All language subtitles for When.Harry.Met.Sally.1989.2160p.UHD.Blu-ray.Remux.DV.HDR.HEVC.DTS-HD.MA.5.1-CiNEPHiLES_eng

I was sitting with my friend
Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant.

It was a Horn & Hardart Cafeteria.

And this beautiful girl walked in
and I turned to Arthur, and I said

"Arthur, you see that girl?
I'm going to marry her."

And two weeks later, we were married.

And it's over 50 years later
and we're still married.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Oh, hi, Sally.

Sally, this is Harry Burns.
Harry, this is Sally Albright.

Nice to meet you.

- You want to drive the first shift?
- No, you're there already. You can start.

Back's open.

- Call me.
- I'll call you as soon as I get there.

Call me from the road.

I'll call you before then.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Sorry.

- I miss you already.
- I miss you.

I miss you already.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I have it all figured out. It's an 18-hour trip

which breaks down into six shifts
of three hours each

or alternatively
we could break it down by mileage.

There's a map on the visor

that I've marked to show the locations
where we can change shifts.

Grape?

No. I don't like to eat between meals.

I'll roll down the window.

Why don't you tell me
the story of your life.

The story of my life?

We got 18 hours to kill
before we hit New York.

The story of my life isn't even
going to get us out of Chicago.

Nothing's happened to me yet.
That's why I'm going to New York.

- So something will happen to you?
- Yes.

Like what?

Like I'm going to journalism school
to become a reporter.

So you can write about things
that happen to other people.

- That's one way to look at it.
- Suppose nothing happens to you?

Suppose you live there your whole life
and nothing happens?

You never meet anybody,
you never become anything

and finally you die
one of those New York deaths

where nobody notices for two weeks
until the smell drifts into the hallway.

- Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
- That's what drew her to me.

- Your dark side?
- Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side?

No, you're probably
one of those cheerful people

who dots their "I's" with little hearts.

I have just as much of a dark side
as the next person.

Oh, really? When I buy a new book,
I always read the last page first.

That way, in case I die before I finish,
I know how it ends.

That, my friend, is a dark side.

That doesn't mean you're deep
or anything. I mean...

- Yes, basically I'm a happy person.
- So am I.

And I don't see
that there's anything wrong with that.

Of course not.
You're too busy being happy.

You ever think about death?

- Yes.
- Sure you do.

A fleeting thought that drifts
in and out of the transom of your mind.

I spend hours, I spend days.

And you think this makes you
a better person?

Look, when the shit comes down,
I'm gonna be prepared, and you're not.

That's all I'm saying.

In the meantime, you're gonna ruin
your whole life waiting for it.

- You're wrong.
- I'm not wrong.

You're wrong.

He wants her to leave.
That's why he puts her on the plane.

- I don't think she wants to stay.
- Of course she wants to stay.

Wouldn't you rather be with
Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?

I don't want to spend
the rest of my life in Casablanca

married to a man who runs a bar.

That probably sounds
very snobbish to you, but I don't.

You'd rather be in a passionless marriage?

And be the first lady of Czechoslovakia.

Than live with a man you've had
the greatest sex of your life with

just because he owns a bar
and that is all he does?

Yes. And so would any woman
in her right mind.

Women are very practical,
even Ingrid Bergman,

which is why she gets on the plane
at the end of the movie.

I understand.

- What? What?
- Nothing.

- What?
- Forget about it.

- What? Forget about what?
- It's not important.

No, just tell me.

Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.

- Two, please.
- Right over there.

- Yes, I have.
- No, you haven't.

It just so happens that I have had
plenty of good sex.

With whom?

What?

With whom did you have this great sex?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Shel Gordon.

Shel? Sheldon?

No. No, you did not have
great sex with Sheldon.

- I did too.
- No, you didn't.

A Sheldon can do your income taxes.

If you need a root canal,
Sheldon's your man.

But humping and pumping
is not Sheldon's strong suit.

It's the name. "Do it to me, Sheldon.

"You're an animal, Sheldon.
Ride me, big Sheldon."

It doesn't work.

Hi.

- What can I get you?
- I'll have a number three.

I'd like the chef's salad, please,
with the oil and vinegar on the side

and the apple pie a la mode.

Chef and apple a la mode.

But I'd like the pie heated,

and I don't want the ice cream on top,
I want it on the side.

And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla,
if you have it.

If not, then no ice cream,
just whipped cream, but only if it's real.

- If it's out of a can, then nothing.
- Not even the pie?

No, just the pie, but then not heated.

- What?
- Nothing, nothing.

- So how come you broke up with Sheldon?
- How do you know we broke up?

Because if you didn't break up,
you wouldn't be here with me.

You'd be off
with Sheldon the Wonder Schlong.

First of all, I am not with you.

And second of all, it is none
of your business why we broke up.

You're right. You're right.
I don't want to know.

Well, if you must know,
it was because he was very jealous

and I had these
"days of the week" underpants.

I'm sorry. I need a judge's ruling on this.

"Days of the week" underpants?

Yes. They had
the days of the week on them

and I thought they were sort of funny.

And then one day, Sheldon says to me,
"You never wear Sunday."

He's all suspicious. Where was Sunday?
Where had I left Sunday?

I told him, and he didn't believe me.

- What?
- They don't make Sunday.

- Why not?
- Because of God.

Okay, so 15% of my share is 90.

$6.90.

I'll just leave $7.

What?

Do I have something on my face?

You're a very attractive person.

Thank you.

Amanda never said
how attractive you were.

Well, maybe she doesn't think
I'm attractive.

I don't think it's a matter of opinion.
Empirically, you are attractive.

- Amanda is my friend.
- So?

- So you're going with her.
- So?

So you're coming on to me.

No, I wasn't.

What?

Can't a man say a woman is attractive
without it being a come-on?

All right, all right.

Let's just say, just for the sake
of argument, that it was a come-on.

What do you want me to do about it?
I take it back, okay? I take it back.

- You can't take it back.
- Why not?

Because it's already out there.

Geez, what are we supposed to do?
Call the cops. It's already out there.

Just let it lie.

Okay?

Great. Let it lie. That's my policy.

That's what I always say, "Let it lie."

Wanna spend the night in a motel?

- See what I did? I didn't let it lie.
- Harry.

- I said I would, and then I didn't.
- Harry.

- I went the other way. What?
- Harry.

We are just going to be friends, okay?

Great. Friends. It's the best thing.

You realize, of course,
that we could never be friends.

Why not?

What I'm saying is...

And this is not a come-on
in any way, shape or form.

Is that men and women can't be friends

because the sex part
always gets in the way.

That's not true.

I have a number of men friends,
and there is no sex involved.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

You only think you do.

You're saying I'm having sex
with these men without my knowledge?

No. What I'm saying is
they all want to have sex with you.

- They do not.
- Do too.

- They do not.
- Do too.

How do you know?

Because no man can be friends
with a woman that he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

So you're saying that a man can be friends
with a woman he finds unattractive.

No. You pretty much want
to nail them, too.

What if they don't want
to have sex with you?

Doesn't matter,
because the sex thing is already out there

so the friendship's ultimately doomed,
and that's the end of the story.

- I guess we're not gonna be friends, then.
- Guess not.

That's too bad.

You were the only person
that I knew in New York.

- Thanks for the ride.
- Yeah. It was interesting.

- It was nice knowing you.
- Yeah.

Well, have a nice life.

You, too.

We fell in love in high school.

Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.

But then after our junior year,
his parents moved away.

But I never forgot her.

He never forgot me.

No. Her face was burned on my brain.

And it was 34 years later
that I was walking down Broadway

and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's.

We both looked at each other

and it was just as though
not a single day had gone by.

She was just as beautiful as she was at 16.

He was just the same.

He looked exactly the same.

Joe! I thought it was you.
I thought it was you.

- Harry Burns.
- Harry! Harry, how you doing?

- Good. How you doing?
- Fine. I'm doing fine.

That's great. I was just walking by
and I thought it was you.

And here it is, it's you.

- Yeah. Yeah, it was.
- You still with the D.A.'s office?

No. I switched to the other side.
What about you?

I'm working with a small firm.
We do political consulting.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, it's great.

Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns.

Harry and I, we used to...
We lived in the same building.

Well, listen, I got a plane to catch.
It was really good to see you, Joe.

- You, too, Harry.
- Bye.

Thank God he couldn't place me.

I drove from college to New York
with him five years ago

and it was the longest night of my life.

What happened?

He made a pass at me,
and when I said no...

He was going with a girlfriend of mine...

Oh, God, I can't remember her name.

Don't get involved with me, Joe.

I'm 26 years old,
and I can't even remember

the name of the girl
I was such good friends with

I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.

So what happened?

- When?
- When he made a pass at you,

you said, "No."

I said we could just be friends.

And this part I remember.

He said that men and women
could never really be friends.

- Do you think that's true?
- No.

Do you have any women friends?
Just friends?

No.

But I will get one if it's important to you.

Amanda Reese.

That was her name. Thank God!

I will miss you.

I love you.

- You do?
- Yes.

I love you.

- And what would you like to drink?
- Nothing, thanks.

- Do you have any Bloody Mary mix?
- Yes.

No, wait. Here's what I want.

Regular tomato juice
filled up about three-quarters.

Then add a splash
of Bloody Mary mix, just a splash,

and a little piece of lime, but on the side.

The University of Chicago, right?

Yes.

Did you look this good
at the University of Chicago?

- No.
- Did we ever...

No, no.

We drove from Chicago to New York
together after graduation.

- Would you two like to sit together?
- No.

Great! Thank you.

You were a good friend of...

Amanda's.

I can't believe
you can't remember her name.

What do you mean? I can remember.
Amanda, right? Amanda Rice.

- Reese.
- Reese. Right. That's what I said.

- What ever happened to her?
- I have no idea.

You have no idea?

You were really good friends with her.

We didn't make it
because you were such good friends.

- You went with her.
- And was it worth it?

The sacrifice for a friend
that you don't even keep in touch with?

Harry, you might not believe this

but I never considered
not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

- You were going to be a gymnast.
- A journalist.

Right. That's what I said. And?

I am a journalist. I work at The News.

Great. And you're with Joe.

Well, that's great.

Great. You're together what, three weeks?

A month. How did you know that?

You take someone to the airport,

it's clearly at the beginning
of a relationship.

That's why I have never taken
anyone to the airport

at the beginning of a relationship.

- Why?
- Because eventually things move on

and you don't take someone to the airport
and I never wanted anyone to say to me,

"How come you never take me
to the airport anymore?"

It's amazing.
You look like a normal person

but actually you are the Angel of Death.

Are you gonna marry him?

We have only known each other
for a month

and besides, neither one of us
is looking to get married right now.

- I'm getting married.
- You are?

- You are?
- Yeah.

- Who is she?
- Helen Hillson.

She's a lawyer. She's keeping her name.

- You're getting married?
- Yeah.

What's so funny about that?

It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.

Well, you'd be amazed
what falling madly in love can do for you.

Well, it's wonderful, it's nice to see you
embracing life in this manner.

Yeah, plus, you just get to a certain point
where you get tired of the whole thing.

- What whole thing?
- The whole "life of a single guy" thing.

You meet someone.
You have the safe lunch.

You decide you like each other enough
to move on to dinner.

You go dancing.
You do the White Man's Overbite.

Go back to her place, you have sex,
and the minute you're finished

you know what goes through your mind?

"How long do I have to lie here
and hold her

"before I can get up and go home?
Is 30 seconds enough?"

That's what you're thinking? Is that true?

Sure. All men think that.

How long do you like to be held
afterwards? All night, right?

See, that's the problem.

Somewhere between 30 seconds
and all night is your problem.

- I don't have a problem.
- Yeah, you do.

- Staying over?
- Yes.

Would you like to have dinner?
Just friends.

I thought you didn't believe
men and women could be friends.

- When did I say that?
- On the ride to New York.

No, no, no. I never said that.

Yes, that's right.

They can't be friends.

Unless both of them are involved
with other people. Then they can.

This is an amendment to the earlier rule.

If the two people are in relationships

the pressure of possible involvement
is lifted.

That doesn't work either,

because what happens then
is the person you're involved with

can't understand
why you need to be friends

with the person you're just friends with.

Like it means something is missing
from the relationship

and, "Why do you have to go outside
to get it?"

Then when you say,
"No, no, no, it's not true,

"nothing is missing from the relationship,"

the person you're involved with then
accuses you of being secretly attracted

to the person you're just friends with,
which you probably are.

I mean, come on, who the hell
are we kidding? Let's face it.

Which brings us back to the earlier rule
before the amendment,

which is men and women can't be friends.
So where does that leave us?

- Harry?
- What?

Goodbye.

Okay.

I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead.

We were married 40 years ago.

We were married three years,
we got a divorce.

- Then I married Marjorie.
- But first you lived with Barbara.

Right, Barbara. But I didn't marry Barbara.
I married Marjorie.

- Then he got a divorce.
- Right. Then I married Katie.

Another divorce.

Then a couple of years later
at Eddie Collecio's funeral,

I ran into her.

I was with some girl
I don't even remember.

- Roberta.
- Right. Roberta.

But I couldn't take my eyes off you.

I remember I snuck over to her and I said...

What did I say?

- You said, "What are you doing after?"
- Right.

So I ditch Roberta. We go for coffee.
A month later, we're married.

Thirty-five years today
after our first marriage.

I went through his pockets, okay.

Marie, why do you go
through his pockets?

- You know what I found?
- No, what?

They just bought a dining room table.

He and his wife just went out
and spent $1,600 on a dining room table.

- Where?
- The point isn't where, Alice.

The point is, he's never gonna leave her.

So what else is new?
You've known this for two years.

You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.

Why can't you find someone single?

When I was single,
I knew lots of nice single men.

There must be someone.

- Sally found someone.
- Sally got the last good one.

Joe and I broke up.

- What?
- When?

Monday.

- You waited three days to tell us?
- You mean Joe's available?

Oh, for God's sake, Marie,
don't you have any feelings about this?

- She's obviously upset.
- I'm not that upset.

We've been growing apart
for quite a while.

But you guys were a couple.
You had someone to go places with.

You had a date on national holidays.

I said to myself, "You deserve
more than this. You're 31 years old."

And the clock is ticking.

No, the clock doesn't really start to tick
until you're 36.

God, you're in such great shape.

I've had a few days to get used to it,
and I feel okay.

Good. Then you're ready.

- Really, Marie!
- Well, how else do you think you do it?

I've got the perfect guy.

I don't happen to find him attractive,
but you might.

She doesn't have a problem with chins.

- Marie, I'm not ready yet.
- You just said you were over him.

I am over him,
but I'm in a mourning period.

- Who is it?
- Alex Anderson.

- You fixed me up with him six years ago.
- Sorry.

- God.
- All right. Wait. Here.

Here we go. Ken Darman.

- He's been married for over a year.
- Really?

Married.

- Oh, wait. Wait, wait. I got one.
- Look.

There is no point in my going out
with someone I might really like

if I met him at the right time
but who right now has no chance

of being anything to me
but a transitional man.

Okay. But don't wait too long.

Remember what happened
with David Warsaw?

His wife left him, and everyone said,

"Give him some time.
Don't move in too fast."

Six months later, he was dead.

What are you saying, I should get married
to someone right away

in case he's about to die?

At least you could say you were married.

I'm saying that the right man for you
might be out there right now,

and if you don't grab him,
someone else will

and you'll have to spend the rest
of your life knowing that someone else

is married to your husband.

Set.

Hut!

- When did this happen?
- Friday.

Helen comes home from work,
and she says,

"I don't know if I want
to be married anymore."

Like it's the institution, you know.
Like it's nothing personal

just something she's been thinking about
in a casual way.

I'm calm. I say,

"Why don't we take some time
and think about it?

- "You know, don't rush into anything."
- Yeah, right.

Next day, she says she's thought about it
and she wants a trial separation.

She just wants to try it,
she says, but we can still date.

Like this is supposed to cushion the blow.

I mean, I got married
so I could stop dating.

So, I don't see where
we can still date is any big incentive

since the last thing you want to do
is date your wife

who's supposed to love you,
which is what I'm saying to her

when it occurs to me
that maybe she doesn't.

So I say to her,
"Don't you love me anymore?"

You know what she says?
"I don't know if I've ever loved you."

That's harsh.

You don't bounce back
from that right away.

Thanks, Jess.

No, I'm a writer. I know dialog.
And that's particularly harsh.

Then she tells me that somebody
in her office is going to South America

and she can sublet his apartment.

I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.

"I can sublet his apartment."

The words are still hanging in the air,

you know, like in a balloon
attached to a mouth...

- Like in a cartoon.
- Right.

So I go to the door,
and there are moving men there.

Now I start to get suspicious.

I say, "Helen, when did you call
these movers?"

And she doesn't say anything.

So I ask the movers, "When did
this woman book you for this gig?"

And they're just standing there,
three huge guys,

one of them wearing a T-shirt that says,
"Don't fuck with Mr. Zero."

So I said, "Helen, when did
you make this arrangement?"

She says, "A week ago."

I said, "You've known for a week,
and you didn't tell me?"

And she says,
"I didn't want to ruin your birthday."

You're saying Mr. Zero knew you were
getting a divorce a week before you did?

- Mr. Zero knew.
- I can't believe this.

I haven't told you the bad part yet.

What could be worse
than Mr. Zero knowing?

It's all a lie.

She's in love with somebody else.

Some tax attorney.
She moved in with him.

How did you find out?

I followed her. I stood outside the building.

- It's so humiliating.
- Tell me about it.

And, you know, I knew.

I knew the whole time that even though
we were happy it was an illusion

and that one day
she would kick the shit out of me.

Marriages don't break up
on account of infidelity.

It's just a symptom
that something else is wrong.

Oh, really?
Well, that symptom is fucking my wife.

So I just happened to see
his American Express bill.

What do you mean you
"just happened to see it"?

He was shaving,
and there it was in his briefcase.

What if he came out and saw you
looking through his briefcase?

You're missing the point.
I'm telling you what I found.

He just spent $120
on a new nightgown for his wife.

I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.

No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.

You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.

Someone is staring at you
in Personal Growth.

I know him.

You'd like him. He's married.

- Who is he?
- Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.

He's cute.

- You think he's cute?
- How do you know he's married?

'Cause last time I saw him
he was getting married.

- When was that?
- Six years ago.

So he might not be married anymore.

Also, he's obnoxious.

This is just like in the movies, remember

in The Lady Vanishes when she says to
him, "You're the most obnoxious man..."

- "The most contemptible."
- Then they fall madly in love.

- Also, he never remembers me.
- Sally Albright.

- Hi, Harry.
- I thought it was you.

It is. This is Marie.

- Was Marie.
- How are you?

- Fine.
- How's Joe?

Fine. I hear he's fine.

- You're not with Joe anymore?
- We just broke up.

I'm sorry. That's too bad.

Yeah. Well, you know. Yeah.

So, what about you?

- I'm fine.
- How's married life?

Not so good. I'm getting a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah. Well, what are you gonna do?

What happened with you guys?

When Joe and I started seeing each other,
we wanted exactly the same thing.

We wanted to live together
but we didn't want to get married

because every time anyone we knew
got married, it ruined their relationship.

They practically never had sex again.

It's true.

It's one of the secrets
that no one ever tells you.

I would sit around
with my girlfriends who have kids, and...

Actually, my one girlfriend
who has kids, Alice.

And she would complain about
how she and Gary never did it anymore.

She didn't even complain about it
now that I think about it.

She just said it matter-of-factly.

She said they were up all night,
they were both exhausted all the time,

the kids just took every
sexual impulse they had out of them.

Joe and I used to talk about it
and we'd say, "We're so lucky.

"We have this wonderful relationship.

"We can have sex on the kitchen floor
and not worry about the kids walking in.

"We can fly off to Rome
on a moment's notice."

And then one day I was taking
Alice's little girl for the afternoon

'cause I promised to take her to the circus.

And we were in the cab playing I Spy.

"I spy a mailbox. I spy a lamppost."

And she looked out the window
and saw this man and this woman

with these two little kids

and the man had one of the little kids
on his shoulders.

And she said, "I spy a family."

And I started to cry.

You know, I just started crying.

I went home, and I said,

"The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off
to Rome on a moment's notice."

- And the kitchen floor?
- Not once.

It's this very cold,
hard Mexican ceramic tile.

Anyway, we talked about it for a long time

and I said, "This is what I want."
And he said, "Well, I don't."

And I said, "Well, I guess it's over."
And he left.

And the thing is, I feel really fine.

I am over him.
I mean, I really am over him.

That was it for him.
That was the most that he could give,

and every time I think about it,

I am more and more convinced
that I did the right thing.

- Boy, you sound really healthy.
- Yeah.

- At least I got the apartment.
- That's what everybody says to me, too.

But, really, what's so hard
about finding an apartment?

What you do is you read
the obituary column.

You find out who died, go to the building,
and then you tip the doorman.

What they could do to make it easier
is combine the obituaries

with the real estate section.

Then you have, "Mr. Klein died today,
leaving a wife, two children

"and a spacious three-bedroom apartment
with a wood-burning fireplace."

You know, the first time we met,
I really didn't like you that much.

- I didn't like you.
- Yeah, you did.

You were just so uptight then.
You're much softer now.

You know, I hate that kind of remark.

It sounds like a compliment,
but really it's an insult.

Okay, you're still as hard as nails.

I just didn't want to sleep with you,
and you had to write it off

as a character flaw
instead of dealing with the possibility

that it might have something
to do with you.

What's the statute of limitations
on apologies?

- Ten years.
- I can just get it in under the wire.

Would you like to have dinner
with me sometime?

Are we becoming friends now?

Well... Yeah.

Great. A woman friend.

You know,
you may be the first attractive woman

I have not wanted to sleep with
in my entire life.

That's wonderful, Harry.

- We were both born in the same hospital.
- In 1921.

- Seven days apart.
- In the same hospital.

We both grew up
one block away from each other.

We both lived in tenements.

- On the Lower East Side.
- On Delancey Street.

My family moved to the Bronx
when I was 10.

He lived on Fordham Road.

- Hers moved when she was 11.
- I lived on 183rd Street.

For six years she worked
on the 15th floor...

I worked for a very prominent neurologist.

...as a nurse where I had a practice on
the 14th floor of the very same building.

- We never met.
- Never met.

Can you imagine that?

You know where we met?

- In an elevator...
- I was visiting family.

...in the Ambassador Hotel

- in Chicago, Illinois.
- He was on the third floor.

I was on the 12th.

I rode up nine extra floors
just to keep talking to her.

Nine extra floors.

- Hello.
- You sleeping?

No, I was watching Casablanca.

- Channel, please.
- Eleven.

Thank you. Got it.

Now you're telling me you'd be happier

with Victor Laszlo
than with Humphrey Bogart?

- When did I say that?
- When we drove to New York.

I never said that.
I would never have said that.

All right, fine. Have it your way.

- Have you been sleeping?
- Why?

'Cause I haven't been sleeping.

I really miss Helen.

Maybe I'm coming down with something.

Last night I was up at 4:00 in the morning
watching Leave It To Beaver in Spanish.

I'm not well.

I went to bed at 7:30 last night.
I haven't done that since the third grade.

That's the good thing about depression.
You get your rest.

- I'm not depressed.
- Okay, fine.

Do you still sleep
on the same side of the bed?

I did for a while, but now
I'm pretty much using the whole bed.

God, that's great.

I feel weird
when just my leg wanders over.

I miss her.

- I don't miss him. I really don't.
- Not even a little?

You know what I miss?

I miss the idea of him.

Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen.

No, I miss the whole Helen.

Last scene.

Goodbye, Rick. I will miss you.

Ingrid Bergman.

- Now, she's low maintenance.
- Low maintenance?

There are two kinds of women,
high maintenance and low maintenance.

And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

An LM, definitely.

- Which one am I?
- You're the worst kind.

You're high maintenance,
but you think you're low maintenance.

- I don't see that.
- You don't see that?

"Waiter, I'll begin with the house salad
but I don't want the regular dressing.

"I'll have the balsamic vinegar
and oil but on the side.

"And then the salmon
with the mustard sauce,

"but I want the mustard sauce
on the side."

"On the side" is a very big thing for you.

- Well, I just want it the way I want it.
- I know. High maintenance.

10,000 francs should pay our expenses.

Our expenses?

Louis, I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

Best last line of a movie ever.

I'm definitely coming down
with something.

Probably a 24-hour tumor.
They're going around.

- You don't have a tumor.
- How do you know?

If you're so worried, go see a doctor.

No, he'll just tell me it's nothing.

- Will you be able to sleep?
- If not, I'll be okay.

- What'll you do?
- I'll stay up and moan.

Maybe I should practice now.

Good night, Harry.

Good night.

I had my dream again,

where I'm making love
and the Olympic judges are watching.

I'd nailed the compulsories.
So this is it, the finals.

I got a 9.8 from the Canadian,
a perfect 10 from the American,

and my mother, disguised as
an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.

Must have been the dismount.

Basically, it's the same one
I've been having since I was 12.

- What happens?
- No, it's too embarrassing.

- Don't tell me.
- Okay, there's this guy.

- What's he look like?
- I don't know.

- He's just kind of faceless.
- Faceless guy, okay. Then what?

He rips off my clothes.

- Then what happens?
- That's it.

That's it?

A faceless guy rips off your clothes

and that's the sex fantasy
you've been having since you were 12?

Exactly the same?

Well, sometimes I vary it a little.

- Which part?
- What I'm wearing.

- What?
- Nothing.

I have decided that for the rest of the day
we are going to talk like this.

- Like this?
- No. Please to repeat after me.

- Pepper.
- Pepper.

- Pepper.
- Pepper.

- Pepper.
- Pepper.

Waiter, there is too much pepper
on my paprikash.

- Waiter, there is too much pepper...
- There is too much pepper...

- ...on my paprikash.
- ...on my paprikash.

But I would be proud
to partake of your pecan pie.

Oh, no.

- But I would be proud.
- But I would be proud.

- To partake.
- To partake.

- Of your pecan pie.
- Of your pecan pie.

- Pecan pie.
- Pecan pie.

- Pecan pie.
- Pecan pie.

Would you like to go
to the movies with me tonight?

Would you like to go...

Not to repeat, please, to answer.

Would you like to go
to the movies with me tonight?

I'd love to, Harry, but I can't.

What, do you have a hot date?

Well, yeah. Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I was going to tell you about it, but, I don't
know, I just... I felt strange about it.

Why?

Well, because we've been spending
so much time together.

I think it's great that you have a date.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- Is that what you're gonna wear?
- Yeah.

Well, I don't know. Why?

I think you should wear skirts more.
You look really good in skirts.

- I do?
- Yeah.

You know, I have a theory
that hieroglyphics

are really an ancient comic strip
about a character named Sphinxy.

You know, Harry,
I think you should get out there, too.

- Oh, I'm not ready.
- You should.

I would not be good
for anybody right now.

It's time.

It was the most uncomfortable
night of my life.

See, no, it has to go this way.

The first date back
is always the toughest, Harry.

You only had one date.

How do you know
it's not gonna get worse?

How much worse
can it get than finishing dinner,

having him reach over,
pull a hair out of my head

and start flossing with it at the table?

We're talking dream date
compared to my horror.

It started out fine.
She's a very nice person.

And we're sitting and we're talking
in this Ethiopian restaurant

that she wanted to go to.

And I was making jokes, you know, like,

"Hey, I didn't know
that they had food in Ethiopia.

"This'll be a quick meal. I'll order
two empty plates and we can leave."

Yeah. Nothing from her, not even a smile.

I downshift into small talk,
and I ask her where she went to school

and she says Michigan State
and this reminds me of Helen.

All of a sudden I'm in the middle
of this massive anxiety attack.

My heart's beating like a wild man,
and I start sweating like a pig.

Helen went to Michigan State?

No, she went to Northwestern,
but they're both Big Ten schools.

I got so upset,
I had to leave the restaurant.

Harry, I think this takes a long time.
It might be months

before we're actually able to enjoy
going out with someone new.

Yeah.

And maybe longer before we're actually
able to go to bed with someone new.

Oh, I went to bed with her.

- You went to bed with her?
- Sure.

I don't understand this relationship.

What do you mean?

- You enjoy being with her?
- Yeah.

- Do you find her attractive?
- Yeah.

- And you're not sleeping with her?
- No.

You're afraid to let yourself be happy.

Why can't you give me credit for this?
This is a big thing for me.

I've never had a relationship
with a woman that didn't involve sex.

- I feel like I'm growing.
- Are you finished?

Hey, I got a whole stack of quarters
and I was here first.

- Were not!
- Was too!

- Were not!
- Was too!

- Big jerk.
- Little creep.

- Where was I?
- You were growing.

Yeah.

It's very freeing.

I can say anything to her.

Are you saying you can say things to her
you can't say to me?

No, it's just different.
It's a whole different perspective.

I get the woman's point of view on things.

She tells me about the men
that she goes out with,

and I can talk to her
about the women that I see.

- You tell her about other women?
- Yeah.

Like the other night, I made love
to this woman, it was so incredible.

I took her to a place that wasn't human.

She actually meowed.

- You made a woman meow?
- Yeah.

That's the point.
I can say these things to her.

And the great thing is, I don't have to lie

because I'm not always thinking
about how to get her into bed.

I can just be myself.

You made a woman meow?

So what do you do with these women?
You just get up out of bed and leave?

- Sure.
- Explain to me how you do it.

What do you say?

I say I have an early meeting,
early haircut, early squash game.

- You don't play squash.
- They don't know that, they just met me.

- That's disgusting.
- I know. I feel terrible.

You know,
I'm so glad I never got involved with you.

I just would have ended up
being some woman

you had to get up out of bed and leave
at 3:00 in the morning

and go clean your andirons.

And you don't even have a fireplace.
Not that I would know this.

Why are you getting so upset?
This is not about you.

Yes, it is.

You are a human affront to all women,
and I am a woman.

Hey, I don't feel great about this,
but I don't hear anyone complaining.

Of course not.
You're out the door too fast.

I think they have an okay time.

- How do you know?
- What do you mean, "How do I know?"

I know.

- Because they...
- Yes, because they...

How do you know that they're really...

What are you saying?
That they fake orgasm?

- It's possible.
- Get out of here.

Why? Most women, at one time
or another, have faked it.

- Well, they haven't faked it with me.
- How do you know?

Because I know.

Oh. Right. That's right.

I forgot. You're a man.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

It's just that all men are sure
it never happened to them,

and most women at one time
or another have done it,

so you do the math.

You don't think
that I can tell the difference?

- No.
- Get out of here.

Are you okay?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, right there.

Oh, God.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, God.

I'll have what she's having.

I like you without your beard.
You can see your face.

Yeah, this is my face.

Dipping you.

I really want to thank you
for taking me out tonight.

Oh, don't be silly.

And next New Year's Eve,
if neither one of us is with anybody

- you got a date.
- Deal.

See? Now we can dance cheek-to-cheek.

Hey, everybody, 10 seconds to New Year!

- Ten, nine, eight...
- Wanna get some air?

- Yeah.
- ...seven, six

five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.

Well, he was the head counselor
at the boys' camp

and I was the head counselor
at the girls' camp.

And they had a social one night,
and he walked across the room.

I thought he was coming
to talk to my friend Maxine

'cause people were always
crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.

But he was coming to talk to me,
and he said...

"I'm Ben Small
of the Coney Island Smalls."

At that moment, I knew.

I knew the way you know
about a good melon.

You sent flowers to yourself?

$60 I spent on this big,
stupid arrangement of flowers

and I wrote a card that I planned
to leave on the front table

where Arthur would just happen to see it.

What did the card say?

"Please say yes. Love, Jonathan."

- Did it work?
- He never even came over.

He forgot this charity thing
that his wife is chairman of.

- He's never gonna leave her!
- Of course he isn't.

You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.

- Where is this place?
- Somewhere on the next block.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Look, Harry is one of my best friends,
and you are one of my best friends,

and if, by some chance, you two hit it off,
then we could all still be friends

instead of drifting apart the way you do

when you get involved with someone
who doesn't know your friends.

You and I haven't drifted apart
since I started seeing Arthur.

If Arthur ever left his wife
and I actually met him

I am sure that you and I would drift apart.

He's never gonna leave her.

Of course he isn't.

You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.

- I don't know about this.
- It's just a dinner.

You know,
I've finally gotten to a place in my life

where I'm comfortable with the fact
that it's just me and my work.

If she's so great,
why aren't you taking her out?

How many times do I have to tell you?
We're just friends.

- You're saying she's not that attractive?
- No, I told you she is attractive.

Yeah, but you also said
she had a good personality.

She has a good personality.

What?

When someone's not that attractive

they're always described
as having a good personality.

Look, if you had asked me,
"What does she look like?"

And I said, "She has a good personality,"
that means she's not attractive.

But just because I happen to mention
that she has a good personality

she could be either.

She could be attractive
with a good personality

or not attractive with a good personality.

- So which one is she?
- Attractive.

But not beautiful, right?

It's like whenever I read Jimmy Breslin

it's as if he's leaving
some kind of a wake-up call

for the City of New York.

What do you mean by a wake-up call?

Well, he's saying the people in the city...

- An art director.
- Would I have seen your windows?

Did you see the Barneys thing a couple
of weeks ago? I did a thing with hostages.

- The people in blindfolds.
- Yeah.

I thought it was like late '80s.

- It's macho.
- That's interesting.

Let's just say I'm really just not a big fan
of Jimmy Breslin.

Well, he's the reason I became a writer,
but that's not important.

Harry, you and Marie
are both from New Jersey.

- Really?
- Where are you from?

- South Orange.
- Haddonfield.

So what are we gonna order?

Well, I'm going to start
with the grilled radicchio.

Jess, Sally is a great orderer.

Not only does she always pick
the best thing on the menu

but she orders in a way that even the chef
didn't know how good it could be.

I think restaurants have become
too important.

I agree.

"Restaurants are to people in the '80s
what theater was to people in the '60s."

I read that in a magazine.

I wrote that.

- Get out of here.
- No, I did. I wrote that.

I've never quoted anything
from a magazine in my life.

That's amazing.

Don't you think that's amazing?
And you wrote it?

I also wrote,
"Pesto is the quiche of the '80s."

- Get over yourself!
- I did!

- Where did I read that?
- New York Magazine.

Sally writes for New York Magazine.

You know, that piece
had a real impact on me.

I mean, I don't know
that much about writing, but...

It spoke to you, and that pleases me.

I mean, I really... You have to admire
people who can be that articulate...

Nobody has ever quoted me
back to me before.

I've been looking for a red suede pump.

What do you think of Jess?

- Well...
- Do you think you could go out with him?

- I don't know.
- 'Cause I feel really comfortable with him.

- You want to go out with Jess.
- If it would be all right with you.

Sure, sure.

I'm just worried about Harry.
He's very sensitive.

He's going through a rough period

and I just don't want you
to reject him right now.

- I wouldn't. I totally understand.
- Okay.

If you don't think you're gonna
call Marie, do you mind if I call her?

- No.
- Good, good, good.

But for tonight, you shouldn't.
I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now.

I mean, you can call Marie, it's fine,
but just, like, wait a week or so, you know.

- Don't make any moves tonight.
- Fine, no problem.

I wasn't even thinking about tonight.

Well, I don't really feel much
like walking any more.

I think I'll get a cab.

- I'll go with you.
- Great!

Taxi!

A man came to me and said,
"I found nice girl for you.

"She lives in the next village
and she is ready for marriage."

We were not supposed to meet
until the wedding,

but I wanted to make sure.

So I sneak into her village,
hid behind a tree,

watch her washing the clothes.

I think if I don't like the way she looks,

I don't marry her.

But she looked really nice to me.

So I said, "Okay," to the man.

We get married.

We're married for 55 years.

- I have to get this. I have to get this.
- Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.

I know, we'll find them something.
There's great stuff here.

- We should've gone to the plant store.
- Here. Perfect for them.

What's that?

Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan.

Why is this necessary in life?

I don't know. Look. Look at this.
It also makes great fries.

Good.

Call off the dogs. The hunt is over.

Sally, this is the greatest.

Sally, please report to me.

Look at this, this is the greatest.
You're gonna love this.

This is a singing machine. Look.

You sing the lead,
and this has the backup and everything.

This is from Oklahoma.
Here's the lyrics right here.

- Surrey With The Fringe On Top.
- Yes. Perfect.

Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you out in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey
with the fringe on top!

Now you.

Watch that fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high stepping strutters

Nosey pokes'll peek thru' their shutters
and their eyes will pop!

The wheels are yeller,
the upholstery's brown

The dashboard's genuine leather

With isinglass curtains...

What?

It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice.

- Know. It's terrible. Joe hated my voice.
- It's Helen.

Helen?

She's coming right towards me.

How are you, Harry?

Fine. I'm fine.

- This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns.
- Harry.

I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright.
Helen Hillson and Ira.

Sally.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

Well... See you.

Yeah. Bye.

Nice to meet you, Ira.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm perfect.

She looked weird, didn't she?
She looked really weird.

- She looked very weird.
- I've never seen her before.

Trust me. She looked weird.
Her legs looked heavy.

- Really. She must be retaining water.
- Harry.

Believe me, the woman saved everything.

You sure you're okay?

Oh, I'm fine.
Look, it had to happen at some point.

In a city of eight million people,
you're bound to run into your ex-wife.

So, boom, it happened. And now I'm fine.

I like it. It works. It says home to me.

All right. All right.
we'll let Harry and Sally be the judge.

What do you think?

- It's nice.
- Case closed.

Of course he likes it. He's a guy. Sally.

What's so awful about it?

It's so awful, there's no way to even begin
to explain what's so awful about it.

Honey, I don't object to any of your things.

If we had an extra room,
you could put all your things in it,

including your bar stools...

Honey, wait, wait. Wait.
You don't like my bar stools?

Harry, come on.
Someone has to be on my side.

I'm on your side. I'm just trying
to help you have good taste.

I have good taste.

Everybody thinks they have
good taste and a sense of humor

but they couldn't possibly
all have good taste.

You know, it's funny.
We started out like this, Helen and I.

We had blank walls. We hung things.
We picked out tiles together.

Then you know what happens?
Six years later, you find yourself singing

Surrey With The Fringe On Top
in front of Ira!

Do we have to talk about this right now?

Yes, I think that right now actually is
the perfect time to talk about this

because I want our friends to benefit
from the wisdom of my experience.

Right now everything is great.

Everyone is happy, everyone is in love.
And that's wonderful.

But you gotta know that sooner or later
you're gonna be screaming at each other

about who's gonna get this dish.

This $8 dish will cost you
$1,000 in phone calls

to the legal firm
of That's Mine, This is Yours.

- Harry.
- Please.

Jess, Marie,
do me a favor, for your own good,

put your name in your books right now

before they get mixed up
and you don't know whose is whose.

Because someday, believe it or not,

you'll go 15 rounds over
who's gonna get this coffee table.

This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers,
garage sale coffee table!

- I thought you liked it.
- I was being nice!

He just bumped into Helen.

I want you to know

that I will never want
that wagon wheel coffee table.

I know. I know. I shouldn't have done it.

Harry, you're gonna have to try and find
a way of not expressing

every feeling that you have,
every moment that you have them.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

There are times and places for things.

Well, the next time you're giving
a lecture series on social graces,

would you let me know?
'Cause I'll sign up.

Hey! You don't have to take
your anger out on me.

Oh, I think I'm entitled
to throw a little anger your way,

especially when I'm being told how
to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I mean nothing bothers you.

- You never get upset about anything.
- Don't be ridiculous.

What? You never get upset about Joe.

I never see that back up on you.
How is that possible?

Don't you experience any feelings of loss?

I don't have to take this crap from you.

If you're so over Joe,
why aren't you seeing anyone?

- I see people!
- See people.

Have you slept with one person
since you broke up with Joe?

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?

That will prove I'm over Joe,
because I fuck somebody?

Harry, you're gonna have to move back
to New Jersey

because you slept
with everybody in New York

and I don't see that turning Helen
into a faint memory for you.

Besides, I will make love to somebody
when it is making love,

not the way you do it,
like you're out for revenge, or something.

Are you finished now?

Yes.

Can I say something?

Yes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't say a word.

It's a monkey. It's a monkey.
Monkey see, monkey do.

- It's an ape. Going ape.
- It's a baby!

- Planet of the Apes.
- Planet of the Apes?

She just said it's a baby.

- How about Planet of the Dopes?
- It doesn't look like a baby.

Bigmouth baby. Mick Jagger as a baby!

- Baby ape! Baby ape!
- Stop with the apes, would you?

- Baby's breath!
- Rosemary's Baby's mouth.

- Won't you come home, Bill Baby?
- Kiss the baby.

- Melancholy Baby's mouth.
- Baby fish mouth! Baby fish mouth!

- Fifteen seconds.
- Baby boom!

- Baby...
- Draw something resembling anything.

- Crying baby. Kiss the baby.
- Baby spitting up. Exorcist baby!

- Yes, sir, that's my baby!
- No, sir, don't mean maybe.

- That's it. Time's up.
- Baby talk.

Baby talk? What's that?
That's not a saying.

Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping
the nation. I hear them talking.

Final score. Our team, 110. You guys, 60.

I can't draw.

No. That's a baby, and it's clearly talking.

You're wonderful.

All right, who wants coffee?

- I do, and I love you.
- Do you have any tea?

- One tea.
- Industrial strength.

- I'll help you. Decaf?
- Yeah.

- Three.
- Decaf.

- Cream?
- Four.

- Where's the bathroom?
- Through that door, down the hall.

Never looked like a baby to me.

- Which part?
- All of it.

Hey, Jess, you were gonna show me
the cover art for your book.

Oh, yeah. It's in the den.

Look, Julian, help yourself. Have
some more wine, whatever you like, okay.

I like saying, "It's in the den."
It's got a nice ring to it.

Emily is a little young for Harry,
don't you think?

Well, she's young,
but look what she's done.

What has she done? She makes desserts.

Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you?

He's a good guy.
You should talk to him, get to know him.

He's too tall to talk to.

She makes
3,500 chocolate mousse pies a week.

Emily is Aunt Emily?

He took us all to a Met game last week.
It was great.

- You all went to a Met game together?
- Yeah, it was a last-minute thing.

But Sally hates baseball.

- Harry doesn't even like sweets.
- Julian is great.

I know. He's a grown-up.

- Emily is terrific.
- Yeah.

Of course, when I asked her
where she was when Kennedy was shot

- she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
- No.

- Hello.
- Are you alone?

- Yeah, I was just finishing a book.
- Could you come over?

- What's the matter?
- He's getting married.

- Who?
- Joe.

I'll be right there.

Hi.

Are you all right?

Come on in.

- I'm sorry to call you so late.
- It's all right.

- I need a Kleenex.
- Okay.

Okay.

He just called me up,
"Wanted to see how you were."

"Fine. How are you?" "Fine."

His secretary is on vacation,
everything's all backed up,

he's got a big case in Newark,
blah, blah, blah.

And I'm sitting on the phone thinking,
"I'm over him. I really am over him.

"I can't believe I was ever
remotely interested in any of this."

And then he said, "I have some news."

She works in his office. She's a paralegal.
Her name's Kimberly.

He just met her.

She's supposed to be
his transitional person.

She's not supposed to be the one.

All this time, I've been saying
that he didn't want to get married.

But the truth is,
he didn't want to marry me.

He didn't love me.

If you could take him back right now,
would you?

No!

But why didn't he want to marry me?

- What's the matter with me?
- Nothing.

- I'm difficult.
- You're challenging.

I'm too structured.
I'm completely closed off.

But in a good way.

No, no, no, I drove him away.

And I'm gonna be 40.

When?

- Someday.
- In eight years.

But it's there.

It's just sitting there
like this big dead end.

And it's not the same for men.

Charlie Chaplin had babies
when he was 73.

Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.

Oh, come here. Come here.

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be fine. You'll see.

Go ahead.
It's not one of my favorites anyway.

It's gonna be okay.

Okay? You're okay.

I'll make some tea.

Harry, could you just hold me
a little longer?

Oh, sure.

- Are you comfortable?
- Sure.

Do you want something
to drink, or something?

No, I'm okay.

Well, I'm gonna get up for some water,
so it's really no trouble.

Okay, water.

You have all your videotapes
alphabetized and on index cards?

- Thank you.
- Do you want to watch something?

- No, not unless you do.
- No. That's okay.

- Do you want to go to sleep?
- Okay.

Where are you going?

I gotta go.

I gotta go home, change my clothes
and then I have to go to work.

And so do you.

But after work I'd like to take you
out to dinner if you're free.

- Are you free?
- Yes.

All right. I'll call you later.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Yours.

- Hello.
- I'm sorry to call so early.

- Are you all right?
- No one I know would call at this hour.

- I did something terrible.
- What did you do?

- No one I know would call at this hour.
- It's so awful.

- I need to talk.
- What happened?

- What's the matter?
- Harry came over last night.

I went over to Sally's last night.

Because I was upset
that Joe was getting married.

- And one thing led to another.
- And before I knew it we were kissing.

- To make a long story short, we did it.
- We did it.

- They did it.
- They did it.

That's great, Sally.

- We've been praying for it.
- You should've done it in the first place.

For months we've been saying
you should do it.

You guys belong together.

- It's like killing two birds with one stone.
- It's like two wrongs make a right.

- How was it?
- The during part was good.

- I thought it was good.
- But then I felt suffocated.

Then I guess it wasn't.

- Jesus, I'm sorry.
- The worst.

- I had to get out of there.
- He just disappeared.

- I feel so bad.
- I'm so embarrassed.

- I don't blame you.
- That's horrible.

- I think I'm coming down with something.
- I think I'm catching a cold.

It would've been great if it worked out,
but it didn't.

You should never go to bed with anyone

when you find out
your last boyfriend's getting married.

- Who's that talking?
- Who?

- Is that Jess on the phone?
- It's Jane Fonda on the VCR.

- It's Bryant Gumbel.
- You want to come over for breakfast?

- No, I'm not up to it.
- No, I feel too awful.

- Good. I mean it's so early.
- But call me later if you want.

- I'll call you later, okay?
- Okay, bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- God!
- I know.

Tell me I'll never have
to be out there again.

You will never have to be out there again.

I'll just say we made a mistake.

Sally, it was a mistake.

I just hope I get to say it first.

I hope she says it before I do.

It was a mistake.

I am so relieved that you think so, too.

I'm not saying last night wasn't great.

- It was.
- Yes, it was.

- We just never should have done it.
- I couldn't agree more.

- I'm so relieved.
- Great.

Yeah.

Two mixed green salads.

It is so nice when you can sit
with someone and not have to talk.

It's just, like, most of the time,
you go to bed with someone

and then she tells you all her stories,
you tell all your stories.

Well, with Sally and me,
we'd already heard each other's stories.

So once we went to bed, we didn't know
what we were supposed to do. You know?

Sure, Harry.

I don't know.

Maybe you get to a certain point
in a relationship

where it's just too late to have sex.

You know?

Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?

I don't think so.

Is he seeing anyone?

He was seeing this anthropologist, but...

- What does she look like?
- Thin. Pretty. Big tits.

Your basic nightmare.

What do you think?

Oh, Marie.

Tell the truth.

It's just beautiful.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the marriage
of Marie and Jess,

and to consecrate
their vows of matrimony.

The vows they will take join their lives.

The wine they will share
binds all their hopes together.

And by the rings they will wear,
they will be known to all

as husband and wife.

I've never seen her so happy.
She's a totally different person.

Oh, yeah, she is.

It's great,
but what are we gonna do about you?

- Me?
- Honey, you want to dance?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do.

Excuse us.

-Hello.

- Nice ceremony.
- Beautiful.

Boy, the holidays are rough.

Every year I just try to get
from the day before Thanksgiving

to the day after New Year's.

A lot of suicides.

- Would you like a pea pod with shrimp?
- Thank you.

- How have you been?
- Fine.

Are you seeing anybody?

- Harry.
- What?

- I don't want to talk about this.
- Why not?

I don't want to talk about it.

Why can't we get past this?

I mean, are we gonna carry
this thing around forever?

- Forever? It just happened.
- It happened three weeks ago.

You know how a year to a person
is like seven years to a dog?

Yes.

Is one of us supposed
to be a dog in this scenario?

- Yes.
- Who is the dog?

- You are.
- I am?

I am the dog? I am the dog? I...

I don't see that, Harry.
If anybody is the dog, you are the dog.

You want to act like
what happened didn't mean anything.

I'm not saying it didn't mean anything.

I'm saying,
why does it have to mean everything?

Because it does. And you should
know that better than anybody

because the minute that it happens,
you walk right out the door.

- I didn't walk out.
- No. Sprinted is more like it.

- We both agreed it was a mistake.
- The worst mistake I ever made.

- What do you want from me?
- I don't want anything from you!

Fine! Fine! But let's just get
one thing straight.

I did not go over there that night
to make love to you.

That is not why I went there.

But you looked up at me
with these big, weepy eyes.

"Don't go home tonight, Harry.

"Hold me a little longer, Harry."
What was I supposed to do?

What are you saying?
You took pity on me?

- No, I was...
- Fuck you!

Everybody, could I have
your attention, please?

I'd like to propose a toast
to Harry and Sally.

To Harry and Sally.

If Marie or I had found either of them
remotely attractive

we would not be here today.

Hi. It's me.

It's the holiday season
and I thought I'd remind you

that this is the season
of charity and forgiveness.

And, although it is not widely known,

it is also the season of groveling.

So if you felt like calling me back

I'd be more than happy to do
the traditional Christmas grovel.

Give me a call.

Hi. I'm not home right now.
I'll call you right back.

If you're there, please pick up the phone.
I really want to talk to you.

The fact that you're not answering
leads me to believe

you're either, A, not at home.

B, home, but don't want to talk to me
or C, home,

desperately want to talk to me,
but trapped under something heavy.

If it's either A or C, please call me back.

Obviously she doesn't want to talk to me.

What do I have to do,
be hit over the head?

If she wants to call me, she'll call me.

I'm through making a schmuck
out of myself.

If you are feeling sad and lonely
There's a service I can render

Tell the one who digs you only

I can be so warm and tender

Call me

Maybe it's late to just call me

Don't be afraid to just phone moi

Call me and I'll be around

- Give me a call.
- Hi, Harry.

Hello. Hi. Hi.
I didn't know that you were there.

- What are you doing?
- I was just on my way out.

Where are you going?

- What do you want, Harry?
- Nothing. Nothing.

I just called to say I'm sorry.

Okay.

- I gotta go.
- Wait a second. Wait a second.

What are you doing for New Year's?
Are you going to the Tylers' party?

'Cause I don't have a date.
And if you don't have a date

we always said that
if neither one of us had a date

we could be together for New Year's
and it could, you know...

I can't do this anymore.
I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye.

And here we are once again,

the 16th annual New Year's Rocking Eve
coming to you live...

What's so bad about this?

You got Dick Clark. That's tradition.

You got Mallomars,
the greatest cookie of all time.

And you're about to give the Knicks
their first championship since 1973.

I don't know why I let you drag me to this.

This is much better. Fresh air.
I have the streets all to myself.

Who needs to be at a big, crowded party
pretending to have a good time?

Plus this is the perfect time
to catch up on my window shopping.

This is good.

So the guy says, "Read the card."

- I'm going home.
- You'll never get a taxi.

Oh, God!

You realize, of course,
that we could never be friends.

Why not?

What I'm saying is that
men and women can't be friends

because the sex part
always gets in the way.

That's not true.

No man can be friends
with a woman he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

What if they don't want
to have sex with you?

Doesn't matter,
because the sex thing is already out there

so friendship is ultimately doomed,
and that is the end of the story.

- I guess we're not gonna be friends then.
- Guess not.

It's too bad, because you were
the only person that I knew in New York.

- I'm going.
- It's almost midnight.

The thought of not kissing somebody
is just...

I'll kiss you.

Hey, taxi! Taxi!

Shit.

Come on. Stay. Please.

Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go.

- Oh, wait two minutes.
- I'll call you tomorrow.

I've been doing a lot of thinking,
and the thing is, I love you.

- What?
- I love you.

How do you expect me to respond to this?

- How about you love me, too?
- How about "I'm leaving"?

Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?

I'm sorry, Harry.
I know it's New Year's Eve.

I know you're feeling lonely,
but you just can't show up here,

tell me you love me and expect that
to make everything all right.

- Three, two, one!
- It doesn't work this way.

- Well, how does it work?
- I don't know, but not this way.

Then how about this way?

I love that you get cold
when it's 71 degrees out.

I love that it takes you
an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

I love that you get a little crinkle
above your nose

when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

I love that after I spend a day with you,

I can still smell your perfume
on my clothes,

and I love that you are the last person
I wanna talk to

before I go to sleep at night.

And it's not because I'm lonely,
and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight
because when you realize

you want to spend the rest
of your life with somebody

you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.

You see?

That is just like you, Harry.

You say things like that and you make it
impossible for me to hate you.

And I hate you, Harry.

I really hate you.

I hate you.

What does this song mean? My whole life,
I don't know what this song means.

I mean, should old acquaintance be forgot?

Does that mean that we
should forget old acquaintances

or does it mean if we happen to forget
them, we should remember them,

which is not possible
because we already forgot them.

Well, maybe it just means

that we should remember
that we forgot them, or something.

Anyway, it's about old friends.

The first time we met,
we hated each other.

No, you didn't hate me. I hated you.

The second time we met,
you didn't even remember me.

I did too. I remembered you.

The third time we met, we became friends.

- We were friends for a long time.
- And then we weren't.

And then we fell in love.

- Three months later, we got married.
- And it only took three months.

Twelve years and three months.

We had this...
We had a really wonderful wedding.

- It was... It really was a beautiful wedding.
- It was great.

We had this enormous coconut cake.

A huge coconut cake with the tiers

and there was
this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.

Right, 'cause not everybody likes it on
the cake 'cause it makes it very soggy.

Particularly the coconut,
soaks up a lot of that stuff, so you really...

- It's important to keep it on the side.
- Right.