Original subtitles

Come on, come on, what's going on here? What's all this about?

They're having a religious discussion.

Yes, well, let everyone sit down, please.

I will not have this sort of behaviour in the classroom.

He's saying ruddy things about Allah.

And you are saying ruddy things about my case? Yes, well, in future,

kindly keep the differences to yourselves.

Now, shake hands. Oh, no.

I'm not shaking hands with an infidel.

But he's the one who started it, isn't he?

I'm only giving him titty for tatty.

Well, I... Tit for tat.

Yes, please. Titty for tat.

I don't care who started it. Shake hands.

Okay.

Ranjeet? I cannot shake the hand of a barbarian. Well,

either you shake hands or go home. It's entirely up to you.

And pay attention, everybody.

Please?

Pay attention.

But you are not. Oh.

Attention, here we go.

No, Zoltán, it's not that sort of attention. It means to attend, to listen.

Hey, he knows speak very good.

Now, I would like you all to help Zoltán to grasp

a few rudiments of the English language.

Excuse, please.

Yes, Ingrid.

What is rudiment?

Can anybody tell Ingrid what I mean by teaching Zoltan some rudiments of English?

Sure. You want us to tell him a few naughty jokes?

No, Giovanni, just English conversational.

We will learn him to speak English as good as what we do, sir.

On second thoughts, perhaps it's not such a good idea after all. Right, come on,

let's get cracking. Questions and answers tonight. Come on, remember,

you're here to learn, not enjoy yourselves.

Juan, what is a colloquialism?

It's a long word.

Yes, but what does it mean?

Ah, it means... I don't know what it means.

It's another word for slang.

Por favor.

Slang.

Ah, like a broken arm.

Broken arm?

Si, when you break an arm, you put it in slang.

That's a sling.

Ah, it's all right.

Well, I suggest you study chapter nine, vocabulary.

It's all right.

Taro, aso.

Rephrase the following sentence. The lawn needs cutting badly.

The lawn needs cutting badly.

No, Taro, the lawn badly needs cutting. Aso.

And what is the future of the verb I sleep?

I wake.

No, Anna, the future of the verb I sleep is I am going to sleep.

Yeah, and after I sleep, I wake.

Giovanni, si.

Give me a sentence using the word deliver.

That's easy.

Too much vino is so no good for deliverer.

Are you serious? Sure, I read it in the newspaper. Well,

I suggest you study the chapter on spelling.

Okey-cokey.

Max, decline the verb to write.

High right, he right.

Wrong.

OK, high right, he wrong.

I write, he writes, she writes. Concentrate on your verbs.

OK.

Ali. Yes, please.

Spell chemist. Oh, blimey.

K-E-M. Chemist does not begin with a K. It sounds like it begins with K. C-H.

But that is making it chemist.

No, the C-H is pronounced K. Ah, now I'm understanding.

C-H is K. Yes.

Oh, blimey.

Then last night I'm eating a sandwich with keys and cutlery.

It's not a hard and fast rule, Ali.

You should study the chapter on consonants. Jolly good.

Give me another word for obnoxious.

Swedish.

If something that is black is blackish, what is something that is red?

A book.

Radish.

A thousand apologies. But you are right. They are red. What are?

Radishes.

And I like them very much. Radishes.

Another thousand apologies.

Julie, what is a green belt?

What you wear with your green dress.

A green belt. A green belt is an area of land

on which you're not allowed to build. Build.

What is the past tense of I ride?

Excuse, Master-ji, I know here question. What is the past tense of I ride?

I like better when I know here question. Come along, Jamila, I ride.

I ride it.

Road.

Ah, I ride it on road.

The past tense of I ride is I rode.

Ingrid.

What is the meaning of the word illiterate?

Someone who's knowing a language note.

At last, someone has answered a question correctly. Well done, Ingrid.

The question was easy. Is it? Yours was. Listen how

she speaks the English, all backwards to Prong.

No, wait, don't, girls.

Come on, Ingrid deserves to be complimented.

She's the only one to answer a question correctly.

Hey, you not ask certain anything yet.

I hardly think he'll understand the question,

then alone be able to give an answer. Please.

What is this?

Book.

Ah.

What is that?

Window.

Window.

Door. Door.

Very good. Now, what is this?

Window.

Book.

Book.

What is that?

Door.

Window.

Door. Good.

Grandbeth!

If this is an example of your teaching methods, Mr Brown, I am not amused.

It's probably something he's picked up from Giovanni.

Well, I came in to ask you about the coach trip. What coach trip?

Don't you ever read the notice boards? Oh, yes, well, occasionally.

Now, listen, everybody.

For the past two weeks, there has been a notice

on the board to the effect that Mrs Hunter,

our history teacher, is organising her annual

coach trip to a stately home for Sunday.

We are going to Barclay Hall, the ancestral home of Humphrey, Earl of Barclay,

which is renowned for its remarkable collection

of tapestries and ancient manuscripts.

Now, who would like to go?

Well, I have planned to do something on Sunday.

Cancel it. Yeah, well, I don't think I can.

I shall expect you to be here on Sunday at 12 o'clock sharp.

How are the others on the coach?

They haven't arrived, not yet. Morning, everybody.

Buongiorno, everybody.

What is all this?

It's beer.

We are not driving, so we can't be drinking.

Hey, should we have the first one now? No, we won't have the first one now. Look,

please, get on the coach, everybody.

We can't. Why not? They've only sent one coach.

Miss Courtney's in there now, sorting it out.

What did the man say, Miss Courtney? The man said you only ordered one coach.

It's not true. I definitely ordered two coaches.

Typical male inefficiency. No problem. Yes, we're a coach missing.

Can't they send one round?

They haven't got another one. They're fully booked.

What are we going to do?

Oh, I can get you a coach.

But you said... Yeah, my brother-in-law, he's in the coach business.

He lets you out for outings and old-age pensioners.

I drive for him in my spare time.

Would you like to go and ring him, Sidney?

Oh, don't worry, I'll pop round the corner. It's not very far.

I'll be back in ten minutes with a cockroach. With what?

With a coach.

Stop this at once, please.

I expect they're anxious to get started.

Look, why don't you get going, and we'll follow on as soon as Sid arrives.

What a good idea. Now, Mrs. Hunter, will you get on the bus?

Allow me.

Oh, thank you. All right, Miss Courtney. No, I'm not going. Ah,

you've changed your mind.

No, I am going on your coach with you.

Stop it, please, stop it!

Blimey, I'm thinking we're using the bus. Ours hasn't arrived yet.

We are being okay.

All right. Hey, you got some beer as well.

Why don't we have a drink now?

It's a good idea.

It is not a good idea at all.

This is supposed to be an educational trip, not a tipler's tour.

Here we are.

Is this the best you can do, Sid? Don't worry, she's very comfortable.

Just like riding on a cushion of air.

Don't forget, there's plenty more where this came from.

Hey, when we get on coach, you and me, we sit together, okay? Hey,

I must sit next to Daniel. You go sit next to Ingrid.

No, no, no, no. Ingrid sits beside me.

Hey, I would very much like to sit with Ingrid.

What are you arguing about now? It's about where we sit on the coach, professoree.

Danielle is desperate to sit next to me. Is that right, Danielle?

You see, she wants to sit next to me, yes? No.

No.

I want to sit next to Mr. Brown.

I'd like Mr. Brown to sit with... You not sit next to Mr. Brown,

you stood this morning... All right, everybody sit down in your places, please.

Right, as we've some time to wait for the puncture...

And in order to avoid any further arguments, we will draw lots.

Lots of what?

Drawing lots will decide who will sit next to who. All right?

So I want you to write your names on these pieces of paper I'm giving you,

and then they will put them in the waste paper

basket and draw them out one at a time.

Like old bingo.

Similar to bingo, yeah.

Don't forget to write your name.

No, I won't, Danielle.

Right, everybody finished? Yeah. Right, now fold them up and put them in here.

And this time, when I draw them out, that will be final.

I don't want any more arguments. Is that understood?

Yeah.

Good. Right.

Everybody ready, then?

Ingrid, will you give them a shake for me, please? Yeah.

I shake it for you. Good.

High's down. And...

Oh, dearie me, who is going to be the lucky one to be getting me?

Ranjit.

Can you please be starting again?

No, it's a perfectly fair system. In any case, it's time you two learn to coexist.

Max, if the next name is Giovanni, I'm not going. And on second thoughts,

I'd rather have Giovanni.

You are very rude.

Are you really joking?

When we get on coach, you and me, we sit at the back, okay?

We sit at the front, and no funny business.

Danielle? Please, let it be me.

Zoltan!

Santa Maria.

You will sit next to Danielle on the couch.

Ah, thank you.

It's all right.

Taro.

Yes, sir.

Jamila.

Happy to sit next to you.

I am also most happy to be sitting next to you.

Ingrid.

Ah, that's all it pleased me.

Giovanni!

It's got to be Sully or you, professore.

Sully.

But who are you to be sitting next to, professore?

Come along, everybody.

I am thinking we are lost. We are not lost. Now, where are we, Sid? I don't know.

You had the map. You were doing the navigating. Well,

I couldn't read it in that old bone shaker of yours. It kept jiggling up and down.

Then you should have jiggled up and down with

it. We are not definitely lost. I'm not lost.

We're just not where we should be. Well,

perhaps you could show us where we should be. Well, I know where we should be.

I just don't know where we are.

We are...

Look, we passed a sign just down the road. Now, did anybody see what it said? Yes,

please. Right, well, I'll look it up on the map, and then we will know where we are.

I really don't think that will be much help, Mr. Brown.

With all due respect, Miss Courtney,

I happen to possess a Pathfinder's badge from the Boy Scouts,

so I know quite a bit about the map. Once I know what the sign said,

it's a simple matter to find out our exact location. Now, what did the sign say?

Cattle Crossing. Yep.

Do you think you can find that on the map, Mr. Brown?

I'm telling you, we are lost. If you don't shut up, you'll be lost,

because when we move off, we'll abandon you.

I suggest we carry on until we get to a main road. This bound to be a signpost.

Good idea. Right, start her up, Sid. All right. Come on, everyone.

Finish your drink, please. We're leaving.

Now what's the matter?

Well, it sounds to me as if the engine won't start. That is patently obvious. Oh.

The engine won't start.

Why?

Won't it start? Well, hang on a minute, we'll find out. Boys,

give us that with that bonnet, will you? Give us that with that bonnet.

Oh, and, uh, Mr. Brown, switch the indexers on when I tell you. All right.

Switch on.

Funny.

Sid, your petrol gauge reads empty. Yeah, well, it's broken. It always reads empty.

How do you know when it is empty?

I've got a dipstick here, see? Stand back a minute, will you?

Stand back this morning.

You see, this is the petrol here.

You put the dipstick in as far as it'll go.

That tells you whether it's full up or whether it's empty.

Yeah, it's empty.

We're marvellous, we don't know where we are, and even if we did,

we wouldn't be able to get anywhere. Ah, never mind, I'll go and find the garage.

Hey, why don't we all have another...

Well, I suppose there's no telling how long Sid will be.

Miss Gordley. No, thank you.

And I don't think any of you should have a drink either.

Oh, come on, Miss C. One little drink won't harm anyone.

They have already consumed two of those large cans.

What goes in must eventually come out.

And it could lead to a lot of embarrassment.

Squeeze me, please.

Anybody want him to be embarrassing?

Well, you will have to wait.

Oh, blimey.

I shall wait on the coach.

Right, well, come on, gather round, everyone. While we're waiting for seed,

we might as well have a lesson.

Ah, no lesson.

Mr. Brown, you're not in the class. It's no good to work on Sundays.

Six days, shalt thou be in labour. No, shalt thou

be in labour. In China, people work every day.

With respect, we are not in China. All right, all right, we will play a game.

Hey, I know a good game.

A kick or a kiss. Never heard of it. The boys chase the girls,

and when they catch one, they say, what do you

want, a kick or a kiss? That's a good game.

From you, I prefer a kick.

We will play I Spy. Now, that is a game that will help you all with your vocabulary.

Now, you give the first letter and it's something you can see,

and everybody else has to try and guess what it is.

I'll start it off so you'll see how it's played.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with G. Huh?

Gigi!

Giovanni.

Now, I'll give you a clue.

I'm sitting on it.

Bottom.

No, Max, gate.

Pocket. Pocket. Right, who's going to go next? Yes, please.

Ranjit.

I am spying with my little eye. Something beginning with N. N, everyone.

Nose.

No.

Nettle. No.

Nestle. No.

Neck.

No. Neck.

No.

Nail. No.

Knitting. You are being stupid.

Knitting is not starting with an N. Well done, Ranjeet. Right, we give up.

Now you tell us, what is it that begins with N?

Engine.

You're a damn fool! You are being more stupid than I am! Don't you two stop again!

Hey, hey, Mr. Brown! I've got some petrol from a new farm over there.

I'll get you there in no time.

Right, come on, everyone! All aboard!

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Where do you think you're going? We are going

to visit Barclay's hall. No, you're not.

Shove off.

Don't speak to us like that. I shall report you to the Earl of Barclay.

I am the Earl of Barclay. Now push off before I set the dogs on you.

You don't understand.

We have come to visit your stately home.

Well, you're too late.

I only open the house from 12 to 4. It's now a quarter to 5. So shove off.

But please, your eldership, couldn't you possibly... Certainly not.

I don't believe it. What a waste of a day. Well, it was a nice drive.

It was a terrible drive.

What do you think, John?

You had better take us home, Sidney. And for goodness sake, Mr Brown,

try not to lose us this time.

Don't worry, Miss Courtney, I never make the same mistake twice.

All right, come on, you lot. Get in.

I think we're up here.

No, we're definitely down here. You are both wrong. We are over here.

Squish, please.

I know where we are.

Well, how?

We are where we have been before. How do you know that?

I'm finding our drinking things.

Hey, well, that's easy then, isn't it? I know we went back from here. Well,

thank goodness for that. Right, come on, everybody, back on the coach.

Hey, I'm going on the bus.

Hey!

I think I am going to scream.

Now what are we going to do? There's only one thing we can do. Come on, everybody.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with rain.

After the break, you're off to Weatherfield for our first

beat of the day during classic Coronation Street.