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1
00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:03,704
You... You're a thief!
2
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:06,740
Those were gunshots!
3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,641
This is Peter Falk.
4
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,143
Here are some scenes from
the next episode of Columbo.
5
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,545
All the members are tested.
6
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,847
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
7
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:17,284
Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world...
8
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:18,585
and I never even noticed.
9
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:19,953
It might have been a woman.
10
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,623
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
11
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,758
The shots we heard
were on that record.
12
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,627
It's a terrific puzzle.
13
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,056
I wasn't that bright.
14
00:00:57,024 --> 00:01:01,228
So there I was, me, a welder,
in the Sigma Society,
15
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:04,431
with an IQ right at
the top of the scale.
16
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:08,135
And my first thought was,
17
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:12,039
"What a crummy world,
where somebody as smart as me...
18
00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:14,074
is nothing but an ordinary welder."
19
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:17,945
Then I... I got my head straight...
20
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:21,315
and I figured it out that it
was a pretty sensational world...
21
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:25,485
where even welders got a high
enough IQ to be in a Sigma Society.
22
00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:34,127
Not that there's anything wrong
with being a welder.
23
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:37,497
Because I'm gonna tell you
right now that there's nobody...
24
00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:42,769
in this room can even begin
to do what I can do.
25
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,474
You know what I heard
about the Sigma Society?
26
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:51,545
I heard that with all your brains,
the one thing you can't figure out,
27
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:55,248
the one problem you can't solve
is what you're all doing here.
28
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:57,618
I mean what we're all doing here.
29
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:11,131
You've got me crying for you
30
00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:15,769
And as I sit here and sigh
31
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:20,073
Says I, "I can't believe it's true"
32
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:23,377
Boo-hoo
33
00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:29,650
I tell my mama on you
34
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:34,354
The little game that you played
35
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:38,558
Has made her baby oh so blue
36
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:44,431
You left me in the lurch
37
00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:50,771
You left me waiting at the church
38
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:54,074
Boo-hoo
39
00:02:55,308 --> 00:03:00,447
That's why I'm crying for you
40
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:05,185
Someday you'll feel like I do
41
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:09,423
And you'll be boo-hoo-hooin' too
42
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,893
Boo-hoo
43
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:18,832
You've got me crying for you
44
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,569
And as I sit here...
45
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,567
Thank you, Mike, thank you.
46
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,038
Jason, in all due respect to Mike's
lecture on feelings of inadequacy.
47
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:36,076
I thought we were gonna hear from a
computer engineer on intelligent machines.
48
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:39,880
May I ask the program chairman if he
still intends to bring in outside guests?
49
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,549
I'm afraid I was very busy
at the office today.
50
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,752
Didn't have time. Try to do better.
51
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:46,653
Good.
52
00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:49,923
Thank you, Mike, thank you, Mr. Wagner,
thank you, Bertie.
53
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,992
For new business,
ladies and gentlemen,
54
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,895
I have the committee report
on neighborhood crime.
55
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,265
They strongly recommend the
purchase of a burglar alarm.
56
00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:04,504
Miss Eisenback has prepared a study of the
various units available, the advantages...
57
00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:05,972
Good evening, Mr. Brandt.
58
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,074
Good heavens, I am late.
59
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,777
Oliver, we were just
discussing a burglar alarm.
60
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:14,514
Dear me. I didn't know we had
anything worth stealing.
61
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:17,651
Unless, of course,
it's Bertie's incredible brain power.
62
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:21,087
I understand the Russians
have been after him again.
63
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,061
Okay, gang. That's it.
Meeting's adjourned.
64
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:39,105
That, my dear, is the total
history of Bertie's life.
65
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,776
Does the joke always
have to be at my expense?
66
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,144
You two at it, again?
67
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,645
Again and forever.
68
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:49,516
Friends forever.
Partners forever. Right, Bertie?
69
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:51,685
Bertie.
70
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,257
Friends.
71
00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:00,026
There's a good little fellow.
72
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:03,930
Something wrong?
73
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,633
I think I just
drank my contact lens.
74
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,672
It's there. I found it. I'm sorry.
75
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,508
Always sorry.
76
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,477
What are you up to, Caroline?
77
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:21,715
Making an inventory of everything in
the house. For the insurance.
78
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,817
Don't you have to go around
to look at things?
79
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,386
Don't have to look. I remember.
80
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:27,520
Imagine.
81
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,257
While this wine was still
in a French cellar,
82
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,158
you, Caroline,
were being put together...
83
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:35,629
by a confluence of data processors
and memory banks.
84
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,331
Oliver, I have to talk to you.
85
00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:42,068
I want to talk to you, too, Bertie.
Pick a page.
86
00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:46,573
237. Pick a number.
87
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:47,741
12. Even.
88
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:48,808
Odd.
89
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,378
Come along, Bertie.
To the library.
90
00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:55,048
The drinks are on Bertie or on me.
91
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:58,184
A dollar says Brandt wins again.
92
00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,986
It's only luck, you know.
93
00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:04,524
- Page 237, correct?
- Yes.
94
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,193
- Word?
- 12.
95
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,195
All right.
96
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:15,168
Here we are. Carina or car in a.
97
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,872
Six letters. Even.
Drinks are on you, Bertie.
98
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:22,208
Interesting. Carina. We seem
to have forgotten our biology.
99
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:25,345
Carina is a part resembling a ridge...
100
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,648
as on the projection
on the breastbone of a bird.
101
00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:30,884
And that is the word for today.
102
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,153
I didn't come up here
to play games, Oliver!
103
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,754
Nor did I, Bertie.
104
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:37,524
- You've always enjoyed tormenting me.
- Don't be a fool.
105
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,659
School, college,
even our own firm.
106
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:41,895
I've always been
the butt of your jokes.
107
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:45,231
I've always been your friend, Bertie.
Surely you know that.
108
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:49,235
Come on, Bertie,
I never taunted you.
109
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:50,704
I only tickled you.
110
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:52,472
Stop that!
111
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:55,075
Stop! Will you? Stop it!
112
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:57,444
Stop it!
113
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,680
No! I'm through running!
114
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,217
I know.
115
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:09,990
I know. I know what you've been doing
in the office, Oliver.
116
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:14,661
I know how you've been
stealing from our clients.
117
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:18,064
I took the trouble
to examine your accounts.
118
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:21,368
I know you have.
I'm well aware of it.
119
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,169
Oh?
120
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:29,642
Are you aware that I intend
to expose you?
121
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,680
Well, in that case,
I intend to kill you.
122
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,222
We were friends.
123
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,258
I could never hurt you.
124
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,229
I couldn't hurt you either.
125
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,836
You... you... you're a thief!
126
00:08:56,936 --> 00:08:59,672
- Bertie.
- You can't threaten me out of it!
127
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,909
I'll tell the whole world
what you are!
128
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:07,180
What a pity.
129
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,581
Oliver.
130
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:12,552
Oliver, I'm talking to you!
131
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:16,723
Yes, I hear you.
I hear you, old friend.
132
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:35,428
I really did love you, Bertie.
133
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,676
Yeah? Who? Long distance?
134
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,912
Tonight, children,
the drinks are on Bertie.
135
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,816
Congratulations again, Oliver.
136
00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,452
What was the word, Mr. Brandt?
137
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,187
Carina. C-A-R...
138
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:05,258
Well, with a capital 'C', Carina is a
constellation in the Southern Hemisphere.
139
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,594
This was not capitalized.
140
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:10,597
Well, then it's like
the breastbone on a bird.
141
00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,934
Phone's for you,
Miss Eisenback. Memphis.
142
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:19,205
That's my daddy. I've been
trying to reach him. It's his birthday.
143
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:21,207
She's been waiting for his call.
144
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,576
Oliver got lucky again.
145
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,611
Daddy?
146
00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,113
Why don't we got out and
get the living room put back in order?
147
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,816
Why not indeed?
Come on, come on. Gentlemen.
148
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,185
- You watch that drink.
- I'll watch it.
149
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,020
The club's insured
through you, isn't it?
150
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,288
Yes, and very well.
151
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,623
Fire? Theft?
152
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:37,724
The works.
153
00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:40,994
Okay. It's wonderful here.
The weather is so nice.
154
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,695
Then if we are already covered,
155
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:45,865
why on earth bother spending
all this money on a burglar...
156
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:49,769
Those were gunshots!
157
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,881
Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!
158
00:13:10,189 --> 00:13:13,192
Oh, my God! Bertie. Bertie.
159
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,066
Unlock it.
160
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,903
Take Caroline downstairs.
161
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,712
I think he's dead.
162
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,253
You mustn't look.
163
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,754
You better leave.
164
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,623
Come on.
165
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,392
Oh, my.
166
00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:05,745
Could you all go inside, please?
167
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:18,091
Would you like a drink, Oliver?
168
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,127
What? No, no.
169
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:26,632
Well, it's clear enough some
neighborhood hoodlum finally broke in.
170
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,434
What was Bertie trying to protect?
171
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,571
A few bucks in his wallet?
His manhood? I mean, what?
172
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:36,676
Excuse me. Mr. Brandt?
173
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,012
Yes.
174
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,181
Would you come with me, please?
175
00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:53,226
Are you guys all done in there?
176
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:54,894
- Yeah. He's wrapping it up.
- Good.
177
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:57,263
- Good night, Sergeant.
- Good night, George, Harry.
178
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,877
Now, would you just wait here
please, Mr. Brandt?
179
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:12,945
May I ask why?
180
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:15,214
Sure. Somebody will be along.
181
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:00,620
They know who did it?
182
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,921
No!
183
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,364
Oliver Brandt, sir?
184
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,668
Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.
185
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:21,507
I thought maybe you'd like to be up here
away from all those people down there,
186
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,277
being that the victim was
your friend and partner.
187
00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:28,314
I'm really quite upset.
I do appreciate the courtesy.
188
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:31,217
This Sigma Society, sir,
189
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,687
I understand it's some kind of a club.
But to tell you the truth,
190
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,423
I don't understand
what kind of a club it is.
191
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:42,328
Why it's a private club. International.
We're just one chapter.
192
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,730
All the members are tested.
193
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:48,334
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
194
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:49,835
Two percent of what, sir?
195
00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:52,171
Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.
196
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,206
Top two percent in the world?
197
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,381
Is that what the pin means, sir?
198
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:06,419
Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world...
199
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,254
and I never even noticed.
200
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,290
May I ask, sir,
201
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:15,595
what is it that you people do
in a place like this?
202
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,865
Well, we meet, discuss,
enjoy each other's company.
203
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:20,866
Scientists?
204
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:22,702
Not necessarily.
205
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,337
Like a think tank?
206
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,373
No, no, no. Nothing nearly
as grand, Lieutenant.
207
00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,610
People come to Sigma from all
walks of life, all kinds, all types.
208
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:34,747
There are 20,000 of us around the world.
We're really quite ordinary.
209
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,683
Except for this.
210
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:38,784
Well...
211
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,520
But you're not ordinary.
212
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:46,158
Brandt and Hastings. That's
a very important accounting firm, sir.
213
00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:47,994
I heard of them.
214
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:52,531
Well, very kind of you,
Lieutenant. But, it's quite true.
215
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,133
We handle...
216
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,603
We... Oh, dear.
217
00:18:57,703 --> 00:19:00,306
Well, just a few
minor questions, sir.
218
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:05,378
Some of the ladies say that
they heard music coming from up here.
219
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,580
Bertie must have put on
a record on after I left.
220
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,149
You see, we were playing a word game,
221
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:12,218
looking things up in the dictionary.
222
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,054
On the floor, sir?
223
00:19:18,557 --> 00:19:20,493
He must have put it on the floor.
224
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,740
You mean to tell me, Mr. Brandt,
225
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,678
that these very intelligent
people still like to play with trains?
226
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,946
Some of us do.
227
00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,616
Poor Bertie did.
228
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,317
Well, I'll tell you,
that's a relief to hear.
229
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:48,487
Because I'll tell you the truth, I could
play with something like that forever.
230
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:54,827
Caroline Treynor. That's the one.
231
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:57,797
I beg you... Our youngest member.
232
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,865
She's a member too?
233
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,302
Fourteen?
234
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,672
Amazing. Okay.
235
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:10,109
Now, Caroline, she was standing
in that doorway there.
236
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:14,113
And she says she didn't hear any
footsteps going down those stairs.
237
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,783
Now, everybody else
heard the burglar.
238
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:21,620
That is, the man
that killed Mr. Hastings.
239
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:26,192
May I ask you, sir,
what did you hear?
240
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,327
I don't remember.
241
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,200
Okay.
242
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:39,672
Thirty seconds.
243
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:42,308
Exactly what I got when I timed it.
244
00:20:47,012 --> 00:20:49,415
We didn't start up there the second
we heard the shots.
245
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:53,052
That's right. We were stunned
for eight, maybe 10 seconds.
246
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:55,888
Good. That means 14 seconds past
between the time...
247
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:58,691
that you heard the shots and
the time you arrived in the library.
248
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,893
Is that right, excuse me, Mr...
249
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:03,095
Jason Danziger. I'm the president.
250
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,765
Mr. Danziger. Then when
you arrived in the library...
251
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,200
you saw the other door slam shut.
252
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,871
Now, when you heard
someone running away,
253
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:16,308
did he go down the stairs
one step at a time, two at a time, how?
254
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:17,710
One at a time.
255
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,211
You don't agree, ma'am?
256
00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:22,715
No, no, no, no. At least two at a time.
He was really flying.
257
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,919
Heavy man, sir?
258
00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:29,688
I'd say so.
259
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,090
Do you agree, sir?
260
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:33,559
Not necessarily. Average man.
261
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:37,429
He sounded light to me.
I think he was a woman.
262
00:21:37,763 --> 00:21:39,965
Well, that clears that up.
263
00:21:43,202 --> 00:21:45,337
I must say,
after this dreadful affair,
264
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:48,340
it would be a comfort
to have a policeman as a member.
265
00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:52,545
Lieutenant, do you happen
to know your IQ?
266
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:54,480
Mine, sir? Oh, no, sir.
267
00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:57,016
No, they took it in the Army
but they never told us.
268
00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:59,285
I'm certainly not
in your league, sir.
269
00:21:59,385 --> 00:22:02,087
You might astonish yourself.
270
00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:06,492
Do you enjoy riddles,
puzzles, that sort of thing?
271
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:09,962
Well, I enjoy them, yes, sir, I do.
But I don't have any feel for them.
272
00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:12,832
Now, Mrs. Columbo, she's
a whiz at crossword puzzles.
273
00:22:12,932 --> 00:22:14,967
Here's my car, sir.
274
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:17,837
You might consider testing yourself.
275
00:22:19,438 --> 00:22:22,107
Lieutenant, I'm gonna
give you a little problem,
276
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:24,109
to test your powers
of logical thinking.
277
00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:25,744
That'll be fine, sir.
278
00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:28,848
It's what we call
a minimum information problem.
279
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,917
- Minimum information?
- Practically none.
280
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:35,187
Now, in a room, are several
sacks of gold pieces,
281
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:36,622
as many sacks as you like.
282
00:22:36,722 --> 00:22:39,758
Each sack contains several
of these gold pieces.
283
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,527
Again, as many as you like.
284
00:22:41,627 --> 00:22:42,695
Right. Got it.
285
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:45,764
One sack, however, is full
of artificial gold pieces.
286
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,266
And they weigh differently.
287
00:22:47,666 --> 00:22:48,601
Uh-huh.
288
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,403
Now, the solid
gold pieces weigh...
289
00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:55,207
Let's say, a pound each. And the artificial
pieces weigh whatever you like.
290
00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:57,243
Well, what about a pound
and an ounce?
291
00:22:57,343 --> 00:22:58,711
Splendid. Why not?
292
00:22:58,811 --> 00:23:01,647
Now, you have a penny scale.
293
00:23:01,747 --> 00:23:03,816
So I put the penny in
and I get a card...
294
00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,985
and that tells me how much
the weight of the gold is?
295
00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:09,922
Exactly. But you only
have one penny.
296
00:23:10,189 --> 00:23:14,226
Now, which sack has
the artificial gold pieces?
297
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:16,629
- That's it?
- That's it.
298
00:23:18,130 --> 00:23:22,568
That's a hell of a puzzle.
Gee whiz.
299
00:23:22,668 --> 00:23:26,205
You know,
I got a puzzle myself, sir.
300
00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:29,174
As I understand it, you people,
301
00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:32,344
you were all downstairs
when you heard the shots...
302
00:23:32,444 --> 00:23:36,815
and you ran upstairs to the library.
And that took about 40 seconds.
303
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,185
But during that time,
all the killer had to do was...
304
00:23:40,286 --> 00:23:43,889
take the wallet out of your partner's
pocket and remove the money.
305
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,424
Ten seconds.
306
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:49,094
What did he do
with the rest of the time?
307
00:23:49,828 --> 00:23:52,064
I mean, 30 seconds, sir.
308
00:23:52,531 --> 00:23:56,035
That's a long time to hang around after
you just killed a man.
309
00:23:56,368 --> 00:24:00,506
Yes, a logical question.
Very good. I agree with you.
310
00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:09,048
I'm gonna think about that puzzle,
Mr. Brandt. You can count on that.
311
00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:10,582
Good night, sir.
312
00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:11,917
Good night.
313
00:25:33,632 --> 00:25:35,968
Oliver, is that you?
314
00:25:36,835 --> 00:25:38,637
Yes, love.
315
00:25:59,458 --> 00:26:00,993
How do you like it?
316
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,229
I bought it for you.
317
00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:06,298
Quite lovely.
318
00:26:06,765 --> 00:26:10,836
Oh. You're moody again.
319
00:26:10,936 --> 00:26:13,072
You look exhausted.
320
00:26:14,273 --> 00:26:15,507
What's that?
321
00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:16,675
What? What is it?
322
00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:18,277
Just some mud.
323
00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:22,047
What have you been up to? There.
324
00:26:23,816 --> 00:26:25,717
Oliver, are you all right?
325
00:26:27,753 --> 00:26:30,923
No. Vivian, it's Bertie.
326
00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:32,558
He's dead.
327
00:26:33,759 --> 00:26:34,693
What?
328
00:26:34,793 --> 00:26:37,896
At the club.
He was in the library.
329
00:26:37,996 --> 00:26:40,933
He was alone. A burglar got in.
330
00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:42,801
Oh, Oliver.
331
00:26:43,335 --> 00:26:46,905
Shot him twice.
The police came.
332
00:26:47,206 --> 00:26:49,908
You must be feeling awful.
333
00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:55,414
I was always the lucky one.
He had no one.
334
00:26:56,548 --> 00:26:57,916
He had us.
335
00:27:00,185 --> 00:27:01,720
I have you.
336
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,822
Poor Bertie.
337
00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:07,092
We must put Bertie
out of our minds.
338
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:10,295
We'll take a trip.
339
00:27:10,729 --> 00:27:12,397
We'll buy some clothes.
340
00:27:12,598 --> 00:27:14,133
I'm sure you will.
341
00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:15,934
Oliver.
342
00:27:16,969 --> 00:27:19,771
You have been behaving
very strangely lately.
343
00:27:19,972 --> 00:27:22,107
My best friend is dead, Vivian.
344
00:27:22,207 --> 00:27:26,545
But, darling, we're alive.
Let's enjoy life while we can.
345
00:27:26,712 --> 00:27:29,915
I don't want to spend it watching
your grieving, dismal,
346
00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:32,184
sweet, intelligent face.
347
00:27:32,284 --> 00:27:35,320
Quite right. Please forgive me.
348
00:27:38,357 --> 00:27:39,892
I wonder if you'd be kind enough to...
349
00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:42,561
tell me where I might find
Mr. Brandt's office.
350
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:46,365
Through the double doors.
Mr. Brandt's secretary will help you.
351
00:27:46,465 --> 00:27:48,500
Thank you very much, ma'am.
352
00:27:55,307 --> 00:27:58,177
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
353
00:27:58,277 --> 00:28:02,481
He'll be right back
I'm George Camponella. May I help you?
354
00:28:02,581 --> 00:28:04,850
No, no, no, sir.
Just waiting for Mr. Brandt.
355
00:28:04,950 --> 00:28:08,353
Well, he's not my responsibility.
Not anymore.
356
00:28:08,787 --> 00:28:11,190
He'll be right back.
Just have a seat.
357
00:28:28,273 --> 00:28:29,942
Yes, can I help you?
358
00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:34,012
Thank you very much, sir. Just
waiting for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
359
00:28:34,613 --> 00:28:37,049
As of today, I am
Mr. Brandt's secretary.
360
00:28:37,249 --> 00:28:38,283
You are?
361
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,554
I just met Mr. Camponella.
362
00:28:42,654 --> 00:28:44,756
Oh, I am sure you did.
363
00:28:44,856 --> 00:28:47,626
My predecessor considers
himself quite a big deal.
364
00:28:47,993 --> 00:28:49,394
Is that a fact?
365
00:28:49,494 --> 00:28:52,631
I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir,
police. And you are...
366
00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,466
Alvin. Alvin Metzler.
367
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,969
Until last night,
I worked for Mr. Hastings.
368
00:28:57,469 --> 00:29:00,606
A fine man.
I hope he rests in peace.
369
00:29:01,807 --> 00:29:03,041
This is about Mr. Hastings?
370
00:29:03,141 --> 00:29:05,377
Yes, sir.
Bertie Hastings, the deceased.
371
00:29:05,711 --> 00:29:08,213
I'm looking for Mr. Brandt.
372
00:29:08,313 --> 00:29:10,182
Mr. Brandt took an early lunch.
373
00:29:10,315 --> 00:29:13,418
Sometimes he walks in the park across
the street. South side of the building.
374
00:29:13,685 --> 00:29:16,154
South side of the building.
Thank you very much.
375
00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:25,297
What is that, women's lib in there?
376
00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:27,799
They don't let ladies do
that kind of work anymore?
377
00:29:27,899 --> 00:29:31,903
It's still legal. The partners
prefer male secretaries.
378
00:29:32,004 --> 00:29:33,405
Graduate accountants.
379
00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:36,908
That way they learn
the business and they move up.
380
00:29:37,309 --> 00:29:41,246
Now why didn't I think of that?
Then they get secretaries, right?
381
00:29:41,346 --> 00:29:43,081
Girl-type secretaries.
382
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:46,652
This fellow, George,
the one that I just met in there,
383
00:29:46,752 --> 00:29:49,554
he used to work for Mr. Brandt.
I guess he just got promoted.
384
00:29:49,655 --> 00:29:52,257
Right. A full-fledged accountant.
385
00:29:52,858 --> 00:29:57,462
I hope Alvin was polite to you
in there because he's very upset.
386
00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:01,533
Oh, So Alvin thinks
he should've gotten promoted?
387
00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:04,169
Who can figure bosses?
388
00:30:58,156 --> 00:31:00,559
You know, sir,
that new secretary of yours,
389
00:31:00,659 --> 00:31:04,062
that's a man you can
really depend upon, that...
390
00:31:04,496 --> 00:31:05,797
Alvin?
391
00:31:06,231 --> 00:31:08,100
- Alvin.
- Yes, Alvin.
392
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,836
He tells me how much you like to
come to the park after lunch,
393
00:31:10,936 --> 00:31:14,339
and here you are, just like he said.
Mind if I walk along, sir?
394
00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:17,275
No, no. I'd be delighted.
395
00:31:19,044 --> 00:31:22,814
I also met your other secretary,
the one that's the accountant now.
396
00:31:22,914 --> 00:31:24,082
Yes, George.
397
00:31:24,182 --> 00:31:25,250
George.
398
00:31:25,350 --> 00:31:27,719
Would you do me
a big personal favor, sir?
399
00:31:27,853 --> 00:31:28,820
My pleasure.
400
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,990
You see, I have this nephew,
he's studying to be an accountant.
401
00:31:32,090 --> 00:31:33,525
Isn't that terrific?
402
00:31:33,625 --> 00:31:35,560
I mean, the young people
today, you know,
403
00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:38,964
all they wanna be is movie stars
and football players.
404
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:42,868
Now this boy,
he wants to be an accountant.
405
00:31:42,968 --> 00:31:46,338
And I said to myself,
"Who could give me better advice to...
406
00:31:46,438 --> 00:31:49,107
pass along to
my nephew than Mr. Brandt?"
407
00:31:49,207 --> 00:31:53,211
I mean, you know firsthand how
this fellow George worked himself up.
408
00:31:53,311 --> 00:31:55,347
Well, that's because
our firm has a policy...
409
00:31:55,447 --> 00:31:59,484
of rewarding skill and dedication
rather than seniority.
410
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:03,955
As far as your nephew is concerned, I suggest
he gets all the education that he can,
411
00:32:04,055 --> 00:32:08,360
and then, when he starts to work,
to apply himself assiduously.
412
00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:11,730
Mr. Brandt, thank you very much.
That's very good advice.
413
00:32:11,830 --> 00:32:13,832
And I am going to...
414
00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:17,803
Where did you get
the ice cream cone, sir?
415
00:32:19,971 --> 00:32:21,606
From a vendor across the park.
416
00:32:21,706 --> 00:32:25,744
Oh. Well, I was gonna get one,
but that's too far.
417
00:32:28,213 --> 00:32:33,151
Look at that, sir. Today is
my lucky day. I'll be right back.
418
00:32:57,609 --> 00:32:58,443
Delicious, sir.
419
00:33:00,111 --> 00:33:01,513
Just delicious.
420
00:33:01,613 --> 00:33:04,950
Yes, I know, Lieutenant.
I'm thoroughly addicted.
421
00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:06,885
Addiction.
422
00:33:08,253 --> 00:33:10,722
That must explain the umbrella, sir.
423
00:33:11,389 --> 00:33:12,657
My umbrella?
424
00:33:12,757 --> 00:33:14,826
Well, it's such a beautiful day, sir.
425
00:33:14,926 --> 00:33:18,263
I have to figure that
you always carry an umbrella.
426
00:33:18,363 --> 00:33:20,432
Another addiction, sir.
427
00:33:23,268 --> 00:33:24,736
Excuse me.
428
00:33:28,139 --> 00:33:30,976
Well, actually no, Lieutenant.
I had forgotten my umbrella...
429
00:33:31,076 --> 00:33:33,512
at the Sigma Club and
I stopped by to fetch it.
430
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:35,180
Well, now...
431
00:33:35,647 --> 00:33:38,950
I suppose you're wondering why
I should bother on such a lovely day.
432
00:33:39,784 --> 00:33:42,687
That's what I was asking.
The umbrella, yes, sir.
433
00:33:43,255 --> 00:33:44,956
In order to serve,
an umbrella must be...
434
00:33:45,056 --> 00:33:47,792
available at the first
collision of seasonal clouds.
435
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:50,028
The debut of a California drizzle.
436
00:33:50,128 --> 00:33:51,663
Now then, we must consider.
437
00:33:51,763 --> 00:33:53,365
Where shall I be when
the first rain strikes?
438
00:33:53,465 --> 00:33:56,568
Shall I be at home?
In the office? In my car?
439
00:33:56,668 --> 00:33:58,737
Shall I be at the club? At lunch?
440
00:33:58,837 --> 00:34:00,438
Now we're dealing in probabilities.
441
00:34:00,539 --> 00:34:03,875
Right, sir. Probabilities.
Options, you might say.
442
00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:05,844
Options indeed.
443
00:34:05,944 --> 00:34:10,115
Now, in the final analysis, I spend
just 13 hours per day at my residence.
444
00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:13,451
However, there are other factors to be
considered in this equation.
445
00:34:13,552 --> 00:34:16,187
Time at the office,
time at the club, time en route,
446
00:34:16,288 --> 00:34:20,425
and, dear me, we have not
even mentioned weekends.
447
00:34:20,525 --> 00:34:22,827
Time on the golf course.
448
00:34:22,928 --> 00:34:26,831
On top of that, I may be called upon
at any hour of the day or night...
449
00:34:26,932 --> 00:34:28,667
to confer with a client.
450
00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:33,705
Where then should one keep
an umbrella ready for instant use?
451
00:34:34,105 --> 00:34:36,508
Upon consideration of these
and other variables,
452
00:34:36,608 --> 00:34:39,477
I have come to the conclusion,
sir, that the one,
453
00:34:39,578 --> 00:34:42,347
the only proper place
to lodge an umbrella,
454
00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:46,418
giving one the best play in the game
of avoiding being rained upon,
455
00:34:46,518 --> 00:34:51,189
that place is precisely at home.
Good day, Lieutenant.
456
00:35:01,566 --> 00:35:02,767
Mr. Brandt.
457
00:35:02,867 --> 00:35:04,469
Yes, what is it, George?
458
00:35:05,003 --> 00:35:07,672
These private accounts
you were interested in, sir.
459
00:35:08,206 --> 00:35:10,008
I thought, what, with
this being tax season,
460
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:13,411
you might prefer to work on them
at home, at your convenience.
461
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:16,014
Yes, how very thoughtful of you, George.
462
00:35:16,381 --> 00:35:19,050
Why don't you drop them by
this evening on your way home?
463
00:35:19,618 --> 00:35:20,885
I'd be happy to.
464
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:57,182
I have a theory, Lieutenant.
465
00:36:59,484 --> 00:37:01,553
I know how the murderer did it.
466
00:37:01,786 --> 00:37:05,390
There never was any burglar.
Somebody planned to kill Mr. Hastings.
467
00:37:05,657 --> 00:37:08,460
Planned? You really think so?
468
00:37:09,094 --> 00:37:11,663
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
469
00:37:11,763 --> 00:37:13,364
Because we never heard the real shots.
470
00:37:13,465 --> 00:37:16,000
The shots we heard
were on that record.
471
00:37:16,367 --> 00:37:19,904
On the record.
Shots on the record.
472
00:37:20,772 --> 00:37:22,741
I don't know. I mean
that's a very good idea,
473
00:37:22,841 --> 00:37:24,943
but I just played that record
four separate times.
474
00:37:25,043 --> 00:37:28,012
I don't suppose
I could've missed those shots.
475
00:37:28,346 --> 00:37:30,548
But I could play it again and see.
476
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,851
That's okay, Lieutenant.
477
00:37:33,618 --> 00:37:36,187
I didn't realize you played
the record at all.
478
00:37:36,287 --> 00:37:40,258
Well, you keep thinking, Caroline.
I can use all the help I can get.
479
00:37:40,925 --> 00:37:44,262
And anyone who can come up with an idea
as good as the one that you just had...
480
00:37:44,362 --> 00:37:45,964
can also come up with the answer.
481
00:37:46,064 --> 00:37:47,899
And I'm gonna tell you something else.
482
00:37:48,733 --> 00:37:51,269
You not only have a terrific mind,
483
00:37:52,036 --> 00:37:55,206
you're also a remarkably pretty girl.
484
00:37:59,677 --> 00:38:01,346
You know something, Lieutenant?
485
00:38:03,581 --> 00:38:06,551
That's the very first time
anybody ever told me they...
486
00:38:06,651 --> 00:38:09,320
liked me for my body
instead of my mind.
487
00:38:21,699 --> 00:38:23,902
Excuse me! I'm sorry.
488
00:38:24,002 --> 00:38:25,170
Forgive me, sir.
489
00:38:26,104 --> 00:38:27,705
Well, it's a funny thing, you know.
490
00:38:27,806 --> 00:38:29,941
You're just the person
that I was looking for.
491
00:38:30,041 --> 00:38:32,243
Would you mind stepping inside for
just one moment, sir?
492
00:38:32,343 --> 00:38:34,512
I was looking for you too, Lieutenant.
493
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:38,249
What a coincidence.
Let me ask you something, sir.
494
00:38:39,284 --> 00:38:43,288
That big dictionary on the floor,
does that look peculiar to you?
495
00:38:43,922 --> 00:38:45,690
Well, it should be on the stand.
496
00:38:45,790 --> 00:38:48,526
That's what I thought.
And another thing.
497
00:38:52,664 --> 00:38:57,435
The medical examiner says
that both bullets entered the body...
498
00:38:57,769 --> 00:38:59,437
at exactly the same angle.
499
00:39:00,038 --> 00:39:04,042
Now if the killer fired
and then the body fell.
500
00:39:04,542 --> 00:39:07,378
Then he fired again,
like you all heard...
501
00:39:07,478 --> 00:39:09,848
Then the bullets would've
entered at different angles.
502
00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,317
Yes, I would say so, sir.
503
00:39:12,417 --> 00:39:15,153
That goes right along
with my suicide theory.
504
00:39:15,587 --> 00:39:16,855
Suicide?
505
00:39:18,323 --> 00:39:23,528
You mean he shot himself
in the chest, then fell to the floor,
506
00:39:23,628 --> 00:39:25,330
then did it again?
507
00:39:26,497 --> 00:39:30,268
One thing, sir.
How did he get rid of the gun?
508
00:39:30,735 --> 00:39:32,604
Part of his plan. He had to.
509
00:39:33,004 --> 00:39:33,972
Had to?
510
00:39:34,105 --> 00:39:35,773
Get rid of the gun.
511
00:39:36,774 --> 00:39:39,677
I sold Bertie his life insurance.
512
00:39:39,777 --> 00:39:42,714
There's a suicide clause
in the policy.
513
00:39:42,814 --> 00:39:45,984
If I can ever be of any help...
514
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:48,186
Suicide clause.
I can guess what that is.
515
00:39:48,286 --> 00:39:50,855
If he kills himself
your company doesn't pay.
516
00:39:50,955 --> 00:39:53,191
So he had to hide the gun.
517
00:39:53,291 --> 00:39:54,392
Now,
518
00:39:55,693 --> 00:40:02,066
I think he had it
on some sort of elastic tether.
519
00:40:03,801 --> 00:40:06,537
Elastic? Oh, that's very interesting.
520
00:40:06,638 --> 00:40:09,507
He fired the first shot,
521
00:40:09,607 --> 00:40:14,579
the rigging probably triggered
the second shot.
522
00:40:14,879 --> 00:40:18,716
And the gun just snapped away.
Where to, sir?
523
00:40:18,816 --> 00:40:20,151
Two possibilities.
524
00:40:24,389 --> 00:40:26,991
Out the window.
525
00:40:28,526 --> 00:40:33,031
Screen on the window.
I don't know how the gun...
526
00:40:33,331 --> 00:40:36,901
Then, if you'll take the trouble...
527
00:40:37,802 --> 00:40:42,106
to glance up the chimney,
I am sure you'll find the gun.
528
00:40:44,509 --> 00:40:48,046
You're not gonna
believe this, sir. But I...
529
00:40:53,318 --> 00:40:54,886
You see, I...
530
00:40:54,986 --> 00:40:57,789
You already checked up there?
531
00:40:58,389 --> 00:41:02,427
Don't get me wrong, sir. I never thought
of the gun being on the elastic.
532
00:41:02,527 --> 00:41:05,563
I mean, I just happened
to look up there...
533
00:41:05,663 --> 00:41:08,399
I mean, it was just because
the... All the lab boys, you know,
534
00:41:08,499 --> 00:41:11,469
they were vacuuming the rug
and they said that there was...
535
00:41:11,569 --> 00:41:13,705
powder carbon around.
536
00:41:14,605 --> 00:41:18,009
Well, anytime, Lieutenant.
537
00:41:44,669 --> 00:41:47,271
Oh, you poor man.
538
00:41:47,372 --> 00:41:49,807
Why didn't you park
in the driveway?
539
00:41:49,907 --> 00:41:52,844
Well, I have an oil leak
in my car, ma'am, and...
540
00:41:52,944 --> 00:41:56,781
Wouldn't you know it.
Just tonight my wife decided...
541
00:41:56,881 --> 00:42:00,418
to try out a new spot remover
for my raincoat.
542
00:42:00,618 --> 00:42:03,187
Why don't you put
your umbrella over there?
543
00:42:09,694 --> 00:42:11,729
Do sit down, Lieutenant.
544
00:42:12,997 --> 00:42:15,166
Oh, would you look at that?
545
00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:19,270
That's the same Victrola
that they have down at the Sigma Club.
546
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:23,708
Yes, Oliver donated it.
One of his clients makes them.
547
00:42:23,808 --> 00:42:25,510
You know, the one at the club is
working very funny.
548
00:42:25,643 --> 00:42:27,278
Every time you push the play button...
549
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:31,215
the needle drops down right in the
middle and always in the same spot.
550
00:42:31,315 --> 00:42:36,220
Oh, I think I can explain that.
It has a computer. A memory.
551
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:40,358
So, say you wanted to
play a Sinatra record.
552
00:42:40,792 --> 00:42:42,593
How about this one?
553
00:42:42,994 --> 00:42:44,362
Really, Inspector?
554
00:42:44,462 --> 00:42:45,997
Well, why not?
555
00:42:46,631 --> 00:42:47,799
Well...
556
00:42:50,935 --> 00:42:55,506
Say you wanted to hear the second and
the fifth track of a record.
557
00:42:55,940 --> 00:43:01,112
You can set this, so that
it skips all the others.
558
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:04,148
Just by pushing those buttons?
559
00:43:04,315 --> 00:43:09,420
You can even set it so that it plays
the same track over and over again.
560
00:43:09,620 --> 00:43:11,656
And it also switches itself off.
561
00:43:11,856 --> 00:43:13,157
Isn't that something?
562
00:43:13,691 --> 00:43:15,193
A glass of wine, Lieutenant?
563
00:43:15,293 --> 00:43:17,495
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
564
00:43:19,197 --> 00:43:23,234
Sir, here I am, playing with this
beautiful machine and...
565
00:43:24,168 --> 00:43:25,736
What a coincidence.
566
00:43:26,671 --> 00:43:29,040
What I was going to
ask you, sir, was...
567
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:32,510
the murderer wouldn't have
put the record on up in the library,
568
00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:35,913
and you didn't do it.
So that means Mr. Hastings did it.
569
00:43:36,013 --> 00:43:39,083
Now did your friend have
any particular liking for Tchaikovsky?
570
00:43:39,584 --> 00:43:40,985
Bertie had a tin ear.
571
00:43:41,085 --> 00:43:43,688
He understood nothing
and liked everything.
572
00:43:44,188 --> 00:43:45,590
Tchaikovsky included.
573
00:43:45,890 --> 00:43:49,794
That's exactly what
your secretary Alvin said.
574
00:43:50,128 --> 00:43:52,730
I see. Well, I suppose
Alvin would know.
575
00:43:52,830 --> 00:43:56,100
He was with Bertie
for almost a year. Please.
576
00:43:57,468 --> 00:44:00,638
Oh. It's getting very late, sir.
Mrs. Brandt.
577
00:44:00,738 --> 00:44:02,507
But you haven't touched
your wine.
578
00:44:02,607 --> 00:44:04,909
Some other time, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
579
00:44:05,076 --> 00:44:06,477
I'll see you out.
580
00:44:12,717 --> 00:44:16,120
One more question, sir.
About those sacks of gold.
581
00:44:16,621 --> 00:44:21,492
If I put them all on the scale
and then take them off one by one.
582
00:44:21,592 --> 00:44:23,961
No. You use your penny.
583
00:44:24,061 --> 00:44:27,899
You get a card. You have
one reading on the weight.
584
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:31,335
Right. Got it.
585
00:44:32,203 --> 00:44:35,506
I'm gonna work on that
tonight with Mrs. Columbo.
586
00:44:39,977 --> 00:44:41,312
Good night, Lieutenant.
587
00:44:57,128 --> 00:45:00,598
Hi. I'm Suzy.
588
00:45:00,898 --> 00:45:02,133
Hi, Suzy.
589
00:45:03,601 --> 00:45:07,371
I've tried Esalen,
Primal Scream, Pyramid Power,
590
00:45:07,471 --> 00:45:10,908
Synanon, a black mass
in San Francisco,
591
00:45:11,008 --> 00:45:15,880
open marriage, est, TA, TM,
I'm OK, You're OK,
592
00:45:15,980 --> 00:45:17,515
and I'm still a target.
593
00:45:21,085 --> 00:45:23,454
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
We've met.
594
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:25,156
Nice to see you here.
595
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:32,730
It's really very crowded
here, ma'am. I'm terribly sorry.
596
00:45:32,830 --> 00:45:35,666
I enjoyed it.
I'm Suzy. He's George.
597
00:45:35,766 --> 00:45:37,802
How'd you find me? Alvin?
598
00:45:37,902 --> 00:45:40,338
I don't like to talk
behind people's backs, sir,
599
00:45:40,438 --> 00:45:42,173
but I don't think
Alvin likes you very much.
600
00:45:42,273 --> 00:45:43,908
Now do you come here often,
Lieutenant?
601
00:45:44,008 --> 00:45:45,776
No, ma'am. My first time.
602
00:45:45,876 --> 00:45:47,745
Listen, what else did he
tell you, Lieutenant?
603
00:45:47,845 --> 00:45:51,048
I can tell, sir, that
you're the kind of man...
604
00:45:51,148 --> 00:45:54,418
that has a lot of
terrific plans for himself.
605
00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:57,355
But I think you ought
to think about something.
606
00:45:57,455 --> 00:45:59,190
Let me buy you a drink, Lieutenant.
607
00:45:59,290 --> 00:46:01,592
Thank you very much, ma'am,
but I'm working.
608
00:46:01,692 --> 00:46:04,528
As a matter of fact, I can't think of
a time when I wasn't working.
609
00:46:05,563 --> 00:46:06,964
You see, sir,
610
00:46:08,466 --> 00:46:11,435
here I am telling you
something, sir.
611
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:18,276
Any accountant who is
aware of a felony,
612
00:46:18,376 --> 00:46:20,878
he becomes an accessory
to that felony...
613
00:46:20,978 --> 00:46:23,447
unless he reports it
to the proper authorities.
614
00:46:23,547 --> 00:46:25,316
I like the way
you wear your hair.
615
00:46:25,416 --> 00:46:26,917
What I'm saying is...
616
00:46:27,018 --> 00:46:29,854
Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.
I like the way you wear yours.
617
00:46:31,022 --> 00:46:34,859
What I'm trying to say,
George, is I really don't think...
618
00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:38,496
you're gonna be able to make it
to the top with a police record.
619
00:46:39,397 --> 00:46:41,265
I don't think so.
620
00:46:44,602 --> 00:46:46,337
Goodbye, Lieutenant.
621
00:46:49,774 --> 00:46:53,544
You have some
very interesting friends.
622
00:46:54,045 --> 00:46:55,646
I wish I were dead.
623
00:47:15,232 --> 00:47:16,534
Lieutenant.
624
00:47:21,872 --> 00:47:22,940
You bought that here?
625
00:47:24,575 --> 00:47:27,011
No, I bought it in the donut shop...
626
00:47:27,111 --> 00:47:28,813
because I was gonna eat it
in the elevator,
627
00:47:28,913 --> 00:47:32,083
but then I saw my friend here and...
628
00:47:33,584 --> 00:47:36,020
I'm really terribly sorry.
629
00:47:41,659 --> 00:47:43,227
Well, let me see.
630
00:47:44,628 --> 00:47:46,497
Let's see now.
631
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:47,965
I can come back.
632
00:47:48,065 --> 00:47:50,768
No, no, no, I'll have...
633
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:54,405
I'll have a donut.
634
00:48:00,745 --> 00:48:03,314
I thought about
what you said, Lieutenant.
635
00:48:03,581 --> 00:48:06,050
Sir, if it'll be of any help to you,
636
00:48:06,283 --> 00:48:11,389
I know that Mr. Brandt lost lots of
money on some stock options.
637
00:48:11,722 --> 00:48:13,290
Alvin again?
638
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,195
So Mr. Brandt needed money.
639
00:48:18,529 --> 00:48:20,765
Have you met Mrs. Brandt?
640
00:48:20,865 --> 00:48:22,233
Yes.
641
00:48:25,803 --> 00:48:28,873
Okay. I went back
to the office one night.
642
00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,675
He was Mr. Hastings'
secretary at the time.
643
00:48:31,942 --> 00:48:36,013
Well, there he was, replacing
some files in Brandt's office.
644
00:48:36,247 --> 00:48:39,750
Confidential accounts that
Brandt handled personally.
645
00:48:40,551 --> 00:48:43,387
Now this is when you were still
Mr. Brandt's secretary, right?
646
00:48:43,487 --> 00:48:44,488
That's right.
647
00:48:45,656 --> 00:48:49,093
Why would Alvin fiddle around
with your boss's accounts?
648
00:48:49,193 --> 00:48:51,996
Because Hastings told him
to bring him the files.
649
00:48:52,096 --> 00:48:55,933
He must've suspected
that his partner was engaged in some...
650
00:48:56,233 --> 00:48:58,269
creative bookkeeping.
651
00:48:58,369 --> 00:48:59,236
Will that be all?
652
00:48:59,336 --> 00:49:01,605
Yes, very nice. Thank you.
653
00:49:03,707 --> 00:49:05,276
Creative bookkeeping?
654
00:49:05,376 --> 00:49:07,411
You see, most of our work
is corporate.
655
00:49:07,678 --> 00:49:11,682
But Brandt likes to handle some of the
individual accounts himself.
656
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:14,819
Old clients, mostly widows.
657
00:49:14,919 --> 00:49:17,755
Are these widows, sir, wealthy?
658
00:49:17,855 --> 00:49:21,325
Loaded. I checked the files and ran
some computer printouts.
659
00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:23,127
And what's the bottom line, sir?
660
00:49:24,094 --> 00:49:27,631
Brandt has been sifting funds
from his clients' accounts.
661
00:49:27,731 --> 00:49:29,700
A very nifty job.
662
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,971
So you told your boss that
Mr. Hastings knew what he was doing?
663
00:49:34,438 --> 00:49:36,941
Congratulations on your promotion, sir.
664
00:49:37,174 --> 00:49:39,777
I'm always glad to
cooperate, Lieutenant.
665
00:49:42,713 --> 00:49:45,583
Oh, good morning, sir. I was just
explaining to the Lieutenant that...
666
00:49:45,683 --> 00:49:47,718
Sit down, George.
Finish your grapefruit.
667
00:49:47,818 --> 00:49:50,087
I think I can guess
what you were explaining.
668
00:49:50,187 --> 00:49:52,022
More tips for your nephew, right,
Lieutenant?
669
00:49:52,122 --> 00:49:55,960
Right, sir. George
was telling me exactly...
670
00:49:56,060 --> 00:50:00,498
how a young accountant gets ahead.
Take my seat, sir. Please.
671
00:50:02,366 --> 00:50:03,701
Sir.
672
00:50:11,475 --> 00:50:16,413
He wasn't talking about his
nephew, sir. It's Alvin again.
673
00:50:24,421 --> 00:50:26,123
Good morning, Mr. Brandt. I...
674
00:50:27,925 --> 00:50:28,926
What?
675
00:50:29,159 --> 00:50:32,696
Good morning again, sir.
I thought you'd rather talk up here.
676
00:50:32,796 --> 00:50:33,998
You're at my desk.
677
00:50:34,098 --> 00:50:35,566
Oh, sorry, sir.
678
00:50:35,666 --> 00:50:37,701
You realize this is
our busiest time of the year.
679
00:50:37,801 --> 00:50:40,838
I understand, sir.
And I wouldn't bother you, but...
680
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:45,009
I'm afraid that Mr. Hastings
might have been involved in some...
681
00:50:45,109 --> 00:50:46,944
nasty things around here, sir.
682
00:50:48,279 --> 00:50:52,049
I know this is hard to believe, sir.
But I happen to know...
683
00:50:52,349 --> 00:50:55,019
that he had his secretary...
684
00:50:55,319 --> 00:50:58,422
take some account files from your office.
685
00:50:58,622 --> 00:50:59,757
Alvin?
686
00:51:01,325 --> 00:51:05,829
Are you suggesting a conspiracy
between Bertie and Alvin?
687
00:51:05,963 --> 00:51:07,331
I hate to say this, sir,
688
00:51:07,431 --> 00:51:11,201
but Mr. Hastings might have
been doctoring those counts.
689
00:51:20,377 --> 00:51:23,847
This comes as a terrible shock
to me, Lieutenant.
690
00:51:24,315 --> 00:51:26,083
You'll have to excuse me.
691
00:51:26,183 --> 00:51:30,120
Oh, yes, sir. I understand.
You'll certainly need time to think.
692
00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:44,668
- Mr. Brandt.
- What is it?
693
00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:47,538
I owe it to myself
to express my dissatisfaction.
694
00:51:47,638 --> 00:51:49,607
I was clearly in line for
the position that you gave George.
695
00:51:49,707 --> 00:51:54,211
You dare tell me your position in
this firm. You niggling little twit.
696
00:51:54,311 --> 00:51:56,480
You self-serving ambitious lout.
697
00:51:56,580 --> 00:52:00,017
Maybe Mr. Hastings took this abuse
from you, but I certainly will not!
698
00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:03,320
And you'll take it, too,
Alvin, twentyfold.
699
00:52:03,420 --> 00:52:06,390
You'll be a secretary here
until you're old and gray.
700
00:52:06,490 --> 00:52:09,627
And if you try to work anywhere else,
I'll pull so many strings...
701
00:52:09,727 --> 00:52:10,561
that you'll strangle in them.
702
00:52:10,828 --> 00:52:12,930
- But that's...
- Now, go back to your desk!
703
00:52:13,030 --> 00:52:17,167
Suddenly, Alvin, you're a great,
choking stench in my life.
704
00:52:17,267 --> 00:52:17,968
Get out!
705
00:52:26,610 --> 00:52:27,878
What was that?
706
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:29,179
What?
707
00:52:29,580 --> 00:52:31,749
Well, the whole house shook.
708
00:52:33,584 --> 00:52:35,819
The world is crumbling.
What do you expect?
709
00:52:46,897 --> 00:52:49,099
What is wrong with you?
710
00:52:49,199 --> 00:52:52,836
I have been betrayed, pursued,
and threatened by innuendo.
711
00:52:52,936 --> 00:52:55,339
The least I could hope for
is some understanding from my wife.
712
00:52:55,439 --> 00:52:59,276
It's the new negligee
I bought. Is that it?
713
00:52:59,376 --> 00:53:02,312
It is everything you have bought.
We are in trouble.
714
00:53:02,413 --> 00:53:04,848
Oh, and of course it's my fault.
715
00:53:04,948 --> 00:53:07,051
Well, you are the mother
of my predicament.
716
00:53:07,151 --> 00:53:10,788
And now, little Oliver wants
to be mothered. Is that it?
717
00:53:10,888 --> 00:53:13,557
I want what is due me!
718
00:53:16,326 --> 00:53:20,097
Some affection, understanding, gratitude.
719
00:53:21,532 --> 00:53:24,935
Support in the worst of times.
720
00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:26,403
I don't know what
you're talking about.
721
00:53:26,503 --> 00:53:28,539
I have embezzled funds!
722
00:53:33,877 --> 00:53:35,079
And I did it for you.
723
00:53:38,048 --> 00:53:42,453
Oliver, I've never understood
about business.
724
00:53:43,020 --> 00:53:44,855
I belong to another part
of your life.
725
00:53:44,955 --> 00:53:47,758
Do you understand
what I am telling you?
726
00:53:48,859 --> 00:53:51,195
No. And I don't think I want to.
727
00:54:01,772 --> 00:54:02,773
Oliver Brandt.
728
00:54:02,873 --> 00:54:04,742
Mr. Brandt, this is Sergeant Kline.
729
00:54:04,842 --> 00:54:06,844
Lieutenant Columbo and Sergeant Burke
would appreciate it...
730
00:54:06,944 --> 00:54:09,246
if you'd come by the Sigma Club right away.
731
00:55:55,252 --> 00:55:57,087
Oh, there you are.
732
00:55:57,588 --> 00:55:59,189
Is that you, Mr. Brandt?
733
00:55:59,289 --> 00:56:00,858
It is, Lieutenant.
734
00:56:00,958 --> 00:56:02,926
Come on up, Mr. Brandt.
735
00:56:03,694 --> 00:56:05,028
You need anything else, sir?
736
00:56:05,128 --> 00:56:07,564
No, that's fine.
Good night, Sergeant.
737
00:56:07,764 --> 00:56:09,199
Good night, Lieutenant.
738
00:56:30,287 --> 00:56:33,257
Oh, just in time, sir.
Perfect. I want you to see this.
739
00:56:42,099 --> 00:56:45,369
Now I want you to see what happens, sir,
when the record finishes.
740
00:56:45,469 --> 00:56:49,139
It was really very thoughtful of you,
sir, to give this Victrola to the club.
741
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:52,509
Well, I...
I enjoy giving pleasure.
742
00:56:52,609 --> 00:56:56,780
I hope those explosions didn't
frighten you, sir. Just experimenting.
743
00:56:58,215 --> 00:56:59,917
Soon.
744
00:57:00,884 --> 00:57:02,753
Finished. Now watch.
745
00:57:02,853 --> 00:57:06,590
It glides across the record
and it goes to this point right here.
746
00:57:06,690 --> 00:57:11,628
Then it goes back again,
past this point here, right here.
747
00:57:11,728 --> 00:57:15,299
And then it goes all the way back again
and it rests on this whatchamacallit.
748
00:57:15,399 --> 00:57:17,734
Now, I want you
to notice this, sir.
749
00:57:20,337 --> 00:57:22,706
Here on this whatchamacallit.
750
00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:27,311
Right here.
Funny little scratches.
751
00:57:27,511 --> 00:57:30,814
Here and here.
752
00:57:31,014 --> 00:57:32,215
Do you see those, sir?
753
00:57:32,516 --> 00:57:33,583
Yes.
754
00:57:33,817 --> 00:57:36,153
A tiny clamp with teeth.
755
00:57:36,253 --> 00:57:39,289
Sergeant Burke thinks
baby alligator clamps.
756
00:57:39,389 --> 00:57:41,158
Now a funny thing.
757
00:57:42,993 --> 00:57:46,730
You remember Miss Eisenback
got a long distance call?
758
00:57:46,830 --> 00:57:48,598
Yes, from her father.
759
00:57:48,832 --> 00:57:50,334
In Memphis.
760
00:57:50,701 --> 00:57:54,771
The call came in just after you left
Mr. Hastings and went downstairs.
761
00:57:54,871 --> 00:57:55,906
Lieutenant Columbo...
762
00:57:56,006 --> 00:57:57,307
And then the call was interrupted.
763
00:57:57,407 --> 00:58:01,144
She had to hang up
when she heard the shots.
764
00:58:01,244 --> 00:58:02,579
If you say so.
765
00:58:03,413 --> 00:58:05,248
Here it is.
766
00:58:05,749 --> 00:58:09,653
I got this from the South Central Bell
Telephone Company in Memphis.
767
00:58:09,753 --> 00:58:12,723
Here's the call from her father.
The date.
768
00:58:13,457 --> 00:58:15,726
How long they talked.
769
00:58:15,826 --> 00:58:17,961
All right.
They talked four minutes.
770
00:58:18,061 --> 00:58:20,864
Which is almost
exactly the same length...
771
00:58:20,964 --> 00:58:24,101
of time that
the record player is set for.
772
00:58:24,201 --> 00:58:28,438
Watch. I'm going to push
the play button.
773
00:58:33,410 --> 00:58:37,748
Notice that the arm doesn't start at
the beginning. It starts in the middle.
774
00:58:37,848 --> 00:58:41,018
And if you let that play, sir,
it will take four minutes.
775
00:58:41,218 --> 00:58:43,286
And it does it every time.
776
00:58:43,387 --> 00:58:45,522
Lieutenant, is this what
you called me out for?
777
00:58:45,689 --> 00:58:47,657
No, sir. Not quite.
778
00:58:48,692 --> 00:58:51,728
To tell you the truth, sir,
I have another reason.
779
00:58:54,264 --> 00:58:55,899
Mr. Brandt.
780
00:58:58,468 --> 00:59:01,671
I know exactly what you did
and how you did it.
781
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:05,008
The gold sack puzzle, sir.
782
00:59:06,243 --> 00:59:08,745
Mrs. Columbo figured it out.
783
00:59:09,413 --> 00:59:12,749
You said that there were
these sacks of gold in a room...
784
00:59:12,849 --> 00:59:15,852
and that one of the sacks
was filled with phony gold.
785
00:59:15,952 --> 00:59:19,656
And that the phony gold
weighed more than the real gold.
786
00:59:19,756 --> 00:59:22,592
And that I had a penny scale
but only one penny.
787
00:59:22,692 --> 00:59:25,028
And therefore only one chance
to weigh anything.
788
00:59:25,128 --> 00:59:29,332
And I had to figure out
which of the sacks had the phony gold.
789
00:59:29,433 --> 00:59:30,767
Am I right so far, sir?
790
00:59:30,867 --> 00:59:31,868
Yes.
791
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:33,837
All right. Well, let's just say
there were three sacks...
792
00:59:33,937 --> 00:59:36,306
because I happen to have
three sacks here.
793
00:59:36,706 --> 00:59:39,643
And we'll make believe that
this chocolate is the gold.
794
00:59:39,943 --> 00:59:44,247
And each real gold piece
weighs one pound.
795
00:59:44,714 --> 00:59:48,318
But one of these sacks
has the phony gold.
796
00:59:48,552 --> 00:59:52,656
And the phony gold weighs
one pound and one ounce.
797
00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,357
Am I right up to here, sir?
798
00:59:54,491 --> 00:59:55,725
Satisfactory so far.
799
00:59:55,826 --> 00:59:57,127
Follow me, sir.
800
00:59:59,329 --> 01:00:01,998
- We're going to the scale.
- Yes.
801
01:00:03,533 --> 01:00:05,635
And here's the scale.
802
01:00:06,169 --> 01:00:10,474
Now, one bag,
two bags, three bags.
803
01:00:10,574 --> 01:00:13,477
Now we take one piece from bag one.
804
01:00:13,577 --> 01:00:16,913
We take two pieces from bag two.
805
01:00:17,013 --> 01:00:20,117
We take three pieces from bag three.
806
01:00:20,217 --> 01:00:22,319
How many pieces is that, sir?
807
01:00:22,686 --> 01:00:25,522
- Six.
- Six. So far so good.
808
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:29,659
We take all six pieces.
We put them on the scale.
809
01:00:30,227 --> 01:00:33,063
Now if that were
a regular scale...
810
01:00:33,163 --> 01:00:37,968
and if all six pieces were
the real gold, it would weigh six pounds.
811
01:00:39,302 --> 01:00:44,374
But if the first bag had
the phony pieces,
812
01:00:44,608 --> 01:00:48,311
it would weigh six pounds
and one ounce...
813
01:00:48,545 --> 01:00:52,516
because I only took one piece
from the first bag.
814
01:00:53,850 --> 01:00:58,021
And if the second bag had
the phony gold pieces...
815
01:00:58,121 --> 01:01:01,558
it would weigh six pounds
and two ounces...
816
01:01:01,691 --> 01:01:04,461
because I took two pieces
from the second bag.
817
01:01:04,561 --> 01:01:05,996
Bravo, Lieutenant.
818
01:01:06,096 --> 01:01:09,032
And if the third bag were
the phony bag,
819
01:01:09,132 --> 01:01:13,970
it would weigh six pounds and three
ounces and so on and so on and so on.
820
01:01:14,070 --> 01:01:17,407
Sir... It's a terrific puzzle.
821
01:01:50,840 --> 01:01:52,475
Must be fun playing
with these trains.
822
01:01:52,576 --> 01:01:54,978
It'd be terrific if we just
had the time, right, sir?
823
01:01:55,078 --> 01:01:57,147
Yes, it would be nice.
824
01:01:58,248 --> 01:02:00,784
You know, sir, it's a funny thing.
825
01:02:01,885 --> 01:02:04,821
All my life I kept running
into smart people.
826
01:02:05,355 --> 01:02:08,892
I don't just mean smart
like you and the people in this house.
827
01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:11,428
You know what I mean.
828
01:02:12,963 --> 01:02:16,299
In school there were
lots of smarter kids.
829
01:02:16,533 --> 01:02:19,336
And when I first joined
the force, sir,
830
01:02:19,970 --> 01:02:23,506
they had some
very clever people there.
831
01:02:24,608 --> 01:02:26,743
And I could tell right away that
it wasn't gonna be easy...
832
01:02:26,843 --> 01:02:29,246
making detective as
long as they were around.
833
01:02:30,847 --> 01:02:32,515
But I figured that...
834
01:02:33,516 --> 01:02:38,555
if I worked harder than they did,
and put in more time,
835
01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:41,458
read the books,
836
01:02:42,659 --> 01:02:47,197
kept my eyes open, maybe
I could make it happen.
837
01:02:47,864 --> 01:02:49,132
And I did.
838
01:02:54,137 --> 01:02:57,040
And I really love my work, sir.
839
01:02:57,140 --> 01:02:58,408
I can tell you do.
840
01:02:59,743 --> 01:03:01,811
If there's one thing
I've learned, Lieutenant,
841
01:03:02,012 --> 01:03:04,381
it's that we all have
a cross to bear.
842
01:03:04,481 --> 01:03:08,985
Including those of us
who seem most fortunate.
843
01:03:09,853 --> 01:03:12,722
My problem is just the opposite.
844
01:03:13,857 --> 01:03:19,696
Born smart, as they say.
A blessing, you'd think.
845
01:03:20,196 --> 01:03:24,000
I had no real childhood.
I was an imitation adult.
846
01:03:24,100 --> 01:03:26,703
'Cause that's what
was expected of me.
847
01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:32,108
Most people don't like smart people.
Most children despise smart children.
848
01:03:32,208 --> 01:03:35,679
So, early on, I had to hide
my so-called gift,
849
01:03:35,779 --> 01:03:40,250
conceal it from my own brothers and
sisters, my classmates, in the service.
850
01:03:41,685 --> 01:03:44,754
Painful, lonely years.
851
01:03:46,256 --> 01:03:48,358
You know, sir,
I never thought of that.
852
01:03:48,458 --> 01:03:50,794
I wonder if all those
early bitter memories...
853
01:03:51,795 --> 01:03:56,466
had something to do with my recent
discovery that I simply no longer care,
854
01:03:56,566 --> 01:04:01,004
even for my fellow
intelligentsia in this club.
855
01:04:01,571 --> 01:04:04,240
I find them eccentric bores.
856
01:04:09,212 --> 01:04:11,715
Mr. Brandt, now I've
got a puzzle for you.
857
01:04:13,450 --> 01:04:16,820
Man "A" wants to kill Man "B."
858
01:04:18,421 --> 01:04:19,789
What am I told?
859
01:04:20,023 --> 01:04:22,525
It's kind of a minimum
information problem, sir.
860
01:04:22,625 --> 01:04:24,894
The men are in a room, sir.
Say this room.
861
01:04:24,994 --> 01:04:26,830
Lots of people downstairs.
862
01:04:27,297 --> 01:04:30,600
And Man "A," the killer,
he plans to use a gun.
863
01:04:30,700 --> 01:04:31,901
Then the shot would be heard.
864
01:04:32,001 --> 01:04:33,236
Not with a silencer, sir.
865
01:04:33,336 --> 01:04:35,638
He also would have
to get rid of the gun.
866
01:04:47,917 --> 01:04:50,286
He would have to hide the gun.
867
01:04:50,954 --> 01:04:53,223
So the killer brings
an umbrella with him.
868
01:04:55,058 --> 01:04:56,493
May I see your umbrella, sir?
869
01:04:57,427 --> 01:04:59,929
An umbrella to conceal a gun?
870
01:05:01,297 --> 01:05:04,167
Audacious and foolhardy, I would say.
871
01:05:04,567 --> 01:05:08,071
But you may test your theory,
if you wish.
872
01:05:08,271 --> 01:05:11,307
Oh, I don't have a gun, sir.
Never carry one.
873
01:05:11,975 --> 01:05:13,843
The killer has a gun.
874
01:05:13,943 --> 01:05:15,779
With a silencer. So you said.
875
01:05:16,246 --> 01:05:19,649
You see, sir, the killer plans
to put the gun in the umbrella...
876
01:05:19,749 --> 01:05:22,385
and then hide the umbrella
in the fireplace...
877
01:05:22,485 --> 01:05:24,587
and take it away some other time.
878
01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:28,124
Ah! But then there would be
soot on the umbrella.
879
01:05:28,291 --> 01:05:31,594
You are absolutely right, sir.
There would be soot.
880
01:05:32,262 --> 01:05:34,798
Now, there is a second use
for the umbrella.
881
01:05:34,898 --> 01:05:36,633
You see these, sir.
882
01:05:37,300 --> 01:05:40,503
They're like loud firecrackers.
We call them squibs.
883
01:05:40,603 --> 01:05:45,275
Now the killer plans to fake some shots
because the victim is already dead.
884
01:05:45,375 --> 01:05:50,580
I suggest that the squibs would leave
bits of paper when they explode.
885
01:05:50,680 --> 01:05:52,115
Telltale evidence.
886
01:05:52,215 --> 01:05:53,683
That's why, sir,
887
01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:57,387
the killer plans to catch
the shreds in here.
888
01:05:58,288 --> 01:05:59,656
Most ingenious, Lieutenant.
889
01:05:59,756 --> 01:06:03,526
But wouldn't the squibs leave
burns, scorch marks?
890
01:06:03,626 --> 01:06:06,262
Now, this umbrella, for instance,
is quite unmarked.
891
01:06:06,362 --> 01:06:07,997
You are absolutely right, sir. But...
892
01:06:08,097 --> 01:06:11,000
suppose this were
the killer's other umbrella.
893
01:06:11,568 --> 01:06:13,603
Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir.
894
01:06:13,837 --> 01:06:17,874
Last night when I was at your house,
I took the wrong umbrella.
895
01:06:19,375 --> 01:06:22,345
Excuse me, sir. Just one moment.
896
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:30,653
I took yours. It was
an honest mistake, sir.
897
01:06:30,753 --> 01:06:33,122
And we're not allowed
to get evidence that way.
898
01:06:33,256 --> 01:06:35,492
But as long as I had it,
899
01:06:36,392 --> 01:06:39,896
the lab found burns from the squibs.
900
01:06:40,096 --> 01:06:41,664
And lots of soot, sir.
901
01:06:41,798 --> 01:06:45,001
I see.
Now, tell me this, Lieutenant.
902
01:06:45,101 --> 01:06:46,736
How were the squibs detonated?
903
01:06:46,836 --> 01:06:50,039
The killer is
a very intelligent man, sir.
904
01:06:50,773 --> 01:06:55,411
Watch. I put the squibs
in the umbrella and the gun.
905
01:06:57,847 --> 01:07:00,650
We'll pretend that this is the gun.
906
01:07:01,818 --> 01:07:03,520
Now, the killer...
907
01:07:04,954 --> 01:07:08,892
wedges the umbrella up the chimney.
908
01:07:08,992 --> 01:07:10,827
You can't be serious.
909
01:07:10,927 --> 01:07:14,197
Oh, I am, sir. I am.
Absolutely serious.
910
01:07:16,099 --> 01:07:20,303
Now, we'll just pretend
that this umbrella is up the chimney.
911
01:07:24,007 --> 01:07:26,109
Now, these wires, sir.
912
01:07:26,709 --> 01:07:32,348
They're attached to a battery
and the same kind of squibs.
913
01:07:32,615 --> 01:07:35,084
Now, we'll just put these
in the umbrella.
914
01:07:37,520 --> 01:07:41,758
And we'll run this wire, sir,
right over here to the Victrola.
915
01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:47,196
We push the play button.
916
01:07:49,499 --> 01:07:52,936
And we attach the wires here...
917
01:07:54,437 --> 01:07:57,574
and here, where I showed you
those scratches.
918
01:07:57,674 --> 01:07:58,975
Preposterous nonsense.
919
01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:01,511
Now the killer knows
when the record will end.
920
01:08:01,611 --> 01:08:03,313
Yes, yes, you've
demonstrated all that.
921
01:08:03,413 --> 01:08:07,083
And when the arm comes over
it will make contact.
922
01:08:07,183 --> 01:08:13,189
First here exploding one squib
and then here exploding the second.
923
01:08:13,289 --> 01:08:15,325
But the body fell between the two shots.
924
01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:19,696
Yes, sir. That's where the killer
has to take a very big chance.
925
01:08:22,699 --> 01:08:25,702
The dictionary has a line here,
dividing it in half.
926
01:08:25,802 --> 01:08:28,371
So it can be balanced on the edge.
927
01:08:28,471 --> 01:08:30,406
You see, sir? Like this.
928
01:08:31,374 --> 01:08:32,842
Clever but too unpredictable.
929
01:08:32,942 --> 01:08:34,510
Important for the illusion, sir.
930
01:08:34,611 --> 01:08:35,745
The sound of the body falling.
931
01:08:35,845 --> 01:08:37,914
- You've got it.
- But impossible to time.
932
01:08:38,014 --> 01:08:39,782
But this killer is very smart, sir.
933
01:08:39,882 --> 01:08:41,684
Can he make the book fall
between the two shots?
934
01:08:41,784 --> 01:08:42,552
Oh, yes, sir.
935
01:08:42,652 --> 01:08:44,454
- How? Triggered by what?
- I'll show you.
936
01:08:44,554 --> 01:08:46,122
He would have to be a genius.
937
01:08:46,222 --> 01:08:47,824
I think so too, sir.
938
01:08:47,924 --> 01:08:50,760
Now I don't mean to imply that I thought
of this all by myself.
939
01:08:50,860 --> 01:08:54,497
I mean, some of the smartest people
in the world are right here in this club,
940
01:08:54,597 --> 01:08:56,899
and they helped me, sir.
They helped me a lot.
941
01:08:57,000 --> 01:08:58,801
They're dunces, the lot of them.
942
01:08:58,901 --> 01:09:02,071
Mr. Danziger, the president of the club,
you wouldn't call him a dunce.
943
01:09:02,171 --> 01:09:03,606
Oh, wouldn't I?
944
01:09:03,706 --> 01:09:06,743
Well, it was his idea.
The book, the vibrations...
945
01:09:06,843 --> 01:09:09,612
Vibrations?
What are you talking about?
946
01:09:09,712 --> 01:09:14,217
The first squib, sir.
He really made it sound very simple.
947
01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:17,387
When the squib goes off,
it produces vibrations.
948
01:09:17,487 --> 01:09:21,457
And that knocks the book down.
That Danziger is a genius!
949
01:09:21,557 --> 01:09:23,826
Vibrations? That nitwit.
950
01:09:23,926 --> 01:09:27,597
The man who conceived all this,
you've made him out to be a bungling ass!
951
01:09:27,697 --> 01:09:31,300
No! This is what
he would've done. This.
952
01:09:37,974 --> 01:09:39,108
There!
953
01:09:42,211 --> 01:09:42,979
There!
954
01:09:56,726 --> 01:09:58,061
Oh, my.
955
01:10:01,464 --> 01:10:02,865
Oh, my.
956
01:10:11,207 --> 01:10:12,842
Lieutenant Columbo.
957
01:10:14,043 --> 01:10:16,279
Oh, yes, Mrs. Brandt.
He's right here.
958
01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:22,585
For you, sir.
959
01:10:26,923 --> 01:10:27,657
Yes?
960
01:10:28,257 --> 01:10:30,927
I'm so sorry, darling.
961
01:10:31,627 --> 01:10:35,765
Please come home. Come to bed.
962
01:10:37,767 --> 01:10:39,001
I need you.
963
01:10:39,936 --> 01:10:44,006
Alas, my dear,
I shall not be needing you...
964
01:10:46,142 --> 01:10:47,276
anymore.
965
01:10:50,046 --> 01:10:51,881
Was it the record player?
966
01:10:52,982 --> 01:10:56,385
Yes, sir.
First it was the record player.
967
01:10:57,253 --> 01:10:59,922
Why would anybody
start it in the middle?
968
01:11:03,526 --> 01:11:05,561
I should have changed the cuing.
969
01:11:06,162 --> 01:11:08,431
Extraordinary. That bothered you?
970
01:11:11,501 --> 01:11:13,336
Will you be taking me in?
971
01:11:13,836 --> 01:11:15,938
No, sir. Someone will be along.
972
01:11:16,472 --> 01:11:19,075
Lieutenant,
what did you say your IQ was?
973
01:11:19,408 --> 01:11:20,810
I really don't know, sir.
974
01:11:21,144 --> 01:11:24,046
It must be very high.
My own is...
975
01:11:26,215 --> 01:11:27,784
We have a test here.
976
01:11:30,820 --> 01:11:31,621
Oh, here.
977
01:11:31,721 --> 01:11:34,090
I'm really not very good
at that sort of thing, sir.
978
01:11:34,190 --> 01:11:37,093
You'll be surprised at yourself.
979
01:11:38,694 --> 01:11:40,062
Remarkable.
980
01:11:41,798 --> 01:11:45,067
We can go directly to
the more difficult questions.
981
01:11:45,301 --> 01:11:46,602
Ah, yes, here we are.
982
01:11:47,036 --> 01:11:49,906
Lieutenant, I'm going
to give you four words.
983
01:11:50,006 --> 01:11:52,175
And you tell me
which one does not belong.
984
01:11:52,275 --> 01:11:56,612
Asphalt, uncle, delight, leave.
985
01:11:57,146 --> 01:11:59,248
Which word doesn't belong?
986
01:11:59,682 --> 01:12:03,820
Asphalt, uncle, delight, leave.
987
01:12:04,053 --> 01:12:10,159
Well, let me see.
We got Uncle Sam. Dutch uncle.
988
01:12:14,430 --> 01:12:15,832
Asphalt's the word, sir.
989
01:12:15,932 --> 01:12:18,801
Because you can have
Turkish delight,
990
01:12:18,901 --> 01:12:22,305
French leave and Dutch uncle.
All nationalities.
991
01:12:23,206 --> 01:12:26,909
Lieutenant, have you ever considered
a different line of work?
992
01:12:27,009 --> 01:12:29,612
Me, sir? No.
993
01:12:30,313 --> 01:12:34,650
Never. I couldn't do that.
77172
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