Original subtitles

Yes?

How dare you, you dirty old man!

Hello.

Whoever you are, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

It's me, Jeremy Brown.

What are you doing making obscene phone calls?

I'm in bed with Flo.

In bed with who?

Flo.

Well, this is most inconvenient.

Typical of the weaker sex.

I shall expect you to be better by Monday.

In the meantime, I suppose I shall have to take your class.

Yes, I can't stop it, all of it. Now, what is the meaning of this?

It's to improve our English. We learn all the English dances.

We are learning to be twisters, to trot like foxes, and to mash the potatoes. Yeah,

also we learn English phrases like, do you come here often?

And who is taking you home tonight?

There are more useful English phrases to learn than those.

Now will you kindly tidy up this mess and sit down at once, all of you.

And hurry.

I have to tell you that Mr. Brown will not be with us tonight.

It appears that he has a virus.

Oh, is that his girlfriend?

He has the flu. He is laid up in bed.

Excuse, please. How can he be laid up in bed?

You are meaning he's laid down.

The term to be laid up means the same as being struck down.

What a language!

There is nothing wrong with the English language.

It is the most widely spoken language in the world.

Does anyone know the origin of the English language?

Come along. Where did English come from?

England.

Not quite.

The early Britons were Celtic.

From Glasgow.

There's Glasgow Rangers, Glasgow Celtic, football.

I was not referring to football, I was talking about the race. No, no, no,

it's not a race, it's a football. I see them playing for Milano in the Cup. Now,

don't contradict me, and if I have any more of your stupid remarks,

I shall send you out of the class.

The Celts were a race of people.

Then came the galls.

You see, I was right. You have the galls in football.

All right, Mr Capello, I did warn you.

Kindly leave the class.

Where do I go to? Well, I suggest that you go home and study your books.

Well!

Now, where was I?

You were standing there, and you are still standing there.

Silence!

Now take heed, because I shall not tell you again.

Anyone who persists in uttering idiotic nonsense will be sent home.

Now, the Romans invaded Britain in 43 AD. Can anyone tell me what AD means?

After dark.

Right, Mr. Nadine, come along, off you go.

What am I going for? Don't argue, just go. Excuse me. Out.

To continue, A.D. means Anno Domini,

which refers to time since the birth of our Lord.

The time before his birth we refer to as B.C. Does anyone know what B.C. means?

Before Christmas.

Okay, I go.

The Romans were supplanted by the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes,

who brought with them a new language.

Squeeze, please.

I thought I told you to go. Yes, I go, but I come back.

You are wanting on the telephone. Mr. Brown is wishing to speak with you.

Oh, very well. Squeeze, please. No.

Anna, you will take charge of the class in my absence. I shall not be long.

And don't stand for any nonsense. Do not worry. I shall

be standing for nothing. I shall be sitting down.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Miss Courtney.

I just wanted to tell you that I've got all the students' homework here.

Perhaps if you could send someone round to collect it.

We do not have a messenger service, Mr Brown.

Are you sure you're too ill to come in?

Well, yeah, I still feel pretty groggy. I mean, besides,

I wouldn't like you to catch my cold.

I never catch cold.

I expect the germs freeze to death instantly in your room.

What was that? Oh, nothing.

No, look, I'd better hang up, but if you want the

homework, it's here. And where is everybody?

I'll go away.

I not hear nothing.

Me too.

Maybe he's sleeping.

Why don't we try round the back door?

Ah, back door more better.

Hello?

Anybody there? Yes, please.

Oh, it's you. Yes, it is me. You rang the bell

a minute ago. No, I'm only just arriving.

Somebody rang the bell.

There's nobody here.

His bed's still warm.

Why the door open?

Oh, no good. You're right, Jamila. Somebody can come in and steal something.

What was that? What is that? There was a noise. There's somebody in there.

He's locked the door. Oh, blimey. I think you are getting a broken house.

Burgers?

Yes, please. I think they are hanging on your belt to see if you are inside,

and now they are breaking in. Do you know you could be right?

What's the matter?

I hear something.

Yum. I think I am being housebroken. That was a very evil eye I saw.

It's a big evil eye. Move out the way.

Oh, we know that's Mr. Proud. That's Mr. Proud.

Oh, Mr. Bryan, are you all right?

Yes, it's fine, apart from a touch of concussion and raging fever. I'm terrific.

Thank goodness. We thought you had flu.

What are you all doing here?

Why aren't you at school?

Well, we finished early, so we thought we'd come and give you a visit.

Oh, that's very kind of you. And we bring you a big bunch of grapes. Oh, thank you.

We eat one or two on the way.

Oh, well, it's the thought that counts.

You must get in very midget, no?

Yes, I am starting to feel cold again.

Master T, I have knit small gift for you.

Oh, thank you, Jamila.

You try. Very kind of you.

Yes.

A little big.

Yeah, well, keep me warm.

Oh, blimey, he will not be needing to wear any gloves. Perhaps it'll shrink.

Come, Monsieur Brun, I must have you in bed.

Pardon?

Oh, that's what you mean.

Let me tuck you in.

Is that better?

Yes, I'm starting to feel warm all over now.

Caroline, I will make you some hot milk. Hot milk,

most good for worms. Worms? I haven't got worms.

Worms!

Worms! Do you mean colds? Oh, colds.

Come on, come on.

Well, I must say it's very good of you all to come and visit me.

Take a chair, each. Jelly good.

Where do you wish us to take chair?

No one need to take them anywhere. Just sit down on them over here.

Mr. Brown, I have something here to make you feel much better.

Yeah, well, it's very good of you. I don't want any more medicine.

But it is jolly good for your chest. Are you sure?

Oh, blimey, yes.

Oh, let's have a look then.

Oh, it smells awful.

I'm telling you, it is guaranteed to kill or cure.

I'm not sure I like the first alternative. Well, here goes.

It's foul.

Oh, dearie me, I'm thinking you should not have been drinking that medicine.

You said it would cure my chest. Yes, but you're supposed to be rubbing it on.

You poison me!

I ring the doctor. It's more important we ring

the priest. Priest for? Last sacrament.

You may be dead before the doctor comes. Oh, great,

you may as well go all the way and send for

the undertaker. Okay, what's his address?

Excuse, please, he's not being poisoned.

This medicine also very good for your stomach.

It makes you get up and go.

Just like prunes.

No, that's all I need. Mr. Brown, I have spilled all the milk all over my dress,

and now it will be ruined.

You haven't spilled the whole pint, have you? That was for day and tomorrow.

Thank you very much. Well, you better go and sponge it off in the bathroom.

Are you all right? You have gone a funny color.

I think it was something I just drank.

Shall I give you the kiss of life?

Yes.

No, no, no, no.

Catch my cold. You can give me the kiss of life, please.

Me too.

So, do you like the kissing, yes?

Oh, yes. Yes, please.

Oh, good.

I shall give both of you the most beautiful French kiss.

Oh, I wonder who's going to be first.

Close your eyes.

Excuse, Mr. Brown. Is there anything else you are wishing us to do?

Yes, just go home. You don't want us to stay? No, no, I appreciate your calling,

but it's just that I would recover much quicker if I were left alone.

Okay, we got to the pub.

We hope you much better soon, Mr. Brown. Come on, Ali. Good evening.

Good night.

Master Jee? Oh.

Here, a hot bottle. Oh, thank you, Jumilee.

Oh, see who that is, would you?

What are you doing here?

I warm bed for Master Jee.

I... Thank you.

It's all right, Miss Courtney.

She means she was just warming a hot water bottle for me.

Mr. Brown, it is highly improper for this young lady to be here alone with a man.

Well, I can assure you, Miss Courtney, that nothing improper is taking place.

Oh!

I think about it, and yeah, it makes sense.

Good night, Mr. Brown, sir.

Good evening, Ranjit. What do you want?

I am coming here to be making you over the weather. Over the weather? Yes,

because I'm hearing you're under the weather.

Well, come in and sit down.

Are we going to be sitting down together?

No, I still don't feel too well. I think bed's the best place.

Whatever you say.

I didn't mean the two of us.

Oh, see who that is, Ranjit.

I'm not Ranjit.

Ah, do you want, please, to come in?

I come to see how Mr. Brown is.

You okay?

Terrible.

Never mind.

I come to cheer you up.

Oh, good. I can do with cheering up.

I think you not look very well.

I think he look very white.

He is white.

But he looks more white than before.

I think you have what we call in Sevilla the three-day gripa.

I don't like the sound of that.

Only last three days.

On the first day, fever like you have.

On the second day, white as you are, and on the third day... You get better?

You die.

Oh, thanks for coming to cheer me up. It's all right.

I'll bring you something.

Don't tell me it's some Spanish medicine recommended for rubbing on chests.

No, medicina.

Fundador.

Fundador?

Sí.

Spanish brandy.

Un momento.

It's a good taste.

It's strong. Kill all germs.

Not household germs.

Any germs.

I must say, it's warming me up already. Can I have some more?

Sure, sure.

I go.

Come in, sit down, have a drink. Ranjit. Yes, please, Mr. Brown.

I need some glasses.

Are your eyes mad as well?

I mean glasses to drink from. Well, there's some on the sideboard. Bring three.

Thank you. One for that. Thank you.

One for one. One for one.

One for one.

One for one. What is bottoms up?

I am thinking it is not easy to be drinking it bottom up.

It refers to the glass, the bottom of the glass. Tip it up.

Ah, si. As you say, up the hatch.

Down the hatch. Si, down the hatch. Now I'm understanding.

I am also knowing another saying.

Round the tip and through the gums. Look out, Tommy.

Here it comes.

Very good. You mind if I have another?

Yeah, yeah, claro, claro. Oh, look, you've finished the bottle.

I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

I have brought genuine Japanese.

Sake.

Oh, sake. Yes, I've heard of that. It's what those geisha girls give you, isn't it?

Geisha girls give you much more.

Yes, I understand.

Hey, Taro, is it true that the geisha girl,

they give you the bath on the nothingness, eh?

In Japan, man has cold.

He go, see geisha. What happens? Geisha prepare hot bath, then wash man all over.

I should think that would send your temperature up. After that, A man,

right on bed, geisha rub him with perfumed oil, sir.

Does that cure a cold? No, no, it makes it much nicer.

Please! Please! Oh, what's that, Ram Cheek?

Look, and if anybody... Leave the cat on the lock, so that if anybody comes,

they can walk straight in.

Good evening, Mr Blown.

Oh, Sulee and Anna.

We bring you some things to make you well.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but actually I'm feeling a lot better.

These will clear your head instant to take. Oh, well...

I've tried everything else. I'm sure a couple more pills won't make any difference.

Now, we need some hot water.

No, it's all right. I'll take it with a socky.

Ev, what's why you do that?

Oh, you said they'd clear my head.

You are supposed to put them in the hot water and breathe in the fumes.

Oh, don't do that!

What about you, Shuli? Have you brought some Chinese medicine for me? Oh,

this is not medicine. This is very ancient Chinese treatment.

Is it anything like the geisha girls give you? Oh, much better.

Oh, wow.

First, you must slip. Yeah? Oh, right.

Only two ways.

Now right out on stomach.

Like this?

Yes. I'm ready.

Very good.

What's the matter? Nothing, nothing, nothing whatsoever.

Oh, that's lovely. Can you do the other side as well?

Hey!

I've heard of kill or cure, but that's ridiculous. What are you doing?

Acupuncture. Very old Chinese custom. I got it from honourable ancestors.

Well, honourable ancestors can tell you we'll have it back.

Come on back!

We are all, each of us, bringing something to tear you up.

Jamaica rum.

French wine.

Greek ouzo.

You say it was an accident?

Uh-huh, accident.

Danielle spilled milk on her dress. Oh, I see.

It appears that for once I have misjudged, Mr. Brown.

Well, I suppose I had better call in and apologize on my way home.

Hey, everybody!

It's the conga!

Hello, Miss Courtney.

This is disgraceful. No, please. This is Congo.

Silence.

I suggest you all leave immediately.

Oh, thank you all for visiting me.

My pleasure.

As for you, Mr. Brown, words fail.

Oh, come on, Miss Courtney, they're only coming here to cheer me up a bit.

I warn you, Mr. Brown, that if this sort of thing ever

occurs again in the future, you are out. Mr. Brown!

Mr. Brown!