Original subtitles

[WOMAN] JIM...

GET UP!

JIM.

GET UP!

[INDISTINCT]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY? YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

[SOBBING]

YEAH!

[WOMAN] GET UP!

UGH! OHH, UGH... HMMM...

[NARRATOR] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. JIM GAFFIGAN.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO!

WHOO-OO!

EEE!

EEEE!

EEE!

EEE!

EEEEE!

EEE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. STOP IT.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ON DRUGS.

[AS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, HE'S A PALE FELLA.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE SO PALE.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, THAT SHIRT LOOKS LIKE A TABLECLOTH.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IS THAT A SHIRT OR A BLOUSE?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I THINK HE'S WEARING HIS MOTHER'S BLOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HIS PANTS LOOK DIRTY.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I WONDER IF HE'S WEARING A THONG.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DIDN'T WONDER THAT. NOW I DO.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IS THIS ALL HE DOES?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THIS IS WEIRD.

I CAN BARELY HEAR WHAT HE'S SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

-HE'S RIDICULOUS... [SILENTLY MOUTHING] -[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE IN CHICAGO.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT, APPRECIATE IT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I GUESS I SHOULD OPEN UP.

I'LL TELL A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

-I AM KOREAN. -[LAUGHTER]

-I COME FROM THE COUNTRY OF KOREA. -[LAUGHTER]

AND I'VE BEEN HERE FOR, HOW DO YOU SAY, ONE DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY I WISH I WAS KOREAN, 'CAUSE THEN MY INTEREST IN

ASIAN WOMEN WOULDN'T BE CONSIDERED SO CREEPY.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE LOOKS LIKE A MORMON.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOOKING LIKE A MORMON?

ACTUALLY, I ONLY DATED ONE ASIAN GIRL.

BUT SHE WAS VERY ASIAN.

-SHE WAS A PANDA. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, I LIKE PANDAS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THEY'RE ENDANGERED, FELLA.

YOU AND YOUR GIRL SHIRT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT KOREAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT ME,

BUT BOTH MY PARENTS WERE WHITE.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I THINK ONE OF THEM WAS A POLAR BEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S WHY HE WENT OUT WITH A PANDA.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE DOING BEAR JOKES.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S DOING A BIG SPECIAL.

HE'S DOING JOKES ABOUT BEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] SEEMS WEIRD TO ME.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE EATS A LOT OF CANDY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I EVEN ENJOY WATCHING PEOPLE MAKE FOOD.

BUT YOU EVER NOTICE THE FOOD NETWORK IS FAR MORE INTERESTING

WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY?

WHEN YOU'RE FULL, YOU'RE LIKE, THIS IS STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY, THE FOOD NETWORK'S LIKE PORN.

-YOU'RE LIKE, OH YEAH. -[LAUGHTER]

-WHIP IT UP, BABY. -[LAUGHTER]

[WHISPERS] MAKE IT FOR ME.

IT IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSING WHEN SOMEONE CATCHES YOU

WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

UH, UH, THE FOOD NETWORK.

-WELL, WHY ARE YOUR PANTS OFF? -[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE FOOD.

A LOT.

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I LIKE TO EAT LATE AT NIGHT, TOO.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT LATE AT NIGHT.

THEN AGAIN YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK BOOZE IN THE MORNING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND APPARENTLY YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO SMOKE CRACK.

[LAUGHTER]

WHATEVER.

I'M NOT TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS!

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY, AFTER AN ENTIRE HOUR OF WORK,

I WANT TO UNWIND WITH A BURGER AND A CRACK PIPE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF I DO THAT EVERY NIGHT, DOES IT MAKE ME SOME CRACKHEAD?

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THIS GUY'S A CRACKHEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S WHY HE'S SO PALE.

HE'S THE FATTEST CRACKHEAD I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT.

BUT MOST OF THIS IS A STOMACH IMPLANT.

[LAUGHTER]

OCCASIONALLY I'LL REGRET IT, LIKE WHEN I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN

AND I'LL CATCH HER STARING AT MY BELLY.

I'LL BE LIKE, HELLO, I'M UP HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT SOME PIECE OF FLAB FOR YOU OOGLE AT.

I DON'T CARE IF I'M IN A TUBE TOP AND I'M RUBBING COCOA BUTTER

WHILE I'M RIDING A UNICYCLE,

-GOING... ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA! ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT WAS THE WORST IMPRESSION

OF A UNICYCLE I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT'S LIKE HE DIDN'T EVEN TRY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M STARTING TO REALIZE I'M A PIG.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PIG WHEN YOU EAT SOMETHING THAT TASTES HORRIBLE,

BUT YOU DON'T NOTICE 'TIL THE LAST BITE.

-WELL THIS WASN'T EVEN GOOD. -[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA EAT SOMETHING ELSE, GET RID OF THAT FLAVOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER EAT SO MUCH YOU FEEL SICK?

-ISN'T THAT THE BEST? -[LAUGHTER]

THEN YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL AMERICAN.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, THAT WAS STRANGELY PATRIOTIC.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] I'M A PIG.

EVER GET HUNGRY WATCHING A COMMERCIAL?

AND THEN YOU REALIZE IT'S A COMMERCIAL FOR DOG FOOD?

[LAUGHTER]

HM, THOSE ARE SAVORY CHUNKS OF BEEF.

[LAUGHTER]

RICH, CREAMY--

WAIT, WHY ARE THEY GIVING IT TO THE DOG?

OH, NO.

THANK GOD FOR PACKAGING.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE PACKAGING.

PACKAGING'S LIKE THE CLOTHING OF FOOD, ISN'T IT?

OH, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING THERE, COOKIE?

[LAUGHTER]

A LOVELY MINT MILANO PACK.

[LAUGHTER]

CANDY, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT WRAPPER.

[LAUGHTER]

GET YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.

AND THE FANCIER THE FOOD, THE MORE ELABORATE THE PACKAGING.

YOU EVER SEE GENERIC CEREAL?

IT COMES IN A PLASTIC BAG.

LIKE IT'S HOMELESS.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WE SHOULD FIND YOU A BOX TO LIVE IN.

[LAUGHTER]

LIVING IN A BAG ON THE BOTTOM SHELF.

THAT AIN'T RIGHT.

I BUY THE GENERICS.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THE CASHIER,

I'M LIKE, YEAH, THESE GENERICS,

THEY'RE FOR LIKE A CHEAP NEIGHBOR OF MINE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GET ALL MY GROCERIES FROM SHARPER IMAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

SKYMALL.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] NO ONE BUYS ANYTHING FROM SKYMALL.

HEY BUDDY, I WORK FOR SKYMALL.

AND I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU JABBING US.

[AS HIMSELF] I LOVE GOING IN THE GROCERY STORE.

THOSE FREE SAMPLES.

IT'S ALWAYS A LITTLE AWKWARD AFTER YOU HAVE THE FREE SAMPLE.

YOU'RE LIKE, OOH, SAUSAGE!

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, SEE YA.

[LAUGHTER]

SUCKER!

[APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE YOU KIND OF ACT LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GET A CASE OF IT.

WELL THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR A PARTY, NOW WOULDN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

NAH.

GOTCHA.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN DID WE HAVE TO BECOME MEMBERS OF ALL THESE GROCERY STORES?

ARE YOU A MEMBER OF OUR SECRET CLUB?

I'M JUST GETTING DORITOS.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THAT'LL BE $4,000.

[LAUGHTER]

OR YOU CAN JOIN OUR CLUB.

I CAN'T COME TO A LOT OF MEETINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I GUESS I'LL JOIN.

I DO FEEL GUILTY AT CHECKOUT WHEN THEY'RE BAGGING MY GROCERIES.

TALK ABOUT FEELING LAZY.

HEY, THANKS FOR PUTTING MY GROCERIES IN MY BAG.

YEAH, I COULD HELP BUT I'LL JUST WATCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M EXHAUSTED FROM PICKING THAT CRAP OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT TO COME HOME AND WATCH ME EAT 'EM?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LOOKING FOR A BUDDY.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THIS GUY TALKS A LOT ABOUT FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT REALLY WE'RE A COUNTRY THAT LOVES FOOD.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

ONCE A WEEK ON THE NEWS, THERE'S A PIECE ON AMERICAN OBESITY.

THEY ALWAYS SHOW A BIG GUY WALKING.

THEY'LL BLOCK OUT HIS FACE.

BUT THAT GUY KNOWS IT'S HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THAT SHIRT LOOKS FAMILIAR.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, CRAP.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN'T WEAR THAT SHIRT AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

POOR GUY GETS TO WORK,

HEY, BILL, SAW YOUR FAT ASS ON THE NEWS.

-[LAUGHTER] -OH, I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE NEVER SATISFIED WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE GOOD ON THIS BURGER?

-A HAM SANDWICH. -[LAUGHTER]

INSTEAD OF A BUN, LET'S USE TWO DOUGHNUTS!

[LAUGHTER]

-THAT WAY WE CAN HAVE IT FOR BREAKFAST. -[LAUGHTER]

LOOK OUT McGRIDDLE, HERE COMES THE DOUGHNUT HAM HAMBURGER!

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS LAUGH,

BUT YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMEONE AT DUNKIN' DONUTS GOING,

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

THEN WE CAN HAVE THE DIET DOUGHNUT HAM HAMBURGER.

'CAUSE WE NEED THE VARIETY.

I BOUGHT SOME PEANUT BUTTER RECENTLY.

THERE WAS CREAMY, CHUNKY, EXTRA CHUNKY,

AND NOW EXTREME CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER.

I BOUGHT THE EXTREME CHUNKY. I OPENED IT UP.

-IT WAS JUST PEANUTS. -[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS EXTREME, TRYING TO SPREAD THAT STUFF.

AW, THIS IS RADICAL!

[LAUGHTER]

ALL THOSE EXTREME PRODUCTS, YOU FEEL LIKE A COWARD EATING THE REGULAR STUFF.

HEY CHECK OUT THAT PUSS EATING THE REGULAR DORITOS.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN'T HANDLE THE EXTREME ONES.

I'M WORKING MY WAY--

YOU GOT SERVED, SUCKER!

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT JOKE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

-HE'S WEIRD. -[LAUGHTER]

WE WANT OUR FOOD FAST TOO, DON'T WE?

THAT'S WHY WE REALLY LOVE THOSE VALUE MEALS.

JUST HAVE TO SAY A NUMBER.

-TWO! -[LAUGHTER]

SOON YOU WON'T HAVE TO SPEAK.

IT'LL JUST BE A NOISE.

EH!

[LAUGHTER]

EHHHH!

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SUPERSIZE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED OUR FOOD FAST.

THAT'S THE REAL APPEAL OF CHINESE FOOD, YOU KNOW?

BUT CHINESE FOOD ALMOST COMES TOO QUICKLY.

YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH I WILL HAVE-- OH THERE IT IS!

[LAUGHTER]

HOW'D YOU KNOW I EVEN WANTED THAT?

FASTEST TO PREPARE, SLOWEST TO EAT.

I PREFER THE CHINESE RESTAURANTS

THAT HAVE THE SILVERWARE ON THE TABLE WHEN YOU ARRIVE.

'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE HUMILIATING THAN STARTING WITH CHOPSTICKS,

AND HAVING TO TURN TO THE WAITER AND BE LIKE, UH, YEAH, HI.

I'M TOO WHITE.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU HAVE A SHOVEL BACK THERE?

CHOPSTICKS ARE FUN BUT I'D RATHER EAT THAN PLAY OPERATION.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] WE'RE LAZY ABOUT OUR FOOD.

WE HAVE PEOPLE DELIVER IT TO US.

YEAH, I LIKE YOUR FOOD.

JUST NOT ENOUGH TO GO DOWN THERE AND GET IT.

[LAUGHTER]

DELIVERY IS REALLY A COMBINATION OF MY TWO FAVORITE ACTIVITIES.

EATING AND NOT MOVING.

[LAUGHTER]

WORST PART OF DELIVERY

-IS GETTING UP AND ANSWERING THE DOOR. -[LAUGHTER]

-OH, THIS IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. -[LAUGHTER]

WHO AM I, THE BUTLER?

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON PANTS.

[LAUGHTER]

HAND IT OVER.

WE'RE GETTING LAZIER.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

YEAH, I WANT DELIVERY AND I'M GOING TO NEED SOMEONE TO FEED ME.

-NO, NO, I'LL BE IN THE TUB. -[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, KEY IS UNDER THE MAT.

-CHIP CHOP CHIP. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] CHIP CHOP CHIP?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CHIP CHOP CHIP

IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.

I DON'T KNOW.

[AS HIMSELF] I'M NOT GOOD AT ORDERING DELIVERY.

I ALWAYS THINK I'M READY, I NEVER AM.

I ALWAYS GET THAT ORDER PANIC.

DELIVERY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[STAMMERING] UH, UH, UH,

YOU GOT FOOD THERE?

YES, WE HAVE FOOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UH-UH-UH, LET ME WRITE IT DOWN. I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I WASN'T READY FOR THE TRICK QUESTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S EXCITING WHEN THAT DELIVERY GUY ARRIVES, ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE SANTA COMING TO YOUR HOUSE.

HE'S HERE, HE'S HERE!

THE GUY'S HERE, WHAT DO WE DO?

WHAT DO WE DO?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE DON'T TREAT HIM LIKE SANTA.

WE TREAT THE SITUATION LIKE IT'S A HOSTAGE EXCHANGE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHOA, WHOA, WEIRDO, YOU WAIT OUT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE MONEY, YOU HAND OVER THE FOOD.

THEN I WANT YOU TO BACK AWAY SLOWLY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T NEED YOU CASING THE JOINT.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

HERE'S SOME FUN TO DO NEXT TIME YOU GET DELIVERY.

TREAT THE DELIVERY GUY LIKE HE'S YOUR WAITER.

BE LIKE, HEY, THANKS A LOT.

COULD YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE MUSIC IN HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

AND I COULD GO FOR SOME MORE ICE WATER.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE CONDIMENT PACKETS

THEY GIVE WHEN YOU GET DELIVERY.

THEY GIVE YOU LIKE 50 KETCHUPS.

SUCH A WASTE.

MY WIFE'S ALWAYS LIKE, SAVE THEM.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO UP TO A HOMELESS GUY,

CASE YOU GET THAT FOOD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, HERE'S SOME KETCHUP.

[LAUGHTER]

-I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, BUDDY. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S RIDICULOUS.

[AS HIMSELF] IT IS CONVENIENT THOUGH.

WE WANT OUR FOOD EASY.

I MEAN, HOW ELSE WOULD YOU EXPLAIN SPRAY CHEESE?

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, I'M LAZY, BUT I GUESS THERE'S SOME PEOPLE THAT ARE LIKE,

YOU KNOW, I LIKE CHEESE BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

TIRED OF OPENING IT UP, TAKING IT OUT.

I'D BE WILLING TO EAT CHEESE IF I COULD DO,

I DON'T KNOW, THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I'LL DO THIS AND THE CHEESE WILL SPRAY OUT

AND I COULD WRITE MY NAME WITH IT.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I GOTTA SIGN SOME CHECKS TO MAYOR McCHEESE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND AS YOU KNOW HE ONLY TAKES CHEESE CHECKS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S ACCURATE.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MAYOR McCHEESE,

BUT I DON'T THINK HE EVEN TAKES CHECKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE CHEESE.

I THINK I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT THOUGH.

'CAUSE LAST NIGHT I HAD FOUR MILKSHAKES

AND I FELT LIKE CRAP.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK IT'S THE LACTOSE.

IF YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT, DON'T BE ASHAMED.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR TUMMY CAN'T HANDLE THAT SPICY MILK.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING MILDER THAN MILK?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NOT WATER, THAT GIVES ME GAS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

TRYING TO LAY OFF DAIRY.

I BOUGHT SOME OF THAT COUNTRY CROCK MARGARINE.

DIDN'T STICK IN THE FRIDGE RIGHT AWAY.

-IT TURNED INTO GASOLINE. -[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S GOT TO BE A TOUGH PRODUCT TO MARKET.

'CAUSE NOT ONLY IS IT A BUCKET OF WHIPPED GREASE,

SOMEONE HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL IT CROCK.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU THINK THIS IS BUTTER?

IT'S A CROCK.

[LAUGHTER]

WE ALL TRY TO WATCH WHAT WE EAT,

'CAUSE WE'RE ALL SO CONSUMED WITH OUR BODIES, YOU KNOW?

I WAS AT THE GYM, I SAW THIS WOMAN WORKING OUT.

YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE HER RIBS.

AND ALL I COULD THINK IS, I HAVEN'T HAD A McRIB IN FOREVER.

[LAUGHTER]

DELICIOUS.

[APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THANKS FOR THE REMINDER.

THIS GUY'S OBSESSED ON FOOD.

[AS HIMSELF] I AM.

I TRY TO RATIONALIZE WHAT I EAT.

BUT THERE'S SOME FOOD THERE'S NO REASON TO EVER EAT.

LIKE A CINNABON?

I MEAN, TELL ME THAT PLACE ISN'T RUN BY SATAN.

YOU EVER EAT A CINNABON?

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A NAP HALFWAY THROUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

-I THINK I NEED SOME INSULIN. -[LAUGHTER]

AND A WHEELBARROW FOR MY HALF A BUN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S KIND OF GENEROUS CALLING THAT A BUN.

IT'S THE SIZE OF A BEANBAG CHAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULD I SIT IN IT OR EAT IT?

[LAUGHTER]

-HEY, I COULD SIT IN IT AND EAT IT. -[LAUGHTER]

OH, THIS IS STICKY WITHOUT PANTS ON.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE HAS HIS PANTS OFF IN A LOT OF JOKES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ABOUT THAT-- HOW ABOUT THAT CINNABON ODOR?

YOU EVER BEEN WALKING THROUGH THE MALL,

YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

-OH, I JUST GOT A CAVITY. -[LAUGHTER]

DAMN CINNABONS.

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YA, I'VE DONE SOME HUMILIATING THINGS,

BUT STANDING IN THAT CINNABON LINE IS UP THERE.

EVERYONE'S SO FILLED WILL SHAME.

[LAUGHTER]

NO ONE'S TRYING TO MAKE EYE CONTACT.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, I'M JUST HERE FOR THE NAPKINS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT A PIG, LIKE YOU GUYS.

'CAUSE THERE'S NO REASON TO HAVE A CINNABON.

I'VE TRIED TO FIND ONE.

SO I'M ABOUT TO GET ON A PLANE.

HOW ABOUT EIGHT POUNDS OF CAKE?

[LAUGHTER]

SOUNDS REASONABLE. A LITTLE DESSERT ON THE GO.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ONE THING THAT'S TRULY UNIVERSAL.

WE ALL LOVE DESSERT.

YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU GO OUT TO DINNER

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO SHARE A DESSERT?

HEY, YOU WANT TO SHARE A DESSERT?

LET'S SHARE A DESSERT.

JUST GET YOUR OWN DAMNED DESSERT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I JUST WANT A BITE. JUST A BITE.

AND THEN DESSERT COMES AND THEY TURN INTO A VACUUM.

[LAUGHTER]

[IMITATES VACUUM]

AH, APPARENTLY IT WAS A BITE FROM A SHOVEL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I HAVE A BIT OF A SWEET TOOTH.

[LAUGHTER]

-NO, YOU'RE A PIG. -[LAUGHTER]

BUT SO AM I.

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.

I DO LOVE OUR EXCUSES.

I HAVE A SWEET TOOTH.

OH, SO YOU'RE ORDERING IT FOR YOUR TOOTH, THAT'S INTERESTING.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE IT'S GOING STRAIGHT TO YOUR ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK YOUR ASS OWES YOUR TOOTH AN EXPLANATION.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, NO ONE'S EVER REALLY NEEDED DESSERT.

WHO WAS THE FIRST GUY THAT WAS LIKE,

THAT WAS A GOOD MEAL WE JUST HAD,

I'M FULL, ARE YOU FULL? YEAH.

YOU WANT TO EAT A CAKE?

LET'S EAT A CAKE. LET'S EAT 'TIL WE THROW UP.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST KEEP GOIN' AND GOIN'.

WE HAVE DESSERT BECAUSE IT'S SPECIAL.

IT'S ALWAYS SPECIAL, DESSERT.

I LOVE WHEN YOU GO IN A TRUCK STOP OR A DINER.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE DESSERT IN THAT ROTATING GLASS JEWEL CASE...

-LIKE IT'S SOME ARTIFACT OR SOMETHING. -[LAUGHTER]

HOWS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK?

YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH, I DON'T FEEL LIKE DESSERT.

BUT WHEN I SEE PUDDING AT THAT ANGLE?

[LAUGHTER]

AH, I GOTTA GET ME SOME.

MY FAVORITE DESSERT IS CAKE. YEAH.

CAKE'S A TRUE SYMBOL OF GLUTTONY THOUGH.

IF YOU EAT A WHOLE PIZZA,

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, WOW, YOU WERE HUNGRY.

BUT IF YOU EAT A WHOLE CAKE, PEOPLE ARE LIKE

YOU GOT A PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

ADDICTED TO CAKE.

IT'S NOT LIKE DRINKING.

YOU NEVER HEAR SOMEONE BRAG,

YEAH, LAST NIGHT I HAD FOUR PIECES OF CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

-WHY ARE YOU TELLING US? -[LAUGHTER]

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I PARTIED.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU GET AWAY FROM ME?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS CAKE'S BAD FOR US.

SOMETIMES WE TRY AND DISGUISE THE FACT WE'RE EATING CAKE.

IT'S BREAKFAST. I CAN'T HAVE CAKE.

I'LL HAVE A MUFFIN!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAKE AND A MUFFIN?

-NOTHING. -[LAUGHTER]

A MUFFIN IS A BALD CUPCAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE KNOW IT.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MINI MUFFINS?

HOW MUCH DENIAL ARE WE IN WHEN WE'RE EATING MINI MUFFINS?

OH I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE LIKE ONE OR 12.

[LAUGHTER]

SO SMALL THEY DON'T REALLY COUNT.

THEY'RE LIKE, THEY'RE LIKE MUFFIN VITAMINS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I EAT 'EM, I FEEL LIKE AN ASTRONAUT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S WHY I HAVE 'EM FOR BREAKFAST.

CAN'T HAVE CAKE FOR BREAKFAST.

UNLESS IT'S A PANCAKE.

HOW'D THAT SLIDE THROUGH?

[LAUGHTER]

YOUNG MAN, YOU'RE NOT HAVING CAKE FOR BREAKFAST,

YOU'RE HAVING FRIED CAKE WITH SYRUP FOR BREAKFAST.

[LAUGHTER]

LOAD UP ON THAT AND TRY NOT TO NAP.

[LAUGHTER]

PANCAKES.

PANCAKES DEFINITELY MAKE YOU LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

YOU'RE LIKE, WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT SHOWERING TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GOING TO BE DIGESTING THOSE CARB CAKES FOR HOURS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THIS GUY TALKS A LOT ABOUT CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

CAKE'S A POWERFUL FOOD.

CAKE CAN ACTUALLY BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER.

IT'S BILL'S BIRTHDAY.

I HATE THAT GUY.

THERE'S CAKE IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

WELL, I SHOULD SAY HELLO.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE HOW HE'S DOING.

I MEAN, ADMIT IT, WHEN YOU HEAR THE SONG "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

ALL YOU'RE THINKING IS, HEY, I'M GETTING SOME FREE CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

DURING THE SONG YOU'RE JUST WONDERING WHAT KIND IT IS.

[SINGS] ♪ HOPE IT'S CHOCOLATE FOR ME ♪

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ALL BASHFUL THOUGH WHEN WE'RE OFFERED A PIECE, AREN'T WE?

WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE, WELL, I GUESS I'LL TRY IT.

[LAUGHTER]

-WHAT'S THIS CALLED, CAKE? -[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I'VE NEVER HAD CAKE BEFORE.

YARRGGH!

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IF HE DOES ANOTHER CAKE JOKE,

I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

OK, LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES CAKE...

-PIE. -[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S LIKE LIQUID CAKE, ISN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

PIE CAN'T COMPETE WITH CAKE THOUGH.

PUT CANDLES IN A CAKE, IT'S A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

PUT CANDLES IN A PIE,

SOMEONE'S DRUNK IN THE KITCHEN.

[LAUGHTER]

GO CHECK ON GRANDMA.

[LAUGHTER]

PIE CAN'T COMPETE, YOU KNOW?

NEVER HEAR ABOUT A HOT CHICK JUMPING OUT OF A PIE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S TOO MESSY.

I'M HERE!

GO TAKE A SHOWER.

[LAUGHTER]

CAKE.

THERE'S SO MANY TYPES OF CAKE TOO.

THERE'S RUM CAKE, WHICH MAKES SENSE.

'CAUSE WE'VE ALL BEEN EATING CAKE AND THOUGHT,

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS NEEDS? BOOZE.

[LAUGHTER]

-SHOT O' LIQUOR. -[LAUGHTER]

-I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EAT AND DRINK. -[LAUGHTER]

I ONLY GOT TWO HANDS, BUDDY,

AND ONE OF THEM'S HOLDING A CIGARETTE.

[LAUGHTER]

MEET ME HALFWAY, WILL YA?

THERE'S FUNNEL CAKE,

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY A GIANT FRENCH FRY COVERED IN SUGAR.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE SERVING THAT AT THE IHOP NOW.

IT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR THAT PLACE.

I'VE NEVER LEFT THERE FEELING LIKE HOPPING.

[LAUGHTER]

IT SHOULD BE CALLED I BARELY MOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEED A WHEELCHAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY BUDDY, I LIKE THE IHOP.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THE MOST DISAPPOINTING CAKE HAS TO BE FRUITCAKE, YOU KNOW?

YOU'D THINK THAT WOULD BE BETTER.

IT DOESN'T ADD UP.

FRUIT, GOOD.

CAKE, GREAT.

FRUITCAKE, NASTY CRAP.

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE YOU TRIED FRUITCAKE?

I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S FRUIT IN THERE.

YOU'RE LIKE... [CHEWING]

WHAT IS THAT, A SKITTLE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS THIS, SEED HERE? WHAT'S THIS, A TREASURE MAP?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS THE RECIPE OF FRUITCAKE?

ANYTHING BUT FRUIT?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE THE BAKER WAS JUST CLEARING OFF THE COUNTER.

PUT ALL THIS CRAP IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOBODY EATS THIS STUFF. THEY JUST MAIL IT TO RELATIVES.

[APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT IS SO TRUE.

[APPLAUSE]

BIG HOLIDAY TRADITION, FRUITCAKE.

I LOVE OUR HOLIDAY TRADITIONS.

LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE, WHERE WE GO OUT AND WE CHOP DOWN A TREE

AND WE PUT IT IN OUR LIVING ROOM.

KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE THE BEHAVIOR OF A DRUNK MAN REALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME WOMAN WAKES UP.

HONEY, WHY IS THERE A...

A PINE TREE... IN OUR LIVING ROOM?

[AS DRUNKARD] I LIKE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS DRUNKARD] WE'RE GONNA-- WE'RE GONNA

DECORATE IT FOR JESUS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[AS DRUNKARD] AND THEN I'M GONNA HANG MY SOCKS OVER THE FIREPLACE.

FILL THEM WITH CANDY.

MAYBE I'LL TIE SOME LEAVES TO THE CEILING,

SEE IF I CAN GET SOME ACTION.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS DRUNKARD] AND NOW I GOTTA PUKE ON THAT COUCH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME PEOPLE GET SO INTO CHRISTMAS, THEY DECORATE THEIR YARDS.

IT SEEMS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.

ALL RIGHT, CHOP DOWN THAT TREE.

BRING IT IN HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

TAKE ALL THESE LIGHTS, PUT THEM OUT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I JUST GOTTA-- I REALLY GOTTA GET A JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S ANTI-CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHTER]

EASTER, THAT'S A WEIRD TRADITION.

EASTER, THE DAY JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

HOW ABOUT EGGS?

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS?

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL HIDE 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T FOLLOW YOUR LOGIC.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A BUNNY.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

[AS HIMSELF] THANKSGIVING.

THANKSGIVING, IT'S LIKE WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO COME UP WITH A TRADITION.

THE TRADITION IS WE OVEREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, HOW ABOUT AT THANKSGIVING WE JUST, UH, EAT A LOT?

WE DO THAT EVERY DAY!

[LAUGHTER]

OH... WHAT IF WE EAT A LOT WITH PEOPLE THAT ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF US?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, HE'S ANTI-FAMILY.

[LAUGHTER]

MOSTLY WE USE HOLIDAYS SO WE CAN EAT MORE.

I NORMALLY DON'T HAVE A BURGER, A BRAT, AND A STEAK, BUT...

IT IS FOURTH OF JULY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I NEED THE ENERGY IF I'M GOING TO START BLOWING CRAP UP.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WOULD WANT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY IS HALLOWEEN.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE WOMEN USE IT AS AN EXCUSE

TO DRESS LIKE PROSTITUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU LADIES TOTALLY DO.

I'M A WITCH! IF SHE WAS A HOOKER.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LITTLE MISS MUFFET!

I'M SURE YOU ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, THAT ALMOST SOUNDED DIRTY, FELLA.

[LAUGHTER]

AS A KID, HALLOWEEN WAS AMAZING.

YOU DRESS LIKE A SUPERHERO.

YOU BANG ON YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOOR.

AND THEY GIVE YOU CANDY.

I DO THAT TODAY AND MY NEIGHBOR WANTS ME ARRESTED.

[LAUGHTER]

PROBABLY BECAUSE I MAKE A HOT CATWOMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CAT NOISES]

KITTY WANTS SOME CANDY.

-[LAUGHTER] -[PURRING]

-[LAUGHTER] -MEOW!

MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW...

REMEMBER THAT FROM MR. ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD?

MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY WONDER WHY WE DO DRUGS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, THAT WAS NEGATIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HOW ABOUT THOSE TRADITIONS, FELLA?

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THAT?

[AS HIMSELF] VALENTINE'S DAY.

THE TRADITION IS WE GIVE EACH OTHER THOSE BIG RED HEARTS

FILLED WITH THE GAMBLE CHOCOLATE.

HAVE YOU EVER EATEN ANY CHOCOLATE OUT OF THOSE BIG RED HEARTS

-WITH ANY CONFIDENCE? -[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THIS COULD EITHER BE REALLY GOOD OR TOTALLY NASTY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M JUST PIG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AW, I GOT THE ONE FILLED WITH TOOTHPASTE!

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA HAVE TO EAT ANOTHER NINE TO GET RID OF THAT FLAVOR.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THERE'S THE BIG RED HEARTS FILLED WITH THE GAMBLE CHOCOLATE.

OR THE TINY, CHALK HEART-SHAPED ANTACIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I MAKE YOU NAUSEOUS,

HERE'S A TUMS WITH "HUG ME" WRITTEN ON IT.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE THAT'LL HELP.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SAINT VALENTINE.

I ASSUME HE'S THE PATRON SAINT OF OVERPRICED GREETING CARDS.

THAT'S AN ODD RITUAL, REALLY.

YOU KNOW, WE GO OUT AND WE BUY CARDS

THAT ALREADY HAVE THINGS WRITTEN IN 'EM.

IT'S LIKE... MMM...

HEY, THAT'S SOMETHING I'D SAY.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ADD MY NAME HERE AT THE BOTTOM.

-[LAUGHTER] -[HUMMING]

-HERE YOU GO! -[LAUGHTER]

YOU LIKE WHAT THAT OTHER GUY WROTE IN THERE?

[LAUGHTER]

IT TOOK ME FIVE SECONDS TO FIND IT.

[LAUGHTER]

COST ME TWO BUCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

GREETING CARDS WOULD MAKE SENSE

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING PROFOUND WRITTEN IN THERE.

BUT IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

-COULDN'T THINK OF THAT YOURSELF? -[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT A SLOGAN MACHINE.

[LAUGHTER]

BIRTHDAYS.

EVERYONE ACTS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY AROUND THEIR BIRTHDAY, DON'T THEY?

YOU EVER HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT GIVES YOU THE BIRTHDAY ALERT?

HEY, JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW, NEXT TUESDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW I'M NOT GETTING YOU ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY GIVE THE--

THEY GIVE THE ALERT 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE

IN OUR SOCIETY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO WORK ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING LAUNDRY ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PAYING FOR SEX ON MY BIRTHDAY.

[LAUGHTER]

RIP-OFF.

[APPLAUSE]

IT IS FUN GETTING THOSE GIFTS, HUH?

IT CAN BE HARD TO GIVE A GIFT.

IT'S A GAMBLE. YOU KNOW, I--

IT'S HARD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE STILL GIVING CLOTHING AS A GIFT.

'CAUSE WHENEVER YOU GET CLOTHING AS A PRESENT,

YOU ALWAYS OPEN IT UP AND YOU THINK, NOT EVEN CLOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE PERSON THAT GIVES IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,

YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST THROW IT OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T GIVE ME AN ERRAND.

[LAUGHTER]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WHY DON'T YOU HEAD TO THE MALL FOR ME?

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU GET MY DRY CLEANING, THAT'D BE AWESOME.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A ROBE FOR CHRISTMAS.

I REMEMBER LOOKING AT THE ROBE, THINKING,

WOW, HOPE I GET THE FLU SO I CAN WEAR IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, WHO HAS THE TIME TO ENJOY A ROBE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT, ARE WE ABOUT TO SHOOT A PORNO?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A WEIRD PIECE OF CLOTHING.

HOW'D WE EVEN COME UP WITH THE ROBE?

WAS SOME GUY LIKE, HEY, I GOT AN IDEA!

HOW ABOUT WE MAKE A COAT OUT OF A TOWEL?

[LAUGHTER]

THERE COULD BE A BELT THAT GOES AROUND.

YOU COULD DUNK THE BELT IN THE TOILET.

[LAUGHTER]

BE A TOILET BELT.

[LAUGHTER]

THE INDOOR JACKET, THE ROBE.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEONE OUTSIDE IN A ROBE?

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ESCAPED FROM THE LOONY BIN.

-[LAUGHTER] -UH, JUST GETTING THE PAPER.

-BEFORE THE MONSTERS DO, RIGHT? -[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THE ONLY TIME I EVER WEAR A ROBE IS WHEN I'M STAYING IN A FANCY HOTEL.

YOU HAVE THAT ROBE IN THE CLOSET.

I ALWAYS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN ROOM SERVICE COMES

AND I'M IN A ROBE.

LIKE I'M TRYING TO SEDUCE THE ROOM SERVICE GUY.

-[LAUGHTER] -HELLO, WELCOME TO MY ROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M IN MY ROBE AND HERE'S THE BED I RENTED.

[LAUGHTER]

IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO TO BE MORE CREEPY?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, HE WAS BELIEVABLE

-AS THE CREEPY GUY. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT REMINDED ME OF HIS CATWOMAN.

-[LAUGHTER] -[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] SCARY.

[AS HIMSELF] DID YOU EVER GET A CANDLE AS A GIFT?

HEY, THANKS.

YOU KNOW I HAVE ELECTRICITY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, IF MY PLACE SMELLS, JUST LET ME KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, THIS IS PERFECT.

NOW I KNOW WHAT I'M GIVING YOU NEXT YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

[WHISPERS] THIS.

YOUR CANDLE GIFTS.

IT'S A GAMBLE WITH GIFTS, YOU KNOW?

STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS A GIFT.

BIG BEAUTIFUL STATUE, GIFT FROM THE FRENCH.

GOOD THING THAT STATUE'S BEAUTIFUL

'CAUSE IF IT WAS UGLY THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD.

FRENCH WOULD HAVE COME OVER, WHERE'S THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?

YEAH, UH... THAT'S IN THE DESERT IN ARIZONA.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, WE THOUGHT IT REALLY COMPLEMENTED THE DESERT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE AWKWARD IF WE REGIFTED THE STATUE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE'S THAT GIGANTIC STATUE?

UH... JAPAN WAS HAVING A BIRTHDAY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET 'EM.

WE SAID IT WAS FROM BOTH OF US.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY JUST LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE GIFT I'VE EVER RECEIVED IS A FLASK.

I THINK GIVING SOMEONE A FLASK IS A NICE WAY OF SAYING

HEY, YOU SEEM LIKE A DRUNK ON THE GO.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU STRIKE ME AS NEEDING HARD LIQUOR AT ALL TIMES.

THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU IN YOUR CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T YOU LOVE HOW WE HAVE DIFFERENT CONTAINERS

THAT WE DRINK DIFFERENT ALCOHOL OUT OF? LIKE...

YOU EVER TRY AND DRINK WINE OUT OF ANYTHING BUT A WINE GLASS?

YOU FEEL LIKE A DRUNK.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, CAN YOU REFILL MY YAHTZEE SHAKER?

[LAUGHTER]

HIT THE SIPPY CUP TOO, WILL YOU? DANKE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO MUCH FORMALITY WITH WINE.

LIKE THAT WINE MENU?

DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING AT

WHEN THEY LOOK AT A WINE MENU?

-'CAUSE IF YOU DO, YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC. -[LAUGHTER]

OH YEAH, I HAD THREE OF THESE FOR BREAKFAST.

I ALWAYS MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING FOR THE WAITER'S SUGGESTION.

YES, THAT WINE WOULD COMPLEMENT YOUR MEAL.

-YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO WITH THE $5 BOTTLE. -[LAUGHTER]

-THAT COMPLEMENTS MY WALLET. -[LAUGHTER]

I AM ALWAYS ASKING THE WAITER'S ADVICE,

WHICH IS ODD, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, HEY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME

BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD EAT?

[LAUGHTER]

IS IT TIME FOR A HAIRCUT?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S UP TO YOU 'CAUSE YOU'RE A STRANGER.

-[LAUGHTER] -AND I'M WEIRD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER HAVE THE WAITER STRONGLY RECOMMEND SOMETHING?

YOU FEEL KIND OF GUILTY NOT GETTING IT.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GET THAT,

BUT I'M JUST GOING TO GET WHAT I WANT.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I'M STILL PAYING, RIGHT, PUSHY?

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU BACK OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE SHOULD BE NICER TO THE WAITSTAFF.

IT'S AN ODD RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE WITH THE WAITER.

OCCASIONALLY, THE WAITER WILL TELL YOU THEIR NAME.

WE NEVER GIVE OURS.

THEY'RE LIKE, HEY HOW YOU DOING? I'M YOUR WAITER, MY NAME'S PHIL.

-YEAH, I'LL HAVE THE CHICKEN. -[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU BEAT IT?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU NEVER REALLY USE THE NAME.

YOU KNOW, I'M OUT OF WATER. [SHOUTING] PHIL!

-[LAUGHTER] -PHIL!

HOO-HOO!

-PHILLY! -[LAUGHTER]

I DO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THE WAITER'S DOING THE SPECIALS.

IT-- IT'S KIND OF A SEMI-CONVERSATION.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, SPECIALS.

WE HAVE A SEA BASS WHICH IS BROILED.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, UH, AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER]

-UH, PASS! -[LAUGHTER]

I EXERT SO MUCH ENERGY ACTING LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN THE SPE--

[GASP] THAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?

[LAUGHTER]

-OH, MY GOD! -[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GETTING ANY OF THIS CRAP.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S A CLUE: IF IT'S THAT SPECIAL, PUT IT ON THE MENU.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, THAT IS SO TRUE.

[AS HIMSELF] I DO LOVE GOING OUT TO DINNER.

YEAH, I ALWAYS GET THE APPETIZER.

BECAUSE THE APPETIZER'S JUST AN EXCUSE FOR AN EXTRA MEAL.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S SEE, I WILL START WITH THE 80 BUFFALO WINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND DO YOU HAVE A LOW-CAL BLUE CHEESE?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FILL UP TOO MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT AN APPETIZER IS

TO SOMEONE FROM A STARVING COUNTRY.

YOU'D BE LIKE, YEAH, THE APPETIZER?

THAT'S FOOD WE EAT BEFORE WE HAVE OUR FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, NO, YOU'RE THINKING OF DESSERT.

THAT'S FOOD WE HAVE AFTER WE HAVE OUR FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, WE EAT TONS OF FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETIMES THERE'S SO MUCH,

WE JUST STICK IT IN A BAG, BRING IT HOME.

YOU EVER GET THE DOGGY BAG?

YOU'RE LIKE, NO, NO, PUT THIS IN A BOX, IN A BAG.

AND I'LL BRING IT HOME AND THROW IT OUT TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT IS SO TRUE.

THAT'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] GOING OUT TO DINNER IS A LITTLE WEIRD.

I MEAN, I ENJOY BREAD IN EVERYDAY LIFE,

BUT WHEN I GO OUT TO DINNER, SUDDENLY I CRAVE BREAD.

BREAD? THEY'VE GOT BREAD HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WE SHOULD HAVE BREAD AT HOME.

[LAUGHTER]

-WE GOTTA GET THE RECIPE FOR BREAD. -[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER EAT THE WHOLE BASKET OF BREAD

AND YOU STILL WANT MORE?

IT'S KIND OF AWKWARD ASKING THE WAITER

FOR SECONDS ON BREAD.

YEAH, CAN WE HAVE SOME MORE OF THAT FREE BREAD?

CAN YOU CANCEL MY ENTREE?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST GOING TO LOAD UP ON THE BREAD.

ARE THERE OTHER FREE THINGS HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

I PREFER THE FREE STUFF MORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM TRYING TO LAY OFF THE CARBS.

I'M A VEGETARIAN NOW. ANYONE A VEGETARIAN?

-[APPLAUSE] -YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

I'M NOT A STRICT VEGETARIAN. I EAT BEEF AND PORK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND CHICKEN.

BUT NOT FISH, 'CAUSE THAT'S DISGUSTING.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN FISH GOES BAD?

-IT SMELLS LIKE FISH EITHER WAY. -[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THIS SMELLS LIKE A DUMPSTER. LET'S EAT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO ONE REALLY LIKES FISH. THEY JUST WON'T ADMIT IT.

THEY'RE LIKE, I LIKE FISH,

JUST AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE FISH.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, I DON'T THINK YOU LIKE FISH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ALMOST POSITIVE FISH IS SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE FISH.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOOD ON FISH?

ANYTHING THAT KILLS THE TASTE OF FISH.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW ABOUT RELISH IN A GALLON OF MAYO?

-THAT'LL DO THE JOB. -[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF WE SQUEEZE A LEMON AND WRAP IT IN SEAWEED

-AND COVER IT IN SOY SAUCE? -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S ANTI-FISH.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] AND WE'RE RIGHT NEXT TO LAKE MICHIGAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM AMAZED THAT WE'RE STILL SERVING FISH WITH THE HEADS ON THERE.

DON'T YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THAT EYE IS LOOKING AT YOU?

HEY, YOU DON'T MIND IF I WATCH WHILE YOU EAT MY BODY, DO YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T BE DISTRACTED IF A LITTLE TEAR COMES OUT.

YOU CAN JUST TELL YOURSELF IT'S BUTTER.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, WHAT IF A FISH WAS IN THE AUDIENCE?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD FOR ALL OF US.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT COULD HAPPEN.

-LAKE MICHIGAN'S RIGHT THERE, BUDDY. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THE FISH WOULD LAUGH

-BUT ON THE INSIDE, IT'D BE CRYING. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] SAD.

YOU AND YOUR FISH HEAD JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

OBVIOUSLY SOME PEOPLE PREFER IT LIKE THAT.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE FISH.

KEEP THE HEAD ON THERE AND, UH, FIND OUT IF IT HAD A NICKNAME.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWHO.

[LAUGHTER]

PIG ROAST.

PIG ROAST, WE ALWAYS HAVE THAT PIG HEAD SITTING THERE.

WHICH IS SAD, 'CAUSE YOU CAN TELL THEY KILLED THE PIG

-WHEN IT WAS EATING AN APPLE. -[LAUGHTER]

HEY PIG, YOU WANT AN APPLE?

SURE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SPEAR?

OW!

[LAUGHTER]

MID-BITE EVERY TIME.

AT LEAST THOSE ANIMALS AREN'T ALIVE, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I GO IN A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.

THEY HAVE THAT LOBSTER TANK SITTING THERE.

ALL THE LOBSTERS ARE PEERING OUT LIKE,

-HEY, WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR? -[LAUGHTER]

-UH, I'M HERE TO EAT YOU. -[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, RIGHT! HEY, HARVEY, THIS GUY--

HARVEY?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, AND HARVEY WAS GONE.

[LAUGHTER]

MY NIECE IS NINE YEARS OLD.

SHE INFORMED ME SHE'S A VEGETARIAN.

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE PULLED THAT WHEN I WAS A KID.

UH, NO, THANKS, DAD. I'M A VEGETARIAN.

NO SON OF MINE'S GAY!

[LAUGHTER]

-EAT YOUR MEAT, PUSSY. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HIS DAD SOUNDED SCARY.

[WHISPERS] HE'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] YOU EVER EAT FAST FOOD IN FRONT OF A VEGETARIAN?

THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU'RE BARBECUING A KITTEN.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE EATING THAT?

YEAH, AND I'M NOT GONNA DIGEST IT FOR A DECADE.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ COME ALONG WITH ME ♪

I DO LOVE THE VEGETARIANS THOUGH.

I ALWAYS GET A KICK OUT OF WHEN THEY TRY AND IMPRESS YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE, I HAVEN'T HAD MEAT IN FIVE YEARS.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BANANA IN A MONTH.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T SEE ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO THOSE CHICKENS?

NO, BUT IT'S DELICIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE ANIMALS.

I JUST LOVE TO EAT THEM MORE.

[LAUGHTER]

FUN TO PET, BETTER TO CHEW.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO FEEL BAD THEY HAVE TO BE KILLED.

I'D PREFER IT WAS LIKE AN ANIMAL SUICIDE.

MAYBE THE ANIMAL DESERVED IT.

THIS IS A GOOD CHICKEN SANDWICH.

I THINK THIS BASTARD TRIED TO STEAL MY CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD WORK, ROGER!

[LAUGHTER]

-[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] WHO'S ROGER? -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO HARVEY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHO SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN NEVER REALLY BE A VEGETARIAN THOUGH.

I LOVE STEAK TOO MUCH.

STEAK'S LIKE THE TUXEDO OF MEAT, ISN'T IT?

AND BOLOGNA'S THE RETARDED COUSIN.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE EATIN' STEAK, SOMETHING SPECIAL'S HAPPENING.

IF YOU'RE EATING BOLOGNA, YOU MIGHT BE SPECIAL.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, I LIKE BOLOGNA, JERK HEAD!

-YOUR ACT IS BOLOGNA. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] YOUR BOLOGNA HAS A LAST NAME

AND IT'S GAFFIGAN.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] BOLOGNA HATER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHENEVER I DO GET A STEAK,

I ALWAYS GET A SALAD, THINKING THAT'LL BALANCE IT OUT.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE 20 POUNDS OF MEAT AND TWO LEAVES OF LETTUCE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT SHOULD COVER IT.

I DO LOVE SALADS.

WELL, I SHOULD SAY I LOVE SALAD DRESSING

WITH JUST A TOUCH OF LETTUCE.

[LAUGHTER]

OTHERWISE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EATING A BAG OF YARDWORK.

[LAUGHTER]

IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH CHEESE YOU HAVE TO PUT ON A SALAD

TO MAKE IT APPEALING.

YEAH, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE CHEESE

AND CAN YOU THROW IN A SNICKER'S BAR?

[LAUGHTER]

INSTEAD OF THE LETTUCE, CAN I GET FRENCH FRIES?

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU GO OUT TO DINNER,

THEY ALWAYS TRY AND IMPROVE THE SALAD.

THEY'RE LIKE, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRESH PEPPER ON YOUR SALAD?

CAN ANYONE TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRESH AND STALE PEPPER?

[LAUGHTER]

-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! -[LAUGHTER]

THIS ISN'T FRESH PEPPER. I GREW UP ON A PEPPER FARM.

-[LAUGHTER] -SOME STALE ASS PEPPER.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T EVEN TASTE THE PEPPER.

THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE LIKE,

WOULD YOU LIKE US TO WAVE THIS WOODEN WAND OVER YOUR SALAD?

[LAUGHTER]

UH, ALL RIGHT.

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

ENJOY YOUR MAGIC SALAD!

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GETTING A MAGIC SALAD.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE REALLY, NONE OF US WANT SALAD.

WE HAVE TO TRICK OURSELVES INTO EATING SALAD.

YOU WANT A SALAD?

NO, NO.

YOU CAN GO TO THE SALAD BAR.

-BAR? -[LAUGHTER]

ARE THERE GOING TO BE WOMEN OVER THERE?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL OF A SALAD BAR.

I GO OUT TO DINNER SO I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN FOOD.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN SALAD?

HERE'S OUR SALAD BAR AND OVER THERE'S OUR DISH-WASHING BAR.

[LAUGHTER]

-AWESOME! -[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF THOSE ITEMS AT THE SALAD BAR, TOO.

THEY'VE GOT LETTUCE, TOMATOES, A TUB OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHO'S PUTTING CHOCOLATE PUDDING ON THEIR SALAD?

WHAT IS THIS, FEAR FACTOR?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, THAT'S A GOOD SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I LIKE THAT SHOW, IT'S NEAT.

[AS HIMSELF] IT'S HARD TO EAT HEALTHY. IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE, TOO.

SHOULD I HAVE THIS SALAD FOR 12 BUCKS

OR THESE EIGHT HAMBURGERS FOR A NICKEL?

[LAUGHTER]

-SORRY, SALAD. -[LAUGHTER]

MOST HEALTH FOOD GETS CORRUPTED ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE GRANOLA BAR.

THAT'S BEEN COMPLETELY CORRUPTED.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW INITIALLY, SOME GUY WAS LIKE,

HEY, KIDS ARE EATING CANDY BARS, RIGHT?

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS SHAPE GRANOLA LIKE A CANDY BAR,

KIDS'LL EAT THE GRANOLA.

AND THEN, LIKE A WEEK LATER,

UH, BILL, KIDS ARE NOT EATING THESE GRANOLA BARS.

[SCOFFS] ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS PUT CHOCOLATE CHIPS IN THE GRANOLA BAR.

KIDS'LL EAT THE GRANOLA.

UH, BILL, KIDS ARE PICKING THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS OUT

OF THE GRANOLA BAR.

[SCOFFS] HEY.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS COVER IT IN CHOCOLATE.

[LAUGHTER]

-GET RID OF THE FREAKIN' GRANOLA. -[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA TELL YOU HOW TO DO EVERYTHING?

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S GOING TO BE SUED BY KUDOS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] WHEN DID THE MAFIA GET INVOLVED IN GRANOLA?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] RIDICULOUS.

[AS HIMSELF] YOU EVER EAT A KUDOS AND YOU'RE LIKE,

WELL, MIGHT AS WELL FINISH OFF THE WHOLE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

IF I'M GONNA EAT HEALTHY, I'M GONNA EAT REAL HEALTHY.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S ALL RELATIVE, EATING HEALTHY.

I MEAN I EAT KIND OF HEALTHY,

COMPARED TO SOME OF THE ESKIMOS UP IN ALASKA.

THEY'RE EATING BLUBBER UP THERE.

I'M PRACTICALLY STARVING MYSELF ON MY CINNABON.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M MEAN, WHALE BLUBBER, THAT'S LIKE EATING A FAT GUY, ISN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY ALASKA IS PART OF THE UNITED STATES.

CANADIANS WENT IN THERE, SAW THEM EATING BLUBBER,

AND WERE LIKE, OH, THE AMERICANS ALREADY GOT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, THAT'S LIKE A GEOGRAPHY JOKE.

BUDDY, I WOULD'VE BROUGHT MY GLOBE IF I NEEDED IT.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I FELT LIKE THAT WAS ANTI-ESKIMO.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M MOVING A LITTLE SLOW TONIGHT.

I HAD A HOT POCKET FOR DINNER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD TO SEE I'M NOT THE ONLY WHITE TRASH HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I BUY THE HOT POCKETS.

I GO IN GROCERY STORES,

-I'M LIKE, EH, I'LL GET THESE. -[LAUGHTER]

I'VE NEVER EATEN A HOT POCKET

AND THEN AFTERWARDS BEEN, I'M GLAD I ATE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

-I'M ALWAYS LIKE, I'M GONNA DIE. -[LAUGHTER]

-I PAID FOR THAT? -[LAUGHTER]

DID I EAT IT OR RUB IT ON MY FACE?

[LAUGHTER]

MY BACK HURTS.

[LAUGHTER]

OW.

I WAS LOOKING AT A BOX OF HOT POCKETS.

THEY HAVE A WARNING PRINTED ON THE SIDE.

IT'S LIKE, WARNING! YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS!

HOPE YOU'RE DRUNK OR HEADING HOME TO A TRAILER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HILLBILLY, ENJOY THE NEXT NASCAR EVENT.

[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKETS! ♪

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I LIKE NASCAR. HE'S A JERK.

[LAUGHTER]

NEVER REALLY SEE THAT ON A MENU WHEN YOU GO OUT TO DINNER.

LET'S SEE, I'LL HAVE THE CAESAR SALAD AND THE HOT POCKET.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, TONIGHT'S SPECIALS, WE HAVE A SEA BASS, WHICH IS BROILED.

AND WE HAVE A HOT POCKET...

WHICH IS COOKED IN A DIRTY MICROWAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT COMES WITH A SIDE OF PEPTO.

IS YOUR HOT POCKET COLD IN THE MIDDLE?

IT'S FROZEN.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT CAN BE SERVED BOILING LAVA HOT.

[LAUGHTER]

WILL IT BURN MY MOUTH?

IT'LL DESTROY YOUR MOUTH.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYTHING'LL TASTE LIKE RUBBER FOR A MONTH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL HAVE THE HOT POCKET.

[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪

[LAUGHTER]

HOT POCKETS, YOU KNOW? THEY HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND THAT LONG.

LIKE, 10 YEARS? HOW'D THEY COME UP WITH THAT?

WAS THERE SOME GUY IN A MARKETING MEETING, LIKE,

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW 'BOUT WE FILL A POP-TART WITH NASTY MEAT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU COULD COOK IT IN A SLEEVE THING...

AND YOU COULD DUNK IT IN THE TOILET.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] THERE IS THE VEGETARIAN HOT POCKET,

FOR THOSE OF US THAT DON'T WANT TO EAT MEAT,

-BUT STILL WOULD LIKE DIARRHEA. -[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

IT SHOULD JUST COME WITH A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

[LAUGHTER]

-[SINGS] ♪ DIARRHEA POCKET ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER NOTICE THERE'S NO DIGNIFIED WAY TO BUY TOILET PAPER?

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY THAT MULTI-PACK OF LIKE 18 ROLLS.

STICK IT IN YOUR CART. EVERYONE IN THE STORE'S LIKE,

DOES THAT GUY EVER LEAVE THE BATHROOM?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT, IS HE LIVING OFF OF HOT POCKETS?

-[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THE LEAN POCKET.

I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

IMAGINE THE DIRECTIONS.

TAKE OUT OF BOX, PLACE DIRECTLY IN TOILET.

[LAUGHTER]

[SINGS] ♪ FLUSH POCKET ♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

♪ POCKET, POCKET, POCKET, POCKET ♪

RECENTLY THEY INTRODUCED THE BREAKFAST HOT POCKET.

-FINALLY! -[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO START THE DAY!

-[LAUGHTER] -GOOD MORNING!

-YOU'RE ABOUT TO CALL IN SICK. -[LAUGHTER]

[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

NOW YOU CAN HAVE A HOT POCKET FOR BREAKFAST,

A HOT POCKET FOR LUNCH,

AND BE DEAD BY DINNER.

[SINGS] ♪ DEAD POCKET ♪

[LAUGHTER]

I DO LOVE THAT JINGLE.

DO YOU THINK THEY WORKED HARD ON THAT SONG?

WHAT DO YOU GOT SO FAR, BILL?

UH, UH...

[SINGS FEEBLY] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪

-[LAUGHTER] -THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S VERY GOOD.

NOT AS GOOD AS YOUR "BY MENNEN," BUT IT'S GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW WHAT ARE WE GOING TO RUN IN MEXICO?

-[SINGS] ♪ CALIENTE POCKET ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

YOU'VE GOT A GIFT, MY FRIEND.

DON'T HIDE THAT IN A BUSHEL BASKET!

-[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR A CHICKEN POT PIE HOT POCKET.

NOW THEY'RE JUST MESSING WITH US.

-[LAUGHTER] -IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

HAVE YOU TRIED THE HOT POCKET HOT POCKET?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A HOT POCKET FILLED WITH A HOT POCKET.

[LAUGHTER]

-TASTES JUST LIKE A HOT POCKET. -[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA GO AND STICK MY HEAD IN THE MICROWAVE.

-♪ HOT POCKET! ♪ -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE WENT CRAZY UP THERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING AT THE END THERE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS ON DRUGS OR SOMETHING.

VERY WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] I, UH-- I AM ALSO AN ACTOR.

BUT I, UH--

I WISH I WAS A FILM DIRECTOR, JUST IN EVERYDAY LIFE.

SO WHEN SOMEONE WAS TELLING ME A REALLY BORING STORY I COULD JUST GO,

-AND... CUT. -[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T FINISH.

-WE GOT IT! -[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A WRAP.

THAT WOULD COME IN HANDY.

YOU COME HOME LATE.

YOUR WIFE'S LIKE, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

-AND... CUT. -[LAUGHTER]

OK, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

THIS TIME, YOU DON'T CARE WHERE I WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

IN FACT, YOU'RE HAPPY TO SEE ME. LET'S TRY IT TOPLESS.

-ACTION! -[APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S A JERK.

THAT GUY'S A JERK.

[AS HIMSELF] I DO HAVE A WIFE. I GOT MARRIED.

MY WIFE CHANGED HER NAME.

I KNOW SOME WOMEN HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BUT...

I WANTED HER TO HAVE MY OLD GIRLFRIEND'S NAME.

[LAUGHTER]

SO CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED.

BUT THIS FELLA DOES WHAT THE BIBLE TELLS HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THE BIBLE DOESN'T SAY THAT AT ALL.

-HE'S DUMB AS A ROCK. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS HIMSELF] I DON'T THINK MY WIFE'S PARENTS LIKE ME, THOUGH.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE'S MOTHER,

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HUG HER AND GO...

-[SEDUCTIVE VOICE] OH, YEAH... -[LAUGHTER]

-THIS FEELS RIGHT. -[LAUGHTER]

AND IF THEIR DAD'S SHORT, DON'T TRY AND PICK HIM UP.

[LAUGHTER]

-OH, YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BABY DADDY. -[LAUGHTER]

[SINGING] ♪ IT'S A BABY DADDY ♪

WHEEEEE!

[APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] STRANGE.

[AS HIMSELF] I DO LOVE BEING MARRIED.

I HATED BEING SINGLE, YOU KNOW?

THE WORST IS WHEN YOU ASK SOMEONE OUT AND THEY TURN YOU DOWN.

'CAUSE REALLY WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE EATING A FREE MEAL AROUND YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU MAKE ME WANNA GO ON A DIET.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT ALWAYS GOES BACK TO FOOD WITH HIM.

SAD.

IT'S AN ISSUE.

[AS HIMSELF] I LOVE MY WIFE.

BUT RECENTLY, SHE HAS GOTTEN VERY LAZY.

OR AS SHE DESCRIBES IT, PREGNANT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT.

DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T MOVE THOSE CINDER BLOCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OK, HE BETTER BE JOKING.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T FUNNY, FELLA.

[LAUGHTER]

PREGNANCY IS AN AMAZING SACRIFICE, ISN'T IT?

OCCASIONALLY, MY WIFE DOES COMPLAIN.

YOU KNOW, I'M TIRED, I'M HUNGRY

I'M COLD, LET ME BACK INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

MOVE THOSE CINDER BLOCKS, I'LL LET YOU BACK IN.

[LAUGHTER]

A DEAL'S A DEAL.

[LAUGHTER]

WE ALREADY HAVE ONE DAUGHTER.

WE DID A HOME BIRTH.

IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT,

THAT MEANS YOU TAKE THE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE

-AND JUST THROW THAT AWAY. -[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU WING IT!

HEY, I CAN'T PROGRAM A VCR.

-I'M HERE TO HELP. -[LAUGHTER]

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO STAND TERRIFIED?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THAT WILL BE MY CONTRIBUTION.

I DID LEARN A LOT. I TELL YA.

I COULD NEVER HAVE A BABY

-'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A UTERUS. -[LAUGHTER]

BUT EVEN IF I DID HAVE A UTERUS,

I DON'T THINK I COULD DO IT, LADIES.

I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE SEX WITH A MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

UNLESS HE LOOKED LIKE ME.

THEN IT WOULD BE HOT.

[LAUGHTER]

-SOME JIM ON JIM ACTION. -[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

WHITENESS LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] I DO LOVE BEING A DAD THOUGH.

PEOPLE TREAT YOU DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING A NEWBORN.

-ESPECIALLY IN STRIP CLUBS. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, THAT WAS A TRICK JOKE, FELLA.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT WAS A TRICK ONE.

TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK.

[AS HIMSELF] I DID NOTHING TODAY.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE ACTIVITY.

I, UH--

-[SCATTERED CLAPPING] -SOME OTHER LAZY PEOPLE.

THERE YOU GO.

I LOVE DOING NOTHING.

YOU CAN'T TELL PEOPLE YOU DO NOTHING, THOUGH.

THEY'RE LIKE, WE WENT SHOPPING TODAY. WHAT'D YOU DO?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

OH, WELL, YOU COULD'VE COME WITH US.

-I'D RATHER DIE. -[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I LOVE RAINY DAYS.

YOU WAKE UP, YOU'RE LIKE,

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT DOING CRAP TODAY, HUH?

IT'S TOO BAD. I WAS PROBABLY GONNA GO KAYAKING.

[LAUGHTER]

CLIMB A GIANT ROCK OR SOMETHING.

-BUT NOW I'LL PROBABLY JUST NAP. -[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER NOT GO OUTSIDE ALL DAY AND THEN WHEN YOU FINALLY DO,

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EXPLORING ANOTHER PLANET?

[LAUGHTER]

-OH, IT IS LOUD OUT HERE. -[LAUGHTER]

THE AIR MOVES AND EVERYTHING, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU STAY UP LATE ENOUGH, THERE'S NO PRESSURE TO DO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE LIKE, 3:00 AM? I'M NOT GONNA DO LAUNDRY LIKE A WEIRDO.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GOING TO DOWNLOAD PORN LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S NOT NORMAL AT ALL.

IT IS CRAZY HOW THE INTERNET AND EMAILS CHANGED OUR LIVES.

YOU EVER GET A HANDWRITTEN LETTER IN THE MAIL TODAY?

-YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT THE HELL? -[LAUGHTER]

-HAS SOMEONE BEEN KIDNAPPED? -[LAUGHTER]

HUH, I'M NOT OPENING IT. IT'S PROBABLY FILLED WITH ANTHRAX

-OR SOMETHING. -[LAUGHTER]

AND EMAILS DEFINITELY MADE SENDING REGULAR MAIL A CHORE.

YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT, I STUCK IT IN AN ENVELOPE.

-NOW I GOTTA GO OUTSIDE? -[LAUGHTER]

-WHAT AM I, A TRIATHLETE HERE? -[LAUGHTER]

WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT SENDS REALLY LONG EMAILS?

YOU OPEN THEM UP, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU GOT HOMEWORK.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T READ THIS DISSERTATION NOW.

-I'M GONNA KEEP THAT AS NEW. -[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER EVEN READ THEM HALF THE TIME.

I JUST HIT REPLY. SOUNDS GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T WRITE BACK, EVER.

EMAIL IS SO EASY THOUGH.

EXCEPT WHEN I HAVE TO WRITE AN EMAIL TO A REALLY SMART PERSON.

I GET ALL TENSE.

I'M LIKE, GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO BE SURE THIS IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

-GUESS I'LL CAPITALIZE A LETTER OR TWO. -[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A SYMPTOM OF BEING LAZY:

WHEN YOU CAN'T QUITE REACH THE SHIFT KEY.

-[LAUGHTER] -UHHHH!

-THEY GET THE IDEA. -[LAUGHTER]

THANK GOD FOR SPELL CHECK, HUH?

SPELL CHECK SAVES ME CONSTANTLY.

I GET SUCH AN ATTITUDE WITH SPELL CHECK THOUGH.

LIKE, NO!

-THAT'S A PERSON'S NAME, SPELL CHECK! -[LAUGHTER]

-YOU ARE SO DUMB, SPELL CHECK! -[LAUGHTER]

I WAS RIGHT. YOU WERE WRONG.

-OH, THAT IS HOW YOU SPELL WEDNESDAY. -[LAUGHTER]

THANKS, SPELL CHECK.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE WAS TALKING TO SPELL CHECK.

[WHISPERS] SPELL CHECK.

[AS HIMSELF] I AM A HORRIBLE SPELLER.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A POOR SPELLER WHEN YOU'RE WRITING SOMETHING

AND YOU HAVE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT

BASED ON THE WORDS YOU KNOW HOW TO SPELL.

[LAUGHTER]

HMM, NO ONE'S HERE, I'LL LEAVE A NOTE.

GUESS I'LL SEE YOU, TOMOR-- TOMORR--

-NEXT WEEK. -[LAUGHTER]

-I GOT TO GET SPELL CHECK FOR THIS PEN. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THIS GUY'S WEIRD.

[AS HIMSELF] WE'RE ALL A LITTLE WEIRD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE LIKE TO THINK THERE'S SOMEONE WEIRDER.

I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME GOING,

WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRD AS GAFFIGAN.

AND THEN I'M THINKING,

WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRD AS THOSE PEOPLE IN THE LOONY BIN.

AND THEN THE PEOPLE IN THE LOONY BIN ARE GOING,

-WELL, AT LEAST I'M AN ORANGE. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, I LIKE ORANGES.

[AS HIMSELF] THERE'S SO MANY WEIRD SITUATIONS IN LIFE ANYWAY.

YOU EVER MIX TWO DIFFERENT GROUPS OF FRIENDS?

THAT CAN BE STRESSFUL.

YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO PREP THEM.

YOU'RE LIKE, HEY YEAH, UM, UH...

THESE PEOPLE OVER HERE, UH, THEY DON'T THINK I DRINK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND DON'T BE THROWN BY MY BRITISH ACCENT.

[LAUGHTER]

GO ALONG WITH IT.

I LOVE WHEN I'M IN BIG CITIES LIKE CHICAGO

AND I SEE A POLICEMAN ON A HORSE.

FOR A SECOND I'M ALWAYS LIKE, DID CANADA INVADE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'D, WHAT'D YOU COME FROM A TIME MACHINE?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEE THE POLICEMAN ON THE HORSE?

THEY ALWAYS HAVE THAT LOOK LIKE, WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ON A TWO-TON ANIMAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGHWAY.

-[LAUGHTER] -WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

YOU THINK THAT HORSE EVER COMES IN HANDY?

THERE'S SOME ROBBERY, YOU KNOW--

COP, I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY-- OH, IS THAT A PONY?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES] I LOVE PONIES.

-[LAUGHTER] -CAN I PET YOUR PONY?

POLICEMEN ON THE HORSE.

THEY PROBABLY RARELY GO UNDERCOVER, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

CAN'T REALLY SEE THEM INFILTRATING THE MAFIA.

[ITALIAN ACCENT] HEY, IT'S VINNY THE HORSE.

VINNY THE HORSE, WHY YOU ALWAYS ON A HORSE?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT WAS THE WORST ITALIAN-AMERICAN

-IMPRESSION I'VE EVER HEARD. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

[AS HIMSELF] I LOVE HOW WE MEASURE THE DIFFICULTY OF EVERYTHING

VERSUS BRAIN SURGERY.

HEY, IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

WHAT DO BRAIN SURGEONS SAY?

LIKE, HEY IT AIN'T LIKE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, I'M A BRAIN SURGEON, BUDDY.

AND I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT.

-HE MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS HIMSELF] I DO WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE.

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE... HE BETTER NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE RELIGIOUS OR NOT.

DOES ANYTHING MAKES YOU FEEL MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN SOME STRANGER GOING,

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I'D LIKE YOU NOT TO.

[LAUGHTER]

WE COULD SAY THAT TO THE POPE.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

YOU'D BE LIKE, EASY, FREAK.

[LAUGHTER]

-I KEEP WORK AT WORK. -[LAUGHTER]

HAVE TO ADMIT THAT WAS A GOOD IMPRESSION OF THE POPE.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE BIBLE MYSELF.

I HAVEN'T READ IT, 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO,

-'CAUSE I'M CATHOLIC. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, HE'S GOING TO HELL.

[AS HIMSELF] NOT A LOT OF CATHOLICS HAVE READ THE BIBLE.

IT'S A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON RULES FOR CATHOLICS.

IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER RELIGIONS.

HINDUS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT MEAT. THEY DON'T EAT MEAT.

CATHOLICS ARE LIKE, ONLY EAT FISH ON FRIDAYS.

UNLESS YOU FORGET.

[LAUGHTER]

-AH, DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. -[LAUGHTER]

-WE'LL SEE YOU AT EASTER. -[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE-- MY WIFE'S REALLY CATHOLIC.

-SHE'S LIKE A SHIITE CATHOLIC. -[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT DIABLO.

SO I JOKE AROUND WITH HER, I'LL CALL HER UP.

SHE'LL SAY, WHO IS THIS?

-AND I'LL JUST GO, [DEEP VOICE] THE DEVIL. -[LAUGHTER]

SHE BRINGS ME TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY.

IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A CATHOLIC MASS,

THAT IS THE LONGEST EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE.

MAKES YOU LOOK FORWARD TO GOING TO THE DMV.

[LAUGHTER]

AT TIMES IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE DRAGGING CHURCH OUT ON PURPOSE.

[SINGS] ♪ AH, AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ AH, AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ AH, AH, AH ♪

-AMEN, ALREADY! -[LAUGHTER]

LET'S WRAP IT UP! I'VE GOT SOME SINNING TO DO.

[LAUGHTER]

TOO MUCH STANDING INVOLVED IN CHURCH.

-CAN'T I LIE DOWN AND WORSHIP? -[LAUGHTER]

WHILE I'M EATING A... [SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKET ♪

[LAUGHTER]

[SINGS] ♪ GOD POCKET ♪

I MOSTLY DAYDREAM IN CHURCH.

I ALWAYS HAVE THAT INTROSPECTIVE LOOK ON MY FACE.

LIKE, HMM.

BUT ON THE INSIDE, I'M LIKE,

-DID I GO TO WENDY'S TWICE YESTERDAY? -[LAUGHTER]

NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN SOMEONE'S PRAYING NEXT TO ME IN CHURCH.

-I'M LIKE, CAN YOU DO THAT OUTSIDE? -[LAUGHTER]

I'M TRYING TO CHECK OUT SOME OF THE LADIES IN HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO HAVE THE DIRTIEST THOUGHTS IN CHURCH.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, PEACE BE WITH YOU,

-AND AN EXTRA PIECE FOR YOU. -[LAUGHTER]

-'CAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. -[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE ALWAYS WANTS ME TO GO TO CONFESSION.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T ENJOY LYING TO A HOLY MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW HONEST PEOPLE ARE BEING IN THERE.

THEY GO IN THERE FOR LIKE A MINUTE AND A HALF.

YEAH, I LIED, I DOUBLE PARK. CAN WE WRAP THIS UP?

-I'M MEETING A HOOKER. -[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, GRAZIE, PADRE.

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT'S SILLY.

[AS HIMSELF] SEEMS LIKE SO MUCH AT CHURCH IS MEMORIZATION.

I HAVE A HORRIBLE MEMORY.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN

WITHOUT THE APPROVED WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[WHISPERS] YOU WENT TOO FAR.

I LOVE DOING THAT JOKE 'CAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS ONE FACE IN THE AUDIENCE,

-YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. -[LAUGHTER]

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I WANT TO BUMP INTO IN HEAVEN.

-BE LIKE, HEY, 'MEMBER ME? -[LAUGHTER]

-YOU'RE HERE? -[LAUGHTER]

-YEAH, PETER LOVES MY STUFF. -[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA BE DOING A SHOW DOWN NEAR THE PEARLY GATES LATER ON.

PEARLY GATES.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT FINDS IT ODD THAT HEAVEN HAS GATES?

GATES?

WHAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD IS HEAVEN IN?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT, DO YOU DIE AND YOU GO TO A GATED COMMUNITY?

-[LAUGHTER] -ARE THE GATES NECESSARY?

YEAH, WE HAD A LOT OF KIDS SNEAKING IN, USING THE POOL.

-[LAUGHTER] -THOSE GATES WEREN'T EASY.

WE HAD TO GO DOWN TO HELL, GET A CONTRACTOR AND EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, I'M A CONTRACTOR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN TV AND FILMS,

WHENEVER THEY SHOW SOMEONE GOING TO HEAVEN,

THEY ALWAYS SHOW THEM GOING UP AN ESCALATOR.

-LIKE HEAVEN'S IN A MALL OR SOMETHING. -[LAUGHTER]

HEY, CAN WE STOP BY ORANGE JULIUS?

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT PLACE ISN'T EVEN OPEN ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK RELIGION'S FASCINATING.

ADAM AND EVE KICKED OUT OF PARADISE FOR EATING AN APPLE.

AN APPLE?

WOULD YOU EVER HAVE BEEN TEMPTED BY AN APPLE?

I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE, COVER IT IN CARAMEL AND COME BACK TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

-YOU GOT ANY CAKE BACK THERE? -[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE CAKE.

JESUS, OF COURSE, WAS A CARPENTER.

WE ALL KNOW THAT.

YOU THINK JESUS WAS A GOOD CARPENTER?

BECAUSE THE BIBLE DOESN'T REALLY ADDRESS IT.

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS BACK THEN? PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN,

GOOD THING THAT MESSIAH THING WORKED OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, HE BUILT A SHED FOR MY COUSIN.

-WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP. -[LAUGHTER]

AND THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S LIKE, I'M THE SON OF GOD.

WELL, RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE BUILDING A SHED.

[LAUGHTER]

-SO HOP TO IT, JESÚS. -[LAUGHTER]

[WHISPERS] TOO FAR.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF I WAS ELECTROCUTED RIGHT NOW?

[MAKES SHOCK SOUNDS]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE DID A JESUS JOKE

-AND HE WAS ELECTROCUTED. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] IT WAS THE BEST SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] AND IT HELPED MY FAITH.

I THINK IT'S FASCIN--

I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE OVERHEARD THAT CONVERSATION,

WHERE MARY EXPLAINED TO JOSEPH THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT.

-[LAUGHTER] -AND JOSEPH WASN'T THE FATHER?

JOSEPH? YEAH.

YEAH, UM, UH...

YOU KNOW WE'VE NEVER MADE LOVE?

-YEAH! -[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, UM, ANYWAY, UH.

LAST NIGHT, AN ANGEL VISITED ME...

-[LAUGHTER] -AND NOW I'M PREGNANT.

-JESUS CHRIST! -[LAUGHTER]

-OH, YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT. -[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WOULD'VE BEEN HARD TO GET JESUS A PRESENT BACK THEN.

'CAUSE WHATEVER YOU GOT HIM AS A PRESENT BACK THEN,

HE MUST HAVE BEEN, OH, A PAIR OF SOCKS, THANKS.

YOU KNOW I'M DYING FOR YOUR SINS, RIGHT?

-[LAUGHTER] -YEAH, BUT THANKS FOR THE SOCKS.

THEY'LL GO GREAT WITH MY SANDALS.

-WHAT AM I, GERMAN? -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I'M OFFENDED ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] WHAT IF MOSES WAS HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

WE ALL KNOW MOSES LED THE ISRAELITES OUT OF EGYPT.

THEY WANDERED IN THE DESERT FOR 40 YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT AFTER A YEAR I WOULD HAVE BEEN,

THIS MOSES DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL HE'S GOING!

[LAUGHTER]

I APPRECIATE HIM GETTING US OUT OF EGYPT.

BUT WE'RE IN THE DESERT, FOLKS...

AS IN NO AGUA.

[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THEY WOULDN'T SAY AGUA.

[LAUGHTER]

AND AFTER MOSES PARTED THE RED SEA, DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

-WAS HE LIKE, TA-DAH! -[LAUGHTER]

-HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES? -[LAUGHTER]

-THAT'LL STOP SOME OF YOUR BITCHING. -[LAUGHTER]

[AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S CHRONOLOGICALLY ACCURATE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS GUY'S GOING TO HELL IN TWO RELIGIONS.

HE'S PRACTICALLY SPRINTING THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T WORRY, YOU KNOW GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

BECAUSE HE WAS TALKING TO MOSES AS A BURNING BUSH.

A BURNING BUSH?

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON MOSES TOLD ABOUT THAT?

YEAH, GOD JUST TALKED TO ME AS A BURNING BUSH.

[LAUGHTER]

-SURE HE DID. -[LAUGHTER]

MOSES, WE THINK MAYBE YOU'VE BEEN BURNING SOME BUSH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ALL FOR ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU GUYS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

-WHAT'S YOUR NAME? -JOSH.

[INDISTINCT]

-PERSONALIZED WOULD BE AWESOME. -OK.

[MAN SHOUTING] CDs FOR SALE OVER HERE.

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I WRITE THANKS FOR THE KISSES?

-YES. -OK.

-HEH-HEH-HEH! -UH-HUH, HUH!

HI.

[IN FALSETTO VOICE] HI. HOW ARE YOU?

[LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT]

-AHHHHH! -[MAN LAUGHING]

[SINGS] ♪ HOT POCKETS ♪

POT PIE EXPRESS. THAT'S WEIRD.

YOU LOVE ME?

-I LOVE YOU... -I AM TELLING YOUR WIFE.

SHE'S RIGHT AROUND HERE.

YOU CAN SIGN IT TO WHOEVER YOU LIKE.

-TO, YOU. -YES.

CAN YOU MAKE IT TO KYM, K-Y-M, MARK, AND BEAN.

THIS IS BEAN.

OH, REALLY?

YOU KNOW... [INAUDIBLE] MY WIFE'S PREGNANT.

-WHEN ARE YOU DUE? -UH, SIX WEEKS.

-WOW, WHAT A... -[WIFE] ME TOO.

ARE YOU REALLY? NOVEMBER 16TH.

[WIFE] OH YEAH? I'M NOVEMBER 20TH.

OH WOW!

WE SHOULD HAVE OUR BABIES, YOU KNOW--

WE'RE HAVING A BOY, I DON'T KNOW...

WE'RE HAVING A BOY TOO.

REALLY? MAYBE THEY'LL BOTH BE GAY AND THEY COULD HANG OUT.

[LAUGHING]

-OH, THAT IS SO FUNNY. -[MAN] OH YES!