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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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I don't want to get a divorce.
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00:00:03,932 --> 00:00:05,398
Why we got to get a divorce?
4
00:00:05,708 --> 00:00:06,907
Because I have grown up
5
00:00:06,909 --> 00:00:09,109
and you are still
the same guy you were at 19.
6
00:00:09,111 --> 00:00:10,160
No, that is not true.
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00:00:10,162 --> 00:00:11,512
I got a lot more money now.
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00:00:11,514 --> 00:00:13,781
Not about what you have;
it's about who you are.
9
00:00:13,783 --> 00:00:15,115
Oh.
10
00:00:15,117 --> 00:00:17,985
Well, I'm pretty much
the same guy.
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00:00:17,987 --> 00:00:19,152
Great news, Alan.
12
00:00:19,154 --> 00:00:22,122
Berta has agreed to be
my live-in housekeeper.
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00:00:22,124 --> 00:00:23,841
Yeah, he talked me into it.
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00:00:23,843 --> 00:00:26,493
I wonder what his sweattastes like.
15
00:00:27,168 --> 00:00:28,351
Time for me to go.
16
00:00:28,353 --> 00:00:29,819
Wait.
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00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,187
Come here.
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00:00:31,189 --> 00:00:32,672
Give us a hug good-bye.
19
00:00:33,691 --> 00:00:36,509
I'm taking your room, Zippy.
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00:00:36,511 --> 00:00:38,478
You saved my
butt back there.
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00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:39,445
I owe you big time.
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00:00:39,447 --> 00:00:40,680
If there is anything
that you need,
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00:00:40,682 --> 00:00:41,898
any way I can help you...
24
00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:44,951
Well, really uncomfortable
living at my mom's.
25
00:00:44,953 --> 00:00:47,487
Um, do you think I could
stay here for a few days
26
00:00:47,489 --> 00:00:48,854
till I find my own place?
27
00:00:48,856 --> 00:00:50,356
Yeah, no problem.
28
00:00:54,111 --> 00:00:56,329
I'm back.
29
00:00:56,331 --> 00:00:59,198
Hello, room.
30
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,301
Did you miss me?
31
00:01:01,303 --> 00:01:02,952
Whoa!
Whoa!
32
00:01:02,954 --> 00:01:04,971
What the hell are
you doing here?
33
00:01:04,973 --> 00:01:07,423
I live here. What the hell
are you doing here?
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00:01:07,425 --> 00:01:09,475
Um, see, Berta's got
my room now, so...
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- No.
- Yes.
36
00:01:10,712 --> 00:01:12,028
- No.
- It's just temporary.
37
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,097
I'm not sleeping with my dad.
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00:01:14,099 --> 00:01:15,932
What are we going to do,
sleep on the same bed?
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00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:17,817
No, I'll get the air
mattress out of the garage.
40
00:01:17,819 --> 00:01:19,051
- That you'll sleep on.
- No.
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00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:20,820
- Yes. Yes!
- No.
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00:01:27,394 --> 00:01:29,696
♪ Men. ♪
43
00:01:31,682 --> 00:01:33,032
Good morning.
44
00:01:33,034 --> 00:01:34,117
Morning.
45
00:01:34,119 --> 00:01:35,251
Where you been?
46
00:01:35,253 --> 00:01:36,953
Little power walk
on the beach.
47
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Got to tell you, Zip,
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00:01:38,757 --> 00:01:40,723
I can see why your
brother couldn't get you
49
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:43,009
out of this house with
the jaws of life.
50
00:01:43,877 --> 00:01:45,578
Malibu is the
greatest place
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00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:47,246
to wake up in
the morning.
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00:01:47,248 --> 00:01:49,599
I'm glad you're enjoying
my room.
53
00:01:50,384 --> 00:01:52,602
Alan, I say
this with love.
54
00:01:52,604 --> 00:01:54,554
It was never
your room.
55
00:01:55,806 --> 00:01:57,440
Morning.
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00:01:57,442 --> 00:01:59,925
Ah... did I miss
our power walk?
57
00:01:59,927 --> 00:02:01,361
I tried to cuddle you awake,
58
00:02:01,363 --> 00:02:03,029
but you weren't interested.
Oh.
59
00:02:04,948 --> 00:02:07,383
So, Alan, how's
the house hunting coming?
60
00:02:07,385 --> 00:02:09,619
Oh, still looking.
Uh, not a lot available.
61
00:02:09,621 --> 00:02:12,205
Maybe that's 'cause you're
looking in the sports section.
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00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:14,940
Well, don't worry.
63
00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:16,743
You can stay here as
long as you need to.
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00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:17,777
Aw!
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00:02:17,779 --> 00:02:19,612
Oh, just a... a few more days.
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00:02:19,614 --> 00:02:21,047
Maybe a week tops.
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00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:23,066
Aw.
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00:02:23,068 --> 00:02:25,802
Hey, uh, listen, Walden,
um, while I am here,
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00:02:25,804 --> 00:02:27,336
I was wondering
how you would feel
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00:02:27,338 --> 00:02:28,805
about me having
an overnight guest.
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00:02:28,807 --> 00:02:30,223
Aw.
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00:02:31,725 --> 00:02:33,726
I thought you
were the overnight guest.
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00:02:35,630 --> 00:02:38,314
Your wit is only exceeded
by your generosity.
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00:02:38,316 --> 00:02:40,099
Um, the thing is,
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00:02:40,101 --> 00:02:41,567
I'm having dinner tonight
with this woman
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00:02:41,569 --> 00:02:43,186
I used to be
in a relationship with.
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00:02:43,188 --> 00:02:45,488
And I don't know how things
are going to play out,
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00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:48,274
but if they go well,
I'd like to bring her back here
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00:02:48,276 --> 00:02:50,276
and, uh, you know...
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00:02:50,278 --> 00:02:52,245
reconcile.
81
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,614
Is she homeless, too?
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00:02:54,616 --> 00:02:57,166
Oh, oh, no, no, it-it's just
that she has a teenage son,
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00:02:57,168 --> 00:03:01,204
and I'm not really keen
on him hearing us, you know...
84
00:03:01,206 --> 00:03:03,172
reconcile.
85
00:03:03,174 --> 00:03:06,676
But it's okay
for me to hear you?
86
00:03:06,678 --> 00:03:08,628
Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet.
87
00:03:08,630 --> 00:03:10,012
And quick.
88
00:03:11,098 --> 00:03:13,599
It's true.
That's why she calls me Zippy.
89
00:03:13,601 --> 00:03:15,518
I guess it's okay.
90
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,504
I sure wish I could reconcile
with Bridget.
91
00:03:18,506 --> 00:03:20,773
Oh, give her some time.
92
00:03:20,775 --> 00:03:22,892
Took Lyndsey months
to forgive me.
93
00:03:22,894 --> 00:03:24,393
What'd she have
to forgive you for?
94
00:03:24,395 --> 00:03:27,179
Oh... I, uh...
I called her a slut
95
00:03:27,181 --> 00:03:30,149
because, uh, I thought she
was sleeping with my brother,
96
00:03:30,151 --> 00:03:32,852
uh, and I, uh... I accidentally
burned down her house.
97
00:03:33,737 --> 00:03:35,822
Well, not in that order.
98
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,940
Anyway, thanks so much.
99
00:03:39,126 --> 00:03:41,744
He is going to move out
at some point, right?
100
00:03:41,746 --> 00:03:44,213
You are so cute.
101
00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:49,051
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
102
00:03:49,053 --> 00:03:52,338
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
103
00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:56,225
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
104
00:03:56,227 --> 00:03:58,010
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
105
00:03:58,012 --> 00:04:00,546
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
106
00:04:00,548 --> 00:04:04,433
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
107
00:04:04,435 --> 00:04:05,802
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
108
00:04:05,827 --> 00:04:09,327
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x04 ♪
Nine Magic Fingers
Original Air Date on October 10, 2011
109
00:04:09,328 --> 00:04:11,928
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
110
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♪ Men ♪
111
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I was so sorry to hear
about your brother.
112
00:04:19,272 --> 00:04:20,839
Yeah, yeah, very sad.
113
00:04:20,841 --> 00:04:22,407
He fell in front of a train?
114
00:04:22,409 --> 00:04:25,327
Uh, fell, pushed, jumped.
115
00:04:25,329 --> 00:04:28,963
Whatever the verb, the end
result was Charlie tartare.
116
00:04:30,383 --> 00:04:31,800
That's horrible.
117
00:04:31,802 --> 00:04:33,134
Yeah.
118
00:04:33,136 --> 00:04:35,286
And we had to sell
the house in Malibu.
119
00:04:35,288 --> 00:04:36,304
So where are you living?
120
00:04:36,306 --> 00:04:37,806
The house in Malibu.
121
00:04:37,808 --> 00:04:39,341
Wait, what?
122
00:04:39,343 --> 00:04:40,592
Oh, it's actually
a funny story.
123
00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:41,893
Um, the fellow
who bought it
124
00:04:41,895 --> 00:04:43,311
is this incredibly
rich Internet guy
125
00:04:43,313 --> 00:04:44,796
who's going through
a bad divorce,
126
00:04:44,798 --> 00:04:46,314
and he's lonely,
he needs a friend,
127
00:04:46,316 --> 00:04:48,817
so he asked me to stick
around for a while.
128
00:04:50,653 --> 00:04:52,570
What's the funny part?
129
00:04:52,572 --> 00:04:55,023
He actually thinks I'm
going to leave someday.
130
00:04:56,141 --> 00:04:58,443
So, uh, how's things?
How's Eldridge?
131
00:04:58,445 --> 00:05:01,529
Let's not ruin the evening
by talking about our children.
132
00:05:01,531 --> 00:05:03,164
Agreed.
133
00:05:04,283 --> 00:05:06,334
I have missed you.
134
00:05:06,336 --> 00:05:07,619
I've missed you, too.
135
00:05:07,621 --> 00:05:09,987
Can you ever forgive me
for being such an idiot?
136
00:05:09,989 --> 00:05:11,122
Let's not ruin the evening
137
00:05:11,124 --> 00:05:13,007
by talking about what
an idiot you were.
138
00:05:13,009 --> 00:05:15,176
Good idea.
139
00:05:15,178 --> 00:05:18,513
You know, I haven't slept with
anybody since we broke up.
140
00:05:18,515 --> 00:05:20,131
How about you?
141
00:05:23,803 --> 00:05:25,053
You know what?
142
00:05:25,055 --> 00:05:27,672
Let's not ruin the evening
by talking.
143
00:05:28,891 --> 00:05:31,142
♪ Men. ♪
144
00:05:32,612 --> 00:05:34,696
I got it.
145
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,702
Hello, little girl.
146
00:05:41,654 --> 00:05:43,371
Hi, big daddy.
You got everything?
147
00:05:43,373 --> 00:05:44,906
Hell, yeah.
148
00:05:44,908 --> 00:05:47,542
Beer, bucket of drumsticks
149
00:05:47,544 --> 00:05:49,878
and nine magic fingers.
150
00:05:50,997 --> 00:05:53,214
Let's go.
151
00:05:53,216 --> 00:05:54,883
Uh, Berta?
152
00:05:55,868 --> 00:05:56,885
What's going on?
153
00:05:56,887 --> 00:05:57,919
What's it look like?
154
00:05:57,921 --> 00:05:59,754
I'm going to get drunk,
eat some chicken
155
00:05:59,756 --> 00:06:01,473
and rock this
old man's world.
156
00:06:06,262 --> 00:06:08,546
I got ten fingers
and a billion dollars,
157
00:06:08,548 --> 00:06:11,599
and this guy's getting
more action than me.
158
00:06:17,857 --> 00:06:19,524
What now, Walden?
159
00:06:19,526 --> 00:06:22,026
Nothing.
I just wanted to say hi.
160
00:06:22,028 --> 00:06:24,245
Sweetheart, listen to me.
161
00:06:24,247 --> 00:06:25,313
We're getting divorced.
162
00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:27,382
You need to get some friends,
get a life.
163
00:06:27,384 --> 00:06:29,451
I don't want friends.
I don't want a life.
164
00:06:29,453 --> 00:06:31,019
I just want you.
165
00:06:31,021 --> 00:06:32,787
What... what are you
doing anyway?
166
00:06:32,789 --> 00:06:35,056
Why... why are those people
wearing masks?
167
00:06:35,058 --> 00:06:39,461
I'm at a charity event
for people without faces.
168
00:06:40,296 --> 00:06:42,130
Are you at an orgy?
169
00:06:42,132 --> 00:06:43,465
An orgy?
170
00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:44,449
Don't be ridiculous.
171
00:06:44,451 --> 00:06:46,217
What kind of charity
has an orgy?
172
00:06:46,219 --> 00:06:48,720
Bye.
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00:06:49,889 --> 00:06:51,756
You know, a real gentleman
174
00:06:51,758 --> 00:06:54,809
would've taken his poop
before he came over.
175
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,121
Hello!
176
00:07:08,290 --> 00:07:10,458
Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
know you were still up.
177
00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:12,961
You must be Walden.
I'm Lyndsey.
178
00:07:12,963 --> 00:07:14,746
Oh. Hi.
179
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:16,214
Okay, uh,
everybody's met.
180
00:07:16,216 --> 00:07:17,999
Time to hit
the old sackaroo.
181
00:07:18,001 --> 00:07:20,451
Don't be rude, Alan.
182
00:07:20,453 --> 00:07:23,555
So, I understand you're going
through a tough divorce.
183
00:07:23,557 --> 00:07:25,139
Yeah, it's tough for me.
184
00:07:25,141 --> 00:07:28,510
She's breezing through it
with naked, faceless people.
185
00:07:28,512 --> 00:07:31,229
Have you guys tried to work
things out, go to therapy?
186
00:07:31,231 --> 00:07:32,914
I offered.
She's not interested.
187
00:07:32,916 --> 00:07:34,516
Well, that's all you
can do-- make the offer.
188
00:07:34,518 --> 00:07:36,017
Lyndsey?
189
00:07:36,019 --> 00:07:37,802
Hang on.
190
00:07:37,804 --> 00:07:39,737
So what, you're
just sitting around
191
00:07:39,739 --> 00:07:41,656
feeling sorry
for yourself?
192
00:07:41,658 --> 00:07:43,441
No. Sometimes I lay down.
193
00:07:43,443 --> 00:07:45,810
Sometimes I curl up in a ball.
194
00:07:45,812 --> 00:07:47,979
See, he's fine.
195
00:07:48,998 --> 00:07:50,949
Listen to me.
196
00:07:50,951 --> 00:07:52,834
We just met,
we don't know each other,
197
00:07:52,836 --> 00:07:55,152
but you obviously have a lot
going for you.
198
00:07:55,154 --> 00:07:56,871
You're tall,
good-looking,
199
00:07:56,873 --> 00:07:58,256
very successful.
200
00:07:58,258 --> 00:08:00,992
Believe me,
women settle for a lot less.
201
00:08:00,994 --> 00:08:02,844
And thank God for that.
202
00:08:03,929 --> 00:08:06,297
You need to get out there
and find somebody
203
00:08:06,299 --> 00:08:08,499
who appreciates
all that you have to offer.
204
00:08:08,501 --> 00:08:10,167
I don't want anybody else.
205
00:08:10,169 --> 00:08:12,837
That's just because you haven't
found that special someone.
206
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:16,190
Believe me, somewhere out there
is the perfect girl for you.
207
00:08:16,192 --> 00:08:17,775
Who knows?
208
00:08:17,777 --> 00:08:20,728
She could be sitting
right in front of you.
209
00:08:22,331 --> 00:08:24,148
Gee, I'd like to believe that.
210
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:25,516
So would I.
211
00:08:26,852 --> 00:08:28,903
You know... you know,
Lyndsey's right.
212
00:08:28,905 --> 00:08:30,822
You need to go out
and find Ms. Right.
213
00:08:30,824 --> 00:08:33,408
I mean, in fact, you should
get started immediately.
214
00:08:33,410 --> 00:08:34,576
Now?
215
00:08:34,578 --> 00:08:37,194
No, I was just gonna
curl up in a ball.
216
00:08:37,196 --> 00:08:40,164
Oh, come on. There's a great,
big, wide world out there
217
00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:42,500
full of beautiful,
exciting, sexy people.
218
00:08:42,502 --> 00:08:44,419
Where am I going to find them,
a bar?
219
00:08:44,421 --> 00:08:45,837
I am not going to a bar.
220
00:08:45,839 --> 00:08:46,871
Hey, if you're
looking for honey,
221
00:08:46,873 --> 00:08:48,205
you got to go
where the bees are.
222
00:08:49,208 --> 00:08:50,541
Forget it.
223
00:08:50,543 --> 00:08:52,560
I am not going to a bar.
224
00:08:52,562 --> 00:08:53,928
Hey, slick.
225
00:08:56,015 --> 00:08:58,016
Where do you keep the plunger?
226
00:09:00,336 --> 00:09:02,103
I am going to a bar.
227
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:09,861
♪ Men. ♪
228
00:09:11,397 --> 00:09:12,780
Whoa.
229
00:09:12,782 --> 00:09:15,033
Hi-ho, Silver.
230
00:09:15,035 --> 00:09:16,901
I didn't hurt you,
did I?
231
00:09:16,903 --> 00:09:20,088
A little, but I only
need the one ball.
232
00:09:23,676 --> 00:09:26,794
Boy, you really seemed
like a different woman.
233
00:09:26,796 --> 00:09:29,097
Well, you seemed
like a different man.
234
00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:31,849
Hey, Alan?
235
00:09:31,851 --> 00:09:33,968
Speak of the devil.
236
00:09:33,970 --> 00:09:36,304
Hey. Am I interrupting?
237
00:09:36,306 --> 00:09:38,473
No. Come in.
238
00:09:39,558 --> 00:09:41,976
I just wanted to tell you
that I found her.
239
00:09:41,978 --> 00:09:43,394
Found who?
240
00:09:43,396 --> 00:09:45,096
Ms. Right.
241
00:09:45,098 --> 00:09:46,698
Really?
242
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:50,267
At a bar at... 12:30
on a Wednesday night?
243
00:09:51,403 --> 00:09:53,988
Is she on a leash?
244
00:09:54,823 --> 00:09:56,457
Woof.
245
00:09:58,276 --> 00:10:00,745
♪ Men. ♪
246
00:10:03,573 --> 00:10:05,029
♪ Men. ♪
247
00:10:11,788 --> 00:10:14,168
Isn't that the girl
who almost married your brother?
248
00:10:14,169 --> 00:10:15,535
Yep.
249
00:10:15,537 --> 00:10:17,086
Didn't she go to jail
250
00:10:17,088 --> 00:10:19,005
for being some kind
of con artist?
251
00:10:19,007 --> 00:10:20,106
Yep.
252
00:10:20,108 --> 00:10:21,507
Doesn't it strike you
253
00:10:21,509 --> 00:10:22,875
as an amazing coincidence
254
00:10:22,877 --> 00:10:24,677
that she just ran
into Walden?
255
00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:26,579
Nope.
256
00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:28,681
You have to warn him
before he gets in too deep.
257
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,220
Sounds like he's
already in too deep.
258
00:10:38,225 --> 00:10:40,026
Who's my hungry boy?
259
00:10:40,028 --> 00:10:42,278
Me.
260
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,563
Who's my naughty boy?
261
00:10:44,565 --> 00:10:46,916
Me.
262
00:10:46,918 --> 00:10:49,602
Who's going to get their bottom
spanked after breakfast?
263
00:10:49,604 --> 00:10:50,753
You.
264
00:10:52,624 --> 00:10:55,375
You are so smart.
265
00:10:55,377 --> 00:10:56,709
Open.
266
00:10:59,163 --> 00:11:01,547
Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.
267
00:11:01,549 --> 00:11:03,599
No, wait, Alan,
come back.
268
00:11:03,601 --> 00:11:05,017
We're just having
breakfast.
269
00:11:05,019 --> 00:11:07,720
Scrambled eggs and tongue.
Nice.
270
00:11:07,722 --> 00:11:09,856
Hey, Alan, I want
to thank you.
271
00:11:09,858 --> 00:11:11,858
If you hadn't made me
go out last night,
272
00:11:11,860 --> 00:11:13,426
I would have never
met Courtney.
273
00:11:13,428 --> 00:11:15,862
You're welcome, but I have
a feeling one way or another
274
00:11:15,864 --> 00:11:17,613
she would have found you.
275
00:11:20,401 --> 00:11:22,452
Oh, wait, hey, you know
what would be fun?
276
00:11:22,454 --> 00:11:25,571
Whatever it is, I'll do it.
277
00:11:25,573 --> 00:11:26,989
You are something else.
278
00:11:29,609 --> 00:11:32,829
No, Walden, what
would be fun?
279
00:11:32,831 --> 00:11:34,163
Oh, right.
280
00:11:34,165 --> 00:11:36,416
What I was gonna say is,
why don't you and Lyndsey
281
00:11:36,418 --> 00:11:38,284
and me and Courtney
all go out for dinner?
282
00:11:38,286 --> 00:11:40,169
Oh, gee, I'd have
to check with Lyndsey.
283
00:11:40,171 --> 00:11:41,921
Oh, come on, man, like
a big fancy dinner.
284
00:11:41,923 --> 00:11:43,122
It's sort of short notice.
285
00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:46,142
My treat.
We'll be there.
286
00:11:46,144 --> 00:11:48,461
Alan, do you want to watch
me and Walden having sex?
287
00:11:48,463 --> 00:11:49,979
No, not particularly.
288
00:11:49,981 --> 00:11:52,298
Then you'd better
get out quick.
289
00:11:55,219 --> 00:11:58,020
Hot diggity,
that feels good!
290
00:12:02,192 --> 00:12:07,697
I can't believe she's using
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
291
00:12:07,699 --> 00:12:09,782
♪ Men. ♪
292
00:12:10,584 --> 00:12:12,201
Hello? Dad?
293
00:12:15,322 --> 00:12:17,156
Oh, yay.
294
00:12:17,958 --> 00:12:20,009
Hey, Courtney.
295
00:12:20,011 --> 00:12:22,295
Jake, it's so good to see you.
296
00:12:22,297 --> 00:12:23,379
You, too.
297
00:12:23,381 --> 00:12:24,630
Oh, you've grown.
298
00:12:24,632 --> 00:12:26,832
No, that's just my cell phone.
299
00:12:28,001 --> 00:12:30,336
Jake, what
are you doing here?
300
00:12:30,338 --> 00:12:32,021
I just, uh...
301
00:12:33,690 --> 00:12:35,358
came by to...
302
00:12:37,177 --> 00:12:39,045
What?
303
00:12:40,564 --> 00:12:42,732
Look, could you do me a favor
and give us some privacy?
304
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,850
Yeah, sure.
Can I have a good-bye hug?
305
00:12:44,852 --> 00:12:46,569
Jake, go.
306
00:12:46,571 --> 00:12:48,488
Way to block me, Dad.
307
00:12:49,907 --> 00:12:52,992
So, Courtney.
308
00:12:52,994 --> 00:12:54,794
So, Alan.
309
00:12:54,796 --> 00:12:56,245
Where's Walden?
310
00:12:56,247 --> 00:12:57,880
He's upstairs taking a nap.
311
00:12:57,882 --> 00:12:59,081
Recharge the batteries?
312
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:00,716
The batteries are fine.
313
00:13:00,718 --> 00:13:03,369
It's the flashlight
that needs a rest.
314
00:13:03,371 --> 00:13:05,338
What can I do for you?
315
00:13:05,340 --> 00:13:08,341
I want you to leave
Walden alone.
316
00:13:08,343 --> 00:13:10,259
He's not ready
for someone like you.
317
00:13:10,261 --> 00:13:12,228
Someone like me?
318
00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:14,597
What ever do you mean?
319
00:13:14,599 --> 00:13:16,732
Someone who's creating
a lifestyle
320
00:13:16,734 --> 00:13:17,817
from finding wealthy men
321
00:13:17,819 --> 00:13:19,902
and sponging off them
as much as they can.
322
00:13:19,904 --> 00:13:23,523
Gee, Alan, that sounds
a lot like you.
323
00:13:23,525 --> 00:13:26,025
What ever do you mean?
324
00:13:26,027 --> 00:13:27,560
Eight years living
off your brother,
325
00:13:27,562 --> 00:13:28,727
sleeping on
his fold-out couch.
326
00:13:28,729 --> 00:13:31,247
Oh, leave it to you to
spin it so I look bad.
327
00:13:31,249 --> 00:13:33,165
See you at dinner, Alan.
328
00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:38,170
Oh, I will see you at dinner
all right, young lady.
329
00:13:42,876 --> 00:13:45,378
♪ Men. ♪
330
00:13:46,746 --> 00:13:48,798
Ugh, gristle.
331
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,051
Aw, here honey, let me cut
that fat away for you.
332
00:13:52,053 --> 00:13:53,986
Thank you.
333
00:13:54,805 --> 00:13:58,608
Bit of a fatty
piece here myself.
334
00:13:58,610 --> 00:14:01,444
Yeah, so?
335
00:14:02,729 --> 00:14:04,230
Oh, you got a little schmutz.
336
00:14:04,232 --> 00:14:06,532
Thank you.
337
00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:09,768
So, looks like you two guys
hit it off pretty quick.
338
00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:11,370
What's the point
of going slow?
339
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:12,738
When it's right,
it's right.
340
00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:14,574
- And it is right, right?
- Right.
341
00:14:14,576 --> 00:14:18,044
Hey, I finished my beans.
Can I have dessert?
342
00:14:18,046 --> 00:14:19,745
I am dessert.
343
00:14:19,747 --> 00:14:21,213
Thank you.
344
00:14:22,249 --> 00:14:23,949
Hey.
345
00:14:23,951 --> 00:14:25,451
- Hmm?
- You know what would be cool?
346
00:14:25,453 --> 00:14:27,503
What?
Move in with me.
347
00:14:28,288 --> 00:14:31,257
Whoa, slow down, Walden.
348
00:14:31,259 --> 00:14:34,176
Yeah, slow down, Walden.
You just met her last night.
349
00:14:34,178 --> 00:14:36,796
Yeah, but I want to be
with her all the time.
350
00:14:36,798 --> 00:14:40,683
Oh, baby, that is so sweet,
but is there even room for me?
351
00:14:40,685 --> 00:14:43,819
What about Alan?
352
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:46,439
Yeah, what about Alan?
353
00:14:46,441 --> 00:14:48,608
But he's moving
out, right?
354
00:14:48,610 --> 00:14:51,494
Right.
355
00:14:51,496 --> 00:14:53,362
I don't know. I'm not
really the kind of girl
356
00:14:53,364 --> 00:14:55,414
who just moves in with
a guy after one night.
357
00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:56,815
Please.
358
00:14:56,817 --> 00:14:58,167
Okay.
359
00:15:01,821 --> 00:15:05,824
Well, I guess I need to
find a new place to live.
360
00:15:05,826 --> 00:15:08,494
Yeah, good luck with that.
361
00:15:11,331 --> 00:15:13,766
♪ Men. ♪
362
00:15:14,618 --> 00:15:16,018
Morning, Alan.
363
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,020
Morning.
364
00:15:18,022 --> 00:15:19,288
Where's your little girlfriend?
365
00:15:19,290 --> 00:15:21,390
She couldn't sleep,
so she went home.
366
00:15:21,392 --> 00:15:22,725
What was the problem?
367
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:24,560
I think it was hearing the third
368
00:15:24,562 --> 00:15:27,396
"Hot diggity, that feels good!"
369
00:15:27,398 --> 00:15:31,117
Oh, yeah, number three
was a well-timed ice cube.
370
00:15:36,189 --> 00:15:39,241
You think you've beaten me,
don't you?
371
00:15:39,243 --> 00:15:40,876
Alan, it was never a contest.
372
00:15:40,878 --> 00:15:44,046
Of the two of us,
only I can bring the "diggity."
373
00:15:45,717 --> 00:15:49,034
Don't be so sure of yourself.
374
00:15:49,036 --> 00:15:50,803
I may have a final card to play.
375
00:15:50,805 --> 00:15:52,922
Well, unless that card
is a vagina in your pocket,
376
00:15:52,924 --> 00:15:54,640
I'm not particularly
worried.
377
00:16:00,380 --> 00:16:02,198
Oh, thanks for
coming, Bridget.
378
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,833
Well, you said Walden
was in trouble.
379
00:16:03,835 --> 00:16:07,386
Hi, I'm the trouble
Walden's been in. Repeatedly.
380
00:16:07,388 --> 00:16:10,723
Uh, Courtney, this is
Walden's wife Bridget.
381
00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:14,076
Bridget, this is the "lad""
I was telling you about.
382
00:16:14,078 --> 00:16:16,228
Bridget?
383
00:16:16,230 --> 00:16:18,781
What are you doing here?
384
00:16:18,783 --> 00:16:20,616
Well, Alan called
and told me
385
00:16:20,618 --> 00:16:22,284
that you were doing
something stupid.
386
00:16:22,286 --> 00:16:24,587
And I just met her.
387
00:16:24,589 --> 00:16:27,039
She's just sorry
388
00:16:27,041 --> 00:16:28,708
she threw you out,
but it's too late now,
389
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:31,293
- isn't it, baby?
- Really?
390
00:16:31,295 --> 00:16:32,595
You're sorry
you threw me out?
391
00:16:32,597 --> 00:16:34,714
Who cares?
Come upstairs.
392
00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:36,932
Walden, just because
I can't live with you anymore,
393
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:38,751
doesn't mean that I want you
394
00:16:38,753 --> 00:16:41,637
to be taken to the cleaners
by Botox Barbie here.
395
00:16:41,639 --> 00:16:44,940
Don't listen to her.
Come upstairs.
396
00:16:44,942 --> 00:16:48,027
Walden, if you go with her,
I will never talk to you again.
397
00:16:48,029 --> 00:16:50,863
Why don't both you broads
hold out a treat and whistle
398
00:16:50,865 --> 00:16:53,149
and we'll see which
one he goes to.
399
00:16:56,703 --> 00:16:59,071
Boy, this is a toughie.
400
00:17:01,374 --> 00:17:06,045
I really love having
a life with you.
401
00:17:06,047 --> 00:17:08,297
Sharing my hopes
402
00:17:08,299 --> 00:17:11,383
and dreams.
403
00:17:11,385 --> 00:17:15,588
But I also really love
404
00:17:15,590 --> 00:17:18,457
burying my head in your breasts
and going.
405
00:17:20,093 --> 00:17:23,479
Honey, it's not
about the sex.
406
00:17:23,481 --> 00:17:26,131
It's not about
your money.
407
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:28,100
I want to be with you.
408
00:17:28,102 --> 00:17:30,102
I want to take care of you.
409
00:17:30,104 --> 00:17:34,290
Oh, that's a good answer.
410
00:17:34,292 --> 00:17:36,025
Bridget?
411
00:17:37,828 --> 00:17:39,728
We have a winner!
412
00:17:39,730 --> 00:17:43,699
Courtney, do you think that your
deep feelings for my husband
413
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,651
can in any way be affected
414
00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:47,536
by a cashier's check
for $50,000?
415
00:17:47,538 --> 00:17:49,988
$50,000?
416
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:53,092
You actually think
that you can buy me off?
417
00:17:53,094 --> 00:17:55,261
Your real name is Sylvia Fishman
and you're wanted
418
00:17:55,263 --> 00:17:57,713
in three states for fraud,
forgery and money laundering.
419
00:17:57,715 --> 00:18:00,816
Bye, Walden.
It was fun.
420
00:18:02,352 --> 00:18:04,336
Aw, darn.
421
00:18:04,338 --> 00:18:07,223
I was really looking forward
to more diggity.
422
00:18:07,225 --> 00:18:09,608
If Bridget will write me
a check like that,
423
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:11,477
I'll diggity
your brains out.
424
00:18:14,047 --> 00:18:16,365
I'll diggity you for free.
425
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:19,001
♪ Men. ♪
426
00:18:21,732 --> 00:18:23,732
♪ Men. ♪
427
00:18:25,088 --> 00:18:27,106
How you doing?
428
00:18:27,752 --> 00:18:30,753
Let this be
a warning to you, Alan.
429
00:18:30,755 --> 00:18:32,427
There are women out there
that will be nice to you
430
00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:34,661
just to get to your money.
431
00:18:35,591 --> 00:18:36,645
Thanks.
432
00:18:36,646 --> 00:18:40,648
But that's not very high
on my list of concerns.
433
00:18:40,650 --> 00:18:42,734
I just feel so stupid.
434
00:18:42,736 --> 00:18:45,453
Oh, hey. Don't sell
yourself short.
435
00:18:45,455 --> 00:18:48,522
I'm sure she was also attracted
to your chiseled good looks,
436
00:18:48,524 --> 00:18:51,192
youthful stamina
and freakishly large penis.
437
00:18:51,194 --> 00:18:54,495
Thanks.
That makes me feel better.
438
00:18:54,497 --> 00:18:58,716
I'm glad, 'cause it makes me
feel like hanging myself.
439
00:18:58,718 --> 00:19:02,369
So how'd you leave
things with Bridget?
440
00:19:02,371 --> 00:19:03,838
Pretty much the same place.
441
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,539
She still wants
a divorce.
442
00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:07,058
Oh, I'm sorry.
443
00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:08,709
But she obviously
still cares about you.
444
00:19:08,711 --> 00:19:10,595
I mean, a lot of people
would have used
445
00:19:10,597 --> 00:19:11,813
the money she
gave Courtney for--
446
00:19:11,815 --> 00:19:15,883
I don't know--
medical insurance, a new car,
447
00:19:15,885 --> 00:19:19,987
maybe a college prep tutor
for their idiot son.
448
00:19:19,989 --> 00:19:22,523
You can have
all those things, Alan.
449
00:19:22,525 --> 00:19:23,891
I can?
450
00:19:23,893 --> 00:19:25,559
Sure. You just have
to make more money.
451
00:19:26,395 --> 00:19:28,162
Right.
452
00:19:28,164 --> 00:19:29,697
Duh.
453
00:19:31,834 --> 00:19:33,567
Hey, thanks for calling Bridget.
454
00:19:33,569 --> 00:19:34,735
Oh, no problem.
455
00:19:34,737 --> 00:19:36,370
No, you really had my back.
456
00:19:36,372 --> 00:19:38,039
Oh, that's what
friends do.
457
00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:39,740
Well, I want you to know
that you have
458
00:19:39,742 --> 00:19:41,175
a home here as long as you want.
459
00:19:41,177 --> 00:19:42,910
Really?
460
00:19:42,912 --> 00:19:44,912
Because I am looking
for a place.
461
00:19:44,914 --> 00:19:46,597
No, I want...
I want you to stay.
462
00:19:46,599 --> 00:19:48,432
I like having
somebody here I can trust.
463
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:50,601
Well, if it's
what you want.
464
00:19:50,603 --> 00:19:52,770
Ah, son of a bitch.
465
00:19:52,772 --> 00:19:54,539
I knew you'd
find a way
466
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:56,491
to weasel your
way back in.
467
00:19:56,493 --> 00:19:58,643
I'm out of here.
468
00:19:59,444 --> 00:20:00,895
Well, you're not
quitting, are you?
469
00:20:00,897 --> 00:20:02,263
Nah, I'm moving
back home.
470
00:20:02,265 --> 00:20:03,631
I'll see
you Monday.
471
00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:05,432
Wow.
472
00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:07,827
Looks like I get to take
my old room back, huh?
473
00:20:08,322 --> 00:20:09,513
Hey, whatever
you want, buddy.
474
00:20:09,514 --> 00:20:12,498
Just make sure the
nine-fingered man is gone.
475
00:20:15,219 --> 00:20:16,886
How about that?
476
00:20:16,888 --> 00:20:19,722
For once, things actually
work out well for old Alan.
477
00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:30,563
== sync, corrected by elderman ==33108
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