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The following programme
contains strong language.
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Let's Stick Together
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(POSH ACCENT):
Good morning, gentlemen.
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(INHALES AND EXHALES SHARPLY)
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My show, my terms.
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My show, my terms.
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I propose that we reunite,
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for the purposes of making
Just Barbara.
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for the purposes of making
Just Barbara.
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And as Britain's topmost comedy
writers,
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we also have some terms...
And some conditions...
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That will need to be met.
That will also need to be met.
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That will need to be met.
That will also need to be met.
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More pay.
Double the money.
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Photographs of our faces
to appear on the screen credits.
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Photographs of our faces
to appear on the screen credits.
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Like Galton and Simpson.
Caption before the show title.
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Yeah, to read "Bill Gardiner
and Tony Holmes present"...
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Yeah, to read "Bill Gardiner
and Tony Holmes present"...
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Anything else?
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A slap-up lunch.
Hmm.
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And what do I get in return?
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Some extremely well-crafted gags.
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Some extremely well-crafted gags.
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Quite well-crafted gags.
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Well, thank you for outlining
your terms, gentlemen.
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Well, thank you for outlining
your terms, gentlemen.
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I will take them
into...serious consideration.
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Right, done that.
(ALL LAUGH)
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Have whatever ya like, lads,
it's good to have you back.
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(ALL CHEER) (POSH ACCENT):
Eunice, bring on the biscuits.
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(ALL CHEER) (POSH ACCENT):
Eunice, bring on the biscuits.
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please.
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Oh, shit.Oh, crumbs.You chancers
are lucky to have a job.
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Thank you for the terms
and conditions,
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Thank you for the terms
and conditions,
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they are utterly ridiculous.
(GASPS)Now, do get out.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
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Thanks, boss. Sorry to disturb.
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Thanks, boss. Sorry to disturb.
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Thank you so much.
Sorry, Ted.
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(WHISPERS): Out!
(WHIMPERS)
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a-arms
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of my heart now, baby
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of my heart now, baby
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of my heart now, baby
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of my heart now, baby
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of my heart now, baby
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you feel good
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you feel good
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00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,000
Oh, yes, Ted, of course, Ted.
Can I lick your arse, Ted(?)
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Oh, yes, Ted, of course, Ted.
Can I lick your arse, Ted(?)
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Oh, give it a rest, Bill.
What were you doing?
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Uh, standing there
thinking about shoes.
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Ah, the old familiar Bill
and Tony tang of fags,
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Ah, the old familiar Bill
and Tony tang of fags,
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00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:53,440
sweat and desperation.Er, excuse me,
I'm always expensively perfumed.
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Well, he dowsed himself
just for you, in eau de odour.
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Well, he dowsed himself
just for you, in eau de odour.
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00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,400
Great example there of a gag that
only works on the page, Tony.
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And here's one
that only works on the finger, Bill.
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So, chaps...
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So, chaps...
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any thoughts on act one?
What, of the sitcom?
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No, the Merchant of Venice(!)
Yeah, of course the fucking sitcom.
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Alright, give us a chance. (SCOFFS)
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Alright, give us a chance. (SCOFFS)
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Well, I just, I thought I saw
a piece of paper with words on it.
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No, er,
y-you must be thinking of this.
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What's that, Tone?
It's from the director general.
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What's that, Tone?
It's from the director general.
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Oh, crikey, the director general?
Yeah,
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it's just welcoming us back,
but there are some new taste
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00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,000
and decency rules
for the old green book.Oh.
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00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,120
and decency rules
for the old green book.Oh.
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00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:33,240
Oh, great(!)"Firstly, the word
'bottom' can now be used
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"only in the context
of scraping barrels
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"or to indicate the underside
of an object,
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00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,880
"or to indicate the underside
of an object,
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00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:43,560
"NOT to describe the fleshy mounds
attached to a human nethers.
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00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,000
"This area will now be referred to
as 'upper leg lumps'
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"This area will now be referred to
as 'upper leg lumps'
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"or 'chunky back-balls'."
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"'Balls' must only be
used in the context of tennis,
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00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,680
"'Balls' must only be
used in the context of tennis,
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"but not in the context
of a gentleman's hairy baggage,
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"and 'nuts' must only be mentioned
as something you put in your mouth."
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00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,480
"and 'nuts' must only be mentioned
as something you put in your mouth."
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(INHALES SHARPLY) "We hope you will
find these guidelines useful
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"for your new shit-com."
"Just bra-bra."
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"for your new shit-com."
"Just bra-bra."
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"Yours sincerely, Director General
Sir Nigel Mingeworthy Wankerton."
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(LAUGHS)
Well, I just... (SIGHS)
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Oh, wow. Yes, that's very,
very helpful(!)(LAUGHS)
106
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,600
Oh, wow. Yes, that's very,
very helpful(!)(LAUGHS)
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But, erm, lads, you... Oh,
you forgot his, er, PS at the end.
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But, erm, lads, you... Oh,
you forgot his, er, PS at the end.
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"I would also like to invite you
all over to my house for drinks,
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"where I will be serving my own
mouth-watering cock."
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Excuse me?
Tails! Cocktails!
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Excuse me?
Tails! Cocktails!
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(LAUGHS)
Hmm.God.(LAUGHS)
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(LIGHTER CLICKS)
Erm...
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Sophie.
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Sophie.
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(CLOCK TICKS)
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Would you like a cup of tea?
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You Can't Get Away From It
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You Can't Get Away From It
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Yes, I-I would love a cup of tea.
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Thank you, Dennis.
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130
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(BUCKET WHEELS SQUEAK)
(SIGHS)
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(BUCKET WHEELS SQUEAK)
(SIGHS)
134
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,040
(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)
(SIGHS)
135
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You wanna put some oil on that,
Marie.
136
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It's like you're strangling
a budgie.
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She was right on the end
of the telephone,
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She was right on the end
of the telephone,
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and you couldn't rouse
yourself to say hello.
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(SIGHS) God.You know it wasn't like
that.Well, What was it like?
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She wanted to hear your voice,
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She wanted to hear your voice,
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hear you say it was alright.
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Well, I can't do that.
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(SIGHS)
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(SIGHS)
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Didn't think it was that bad.
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It was a bit cheeky chops,
but it made me smile.
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(SIGHS) I'm not talking about the
telly show,
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(SIGHS) I'm not talking about the
telly show,
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sister of mine, I'm talking about
what happened with her mother.
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We decided-
You decided.
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We decided-
You decided.
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I always warned you
that all this cloak
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and dagger nonsense would come
back to bite us on the bum side.
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Backside. I didn't get a say.
(SIGHS)
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Oh, change the bloody record, Marie.
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Oh, change the bloody record, Marie.
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I'm sorry that you never had
a kiddie of your own.
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I have made my peace with that,
but I have not made my peace with...
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I have made my peace with that,
but I have not made my peace with...
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(SIGHS) Our Sophie, doesn't have a
clue what's going on!Our Sophie?
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Don't call her that.
I will call her what I like.
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She's our Barbara.
She's not our Barbara anymore.
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She's our Barbara.
She's not our Barbara anymore.
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We've lost her.
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00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,400
And I miss her.
168
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,000
I miss her! (CRYING)
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I miss her! (CRYING)
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And you think I don't?
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(SEAGULLS CRY)
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Alright, alright, alright,
not that. Er...
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Right, erm... What about this?
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Er,
Barbara goes on a cookery course,
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Er,
Barbara goes on a cookery course,
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er, finally meets the perfect fella,
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00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,080
cos he CAN cook,
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but he... He... He's not falling for
her charms.No,
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00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,400
but he... He... He's not falling for
her charms.No,
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00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,480
wouldn't happen.Well, why not?
Some men are great in the kitchen.
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No, that's not what I meant.
(SIGHS)I meant...the charm.
182
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,280
No, that's not what I meant.
(SIGHS)I meant...the charm.
183
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,680
Sophie, you'll just have to tell us,
184
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,840
what is it like out
there for a modern young woman?
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00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:20,000
Well, I'm not really out there.
186
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,360
Well, I'm not really out there.
187
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,360
I'm... I'm... I'm more out but in.
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I know the feeling.Come on, Soph,
you've been with different fellas,
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00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,000
I know the feeling.Come on, Soph,
you've been with different fellas,
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00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,440
and you've been engaged
a couple of times.Oh, my God.
191
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,760
You make me
sound like Elizabeth Taylor.
192
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,640
How many times she
been divorced? Five, six?
193
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:36,000
Teen?Yes, well, let's not
shame a woman for being divorced.
194
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,160
Teen?Yes, well, let's not
shame a woman for being divorced.
195
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,240
Yes, alright then, Den.
Come on, what about you?
196
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,000
You must've, er, done some,
catting around before you met Edith.
197
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,040
You must've, er, done some,
catting around before you met Edith.
198
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,400
I met Edith during fresher's
week at Cambridge.Oh!
199
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,960
(THEY MOCK)
200
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,040
So, there's actually a week where the
students get fresh with each other?
201
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,000
Well, it's...
It's not that sort of fresh.
202
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,000
Exactly that kind of fresh
from what I've heard.
203
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,160
Exactly that kind of fresh
from what I've heard.
204
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,320
Erm, Bill...
(CLEARS THROAT)
205
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,960
..why don't you, er,
tell us about your experiences?
206
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,000
Well, my experiences
are going in my book.
207
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,200
Well, my experiences
are going in my book.
208
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,720
You'll have to pay
if you want to read about those.
209
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,000
Tony, what about you?
Well, thanks for asking, Bill.
210
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:16,360
Tony, what about you?
Well, thanks for asking, Bill.
211
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,840
I-I would love to share the personal
aspects of my private life
212
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,560
for you to rip the piss out of(!)
213
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,000
How about Barbara's just ended it
with her boyfriend, and-
214
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:24,680
How about Barbara's just ended it
with her boyfriend, and-
215
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,880
They have break-up sex.
Or make-up sex.
216
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,920
Make-up sex?
217
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,360
Sex with make-up? Is that a thing?
Oh, it's a thing.
218
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,000
There's no sex going on at all.
219
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,120
There's no sex going on at all.
220
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,240
Shall we just go
for that slap-up lunch?
221
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:48,000
Alright. Come on, let's get on.
222
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,600
Alright. Come on, let's get on.
223
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,000
No, no, no, no, no, the best
punishment in Dante's Divine Comedy
224
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,120
No, no, no, no, no, the best
punishment in Dante's Divine Comedy
225
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,360
is the one inflicted
on the gluttons.
226
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:04,000
(ALL LAUGH)
Pushed into a stinking pit of mud
227
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:04,240
(ALL LAUGH)
Pushed into a stinking pit of mud
228
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,880
and watched over
by a three-headed hound.
229
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,240
Now, that's funny!
(ALL LAUGH)
230
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,280
(CLEARS THROAT)
231
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:12,000
Your ex could learn a thing or two
about the classics. (CLEARS THROAT)
232
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,240
Your ex could learn a thing or two
about the classics. (CLEARS THROAT)
233
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,760
Ah, I think Dennis is
aware of the legacy.
234
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,000
I wish he were aware of the urgency
of giving you a divorce.
235
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,120
I wish he were aware of the urgency
of giving you a divorce.
236
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,360
Can't expect to be sitting here
like a chump, twiddling my thumbs.
237
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,480
I'm sorry, Vernon, it's...
238
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,000
it's not that simple, I... Oh.
239
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,360
it's not that simple, I... Oh.
240
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,280
Goodness.
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
241
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,000
So...
That's awkward.
242
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:36,840
So...
That's awkward.
243
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,800
Edith and Vernon Whitshit.
Mahindra.
244
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,760
What are you doing standing
there like a pillar of salt?
245
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,000
Den, you make a run for it,
we'll, uh, cover it with dance.
246
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,520
Den, you make a run for it,
we'll, uh, cover it with dance.
247
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,000
We were just
talking about Dante's Divine Comedy.
248
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,080
We were just
talking about Dante's Divine Comedy.
249
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,080
Sorry to hear about your own fall
from grace on the other channel.
250
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,000
It was hardly the fiery pit of hell.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
251
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,960
It was hardly the fiery pit of hell.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
252
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,440
We were just thinking about doing
a piece on Pipe Smoke,
253
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,000
looking at...
254
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:08,240
looking at...
255
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:12,400
modern comedy
in the context of the classics.
256
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,680
Well, I'm sure everyone's
looking forward to that.
257
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,000
We should have you on as a guest.
258
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:16,520
We should have you on as a guest.
259
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,360
Oh, uh, are we...
Are we sure about that?
260
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,640
I'm sure there are more qualified
people than me to talk about that.
261
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,000
Yes, and we'll make sure
they're on the programme too. Ha!
262
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,080
Yes, and we'll make sure
they're on the programme too. Ha!
263
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,640
Alright, w-well, we should be
getting on. Show won't write itself.
264
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,200
Er, well, from what I've seen
of the previous series,
265
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,000
it certainly looked as if this one
was making it up as she went along.
266
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,560
it certainly looked as if this one
was making it up as she went along.
267
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,720
(LAUGHS)
268
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:40,000
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, I've got an appointment.
269
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,480
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, I've got an appointment.
270
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,240
And, erm, we... We should get
back to our editorial.
271
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,720
Whaddaya say, Mahindra?
272
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,200
Continue this on air?
273
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,000
Join us on Pipe Smoke.
274
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,000
Defend modern comedy.
275
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:56,480
Defend modern comedy.
276
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,720
How am I going to bear working
next to Den for months on end?
277
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:08,640
Maybe I should explore other options.
278
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,000
Hang on, you were only just banging
on about how excited you were
279
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:12,160
Hang on, you were only just banging
on about how excited you were
280
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:16,760
to be "back in the room"
with Tony and Bill and Den.
281
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,240
Yeah, but it's not the same.
It's not fun.
282
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,000
Alright, it's work.
It's not supposed to be fun.
283
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,080
Alright, it's work.
It's not supposed to be fun.
284
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,640
This is great.
I'm loving this conflict.Oi! Oi!
285
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,960
W-What's that? Where'd you get that?
What is that?(CAMERA WHIRRS)
286
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,400
I can't get
a job in front of the camera,
287
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,320
since I'm apparently too much
of a risk, which...
288
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,240
either means I'm too much of a woman
289
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,000
or too much of a, not white.
290
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,160
or too much of a, not white.
291
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,920
So, I decided to seize the means
of production
292
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,000
and get behind it.
That's brilliant, Diane.
293
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,280
and get behind it.
That's brilliant, Diane.
294
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,560
Thanks.
Oh, my God, she was at Pandy's party!
295
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,400
Lynda Jay? Are you sure?
She was really nice. We had a chat.
296
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,000
She gave me her number.
Sophie, she is a snake.
297
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,720
She gave me her number.
Sophie, she is a snake.
298
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,680
She's made a career
taking other women down.
299
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:00,000
You didn't say anything?
300
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,880
You didn't say anything?
301
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,120
No.
302
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,800
I mean, we did...
We talked about my dad,
303
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:08,000
but obviously I didn't say anything.
Cos he's not even speaking to me,
304
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,200
but obviously I didn't say anything.
Cos he's not even speaking to me,
305
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,520
so I've no clue what's going on.
306
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,000
What's he trying to hide?
Whole thing's driving me doolally.
307
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,720
What's he trying to hide?
Whole thing's driving me doolally.
308
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,760
Er... Er, have you thought about
trying to find your mum?(SIGHS)
309
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,000
Well, where would I even start?
310
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,840
All I know is she liked
a bit of ballroom dancing.
311
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,200
I mean, what use is that?I mean, it
can't be that hard, though, can it?
312
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,000
Someone surely could find her.
313
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:32,800
Someone surely could find her.
314
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,520
Diane could have a dig.
315
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,280
Couldn't you?
316
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,560
I can't believe you said yes.
317
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,280
"Welcome to Pipe Smoke,
318
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,960
"the show where boring bastards
blow smoke
319
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,000
"up other boring bastards'
bum holes."Oh, yeah.
320
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:48,440
"up other boring bastards'
bum holes."Oh, yeah.
321
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,120
"I'm Vernon Whitfart."
"I'm Vernon Fuckfield."
322
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,480
"I'm Vernon-"
Chaps, chaps.(LAUGHS)
323
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,000
This whole mispronouncing his name
thing, it's old hat.
324
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,280
This whole mispronouncing his name
thing, it's old hat.
325
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,680
His name is Venereal Whitfelch.
(THEY SPIT)
326
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,000
"Majorie. Tell me about yourself."
327
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,560
"Majorie. Tell me about yourself."
328
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,120
What do you... Like what?
329
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,000
My name is Marjorie.
Mm-hmm.I-I work in a...
330
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:12,080
My name is Marjorie.
Mm-hmm.I-I work in a...
331
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,080
I work in a shop,
in...in the shoes department.
332
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,760
And do you have a boyfriend?
333
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,000
I have a Roger.
(LAUGHS)
334
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:20,920
I have a Roger.
(LAUGHS)
335
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,040
And what does Roger do?
Er, well,
336
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,360
plenty of things.
M-Mostly carpentry.
337
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,000
So, he's good with his hands?
(LAUGHS)
338
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:28,920
So, he's good with his hands?
(LAUGHS)
339
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,520
"Do grow up, you two."
(BOTH LAUGH)
340
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,920
Oh, so go on. Is it love?
341
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,000
I've never been in love before.
I mean, how wouldIknow?
342
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,440
I've never been in love before.
I mean, how wouldIknow?
343
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,320
When you know, you know.
344
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,040
It's a really special feeling.
(BOTH LAUGH)
345
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,000
I mean, I get a special feeling when
Rog has a noodle in my nick-nocks...
346
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,120
I mean, I get a special feeling when
Rog has a noodle in my nick-nocks...
347
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,320
(THEY GASP)
..but that's not love, is it?
348
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,600
Oh, Marjorie!
Mar-jor-ie!What?
349
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,000
I mean, you do know it's a setup,
right, Dennis?
350
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,400
I mean, you do know it's a setup,
right, Dennis?
351
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,680
That Pipe Smoke lot,
they hated Jim and Barbara.
352
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,680
They slagged it off every week.
353
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,000
And he was really mean about Soph.
354
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:00,440
And he was really mean about Soph.
355
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,480
This is Dennis' right to reply.
356
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:07,240
A head-to-head with Verble Wartcock.
(LAUGHS)
357
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,000
Right, well, if you ARE
going on national television...
358
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,520
Right, well, if you ARE
going on national television...
359
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,840
we need to get you kitted out.
In what, an asbestos suit?
360
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:16,000
No, no, no,
Dennis needs to make an impact.
361
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,680
No, no, no,
Dennis needs to make an impact.
362
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,240
Like Scarlett O'Hara
in her red dress.
363
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,280
I think I'd look good
in a red dress.
364
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,000
(LAUGHS)
Mm.
365
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,120
(LAUGHS)
Mm.
366
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,080
Mm, no.
367
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,880
(CATCHY MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR)
368
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,920
What you need...
369
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,080
..is a revenge suit.
370
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,880
What'cha Gonna Do About It
371
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,200
372
00:14:41,245 --> 00:14:44,040
373
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,000
(BELL RINGS)
Hey!Oh!Oh!Watch out!
374
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:48,960
(BELL RINGS)
Hey!Oh!Oh!Watch out!
375
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,600
My name is Mr Edwards.
If you'd like to follow me, please.
376
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,000
down the street
377
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,120
down the street
378
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,920
379
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,800
380
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,000
381
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,280
382
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,120
Thank you very much
383
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,280
384
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,000
385
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,200
386
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,080
387
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,000
Needs more pizazz.
Next.
388
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:20,880
Needs more pizazz.
Next.
389
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,600
390
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,480
391
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,000
I like it.
392
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:28,400
I like it.
393
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,680
He's not a cage dancer
on Ready, Steady, Go!.
394
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,000
Very, er...
Johnny Morris in...
395
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:36,280
Very, er...
Johnny Morris in...
396
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,000
Animal Magic.
397
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,360
Er, it needs to shout louder.
398
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,240
399
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,000
Abracadabra.I feel like I'm about
to saw someone in half.
400
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,720
Abracadabra.I feel like I'm about
to saw someone in half.
401
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,320
What about a suit
something like this, hm?
402
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,440
Nothing shouts passion like purple.
403
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,000
Except for when it shouts,
"Here comes the Pope."
404
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:52,840
Except for when it shouts,
"Here comes the Pope."
405
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:57,120
Nathan, go and fetch the purple
rolls of silk to show Mr Mahindra.
406
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:00,000
Yeah, I'll help.
407
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,400
Yeah, I'll help.
408
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,080
409
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,000
410
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:08,960
411
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:16,000
say you'll stay with me
412
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:16,200
say you'll stay with me
413
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,960
414
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,480
415
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,000
416
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,000
417
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:32,000
418
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,960
419
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,040
420
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,000
You are pushing your luck, mate.
421
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:40,440
You are pushing your luck, mate.
422
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,280
It's Savile Row,
not Hampstead Heath.
423
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,080
I wasn't gonna get busted in there.
I meant pushing it with me.
424
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,000
Soph got us back together.
We owe it to her to do a good job...
425
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:48,440
Soph got us back together.
We owe it to her to do a good job...
426
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,960
..alright, but you're too busy
getting tugged off in a tailors.
427
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,280
Ugh, and everyone thinks you're
the cuddly one.Fuck off, mate!
428
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,000
I'm just saying we both need
to get our heads in the game.
429
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,640
I'm just saying we both need
to get our heads in the game.
430
00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,160
Yeah, well I'm trying.
It's hard with star-crossed lovers
431
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,640
in the writers' room.
It's hardly a fun factory, is it?
432
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,000
I know,
but if we don't step things up,
433
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,680
I know,
but if we don't step things up,
434
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,840
Ted Sargent is gonna flush us
435
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,000
and our scripts
straight down the shitter.
436
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,000
OK, well, you go home
and step things up.
437
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:12,200
OK, well, you go home
and step things up.
438
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,000
I'm stepping off over there.
439
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,280
What... What,
another one of your secret clubs?
440
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,160
No. I'm having a drink
with my literary agent
441
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,000
to discuss what she calls
my magnum opus.
442
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,160
to discuss what she calls
my magnum opus.
443
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,840
Right, Bill, a-about this book.
444
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,000
You're not, you know,
using real names and...
445
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,200
You're not, you know,
using real names and...
446
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,240
..putting in
personal details and that?Yeah.
447
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,000
Yeah, there's a whole
chapter all about you, Tone.
448
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:36,760
Yeah, there's a whole
chapter all about you, Tone.
449
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,320
Is that a problem?
450
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,280
(LAUGHS)
451
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,000
452
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:44,800
453
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:45,880
454
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,680
455
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,680
456
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,000
457
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:52,720
458
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,120
459
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,600
460
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,040
461
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,000
462
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,520
463
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,720
464
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:08,000
465
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:08,040
466
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,320
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in!
467
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,960
Young lady for you, sir.
468
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,240
Please, don't make it sound like
I ordered one.
469
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,000
I'm so sorry to bother you.
And yet here you are.
470
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:24,120
I'm so sorry to bother you.
And yet here you are.
471
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,920
I-I'm not sure if it
tickles the tonsils
472
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,600
or has an unexpected finish,
but thank you.
473
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,000
For the other day. On the phone.
474
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,000
For the other day. On the phone.
475
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,000
I trust you got your way
with Mr Sargent.
476
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,440
I did. Yes.
If you'll excuse me.
477
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,880
Charming to see you, Sophie,
but why are you here?
478
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,000
Er, you said to stop by,
so I'm stopping by.
479
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,000
OK, I'm running late,
and you find me un peu deshabille.
480
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:48,920
OK, I'm running late,
and you find me un peu deshabille.
481
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,440
Un peu deshabille.
Oui.
482
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,720
Vous parlez Francais?
Beg pardon?
483
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,000
Do you speak French?
484
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:56,560
Do you speak French?
485
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,160
I speak fluent American.
486
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,760
(AMERICAN ACCENT): Say, Mr Allen,
let me fix you a highball!'
487
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,000
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what a highball is.
488
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:04,600
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what a highball is.
489
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,880
Give me that before you smash the
stemware.I want you to be my agent.
490
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,920
Please.
491
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,000
Unusually for you, Sophie Straw,
your timing's off.
492
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,040
Unusually for you, Sophie Straw,
your timing's off.
493
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:16,400
I have to be at Buckingham Palace
15 minutes ago.
494
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,680
Are you the queen's agent?
Er...
495
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:20,000
I leave that to 007.
(LAUGHS)
496
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,760
I leave that to 007.
(LAUGHS)
497
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,320
One of my, uh, Brit clients
is getting a knighthood
498
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,160
for services to the acting industry.
Ooh.
499
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,000
Though his services to the cocaine
industry have been more significant.
500
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,280
Though his services to the cocaine
industry have been more significant.
501
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,000
Oh, ho-ho.
You didn't hear me say that.
502
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,320
No... No.We'll, uh...
We'll talk next time I'm in town.
503
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,000
Oh... OK.
504
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,480
Oh... OK.
505
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,320
(SNIFFLES)
I just...(SOFTLY): Alright
506
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,360
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
507
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,320
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Damn it.
508
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,440
It's right over left and under.
509
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,840
Do you want me to...?
510
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,400
Yeah. In...
In the States they're all elastic.
511
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:00,000
The fishy comes through the hole
to the bunny,
512
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,360
The fishy comes through the hole
to the bunny,
513
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,920
and they kiss.
What happened? Last time we met,
514
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,000
you wanted to cement your name
on the TV comedy walk of fame.I...
515
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:08,040
you wanted to cement your name
on the TV comedy walk of fame.I...
516
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,000
I... I do. I do. But I-I...
517
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,240
I might need to explore some other
options further afield.
518
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,000
In a film, perhaps.
519
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:16,560
In a film, perhaps.
520
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,840
Might this be for personal reasons?
521
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,000
Oh, that would be very
unprofessional.Although,
522
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,920
that's something I can work with.
Hmm.
523
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,000
This movie, the lead actress dropped
out suffering from exhaustion.
524
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,080
This movie, the lead actress dropped
out suffering from exhaustion.
525
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,480
She's currently exhausted
somewhere in the Caribbean,
526
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,320
on top of Warren Beatty.
Oh.They need a replacement.
527
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,000
Oh, I told you,
I can't speak French.
528
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,320
Oh, I told you,
I can't speak French.
529
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,800
Who cares?
You can do the accent. Plus,
530
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,120
all these "new wave"
films? They're all about the pout.
531
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,000
532
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,280
533
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,280
(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)
534
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,520
No?Looks like you're pushing
a kidney stone,
535
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:48,000
but not bad.
Can you get on a plane tonight?
536
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,000
but not bad.
Can you get on a plane tonight?
537
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,760
Oh, I can't go
and do a film right now.
538
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,000
Sophie, this business is 1% talent,
99% opportunity.
539
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:56,200
Sophie, this business is 1% talent,
99% opportunity.
540
00:20:56,240 --> 00:21:00,760
Are you saying I'm 1% talented?
I'm saying this is the opportunity.
541
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:04,000
Put the booze kettle on, Marj.
542
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,920
Put the booze kettle on, Marj.
543
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,480
Let me tell you about my day.
544
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,000
(WOMEN LAUGH AND CHATTER)
Marj!
545
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,000
(WOMEN LAUGH AND CHATTER)
Marj!
546
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,880
Marj, I feel like I'm trapped in one
of my own worst nightmares.
547
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,000
What's the entire
staff of Lewis Peters doing here?
548
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:20,080
What's the entire
staff of Lewis Peters doing here?
549
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,520
Making placards.
Yeah, I can see that.
550
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,320
In aid of what?
551
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,520
For the equal pay picket
that I keep telling you about.
552
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,000
Us girls get paid way less than men
for doing the same job
553
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,360
Us girls get paid way less than men
for doing the same job
554
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,160
for the same amount of hours.And
you think these signs will sort it?
555
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,440
Well-
What's "wombat power"?
556
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:36,000
Oh, that's meant to say "womban".
N, not a T.
557
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,440
Oh, that's meant to say "womban".
N, not a T.
558
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,560
Er, oi, Sharon, finish your placard!
Yeah? Alright, I'm coming down.
559
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,560
"It's time to get Eve."
560
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,000
Who's Eve,
and why do we have to get her?Even.
561
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,120
Who's Eve,
and why do we have to get her?Even.
562
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,120
"It's time to get even." OK.
563
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,280
Er, everybody, remember,
if you're doing a slogan,
564
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:52,000
leave enough space for all
of the words to fit, yeah?
565
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,680
leave enough space for all
of the words to fit, yeah?
566
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,640
Stop picking holes in my placards,
you.
567
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,800
Hey, you can't take these into work!
568
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,000
Old Miss Syksey'll
blow a ruddy gasket.
569
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,520
Old Miss Syksey'll
blow a ruddy gasket.
570
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:05,320
"Old Miss Sykesy" is the Union Rep!
571
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,000
Cocking hell! Sorry, Miss Sykes.
Don't be.
572
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,200
We could do with more gobby
girls like you on our side.
573
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,040
(LAUGHS)
574
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,000
I never had you pegged as a union
type, Miss Sykes.
575
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:16,680
I never had you pegged as a union
type, Miss Sykes.
576
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,560
Neither would I, but one day,
577
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,480
I realised that all the men
I started out with
578
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,960
in the stockroom owned their own
houses and drove flashy cars,
579
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,480
and every summer,
they holidayed in Majora.
580
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:31,600
I rent a shitty bed-sitting room,
travel by bus
581
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,000
and holiday one weekend
a year in Margate, with my mother.
582
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,280
and holiday one weekend
a year in Margate, with my mother.
583
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:39,840
Hmm.I have been passed over
and paid less for 30 years.
584
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:40,000
So, yes, I think it's time to get
a little bit "fighty", don't you?
585
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,000
So, yes, I think it's time to get
a little bit "fighty", don't you?
586
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:48,000
Yes.
I once saw Clive's pay cheque.
587
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:48,480
Yes.
I once saw Clive's pay cheque.
588
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,400
He got double what I got, but I just
thought I was lucky to be there.
589
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,720
Well, come along.
Hold a placard with us.
590
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,000
We could do with bringing a little
publicity and glamour to the cause.
591
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,840
We could do with bringing a little
publicity and glamour to the cause.
592
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,680
I can't, I'm sorry.
593
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,000
Oh, Linda,
you're placard's coming apart.
594
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:04,880
Oh, Linda,
you're placard's coming apart.
595
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,440
Diane! Where have you been?
596
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,200
Been doing some research.
597
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,000
Oh, never mind that.
You should be writing about this.
598
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:12,600
Oh, never mind that.
You should be writing about this.
599
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,160
(SIGHS) Where have all the eggs gone?
600
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,600
I'm starving!Oh, I-I've taken the
eggs for ammunition, dear. You know,
601
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,000
if it all kicks off, I shall be
aiming for a policeman's helmet.
602
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,400
if it all kicks off, I shall be
aiming for a policeman's helmet.
603
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,360
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
604
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,200
(SIGHS) (WOMEN CHATTER)Erm, I think
we need a bit of peace and quiet.
605
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:32,560
Alright, everyone, sorry,
can we pack up and that?
606
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,920
Beg your pardon, Miss Sykes. Sir.
607
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,000
Don't apologise, Marjorie.
608
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,160
Don't apologise, Marjorie.
609
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,840
We really appreciate you helping
the cause.Ooh, what's this?
610
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,800
Research.
611
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,720
Found out where your mum works.
612
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,480
(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)
613
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,240
(DOOR CLOSES)
614
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:00,000
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
615
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,400
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
616
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,480
Hello, you.
617
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,440
Oh... You alright?
618
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,000
Yeah. Work was the usual.
619
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,320
Yeah. Work was the usual.
620
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,200
They loved
all my illustrations for the book.
621
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,480
Oh, that's great.Then told me
to completely change them.
622
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,000
Oh.
(SIGHS) Baby's a bit...kicky.
623
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,440
Oh.
(SIGHS) Baby's a bit...kicky.
624
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,880
Er... What...? What baby?
625
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,560
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Come here.
626
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:24,000
Mwah.
627
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,440
Mwah.
628
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,160
Oh!
629
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,920
(GRUFF VOICE): Hello, mate.
630
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,000
Hm. Oh, don't...
Don't... Don't read that, it's shit.
631
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:32,600
Hm. Oh, don't...
Don't... Don't read that, it's shit.
632
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,080
You always say
that about the first draft.
633
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:37,920
First draft? I haven't even finished
the first page.
634
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:40,000
I-I-I-I keep thinking about that
wanky "pram in the hall" quote.
635
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,400
I-I-I-I keep thinking about that
wanky "pram in the hall" quote.
636
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:48,000
God, what was that? "There's no
more...sombre enemy of good art-"
637
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:48,360
God, what was that? "There's no
more...sombre enemy of good art-"
638
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:52,320
I-I-I-I don't know who I am
if...if...if I can't write.
639
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,240
What's the new show about?
640
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,000
Blah.
Not our sex life again, I hope.
641
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,400
Blah.
Not our sex life again, I hope.
642
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,560
No.
643
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,360
But Bill'd love that.
644
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,000
He's...started needling me again.
645
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,200
He's...started needling me again.
646
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,960
(LIGHTER TOP OPENS)
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
647
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:12,000
(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)
648
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:12,920
(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)
649
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,320
Do you ever wish you were Bill?
650
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,000
What-No, it's OK.
I know you still think about it.
651
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,160
What-No, it's OK.
I know you still think about it.
652
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,400
I think about other men too.
653
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,000
What...? What?
654
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:28,200
What...? What?
655
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,960
Really? F... Fuck!
656
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:34,080
Sh-Should, er... Should we talk,
talk about this or...?
657
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,000
I don't know. (LAUGHS)
I don't want to be Bill...
658
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,840
I don't know. (LAUGHS)
I don't want to be Bill...
659
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,720
..alright?But you know,
i-i-i-it's not simple,
660
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,000
and I hate how everyone assumes that
having a baby solves everything.
661
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,040
and I hate how everyone assumes that
having a baby solves everything.
662
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,400
I-I-I'm still absolutely terrified.
663
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,920
Oh, God, me too. (GROANS)
664
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,000
Juney, if we're like this now,
665
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,400
Juney, if we're like this now,
666
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,200
what we gonna be like when
the baby arrives
667
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,120
and there really is
a massive pram in the hall?
668
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,960
We will move
the pram to the kitchen.
669
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,160
(LAUGHS)
670
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,000
Are we...?
671
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:08,560
Are we...?
672
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,680
Are we just a couple of freaks?
(LAUGHS)
673
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,600
Hell yeah.
(LAUGHS)
674
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,520
(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
675
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,000
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
676
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:24,880
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
677
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,400
(WIND WHISTLES)
678
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,000
The Way I Feel Inside
679
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,360
The Way I Feel Inside
680
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:39,120
681
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:40,000
682
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,280
683
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,240
GEORGE:
"Go on, give us a smile, love."
684
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,000
(LAUGHS ON VIDEO)
"Cheeky! Come on."
685
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:49,400
(LAUGHS ON VIDEO)
"Cheeky! Come on."
686
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,920
687
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,600
688
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,000
689
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:56,360
690
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,720
691
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,280
692
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,000
693
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:04,080
694
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,160
695
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,480
696
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,400
(GENTLE OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC
PLAYS IN VENUE)
697
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,760
How'd you find me?
698
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,960
Well, the only thing
I knew about you...
699
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,200
..ballroom dancing.
700
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,080
My friend, Diane, did the rest.
701
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,000
I suppose there are a few trophies
with my name on it.
702
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:16,680
I suppose there are a few trophies
with my name on it.
703
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,160
A couple of pieces in the papers.
704
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,000
But they don't give first
prize to home breakers,
705
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:24,040
But they don't give first
prize to home breakers,
706
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:25,880
so that was the end of that.
Well,
707
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,960
I'm sorry you never
got your happy-ever-after after all.
708
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,160
Gave up on happy a long time ago.
709
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,760
So, these letters you wrote
when I was just a kid...
710
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,720
..what did they say?
711
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:48,000
Nothing. It's, uh...
712
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,160
Nothing. It's, uh...
713
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,400
silly stuff.
But if it were just silly stuff,
714
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,520
why...
Why didn't my dad let me see them?
715
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:59,600
He had nothing to hide! I don't
understand-I've got cleaning to do.
716
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,840
(DANCERS CHATTER)
717
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:20,000
One time I wrote to you
about a butterfly...
718
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,000
One time I wrote to you
about a butterfly...
719
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,240
..that landed
right in the palm of my hand.
720
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,000
And you loved butterflies, so...
721
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:28,320
And you loved butterflies, so...
722
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:33,760
So, I told it to fly all the way
to Blackpool...
723
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,080
..and give you a kiss from me.
724
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,000
(SIGHS)
725
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:52,680
(SIGHS)
726
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,040
(SIGHS)
727
00:30:01,565 --> 00:30:03,320
These Boots Are Made For Walking
728
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,240
729
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:08,000
730
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:08,120
731
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,360
(CLEARS THROAT) Friends...
732
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:16,000
..fellow workers...women.
733
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,240
..fellow workers...women.
734
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:23,480
I-I stand here today
not as your...mighty leader,
735
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:24,000
as some have dubbed me, but...
736
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:25,960
as some have dubbed me, but...
737
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,280
as your humble representative.
738
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,560
(THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)
739
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:38,000
"In 1964, Harold Wilson puffed
on his pongy pipe
740
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,000
"and made promises to us,
working women."
741
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,560
"and made promises to us,
working women."
742
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,520
He lured us in,
743
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,760
and it won him the election.
(WOMEN MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)
744
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,000
As soon as he entered Number 10,
745
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:49,520
As soon as he entered Number 10,
746
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:52,600
he pulled out and abandoned us.
747
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,400
Typical man.
(WOMEN SCOFF IN AGREEMENT)
748
00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:56,000
Our bosses must give us equal pay.
WOMEN: Mm-hmm.
749
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,840
Our bosses must give us equal pay.
WOMEN: Mm-hmm.
750
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:01,000
And I say to you,
751
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,000
our loyal supporters...
752
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:04,840
our loyal supporters...
753
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:06,760
(CAMERA WHIRRS)
754
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:12,000
God, she's like Eva Peron.
755
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:12,200
God, she's like Eva Peron.
756
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:15,480
Mm-hmm.
757
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:20,000
(HIGH-PITCHED):
Yeah, or Minnie Mouse, maybe.
758
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:20,760
(HIGH-PITCHED):
Yeah, or Minnie Mouse, maybe.
759
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,760
(LAUGHS) Join in.
ALL: Deep in my heart
760
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:28,000
761
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,560
762
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,960
Did you see how much Irene
had stuck on her sign?
763
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:36,000
A for effort.
She was trying, she was trying.
764
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:36,120
A for effort.
She was trying, she was trying.
765
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,080
Not great on execution.
766
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:41,280
You're just gonna...I have a word.
Oh, you'll have a word, will you?
767
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:44,000
Hi. Hey, come and have a beer.
We're celebrating.Nah,
768
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,360
Hi. Hey, come and have a beer.
We're celebrating.Nah,
769
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:49,440
I'm alright, thanks. I'm
gonna make a cup of Bovril in a bit.
770
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,000
Does anyone want one?
Well, that's it, everyone.
771
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:52,160
Does anyone want one?
Well, that's it, everyone.
772
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:56,400
The very real Sophie Straw prefers
Bovril to beer.(SEVERAL LAUGH)
773
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,200
("These Boots Are Made For Walking"
PLAYS)
774
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,000
(SIGHS)
(GLASS THUDS)
775
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:00,120
(SIGHS)
(GLASS THUDS)
776
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,920
(SIGHS) I've had a long day.
777
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,560
Bit strange.
Yeah, we've had a mad one as well,
778
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,000
haven't we, girls? We got a mention
in the paper for the picket.
779
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,640
haven't we, girls? We got a mention
in the paper for the picket.
780
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,200
Now, there's no actual picture,
781
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:15,680
erm, but it's still great that
they're noticing us.
782
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:16,000
Da-da-da-daaa.
783
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,280
Da-da-da-daaa.
784
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,800
Oh, that's great. Well done.
785
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,720
She's probably just tired
or something.She is fine,
786
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,640
thank you.
787
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:35,040
(SIGHS) Fine.
788
00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,000
Ahem. Oh. Oh yeah.
789
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,720
Ahem. Oh. Oh yeah.
790
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,520
Yeah, alright, don't make a big song
and dance about it.
791
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,480
Make up your mind.
792
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:51,560
(SIGHS)
793
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:54,000
Can you not embarrass me
in front of my friends, please?
794
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:56,000
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing
you in my own flat.
795
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:56,200
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing
you in my own flat.
796
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:58,560
MY flat, actually.
797
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,320
Are you that put out by the fact
that I am in the papers?
798
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:03,760
You can't stand anybody else
having the limelight?
799
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:04,000
If that's what you think of me,
you don't know me.
800
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:05,880
If that's what you think of me,
you don't know me.
801
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,240
Well you only know the me
that you want me to be, don't ya?
802
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:10,200
Your little friend, Marjorie.
803
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,000
That's not fair! I said well done.
804
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:12,680
That's not fair! I said well done.
805
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:14,920
You haven't even asked me how I am
806
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:17,560
or where I've been.
Oh, showbiz party, was it?
807
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,640
A photoshoot for Vogue?
Ladies, ladies,
808
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:20,000
maybe we can calm it down a bit,
yeah? Thank you, Roger.
809
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,960
maybe we can calm it down a bit,
yeah? Thank you, Roger.
810
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,840
I think we're capable of having a
conversation without a man telling us
811
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,400
how to do it.Don't have a go at
Roger, he's only trying to help.
812
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:28,000
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Everything!
813
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,240
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Everything!
814
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,560
I just want a bit of bloody privacy!
815
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,960
Oh, right, well yesterday,
you wanted to be Lucille Ball.
816
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,240
Today it's Greta Garbo.
817
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,520
(PEOPLE CHATTER IN OTHER ROOM)
818
00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,040
Stupid placards everywhere.
819
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:46,880
(SIGHS)
820
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:51,640
(SIGHS)
821
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:52,000
Look, she'll be fine tomorrow.
822
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,360
Look, she'll be fine tomorrow.
823
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:57,160
Yeah, you say that,
but you don't know what she's like.
824
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:05,840
825
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:08,000
826
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:12,640
827
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:19,880
(CAR HORN HONKS)
828
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:21,680
(HONKING CONTINUES)
829
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:24,000
Ugh!
830
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:24,840
Ugh!
831
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,680
832
00:34:29,720 --> 00:34:32,000
833
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:32,760
834
00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,000
Hello?
835
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,000
(CLOCK TICKS)
(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE IN DISTANCE)
836
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,400
(CLOCK TICKS)
(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE IN DISTANCE)
837
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,480
Pandy, can I stop here for a bit?
838
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,080
(GASPS) Oh, bum...
839
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,120
(SIGHS)
840
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,000
841
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:04,280
842
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:11,240
843
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:12,000
844
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,120
845
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,080
846
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:16,880
847
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,680
848
00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:20,000
849
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:20,600
850
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,360
851
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,360
852
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:25,720
853
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:28,000
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
854
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,480
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
855
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,000
Hats off for rising to the
challenge, Mahindra. Many wouldn't.
856
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,880
Hats off for rising to the
challenge, Mahindra. Many wouldn't.
857
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:41,280
I look forward to it.
858
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,480
Vernon will give you
a...a short briefing.
859
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:44,000
Rather tautological. Obviously
it's short, it's a briefing.
860
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:47,360
Rather tautological. Obviously
it's short, it's a briefing.
861
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,680
Ahem. You can have
that for one of your comedy scripts.
862
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,600
Right,
so just a reminder of protocol.
863
00:35:56,640 --> 00:36:00,000
We're live on air, so be mindful of
anything that might be slanderous,
864
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:00,520
We're live on air, so be mindful of
anything that might be slanderous,
865
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:02,800
and uh, do, of course,
866
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:04,640
keep it clean, chaps.
867
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:07,360
(CREW CHATTER)
868
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:14,640
Right, well I'm needed in
the control booth, so I'll...
869
00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:16,000
..leave you men to it.
See you out there.
870
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,880
..leave you men to it.
See you out there.
871
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:22,840
New suit?
872
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,360
Mm.
Hmm.
873
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,840
(DOOR CLOSES)Yes, a shame we're in
black and white. Ahem.
874
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:32,000
(LIGHT MUSIC ON TV)
875
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:33,760
(LIGHT MUSIC ON TV)
876
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,480
Right.
(BURPS) Oh,
877
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,600
sorry, nervous burps.
878
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,000
Don't you worry. Den'll be fine.
I gave him a bunch of jokes to use.
879
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:40,720
Don't you worry. Den'll be fine.
I gave him a bunch of jokes to use.
880
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,160
Oh, just nob gags, ideal for an
intellectual discussion programme(!)
881
00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:48,000
Mm."Coming up this evening, a
late-night discussion on Pipe Smoke,
882
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:48,480
Mm."Coming up this evening, a
late-night discussion on Pipe Smoke,
883
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:53,240
"with Vernon Whitfield, taking
a closer look at situation comedy."
884
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,920
WOMAN:
Gentleman, please take your places.
885
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:56,000
MAN: Clear the floor please.
Thank you.
886
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,040
MAN: Clear the floor please.
Thank you.
887
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:03,120
Going live in five, four, three...
888
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:08,240
(INTRIGUING THEME MUSIC ON TV)
889
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:11,840
(GASPS) It's starting.
Oh."Modern situation comedy.
890
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:12,000
"'Inane, infantile, imbecilic.'"
891
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:14,960
"'Inane, infantile, imbecilic.'"
892
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,840
"These are just some of the
charges..."
893
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:19,440
Oh, now I've got hiccups!
(BURPS)Oh, budge up lads.
894
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:20,000
"However, fans argue that..."
Shush, you two, it's starting.
895
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:24,280
"However, fans argue that..."
Shush, you two, it's starting.
896
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:28,000
What? I'm part of the team.
897
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:28,640
What? I'm part of the team.
898
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,360
(BURPS)
899
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:34,400
"Tonight, I shall be examining these
assertions on Pipe Smoke."
900
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,240
Hello, Reverend, sir.
Good evening.
901
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,680
Professor.
902
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:46,960
I shall enjoy ,this Mahindra.
903
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,440
I've screwed your wife,
and now I'm going to screw you.
904
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,000
My guests tonight:
905
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,480
light entertainment
comedy producer Dennis Mahindra.
906
00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:00,000
Den looks like he's sat on a spike.
Has he swallowed a wasp?
907
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,520
Den looks like he's sat on a spike.
Has he swallowed a wasp?
908
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,440
Great suit, though.
Looks OK.
909
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,200
Come on, Den.
You've chosen to work in
910
00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:08,000
what some would consider a far
lesser art form than, say, theatre.
911
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,880
what some would consider a far
lesser art form than, say, theatre.
912
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:15,600
I'm curious, what drew
you to the situation comedy genre?
913
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:21,240
Well, I-If indeed
we may class it as a genre.(LAUGHS)
914
00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:24,000
Well, I...
915
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,520
Well, I...
916
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:29,600
"Would you care to expand
on that for our viewers?""Er..."
917
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,000
(SIGHS) Come on, Dennis.
918
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:32,240
(SIGHS) Come on, Dennis.
919
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,720
Erm-Clearly not. Turning to you,
Professor Lomax.
920
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:38,480
"Professor..."Come on, Den,
get your balls back in the game!
921
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:40,000
Well, Shakespeare is a genius,
922
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:40,320
Well, Shakespeare is a genius,
923
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:46,640
and frankly any attempt to compare
his work with the work
924
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,000
of my friend here's situation
comedy is quite frankly absurd.
925
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,480
of my friend here's situation
comedy is quite frankly absurd.
926
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:54,000
(LAUGHS) If I may say...Come on,
Dennis...the language that you
927
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,000
and your comedy chaps use
is...gratuitous.
928
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,320
and your comedy chaps use
is...gratuitous.
929
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,120
I'm rather surprised to see,
Mr Mahindra,
930
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,120
you've so little to say
in defence of your work.
931
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:03,880
Oh, I can't look.
Ugh.
932
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:04,000
Oh!I'd suggest that all situation
comedy is indicative
933
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:07,000
Oh!I'd suggest that all situation
comedy is indicative
934
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,800
of an overall decline in general
standards. Outlandish fashion,
935
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:12,000
licentious music, from the likes
of the Rolling Stones, and now...
936
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,080
licentious music, from the likes
of the Rolling Stones, and now...
937
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,600
When's Vernon Whitfart ever
seen the Rolling Stones?
938
00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:19,280
You rude fuck!
...all designed to appeal
939
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:20,000
to the lowest common denominator.
940
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:21,080
to the lowest common denominator.
941
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:23,520
With sitcom
being at the bottom of the heap.
942
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:25,360
Hear-hear.
Come on, Dennis, he's a bully.
943
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,000
I don't agree.Well, I'm afraid
you've rather muffed the opportunity
944
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:28,680
I don't agree.Well, I'm afraid
you've rather muffed the opportunity
945
00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:31,440
the mount a case for the defence,
Mr Mahindra. (LAUGHS)Hear-hear.
946
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:33,440
"Wouldn't you say gentlemen?"
(LAUGHS)Right.
947
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,800
"That settles that."
"Well, not quite."I can't look.
948
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:36,000
"If you'd let me answer
the question..."
949
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,320
"If you'd let me answer
the question..."
950
00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:44,000
I would certainly argue
that comedies
951
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:44,080
I would certainly argue
that comedies
952
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:47,160
such as, er, Steptoe and Son.
953
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:49,720
The Likely Lads
and Jim and Barbara,
954
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:52,000
they create a...a much needed space
for working-class representation.
955
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:53,520
they create a...a much needed space
for working-class representation.
956
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,520
Ah, "panem et circenses",
as the Romans said.(BOTH LAUGH)
957
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:00,000
Keep the masses happy with bread
and circuses.
958
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:01,680
Keep the masses happy with bread
and circuses.
959
00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:05,120
Oh, my Christ, that Vernon's so far
up his own bum hole,
960
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:08,000
he's coming out of his own mouth.
Yes, if we take a show like, erm,
961
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:08,040
he's coming out of his own mouth.
Yes, if we take a show like, erm,
962
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:10,760
like Till Death Us Do Part,
now, you see,
963
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:12,920
that gives us
the character of Alf Garnett.
964
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,000
(SCOFFS)You know, a-a misguided
soul railing against modern Britain
965
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,760
(SCOFFS)You know, a-a misguided
soul railing against modern Britain
966
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:19,600
like a sort of contemporary
King Lear.
967
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:22,280
Shall we all just refresh
our memories with a clip
968
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:24,000
from one of Mr Mahindra's situation
comedy episodes?
969
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,120
from one of Mr Mahindra's situation
comedy episodes?
970
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:29,400
(CATCHY THEME MUSIC ON TV)
971
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:32,000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
972
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:33,760
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
973
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:36,640
"Ow!"
974
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,680
(SIGHS)
975
00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:40,000
Oh.
976
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:40,800
Oh.
977
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,520
What's all this racket?
Jim!Ah!
978
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,800
"I've done it. I fixed the pipes."
979
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:47,840
"Oh, darling, well done."
980
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:48,000
But, you know, you could've just
turned off all the water with this.
981
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,040
But, you know, you could've just
turned off all the water with this.
982
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,840
(TOILET SEAT HINGES CREAK)
Oh.
983
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:56,000
(SCREAMS ON TV)
984
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:57,640
(SCREAMS ON TV)
985
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,880
Oh, dear. (CLEARS THROAT)
986
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:04,000
Well, I'm afraid that rather says it
all, don't you think? Bishop?
987
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:04,760
Well, I'm afraid that rather says it
all, don't you think? Bishop?
988
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:08,000
Morally bereft and utterly puerile.
989
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:11,000
A corrupting
influence on the youth of today.
990
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:12,000
Well said, sir. I...
991
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:12,920
Well said, sir. I...
992
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:16,560
I fail to see any comparison
between Shakespeare and that.
993
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:20,000
Frankly, all I can see on that
screen is an idiotic young tart
994
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:20,440
Frankly, all I can see on that
screen is an idiotic young tart
995
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:22,560
running around trying
to flush a lavatory.
996
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:24,280
(LAUGHS)
997
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:31,280
Oh, now you've done it,
Vernon.
998
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:34,800
You have absolutely no idea what
you're talking about.
999
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:36,000
Here we go, dive, dive, dive.
1000
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:37,800
Here we go, dive, dive, dive.
1001
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,800
Sophie Straw is an intelligent,
instinctive,
1002
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:44,000
hugely charismatic comic performer
of great technical ability,
1003
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:46,000
hugely charismatic comic performer
of great technical ability,
1004
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:47,760
and I completely disagree...
Oh, do you?
1005
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:51,440
..with your
base summarisation of that scene,
1006
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:52,000
and so would the 20 million other
people who watched that episode.
1007
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,240
and so would the 20 million other
people who watched that episode.
1008
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:57,280
Oh, quantity be damned,
it's quality that counts.
1009
00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,000
Clearly you never paid
attention at Cambridge University
1010
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:00,320
Clearly you never paid
attention at Cambridge University
1011
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:02,800
when they taught
you about Aristotle's poetics.
1012
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:04,800
This is what television
comedy can do best.
1013
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:08,000
Oh, it does, does it?Yes. It can
cut through all of this pomposity.
1014
00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:09,000
Oh, it does, does it?Yes. It can
cut through all of this pomposity.
1015
00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:12,440
Pomposity?Pomposity?Yes, it is
pomposity. It's exactly what it is.
1016
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:16,000
Go on.There you go.Sophie and the
stories that we're trying to tell,
1017
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:16,640
Go on.There you go.Sophie and the
stories that we're trying to tell,
1018
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,320
that's the future, gentlemen.
The future!
1019
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:21,520
Well, that's not a future
I want to be part of.
1020
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:24,000
You can't stand in the way of
progress.I'm sorry... Progress, no.
1021
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:24,280
You can't stand in the way of
progress.I'm sorry... Progress, no.
1022
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:28,920
All this is... All this filth is
is a scatological cartoon,
1023
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:32,000
but according to you, as long
as the great unwashed are laughing,
1024
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:32,240
but according to you, as long
as the great unwashed are laughing,
1025
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,280
it's perfectly alright.I think I
see what's happening here.Oh, yeah?
1026
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,880
Go on, both barrels.
"Yes, yes."
1027
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:40,000
You...and your cronies...
1028
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:40,280
You...and your cronies...
1029
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:44,800
Cronies?..you feel
that comedy belongs to you.
1030
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:46,680
Of course, it doesn't belong to you,
does it?
1031
00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:48,000
It doesn't belong to me.
It belongs to everybody.
1032
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:48,800
It doesn't belong to me.
It belongs to everybody.
1033
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:51,360
I'm heartened to hear it doesn't
belong to you.It has the power
1034
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,880
to challenge the establishment.Or
your type, your ilk. Let's face it,
1035
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:56,000
you wouldn't be happy even if
comedy did belong to you.
1036
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,240
you wouldn't be happy even if
comedy did belong to you.
1037
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:01,440
And you wouldn't be happy until you
saw somebody on the television
1038
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:04,000
taking an actual big fucking
steaming shit!(ALL GASP)
1039
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,440
taking an actual big fucking
steaming shit!(ALL GASP)
1040
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:10,000
(CONTINUOUS TONE)
1041
00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:12,000
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1042
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:12,200
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1043
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:17,680
(PEOPLE MURMUR)
(TONE CONTINUES ON TV)
1044
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:20,000
Well,
someone didn't read the green book.
1045
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:21,480
Well,
someone didn't read the green book.
1046
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:24,320
Vernon Fuckfield.
1047
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:28,000
(TONE CONTINUES)
1048
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:29,320
(TONE CONTINUES)
1049
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,600
(CREW WHISPER)
1050
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:36,000
MAN: "Due to technical difficulties,
the current programme
1051
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:37,600
MAN: "Due to technical difficulties,
the current programme
1052
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:40,440
"has been interrupted."
He's broken television."For which,
1053
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:43,840
"of course, we apologise.
In the meantime,
1054
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:44,000
"we have the pleasure of showing you
a programme about basket weaving."
1055
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:48,000
"we have the pleasure of showing you
a programme about basket weaving."
1056
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:51,480
(MIC FEEDBACK)
Ugh.
1057
00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:58,680
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
1058
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,760
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
1059
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:14,640
Looking for something?
1060
00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:18,320
I hope you're pleased with yourself.
1061
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:20,640
Vernon's on the phone
to the director general.
1062
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:23,840
VIA SPEAKER:
"You got the show shut down."
1063
00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:24,000
Well, I... I think Vernon did a...
1064
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,080
Well, I... I think Vernon did a...
1065
00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:28,040
good job of that all by himself.
1066
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:31,000
Actually,
watching you was sort of thrilling.
1067
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:32,000
You were positively gladiatorial.
1068
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,320
You were positively gladiatorial.
1069
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:39,040
Made me rather wish you'd
fought that hard over me.
1070
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:48,000
(PANTING)
1071
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:48,720
(PANTING)
1072
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:51,680
(GASPS)
1073
00:44:51,720 --> 00:44:53,560
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
1074
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,000
"Actually, it was damn sexy."
1075
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:56,800
"Actually, it was damn sexy."
1076
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:04,000
1077
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:04,840
1078
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:09,360
the street
1079
00:45:09,400 --> 00:45:11,920
1080
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:12,000
1081
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,240
1082
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,520
1083
00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:20,000
1084
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:22,840
1085
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:25,240
1086
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:27,240
1087
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:28,000
1088
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:29,840
1089
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:33,520
1090
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:36,000
1091
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,320
1092
00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:39,320
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
1093
00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,960
Leave the girls alone
1094
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,000
(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)
1095
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:44,560
(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)
1096
00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:07,160
(SPEAKS FRENCH):
1097
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:12,960
(SINGING CONTINUES)
1098
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,640
(SINGING CONTINUES)
1099
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,120
(SINGING FADES AND MUSIC STOPS)
1100
00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:48,000
Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky
1101
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:48,800
Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky
83950
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