Original subtitles

[Kite Man] Well, the briefcase appears to be nuke proof.

[Golden Glider] You've got to be kidding me.

I guess we've got to find some other way

to destroy the Anti-Life Equation.

Totally. Or maybe I should keep it.

I mean, that way, it doesn't land in the wrong hands.

Babe, no way.

Bein' Beast Mode taught me I never want a power.

The briefcase seems to respect that.

So while it makes you a Murderey Molly,

it just makes me a guy with a briefcase.

Fine. Yes, you're right.

Babe, we probs don't have time for this discush.

I think the nuke exploge tipped our locaysh.

Damn it! Okay, you grab the briefcase.

If it's not here, they'll assume it's destroyed.

It'll buy us some time.

We've got to stay on the move.

And keep the briefcase as far away from you as possible, so...

Whoa! Sweet truck.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, babe?

I mean, you do put the hot in hotwire.

Chuck, we don't need a clever line

every time we do something.

Good point. Hell yeah.

I thought we were gonna steal the pickup.

No way, babe. This is perf.

The briefcase is way in the back.

We stay on the move.

and fulfill every kid's dream

of being on the open road hauling chicken.

[horn blaring]

[squawking]

[singer] ♪ Hell yeah! ♪

Wow, you've gotten really good at mixing drinks, Mals.

The secret... [gulps] ...is love what you do.

[chorus] ♪ Darkseid! It's Darkseid! Darkseid! It's Darksei-- ♪

They get it.

Oh, hey there, Mr. Darkseid! To what do we owe the pleasure?

He always visits me on the anniversary of my parents' death.

How sweet.

- He killed them. - Ah.

Trust me, Malice, you dodged a bullet.

Well, nontraditional families are families still.

You've done well for yourself here, Malice.

Serving drinks to the scum of an already derelict species.

Hey, take it easy with the compliments.

However, this place is beneath you.

- Thanks, I guess. - I have excellent news.

It's time for you to serve me.

One Lee Trevino coming up.

No. What I'm saying is you will come serve me on Apokolips

and help me enslave the entire universe.

Like, today?

See, Goldilocks, you cannot look at screens all day.

You need fresh air! It makes you strong!

You were strong when you stood up to Mr. Luthor and Ms. Villigan.

Well, I suppose.

After all, I don't take orders from anyone.

I want a lollipop!

Coming right up.

- Here's three. - Ah! Ugh.

That third one will be just right.

And I want to go home and watch a show.

When I was your age, I did not have shows.

I was in a pit. I would use my imagination

and invent stories for the rocks.

They and the darkness were my only friends.

Then tell me a story.

- A love story. - [groans]

[gasps] With the princess. But not with kissing.

Kissing is too yucky.

Okay, I know a love story that conveniently

has no kissing or eye contact.

Yay!

[grumbles]

Once upon a time, there was a pretty cool guy named Ba...

Um, uh... Bane-jamin.

One day, in the 19 and 80s,

he met the most beautiful princess in the world:

Princess Rebecca Chen...

[Golden Glider] Damn it! Do you have cash?

I must have lost my wallet escaping from the resort.

Negativ-io on the cash-io, babe.

I tipped generously at the hotel.

The hotel that ratted us out to Villigan's?

Those people live off tips.

Well, we can't use cards or Helen will be able to track us.

I have an idea, babe.

Babe, are you sure

we should just leave it in the truck?

Glider, no one's going in that trailer.

Chicken theft is incredibly rare.

Now, watch a master salesman at work.

Greetings, sir.

My lady and I would like a table.

Oh, and by the way, these eggs are definitely not for sale.

- Okay? - Yeah. No.

Just because they're super special, I can't put a price on them.

If I had to, though, I'd say $5 an egg.

Wouldn't take a penny less.

- I'll give you a dime an egg. - And sold.

What a sucker.

[Malice] Well, okay.

Yeah, sure, I totally want to.

But I have to give Kite Man and Golden Glider a two weeks' notice

and, uh, obviously, they're not here right now,

- so I guess-- - They're on the run with that Anti-Life Equation?

Kite Man and Golden Glider have the Anti-Life Equation?

Um, no, no, don't listen to the guy who just shit himself.

Everyone knows Lex Luthor and Helen Villigan

have the Whatever-you-call-it Equation?

♪ The Anti-Life Equation! ♪

Right, so you should probably kill them if you need to kill anyone.

You'd never lie to me like your parents did,

would you, Malice?

No way, lying is... out of fashion.

I have sought this information for a thousand generations.

Now, to fulfill my destiny!

Keep the Lee Trevinos cold for my return.

♪ Chill the glasses! It really helps! ♪

Shit, shit, shit! I just lied to my god-daddy!

Not a normal lie either,

a lie about something he's really interested in.

Oh, I wouldn't worry, Mals. He seems reasonable.

He came to celebrate killing my parents.

Shit on a prick! On a stick!

I don't know what the saying is.

I am screwed.

What we definitely can't do is go back to Noonan's.

That's the first place they'll look.

What should we do then?

We should, one, stay away from Noonan's.

- Two, avoid Noonan's. - That's the same point, babe.

I really can't stress it enough, babe.

How exactly does one destroy something that can't be nuked?

Easy we wait for a storm.

A brain storm.

Now let's get a look at these chicken thieves.

- [chicken growls] - [screams]

Shoot her! Shoot her!

[screams]

[whimpering]

[creature growls]

Drop it in the ocean, feed it to a starfish,

or awaken a Kaiju like a Mothra or a Godzilla.

I love how creative you are, babe.

I just... I don't know if any of these things really exist.

- Um, babe. - What?

[chicken growling]

- [gasps] - [gasps]

- [people clamoring] - Chuck! I told you!

You were right. And obviously, that's what we should be

- focused on at this moment. - That is not what I mean.

Oh, cluckin' hell.

See? A clever line feels pretty good sometimes.

The scan's complete.

There's no sign of the Anti-Life Equation.

Congratulations, Villigan.

Your incompetence led to the destruction

of the only thing that could kill Superman.

My incompetence?

You had it hidden for months in a dive bar under chicken nuggets.

What were you waiting for?

The obvious thing. His birthday.

Or am I some kind of rube who kills Superman on a random Tuesday?

♪ Darkseid! ♪

Hello, Lord Darkseid.

- How are you? - What a lovely surprise.

Silence! I despise pleasantries.

♪ He hates small talk! ♪

Where is the Anti-Life Equation?

Well, Lord Darkseid,

unfortunately, there was a giant nuclear explosion.

And the Equation has been destroyed.

[laughs] Idiots.

The Anti-Life Equation cannot be destroyed by a mere nuclear blast.

One thousand nuclear blasts would not even tickle a hair on its ball sack.

♪ It's actually Pronounced nuclear! ♪

Oh, shut the fuck up!

Well, if it still exists, we should find it.

There's no we here.

You two are out of your depth.

Time to step aside and let the big dog eat.

♪ Woof! Woof! ♪

Lord Darkseid, I'll happily bow out of the race for the Anti-Life Equation

if you agree to one tiny condition.

- Which is? - Villigan's Crime will be

the exclusive delivery service for Apokolips.

- Free one-hour shipping? - In perpetuity. It's a win-win.

I like your style, Villigan. Deal.

Luthor, you're awfully quiet.

Anything you care to add?

Only congratulations to you both.

Let me know if I can be of any assistance

in your search, Lord Darkseid.

Good. So we agree.

The Anti-Life Equation is mine, and you two are out.

Well, you rolled over like a horny puppy.

If I hadn't, we'd both be dead.

Once I have the Anti-Life Equation, it won't matter.

I'll be even more powerful than Darkseid. [laughs]

And exactly how do you plan to find

the Anti-Life Equation before Darkseid does?

I don't need to find it.

I'll have it delivered straight to me.

And then he discovered that Princess Rebecca

had been thrown into a deep pit.

Uh... Excuse me. What is that?

Oh, it's just an applesauce squeezer.

They have those?

Do you have any idea how much time I spend smushing apples,

putting in cinnamon and nutmeg

just so she'll eat something healthy?

That would be such a timesaver.

Hey, what happens to Princess Rebecca?

Yeah, I'm riveted.

Ah, yes. Well, next, our brave hero Bane-jamin

rescued Princess Rebecca from the pit.

The same place he spent his childhood in darkness?

Look who's been listening.

- [chicken growling] - [people screaming]

What in the ugly shit fuck-- [screams]

- Babe! - [groans]

- [groans - [screams]]

[screams and groans]

[groans and grunts]

[grunts and yelps]

[yelps]

[yelps]

I didn't eat the eggs.

I swear. They gave me the wrong order.

[people screaming]

Babe, gut feeling, the Anti-Life Equation

has something to do with this giant chicken sitch.

We've got to get that briefcase away from the chickens!

There it is.

Fuck!

[both] Double fuck!

Jinx!

[roars]

[man on radio] Management says the resort remains open during nuclear cleanup,

with unbeatable room specials and a free continental breakfast.

- Chuck, we have to. - I know. Get the briefcase

- out of the... - [cell phone ringing]

- It's Noonan. - Well, answer it.

Well, okay.

Uh, hey, Noonan. Just a, uh, smidge busy here.

Any chance it can wait?

I'm gonna put you on speaker.

Kite Man! It's Lex Luthor.

You will bring the Anti-Life Equation to me now,

or your friends will die.

- That piece of shit. - Okay. [stammers]

Just don't hurt them, Lex.

We're on our way. We just need a couple minutes to, uh...

Hey, lovebirds. Don't worry about us.

It's under control.

I'm gonna teach these guys a lesson I learned in WW1.

How the fuck old is this guy?

[all grunting]

- [groans] - [grunts]

[grunts]

[men groaning]

[people clamoring]

[sighs] Feels like it's turning into one of those days, babe.

[chicken clucks]

[people screaming]

[roars]

[cries]

[people screaming]

Glider, shoot a beam at it.

Without the Anti-Life Equation, I can't control my powers.

I'll kill everyone.

Okay, uh, let's put on our thinking caps.

What's the best way to kill a bird?

[phone rings]

- Yeah? - Hey, Mals, uh, we need a quick fave.

But I'm in the middle of a retail therapy session.

It's been a day.

Bye! Do you have these in a seven?

Wait, wait. Mals, we're kind of dealing with an itty bitty emergency.

Me, too. Although this is actually a big one. It's a one day sale.

Malice, fuck the sale. We need you and your cat, ASAP.

I'll drop a pin so you can find us.

Well, I need to feed Chessure first.

Don't! We need her hungry.

Fine.

[meows]

So their love was not to be

as Princess Rebecca remained lost in time.

Okay, no more story.

But what about her daughter?

Golden Glider? What about her?

She was being hunted by the bad guys

because she had the Anti-Life Equation.

Someone will save her, right?

That is still unwritten.

So there's still time for her to get a happy ending?

What? You are not old enough to know...

Oh. Oh. Oh. A happy ending to the story.

Right. Well, maybe one day you'll see.

- [grunts] - Hey, Bane!

Look my head is outside but my body is inside.

[grunts] Going back in.

What is this rumpus?

I must protect my friends.

[groans]

Okay, Goldi, run upstairs, lock the door,

and don't go anywhere until I get back, okay?

Okay. But I have to go potty.

Do whatever need to do. Just go.

I will. But it's not number one.

Okay, well, here's something to read.

[grunts]

D... Do... Don...

Donut! Yay! A donuts bathroom! [chuckles]

Malice, there's a chicken in there. Make Chessure eat it!

- She's vegan now. - Malice!

Fine. Chessure, yummy birdie.

Oh, thank God. I'm safe.

[growls]

[chicken and Chessure growling]

Oh, by any chance did my god-daddy Darkseid

show up recently asking about any particular universe-destroying device?

- No. Why? - Nothing. Never mind.

[Kite Man] Oh, no!

[roars]

Oh! No! My baby. Here, kitty kitty.

I'm really into you, Summer.

Me too, Trent.

I mean, [chuckles] not me.

That's silly. I mean, I'm also super into yo--

Honey, I really think we should wait for interest rates to go down bef--

All right. You've convinced me. I'm going vegan.

[all grunting]

[rock music playing]

That thing's older than you. [groans]

And it still gets the job done. Just like me.

[grunts]

Two-on-one, huh? What are you guys, twins?

What are you guys, twins?

Who wants some first?

Hey guys, I was thinking maybe

we should put a pin in this.

It's like we say at the fulfillment center,

"Use your head, and lift with your knees!"

Let me know if you need a receipt for that.

- [whimpers] - [grunts] You motherfucker!

- Where's my fuckin' money? - He owes you money?

Ah. Force of habit.

[all grunting]

Time to end this nonsense.

What the fuck? Where the hell is everybody?

Whoa!

And we tell the Queen of Fables we've gone union.

[all cheering]

- [all gasp] - Well, well, well.

Looks like I found a little hiccup.

Hansel. I never knew you were a labor organizer.

Well, I am. And we are not coming out to fight

until you agree to our demands!

I mean, you can't disappear for months,

then show up and think we'll do your bidding--

- [gasps] Hansel! - [all gasp]

Now it's Nobody and Gretel.

Anybody else want to start a union?

[all clamoring]

Good. Because we've got shit to do.

Gettin' blood all over my wingtips,

you piece of garbage.

[grunts]

And that's how we do it at Noonan's.

- Beers on the house! - [all cheering]

All right. False alarm.

I guess everything was under control.

Shame about Hansel.

Okay. One beer each. Then back in the book.

[all screaming]

Babe, we gotta get this chicken away

from its all-you-can-eat buffet.

On it!

Hold this.

[grunts] Holy moly!

It's hammer time.

Please Kite Man, don't hurt 'em!

[grunts and groans]

[clucking]

Okay. You're welcome for all the help. Bye.

Think that briefcase tastes like chicken?

God, I love you, babe.

[Bane] Hey. Three Bears.

We have a mutual friend.

She just went upstairs to... Oh, my God.

I hope she didn't use the... [stammering] Goldilocks!

- [slurps] - [both gasp]

Goldi?! I'm coming in to make sure

you didn't poop yourself to the 1980s.

[grunts]

I am a terrible babysitter.

Looks like everything's A-okay at the bar.

Look at this.

I know. And this was just one chicken.

Imagine if Darkseid or Lex Luthor got their hands on it.

Well, that's not gonna happen, babe,

because I'm in this till the end.

So am I, babe.

You and me, Chuck, no matter what.

[Darkseid] Luthor and Villigan were useless.

We're back to where we started.

[DeSaad] Yes, sire.

It appears Malice was mistaken.

Mistaken or lied?

♪ Treason! ♪

But why would Malice lie to me?

Unless... she must know

where the Anti-Life Equation is.

Brilliant, sire. Shall we Boom Tube to Noonan's?

DeSaad, you donkey.

Noonan's is exactly where a moron would hide.

But Malice shares my bloodline, she's a genius.

♪ So smart! ♪

We must find a way to track her without her knowing.

♪ You have the chip ♪

I don't have any chips.

No, the one in the kitty cat. Remember, sire?

It was an add-on at checkout when you purchased Chessure.

Ah, yes! That pushy clerk. What was his name?

♪ Brandon ♪

Right, Brandon.

I'm telling you, these pet stores are dens of thieves.

So may I log you in on the "Track My Demon Pet" app?

Where Chessure is, there you will find Malice.

Excellent.

It's time to get the truth from my goddaughter.

The Anti-Life Equation is so close, I can taste it.

♪ Yum, yum ♪

[Darkseid cackles]

[theme music playing]

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

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