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1
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♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:05,776 --> 00:00:08,528
So you're not paying
any rent at all?
3
00:00:08,529 --> 00:00:10,980
Walden doesn't want
my money, we're friends.
4
00:00:10,982 --> 00:00:13,866
Wow. I can't wait till I grow up
and find a friend
5
00:00:13,868 --> 00:00:15,735
of my own to live off of.
6
00:00:15,737 --> 00:00:18,371
That's my dream for you.
7
00:00:18,373 --> 00:00:19,789
Mail's here.
8
00:00:19,791 --> 00:00:21,774
Whoa!
9
00:00:21,776 --> 00:00:22,908
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
10
00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:24,233
Hey!
11
00:00:28,322 --> 00:00:31,020
Uh, Walden, are you
feeling okay?
12
00:00:31,021 --> 00:00:32,054
Yeah, fine. Why?
13
00:00:32,751 --> 00:00:35,958
Your junk's all over
the couch, dude.
14
00:00:35,959 --> 00:00:37,358
Yeah, so?
15
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,628
It's my house, my couch,
my junk.
16
00:00:40,630 --> 00:00:42,881
Fair point.
17
00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:44,532
Remember, we're guests.
18
00:00:44,534 --> 00:00:46,167
I thought we were friends.
19
00:00:46,169 --> 00:00:48,636
What is this?
20
00:00:48,638 --> 00:00:52,924
Package for "Alan Smith"
from "Penis Pump Industries."
21
00:00:52,926 --> 00:00:56,010
Nobody here by that name.
22
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,646
I'll just... I'll take this
back to the post office.
23
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,102
Oh boy, perfect.
24
00:01:04,104 --> 00:01:06,488
What?
25
00:01:06,490 --> 00:01:09,056
It's my divorce papers
from Bridget.
26
00:01:09,058 --> 00:01:10,742
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, man.
27
00:01:10,744 --> 00:01:13,194
I remember getting
my divorce papers.
28
00:01:13,196 --> 00:01:14,896
That was a sad,
sad day.
29
00:01:14,898 --> 00:01:16,030
Remember, Jake?
30
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,832
I wasn't with you,
I was with Mom.
31
00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:19,584
She had a party on a boat.
32
00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:23,421
You gonna be okay?
33
00:01:23,423 --> 00:01:25,123
Yeah, I'm fine.
34
00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:26,791
I guess I knew it was coming.
35
00:01:26,793 --> 00:01:28,259
Well, that's a very
healthy attitude.
36
00:01:28,261 --> 00:01:30,261
Of course, I was hoping she'd
change her mind.
37
00:01:30,263 --> 00:01:33,014
But if I had hope in one
hand and poop in the other,
38
00:01:33,016 --> 00:01:34,582
guess which hand would be full?
39
00:01:34,584 --> 00:01:37,418
The poop hand?
40
00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,104
Bingo.
41
00:01:39,106 --> 00:01:41,306
Yes.
42
00:01:41,308 --> 00:01:44,692
Well, my marriage is over.
43
00:01:44,694 --> 00:01:46,561
Big deal.
44
00:01:46,563 --> 00:01:48,897
It's only the final death knell
45
00:01:48,899 --> 00:01:51,766
of the most meaningful
relationship of my life.
46
00:01:51,768 --> 00:01:53,535
Bong.
47
00:01:53,537 --> 00:01:55,403
That was a knell.
48
00:01:55,405 --> 00:01:57,455
But you're young.
49
00:01:57,457 --> 00:01:59,958
I'm sure you'll find
someone else eventually.
50
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,210
Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure.
51
00:02:02,212 --> 00:02:03,878
It's easy
to find a soul mate.
52
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,381
Heck, you practically trip over
them everywhere you turn.
53
00:02:06,383 --> 00:02:08,550
Oh, look, a soul mate!
54
00:02:08,552 --> 00:02:11,118
Oh, jeepers, there's
another soul mate!
55
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,455
Everywhere I look
it's another soul mate.
56
00:02:14,457 --> 00:02:16,141
No, it's a great day.
57
00:02:16,143 --> 00:02:19,293
It's just another fabulous day
in the life of Walden Schmidt.
58
00:02:19,295 --> 00:02:20,929
Yah!
59
00:02:27,369 --> 00:02:29,521
Dad?
60
00:02:29,523 --> 00:02:30,655
Yeah?
61
00:02:30,657 --> 00:02:33,708
Please tell me I'm not
done growing.
62
00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:37,144
Knock yourself out.
63
00:02:38,146 --> 00:02:40,999
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
64
00:02:41,001 --> 00:02:44,202
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
65
00:02:44,204 --> 00:02:47,372
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
66
00:02:47,374 --> 00:02:49,507
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
67
00:02:49,509 --> 00:02:52,010
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
68
00:02:52,012 --> 00:02:55,046
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
69
00:02:55,048 --> 00:02:57,498
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
70
00:02:57,523 --> 00:03:01,023
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x06 ♪
The Squat and the Hover
Original Air Date on October 24, 2011
71
00:03:01,024 --> 00:03:04,524
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
72
00:03:06,190 --> 00:03:08,124
♪ Men. ♪
73
00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:16,316
- Walden?
- Yeah?
74
00:03:16,318 --> 00:03:19,502
What you doing?
75
00:03:19,504 --> 00:03:22,088
If I'm going to forget Bridget
and start a new life,
76
00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:24,140
I got to get rid
of the old one.
77
00:03:24,142 --> 00:03:27,310
Uh-huh. So, uh,
so this is all...
78
00:03:27,312 --> 00:03:29,996
Wedding photos
and love letters.
79
00:03:29,998 --> 00:03:31,197
Right, right.
80
00:03:32,917 --> 00:03:34,834
Oh, this is from
our second date.
81
00:03:34,836 --> 00:03:36,753
"I am bananas over you."
82
00:03:36,755 --> 00:03:38,338
Isn't that adorable?
83
00:03:39,290 --> 00:03:42,876
Burn in Hell,
little monkey.
84
00:03:42,878 --> 00:03:46,930
This-- wedding video.
85
00:03:46,932 --> 00:03:49,099
Honeymoon video.
86
00:03:49,101 --> 00:03:51,468
Oh, maybe I'll
keep that one.
87
00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:55,221
Listen, I understand that you're
very upset right now,
88
00:03:55,223 --> 00:03:56,606
but there may come a time
89
00:03:56,608 --> 00:03:58,841
when you'll regret not having
some of this stuff.
90
00:03:58,843 --> 00:04:01,194
You still have
your wedding photos?
91
00:04:01,196 --> 00:04:02,896
Well, the half
that she gave me.
92
00:04:02,898 --> 00:04:05,648
And by half, I mean
half of each picture.
93
00:04:07,536 --> 00:04:10,236
Yeah, well, I don't want
any mementos.
94
00:04:10,238 --> 00:04:12,739
In fact, I don't even want to
think about Bridget anymore.
95
00:04:12,741 --> 00:04:15,208
I am wiping the hard drive.
96
00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,627
Okay.
I'm rebooting the system.
97
00:04:17,629 --> 00:04:19,579
Whatever makes you happy.
And to really get a clean start,
98
00:04:19,581 --> 00:04:21,714
I'm going to sell this place
and move to New York.
99
00:04:21,716 --> 00:04:24,451
With the possible
exception of that.
100
00:04:24,453 --> 00:04:25,552
Why?
101
00:04:25,554 --> 00:04:27,036
What do you mean why?
102
00:04:27,038 --> 00:04:30,673
If you sell the place,
I wouldn't be able to live...
103
00:04:30,675 --> 00:04:32,976
...with myself.
104
00:04:32,978 --> 00:04:36,729
If I didn't encourage you
to reconsider,
105
00:04:36,731 --> 00:04:39,099
and maybe talk
to a professional.
106
00:04:39,101 --> 00:04:40,733
Like a shrink?
107
00:04:40,735 --> 00:04:44,053
This could all be a sign
of clinical depression.
108
00:04:44,055 --> 00:04:45,888
I guess you would know.
109
00:04:45,890 --> 00:04:48,408
If you're interested, I could
recommend a good psychiatrist.
110
00:04:48,410 --> 00:04:50,410
The one that my brother
used to go to.
111
00:04:50,412 --> 00:04:53,246
Uh, your brother
ended up dead.
112
00:04:53,248 --> 00:04:55,565
Well, yeah, that's
'cause a crazy woman
113
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:57,333
pushed him in front of a train.
114
00:04:57,335 --> 00:04:59,169
You can't blame
his shrink for that.
115
00:04:59,171 --> 00:05:02,172
If anything, blame
the crazy woman's shrink.
116
00:05:02,174 --> 00:05:04,424
I guess I got nothing
to lose, huh?
117
00:05:05,426 --> 00:05:06,843
I'm in.
118
00:05:06,845 --> 00:05:09,095
Okay. Well, I'll go get
her number.
119
00:05:09,097 --> 00:05:14,217
Geez, being a parasitic leech
is exhausting.
120
00:05:15,436 --> 00:05:17,604
♪ Men. ♪
121
00:05:17,606 --> 00:05:20,857
I'm sure you're aware that
depression is often the result
122
00:05:20,859 --> 00:05:22,258
of repressed anger.
123
00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:24,727
I'm not angry.
124
00:05:24,729 --> 00:05:26,613
Well, I got to tell you, Walden,
125
00:05:26,615 --> 00:05:30,150
burning all the mementos and
photographs from your marriage
126
00:05:30,152 --> 00:05:32,935
can be construed
as an angry gesture.
127
00:05:32,937 --> 00:05:35,655
That's not an angry gesture.
This is an angry gesture.
128
00:05:35,657 --> 00:05:36,956
Arr!
129
00:05:36,958 --> 00:05:39,292
That's a good one, too.
130
00:05:40,794 --> 00:05:43,663
Why don't we put your marriage
on the back burner for now.
131
00:05:43,665 --> 00:05:45,048
Let's talk about your childhood.
132
00:05:45,050 --> 00:05:48,051
I had a very happy childhood.
133
00:05:48,053 --> 00:05:49,452
Filled with wonderful memories.
134
00:05:49,454 --> 00:05:50,803
Your parents still together?
135
00:05:50,805 --> 00:05:53,423
No, and I don't want
to talk about it.
136
00:05:55,059 --> 00:05:57,810
All right, fine.
137
00:05:57,812 --> 00:06:01,514
My first childhood memory
138
00:06:01,516 --> 00:06:04,317
was my father disappearing
when I was three.
139
00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:06,152
He abandoned you
and your mother?
140
00:06:06,154 --> 00:06:07,604
No, he disappeared.
141
00:06:07,606 --> 00:06:10,523
He was an amateur magician
and it was his signature trick.
142
00:06:10,525 --> 00:06:12,525
Oh.
143
00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:15,945
And then when I was four,
144
00:06:15,947 --> 00:06:18,581
he ran off with
a lady sword swallower.
145
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,984
At least that's what
my mother called her.
146
00:06:21,986 --> 00:06:25,538
In retrospect, it might have
been a euphemism.
147
00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,091
So what was your mother like?
148
00:06:28,093 --> 00:06:31,044
Well, after Dad left,
she raised me by herself.
149
00:06:31,046 --> 00:06:32,512
And how was that?
150
00:06:32,514 --> 00:06:34,097
It was great.
151
00:06:34,099 --> 00:06:36,266
She did everything for me.
152
00:06:36,268 --> 00:06:38,334
And I always felt
safe with her.
153
00:06:38,336 --> 00:06:40,220
That sounds wonderful.
154
00:06:40,222 --> 00:06:41,521
It was.
155
00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:44,190
And the saddest day of my life
was when it ended.
156
00:06:44,192 --> 00:06:45,508
Why, what happened?
157
00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:47,377
I got married.
158
00:06:48,178 --> 00:06:49,946
Hello.
159
00:06:51,532 --> 00:06:54,150
How did your wife
and your mother get along?
160
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:56,452
Not very well.
I don't know why, though.
161
00:06:56,454 --> 00:06:58,521
Maybe it was just 'cause
they were so different.
162
00:06:58,523 --> 00:07:00,240
I see.
163
00:07:00,242 --> 00:07:02,125
Tell me more about your wife.
164
00:07:02,127 --> 00:07:03,209
Bridget?
165
00:07:03,894 --> 00:07:05,662
She's great.
166
00:07:05,664 --> 00:07:07,080
She did everything for me.
167
00:07:07,082 --> 00:07:08,881
And I always felt
very safe with her.
168
00:07:08,883 --> 00:07:12,252
Oh, isn't that what I said
about my mother?
169
00:07:12,254 --> 00:07:15,371
Oh, Walden, you went
and beat me to it.
170
00:07:15,373 --> 00:07:17,557
I wonder if when we get
right down to it,
171
00:07:17,559 --> 00:07:18,841
I married my mother.
172
00:07:18,843 --> 00:07:20,643
And we're off.
173
00:07:20,645 --> 00:07:23,062
What are we saying here?
174
00:07:23,064 --> 00:07:26,266
That Bridget's right
and I am emotionally immature?
175
00:07:26,268 --> 00:07:27,734
And all those years
176
00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:30,887
I was treating her more
like a mother than a wife?
177
00:07:30,889 --> 00:07:32,939
And how would that
make you feel if that were true?
178
00:07:32,941 --> 00:07:35,057
That would make me feel
very angry.
179
00:07:35,059 --> 00:07:38,394
And repressed anger is sometimes
the cause of...
180
00:07:38,396 --> 00:07:39,562
Depression.
181
00:07:39,564 --> 00:07:41,581
Ta-da.
182
00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:43,166
Ta-da.
183
00:07:43,168 --> 00:07:46,502
That's the last thing my dad
said before he disappeared.
184
00:07:48,255 --> 00:07:50,707
Is that it? Am I cured?
185
00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:53,576
Well, "cured" is one of those
laymen's terms
186
00:07:53,578 --> 00:07:56,579
that we psychiatrists
try to avoid.
187
00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:59,182
It hurts repeat business.
188
00:07:59,184 --> 00:08:00,566
Do I need to come back?
189
00:08:00,568 --> 00:08:02,602
I'm thinking three times
a week.
190
00:08:02,604 --> 00:08:04,103
Well, I was going to leave town.
191
00:08:04,105 --> 00:08:05,755
Well, then you have
a choice to make.
192
00:08:05,757 --> 00:08:08,558
You can stay here and make
your problems go away,
193
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,977
or you can go away
with your problems.
194
00:08:10,979 --> 00:08:14,364
Well, that is going in my book.
195
00:08:14,366 --> 00:08:17,667
Okay, I need to know
one more thing.
196
00:08:17,669 --> 00:08:19,319
When I was having sex
with my wife,
197
00:08:19,321 --> 00:08:21,120
was I really having
sex with my mother?
198
00:08:21,122 --> 00:08:23,239
I'm thinking double sessions.
199
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:24,540
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday?
200
00:08:24,542 --> 00:08:27,660
What... You...
Um, you don't work on Fridays?
201
00:08:27,662 --> 00:08:29,379
Not anymore.
202
00:08:29,381 --> 00:08:30,446
I'll see you next week.
203
00:08:30,448 --> 00:08:32,749
- Thank you, Dr. Freeman.
- You're welcome.
204
00:08:32,751 --> 00:08:35,585
Oh, gosh. Okay, that's fine.
205
00:08:35,587 --> 00:08:37,754
Bye-bye now.
206
00:08:38,589 --> 00:08:40,456
Bye.
207
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,345
Hmm, maybe I'm not gay.
208
00:08:47,765 --> 00:08:50,450
It turns out all these years,
I've been trying to duplicate
209
00:08:50,452 --> 00:08:52,985
the good feelings I have for
my mother with my wife.
210
00:08:52,987 --> 00:08:55,905
Oh, see, you lose me at good
feelings toward my mother.
211
00:08:55,907 --> 00:08:58,825
Uh, I would like
a jumbo hot dog,
212
00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:01,194
an extra large nachos
and a super slushee.
213
00:09:01,196 --> 00:09:02,528
Um... you want anything?
214
00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:03,574
No, I'm good.
215
00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:05,115
Oh, come on, you
treated me to the movie,
216
00:09:05,116 --> 00:09:06,649
let me treat you
to a snack.
217
00:09:06,651 --> 00:09:09,118
Give my friend
a small popcorn.
218
00:09:13,424 --> 00:09:14,507
Oh, God!
219
00:09:14,509 --> 00:09:15,825
What?
220
00:09:15,827 --> 00:09:17,493
It's my wife.
221
00:09:17,495 --> 00:09:19,379
Oh... Wow!
222
00:09:19,381 --> 00:09:23,165
That is one handsome
man she's with.
223
00:09:24,268 --> 00:09:25,551
You think?
224
00:09:25,553 --> 00:09:27,353
Oh, yeah.
He's gorgeous.
225
00:09:28,839 --> 00:09:30,223
He's better looking
than me?
226
00:09:30,225 --> 00:09:32,108
Well, it's apples
and oranges.
227
00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:35,027
I mean, you're prettier,
but he's more...
228
00:09:36,697 --> 00:09:38,614
What do I do here?
229
00:09:38,616 --> 00:09:40,578
Well, the adult thing
would be to say hello
230
00:09:40,603 --> 00:09:42,735
and meet her new fella,
but I'm a big believer in
231
00:09:42,736 --> 00:09:44,868
yelling fire and escaping
in the confusion.
232
00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:48,491
No, no. I'm going
to be a grownup.
233
00:09:48,493 --> 00:09:49,792
Bridget!
234
00:09:49,794 --> 00:09:51,744
Hiya! Over here!
235
00:09:54,164 --> 00:09:55,298
Oh, Lord.
236
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:57,700
The closer he gets,
the better he looks.
237
00:09:57,702 --> 00:10:00,920
Uh, Walden, this is Alex.
Alex, Walden.
238
00:10:00,922 --> 00:10:02,505
Heard a lot about you.
239
00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:05,892
Yeah? Did you hear
about my giant penis?
240
00:10:09,681 --> 00:10:11,547
I smell smoke. Does anybody
else smell smoke?
241
00:10:11,549 --> 00:10:13,215
Hey, Alan, Hi.
242
00:10:13,217 --> 00:10:14,434
Hey.
243
00:10:14,436 --> 00:10:16,552
Alan lives with Walden.
244
00:10:16,554 --> 00:10:19,939
So, Alex...
245
00:10:19,941 --> 00:10:22,224
What do you do?
246
00:10:22,226 --> 00:10:24,360
I'm a cosmetic surgeon.
247
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:28,998
Really? Beverly Hills,
Botox, boobies?
248
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,536
More like Mogadishu,
cleft palates and burn victims.
249
00:10:33,538 --> 00:10:37,507
He travels around the world
helping children in war zones.
250
00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:39,792
Oh.
251
00:10:41,411 --> 00:10:43,129
What are you guys,
like, on a date?
252
00:10:43,131 --> 00:10:46,132
Walden, you knew eventually
I'd start seeing other people.
253
00:10:46,134 --> 00:10:47,099
Nuh-uh.
254
00:10:47,101 --> 00:10:48,250
Whatever.
255
00:10:48,252 --> 00:10:49,886
Um, we should go.
256
00:10:49,888 --> 00:10:51,938
Nice to meet you.
257
00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:55,441
Really? What about
this was nice?
258
00:10:58,261 --> 00:11:01,364
You didn't tell me
he turned gay.
259
00:11:01,366 --> 00:11:05,067
He's gonna split
that little guy in half.
260
00:11:06,937 --> 00:11:09,655
What a loser.
261
00:11:09,657 --> 00:11:12,658
That'll be $47.28.
262
00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:14,544
Oh, oh, damn.
263
00:11:14,546 --> 00:11:16,612
I-I left my wallet in the car.
264
00:11:16,614 --> 00:11:17,830
Uh, do you mind?
265
00:11:17,832 --> 00:11:19,999
Oh, yeah, sure.
266
00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:22,885
Oh, and throw in
some Twizzlers.
267
00:11:22,887 --> 00:11:25,054
No, no, the big one.
268
00:11:29,918 --> 00:11:30,951
♪ Men. ♪
269
00:11:30,953 --> 00:11:32,336
I think you handled
that very well,
270
00:11:32,338 --> 00:11:33,838
seeing Bridget
with another guy.
271
00:11:34,539 --> 00:11:35,955
Another guy?
272
00:11:35,957 --> 00:11:38,457
She's dating Conan
the Humanitarian.
273
00:11:40,410 --> 00:11:42,161
Yeah, she kinda is.
274
00:11:42,163 --> 00:11:43,796
It's like evolution,
you know?
275
00:11:43,798 --> 00:11:48,667
He is to you as you are to me
as I am to a howler monkey.
276
00:11:48,669 --> 00:11:50,136
That doesn't make me
feel better.
277
00:11:50,138 --> 00:11:52,254
How do you think
it makes me feel?
278
00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:54,039
You think
she's sleeping with him?
279
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:55,141
You kidding?
280
00:11:55,143 --> 00:11:58,010
I'm surprised they
made it to the movies.
281
00:11:58,012 --> 00:12:00,045
Oh, God.
282
00:12:00,047 --> 00:12:02,681
Well, which raises
a certain question.
283
00:12:02,683 --> 00:12:07,386
Um, your wife clearly attracts
some extraordinary men.
284
00:12:07,388 --> 00:12:08,604
Of course she does.
285
00:12:08,606 --> 00:12:09,572
Look at her.
286
00:12:09,574 --> 00:12:12,108
I have.
287
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,327
Which brings me
to the question.
288
00:12:15,329 --> 00:12:19,582
Uh, does she have some
sort of special powers?
289
00:12:19,584 --> 00:12:21,567
You know, sexually?
290
00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:22,802
What do you mean?
291
00:12:22,804 --> 00:12:25,421
All right, I'll just come
straight out and say it.
292
00:12:25,423 --> 00:12:28,340
Does she have
a magic vagina?
293
00:12:28,342 --> 00:12:31,544
Like, can you pull
a rabbit out of it?
294
00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:34,430
Never mind.
295
00:12:34,432 --> 00:12:37,099
♪ Men. ♪
296
00:12:37,101 --> 00:12:38,884
In retrospect,
maybe that wasn't the best movie
297
00:12:38,886 --> 00:12:40,136
to see under the
circumstances.
298
00:12:40,138 --> 00:12:41,687
Are you kidding me?
It was perfect.
299
00:12:41,689 --> 00:12:44,557
Boy meets girl,
boy loses girl to a better guy,
300
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,592
boy kills himself.
301
00:12:46,594 --> 00:12:48,644
Still, you got to
love Sandra Bullock.
302
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:50,813
- Here, take my keys.
- Why?
303
00:12:50,815 --> 00:12:53,149
'Cause I'm going to get
dirty, stinking drunk.
304
00:12:53,151 --> 00:12:54,200
Appletini.
305
00:12:54,202 --> 00:12:56,768
Twice.
306
00:12:56,770 --> 00:12:58,954
Two beers.
307
00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,708
Whoa.
308
00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:03,909
Check it out.
309
00:13:03,911 --> 00:13:06,462
What?
310
00:13:08,114 --> 00:13:10,299
Who's that remind you of?
311
00:13:11,751 --> 00:13:14,286
Harry Potter?
312
00:13:14,288 --> 00:13:16,889
Bridget.
313
00:13:18,225 --> 00:13:19,675
Maybe a little. So?
314
00:13:19,677 --> 00:13:20,792
So it's a sign.
315
00:13:20,794 --> 00:13:21,793
Of what?
316
00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:23,095
I don't know.
317
00:13:23,097 --> 00:13:24,563
But I'm going to find out.
318
00:13:24,565 --> 00:13:26,815
Hi, I'm Walden.
319
00:13:26,817 --> 00:13:28,484
Danny.
320
00:13:28,486 --> 00:13:30,569
Danny?
321
00:13:30,571 --> 00:13:32,238
Short for Danielle.
322
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,273
My father wanted a girl.
323
00:13:34,275 --> 00:13:36,525
It's nice
to meet you, Danny.
324
00:13:36,527 --> 00:13:38,077
Let me save you some trouble.
325
00:13:38,079 --> 00:13:39,778
I'm here with somebody.
326
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:41,497
Oh, yeah, of course.
327
00:13:41,499 --> 00:13:43,532
A beautiful girl like you.
328
00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:45,317
Bathroom's disgusting.
329
00:13:45,319 --> 00:13:47,986
I had to do the
squat and hover.
330
00:13:47,988 --> 00:13:50,673
At least you're not
peeing in a trough
331
00:13:50,675 --> 00:13:52,491
with looky-loos on either side.
332
00:13:52,493 --> 00:13:53,926
I'm Alan.
333
00:13:53,928 --> 00:13:55,261
Kiki.
334
00:13:55,263 --> 00:13:56,545
Oh, Kiki.
335
00:13:56,547 --> 00:13:57,596
Short for...
336
00:13:57,598 --> 00:14:00,516
K-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki.
337
00:14:00,518 --> 00:14:04,386
Obviously, I'm gonna have
to spell it out for you guys.
338
00:14:06,172 --> 00:14:08,224
Oh. Yeah, that certainly
clears things up.
339
00:14:08,226 --> 00:14:11,443
What, you thought
we were hitting on you?
340
00:14:11,445 --> 00:14:14,680
Maybe I have to
spell it out for you.
341
00:14:18,702 --> 00:14:19,868
See?
342
00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:21,403
My apologies.
343
00:14:21,405 --> 00:14:24,573
I should've known by
looking at... him.
344
00:14:26,209 --> 00:14:27,626
Uh, what was
that about?
345
00:14:27,628 --> 00:14:28,794
Just work with me.
346
00:14:28,796 --> 00:14:30,462
Still want to buy
our drinks?
347
00:14:30,464 --> 00:14:31,497
Uh, sure.
348
00:14:31,499 --> 00:14:32,498
Cheers.
349
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,749
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
350
00:14:33,751 --> 00:14:36,502
We're here, we're
queer, get used to it.
351
00:14:36,504 --> 00:14:39,221
♪ Men. ♪
352
00:14:41,875 --> 00:14:44,093
Oh, man, check this out.
353
00:14:44,095 --> 00:14:46,729
Did you buy it together?
354
00:14:46,731 --> 00:14:47,879
Oh, I wish.
355
00:14:47,881 --> 00:14:49,548
Mr. Moneybags bought it.
356
00:14:49,550 --> 00:14:51,600
I just make it a home.
357
00:14:52,852 --> 00:14:55,187
Come on, Alan, let's go
get our guests a cocktail.
358
00:14:55,189 --> 00:14:56,822
No offense.
359
00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:03,662
Oh, cocktail.
360
00:15:04,731 --> 00:15:06,532
All right,
what's the plan?
361
00:15:06,534 --> 00:15:07,783
We gonna try
and get them blind drunk
362
00:15:07,785 --> 00:15:09,118
and then flip them over
to our team?
363
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,085
What? No.
364
00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:11,253
Don't worry, I'll take Danny.
365
00:15:11,255 --> 00:15:12,504
You can have the hot one.
366
00:15:12,506 --> 00:15:15,174
Well, first of all,
Danny is the hot one.
367
00:15:17,377 --> 00:15:19,461
And second of all,
I'm not trying to flip anybody.
368
00:15:19,463 --> 00:15:21,180
So what was kissing me about?
369
00:15:21,182 --> 00:15:22,548
I like her.
370
00:15:22,550 --> 00:15:24,383
And I want her
to feel comfortable
371
00:15:24,385 --> 00:15:25,634
being around us.
372
00:15:25,636 --> 00:15:27,353
So you used me.
373
00:15:29,239 --> 00:15:30,589
Oh, come on, Alan.
374
00:15:30,591 --> 00:15:31,724
She reminds me of Bridget.
375
00:15:31,726 --> 00:15:32,858
Just help me out here.
376
00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:34,193
Fine.
377
00:15:34,195 --> 00:15:37,112
Oh, and I'm sorry
about kissing you.
378
00:15:37,114 --> 00:15:38,280
No, it's all right.
379
00:15:38,282 --> 00:15:39,732
If a man's gonna kiss me,
380
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,784
I prefer he looks like
the Son of God.
381
00:15:41,786 --> 00:15:43,652
Thank you.
382
00:15:44,704 --> 00:15:47,873
Now, are we
gonna do this?
383
00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:50,042
I can't quit you.
384
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,447
♪ Men. ♪
385
00:15:55,449 --> 00:15:57,616
So when did you
realize you were gay?
386
00:15:57,618 --> 00:16:01,053
Oh, boy, that's a toughie.
387
00:16:01,055 --> 00:16:04,423
Uh... I guess my first hint
388
00:16:04,425 --> 00:16:07,343
was when I was, like,
five or six years old.
389
00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:10,012
I used to make my G.I. Joe dolls
390
00:16:10,014 --> 00:16:12,314
touch each other
inappropriately.
391
00:16:12,316 --> 00:16:14,933
I used the horn
from my toy unicorn
392
00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:17,653
to make a strap-on
for my Barbie.
393
00:16:17,655 --> 00:16:21,407
Mom was not happy.
394
00:16:21,409 --> 00:16:23,325
So when did
you come out?
395
00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:25,194
It was later.
396
00:16:25,196 --> 00:16:27,329
Uh, I was actually married.
397
00:16:27,331 --> 00:16:29,581
Ooh, I bet that
didn't end well.
398
00:16:29,583 --> 00:16:31,750
No.
399
00:16:31,752 --> 00:16:33,952
But I still love her.
400
00:16:33,954 --> 00:16:38,757
Even though, you know,
I'm playing for Team Penis now.
401
00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:40,659
I am.
402
00:16:40,661 --> 00:16:44,880
So, girlfriend,
scale of one to ten,
403
00:16:44,882 --> 00:16:47,433
exactly how
gay are you?
404
00:16:47,435 --> 00:16:49,835
I don't understand.
405
00:16:49,837 --> 00:16:52,671
Well, you know, one being
"love the one you're with""
406
00:16:52,673 --> 00:16:55,841
and ten being "touch me with
that thing and I'll cut it off""
407
00:16:55,843 --> 00:16:58,143
Oh.
408
00:16:58,145 --> 00:17:00,813
I still don't understand.
409
00:17:00,815 --> 00:17:03,065
Are you exclusively
with girls?
410
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,567
Oh, no.
I like guys, too, sometimes.
411
00:17:05,569 --> 00:17:06,652
Oh.
412
00:17:06,654 --> 00:17:07,653
What a coincidence.
413
00:17:07,655 --> 00:17:09,655
I happen to swing
both ways as well.
414
00:17:09,657 --> 00:17:10,789
Really?
415
00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:12,708
You don't look like it.
416
00:17:14,961 --> 00:17:18,213
So how'd your wife react
when you told her you were gay?
417
00:17:18,215 --> 00:17:20,749
She was very
understanding.
418
00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:21,667
Very supportive.
419
00:17:21,669 --> 00:17:22,668
That's nice.
420
00:17:22,670 --> 00:17:24,503
Did I tell you we were
421
00:17:24,505 --> 00:17:25,637
high school sweethearts?
422
00:17:25,639 --> 00:17:27,756
Couple of times.
423
00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:31,844
She was the love
of my life.
424
00:17:31,846 --> 00:17:33,228
What about Alan?
425
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:35,013
Oh.
426
00:17:35,015 --> 00:17:39,234
Yeah, you know,
I-I... love him.
427
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,107
Ah, God, I can't
do this anymore.
428
00:17:45,109 --> 00:17:46,558
I'm on Team Vagina.
429
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,776
What?
430
00:17:47,778 --> 00:17:50,913
I miss my wife, and I
wanted to hang out with you
431
00:17:50,915 --> 00:17:52,664
because you
remind me of her.
432
00:17:52,666 --> 00:17:55,167
Really?
433
00:17:55,169 --> 00:17:57,035
I'm sorry I lied to you.
434
00:18:01,758 --> 00:18:04,910
It's okay.
435
00:18:04,912 --> 00:18:08,347
Come here, you poor baby.
436
00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:11,683
Don't even think
about it, slick.
437
00:18:11,685 --> 00:18:14,436
Sorry. I'm sorry.
438
00:18:14,438 --> 00:18:19,007
So, if you're not gay,
what's the deal with Alan?
439
00:18:19,009 --> 00:18:21,059
I'm not sure.
440
00:18:21,061 --> 00:18:22,528
He claims to
be straight,
441
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:25,731
but his lips opened a
little when I kissed him.
442
00:18:27,066 --> 00:18:29,952
Look at me, I'm
kissing a girl.
443
00:18:29,954 --> 00:18:31,119
You're kissing
my girl!
444
00:18:31,121 --> 00:18:32,454
Oh!
445
00:18:32,456 --> 00:18:34,289
Oh, yeah, yuck.
446
00:18:34,291 --> 00:18:35,407
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
447
00:18:35,409 --> 00:18:36,425
Whoa, whoa.
448
00:18:36,427 --> 00:18:37,626
All right, calm down.
449
00:18:37,628 --> 00:18:39,411
You can tell him
he can stop acting gay.
450
00:18:39,413 --> 00:18:40,412
I'm not acting!
451
00:18:40,414 --> 00:18:42,297
You really hit me hard.
452
00:18:42,299 --> 00:18:44,132
I'm sorry. Let me see.
453
00:18:45,302 --> 00:18:46,451
Okay, that was
uncalled for.
454
00:18:46,453 --> 00:18:48,303
How could you?!
I'm sorry.
455
00:18:48,305 --> 00:18:50,923
Don't blame her. I mean,
it was really...
456
00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:53,008
Come on.
457
00:18:53,010 --> 00:18:54,226
Bye, Walden.
458
00:18:54,228 --> 00:18:56,178
Bye, Danny.
Bye, Kiki.
459
00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:57,930
You have a really
lovely home.
460
00:19:00,016 --> 00:19:02,851
Are you okay?
461
00:19:02,853 --> 00:19:05,854
Well, I think she broke my nose,
462
00:19:05,856 --> 00:19:09,358
but I almost turned
a lesbian, so...
463
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,743
I'm gonna count it as a win.
464
00:19:11,745 --> 00:19:12,995
Attaboy.
465
00:19:12,997 --> 00:19:15,247
♪ Men. ♪
466
00:19:18,267 --> 00:19:19,644
♪ Men. ♪
467
00:19:23,808 --> 00:19:26,726
This was a nice idea.
468
00:19:26,728 --> 00:19:28,795
I'm just trying
to cheer you up.
469
00:19:28,797 --> 00:19:32,265
After all, you did get
your ass kicked by a girl.
470
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:35,635
Well, jury's out
that it was a "girl."
471
00:19:35,637 --> 00:19:39,989
Uh, Walden, I-I've got
a confession to make.
472
00:19:39,991 --> 00:19:43,693
Listen, I know you didn't
really forget your wallet.
473
00:19:43,695 --> 00:19:45,578
Oh.
474
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:48,915
Okay, then I guess I have
two confessions to make.
475
00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:53,119
Um, the other one is that
I-I've been a very selfish man.
476
00:19:53,121 --> 00:19:54,454
How so?
477
00:19:54,456 --> 00:19:56,623
Well, when you told me you
wanted to move to New York,
478
00:19:56,625 --> 00:19:57,924
the only thing I
could think about
479
00:19:57,926 --> 00:19:59,342
was me losing a
great place to live.
480
00:19:59,344 --> 00:20:01,994
I was totally oblivious
to your feelings.
481
00:20:01,996 --> 00:20:03,680
Don't worry about it.
482
00:20:03,682 --> 00:20:05,331
No, no, no, I
need to say this.
483
00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:08,184
You know, you're a great guy
and you deserve to be happy.
484
00:20:08,186 --> 00:20:11,855
And if you have to
move, I'd understand.
485
00:20:11,857 --> 00:20:14,674
But, uh, I want
you to know
486
00:20:14,676 --> 00:20:17,477
I-I'd really,
really miss you.
487
00:20:17,479 --> 00:20:21,364
I'd miss you, too.
488
00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:23,032
But I'm not going anywhere.
489
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,684
Oh, you're not?
490
00:20:24,686 --> 00:20:27,036
Nah, the shrink's right.
491
00:20:27,038 --> 00:20:30,824
My problems are gonna
follow me wherever I go.
492
00:20:30,826 --> 00:20:34,577
Besides... how could I
leave my best friend?
493
00:20:36,832 --> 00:20:39,031
Aw...
494
00:20:44,338 --> 00:20:47,557
I'm the luckiest
guy in the world.
495
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,516
Told you.
496
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:55,541
== sync, corrected by elderman ==33729
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