Original subtitles

Movie provided by Loquito.

Spanish subtitles addded by Loquito.

Who's this?

Can you hear me?

Answer your fucking phone!

She has a pulse, but its faint.

No!

You're all right, stay with me.

Look at me.

Hey, please.

Are you watching?

Please.

Keep your eyes open.

This is that moment.

Please stay alive.

Where it all ends

Please stay alive.

No, don't go.

Because of what I did.

Please.

One, two, three.

And again, one, two.

Hi, Ms. Rose.

Can I call you Dean?

Yeah.

My name is Dr. Teixeira.

You can call me Janet.

I'm assigned- - I know who you are.

Okay.

So you know what I'm here to do?

How are you feeling today?

Well, I reviewed the toxicology report.

You had extremely high levels of benzodiazepine

and sertraline in your system.

You had blood alcohol concentration of 0.25.

Cocaine.

Your arms took 42 stitches to close the wounds.

You are really lucky to be alive.

Help me to understand

why you would attempt to take your own life.

I wasn't...

I wasn't trying to kill myself.

So just a regular Tuesday night?

I've been informed by Jackson

that this wasn't your first attempt.

There have been others.

That's...

It's not true.

It's a lie.

We saw the scars on your arms and legs.

Don't get me 5150.

This will follow me for the rest of my life.

Then explain to me what happened.

I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else.

I've never hurt anybody.

I just...

I just wanna go home and I wanna sleep.

Wanna sleep.

It was a mistake.

How do you expect me to believe that?

Anyone who cuts their arms that deep

is a threat to themselves.

Yeah.

You've already made your decision.

So, can you get the fuck outta my room?

Listen, give me one!

Give me one. - Michael.

- Michael. - Stand down!

You watch my wife!

This is gonna calm you down, Michael.

Michael, good.

Everybody thinks I'm crazy.

Just be happy.

Happiness is a choice.

Fucking right, I chose to be this way.

I t's like a virus taking over my brain.

I just want it to stop, but you're keeping me here.

And where's the fucking cure?

Well, unfortunately there is no official cure,

but we do have tools that can help us,

coping skills, talking about our feelings.

Help us feel better.

I think you need to share.

Your continual refusal to eat

is only making things more difficult, Dean.

So again, please,

stand and come with us to the cafeteria.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

Get off of me!

No!

I need you to get immediately.

Get off, get off of me!

You're okay.

I've been on medication.

Magic.

You should eat.

It's easier.

And you should probably stop taking them pills

they're giving you.

You're actually gonna go insane.

You know, they get paid for every drug they prescribe us.

Antipsychotics, barbiturates, opioids, whatever it is,

they're getting paid.

That's why there's literally a pill for everything.

I mean, look around the room.

Just at the numbers, you know?

Let's say they get $15 a day per person.

Multiply that by what, 50 people in the hospital right now.

Many of us here for 30 days or longer.

That's $22,500 on medication alone.

Not to mention fucking room, board, therapy,

medical procedures.

What do you think the force feeding runs ya?

10K at least.

And the second we're released,

we're just replaced with someone else.

And the worst of it,

most of these patients come here looking for help

and instead they're locked up, stuffed full of pills,

and charged for therapy.

Can only imagine the addictions that follow this place.

A fucking epidemic.

It's a fucking joke.

Have you seen the commercials for these things?

Feel happy, be better.

Love your children again.

May cause anal seepage, a limp dick,

accidentally growing dick and flesh eating disease.

It's ridiculous.

It's goddamn ridiculous.

So what exactly is the point then?

There isn't one.

That makes me feel better, thanks.

Good, I'm glad.

Anytime.

I'm a ray of sunshine, always.

I'm Bria.

Dean.

You a cutter?

Not a fucking cutter.

So the wraps are a fashion accessory then?

I cut this time.

That does not make me a...

It doesn't make me a cutter.

Okay, what are you then?

Depressed.

So they tell me.

How about you?

A junkie, or so they tell me.

Drug of choice?

Anything that gets me high.

I love me some H.

Yeah, I was always more of an upper person myself.

Down enough genetically, I don't really need the help.

So, how exactly does being a junkie land you here?

Well, when you take enough heroin to kill a horse,

they believe there might be something else behind it.

Also, having enough in my possession

to get a small village high didn't really help my case.

Was there something else behind it?

I tried to kill myself.

It's traumatic.

So they tell me.

And now?

Stay tuned.

How have you been doing in here?

Cute kid.

Either you can talk and eventually get out of here

or we can sit in silence every session.

But if you don't mind,

I'll get some administrative work done

while I have the quiet.

Your sister's coming tomorrow to see the judge.

Wanted to let you know.

You're okay.

I'm leaving.

I already spoke to the judge today.

There's nothing I can do about the 5150 on your record,

but I'll do what I can.

I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.

Oh, no, no, you were thinking.

You were just only thinking about yourself.

I begged you to come live with me.

You pulled away.

What was I supposed to do?

I can't do this.

You wanna kill yourself?

I'm not gonna stand by and watch.

You don't know what it's like.

I've been on Prozac for 11 years.

I've been dealing with this all my life.

It's genetic, Dean.

I know exactly how it feels to be depressed,

to feel unimportant, to be left behind.

I was there too.

I love you.

I hope you stick around, I really do.

You know you can't be in other patient's rooms.

Let's go.

Come on, she's having a rough go.

You know the rules.

Get outta the room, Bria.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Fresh meat.

Yeah.

First time?

No, she has definitely been in before.

Cutter?

Daddy?

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm gonna say boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Mm-hm.

That sounds about right.

Can I get a cigarette?

So I need a couple more minutes for specifics,

but I am going to...

I'm gonna say major daddy issues.

Sexually curious, but only to piss daddy off.

Ethnic, so I'm just on my thought.

Fuck, I'm crazy.

Probably a chip on your shoulder for the people.

All in all, it's men.

Men are your problem and they drive you fucking bunkers.

Yeah.

I mean, it's slightly racist,

but yeah, I guess that about sums me up.

Cha-ching.

I don't give a fuck about my people though.

I'm a mutt.

They're all fucked.

It's not men.

Oh, goddamn it, that was my instinct.

It was, and I should have gone with it.

I should have gone with my gut.

Go with your gut.

Yeah, I sorry to disappoint you,

but women are my problem.

So I'll give you that.

What are you writing?

Nothing.

Can I see?

Shit, it's...

It's okay.

This is what I'm doing.

Can I just read it?

Please?

Are these lyrics?

Not very good ones.

Will you sing these to me?

Fuck you.

- Come on. - No.

Are you like a pussy?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, you're laying in a mental institution

involuntarily locked up next to a crazy lesbian

that tried to fuck up her girlfriend's lover.

I mean, it doesn't get much lower than this.

Well, well, well.

Like a lesbo in a candy shop.

How the fuck did you luck out here?

What do you think I am, the beacon of truth and honesty?

I don't wanna be a cliterference, bro.

These are really good.

Thanks, I just wanted to see them.

You know, the minute you stop doing what you love,

you're fucked.

I just couldn't take the rejection.

Yeah, but you don't have to sing for anyone else.

I work in this Italian restaurant.

It's like tiny.

And the mom and Bob, they hang my artwork on the walls

with little price tags

as if someone's actually gonna buy it.

They think that it's special.

And so I paint.

It's all the motivation I need.

You don't have to be a famous singer.

If you love to sing, you gotta sing.

Open.

Not fucking close.

Code blue!

Do we have a pulse?

There's no pulse!

Can we untie the sheet?

Come on.

Someone get something to cut the sheet!

Somebody get something we can cut the sheet with!

Oh god, fucking [indistinct].

Breathe.

Who the fuck let him have it

and why was he alone in his room?

There you go, breathe.

Go on, Taryn, get back to your room.

What is going on in here?

I brought her in here.

I didn't think it was good for her to see that.

Yeah.

Just keep breathing.

Did you know Carter?

Janet, I'm ready to get the fuck outta here.

What would be your plan if you were released?

I have to find out where all my shit is.

And a place.

My sister's making me take control of my trust again. It's just so she doesn't have to talk to me.

Give her time.

People can take these things very personally.

She believes you're ready to get out.

That's surprising.

What do you think?

I agree.

Why do you think I should release you?

I don't know, because you can keep me in here

as long as you want to.

But it's something that I really wanna do.

I'm gonna figure out a way.

You can't protect me.

Look at Carter.

I have some shit that I have to work through,

but I don't wanna see stuff like this anymore.

I can pretend that it didn't fuck with me

seeing him that way, but it did.

I don't want nurses always watching me.

You know, I don't belong here.

I'm not crazy.

Just sad.

What happens the next time?

I don't wanna die.

I just don't want the life I have sometimes.

It's hard carrying that much baggage around all the time,

but I wanna learn.

And I think that's the first step.

I'll start the wheels of motion for your release.

Thank you.

Don't make me regret this.

You scared the shit outta me.

I'm gonna miss you.

Gonna miss you.

You have no idea how amazing it feels

to have someone like you in my life again.

Because I haven't had it for a really, really long time.

Me either.

And it's terrifying.

I can't lose you too.

I'm not going anywhere.

My parents...

They were all I had.

And then one day, they were just gone.

And nobody cared if I was alive or dead.

And shitty people get to live every day.

But my parents are gone

because some girl had to answer a text message.

And I wondered every day what it said,

what words and in what order

took a priority in the universe.

What was that important?

Because it ruined my life.

They loved you.

They didn't wanna leave you.

Must be amazing knowing

that they would still be here with you if they could.

You are so incredibly loved.

Hey, this is Bennett.

Please leave a message.

I will get back to you.

Hi!

Bitch, where have you been?

I've been calling you.

I miss you.

Yeah.

No, no, no, I just woke up.

I'm sorry.

Are you sure?

Oh, what's been happening?

Wait for like two seconds

Crazy bitch.

No, I'm serious.

Oh my god!

Hey, Bennett's finally calling me.

Can I call you right back?

You better call me the fuck back.

No, I promise I'll call you right back.

Hoe, call me back!

I love you, bye.

Bye!

Hey.

I already got you started in the corner with some guys.

They're a little bit douchey, so put on a brave face.

Fucking great.

Hey guys, can I get you something to drink?

Look at you.

You're fucking gorgeous.

Sam, look at these lips.

Have you ever seen lips this beautiful?

I'm Ray and I'd love a jack and coke

and to see you on those pretty knees

by the end of the night.

So funny.

Calm down, sit down!

You okay?

- Yeah. - You're fine.

You're not dead.

- Okay. - Dean, come with me.

If it makes you feel any better, guy totally deserved it.

Lose your job?

Sorry.

Trenton.

Dean.

So where'd she go?

It wasn't really working out.

Is that before or after you punched a guy

for another girl?

I figured this way, we'd both go down for assault.

Then I'd definitely get to see you again.

You wanna go get drunk?

How long have you been here?

About three years now.

- Mm. - Cheers.

Cheers.

Okay, what brought you here?

I came from music.

I had to get the fuck out of that.

Yeah, is that 'cause Brooklyn was so bad.

Just lost some of its pizazz.

Yeah, where are you from?

Nashville.

I've always wanted to go there.

That's funny, I've always wanted to leave.

Mm.

Care to elaborate?

Too many shitty memories.

Yeah, see, lost its pizazz.

Mm.

Yeah, every street corner reminded me of something I lost.

And what'd you lose?

Everything.

Dad, my grandparents.

Look at that.

Yeah.

So, any other family?

None that I speak to, no.

You?

I have a sister.

She lives in San Francisco, but we don't talk much.

That's bizarre.

Family that I don't speak to

lives right outside the city.

Walnut Creek.

Intriguing.

I'd say.

So, music, hmm?

Music.

Producing what?

Yeah, a little bit of everything.

Right now, I do music for the motion pictures.

Is it your own music?

Not really.

I'm more of a music supervisor, so I get to take any bands

or songs that nobody's ever heard of and give 'em exposure.

Kinda my way of making other people's dreams come true.

I'm paying it forward.

And why don't you use your own music?

Because it's not ready yet.

But I will one day.

What's your thing, Nashville?

What's your deal? What's your "thang"?

I don't have a "thang."

Really, nothing?

I like music.

I used to sing a little bit.

I used to do a lot of things.

Well, that's perfect 'cause I'll play you my stuff

when you play me yours.

That's never going to happen.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

Don't you hold your breath.

Okay.

Dream place to go?

Italy.

Birthday?

October 28th.

Shut the fuck up.

- What? - Wait, 10/28?

Yeah, that would be October 28th.

That would be.

Creepy, I have a huge connection to that number.

What's the connection?

It's the name of this song

that I've always wanted to finish.

I don't get it, the song's name is 10/28?

Well, it's never officially been named, you know,

that must have been the date that I created it.

But I never finished it, so yeah,

it's still 10/28 in my computer.

What's it about?

I don't really know.

I saw this girl in this coffee shop and she just looked sad.

She was so stunning.

But when I was watching her, you know,

people would go up and talk to her and she'd smile.

As soon as they walked away, she'd just drop it.

It was painful, forced.

And she just looked so sad.

And then I heard this beat in my head and a couple phrases

and I went home and I created it for her.

But just never found inspiration to finish it.

Maybe that's all it was ever supposed to be.

Maybe, but there's only like eight lyrics.

Maybe that's enough.

Maybe.

Can we go listen to it?

- Like right now? - Yeah, like now.

I wanna hear it.

♪ I'll be fine ♪

♪ It'll be fine ♪

♪ Please don't worry about me ♪

♪ I'm fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪

♪ I wish you cared ♪

♪ I'm fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪

♪ Don't worry about me

♪ I'm fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪

♪ I wish you cared ♪

It's perfect.

It is just like that.

You can't change anything about it, not even the name.

Yeah?

Promise?

Yeah, I promise.

It's really fucking good.

Thank you.

Is this your grandma?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my babushka.

She was basically my mom.

She raised me.

What happened with your parents?

I know that you said that your dad passed.

Yeah, yeah.

My old man, he's gone.

My mom, she's [Trenton whistles] around.

Walnut Creek.

Yeah, yeah.

Noted.

But my baba, she was everything to me.

I mean, she was my friend, my parent, my mentor, my teacher.

She was more like a tutor and did my homework for me.

She was beautiful.

I can see how much she loves you.

She was amazing.

♪ I wanna get feeling ♪

♪ When I'm feeling, don't care about nothing babe ♪

♪ I wanna get ♪

Wait, wait.

Wait a second, wait.

I just don't know that we should go all the way right now,

if we should do that.

- Go all the way? - Yeah.

Is this middle school?

No, no, just I really like you

and I don't want to fuck it up by going all the way.

I just think that...

I think maybe we should just, you know...

Hold hands, go steady?

Yeah, talk and I could, sure.

I could hold you or we could just make out or whatever.

I just don't wanna fuck it up, you know?

Yeah.

Is that okay?

It's not that I...

Oh, shut up.

Please don't make me feel any worse.

What is all of this?

They're just thoughts, ideas, some songs.

One's 10/28.

Well, you can cross that one off.

Well, yeah, I could, but you know,

I might leave it up now just to remind me of you.

You know, a little memento.

I can help you with that.

Yeah, what you got?

Let's see it.

I am quite the artist.

- Okay. - If I do say so myself.

I'm excited.

We gotta get the hair.

A little heart action.

So what is that, exactly?

What?

I can't...

- It's us. - Oh, shit.

That's super insulting.

Yeah, no, no, I see it.

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.

No, no.

It's a little tiny, uh yeah.

Now I see it.

- Yeah. - I get it, yeah.

The proportions...

Seem accurate.

Believe me, I felt down there.

- Yeah, okay. - Yeah.

Little peepee.

The small penis.

And we're holding hands, it's just like...

Yeah, it's identical.

Yeah, totally.

Oh, you are an artist.

Thank you for the drawing.

Is that really what you think my thing looks like?

Mr. let's just talk and I have a tiny penis.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

No.

Okay, it's been really fucking tough.

If you could just cut me slack this one time.

I'd really fucking appreciate it.

I really am sorry.

Sorry.

What happened?

I lost my job for starters.

Fuck them.

You've got money, you don't need work.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It's exactly what I need.

Just a lot of free time and just me and my thoughts.

You know, it's a great idea, I like that.

I didn't really think that one all the way through.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Have you talked to your sister?

She won't answer.

I thought she called you back the other day.

You should write to her.

That way, you know, you get to say what you wanna say.

Yeah, I don't really know what to say.

Yeah, you fucking do.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Stop.

Oh, fuck.

I'd never leave you.

If you wanna kill yourself,

I'm not gonna stand by and watch.

No, no, no, no, no.

So what's something you've always wanted to do?

Travel, it's a big one for me.

Where do you want to go?

Everywhere.

Never been anywhere.

What are you doing?

Up, let's go.

What?

Come on.

Where are we going?

Going on an adventure to everywhere.

Always wondering what's going on in that head of yours.

You really wanna know what I was thinking?

Yeah, I do.

It's scary.

I like you as much as I do right now

because there is a chance you won't like me back.

Yeah, well, I've been in love with you

since the moment I saw you.

You don't know me.

I'm not easy to be with.

I am moody and mean.

And I have gotten so, so good at fucking things up.

Well, you don't know me either.

I'm a resilient motherfucker.

Hey, let's play a game.

Now, it's called the honesty game.

And we've gotta tell each other the most fucked up,

shameful things that we've ever done in our lives.

You know, shit that we'd normally

try to hide from each other.

I'm good actually, I think.

Oh, come on, hear me out.

It's fun!

Look, look, we just cut through the bullshit, right?

And if we're still standing at the end, give this a try.

I mean, like a real fucking try.

Proceed.

Merci.

What happened to your parents?

That's so funny.

I was actually just thinking

that you should probably go first

'cause it's your fucking game.

Ooh, touche.

Why don't you speak to your mother?

Oof, good one.

So my parents, they were married happily for 19 years.

And then when I was 11, my dad got lung cancer.

He died.

My mom kind of got lost after that.

She was just sad all the time.

And then she met Dan.

Dan called himself Dan the motherfucking man.

There wasn't a lot of things that Dan liked.

He didn't like kids, but he did like hitting women.

When I started to stand up to him, that's when they left.

And I moved in with my grandma.

So my mom literally chose abuse over me.

Now she's trying to reach out again

and I've got nothing to say to her,

so I lost both my parents the day my dad died.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Both my parents are dead.

Mom died of a heroin overdose when I was five.

I don't know if it was intentional or not.

My dad did.

But apparently he didn't think that was useful information

to tell me before he took his own life 10 years ago.

Is that what you were afraid to tell me?

No, I said I'm just like him.

So you tried to kill yourself?

Yep.

Why?

I don't know.

I was going through a breakup with my ex that was messy,

but I had wanted to do it

for a really long time before that.

Why do you think you were so unhappy?

I used to say it was because I'm an artist.

I had to stay in these deep dark places to create my art,

but I don't make art anymore.

So I think that might've been bullshit too.

Maybe it really does just come down to my mom and dad.

Finding my dad that way didn't help.

You found your dad?

Shotgun to the head.

I was right upstairs, so he knew I'd find him.

I was barefoot when I came running in.

I'll never forget that feeling under my feet.

Wow, I'm really sorry, Dean.

It's funny, it's like once it's a thought in your head,

it's always there.

Like an alcoholic is always gonna want a drink.

And a girl with bulimia is always gonna think

about running off to the bathroom after a steak dinner.

But with sadness, it just has its way of creeping in,

even over the smallest things.

Bad day, kill yourself.

Heartbroken, kill yourself.

Parking ticket, kill yourself.

Fuck.

I have so many parking tickets.

Did they hold you in the hospital after?

Yeah.

Life's definitely been interesting ever since.

I'll give it that, but to be honest,

I'm still pretty fucking embarrassed.

Like when you fail,

you have to look the people on the face that you hurt.

And I don't know what to say.

I think you just gotta tell 'em straight up

like you just told me.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Some people just feel more deeply than others.

Did I win?

Yeah, that one point from two point.

Yeah, you won the game.

Yeah, congratulations champ.

Yeah.

This is why I wanted that night to be different.

I'm sure that's what a lot of guys want from you,

but I want you.

Every single part of you.

♪ We'll cut our teeth ♪

♪ May the day stay sweet ♪

♪ May your steady heart bea t ♪

♪ Be the good in me ♪

♪ The good in me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You fed me reason ♪

♪ Just like I taught you to ♪

♪ Brought the wooden cu p ♪

♪ To my mouth ♪

♪ And I drank ♪

Who are those sexy women?

Who are the sexy women?

Oh my God, oh my.

Oh, I missed you.

Miss you.

You love my friend.

Yeah, I really do.

Yeah.

And you're aware of where I was just released from?

I am.

Okay.

And they've explained that Taryn was a resident

of this fine establishment as well?

Yes, indeed they have.

So you understand that if you hurt her,

we will fucking kill you.

Oh, shit.

Fully aware.

Put your arms around me.

I haven't felt a man in months!

One, two, three!

Thank you.

You're just using me for my cooking.

I kinda like this.

Oh, and your money.

Don't forget that.

It's been real nice not paying for anything.

Wow.

You know I love you.

Nope, don't believe you.

You don't believe me?

Nope.

Okay.

Excuse me, everyone here!

I would like you all to know

how much I love this beautiful man.

Well endowed, monster in the-

♪ I was broken ♪

You sure?

♪ No voice, a choice could be trusted ♪

♪ Hope for me was a lie ♪

♪ Just another reason to cr y ♪

♪ Lost I must confess ♪

♪ Taking up space at best ♪

♪ No guiding light through the darkness inside ♪

♪ And longing to lay it to rest ♪

♪ But everything looks so different ♪

♪ When you step out of the dark ♪

♪ You showed me rock bottom ♪

♪ Could be a beautiful place to start ♪

You're so beautiful.

Hi.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm glad you found God in these dark times.

I was gonna write you back, but I ended up on a plane.

I go through day after day with this crippling fear.

I just keep up the status quo

because that's what I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to be the together one,

but I'm not together.

I want a baby so bad.

It's all I want.

But I have this...

The thought of postpartum.

What if I fuck up?

What if I'm not a good mom?

I am not a good sister.

How the fuck am I gonna be a good mom?

That is not true.

I failed you, Dean.

That is not true.

When I was laying on that bathroom floor,

all I could think about was you.

I kept praying if somehow I made it, I could fix this.

All I felt in those last moments were regret.

And it was terrifying.

I can't go through it again.

I'm so scared.

It will kill me if you die.

I'm not going anywhere.

You know that, I can't even picture her face anymore.

I try to recall details,

but all I have really are the things that you've told me.

And now, every time I picture his face,

it's how I found him that night.

Sometimes it feels like they didn't even exist.

I see her every time I look at you.

You look exactly like her.

I miss them too, but I miss you more.

What if I moved?

What if I moved to San Francisco?

What about your life here?

I would go if you would let me.

Jackson, stop.

Jackson!

Please stop!

I know what that must have done to you,

finding me like that.

You are the most gentle, kind man I know.

And I know that that must have destroyed you.

I'm sorry.

I know why you're here.

You want closure and forgiveness

and I can't give that to you.

I can't.

I know that you have no reason to believe me,

but I've changed.

I have.

I have friends and family.

I'm moving to be with my sister,

and I'm in a healthy relationship.

For the first time in my life,

I haven't fucked something up.

I'm better.

I'm doing better.

How many times did we go on this rollercoaster?

You would sell me on how you were getting better,

how you were gonna change and you would give me hope

that things were going to be different,

and then you would throw everything you had at me!

I tried.

I tried even when you stopped trying.

I tried for you, I did.

So I hope it is different.

I hope it is different because if it's not, then let him go.

Because after you, I'm never the same, ever.

Baby.

The fuck are you doing here?

You okay?

What's going on?

Dean?

What are you doing here?

I told you I'd come over after work.

You okay?

Get the fuck out of my house.

Excuse me?

Get the fuck out of my fucking house.

Babe, what's going on?

Get the fuck out of my house!

Why are you...

Why are you here?

Babe, calm down.

What the fuck is going on?

What's the matter?

Get out of here!

What is going on?

Get outta my house!

Why?

Because I don't want you here.

- What the fuck happened? - I don't want you here!

Who said you could be in here?

Babe, it's okay.

Don't touch me!

Get out of my house!

Babe.

I don't want you

in my fucking house. - I heard you.

What is going on?

Then why are you standing here?

Why, do you get off on it?

Babe, explain.

What do you want?

Do you want me to fucking cut myself in front of you?

Is this what you're into?

Baby, no.

You fucking sick fuck.

No one wants you here.

No one!

Go.

Go!

Fuck you, go.

What, do you get off on this?

Get the fuck out of my house.

No one wants you around, you hear me?

Not even your own fucking mama.

This was just a fuck.

Get out of my-

If you're gonna do it,

fucking do it like you fucking mean it!

Do it like you mean it!

Go!

I know you.

I fucking know you.

You wanna self-destruct.

You don't want me around?

Just say the word, Dean.

You just say the fucking word.

Go.

Go.

Shut the door, bitch!

Shut the fucking door!

Go!

I need help.

I don't wanna fuck things up like I always do.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Did I wake anyone else up?

It's just me.

What happened?

Are you sober?

Yep.

I have three years.

That's a much lower number than I would've expected.

Why did you choose to come here tonight, Dean?

That's a good question.

All this time, I thought that they both killed themselves.

Then I found this.

"I never know the proper way to talk about her

and it's not fair to you both.

She was trying to quit, but she couldn't.

She was the one who was good at this.

She was meant to be a mother.

Sorry I wasn't better.

I'd trade places with her if I could.

I wish I was strong enough to carry on,

but I hope you'll continue.

I love you.

I love you both."

Do you know how long I looked for that?

Every jacket, every drawer, every place that we used to go.

Even places that didn't make sense.

I couldn't accept that he didn't even say goodbye.

Would you rather have not found it?

No.

I'd rather have a mother here,

rather have a father alive telling me this shit.

What I don't want is writing on the back of a picture

that means nothing.

No closure, no explanation, nothing.

I know it hurts.

But this is what you've always wanted.

That's what I've always wanted?

Is that what I've always wanted?

No!

Actually, what I wanted was parents or to feel normal.

Do you know what I would give to feel normal?

What I don't want is a bunch of writing

on the back of the only fucking memento I have of my mom,

the only way that I remember what she even looks like,

because he's too big of a coward to tell me!

He couldn't just tell me that to my face and not do it.

Dean, you are so strong.

Why are you so convinced I am strong?

You don't know me!

I know that you're just the product of your surroundings,

that none of your issues are actually your own,

that you'd actually be fine

if you could just let go and forgive yourself.

You could not have saved him, Dean.

You sit in your fancy fucking house

with your pretty life and your pretty things.

You know nothing about what it's like to feel like this!

Do you think that you're the only person who knows loss?

Huh?

My son died at 15.

He took his own life with pills from my medicine cabinet.

I gave him the weapon to end his life.

I'm the only one to blame and I didn't fucking see it.

It's my fucking job and I didn't see it in my own son.

So don't you dare tell me that I don't know what it's like.

I drank myself to death for years

before I could muster a day without him sober.

I lost husband, myself, my family.

Why did he do it?

Why does it matter?

We'll never be able to ask them why.

They're gone.

I love my little boy more than life itself.

And every single day

I breathe on this planet without him hurts.

I feel it in every single breath.

But I refuse to give up because that is what survivors do.

They fight and they save everyone they can along the way.

So what are you, Dean?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yes.

- I don't know! - Yes, you do.

I don't know.

I know what I'm supposed to say.

I know I'm supposed to say I am sorry,

but it doesn't feel like it means enough.

God, I fucked up so bad.

I can't forgive myself for what I said about your mom,

and it wasn't true obviously.

I'm so sorry.

Okay.

I know.

You know my mom,

she's dying and I'm not ready to forgive her,

not in my life time, but I don't know what to do.

Once they're gone,

there will be a million things that you wanna say.

So many times I pick up the phone

and I don't even know who to call

when there's good news and there's bad news,

and I would hate that to happen to you.

You have a fucking chance.

I would kill for that.

I'm sorry.

I'd come home just to masturbate.

I was trying to shield her from the depravity.

I'm moving to San Francisco.

And I know you guys have your lives here

and I can't expect you just to leave them,

but I really wish you would 'cause I think

that we could all be really happy there together.

Hey, wherever you go, I go.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Maybe we can go to Walnut Creek.

I know.

Is this like a "Sister Wives," or?

It's like more like "Three's Company."

Jesus.

I gotta smoke.

San Francisco.

Have you ever been?

Does Taryn know?

I called her 30 times.

And I plan to ask her as well.

How are we gonna afford it?

Let me worry about that.

Oh, so okay, now you're going to use that money.

My God, the money.

Do you know why I have that money?

Because you're fucking rich.

Because I'm a rich bitch.

Yeah, no, I was actually super fucking poor growing up.

Me and Bennett shared a room for most of our lives,

but my dad took out a giant life insurance policy.

And then three days from the day

that the suicide clause expired, he took his own life.

So rather than talking to me or getting help

or doing bad things, he waited to do it.

So I don't want his fucking blood money.

But I would use it if it meant that I got to be with you

and that we got to be happy and all of us could be together.

You and I both pretend we don't need anybody,

but it is complete bullshit because I need you

and I am not afraid to tell you that I really need you.

And I think that you need me too.

Put your arms up.

Oh my goodness.

You're soaring.

I'm flying!

I'm jacking this.

Oh, a cigarette!

Oh, goddamn.

What if I fuck it up?

I'll fuck it up first.

You will, you will fuck it up.

And so will I, I'm sure.

super good.

Bria, what the fuck is going on?

How'd she do it?

I looked around that room today.

All I saw were people that loved her.

We're all so convinced that no one cares,

but every face in that room was crushed.

Suicide destroys everyone's life who surrounds it.

Not yours.

No, you're gone.

Someone in that room, they had to find her that way.

It's just a vicious fucking cycle.

And every time we do it, we make it more

and more acceptable to the people around us.

But it's not, it's not okay.

How do we fix it?

Live.

We suffer and we work shitty fucking jobs

and live average normal lives.

And we get old and fat.

We go through menopause.

At least we're alive and we're together.

At least we didn't give up.

It's a much scarier choice to choose to live.

Giving up is easy.

Sounds fucking terrible.

I'm game.

I have daydreams about marriage, babies, future,

all these things that I never thought

I'd live long enough to see.

You as a mother.

I would love to see that.

I wanted you to know that you saved my life.

I didn't realize how much I wanted someone

to do that for me, to care about me enough to help me,

as much as I hated you for doing it.

I didn't make it easy.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

I'm genuinely happy.

Obviously not all day, not every day.

You know, life's not perfect, but it's getting there.

God, if you had told me that my life would look like this

a year ago, I would've told you you do need to be sober.

I'm just so in love with my life.

It's the only word that keeps coming to my mind.

Love, love.

Grateful.

I'm really, really grateful that I failed that night.

I wouldn't have had any of this if it wasn't for that night.

I'm really grateful to be alive.

So, thank you.

Can I hug you?

Of course.

Come here.

You ready?

Are you ready?

Hey, Mom.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I've never actually been here before.

Yeah, my whole family came here on a trip once.

My dad had never been to San Francisco before.

And yeah, we brought him.

Every time I think of him, I picture him right here.

All my family, really, especially today.

Holy shit.

You are it for me.

This is my grandmother's ring.

She wore it for 72 years.

It's yours if you'll have me.

Will you marry me?

- Yes. - Yes?

She said yes!

Yes!

♪ God is weeping ♪

♪ And teeth are gnashing ♪

♪ And his heart is aching ♪

♪ And ever breaking ♪

I'm genuinely happy.

Not all day, not every day.

You know, life's not perfect, but it's getting there.

God, if you told me that my life

would look like this a year ago,

I would've told you, you do need to be sober.

I'm just so in love my life.

It's the only word that keeps coming in my mind.

Not Dean!

Love, love, love.

Grateful.

I'm really, really grateful that I failed that night.

♪ Bells are ringing ♪

I wouldn't have had any of this

if it wasn't for that night.

♪ And sirens are calling ♪

I'm really grateful to be alive.

♪ Those who are weary ♪

So thank you.

♪ Of the darkness falling ♪

♪ And heaven is sleeping ♪

♪ Above thunder and lightning ♪

♪ And the devil is laughing ♪

♪ At the darkness falling ♪

♪ mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

I saw it all.

What could have been.

This time, I choose to live.

♪ I was broken ♪

♪ I'll stay ♪

♪ No voice, the choice could be trusted ♪

♪ Hope for me was a lie ♪

♪ Just another reason to cry ♪

♪ Lost I must confess ♪

♪ Taking up space at best ♪

♪ No guiding light through the darkness inside ♪

♪ And longing to lay it to res t ♪

♪ Everything looks so different to me ♪

♪ When you come out of the dark ♪

♪ You showed me that rock-bottom could be ♪

♪ A beautiful place to star t ♪

♪ You gave me your love ♪

♪ You showed me your heart ♪

♪ I found a place where I could feel safe ♪

♪ Inside your loving arms ♪

♪ Everything looks so different to me ♪

♪ When you come out of the dark ♪

♪ You showed me ♪

♪ That rock-bottom could be ♪

♪ A beautiful place to star t ♪