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(determined music)

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(bouncy hip hop music)

- [Woman] I love Martin, I wanna see him again, soon.

- Romey Rome is the business.

Even when he does a little (indistinct) Roscoe.

(murmurs loudly)

- Whassup? - Oh, my God.

- That's it right there, that's me right there.

That's O'Marty Mart right there.

- Hey Martin, I'm happy you back.

I'm happy you back on the stage doing your thing, man.

- Damn, Gina!

- [Both] Hey, Martin.

- Martin!

(laughs out loud)

(spacey hip hop music)

- The sound of the laughter it's the fuel,

it's the oil.

It's the basketball going in the net,

hearing the net, the sound of the nets.

That laughter is key to everything

because that's the reward.

That's what you do it for.

You do it for the laughter.

You do it to make people laugh.

When they enjoyed they self.

And sometime they stand,

give a big applause, whatever and just to see

that they enjoyed the show and the love

that's the most fun about it to me

is to reward 'cause everything else

to process and everything else

you gotta get enough rest.

You gotta make sure you got some food

in your body for fuel everything.

But the reward is when I see the people laughing.

The life of a comedian.

Backstage pass, all access.

I remember going to see Eddie Murphy.

He was performing at Richmond Colosseum or somewhere.

And I drove from Merlin two hours to see him.

And I remember seeing him, man, and he was so good.

And I just said to myself, man, that's what I want to do.

And standup comedy was my way in.

I think we good, let's have some fun, man.

The start, a comedy career.

It's a grind.

I mean, gonna the comedy clubs, smoke-filled rooms,

maybe about a hundred people, 200 people,

you trying to convince them what you believe

is funny as funny.

But when it hit me was when I got chose for "Star Search".

- Let's bring on Martin Lawrence.

- And I auditioned for Claudia McMahon.

And I did my act.

I was blue and everything.

I just was myself and believe it or not, they called me.

'Cause men will make it worse

'cause you could just say, I'm going out!

She said, "I cook for you.

"I clean for you."

Then it makes the man feel bad.

He say, I'm sorry honey. I did not even know

it was like that.

I love you too.

Now give me the car keys.

(audience laughs out loud)

Thank you. You guys been great.

Man, I'm outta here.

(laughs softly)

I said I'm outta here.

And after I did "Star Search"

I auditioned for "What's Happening Now!!".

I was already amped up. I was already ready to go.

For a kid coming from the neighborhood to Hollywood.

It's a big transition.

Your eyes light up. It's like seeing heaven.

Chris Breck over at HBO and got my tape

from somebody over at "Star Search".

And they saw me perform and they loved what they saw

and asked me was I interested into acting?

I said, I ain't doing nothing

but sitting around here in my draws, what else?

Of course, I'm interested in acting.

I would love that.

That's how I got started.

That's how the whole "Martin" show got started.

Gina ain't here, wait in the hall.

(audience laughs out loud) (bouncy hip hop beat)

There were a lot of people told me I couldn't do things.

The language, the subject matters that I talk

about was inappropriate at times.

And they would say, it's not gonna fly.

But as I saw Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip

and when Eddie came along, I seen him doing his own thing.

I didn't feel like they were being edited or whatever.

Whether people told them they could do it or not.

I was like, fuck them.

I'ma do what I wanna do.

- Martin Lawrence, man, you the greatest of all time.

- He transcends generations we was born in 87.

- He says things that we wanna say

or we think about saying.

- You go boy.

(audience cheers loudly)

- Before I'm going out on stage and I'm standing there

and I'm shadow boxing.

I'm just thinking, man, you better be fun, man.

You gotta be funny tonight.

You can't turn back now.

You've got thousands of people out there

and you just can't turn back now.

So you gotta bring it

but I'm ready to do what I'm ready to do.

I'm ready to get it on.

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentleman, Martin Lawrence!

♪ We looking fresh when we stepping in the VIP ♪

♪ Look at us, look at us ♪

♪ Everybody gonna notice me ♪

♪ Dressed so fly like the F16 ♪

♪ They stare with their mouths wide open ♪

♪ Close your mouth and let me buy you drinks ♪

♪ While I kick it with this chick in pink ♪

♪ She complement me on my cufflinks ♪

- Yeah, LA, LA!

Yeah, that's why I came here.

That's why I came here.

(whoops loudly)

I love that shit!

Make some motherfucken noise!

(audience cheers loudly)

Yeah, let 'em know we in this motherfucker tonight.

All that noise, boy, we got white people scared.

They, oh, shit. What the fuck?

How many black people are going off tonight?

Y'all looking good. You're looking good.

(audience cheers)

Thank you for coming out.

Y'all don't mind if I just take my time.

Just hang out with y'all for a little while.

Yeah, y'all looking good.

(audience member speaks faintly)

I know, I say. (smooches loudly)

Yeah, I know.

Y'all like the way I'm dressed tonight.

(audience cheers loudly)

I said Martin,

don't go up there wearing all that hot ass leather.

Don't wear all that hot ass leather.

Fellas, I know y'all got your suits on

y'all looking good.

Fellas, y'all cool.

I know y'all was in that mirror

before y'all got here with this shit.

Yeah, that nigga, yeah, yeah,

he don't know nothing about that there.

Look at 'em shoes, look at that there, yeah, yeah.

(audience laughs softly)

Ladies, I know y'all looking good.

Y'all got the bumps on.

(audience cheers loudly)

Y'all got the pumps on.

When y'all got them pumps on,

that ass just clickety-clack, clack, clack!

Just all ass, just clack-clack.

Clickety-clack clack, clack.

(audience laughing softly)

When y'all ain't got them pumps on.

Look like somebody done kicked you in your ass.

You got them flats on.

Just see sliding and shit.

Sliding like a motherfucker.

(audience laughs out loud)

But y'all seen the footage.

Y'all seen the footage.

(audience cheers loudly)

I've been in the game damn near 30 years y'all, 30 years.

(audience cheers loudly)

Yeah, I'm doing time in Hollywood.

That's what I call it.

Doing time in Hollywood.

Everybody keep asking me

when we gonna do another "Bad Boys"?

(audience cheers loudly)

They better hurry up and do that motherfucker

before it come sad boys.

(audience laughs out loud)

'Cause I'm getting all fat and shit.

I'll be running and shit.

Freeze, freeze!

(audience laughs)

They better hurry up and do that motherfucker.

But Hollywood, sometimes they act

like they don't know Marty Marty in Hollywood.

Yeah, they'd be rolling up on me, Don Cheadle!

(audience laughs softly)

Love you in "Blackish". Love you in "Blackish".

Everybody in Hollywood on "Dancing With the Stars".

Man, if you see me on that motherfucker, my career's over.

(audience laughs out loud)

Everybody on that motherfucker doing this shit here

and all of this shit, here.

Call me when that shit's like this.

(bouncy hip hop music) (audience laughs out loud)

Yeah, call me when it's like that.

I bet I win that motherfucker too.

(mutters softly) (audience laughs out loud)

- [Audience Member] Love you, Marty!

- I love you back baby. Thank you, thank you.

(audience cheers softly)

I was reading something on the way over here.

I don't know how true it is,

but it said that Caitlyn Jenner,

he don't wanna be a woman no more.

Anybody hear that shit.

All of a sudden changed his mind.

It's just like, fuck. I wanna go back.

(audience laughs out loud)

I don't wanna be a man.

Can you just change like that?

Must've been them fucking high heels.

I'm telling you it's them fucken high heels.

(audience laughs out loud)

I can't fucking do this in these everyday,

I can't do this shit.

Every mother fucking day,

it ain't easy being no woman,

woman will tell you that shit.

Ladies, shit, y'all got them cramps every month.

Bleeding all every month.

Fellas if we were bleeding every month.

We couldn't handle that shit.

Your lady be trying to give you head

You're talking about,

nah, I don't think you wanna do that.

(audience laughs out loud)

She don't believe you on your period.

You gotta show her a little tampon and shit

with the string hanging off the motherfucker.

Little Q-tip ball on the tip of your dick and shit

with a string hanging off the motherfucker.

(audience laughs out loud)

She don't believe you.

She keep pressing you and shit.

You telling her, okay, if you want to but I'm spotting.

(audience laughs out loud)

If you don't mind a little ketchup on the hot dog!

Go get a towel, go get a towel.

What else in Hollywood man?

Fucking with my man, Cosby,

(indistinct) fuck with Cosby, America's dad.

Cosby, they say he's up to 50 something women now,

50 something women.

Can you believe that shit?

50 something, I don't believe that,

50 something women, maybe 27.

(audience laughs out loud)

Nah, man, Cosby ain't had to ruby nobody.

All he did was put that pudding pop in 'em.

Just, oh, it's the pudding.

It's the pudding!

It's the pudding!

(grunts loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

That's all he did was hypnotize 'em.

I can't talk about Cosby.

I can't talk about nobody.

As much shit as I done did in my life.

I'm still walking around this motherfucking thinking

what the fuck they gonna find on my ass?

(audience laughs out loud)

I know I done did some shit in Cleveland once,

what the fuck?

I can't think of nothing.

Only thing I can think of,

is it fucked if you beat your meat on Skype?

(audience laughs out loud)

'Cause I ain't want my lady in them streets.

I told her to take a look at this.

Take a look at this.

Look at 'em balls, look at 'em balls.

'Em your balls. Them your balls.

Take a look at this. Look at the birthmark.

Look at the birthmark!

(audience laughs softly)

I know I was looking all fucked up too, just.

(audience laughs out loud)

I had that face where you can't come and shit.

You ready to cry.

(audience laughs out loud) (whimpers softly)

Shit, what else going on on Hollywood?

O.J, his ass not a bright motherfucker.

O.J, y'all see they got that TV movie on him and shit.

Not a bright motherfucker.

I mean nigga if you get away with murder,

nigga, sit yo' ass down.

(audience laughs out loud)

Go to Mexico and drink tequila the rest of your life.

Nigga sit yo' ass down.

Now you in that motherfucker, braiding hair.

(audience laughs out loud)

How you go from this shit to this?

Over some motherfucking memorabilia,

they got his ass on memorabilia.

You gotta do 40 over some memorabilia.

Over a old ass football hat he can't even wear.

(audience laughs)

Some old ass clique's

that he can't even fucking get in no more.

He gotta do 40 behind that shit.

Shit, man, y'all mind if I get a little water.

(clears throat) Motherfucker say hurry up.

(audience laughs out loud)

- [Audience Member] Yes, we did. Yes, we did!

- Yeah, let me tell y'all a little something

about me growing up.

Before I got here, tried a lot of things.

I was a door-to-door comic.

Yeah, but I used to go to people's houses and shit.

Put the baby away.

Got some jokes for yo' ass.

A lot of people don't know I was a male dancer.

Yeah, they used to call me Coco Dick, Coco Dick.

(audience laughs out loud)

Go Coco, go Coco, go Coco.

I used to lay it right on their forehead.

Go Coco, go Coco, go Coco.

Had a fat girl clientele.

They used to throw chicken wings up there and shit

to pay me and shit.

I send back them wings back in their mouth.

Get back in there. Get back in there.

Get back in there.

Get back in there.

Had to give it up though.

'Cause that thong gave me a rash.

(audience laughs out loud)

Had my whole ass chapped. Whole ass chapped.

But I got in a lot of physical sports when I was young,

it's a lot of physical sports.

My first physical sport I got in was karate.

I was real good at karate.

(screams out loud)

I was good with the sound.

(screams out loud)

Everybody think they know karate

till they meet somebody that really fucking knows karate.

(audience laughs)

I'ma blue belt. I do blue belt shit.

I get in my stance.

Go get help!

(audience laughs out loud)

My other physical sport I love, man, I love, is boxing.

That was my sport. I was good at that.

You could tell.

Yeah, I used to always dance and shit, move.

You could tell the way I move. I was pretty good.

(audience laughs)

Ding, good round nigga, good round.

(audience laughs out loud)

That motherfucker almost hit me.

(audience laughs)

I got out of the game when I got my eyes swollen.

That's when I got out.

I knew soon as he hit me, that shit.

(mutters loudly)

Went back to my corner.

(audience laughs out loud)

Coach, is my eye swollen?

You're doing great. You're doing good.

Is my eye swollen?

Yes, fuck you, fight over nigga.

(audience laughs)

Boxing is a hard hustle, man.

Especially if you a friend of a fighter

and you ever go to a fight with him and got a ride home

with him after you done got his ass whooped.

You don't know what to say to him.

He yelling out incoherent shit.

Jordan's like to wear pit bulls.

(audience laughs out loud)

Fuck are you talking about?

Asking you questions and shit.

Nah, I don't know where your teeth are.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, last time I seen 'em, they was with you.

One of my favorite fighters of all times.

Favorite fighters is Mike Tyson, man.

Love Mike Tyson.

(audience cheers loudly)

One of my favorite fighters, man.

Wouldn't it be cool man if somebody was fucking with you

you could run in there and get Mike?

If he is a cousin, brother, uncle,

all you had to do is run in there.

Mike, Mike, the motherfucker bust my nose!

Stop crying. What happened?

(audience laughs)

You know Mike got that soft voice,

stop crying, what happened?

Let me eat my cereal first.

Come on, let's go handle it.

Is it him right here.

(grunts loudly)

Stop crying, look, his back is broke.

He won't bother you no more.

If he do he roll up on you.

Would anybody in here let Mike Tyson hit him

for $10 million?

(audience chatters indistinctly)

- [Audience Member] Yeah!

(audience laughs)

- You raising your hand.

A female raising her hand like,

(audience laughs out loud)

you would let Mike Tyson hit you for 10 million.

Fuck that. No amount of money.

You let 'em hit you for 10 million.

You have on some new shoes, but you'd be all fucked up.

(audience laughs out loud)

Mike Tyson hit me for $10 million.

And I got some new shoes.

I got some new shoes.

I got some new shoes.

(audience laughs out loud)

I got some new shoes.

Fucking with Mike Tyson got me some new shoes.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, but I had a lot of heart though y'all.

I had a lot of heart coming up.

I'll fight anybody. I ain't give a fuck.

I ain't no big guy, but I fight anybody.

I remember this guy named George like six-nine

was fucking with my sister.

He was on the football team.

My sister came in there.

George fucking with me!

I said George who?

She said, "That six-nine motherfucker!"

I said, I'ma handle it, I'ma handle it!

I went looking for George.

Where this nigga George at?

Anybody seen George.

Has any body seen George?

Where this motherfucker George at?

Any body seen George?

Come here nigga!

(audience laughs)

You fucking with my sister.

Let me tell your big six-nine ass something.

Don't you fuck with nothing that's mine, ever again!

Let me tell you something.

George, I will take your big ass down.

I will hurt you George.

Don't fuck with nothing that's mine.

George looked at me.

So okay, Martin you got it.

And looked down at me.

(audience laughs)

That's when I knew I was gonna be an actor.

(audience laughs out loud) (audience applauds)

But God, let me tell you a little about family.

Got a beautiful family.

Support me all the way here.

All during my comedy.

I told my nephews, I was coming down here to LA.

I said, I'm gonna do my thing.

I gotta tape in LA, they alive.

Yeah, uncle, they alive in LA,

go down that motherfucker uncle and turn up on 'em.

Turn up on 'em uncle.

Dab on 'em uncle.

Dab on 'em, dab on 'em.

(audience laughs)

Watch me whip. Watch me naynay.

Watch me whip. Watch me naynay.

I got three beautiful sisters.

One of my sisters.

She's very, very nice in the daytime.

(audience laughs out loud)

Once she get that drink in her.

I cut your throat motherfucker!

Stepfather, he talk like this.

Son I love you so much son.

I love what you're doing in the game.

I love what you're doing, son.

I said, dad, I told him, I said, dad,

I'm going to the Kentucky Derby.

He said, "Oh, yeah, son, where that at?"

(audience laughs out loud)

I said, dad, I'm going to the Kentucky Derby.

He said, "Don't get upset, son.

All I'm saying is where that at?"

I said, dad, Kentucky.

He said, "Well, shit, bring me back

"a Kentucky fried chicken meal, two piece biscuits."

I know what I wanted to share with y'all

I had to tell you got a chance to go to the White House.

Meet the president.

(audience cheers loudly)

Yeah, sure did man, as soon as I walked in the White House,

Barack saw me and was like, whassup!

I was like, Mr. President, Mr. President.

He said, "Call me Berry Marty, call me Berry!"

(audience laughs out loud)

Man, he started walking me around.

Started showing me around.

He said, "Look Marty, FUBU rug, for us by us."

(screams softly)

Man, we start walking around.

He start showing me around

and had music playing

♪ I'm so in love with you ♪

But his groove was off.

'Cause he black and white.

So he's shit was off.

(audience laughs out loud)

♪ So in love with you. ♪

♪ Whatever you wanna do ♪

Is all fucked up. Just beat all fucked.

Then he took me past the kitchen.

He said, "Chelle, look who's here."

She said, "Marty Mart!"

(audience laughs out loud)

The girls, daughters were getting their hair

pressed in the kitchen.

(audience laughs out loud)

Smell like ham, hock and greens in that motherfucker, man.

Then he took me back to the Oval Office.

And he said, "Marty, that's where Monica Lewinsky

"gave Clinton that sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

(smooches loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

"Yeah, Michelle won't even let me sit there.

"Michelle won't even let me sit there."

(audience laughs)

Man, we go back to the Oval Office

then he closed the door and he looked at me.

He said, "You smoke a little weed."

(audience laughs out loud) (audience cheers loudly)

I said I don't really fuck with it

but you the president, you the president!

He said, "Who legalizing that shit?

"Who legalizing that shit?"

(audience applauds)

Man, me and the president start getting high.

He got deep too, he say,

"Yeah, Marty, finally got that Obamacare through.

"They was fucking with me on that.

"But now everybody get Obamacare nigga."

(puffs loudly)

My security detail they fucking up,

running into the White House with their cars and shit

made me wanna put my foot in one of their asses.

You know they gave me that Nobel Peace Prize, right.

For what?

I don't know.

(audience laughs)

And then he said, "Look here, fuck that.

"Look, I brought you here for one specific reason.

"Nobody else could get the answer I'm the pres.

"I need to know nobody can get the answer but I'm the pres.

"I need to know."

And he leaned in and he asked me,

"What the fuck did Tommy do for a living?"

(audience laughs out loud) (audience applauds)

I told him he ain't got no job pres.

Tommy the type good couldn't hang out with Jerome.

(grunts loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

I said your wrong in the.

(audience laughing drowns out Marty)

Watch your mouth!

(audience applauds loudly)

I just wanted to do that.

Just 'cause y'all so good audience.

I just wanted to do that.

But y'all know I'm lying.

Talking about meeting the present.

I didn't meet the present. I'm lying my ass off.

(audience laughs out loud)

Y'all know I'm lying,

talking about smoking weed with the president.

Man, where my weed smokers at?

(audience whoops loudly)

Yeah, I see the black lips.

I see the black lips.

(audience laughs out loud)

Boy, I can't smoke that shit all the time.

Boy, weed have you doing some dumb shit.

Have you getting dressed in the kitchen and shit.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, I'ma put my pants on

and scramble my eggs at the same time.

Motherfuckers ain't thinking like that.

They ain't thinking like that.

Have you siting at a stop sign,

waiting for it to turn green.

(audience laughs out loud)

Fuck is wrong with this light.

You at a stop sign nigga.

Be looking for your phone

while you on the motherfucker and shit.

Where the fuck is my phone?

Where the fuck is my phone?

I know it's around here somewhere.

Let me call you back.

I gotta find my motherfucking phone.

(audience laughs out loud)

And black people and white people we get high differently.

Black people we get high we start philosophying.

We get high.

(puffs loudly)

'Cause the world is spinning like a motherfucker.

So if you wanna be here, you gotta hang on.

(audience laughs out loud)

See how deep I just came?

See how I deep?

White boys smoke that shit.

(puffs loudly)

You hear that?

(audience laughs out loud)

Did you fucking hear that?

(audience laughs out loud)

It says kill four people, dude, fucking kill four people.

I'm gonna get my fucking gun.

White boys get all emotional and shit

when they get high.

Yo' dude, I fucking love you man.

Fucken love your cats, your dogs,

your hamsters, all that shit.

Dude, I fucking love you.

They put their body into it too, I fucking love you dude.

(grunts softly) Love your ass.

(audience laughs out loud)

You're my bestie fucking dude.

You my fucking bestie dude.

Getting high though, I don't recommend you do this.

Don't get high and drive.

I did that shit and that shit was crazy.

I was at a club and I left the club.

I was so fucking high.

I was driving and I pulled up at a light

and I looked over and the cop pulled up right beside me.

I looked at the cop

and I drove right through the fucking light.

(audience laughs out loud)

I just pulled over.

Cop said, "What were you thinking?"

I said, I'm high.

(audience laughs out loud)

Doing too much, doing too much.

Can you give me a ticket?

I gotta learn.

I gotta fucken learn.

If you out there.

if you getting your drink on with your liquor.

Yeah, be careful with that liquor.

Be careful with that liquor.

I like people that know how to handle their drink.

Social drinkers, get a little drink.

(laughs out loud)

Yeah, what I'm talking about?

Yeah, it's all good. It's all good.

I know people

that know how to drink like that, they cool.

But how do motherfuckers get this drunk?

(audience laughs out loud)

I need a Uber.

They got that drunk talk and shit.

I need a Uber.

Somebody get me an Uber!

(laughs out loud)

Now if you drinking be careful,

know who you're drinking with.

'Cause you fucking around.

Don't know who you drinking with.

Wake up the next day. Your kidney be missing.

(audience laughs)

'Cause they be stealing body parts and shit.

You fuck around, wake up, have a new leg on,

have a tall ass fucking leg on that.

Who the fuck put this fucking leg on me?

This tall ass, fucking slap foot ass leg on me.

Who the fuck?

Who was I drinking with?

(audience laughs out loud)

Who the fuck was I drinking with last night?

What the fuck?

I can't even run in this motherfucker.

(audience laughs out loud)

Just turned 50 last year.

(audience whoops loudly) (audience cheers loudly)

Thank you.

Thank you, getting old y'all, 50 man.

Getting old, getting old.

Got that gut now and shit got that gut.

This motherfucker ain't going nowhere, man.

Ain't going nowhere.

It's all 50, 50 all pudding.

None but just pudding, ain't gonna be no more abs

on this motherfucker ever again.

You'll never see another ab on this motherfucker,

but that's ayt, that's ayt.

I ain't mad. I ain't worried.

'Cause all this turn into dick after 12,

it's just (mutters loudly) boom!

(murmurs softly)

Getting old y'all, getting old.

Be walking around the house.

Singing jingles and shit.

♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪

♪ At farmersonly.com ♪

(audience laughs out loud)

Fuck am I my singing that shit for?

♪ I'm in love with the coco ♪

♪ Baking soda, I got baking soda ♪

They got another one out.

♪ Cut it, you got to cut it ♪

I don't know what they say.

♪ You got to cut it ♪

(audience laughs out loud)

♪ You got to cut it ♪

They got one song out "Truffle Butter".

They be jamming on that shit.

♪ Truffle butter, truffle butter ♪

Anybody know what that is?

They say that's when you take the pussy juice

and the ass juice and you mix it all up

and sometime it got corn in it and stuff.

(audience laughs out loud)

And you just eat it all up.

They be jamming too.

♪ Truffle butter, truffle butter ♪

Shit, I go to a restaurant.

I don't order nothing with truffle in it.

(audience laughs out loud)

Getting old though y'all getting old.

Starting to piss on myself.

(audience laughs out loud)

What the fuck is it at 50 when you see the bathroom?

Soon as you see that motherfucker,

you start doing this shit.

(audience laughs out loud)

Oh, think you finish, oh, no!

Oh, no, there it go again, there it go again.

My dick done shrank on me.

I ain't know if it was my belly button.

I'm starting to pee on my balls now

and my balls just hanging in the water

every time I sit down,

just hanging in the water

just dunky dunk, just moist balls.

Just damp balls all the time.

Just moist damn balls every fucking time.

Getting old. Getting old.

Starting to shit on myself.

(audience laughs out loud)

I know you think it can't happen to you,

but it can, it can.

It happened to me I was in Vegas

and I was going to an event

and we was in the limo with my boy,

he got in the limo and he farted

and I just thought that was disrespectful.

He got in the limo.

(grunts loudly)

I was mad y'all, I said,

oh, he gonna get in my limo and let off like that.

I said, oh, okay, I got one for his ass.

Take this (grunts loudly).

And I shitted.

(audience laughs out loud)

That soft diaper shit too.

I couldn't go back in the hotel.

So I just took my draws off.

Got a good swipe

and threw the motherfuckers on the Vegas strip.

So if you see some shitty draws out there, bring 'em to me.

I'll sign 'em for you.

(audience laughs out loud)

Getting old, man. Getting old.

I know you think fellas you think your dick

gonna be there for you all the time.

At 50, that motherfucker start.

They wanna act up.

They just start it'd be doing shit.

Just be down that motherfucker.

Just, just, just, just doing shit.

I don't know. I ain't fucking with you Marty today.

I ain't fucking with you today.

(audience laughs out loud)

And if your dick start acting.

Now what you gonna need?

You gonna need that what?

That Viagra, anybody here ever take Viagra?

Y'all lying y'all ass off.

(audience laughs out loud)

Y'all lying!

Hey, take that shit.

Take that shit. That shit work.

It just got a lot of side effects, a lot of side effects.

One side effect is baldheads.

There are a lot of baldhead motherfuckers in here right now.

(audience laughs out loud)

Another side effect is stuffy nose.

You don't get no pussy.

You just be sniffing all night (sniffs softly)

doing this shit.

Another one is diarrhea.

And the other one is biggest one of all it's blindness.

Would you risk going blind for some pussy?

(audience laughs)

I don't know I might have to risk that.

I'll be blind in a motherfucker

by who am I fucking?

who am I fucking?

Be singing Stevie Wonder songs.

♪ If you really love me ♪

♪ Won't you tell me ♪

That Viagra they say

if you gonna use that Viagra,

they say if your dick stay hard longer

than four or five hours.

Go see the doctor.

I ain't gonna see no doctor.

He ain't sticking no needle in my shit.

My dick hard longer than four or five hours,

I'm fucking everybody.

(audience laughs out loud)

(mutters) Got 'em.

Take that.

Take that, take that.

Take that.

And they say, what if you get a hard dick

and you gotta shit at the same time?

That's cold, ain't it?

Your dick hard, oh!

(audience laughs out loud)

Which one do I do first oh?

Do I fuck first?

And then go shit.

Do I shit?

And then go fuck.

Or you just (grunts) let it all go.

(audience laughs out loud)

Got some good news.

I got some bad news.

(audience laughs out loud)

Good news, I came, I came. I did, I came.

Bad news is I shitted.

(audience laughs out loud)

We gonna clean it all up.

We gonna clean it all up.

- [Audience Member] Love you!

- I love you back baby. I love you back.

(audience cheers loudly)

Went to see my doctor the other day.

He gonna tell me that I had a low testosterone.

(audience laughs)

That's funny.

(audience laughs out loud)

He said I had a low testosterone.

Said I had a low slow leak in my balls

and the only way to fix it was with some fix a flat.

(audience laughs)

Said it was a good thing I got in there

when I did 'cause I was close to DD.

I was close to dead dick.

(audience laughs out loud)

Well, when you you got a dead dick

all you just be soft and in love, that's it.

Only thing you could do is become a good hugger and shit.

(audience laughs out loud)

Get up under these arms girl.

You know I'ma hug the shit out your ass tonight.

You know that, right.

(audience laughs out loud)

I might wrap a leg around your ass.

I might wrap a leg around your ass.

Round of applaud all the people in relationships.

(audience applauds loudly)

Congratulations all for you.

Round of applause to everybody looking

for that one night stand tonight.

(audience cheers softly)

Y'all don't wanna admit this shit.

One night stands is cool, they cool.

It just fucked up the way

you can't get rid of 'em sometime.

After you hit it and shit you be laying there.

(huffs loudly)

So what you about to do?

(audience laughs out loud)

And sometimes they don't wanna leave

until the next day and shit.

You gotta let 'em stay til the next day.

Then get up in the morning, get fully dressed.

Walk them to the car, get them in the car,

watch them drive off, go back in your house.

Get undressed and get back in bed.

I ain't fucking with you.

Little stupid ass bitch. I ain't fucking with you.

(audience laughs out loud)

You gonna have them one night stand fellas.

Use 'em condoms.

You know you don't want use 'em condom fellas.

Be talking about I like to hit that thing raw,

I like to hit that thing raw.

Use them condoms.

'Cause you fuck around,

stick your dick in some, pull it out.

Look like a hot dog that popped in the microwave.

(audience laughs out loud)

You know it's fucked up

when a doctor don't know what he looking at when he,

(audience laughs out loud)

what the fuck am I?

I don't, what the fuck?

Let me make a fucking phone call.

(audience laughs)

Talk about them relationships though.

They beautiful when they first start out, man.

I know some y'all sitting in here tonight.

It's new, it's brand new.

Fun when it's new.

'Cause you got that giddy walk every time you see him.

Baby, babe!

(audience laughs out loud)

Oh, there go my baby, there go my baby!

(audience laughs)

Ain't got no cool in your walk, just.

Kiss her like this,

(smooches loudly)

but it's nice when it first start off.

When it first start off, man, you like to talk on the phone.

Don't wanna hang up the phone.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up.

Okay, on three, hang up, one, two three.

So you still on there. You still on there.

Shit, when it go bad, you be like,

bitch please, click!

(audience laughs out loud)

Remember when it was good.

You were walking hold hands and talk all that shit

you ain't wanna talk,

'cause it's your world baby

and we gonna be together a lifetime.

That's just what it's about.

I'm loving you girl. I'm loving you.

Like McDonald's I'm loving you, that's beautiful.

Shit, when it go bad you be walking, leaving her.

Come on, come on bring your ass on, come on.

You get on my fucking nerve.

I told you my fucking knees hurt.

(audience laughs out loud)

I told you to wear your fucking knee brace.

Told you to wear your knee brace.

I can't stand your ass.

You get on my fucking nerves.

Can't stand your fucking ass.

What happened when it was good?

Remember when it was good.

If your lady wanted some new titties

you buy her some new titties, hook her up.

Shit, when it go bad.

You ready to take the titties back.

Be rolling up on her and shit.

(mutters loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

Oh, he pop my titties, he pop my titties.

He took his titties back. He took his titties back.

He's a dirty motherfucker, took his titties back.

Took his titties back.

(audience laughs out loud)

Remember when it was good.

You could watch a movie together.

Just have a good time.

Talk about the movie. Have a good time.

Hey baby, you gonna love this movie.

I'm telling you, just watch it.

I don't wanna tell you the end, but you gonna love this.

You're gonna watch this.

That's beautiful.

But when it go bad.

You'd be sitting in silence, looking at each other.

When the other one ain't looking, thinking mean shit.

(audience laughs out loud)

She be looking at your ass thinking,

if I can stab this motherfucker,

you be looking at her ass, but she ain't looking.

My momma told me about this bitch.

(audience laughs out loud)

If I could choke her ass

and they don't trace it back to forensics.

(audience laughs)

Remember when it was good,

your lady would come to bed

and a nice little negligee, nice teddy,

something to entice you.

So you can get your fuck on.

Shit, when it go bad, she come to bed with thermals.

(audience laughs out loud)

Smelling like Noxzema and get in bed and tuck the covers up

under her ass and start spinning in that motherfucker.

'Cause she don't want you slipping no dick

and start spinning.

(audience laughs out loud)

I don't want him slipping no dick in.

I don't want him.

I don't want him.

I don't want and lock.

Look like a fucking burrito.

You can't get no dick in the top or the bottom.

But fellas you know when we want that pussy

we want it right.

They wanna play them games.

What we do?

Go put that heater on 108.

(audience laughs out loud)

Get back in bed, watch the sweat

beat up on her head and shit.

By three o'clock she coming out the covers

by 3:15, she out the thermals,

by 3:30 the dick is in.

(audience laughs out loud)

I am the weight out man.

You don't play them games with me.

We want it when we want it

they can have cramps and everything.

Well, how bad are the cramps?

(audience laughs out loud)

Shit, they could be throwing up.

(grunts loudly)

Throw up that way, leave the pussy down here.

(audience laughs out loud)

Oh, man.

If you in a abusive, violent relationship,

get out of that shit.

Some people laughing at the shit.

I ain't heard nobody laugh at that shit.

Violent relationship.

(laughs out loud) (audience laughs out loud)

Somebody getting their ass beat.

(laughs out loud) (audience laughs out loud)

If you in 'em one of 'em relations, get out.

I don't put my hands on a woman, first.

(audience laughs out loud)

Fuck that, you hit me. I'm liable to hit you back.

Bitch, what the fuck wrong with you?

(audience laughs out loud)

You lost your fucking mind.

Fuck is wrong with you.

They tell you about all the men that hit women

but they don't tell you about women

that are fucking men up.

There's some women that got treating men like,

where your cheque at?

You punk ass motherfucker.

Where your cheque at?

You suck a type ass.

You ever been arguing with your lady,

you know she about to hit you 'cause she pacing.

Her hand is moving.

She like, you's a dirty motherfucker.

(audience laughs out loud)

I never trusted your ass, you dirty.

And you baby, go ahead with that shit.

Baby go ahead with that shit, now.

You was all dirty!

Start swinging on you.

You start running and shit.

You look at your wrist.

What would Jesus do?

What would Jesus do?

I'm sorry Jesus, I gotta hit this bitch back.

(squeals loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

Hit her with the death punch.

You ever been in a relationship.

And you can't get your emotions under control.

You just crying so much.

(audience laughs out loud)

That's how bad it hurts you.

I don't know what the fuck?

(whimpers loudly)

I don't know what the fuck?

Then you start asking questions.

What do you want with me?

What do you want from me?

I want you to get the fuck out my face

and leave me the fuck alone.

(audience laughs out loud) (bawls loudly)

You's a cold bitch.

You's a cold bitch!

(audience laughs out loud)

You don't care nothing about my feelings.

Fellas know a good thing when you got a good thing.

A good woman though, good woman.

Sometime we be plotting to get out of good thing.

You be telling a boy, I gotta get out this relationship dog.

I gotta get out.

Dog, what she do?

What she do?

She a good girl.

Nah, man, she be getting up

all early in the morning and shit.

(audience laughs out loud)

Cooking and cleaning and shit.

Gotta get out dog. I got to get out.

Ladies, when they plot to get outta,

you know when they tired and fed up,

they ready to get out.

'Cause it's all in their face.

Their attitude, everything.

They just look at you.

They just can't stand you yo' ass, they just.

(audience laughs out loud)

Do you have to fucking chew like that?

(audience laughs out loud)

Every fucking thing annoys 'em.

Everything, you gonna fucken.

(yacks loudly)

Who the fuck chews like that?

You have to fucking breathe like that.

(hums loudly)

Who the fuck breathes like that?

Be telling their girlfriend on you.

Girl, he ain't shit girl.

Girlfriend see you,

be acting different towards you.

Hi, how you doing?

(audience laughs out loud)

She be telling her girlfriend.

I gotta get out girl.

I don't want this fat ass, sleep ab,

annoying ass motherfucker.

And when you do that,

you might as well get out.

'Cause we wind up cheating on each other.

And man, we terrible cheaters.

Women just stop speaking to us for three days.

We tell them ourselves.

Baby, you ain't said nothing to me in three days.

All right, all right. All right, all right!

I fucked your friend Thelma and Louise.

(audience laughs out loud)

'Cause what do we do right before we cheat?

We ain't been doing it no other time.

We call, ain't call no other time,

but this time we wanna call.

Hey baby, hey baby, what's happening?

What's happening?

Yeah, just calling, checking on you, that's all, that's all.

(mutters loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

You still wanna go to Hawaii?

You still thinking 'bout Hawaii?

Yeah, I'm thinking about taking you to Hawaii.

(laughs out loud)

Yeah, that's right, all right.

Okay, all right. Let me ask you a question.

You all the way across town.

About 30, 40 minutes away.

Couldn't possibly get here in 20 minutes.

Okay, well, don't call back.

'Cause I'm gonna be in the studio with Ne-Yo

and (indistinct).

(audience laughs out loud)

Shit, the women want get dick on the side.

They gonna get dick on the side.

Ain't nothing you could do, they just get proactive on you.

They be telling you shit like,

oh, tomorrow, if you was thinking

about asking for some pussy, don't!

(audience laughs out loud)

Yeah, 'cause I'ma have a headache.

You be trying to negotiate with 'em and shit.

If I bring you some crab legs

you think I could get a smell.

Get you a smell

and leave them crab legs on a table and shit.

Women just tell you they need some me time.

Tell you they gonna get a manicure and a pedicure.

Be gone all day, come back.

That shit don't even be polished on.

(audience laughs out loud)

Be spray painted on and shit.

They walk into the room with a I just got some dick walk.

Goodnight. And the heater is broke bitch.

(audience laughs)

'Cause if a lady cheat on you.

You'll never know that package been open.

You never know.

'Cause they know how to put it back in a cuddle ball

and steam it back together.

They know how to iron the lips

on the motherfucking and shit.

And get all the inflammation

out of the motherfucking lips and all that, just.

(hissing loudly)

Just put that motherfucker back together.

And fellas, if you cheat on your lady, be careful.

'Cause she'll smell your dick.

Don't wanna give you head in all the time.

But now that she wanna get you head

and then she down there smelling your dick

and she'll she ask you.

Why you smell like you got fresh balls?

You've been gone all day.

You should have muskie balls.

(audience laughs out loud)

You should have a tangy salty muskie ball smell.

You been cheating on me.

And they biting dicks off and they cutting dick's off.

They teaching ladies how to just bite 'em,

just clamp and snatch your dick off.

Just snatch and leave you there like that.

(screams softly)

Fuck that I love my dick too much.

I shouldn't have to sleep in a jockey cup

every time I get in an argument.

Love sex, where all my sex lovers at?

Sex lovers.

(audience cheers loudly)

Yeah, we adults, we can talk sex.

We admit that shit. Love sex.

I wish I was fucking right now.

Shit, that's what I love to do in my spare time.

I just do this shit.

(audience laughs out loud)

Be playing and shit.

Just trying to move.

I just be trying shit.

Had a friend of mine gonna tell me he was a sex addict.

What the fuck is a sex addict?

If you get a lot of pussy, you a sex addict.

I ain't going to rehab.

(audience laughs softly)

What the fuck is a sex addict?

Do you just be walking?

Hi. How you doing?

Somebody get me some pussy.

Somebody get me some pussy.

I'm a sex addict. I gotta have it.

I'm a sex addict. I gotta have it.

(audience laughs out loud)

Hello, hi, there it go again.

There it go again.

(audience laughs out loud)

I'm an addict. I'm an addict.

I gotta have it. I gotta have it.

Fuck is sex addict.

Love, sex, love sex.

Love that soundtrack you ladies give during sex.

Love that soundtrack. Y'all give it up to.

Y'all give it up to y'all.

(squealing loudly)

Baby, baby, you killing it, you killing it.

You killing!

That make you fuck hard, I'm killing it.

I'm killing it, I'm killing it!

(audience laughs out loud)

I love that soundtrack.

Some ladies give too much soundtrack.

(screams out loud)

Shut the the fuck up!

(audience laughs out loud)

You gonna make my dick go down.

Some like to make you solve math problems and shit.

What's two plus two?

Four.

What's four plus four?

Eight.

25 plus 35.

That's when you come.

(grunts loudly)

I'm sorry. I only got a GED.

(audience laughs out loud)

Yeah, I can't count that far.

Can't count. (laughs)

But I give that soundtrack back.

I give it back.

I talk to 'em. I talk to 'em.

Shit, this motherfucker here.

(hissing loudly)

This motherfucker here.

Shit, oh, this some good, oh, this some good.

Oh, can't tell you how that shit.

Put your motherfucken leg in there,

put your motherfucken leg up on.

Put your head in the,

put your head in the motherfucken pillow!

Give that shit up, I give it back.

Give it back.

(audience cheers loudly)

Ladies, I got some bad news.

I gotta share with you.

I might as well just tell you.

I'm not good at licking pussy.

(audience chattering loudly)

I know. I know.

I know. Go ahead, get it out.

Blame me. I know how terrible terrible.

I try to be good.

(blabs softly)

I tried with on the clit

I try to fast tongue,

you know, you just (murmuring).

I can't get that shit.

And I lick it like I'm licking ice cream

and I lick it with my eyes closed

and that's not good 'cause sometime you go down too far

catch something on your tongue.

(audience laughs out loud)

What the fuck?

Fuck was that.

Like a spoiled marshmallow, what the fuck was that?

(hissing loudly)

Like a burnt black pistachio.

What the fuck is?

(hissing loudly)

What the fuck is that shit?

So I don't do that shit no more.

I don't lick no pussy no more.

Ladies, I love that head y'all give.

What they call it?

Fellatio, love when y'all give that one.

There's some out there know how to give it good.

Give it right.

Some don't know how to do,

they cutting you all the fuck up.

But the ones that know how to do that shit.

And look you in the eye. They be.

(smooches loudly)

You get all shy and shit.

What you looking at me for?

(audience laughs out loud)

♪ If you really love me ♪

♪ Won't you tell me ♪

Let's talk pussies.

Let's talk pussies.

Love pussy, been around pussy for 50 years.

Oh, pussy, just don't like no dry pussy.

Some got it bad too.

Thing so dry, you sitting on it right now.

You sitting on it too.

You know who you are.

(audience laughs out loud)

That thing is like Ajax.

That shit's like Ajax.

You be in a motherfucker.

Be cutting you all up and shit.

When you finish you gotta sit on the end of the bed.

Put Niels (indistinct) on your shit.

(audience laughs out loud)

I don't like no stinky pussy either.

Can't stand no stinky pussy.

Pussy smell so bad, smell like it should have a name

called Yacky Mandu.

(audience laughs out loud)

I could deal with the Yacky,

but that Mandu.

(audience laughs)

When you in there with that Yacky,

you just be in there with that Yacky.

Okay, that ain't nothing but a little Yacky.

That ain't nothing but a (sniffs) little Yacky.

Oh, oh, there go that Mandu,

there go that Mandu, abort, abort, abort!

(audience laughs out loud)

I let a lady know when her shit ain't smelling right.

Smell that, smell that.

Your shit that's you.

I ain't been away all day that's you.

Yacky Mandu.

(audience laughs out loud)

I like ladies that know how to take care of that thing.

Keep it clean, like fresh running water.

Make that thing look good too.

Make it look like a lobster

with butter coming down the motherfucker.

Just succulent man.

I find ladies don't like no stinky dicks.

And fellas we don't know our dicks stink sometime.

'Cause our head is back.

When they given us head.

We don't know

but they'd be down there like this,

damn, this nigga dick stink.

(audience laughs)

And sometime they catch a ass breeze that go with it.

(audience laughs out loud)

Serious with it, serious.

Back to pussies, back to pussies.

I don't like them deep pussies.

I'm talking about pussy's so deep Jacques Cousteau

wouldn't go there.

And you ever a been in the motherfucker,

you in it, you in it.

And she say, deeper, deeper!

I already got my ass bone in the motherfucker.

(audience laughs out loud)

How fucking deep can I fucking go?

You wind up putting your leg in the motherfucker with this.

Go deep enough with this.

Go deep enough.

I don't like them beat up pussies, man.

Pussies look so bad look like they got a black eye.

(audience laughs out loud)

And the lips on the motherfucker just hanging.

On a motherfucker just hanging, pussy look exhausted, just.

(hiss loudly)

Look like when you pull a string out a turtle neck

and the turtle neck drop.

And motherfucker just.

(hissing loudly) (audience laughs out loud)

You start crying and shit.

Who did this to you?

Who did this to you?

I'm calling 911. I'm calling 911!

Yeah, I wanna report emergency.

Somebody beat it up real bad.

(audience laughs out loud)

Yeah, real bad.

And where my squirters at?

Love them squirters.

Boy, you don't know if they came or pissed on you.

(audience laughs out loud)

All I know is they don't have to go

to the bathroom afterward.

You prepare for a squirter,

you know a squirter coming over.

You put plastic on your pillows, on your sheets and shit.

Feel like your balls is going through a carwash.

(purrs loudly)

And I found ladies love to get that ass spanked.

They love to get that ass popped.

They just don't like to be surprised with that shit.

You can't just be fucking and just hit 'em.

(grunts softly)

What the fuck is wrong with you?

(audience laughs out loud)

You lost your fucking mind you don't be hitting on me.

I get their permission.

Ms. Lady, I'ma spank that ass.

I'ma pop that ass.

'Cause I asked nice, you can pop it.

You can spank it.

I let her know.

Okay, I got a couple of different pops, okay.

Pick a pop and tell me which pop

would you like to your liking?

Pick a pop, tell me which pop you want to your liking.

Okay, I got one pop where I?

(grunts loudly)

Hit you real quick.

Give you a little sizzle, a little sting.

(grunts softly)

A little sizzle, a little sting.

Or I got one where I go shoulder length.

(grunts loudly)

And I plow you into the pillow

to pile you into the bed pole.

(grunts softly)

Or I could hit you with the chair.

(audience laughs out loud)

You want the chair.

Can you sign right here?

And say, I got permission to hit you with the chair.

'Cause I'ma lay your fucking ass out!

LA, much love y'all, much love.

(audience applauds loudly) (heroic hip hop music)

If I could say one message to my fans.

It most definitely would be thank you.

It most definitely be thank you

to them for over the years.

Just all the love and the support.

And I know without them, I would not be here.

- Martin! - Really enjoyed it.

- I think my favorite joke when he was talking

about the White House,

when he met the president,

well, Michelle said, "Marty Mart."

- I'm not saving the world.

(laughs out loud)

But I'm just trying to make you laugh.

- Three taps on the ass. That's my favorite.

(laughs out loud)

- Best was the Ajax.

(all laughing)

I have a headache right now.

- I love when I change their whole mindset

of if they come in the show and they,

(hums loudly)

let me what this motherfucker got for us tonight.

I love changing that whole attitude

and seeing them by the time, the end of the night

they're like this or that, like, oh, he's crazy, so crazy.

I love that. It's all worthwhile.

- Everything, everything from beginning to end

it was funny, everything.

- We love you, Marty Mart! - Been gone for a minute

but we love you, come to support you!

- Personally from me to you to y'all.

Thank you so, so, so very much.

And I appreciate you. God bless.

(bouncy hip hop music)

- Whaddup Marty Mart?

You still my old G baby.

I'm glad to see you back out there doing your thing.

Comedy needed you. We needed you.

I'm glad, you still one of my greatest comic heroes.

You, Eddie, Richard, George Carlin, Jackie Gleason.

- I tried to see him during a movie I'm doing it with him.

I know he recognized me.

He invited me to dinner, but I didn't tell him

exactly what time I stopped by his trailer complex.

And Larry who knows me.

We're buddies.

He looked right at me, sees me all during the day,

sees me at night in the wrong area.

And he says to me, "Are you lost?"

No, I was here to see Mr. Lawrence.

which is what he likes to be referred to.

- Martin Lawrence. Let me tell you something, man.

You, my old G, man, you put me on the game, man.

And the favorite moment of Martin Lawrence

is when you play.

♪ I said Jerome in the house ♪

♪ I said ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Let me have (indistinct) ♪

- Martin Lawrence is a great actor.

He's a great friend.

He's a great comedian.

And I think the reason

that he is great is because he's so generous.

He always has room for someone else to be funny.

- We go all the way back, man.

Don't do me like that Marty Mart.

You know what I mean?

I'm out here to support, man.

It's the legendary Martin Lawrence, man.

I always said to myself as a kid,

the moment, I get a chance to go to a live concert.

I will be doing that since I was seven, six years old.

You feel me, so, time has arrived.

You dig what I'm saying?

I'm out here in LA.

He's back doing his thing.

One of the greatest you feel me.

- You've always been funny.

You always been a cool dude

even though you cheat at basketball, but that's cool.

I still love you, man.

And can't wait,

what you gonna do for the next 25-30 years man?

We in your corner, we love you.

Stay funny.

Hey man, and stay my friend.

Yo' Martin, we love you, man.

(bouncy hip hop music)