53,240
Apparently, fondue sets
are last year's groove.
694
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,000
Oh, no. Just when
I bought 'em for all my friends.
695
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:56,680
Oh, no. Just when
I bought 'em for all my friends.
696
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,840
You...are wearing yesterday's shirt.
697
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:04,000
Where's Bill?He's always late
on days that have a Y in it.
698
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:07,440
Where's Bill?He's always late
on days that have a Y in it.
699
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,360
Morning.
700
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,000
And here she is arriving at
a slightly different time to Dennis.
701
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,280
And here she is arriving at
a slightly different time to Dennis.
702
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:16,720
Dennis.
Morning.
703
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,280
Where's Bill?
704
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:20,000
Oh, the telekinetic link between us
must be playing up.
705
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:23,600
Oh, the telekinetic link between us
must be playing up.
706
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:25,840
I haven't the foggiest.
707
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:27,760
Morning, everyone.
Morning.
708
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:28,000
Where's your mate?
709
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,560
Where's your mate?
710
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,520
Oh, I give up.
711
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,080
(PHONE RINGS)
712
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,000
Oh, that'll be Ted wanting
to know how we're getting on.Oh.
713
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,000
Oh, that'll be Ted wanting
to know how we're getting on.Oh.
714
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,760
Sensationally. Great concept.
715
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:43,160
Amazing actresses,
incredible writers.Oh!Hello? Yeah.
716
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:44,000
Ooh, what time do they get here?
(LAUGHTER)Easy.
717
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,200
Ooh, what time do they get here?
(LAUGHTER)Easy.
718
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,880
(CLEARS THROAT)
Feel free to tell us...
719
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,200
what happened with you two
last night, if you like.
720
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:53,840
Or not.
721
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:00,000
Oh, righty ho.
722
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,440
Oh, righty ho.
723
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,000
What did he say?
724
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,080
Uh, that wasn't Ted.
725
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,000
It was Bill.
726
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:08,160
It was Bill.
727
00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,920
Oh, what, has he fallen asleep
on a bus again, has he?
728
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:16,000
Wh-Where is he, Den?
729
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:16,560
Wh-Where is he, Den?
730
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:19,080
Vine Street Police Station.
731
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:20,840
Fucking hell!
732
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,920
(GASPS)
I have told him again and again!
733
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:24,000
I know, Tony.
Fuck! Sorry.
734
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:27,120
I know, Tony.
Fuck! Sorry.
735
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,800
It's OK. Heard worse at Holy
Communion. So, what's happened?
736
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:32,000
Look, he needs a lawyer.
I don't suppose he has one?
737
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,560
Look, he needs a lawyer.
I don't suppose he has one?
738
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:39,000
Bill? A lawyer?
Of course he doesn't have a lawyer.
739
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,000
He doesn't even have curtains.
I need to make a call.
740
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,720
He doesn't even have curtains.
I need to make a call.
741
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:46,840
'Stop taking risks,' I said!
'It's Russian roulette.'
742
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:48,000
He's not just shot himself
in the knackers,
743
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:49,320
He's not just shot himself
in the knackers,
744
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,480
he's shot me in the knackers
as well! It is over!
745
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,200
It's not over.
It is!
746
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,000
(DIALS PHONE)
His career and mine.
747
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:56,600
(DIALS PHONE)
His career and mine.
748
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,360
Fucking hell.
749
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,400
Hi, it's Sophie.
750
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:04,000
I need to ask a favour.
751
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:05,240
I need to ask a favour.
752
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:12,000
Bill.
753
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:13,280
Bill.
754
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,880
I'm your lawyer, Pandora.
755
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:17,800
(DOOR CLOSES)
Sophie's mate?
756
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:20,000
Yeah, Soph called,
so I whizzed back from Scotland.
757
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:20,080
Yeah, Soph called,
so I whizzed back from Scotland.
758
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,960
Oh, so I've spoilt your holiday
on top of everything else.
759
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,880
Oh, God, no, no. I've already shot
three grouse, filleted a fisherman,
760
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,000
drove the bloody Land Rover
into a loch, so... (LAUGHS)
761
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:28,200
drove the bloody Land Rover
into a loch, so... (LAUGHS)
762
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,880
..I've pretty much done
the Highlands for this season.
763
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:32,960
I see you've had a bit of a run-in.
764
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:36,000
(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape
arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.
765
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,320
(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape
arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.
766
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,240
That's what they'll say, isn't it?
Doubtless, slippy bastards.
767
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,000
Look, I'm not saying it isn't
a cushy gaff I've got here,
768
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:44,240
Look, I'm not saying it isn't
a cushy gaff I've got here,
769
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,920
but if you could get me out,
that would be even better.
770
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,040
Yes, they don't want
to give you bail.
771
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:51,480
They think
you're going to do a runner.
772
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:52,000
What, in these trousers?
773
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,600
What, in these trousers?
774
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,920
So, we're trying to get you in front
of a judge as soon as possible.
775
00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:00,000
Now, is there anyone else you'd like
me to contact? Your family, or...?
776
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:00,240
Now, is there anyone else you'd like
me to contact? Your family, or...?
777
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,840
Oh, your parents
don't know you're...?Alive?
778
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,440
No.
779
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:14,080
I'm going to do my damnedest
to get your case heard quickly.Hm.
780
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:16,000
Smashing. I'll get
to prison much faster, then.
781
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,200
Smashing. I'll get
to prison much faster, then.
782
00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:19,760
Yeah. I'm going to pull
every string I've got.
783
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:21,960
(WHISPERS) And that's
quite a lot of strings.
784
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:24,000
Pandora?
785
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:24,760
Pandora?
786
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:28,600
There is something else.
787
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,000
MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks
and your stupid pasta!
788
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,120
MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks
and your stupid pasta!
789
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:35,600
Wait, please!
Oh, and here's your step, which...
790
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,760
it's a rubbish step,
anyway, actually.
791
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,000
No real carpenter would get away
with that kind of shoddy work.
792
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:40,520
No real carpenter would get away
with that kind of shoddy work.
793
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:43,280
Actually, can you just clear off
before I call the police?
794
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,520
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, wait, sorry.
Sorry, you are the police.
795
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:48,000
I'm so sorry, Marj.
I thought you'd stop seeing me
if you knew I was a cop!
796
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,640
I'm so sorry, Marj.
I thought you'd stop seeing me
if you knew I was a cop!
797
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:51,560
They beat him up -
798
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,440
badly - and you didn't step in.
799
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,320
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
800
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,720
I'm so sorry!
801
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,640
Look, you're right.
802
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:04,000
I should've helped.
I should've stepped in.
803
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:05,120
I should've helped.
I should've stepped in.
804
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:07,920
But I wasn't brave enough.
805
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:12,000
Look, the first time
I came home in blue, my mum cried.
806
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,040
Look, the first time
I came home in blue, my mum cried.
807
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:15,320
She was so proud.
808
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:17,680
And I thought by joining that...
809
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:20,000
maybe I could
make a difference or something.
810
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:20,120
maybe I could
make a difference or something.
811
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,720
Yeah, well, it's a good...good job
I didn't see you in that uniform,
812
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,800
cos I bet you looked
a right tit in that helmet.
813
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,440
If you'd have
just told me the truth, then...
814
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,360
I'm keeping this
stupid step, anyway,
815
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,520
just for high shelves and that.
816
00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:51,800
(WHIMPERS)
817
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:52,000
(ORCHESTRAL VERSION
OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)
818
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,280
(ORCHESTRAL VERSION
OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)
819
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,520
You not dancing?
820
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,000
Oh, no, I'm not dancing -
two left feet, me.
821
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:08,360
Oh, no, I'm not dancing -
two left feet, me.
822
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,680
I'm just gasping for a cuppa.
823
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,520
Oh, I think we can squeeze
one more out of this.Thanks.
824
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:16,000
Milk?
Yes, please.
825
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:16,920
Milk?
Yes, please.
826
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,200
Have you come far?
You're not from around here.
827
00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:21,760
Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm just looking for family.
828
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,000
Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?
Oh, no.
829
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:24,360
Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?
Oh, no.
830
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,160
Not me. Sophie's. Sophie Straw?
831
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:30,200
I'm a friend of hers,
and I heard her mum works here,
832
00:36:30,240 --> 00:36:32,000
so I thought I'd pop in
and say hello.
833
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:32,520
so I thought I'd pop in
and say hello.
834
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:36,080
Wait, you're not Gloria, are you?
835
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,120
Oh, yes, I can see the likeness.
836
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:40,000
You must get that a lot.
837
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,520
You must get that a lot.
838
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:44,960
I don't broadcast it.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.Oh.
839
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,000
I'm Lynda. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
840
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:51,760
It is very complicated, isn't it?
Family.
841
00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:55,960
Especially yours.
842
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:59,600
Must've been so difficult keeping
a secret like that for so long.
843
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:04,000
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm a friend of Sophie's.
844
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,400
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm a friend of Sophie's.
845
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,840
Well, if you're from the press,
I've got nothing to say.
846
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,880
And there are tables need clearing.
847
00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:12,000
You can ring me
if you change your mind.
848
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:13,920
You can ring me
if you change your mind.
849
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,920
Might be a relief - to get it off
your chest after all these years.
850
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,000
We will be running the story
about your famous daughter,
851
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,440
We will be running the story
about your famous daughter,
852
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:23,480
with or without your help.
853
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,440
Not that we want
to put you under any pressure...
854
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:35,000
..but we need to finish the script.
855
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:36,000
He's in good hands.
856
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:36,600
He's in good hands.
857
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,440
So what?
858
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,160
He's still gonna go to jail.
859
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,000
No.
860
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,000
I can't be funny, not now.
861
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,920
And don't say I wasn't funny anyway.
862
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,000
Really? It was an open goal.
863
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,240
Really? It was an open goal.
864
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:57,320
I can hardly breathe,
let alone put words down.
865
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:05,240
(DOOR OPENS)
866
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:08,000
We need some fucking ideas.
867
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:09,920
We need some fucking ideas.
868
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,960
Ray and Alan would've
spunked out an episode by lunchtime.
869
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,000
Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis...
870
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:16,440
Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis...
871
00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:19,320
..fetch me a fish paste sarnie.
872
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,000
These two birds, then.
873
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:24,040
These two birds, then.
874
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:27,760
What they gonna do today?
Put on makeup?
875
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,160
Make a tea?
Oh, that's exciting.
876
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:32,000
Cheers, Bill.
877
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:32,760
Cheers, Bill.
878
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:36,800
OK.
879
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,600
What if it's funny foods?
880
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:40,000
Um... Saveloys.
881
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,960
Um... Saveloys.
882
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:43,840
Pancakes!
883
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,960
It's Pancake Day.
884
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,000
And the girls have
a right old ding-dong
885
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:48,120
And the girls have
a right old ding-dong
886
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:50,160
about the right way to cook 'em.
887
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:52,400
Well, we put 'em together.
888
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,600
So, one of 'em wants
to get dolled up and go out,
889
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:56,000
and the other one
wants to make pancakes.Yeah.
890
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,880
and the other one
wants to make pancakes.Yeah.
891
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,840
So they have to get dolled up...
AND make pancakes at the same time.
892
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:03,600
Yeah.
This is good.And th...
893
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:04,000
BOTH: Shh! We're working.
894
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:05,720
BOTH: Shh! We're working.
895
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:07,840
Yeah.
Alright.
896
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:12,000
Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -
get out of your horse-hair wig.
897
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:12,360
Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -
get out of your horse-hair wig.
898
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:14,800
No, no, no.
Stay as long as you like.
899
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,360
Never seen the place
looking so tidy.
900
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,000
Didn't you have a single orgy?
(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!
901
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:20,280
Didn't you have a single orgy?
(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!
902
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,320
No, goodness, no. Um...
903
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,640
No, I best get back to Marj's.
904
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:28,000
The more shoulders she has to cry on,
the better.
905
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:28,800
The more shoulders she has to cry on,
the better.
906
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:31,120
Poor thing.
That's odd.
907
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:33,920
This looks like an original.
908
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,000
I swear the one I bought was some
old cheap toss from Portobello.
909
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,160
I swear the one I bought was some
old cheap toss from Portobello.
910
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,200
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
(CHUCKLES)
911
00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:41,240
(CHUCKLES)
912
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:44,000
So, what happens with Bill now?
913
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:44,680
So, what happens with Bill now?
914
00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:47,080
Well, I've managed
to get the trial set for Monday.
915
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,280
And what are his chances?
916
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,000
Not remotely tremendous.
917
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:52,320
Not remotely tremendous.
918
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:55,080
There's talk of the law changing,
but we're not there yet.
919
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,040
Best hope is for a lenient judge.
920
00:39:57,080 --> 00:39:59,720
There's not many of those
to the pound.I feel so powerless.
921
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:00,000
Yes, that's because all the power in
Britain is with a bunch of posh boys
922
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,640
Yes, that's because all the power in
Britain is with a bunch of posh boys
923
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,280
who went to school in top hats
and dry-humped themselves to sleep.
924
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:08,000
Yes, I'm rather running out
of strings to pull,
925
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,480
Yes, I'm rather running out
of strings to pull,
926
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:13,640
so if you do have
any chums in high places,
927
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:15,640
now would be the time to call.
928
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:18,920
TED: Absolutely not!
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
929
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,040
Miss Straw... (EXHALES)
930
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:24,000
..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner
are of no personal interest to me.
931
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:25,280
..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner
are of no personal interest to me.
932
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,640
But he is charged with a crime,
933
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,480
and I cannot, and I will not,
have this corporation,
934
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:32,000
or any of its most prominent talent,
anywhere near it.
935
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,200
or any of its most prominent talent,
anywhere near it.
936
00:40:34,240 --> 00:40:37,040
(INHALES) You are to stay
as far away from this as you can.
937
00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:39,240
Now, that is not advice.
That is an instruction.
938
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:42,920
I see.
939
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,480
Sophie, I am trying to protect you.
940
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,240
The question is
will you listen to me?
941
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,280
Don't I always?
942
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:56,000
Oh, by the way, the show has changed.
943
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,040
Oh, by the way, the show has changed.
944
00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:02,480
It's about two women,
and it's called Flat Birds.
945
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:09,120
(KNOCK AT DOOR)Oh, it's
those blooming newspapers again.
946
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:12,000
Oh, don't go giving them
your opinion, Marie.
947
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:12,680
Oh, don't go giving them
your opinion, Marie.
948
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,760
It only encourages them.
949
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,000
How many times do I have to...
950
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:20,520
How many times do I have to...
951
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:22,080
Oh.
952
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:24,920
Well...
953
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:26,960
Well, you've got some nerve.
954
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:29,640
What do you want?
955
00:41:31,240 --> 00:41:34,680
Marie, can I come in?Anything you've
got to say, you can say out here.
956
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,080
Really, I can't.
957
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,000
PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?
No, it's a media circus, all for...
958
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:46,320
PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?
No, it's a media circus, all for...
959
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,840
Oh, here she is - Sophie Straw
arriving to take the stand
960
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:51,800
in the trial of Writer Bill Gardiner.
961
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:52,000
BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.
962
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,800
BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.
963
00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:59,840
Therefore a significant
custodial sentence must be imposed.
964
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:00,000
We have to consider
the safety of innocent citizens.
965
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:04,080
We have to consider
the safety of innocent citizens.
966
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:08,000
Miss Erskine-Aubigny,
do you want to reply?
967
00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:09,160
Miss Erskine-Aubigny,
do you want to reply?
968
00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:12,600
Your Honour, we do not agree
969
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:15,760
that a custodial sentence
is appropriate in this case.
970
00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:16,000
My client has
professional obligations
971
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,280
My client has
professional obligations
972
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,760
of an extremely pressing nature.
973
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:24,000
(SCOFFS)To explain more,
I call Barbara Parker...
974
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:24,560
(SCOFFS)To explain more,
I call Barbara Parker...
975
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,120
more widely known as Sophie Straw.
976
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,880
(MUTTERING)
977
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,000
Don't play the room, Sophie.
No, don't, I mean it.
978
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,000
Don't play the room, Sophie.
No, don't, I mean it.
979
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:35,440
The Judge won't take kindly
if we push him.
980
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:40,000
Your...Worship.
981
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:40,040
Your...Worship.
982
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:42,520
Honour.
Honour.
983
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,280
Your Honour.
984
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,680
I have known Mr Gardiner
for quite some time,
985
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,000
and I consider him
a very close personal friend.
986
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:51,240
and I consider him
a very close personal friend.
987
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:54,600
I can say that he is very sorry,
988
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:56,000
and he will not reoffend.
989
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:56,680
and he will not reoffend.
990
00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:04,000
I can say that,
and you might let him off.
991
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,000
I can say that,
and you might let him off.
992
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,840
But in saying that...
993
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:11,200
I'd be leaving out who, and what,
994
00:43:11,240 --> 00:43:12,000
Bill Gardiner truly is.
995
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,440
Bill Gardiner truly is.
996
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:15,800
Your Honour -Sophie, no.
And what Bill is...
997
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:19,480
That's enough...is the funny,
talented person who co-wrote
998
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:20,000
the exploding bathroom scene
in Jim And Barbara.
999
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,840
the exploding bathroom scene
in Jim And Barbara.
1000
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:26,120
He's brave, passionate, clever,
1001
00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,000
scratchy, downright stubborn,
1002
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:29,560
scratchy, downright stubborn,
1003
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:31,480
and his favourite food...
1004
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:33,720
is crisp sarnie and saveloy.
Your Honour.
1005
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,000
Keep to the point, please,
Miss Straw!But right now, though...
1006
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:37,000
Keep to the point, please,
Miss Straw!But right now, though...
1007
00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:39,280
you're all here
to pass judgement on this man
1008
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:41,800
because of who he likes to cuddle.
1009
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,000
Which is, quite honestly,
nobody's business.
1010
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:45,680
Which is, quite honestly,
nobody's business.
1011
00:43:45,720 --> 00:43:47,840
The court has now
heard the arguments.
1012
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,640
I mean, I'm sure none of you lot
would like people poking about
1013
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,000
in your bedrooms, rifling through
your knicker drawer.Your Honour!
1014
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:53,480
in your bedrooms, rifling through
your knicker drawer.Your Honour!
1015
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:57,200
Miss Straw makes a valid point about
personal freedom and hypocrisy...
1016
00:43:57,240 --> 00:44:00,000
Your Honour.Now, the law is going
to change soon, and we all know that.
1017
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:01,680
Your Honour.Now, the law is going
to change soon, and we all know that.
1018
00:44:01,720 --> 00:44:04,360
And all I'm saying
is I reckon you lot,
1019
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:06,520
if you don't get a grip sharpish,
1020
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:08,000
you're going to end up on the wrong
side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!
1021
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:10,080
you're going to end up on the wrong
side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!
1022
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:11,480
(GASPS)
1023
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:15,800
This is a court, Miss Straw,
not Speakers' Corner.
1024
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:16,000
In conclusion...
1025
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:18,560
In conclusion...
1026
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:23,800
..I beg you to please
look up at this man and...
1027
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:24,000
and really see him.
1028
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,840
and really see him.
1029
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:29,200
He might act like
he doesn't give a tuppenny bit,
1030
00:44:29,240 --> 00:44:32,000
but he is loving, he is loyal,
1031
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:32,800
but he is loving, he is loyal,
1032
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:35,480
and he is beautiful.
1033
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:38,720
Bill hasn't hurt anyone,
1034
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:40,000
but he is the one
who is being broken.
1035
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:41,640
but he is the one
who is being broken.
1036
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,520
Sophie. Sophie.
1037
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,760
Yeah.
1038
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:48,000
And-And that's all I have to say.
1039
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:48,920
And-And that's all I have to say.
1040
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,440
Beg your pardon, Your Wigship.
1041
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:56,000
(MURMURING)
1042
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:56,360
(MURMURING)
1043
00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:09,320
No jail time!
Wahey!Yes!
1044
00:45:09,360 --> 00:45:12,000
Just a £50 fine.What an insult.
I'm worth so much more.
1045
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:12,640
Just a £50 fine.What an insult.
I'm worth so much more.
1046
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:15,440
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, here she is. To Pandora.
1047
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,160
To Sophie!
To Bill!To everyone.Well done.
1048
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:20,000
At least now I know how my book's
gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!
1049
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:21,120
At least now I know how my book's
gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!
1050
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:25,720
Let's get the hell out of here
before the Judge comes back and
arrests us all for loitering.Yeah!
1051
00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:30,040
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
1052
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:33,440
Hang on, hang on, I'm coming.
1053
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:36,000
(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?
1054
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:36,760
(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?
1055
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:44,000
We need to have a chat, love.
The three of us.
1056
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,000
We need to have a chat, love.
The three of us.
1057
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:49,000
1058
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:51,320
1059
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:54,440
1060
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:56,600
1061
00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:59,240
1062
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:02,040
1063
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:05,120
1064
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:07,160
1065
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:08,000
1066
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:09,360
1067
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:14,160
Since he's been gone
1068
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:16,000
Worth mentioning
1069
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:17,440
Worth mentioning
1070
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:19,480
1071
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,120
1072
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:24,000
Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky
1073
00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:24,880
Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky
80994
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