Original subtitles

[rock riff plays]

This fight between the guys is really bad.

Yeah, Jay came by and returned the snow cone machine Nate got him.

And where he put the snow cone juice?

Let's say the only flavor it makes now is yellow.

This is why I only get snow cones from an authorized dealer.

Know how many times those two Dutch-ovened me in their van

until I gave them money for gas?

Once a week.

And twice on my birthday.

-They are on their own. -Well, I need them to make up soon.

Now that Jay doesn't have his bro around, he's turned me into his substitute Nate.

[shouts] Not in my house!

Whoo!

-Hey, can I get some of that? -Sure.

Dude!

This is mine now.

Leia, look. I'm Ace Ventura.

"Excuse me! I'd like to ass-k you a few questions."

You talked to his butt?

It said something really sweet to me last night.

It's very confusing.

Leia, there's two dogs humping, and they're different sizes.

The smaller one is on top.

Just like them.

-[theme music plays] -Come on, you're gonna miss it.

♪ Hanging out down the street ♪

♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

What are you studying for?

Did I forget to sign the kids up for school again?

I'm dating this new guy, Theo,

so I'm writing questions for him to make sure we're on the same page.

Oh, That is a good idea.

Get all the information up front.

My friend Evelyn married a devil worshiper.

Remember that guy, Red? He was at the Johnsons' party.

He made that pentagram out of the pool noodles.

I remember 20 minutes ago

when I was sitting here, reading the paper, by myself.

Ahh, those were the days.

New boyfriend already? I'm so happy for you, Nikki.

No, I'm not.

What happened to that guy you made out with at the wrestling thing?

He gave me his number on the back of a Dairy Queen coupon.

But it's gone now.

Because my mother treats her depression with Peanut Buster Parfaits.

-Ms. Runck. -Yeah?

-You enjoy the company of a random guy. -I do.

Have you ever wanted to find one after?

I tried once, and I ended up on Cops.

They blurred out my face, but you can see my C-section scar plain as day.

Oh... I thought that was you.

Ozzie.

Have you ever heard of missed connections?

It is my favorite.

People place ads in the paper

with whatever information they have to try and find each other.

Oh.

Red. Could I borrow this?

Of course. All I was doing was reading it.

Why don't you try that new coffee shop?

They have everything you love. The paper, chairs.

You'll get a kick out of it.

And miss all this? Deal.

Okay. Here we go.

Missed connections.

You should read these. They are filled with intrigue and romance.

Mrs. Forman, I don't want to do this.

It looks like it's just for weirdos and sex creeps.

Oh no!

Here, look at this one.

"S&M."

"Smart and mature." That could be you, Ozzie.

I was with a smart, mature guy once.

[chuckles]

-Bit off more than I could chew. Yeah. -Oh! [laughing]

[rock music playing]

Those humping dogs were a real wake-up call.

Nate should've been there for that, so I invited him over.

I'm never talking to that guy again.

Well, maybe your butt can talk to him.

My butt's even more mad at him than me.

The good part is,

you'll be able to see how douchey he is now that he's with Betsy.

She got him to wear a wallet chain. He gets snagged on every doorknob.

-What's up, dorks? -[Betsy] Oh!

Bro? The hair.

It's good, right? [chuckles]

No!

Every time I see it, a douchey angel gets its wings.

Don't listen to her, Nate.

Or that bus full of kids who threw stuff at you on the way here.

Get over here, girl.

You pick out his underwear too?

I actually do.

He wears boxer briefs now.

-Like Marky Mark. -But they smell like the Funky Bunch.

Burn!

Okay, let's not forget why we're here. Nate, sit down and talk to your friend.

Whatever. I'm tired anyway.

Babe, do you want to tell him it's from having sex, or should I?

-[Betsy chuckles] -You're such an idiot.

She doesn't even have to say anything 'cause you already said it.

Why can't you apologize to me already?

After all the crap you said? Forget it.

Okay, whatever. Then you have no reason to be here, then.

-So get off the couch. -You get off the couch.

No, no, no. I don't want this to turn into some immature standoff over the couch.

It's not.

[shouts] I'd rather die...

than get off this couch!

Well, I hereby dedicate my life to sitting on this couch!

Okay, Aunt Lisa.

Yeah. Yeah. You look like my Aunt Lisa.

She's a middle-aged woman with the exact same haircut.

That's why it's so funny.

Ha.

Joke's on you.

I think Aunt Lisa's super hot.

I accidentally grazed her boob... when I hugged her last Thanksgiving.

That door's always open.

[rock riff plays]

Hey.

You're getting on my last nerve.

That's better.

Sir, you can't treat our valued customers like that.

You're a hero.

I hate him.

When we slept together, he said he was in Pearl Jam. I always fall for that.

Why don't you just kick him out? You're the one with the name tag.

I can't. I need this job.

I owe Blockbuster 12 grand.

Return the movies.

But I like them.

I just have to smile and suck it up with all of these coffee shop dickwads.

I'll tell you what.

You keep this cup full and my chair empty,

I'll handle the dickwads.

Whoa.

-You sound like Clint Eastwood. -He sounds like me.

It's judgment day, bitches.

[rock music playing]

I went ahead and wrote up a missed connection ad for Ozzie.

-I thought he said he wasn't into this. -No. I just...

I scratched down a few ideas in case he changes his mind.

Okay.

"I was the ruggedly handsome Asian teen at the wrestling convention."

"Facial hair a mere months away."

"Your face was gold. Our lips touched."

"And the thought of seeing you again puts my heart in a headlock."

[laughing silently]

You want to find a missing kid, put him on a milk carton and move on.

Well, now, where is your sense of romance?

Ah, romance is tricky.

Meg Ryan has an orgasm in a restaurant? America's sweetheart.

I do it? Waffle House most wanted.

[rock riff plays]

Leia, what are you doing here?

To talk to you about your... overall impact on my social circle.

What does that mean?

Can you please just tell Nate to apologize to Jay?

He listens to everything you say, and this fight's gone on way too long.

You seem really stressed out.

And a little annoying right now.

You wanna join me?

Okay, but I really wanna get back to the Nate stuff.

[Betsy] Mm-hm.

Wow, that is the perfect temperature.

And it's bubbly like hot Sprite.

-You've gotten a pedicure before, right? -[shakily] Yeah, I get them all the time.

Hey, just relax. You're going to love it.

Oh!

If you spread them like that, buy those piggies a drink first.

Leia, stop worrying about Nate and Jay.

Men are gonna be men.

While they're down there wrestling in the mud,

you and I can have a great day together.

I could use that.

Jay pantsed me in the park yesterday in front of the ducks.

[rock scales ascending]

One coffee, two people. You're out of here.

Oh! That is nice.

That could be in a museum.

This is not a museum.

Get out.

-You're so scary. You remind me of my dad. -Mm.

Can you roll a cigarette with my report card?

No.

Just like him.

I just came out of a long relationship, and there were warning signs I missed.

So I'm going to ask you a series of questions

to evaluate our dating potential.

Okay, sounds good.

I'd like to get your reaction to the word "balls."

What kind of balls?

Baseballs or like a formal ball where you get dressed up?

Incredible.

Okay, next question.

And this one's really hard.

Do you feel the need to high five?

You haven't asked the question yet. I don't know if I got it right.

Oh, you did.

What do you think of when I say Sigourney Weaver?

I think she has amazing range,

and she's the archetype for female protagonists in sci-fi horror.

So not her bush in Alien.

You know, maybe I should ask you some questions.

[chuckles softly]

Morgan, when did we start using McDonald's cups?

I think they only have McDonald's cups at McDonald's.

Get 'em.

Door.

Mr. Forman, it's me, Nikki.

-I had lunch at your house today. -I've never seen before you in my life.

Get along, little stranger.

[rock riff plays]

[knocking at door]

Yes. Pizza's here.

I'm starving. Come in.

Pizza guys don't just come in.

Even in a porn, someone opens the door.

I'm not getting up, but... I got this.

This isn't a porn, so you can just come in.

Dude, that sounded weird.

-You're gonna scare him. -I am not gonna scare him.

Nothing weird is gonna happen.

We're just two guys sitting in the dark waiting for you.

And we have cash.

[footsteps retreating]

Come back. We'll do whatever you want.

Everything you say is out of a porn.

[grunts]

[footsteps approaching]

Gwen. Yes!

You saved us.

Who wants pizza?

-Me! Me! -Yes. Give me a slice.

Please, give me a slice. Please.

What are you doing?

Yeah. You have to get up off the couch and get it.

What in the actual hell?

Pizza is for sharing.

Mm.

Pizza. You got the crust, the cheese...

This is the meanest thing you have ever done, Gwen.

Just end this right now and have a pizza party with your friend.

He is not my friend.

Okay, fine.

-I'm good to go all night. -Mm.

You sound just like your sister.

Oh, hey! Oh! Watch the hair! It's crispy!

It's crispy!

[rock music plays]

I know you told me not to,

but I put an ad in the paper looking for your guy.

What?

I... I never agreed to that.

It... It looks desperate and cheap.

-[doorbell rings] -That's him.

-My Golden Girl, I could kiss you. -Oh!

Wait.

I'm nervous.

No, no. Don't be. Don't be.

Welcome to love.

It's grand. It's glorious.

It's taking forever. Let him open the door.

-Hey. -Eww. No.

Not him.

Are you sure?

-Did you look at him? -This is Wisconsin.

Chances are, the one you're looking for is dumpier than that one.

What are we doing here?

No, no.

You can't call a whole state dumpy.

Unless you're talking about South Dakota.

I couldn't tell the people from the bears.

[rock riff plays]

[panting hoarsely]

You okay?

That was fun.

I get why you like jogging, and I like it too.

You wanna come in and have some breakfast, and then you can tell Nate to apologize?

-Uh... Nah. -But you told me you would.

[scoffs] I'm not getting involved in some dumb basement drama.

But your brother's not talking to his best friend because of you.

-Don't you care? -No.

Oh. Should I say more?

I'm in a good situation here.

Nate follows me around, does whatever I say.

Plus, I like watching boys fight.

One of them's your brother.

One of them's not.

Oh my God. You're a monster. Get off my grandparents' driveway.

[sarcastic] Oh no. I can't be in your grandparents' driveway.

I lied before. Jogging sucks, and you're weird for liking it.

[rock riff plays]

So this is my life now.

I'm single, and I'm a pedicure lady.

Well, I thought this might make you feel better.

Oh! They even give you a little massage.

The massage is eight dollars extra.

Now, you just enjoy your regular pedicure.

I didn't have one until I was in my 30s.

I don't have to explain myself to you.

-Isaac! -Hey, Ozzie.

Surprise!

I made all this happen.

"But it won't work!" That's you.

"But it will!" That's me.

And it did.

-Thought I'd never see you again. -Me too.

I went to two other wrestling conventions hoping to find you.

And a boat show, but that was 'cause I got the days wrong.

-Wanna go walk around the mall? -I can't.

I have to hang with my friend's grandma and her horny neighbor.

Of course I want to go!

[mouthing] Thank you.

That was so romantic.

I got to live vicariously through those kids.

It reminds me of when I first met Red, and I hadn't heard any of his stories yet.

That's cool you can remember that long ago.

This thing goes back to 1988 tops.

[rock music playing]

-[clangs] -Bear attack! Get big!

[both shouting]

Have you ever been attacked by a bear?

No.

100% success rate.

You guys seriously spent the whole night on this couch?

This fight is so stupid. We are ending it now.

[rock riff plays]

What even is anger?

I get it with the Hulk. It's his job. He gets paid for it.

But... I've been doing it for free.

Like some chump.

Somebody owes me some money.

There I go. Giving it away for free.

You know, I don't like feeling all this... negativity.

Oreo never feels this way.

Oreo's always happy.

Even when I split him in half and lick out his guts and eat his body.

[chuckles softly]

He never gets mad.

'Cause he knows his friends are coming soon.

You're gonna make me barf.

And I miss that.

See, this is the real you. Not Betsy's little bitch boy.

Dude, if you really care about her and want to be with her,

I'll back off.

Yeah, bro.

Me too.

I don't know.

I feel completely... lost right now.

Guys, can I be honest?

I'm not even sure about this hair.

Of course you're lost, man.

And it's gonna be like that

until you deal with the fact that you still love Nikki.

Whoa.

That explains literally everything.

This is why you've been singing "Kiss from a Rose" while on the can.

Yeah.

I've been trying so hard to... move on.

Your sister's boobs have been a fun distraction.

Every time I think I'm over Nik,

I'm not.

And I shouldn't be making my problems your problems.

I'm so sorry, dude.

Hey.

It's not all on you, man.

I could have been chiller. I could have been doper.

I could have been radder.

Mad regrets.

Reunited.

[both] By the power of Grayskull.

I already regret fixing this.

Oreo,

we need to break up with Betsy.

Tell your friends.

This is my house. You don't call me?

There's something seriously wrong with Betsy.

Nate, you're not ready to hear this, but you have to break up with her.

Yeah, we talked about that.

[Nate] And I ass-ked him to be my friend again.

[Jay] And I ass-cepted.

-[both laughing] -[rock music playing]

I am so sorry for your loss.

But, you know, those are napkins, not tissues.

There's the door.

Thank you.

Hey, man, you did too good of a job.

-There's no one left. -But isn't that what we wanted?

I mean, there's not a dickwad in sight.

Yeah, but the problem is I don't make any money if it's empty.

So, you gotta go.

I should probably head home anyway. See you tomorrow.

-No, I'm saying that you... -Have a good night.

Oh! No, no, no.

We are not coming in here with that shirt.

Let's go. Quick march. Quick march.

Hup, hup, hup.

[closing theme music playing]